Lesson 3 Communication Assignment Read each case scenario below, and generate a response using NVC format to each scenario. Case Scenario 1: You are the Chief Sustainability Officer for a medium-siz
Non vio le n t C om mun ic atio n : A L an gu ag e o f L if e © 2 015P udd le D an ce r P re ss
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153.6 — dc2 3 2015011660 What P eo p le A re S ay in g A bou t N on vio le n t C om mun ic a tio n ™
R ela tio n sh ip s:
“M arsh all Rose n berg ’s dyn am ic co m mun ic atio n te ch n iq u es tr a n sfo rm
p ote n tia l c o n ic ts i n to p ea ce fu l d ia lo gu es . Y ou ’l l l e arn s im ple to ols t o d ef use
a rg u m en ts a n d c re ate c o m pass io n ate co n nectio n s w it h y o u r f a m ily , f r ien ds,
a n d o th er a cq u ain ta n ce s.”
— JO H N G RAY, a u th or, M en A re F ro m M ars, W om en A re F ro m V en u s
“N on vio le n t C om munic a tio n c a n c h an ge t h e w orld . M ore im porta n tly , it c a n
ch an ge y o u r l i f e . I c a n not r e co m men d i t h ig h ly en ou gh .”
— JA C K C A N FIE LD , a u th or, C hic k en S ou p f o r t h e S ou l S erie s
“ M arsh all R ose n berg p ro vid es u s w it h th e most eff ectiv e to ols to fo ster
h ea lt h a n d r e la tio n sh ip s. N on vio le n t C om munic a tio n c o n nec ts s o u l to s o u l,
c re atin g a l o t o f h ea li n g. I t i s t h e m is s in g e lem ent i n w hat w e do.”
— DEEPA K C H OPR A , a u th or, H ow t o K now G od a n d A gele ss B od y a n d T im ele ss M in d
“I h av e t a k en c o n vers a tio n s t h at w ere hea d ed fo r t h e du m ps, s ta rtin g u sin g
th ese t e ch n iq u es, a n d e n ded u p w it h a v er y u sef ul b on din g ex per ien ce.”
— An o n li n e r e v ie w er
“ If y o u w an t t o b e h eard , a n d t o h ear w hat y o u r lo ved o n es a re tr u ly s a y in g
beh in d w hat t h ere s a y in g, r e a d t h is b o ok! I t w ill c h an ge y o u r l i f e .”
— An o n li n e r e v ie w er
“ R ose n berg h as d ev elo p ed a s im ple m ethod o f c o m mun ic atin g t h at h elp s t o
a v o id tr ig gerin g a d efe n siv e r e a ctio n , a n d in ste a d s tim ula te u n der sta n din g
an d ag re em en t. It is in valu ab le in all yo u r re la tio n sh ip s, an d d e nit e ly
s h ou ld b e r e q u ir e d r e a d in g f o r e v er yo n e.”
— An o n li n e r e v ie w er
C on fl ic t T ra n sfo rm atio n :
“N on vio le n t C om munic a tio n i s o n e o f t h e m ost u se fu l p ro ce ss es y o u w ill e v er
le arn .”
— W IL LIA M U RY, c o au th or, G ettin g t o Y es “In t h is b o ok, y o u w ill n d a n a m azin gly eff ectiv e la n gu ag e f o r s a y in g w hat’s
o n y o u r m in d a n d i n y o u r h eart. L ik e s o m an y es sen tia l a n d e leg an t s y stem s,
it ’s s im ple o n t h e s u rfa ce, c h alle n gin g t o u se in t h e heat o f t h e m om en t a n d
pow erfu l i n i t s r e su lt s .”
— VIC K I R O BIN , c o au th or, Y ou r M on ey o r Y ou r L if e
“ A s fa r as n on vio le n ce an d sp ir it u al activ is m , M arsh all R osen ber g is it !
A pp ly in g th e co n ce p ts w it h in th es e bo oks w ill g u id e th e re a d er to w ard s
fo ste rin g m ore c o m pass io n i n t h e w orld .”
— MARIA N NE W IL LIA M SO N, a u th or, E very d ay G ra ce a n d h on ora ry c h air p ers o n , P ea ce A lli a n ce
“ L ik e N oam C hom sk y, R ose n berg ’s w ork is in tr in sic a lly r a d ic a l, it s u bver ts
o u r w hole sta tu s-q u o sy ste m o f p ow er : b et ween ch ild ren a n d a d u lt s , th e
sa n e a n d th e p sy ch otic , th e c rim in al a n d th e la w . R osen ber g’s d is tin ctio n
b etw een p u n it iv e a n d p ro te c tiv e f o rc e s h ou ld b e re q u ir e d r e a d in g f o r a n yo n e
m ak in g f o re ig n p oli c y o r p oli c in g o u r s tr e et s.”
— D. K IL LIA N , r e p orte r, O n e F ro n t L in e, C le v ela n d F re e T im es
“ W e h av e li v ed tr a u m atic m om en ts o ver a n d o ver a g ain — mom en ts o f fe ar
a n d p an ic , in co m pre h en sio n , fr u str a tio n s, d is a p p oin tm en t, a n d in ju stic e of
all so rts , w it h n o h op e o f e sc ap e— whic h m ad e it e v en w ors e . N on vio le n t
C om munic a tio n o ff ers u s a p ea ce fu l a lt e rn ativ e f o r e n din g t h is in ter m in ab le
R w an dan c o n ic t.”
— TH EO D ORE N YIL ID AN D I, R w an dan D ep artm en t o f F ore ig n A ffair s ; K ig ali , R w an da
“In o u r p re se n t a g e o f u n civ il d is c o u rs e an d m ean -s p ir it e d d em ag o gu er y, t h e
prin cip le s a n d p ra ctic e s o f N on vio le n t C om munic a tio n a re a s t im ely a s t h ey
are n ece ss a ry to th e p ea ce fu l res olu tio n o f co n ic ts , p er so n al o r p u bli c ,
d om estic o r i n te rn atio n al.”
— MID W EST B O OK R EV IE W , T aylo r’s S h elf
“ R ose n berg d esc rib es h ow , in n u m erou s c o n ic ts , o n ce ‘en em ies ’ h av e been
a b le t o h ear e a ch o th er’s n eed s, t h ey a re ab le to c o n nect c o m pass io n ate ly a n d
n d n ew s o lu tio n s to p re v io u sly ‘i m poss ib le ’ im pass es . I f y o u w an t to le arn
w ay s o f m ore sk illf u l sp eech I h ig h ly re co m men d th is c le ar, e a sy -to -r e a d
b o ok.”
— DIA NA L IO N, B udd h is t P ea ce F ello w sh ip , T urn in g W heel M aga zin e “A sim ple co m mun ic atio n pro ce ss th at eli m in ates th e co m pet it iv e,
a d vers a ria l, an d vio le n ce pro vo cativ e sty le of co m mun ic atio n th at has
in fe c te d m ost o f o u r l i v es. is i s n ot a b ou t t h e m eek i n her it in g t h e w orld o r
b ein g n ic e d ocile c o gs i n o u r p ow er -o ver , h ier arc h ic a l s y ste m . I t i s a b ou t t h e
‘p ro te c tiv e u se o f fo rc e,’ v u ln era b ili t y , h eart- to -h eart d ia lo gu e, a n d g et tin g
ou r n eed s m eet i n a w ay w e w ill l es s l i k ely r eg ret .”
— An o n li n e r e v ie w er
“A s a p ro fe ss io n al in th e eld , I c a n sa y th at th is b o ok p ra ctic es w hat it
p re a ch es, a n d I f o u n d t h e s te p -b y-s tep a p pro ach , ex ercis es , a n d ex am ples t o
b e c le ar a n d e a sy t o p ra ctic e.”
— A r e a d er i n M ary la n d
“I h av e n ev er re a d a cle are r, m ore str a ig h tfo rw ard , in sig h tfu l bo ok on
co m mun ic atio n . A m azin gly e a sy t o r e a d , g re at e x am ples , a n d c h allen gin g t o
p u t i n to p ra ctic e — th is b o ok i s a t r u e gi t o a ll o f u s.”
— A r e a d er i n W ash in gto n
P erso n al G ro w th :
“N on vio le n t C om munic a tio n b y M arsh all R ose n berg i s a g re at b o ok t e a ch in g
a c o m pass io n ate w ay t o t a lk t o p eo p le— ev en i f y o u ( o r t h ey ) a re an gry.”
— JO E V IT A LE , a u th or, S p ir it u al M ark etin g, e P ow er o f O utr a geo u s M ark etin g
“C han gin g th e w ay th e w orld h as w ork ed fo r 5 ,0 00 y ears s o u n ds d au ntin g,
b u t N on vio le n t C om munic a tio n h elp s li b era te u s fr o m a n cie n t p att er ns o f
vio le n ce.”
— FR A N CIS L E FK O W IT Z, r e p orte r, B od y & S ou l
“A r e v o lu tio n ary w ay o f l o okin g a t l a n gu ag e. I f en ou gh p eo p le actu ally m ak e
u se o f th e m ate ria l in N on vio le n t C om munic a tio n w e m ay so on li v e in a
m ore p ea ce fu l a n d c o m pass io n ate w orld .”
— W ES T A Y LO R, P ro gre ssiv e H ea lt h
“ e s in gle t o u gh est, m ost d an ger ou s o p p on en t I ’d e v er f a ce d — th e on e th at
tr u ly h u rt m e t h e m ost, c au sin g m e t o s p en d 3 0 y ears o f m y li f e beh in d b ars
— was m y o w n a n ger a n d fe ar. I w rit e th es e word s n ow , a g ra y -h air e d o ld
m an , h op in g t o G od — befo re y o u s u ff er w hat I ’v e su ff er ed — th at i t w ill c au se
y o u t o li s te n a n d le arn N on vio le n t C om munic a tio n . I t w ill t e a ch y o u h ow t o re co gn iz e a n ger b efo re it b eco m es v io len ce, a n d h ow to u n der sta n d, d ea l
w it h , a n d t a k e c o n tr o l o f t h e r a g e y o u m ay f e el.”
— A p ris o n er w rit in g t o f e llo w i n m ate s
“ is is th e m ost co n cis e , m ost cle arly w rit t en m an u al o n in ter per so n al
co m mun ic atio n I ’v e e v er c o m e a cro ss . I ’v e been c h allen ged b y t h is b o ok to
b e t h e c h an ge I w an t t o s e e i n m y w orld .”
— An o n li n e r e v ie w er
“ L it e ra lly , a n yo n e w ho s p ea k s c o u ld b en et f r o m r e a d in g t h is b o ok! I t h elp s
u s to re a li z e n ot o n ly th e p ow er o f w ord s, b u t h ow to c h oose ou r w ord s
bett e r an d ult im ate ly en han ce both co m mun ic atio n an d re la tio n sh ip s!
H ig h ly r e co m men ded !”
— An o n li n e r e v ie w er
“ B y ta k in g a ste p back fr o m daily fr u str a tio n s, dis a p p oin tm en ts , an d
str e ss o rs , a n d r e -e x am in in g th e p u rp ose of m y o w n a n d o th er s’ n eed s, th is
b o ok h as h elp ed m e li s te n m ore deep ly , act m ore gen u in ely , an d n d
acce p ta n ce i n d iffi cu lt s it u atio n s. W ell d on e!”
— An o n li n e r e v ie w er
“ I a m o n e o f th ose p eo p le w ho is h ig h ly c rit ic a l o f m yse lf . is b o ok is
t e a ch in g m e t o lo ve m yse lf s o I c a n t r u ly c a re fo r o th er s. I t c a n p av e th e w ay
fo r p ea ce b etw een p eo p le , d iff er en t et hn ic g ro u p s, co u ntr ies , et c., an d I
b eli e v e o u r w orld r e a lly n eed s t h is .”
P are n tin g a n d F am ily C om mun ic a tio n :
“W it h th e gro w th in to d ay ’s d ysfu n ctio n al fa m ili es an d th e in cre a se of
vio le n ce i n o u r s c h ools , N on vio le n t C om munic a tio n i s a g o d se n d.”
— LIN DA C . S T O EH R, L os C oli n as B usin ess N ew s
“ is b o ok is e ss e n tia l re a d in g fo r a n yo n e se ek in g to e n d th e un fu l lli n g
cy cle s of arg u m en t in th eir re la tio n sh ip , an d fo r paren ts w ho w is h to
in u en ce th eir c h ild re n ’s ’ b eh av io r b y en gen der in g c o m pass io n r a th er th an
sim ply a ch ie v in g o b ed ie n ce.”
— An o n li n e r e v ie w er “In a d dit io n to s a v in g o u r m arria g e, N on vio le n t C om munic a tio n is h elp in g
us re p air o u r re la tio n sh ip s w it h o u r g ro w n ch ild ren an d to re la te more
d eep ly w it h o u r p are n ts a n d s ib li n gs. I f a n gels d o m an if es t in p hysic a l f o rm
h ere o n t h is e arth , t h en M arsh all R osen ber g m ust b e on e.”
— A r e a d er i n A riz o n a
“M y re la tio n sh ip w it h m y h u sb an d, w hic h w as g o o d a lr e a d y, h as b eco m e
ev en b ett e r. I’v e ta u gh t N VC to m an y p aren ts w ho h av e sin ce gain ed a
d eep er u n dersta n din g o f th eir c h ild ren , th u s en han cin g th ei r re la tio n sh ip
a n d d ecre a sin g t e n sio n a n d c o n ic t.”
— A r e a d er i n I lli n ois
“ N on vio le n t C om munic a tio n a llo w ed m e t o o verc o m e m y t o xic c o n dit io n in g
an d n d t h e l o vin g p are n t a n d p er so n t h at w as l o ck ed i n sid e. D r. R osen ber g
has c re ate d a w ay t o t r a n sfo rm t h e vio len ce i n t h e w orld .”
— A n u rs e i n C ali f o rn ia
“ U sin g N on vio le n t C om munic a tio n w as v it a l t o h ea li n g m y r e la tio n sh ip w it h
m y s is te r; a n d fo r m e, it s e rv es a s a g u id e fo r a p p ly in g B udd h is t p ra ctic e to
c o m mun ic atio n .”
— JA N E L A ZA R, Z en S tu den t i n R esid en ce / N VC T ra in er
“ W hat b eg an a s a s e arc h fo r a b et ter d is c ip li n e sy ste m fo r o u r s ix -y ear- o ld
h as t u rn ed o u t t o b e a p h ilo so p h ic a l a p pro ach a n d c o m mun ic atio n t o ol t h at
is t r a n sfo rm in g h ow w e r e la te t o e a ch o th er a n d o u rs e lv es .”
— An o n li n e r e v ie w er
“ In cre d ib le b o ok t h at h as t r a n sfo rm ed m y w ay o f b ei ng a n d c o m mun ic atin g.
I h av e e v ery o n e i n m y f a m ily r e a d in g i t n ow !”
— An o n li n e r e v ie w er
“ I s p en t 4 0 y ears o f m y li f e tr y in g to r e ce iv e em path y fr o m m y d ad . A er
on ly r e a d in g h alf o f t h is b o ok, I w as a b le to ex pres s m yse lf in a w ay t h at h e
w as a b le t o n ally h ear m e a n d g iv e m e what I n eed ed . I t w as a g i b ey o n d
w ord s.”
— An o n li n e r e v ie w er
S p ir it u ali t y : “In m y estim atio n , N on vio le n t C om munic a tio n is as ra d ic a l an d ch an ge-
m ak in g a s th e E ig h t- F old P ath . I p re d ic t th at a ctiv e use of N VC in o u r
sa n gh as w ou ld s ig n i ca n tly c u t t h ro u gh f r u str a tio n s a n d g ro w in g p ain s.”
— JO AN S T A RR W ARD , m em ber, S p ir it R ock C en te r, C ali f o rn ia , a n d t h e B udd h is t P ea ce F ello w sh ip
“ B udd h is m a n d N on vio le n t C om munic a tio n a re r o om s in t h e s a m e h ou se . I
s tr o n gly re co m men d N VC as a h ig h ly eff ectiv e pra ctic e fo r d ev elo p in g
cla rit y a n d g en u in e c o m pass io n .”
— LE W IS R H AM ES, V ip ass a n a I n sig h t M ed it a tio n , M in im al S ecu rit y U nit , M on ro e C orre ctio n al
C om ple x
“ F or c o n vic ts im mers e d in a n e n vir o n m en t w hic h in ten si es a n d r ei nfo rc es
co n ic t, d is c o verin g t h is s te p -b y-s tep m ethod olo gy a d vo catin g c o m pass io n
th ro u gh c o m mun ic atio n i s e n orm ou sly l i b er atin g.”
— DOW G O RD ON , F re ed om P ris o n P ro je ct, S eatt le , W ash in gto n
“ N VC is th e la n gu ag e o f e n li g h ten men t. S o sim ple yet so d iffi cu lt . U sin g
N VC c a n c h an ge y o u r li f e , b rin g c la rit y to y o u r th in kin g, a n d tr a n sfo rm
re la tio n sh ip s.”
— An o n li n e r e v ie w er
E du ca tio n :
“M arsh all’s s tr a te g ie s fo r a ctiv e li s te n in g r e a lly w ork . I t e a ch m id d le sc h ool,
a n d it h as w ork ed b oth a t w ork a n d w it h m y fa m ily . A g o o d s tep a lo n g t h e
w ay t o t r a n sfo rm atio n .”
— An o n li n e r e v ie w er
“ ro u gh c o m pelli n g, r e a l l i f e e x am ples , R osen ber g b rin gs t h e N VC p ro ces s
to li f e . M y c o lle g e stu den ts , e sp ecia lly th e old er o n es, sh are wit h m e th at
re a d in g t h is b o ok h as c h an ged t h ei r li f e . T ry in g t o p ra ctic e t h e step s m yse lf
i n d aily in te ra ctio n s, at m eetin gs, an d in th e cla ss ro om , h as als o h ad a
p ow erfu l e ff ec t o n m e.”
— An o n li n e r e v ie w er
“ N VC h as m ad e a h u ge d iff eren ce in m y li f e wit h m y c h ild ren , re la tiv es ,
te a ch ers o f s c h ools , w ork , a n d t h e li s t g o es o n . W hen I d is c o ver ed t h is b o ok,
I w as r e a lly d ou btfu l th at a n yth in g c o u ld h elp m e ch an ge th e natu re of m y re la tio n sh ip s w it h o th ers a n d I a m a sto n is h ed a t t h e dep th a n d s im pli c it y o f
N on vio le n t C om munic a tio n .”
— An o n li n e r e v ie w er
P ro fe ssio n al era p y a n d M ed ia tio n :
“ e q u ali t y o f e m path y I n ow a m a b le to p ro vid e has en li v en ed m y t h er ap y
p ra ctic e. is b o ok g iv es m e h op e th at I c a n c o n tr ib u te to t h e well b ei ng o f
m y c li e n ts , a n d a ls o c o n nec t d eep ly w it h m y f r ien ds a n d f a m ily . e step -b y-
ste p e m path y s k ills i n t h is b o ok a re le arn ab le by a n yo n e.”
— An o n li n e r e v ie w er
“A s a th era p is t, I h av e fo u n d th is b o ok to b e help fu l to c li en ts w it h a n ger
m an ag em en t d iffi cu lt ie s, a n d p ro blem s w it h c o n ic t i n r e la tio n sh ip s b ecau se
it p ro m ote s se lf - a w are n ess an d se lf - a cce p ta n ce. N VC ta k es p ra ctic e, b u t
on ce y o u u n dersta n d a n d in te rn ali z e th e gen eral a tt it u de pro m ote d in th is
b o ok, i t s tic k s. A nd t h en i t s e ep s i n to y o u r l i f e li k e a s o oth in g b alm .”
— An o n li n e r e v ie w er
“ I h av e n ev er re a d a cle are r, m ore str a ig h tfo rw ard , in sig h tfu l bo ok on
co m mun ic atio n . A er s tu dyin g a n d t e a ch in g a ss er tiv en ess s in ce t h e 70s, t h is
b o ok is a b re ath o f fr e sh a ir . R osen ber g a d ds th e brilli a n t in sig h t in to th e
li n kag e o f fe eli n gs a n d n eed s a n d ta k in g res pon sib ili t y a n d c re ates a tr u e
to ol.”
— An o n li n e r e v ie w er
B usin ess:
“ e p rin cip le s o f N on vio le n t C om mun ic atio n t a u gh t b y D r. R osen ber g a re
in str u m en ta l in c re atin g a n e x tr a o rd in ary a n d fu l lli n g q u ali t y o f li f e . H is
c o m pass io n ate a n d in sp ir in g m essa g e cu ts rig h t to th e heart o f su cces sfu l
co m mun ic atio n , h is h eartfe lt m essa g e an d g en u in e lo ve fo r h u m an k in d is
i n sp ir in g, a n d h is str a te g ie s h old th e pow er , n ot o n ly c h an ge li v es , b u t to
t r a n sfo rm y o u r w orld .
“D r. R ose n berg h as b ro u gh t t h e s im pli c it y o f s u cce ss fu l c o m mun ic atio n i n to
t h e fo re g ro u n d. N o m att e r w hat is su e yo u ’r e fa cin g, his str a teg ies fo r
co m mun ic atin g w it h o th ers w ill s et y o u u p t o w in e v er y t im e.”
— TO N Y R O BBIN S, a u th or, A w aken t h e G ia n t W it h in a n d U nli m it e d P ow er “I g o t to th is b o ok th an ks to a r e co m men datio n b y S aty a N ad ella ( C EO o f
M ic ro so ). e bo ok pre se n ts a sim ple te ch n iq u e an d ex am ples to
e m path iz e a n d c o n nec t w it h p eo p le ’s fe eli n gs. I n ste a d o f ju dgin g p eo p le by
th e m ess a g e, th e b o ok h elp s y o u u n dersta n d th e need s b eh in d a n d w hat
fe eli n gs a n d e m otio n s a re d riv in g t h em . H ig h ly r e co m men ded .”
— An o n li n e r e v ie w er Con te n ts
Fore w ord b y D eep ak C hop ra , M D
Ack n ow le d gm en ts
1 G iv in g F ro m t h e H ea rt
In tr o du ctio n
A W ay t o F o cu s A tt e n tio n
e N VC P ro ce ss
A pp ly in g N VC i n O ur L iv es a n d t h e W orld
N VC i n A ctio n : “ M urd ere r, A ss a ss in , C hild -K iller !”
2 C om mun ic a tio n at B lo ck s C om passio n
M ora li s tic J u dgm en ts
M ak in g C om paris o n s
D en ia l o f R esp on sib ili t y
O th er F orm s o f L if e -A li e n atin g C om mun ic atio n
3 O bse r v in g W it h ou t E va lu atin g
e H ig h est F orm o f H um an I n te lli g en ce
D is tin gu is h in g O bse rv atio n s F ro m E valu atio n s
N VC i n A ctio n : “ e M ost A rro gan t S p ea k er W e’v e Ever H ad !”
E xerc is e 1 : O bse rv atio n o r E valu atio n ?
4 Id en tif y in g a n d E xp re ssin g F eeli n gs
e H eav y C ost o f U nex p re ss e d F eeli n gs
F eeli n gs v ersu s N on -F eeli n gs
B uild in g a V oca b u la ry f o r F eeli n gs
E xerc is e 2 : E xp re ss in g F eeli n gs 5 T ak in g R esp on sib ili t y f o r O ur F eeli n gs
H earin g a N eg ativ e M ess a g e: F ou r O ptio n s
e N eed s a t t h e R oots o f F eeli n gs
e P ain o f E xp re ss in g O ur N eed s v er su s t h e Pain o f N ot E xp res sin g O ur
N eed s
Fro m E m otio n al S la v ery t o E m otio n al L ib er atio n
N VC i n A ctio n : “ B rin g B ack t h e S tig m a o f I lleg it im acy !”
E xerc is e 3 : A ck n ow le d gin g N eed s
6 R eq u estin g at W hic h W ou ld E nric h Lif e
U sin g P osit iv e A ctio n L an gu ag e
M ak in g R eq u ests C on sc io u sly
A sk in g f o r a R e ec tio n
R eq u estin g H on esty
M ak in g R eq u ests o f a G ro u p
R eq u ests v ersu s D em an ds
D e n in g O ur O bje c tiv e W hen M ak in g R eq u es ts
N VC i n A ctio n : S h arin g F ears A bou t a B es t F rien d’s S m okin g
E xerc is e 4 : E xp re ss in g R eq u ests
7 R ece iv in g E m path ic a lly
P re se n ce : D on’t J u st D o S o m eth in g, S ta n d ere
Lis te n in g f o r F eeli n gs a n d N eed s
P ara p h ra sin g
Su sta in in g E m path y
W hen P ain B lo ck s O ur A bili t y t o E m path iz e
N VC i n A ctio n : A W if e C on nec ts W it h H er D yin g H usb an d
E xerc is e 5 : R ece iv in g E m path ic a lly v er su s N on -E m path ic a lly
8 e P ow er o f E m path y
E m path y at H ea ls
E m path y a n d t h e A bili t y t o B e V uln er ab le
U sin g E m path y t o D efu se D an ger
E m path y i n H earin g S o m eo n e’s “ N o!”
E m path y t o R ev iv e a L if e le ss C on ver sa tio n Em path y f o r S ile n ce
9 C on nectin g C om passio n ate ly W it h O urse lv es
R em em berin g t h e S p ecia ln ess o f W hat W e A re
E valu atin g O urs e lv es W hen W e’v e B een L es s an P er fe ct
T ra n sla tin g S elf - Ju dgm en ts a n d I n ner D em an ds
N VC M ou rn in g
Self - F org iv en ess
e L ess o n o f t h e P olk a-D ott e d S u it
D on’t D o A nyth in g at I s n ’t P la y !
T ra n sla tin g “ H av e t o ” t o “ C hoose t o ”
C ult iv atin g A w are n ess o f t h e E nerg y B eh in d O ur A ctio n s
10 E xp re ssin g A nger F u lly
D is tin gu is h in g S tim ulu s F ro m C au se
A ll A nger H as a L if e -S erv in g C ore
S tim ulu s v ersu s C au se : P ra ctic a l I m pli c atio n s
Fou r S te p s t o E xp re ss in g A nger
O fferin g E m path y F ir st
T ak in g O ur T im e
NVC i n A ctio n : P are n t a n d T een D ia lo gu e A L if e- re ate n in g I s su e
11 C on fl ic t R eso lu tio n a n d M ed ia tio n
H um an C on nec tio n
N VC C on ic t R eso lu tio n v ersu s T ra d it io n al M ed ia tio n
N VC C on ic t R eso lu tio n S te p s— A Q uic k O ver vie w
O n N eed s, S tr a te g ie s, a n d A naly sis
E m path y t o E ase t h e P ain at P re v en ts H earin g
U sin g P re se n t a n d P osit iv e A ctio n L an gu ag e t o R es olv e C on ic t
U sin g A ctio n V erb s
T ra n sla tin g “ N o”
N VC a n d t h e M ed ia to r R ole
W hen P eo p le S ay “ N o” t o M eetin g F ace to F ace
In fo rm al M ed ia tio n : S tic k in g O ur N ose in O th er P eo p le ’s B usin es s 12 e P ro te ctiv e U se o f F orc e
W hen t h e U se o f F orc e I s U nav o id ab le
e in kin g B eh in d t h e U se o f F orc e
T yp es o f P un it iv e F orc e
e C osts o f P un is h m en t
T w o Q uestio n s at R ev ea l t h e L im it a tio n s o f P un is h m en t
e P ro te c tiv e U se o f F orc e i n S ch ools
1 3 L ib era tin g O urse lv es a n d C ou n se li n g O th ers
F re ein g O urs e lv es F ro m O ld P ro gra m min g
R eso lv in g I n te rn al C on ic ts
C arin g f o r O ur I n ner E nvir o n m en t
Rep la cin g D ia g n osis W it h N VC
N VC i n A ctio n : D ea li n g W it h R esen tm en t a n d S elf - Ju dgm en t
14 E xp re ssin g A ppre cia tio n i n N on vio le n t C om mun ic a tio n
e I n te n tio n B eh in d t h e A ppre cia tio n
e re e C om pon en ts o f A ppre cia tio n
R ece iv in g A ppre cia tio n
e H un ger f o r A ppre cia tio n
O verc o m in g t h e R elu cta n ce t o E xp res s A ppre cia tio n
E pilo gu e
B ib li o gra p hy
In dex
e F ou r- P art N on vio le n t C om mun ic atio n P ro ce ss
S o m e B asic F eeli n gs a n d N eed s W e A ll H av e
A bou t N on vio le n t C om mun ic atio n
A bou t P udd le D an ce r P re ss
A bou t t h e C en te r f o r N on vio le n t C om mun ic atio n
T ra d e B ooks F ro m P udd le D an ce r P res s
Tra d e B ook le ts F ro m P udd le D an ce r P res s
Abou t t h e A uth or N
Fore w ord
D eep ak C hop ra , M D
Fou n der o f th e C hop ra C en te r fo r W ellb ein g a n d a u th or o f m ore th an e ig h ty b o oks tr a n sla te d in
o ver f o rty -th re e l a n gu ag es, i n clu din g t w en ty -tw o N ew Y ork T im es b ests e lle rs
o o n e d ese rv es o u r g ra tit u de m ore th an th e la te M arsh all R osen ber g,
w ho l i v ed h is l i f e j u st a s t h e t it le o f o n e o f h is b o oks s ta te s: S p ea k P ea ce
in a W orld o f C on flic t. H e w as k een ly a w are o f t h e m ax im ( o r w arn in g) t h at’s
c o n ta in ed i n t h e s u btit le o f t h at b o ok: W hat Y ou S ay N ex t W ill C han ge You r
W orld . P ers o n al re a li t y alw ay s co n ta in s a sto ry, an d th e sto ry w e li v e,
b eg in nin g fr o m in fa n cy, is b ase d o n la n gu ag e. is b eca m e th e fo u n datio n
o f M arsh all’s ap pro ach to co n ic t res olu tio n , g et tin g p eo p le to ex ch an ge
w ord s i n a w ay t h at e x clu des j u dgm en ts , b la m e, a n d v io len ce.
e co n to rte d fa ce s of pro te sto rs on th e str e et s th at m ak e su ch
d is tu rb in g im ag es o n th e e v en in g n ew s a re m ore th an im ag es . E ach fa ce,
e a ch s h ou t, e a ch g estu re h as a h is to ry. E ver yo n e cli n gs t o t h ei r h is to ry w it h a
v en gean ce, b ecau se it a n ch ors th ei r id en tit y . S o w hen M arsh all a d vo cate d
p ea ce fu l ta lk , h e w as a d vo catin g a n ew id en tit y a t th e sa m e tim e. H e fu lly
r e a li z e d th is fa ct. A s h e sta te s a b ou t N on vio len t C om mun ic atio n a n d th e
ro le o f t h e m ed ia to r i n t h is n ew t h ir d e d it io n , “ W e’r e tr y in g t o l i v e a d iff er en t
valu e s y ste m w hile w e a re a sk in g f o r t h in gs t o c h an ge.”
I n h is v is io n o f a n ew v alu e s y stem , c o n ic ts a re res olv ed w it h ou t th e
usu al fr u str a tin g co m pro m is e s. In ste a d , th e co n ten din g p arties ap pro ach
e a ch o th er w it h re sp ec t. ey ask ab ou t ea ch o th er ’s n eed s, an d in an
atm osp h ere f r e e o f p ass io n s a n d p rej udic e s, t h ey r e a ch a c o n nectio n . G azin g
on a w orld r if e w it h w ar a n d v io le n ce, w here u s-v ersu s-th em t h in kin g i s t h e
n orm , an d w here co u ntr ie s ca n b re a k a ll b on ds o f civ ili z e d ex is ten ce to
c o m mit u n beara b le a tr o cit ie s, a n ew v alu e sy ste m s e em s fa r a w ay. A t o n e
E uro p ean c o n fe re n ce f o r m ed ia to rs , a s k ep tic c rit ic iz e d M arsh all’s a p pro ach
a s p sy ch oth era p y. I n p op u la r l a n gu ag e, i s n ’t h e ask in g u s t o s im ply f o rg et t h e past a n d ju st b e f r ie n ds, a r e m ote pro sp ect n ot ju st i n t h e w ar- to rn a re a s b u t
in a n y d iv o rc e c a se ?
V alu e s y ste m s a re p ack ed i n t h e l u ggag e o f e v er y w orld vie w . N ot o n ly a re
th ey in esc ap ab le , b u t p eo p le are pro u d o f th em —th er e’s a lo n g tr a d it io n
aro u n d t h e w orld o f p riz in g a n d f e arin g w arrio rs a t t h e sa m e tim e. J u n gia n s
te ll u s th at th e a rc h ety p e o f M ars , th e vo la tile g o d o f w ar, is im bed ded in
e v ery o n e’s u n co n sc io u s, m ak in g c o n ic t a n d a g gres sio n i n ev it a b le , a k in d o f
in here n t v ic e.
B ut t h ere ’s a n a lt e rn ativ e v ie w o f h u m an n atu re , e lo qu en tly ex pres se d in
t h is b o ok th at m ust b e c o n sid ere d , b ecau se it ’s o u r o n ly r e a l h op e. In th is
v ie w , w e are n ot o u r sto rie s. ese sto ries are se lf - c re ate d ctio n s th at
re m ain in ta ct th ro u gh h ab it , g ro u p c o er cio n , o ld c o n dit io n in g, a n d la ck o f
se lf - a w are n ess . E ven th e b est s to ries c o lla b ora te in v io len ce. I f y o u w an t to
u se fo rc e to p ro te c t y o u r fa m ily , g u ard y o u rs e lf fr o m a tt a ck , gh t a g ain st
w ro n gd oin g, p re v en t c rim e, a n d en gag e in a s o -c a lle d “ g o o d w ar,” y o u h av e
b een c o -o p te d b y t h e s ir e n s o n g o f v io len ce. I f y o u d ecid e to o p t o u t, t h er e’s
a s iz a b le c h an ce t h at s o cie ty w ill t u rn o n y o u a n d ex act r et rib u tio n . I n s h ort,
n din g a w ay o u t i s n ’t e a sy .
In In dia th ere ’s an an cie n t m od el fo r non vio len t li v in g kn ow n as
A him sa , w hic h i s c e n tr a l t o t h e n on vio len t li f e . A him sa i s u su ally d e ned a s
n on vio le n ce, alt h ou gh it s m ean in g ex ten ds fr o m M ah atm a Gan dh i’s
p ea ce fu l p ro te sts to A lb ert S ch w eit z e r’s re v er en ce fo r li f e . “D o n o h arm ”
wou ld b e t h e rst a x io m o f A him sa . W hat s o im pres se d m e ab ou t M arsh all
R ose n berg , w ho p ass e d a w ay a t e ig h ty , ju st s ix w eek s b ef ore I w rit e th is , is
t h at h e g ra sp ed b oth l e v els o f A him sa , a ctio n a n d c o n sc io u sn ess .
e a ctio n s a re w ell d esc rib ed in th e fo llo w in g p ag es a s p rin cip les o f
N on vio le n t C om mun ic atio n , s o I w on’t r ep eat t h em h er e. T o b e in A him sa
c o n sc io u sn ess is m uch m ore p ow er fu l, a n d M arsh all p oss es se d t h at t r a it . I n
a n y c o n ic t, h e d id n’t c h oose sid es o r e v en c a re p rim arily w hat t h ei r s to ries
w ere . R eco gn iz in g t h at a ll s to rie s le a d to c o n ic t, e it h er o ver tly o r c o ver tly ,
h e f o cu se d o n c o n nec tio n s a s a p sy ch olo gic a l b rid ge. is i s i n k eep in g w it h
a n oth er a x io m o f A him sa : I t’s n ot w hat y o u d o t h at c o u nts , i t ’s t h e qu ali t y o f
yo u r a tt e n tio n . A s f a r a s t h e l e g al s y ste m i s c o n cer ned , a d iv o rc e i s o ver o n ce
th e tw o p artie s s e tt le o n h ow to sp li t th ei r a ss et s. B ut th is is fa r fr o m th e
re su lt th at’s re a ch ed em otio n ally b et ween th e tw o d iv o rc e d p arties . T oo
m uch h as b een s a id , t o u se M arsh all’s w ord in g, t h at c h an ged t h ei r w orld . Aggre ss io n is b u ilt in to t h e e g o s y ste m , w hic h t o ta lly fo cu ses o n “ I, m e,
a n d m in e” w hen ev er c o n ic t a ris es . S o ciet y p ay s li p ser vic e to sa in ts a n d
th eir v o w t o s e rv e G od i n ste a d o f t h em se lv es , b u t t h er e’s a h u ge g ap b et ween
th e v alu es w e e sp ou se a n d t h e w ay w e a ctu ally li v e. A him sa c lo ses t h is g ap
o n ly b y e x p an din g a p ers o n’s a w aren ess. e on ly w ay t o r es olv e all v io len ce
is t o g iv e u p y o u r s to ry. N o o n e c a n b e en li g h ten ed w ho s till h as a p er so n al
sta k e i n t h e w orld — th at c o u ld b e th e th ir d a x io m o f A him sa . B ut t h is s e em s
li k e a te a ch in g a s ra d ic a l a s Je su s in th e Ser m on o n th e M ou nt w hen h e
pro m is e s t h at t h e m eek s h all i n her it t h e earth .
In b oth c a se s, t h e p oin t is n ’t to c h an ge y o u r a ctio n s b u t to c h an ge yo u r
co n sc io u sn ess . T o d o t h at, y o u m ust w alk a p ath f r o m A t o B , w her e A is a
li f e b ase d o n t h e i n ce ss a n t d em an ds o f t h e eg o a n d B i s s e l es s a w aren ess. T o
be fr a n k, n ob o d y re a lly d esir e s se l es s a w aren ess; fr o m th e vie w poin t o f
lo okin g o u t f o r n u m ber o n e, it s o u n ds a t o n ce sc a ry a n d im poss ib le . W hat’s
t h e p ay o ff if y o u d ep ose t h e e g o , w hic h is a ll a b ou t p ay o ff s? O nce th e eg o is
g o n e, d o y o u s it a ro u n d p ass iv ely l i k e a s p ir it u al b ean bag ?
e an sw er li e s in th ose m om en ts w hen th e per so n al se lf fa lls aw ay
n atu ra lly an d sp on ta n eo u sly . ese occ u r in m om en ts o f m ed it a tio n o r
sim ply d eep co n te n tm en t. Sel es s aw aren ess is th e sta te w e’r e in w hen
N atu re or art or m usic cre ates a sen se of w on der. e on ly d iff er en ce
b etw een t h ose m om en ts — to w hic h w e c a n a d d a ll e x p er ien ce s o f c re ativ it y ,
lo ve, a n d p la y — an d A him sa i s t h at t h ey ic k er i n a n d o u t w hile A him sa i s a
s e tt le d s ta te . I t r e v ea ls t h at s to ries a n d t h e eg os t h at f u el t h em a re illu sio n s,
s e lf - c re ate d m od els fo r s u rv iv al a n d s e l sh n es s. e pay o ff fo r A him sa is n ’t
t h at y o u u p gra d e t h e illu sio n , w hic h is w hat t h e eg o is a lw ay s s tr iv in g t o d o
w it h m ore m on ey, p oss e ss io n s, a n d p ow er . e pay o ff is th at y o u g et to b e
w ho y o u r e a lly a re .
H ig h er co n sc io u sn ess is to o lo y as th e ter m fo r A him sa . N orm al
co n sc io u sn ess is m ore a cc u ra te in a w orld w her e th e norm is s o a b n orm al
th at it a m ou nts t o p sy ch op ath olo gy. I t’s n ot n orm al t o li v e in a w orld w her e
th ou sa n ds o f n u cle ar w arh ea d s a re aim ed a t t h e en em y a n d te rro ris m is a n
a cce p ta b le r e li g io u s a ct— th ey a re m erely t h e norm .
For m e, th e le g acy o f M arsh all’s li f e lo n g w ork d oes n’t li e in h ow h e
re v o lu tio n iz e d th e ro le o f th e m ed ia to r, v alu ab le as th at w as. It li es in th e
n ew v alu e s y ste m h e li v ed b y, w hic h i n t r u th i s q u it e an cien t. A him sa h as t o
b e r e v iv ed i n e v ery g en era tio n , b ecau se hu m an n atu re is t o rn b et ween p ea ce an d vio le n ce. M arsh all R ose n ber g gav e pro of th at en ter in g th is sta te of
ex p an ded a w are n ess w as re a l a n d, w hen it c a m e to s et tli n g d is p u tes , v er y
pra ctic a l. H e le av es fo otp rin ts t h at t h e res t o f u s c a n fo llo w . I f w e hav e tr u e
se lf - in te re st at h eart, w e w ill fo llo w . It’s th e on ly alt er nativ e in a w orld
d esp era te ly s e ek in g w is d om a n d t h e en d o f s tr if e .
— Deep ak C hop ra I
Ack n ow le d gm en ts
’m g ra te fu l t h at I w as a b le t o s tu dy a n d w ork w it h P ro fe ss o r C arl R oger s
at a tim e w hen he w as re se arc h in g th e co m pon en ts of a help in g
re la tio n sh ip . e r e su lt s o f t h is r es earc h p la y ed a k ey r o le in t h e ev o lu tio n o f
th e p ro ce ss o f c o m mun ic atio n t h at I w ill b e des crib in g i n t h is b o ok.
I w ill b e fo re v er g ra te fu l th at P ro fe ss o r M ic h ael H ak eem h elp ed m e to
s e e th e sc ie n ti c li m it a tio n s an d th e so cia l an d poli t ic a l dan ger s of
p ra ctic in g p sy ch olo gy in t h e w ay t h at I h ad b een t r a in ed : w it h a p ath olo gy-
b ase d u n dersta n din g o f h u m an b ei ngs. S eei ng t h e li m it a tio n s o f t h is m od el
stim ula te d m e to s e arc h fo r w ay s o f p ra ctic in g a d iff er en t p sy ch olo gy, o n e
base d o n a g ro w in g c la rit y a b ou t h ow w e hu m an b ei ngs w er e m ean t t o l i v e.
I’m g ra te fu l, to o, fo r G eo rg e M iller ’s a n d G eo rg e A lb ee’s e ff orts to a ler t
psy ch olo gis ts to th e n eed to n d b et ter w ay s fo r “g iv in g p sy ch olo gy a w ay.”
ey h elp ed m e s e e th at th e e n orm it y o f su ff erin g o n o u r p la n et re q u ir es
m ore e ff ec tiv e w ay s o f d is tr ib u tin g m uch -n eed ed s k ills th an c a n b e off er ed
b y a c li n ic a l a p pro ach .
I w ou ld li k e to th an k L u cy L eu fo r e d it in g th is b o ok a n d c re atin g th e
n al m an usc rip t; R it a H erz o g a n d K ath y S m it h fo r th ei r e d it in g a ss is ta n ce;
a n d, fo r th eir a d dit io n al h elp , D aro ld M illi g an , S o n ia N ord en so n , M ela n ie
S ears , B rid get B elg ra v e, M aria n M oore , K it t r e ll M cC ord , V ir g in ia H oyte ,
a n d P ete r W eis m ille r.
F in ally , I w ou ld li k e t o e x p re ss g ra tit u de to m y f r ien d A nn ie M uller . H er
en co u ra g em en t t o b e c le are r a b ou t t h e sp ir it u al fo u n datio n o f m y w ork h as
str e n gth en ed t h at w ork a n d e n ric h ed m y l i f e . Word s A re W in dow s
(o r ey ’r e W alls )
I f e el s o s e n te n ce d b y y o u r w ord s,
I f e el s o j u dged a n d s e n t a w ay,
B efo re I g o I ’v e go t t o k n ow ,
Is t h at w hat y o u m ea n t o s a y?
B efo re I r is e to m y d efe n se ,
B efo re I s p ea k i n h u rt o r f e a r,
B efo re I b u ild t h at w all o f w ord s,
T ell m e, d id I r e a lly h ea r?
W ord s a re w in dow s, o r t h ey’r e w all s ,
ey s e n te n ce us, o r s e t u s f r e e .
W hen I s p ea k a n d w hen I h ea r,
L et t h e lo ve li g h t s h in e th ro u gh m e.
ere are th in gs I n eed t o s a y,
in gs t h at m ea n s o m uch t o m e,
If m y w ord s d on’t m ake m e cle a r,
W ill y o u h elp m e to b e fr e e?
If I s e e m ed t o p u t y o u d ow n,
If y o u f e lt I d id n’t c a re ,
T ry t o l i s te n t h ro u gh m y w ord s,
T o t h e fe eli n gs t h at w e sh are .
— Ruth B eb erm ey er 1
Giv in g F ro m t h e H ea rt e H ea rt o f N on vio le n t C om mun ic a tio n
W hat I w an t i n m y l i f e is c o m pa ss io n ,
a fl ow b etw ee n m yse lf a n d o th ers b a se d
o n a m utu al g iv in g f r o m t h e hea rt.
— Marsh all B . R ose n berg , P hD B
I
In tr o d u ctio n
eli e v in g th at it is ou r natu re to en jo y giv in g an d re ce iv in g in a
co m pass io n ate m an ner, I h av e b een p re o cc u pie d m ost o f m y li f e wit h
tw o q u estio n s: W hat h ap p en s to d is c o n nect u s fr o m o u r co m pass io n ate
n atu re , le a d in g u s to b eh av e v io len tly a n d e x p lo it a tiv ely ? A nd c o n ver se ly ,
w hat a llo w s s o m e p eo p le to sta y c o n necte d to th ei r c o m pass io n ate natu re
u n der e v en t h e m ost t r y in g c ir c u m sta n ce s?
M y p re o cc u p atio n w it h t h ese q u es tio n s b eg an in c h ild hood , a ro u n d t h e
su m mer o f 1 943, w hen o u r f a m ily m oved t o D etr o it , M ic h ig an . e se co n d
w eek a er w e a rriv ed , a r a ce w ar e ru pte d o ver a n in cid en t a t a p u bli c p ark .
M ore t h an f o rty p eo p le w ere k ille d in t h e nex t f e w d ay s. O ur n eig h borh ood
w as s it u ate d i n t h e c e n te r o f t h e v io len ce, a n d w e s p en t t h re e day s lo ck ed i n
t h e h ou se .
W hen th e r a ce r io t e n ded a n d s c h ool b eg an , I d is c o ver ed th at a n am e
co u ld b e a s d an gero u s a s a n y s k in c o lo r. W hen t h e te a ch er c a lle d m y n am e
du rin g a tt e n dan ce, t w o b oys g la re d a t m e an d h is s e d , “ A re yo u a k ik e? ” I h ad
n ev er h eard th e w ord b efo re an d did n’t k n ow so m e p eo p le u se d it in a
d ero gato ry w ay to re fe r to Je w s. A er sc h ool, th e sa m e tw o b oys w er e
wait in g f o r m e: t h ey t h re w m e t o t h e gro u n d a n d k ic k ed a n d b eat m e.
S in ce th at s u m mer in 1 943, I h av e been e x am in in g th e tw o q u es tio n s I
m en tio n ed . W hat em pow ers u s, fo r ex am ple , to sta y co n necte d to ou r
co m pass io n ate n atu re e v en u n der t h e w orst c ir c u m sta n ce s? I a m t h in kin g o f
p eo p le li k e Ett y H ille su m , w ho rem ain ed co m pass io n ate ev en w hile
s u bje c te d to t h e g ro te sq u e c o n dit io n s o f a G er m an c o n ce n tr a tio n c a m p. A s
sh e w ro te i n h er j o u rn al a t t h e t im e,
a m n ot e a sily f r ig h te n ed . N ot b ecau se I a m b ra v e bu t b ecau se I k n ow
th at I a m d ea li n g w it h h u m an b ein gs, a n d t h at I m ust t r y a s h ard a s I
c a n t o u n dersta n d e v ery th in g t h at a n yo n e ev er d oes . A nd t h at w as t h e
re a l im port o f th is m orn in g: n ot th at a d is g ru ntle d yo u n g G es ta p o
offi ce r yelle d at m e, bu t th at I fe lt no in dig n atio n , ra th er a re a l
co m pass io n , an d w ou ld hav e li k ed to ask , ‘D id yo u hav e a ver y
un hap py c h ild hood , h as y o u r g ir lf r ien d let y o u d ow n?’ Y es , h e lo oked
h ara ss e d an d d riv en , su lle n an d w ea k . I sh ou ld h av e li k ed to sta rt tr e atin g h im t h ere a n d t h en , f o r I k n ow t h at p it if u l y o u n g m en l i k e th at
a re d an gero u s a s s o on a s t h ey a re l et l o ose on m an kin d.
— Ett y H ille su m i n Ett y : A D ia ry 1 941– 1943
W hile s tu dyin g t h e f a cto rs t h at a ff ect o u r a b ili t y t o s ta y c o m pass io n ate , I
w as s tr u ck b y t h e c ru cia l r o le o f l a n gu ag e a n d o u r u se of w ord s. I h av e sin ce
id en ti ed a sp eci c ap pro ach to co m mun ic atin g— both sp ea k in g an d
li s te n in g— th at le a d s u s t o g iv e f r o m t h e heart, c o n nectin g u s w it h o u rs e lv es
an d w it h e a ch o th er i n a w ay t h at a llo w s o u r n atu ra l c o m pass io n t o ou ris h .
I c a ll t h is a p pro ach N on vio le n t C om mun ic atio n , u sin g t h e te rm non vio le n ce
a s G an dh i u se d i t — to r e fe r t o o u r n atu ra l s ta te o f c o m pass io n w hen v io len ce
h as s u bsid ed f r o m t h e h eart. W hile w e m ay n ot c o n sid er th e w ay w e t a lk t o
b e “v io le n t,” w ord s o en le a d to h u rt an d p ain , w het her fo r o th er s o r
o u rs e lv es. In s o m e c o m mun it ie s, th e pro ce ss I a m d esc rib in g is k n ow n a s
C om pass io n ate C om mun ic atio n ; th e ab bre v ia tio n N VC is u se d th ro u gh ou t
th is b o ok t o r e fe r t o N on vio le n t o r C om pass io n ate C om mun ic atio n .
N VC : a w ay o f c o m mun ic a tin g t h at l e a d s u s t o g iv e f r o m
th e h ea rt. A W ay t o F ocu s A tt e n tio n
N VC is f o u n ded o n la n gu ag e a n d c o m mun ic atio n s k ills t h at s tr en gth en o u r
ab ili t y to r e m ain h u m an , e v en u n der t r y in g c o n dit io n s. It c o n ta in s n oth in g
n ew ; a ll th at h as b een in te g ra te d in to N VC h as b een k n ow n fo r c en tu ries .
e in te n t is to re m in d u s a b ou t w hat w e alr e a d y k n ow — ab ou t h ow w e
hu m an s w ere m ean t t o r e la te t o o n e an oth er — an d t o a ss is t u s in li v in g in a
w ay t h at c o n cre te ly m an if e sts t h is k n ow le d ge.
N VC g u id es u s in r e fr a m in g h ow w e ex pres s o u rs e lv es a n d h ear o th er s.
In ste a d of hab it u al, au to m atic re a ctio n s, ou r w ord s beco m e co n sc io u s
re sp on se s b ase d rm ly o n a w aren ess o f w hat w e are per ce iv in g, f e eli n g, a n d
w an tin g. W e a re le d to e x p re ss o u rs e lv es w it h h on esty a n d cla rit y , w hile
s im ult a n eo u sly p ay in g o th ers a res pectfu l a n d em path ic a tt en tio n . In a n y
ex ch an ge, w e c o m e t o h ear o u r o w n d eep er n eed s a n d t h ose of o th er s. N VC
tr a in s u s to o b se rv e ca re fu lly , an d to b e ab le to sp ecif y b eh av io rs an d
co n dit io n s th at a re a ff ec tin g u s. W e le arn to id en tif y a n d c le arly a rtic u la te
w hat w e a re c o n cre te ly w an tin g in a n y g iv en s it u atio n . e fo rm is s im ple ,
y et p ow erfu lly t r a n sfo rm ativ e.
A s N VC re p la ce s ou r old patt er ns of defen din g, w it h dra w in g, or
att a ck in g in th e fa ce of ju dgm en t an d crit ic is m , w e co m e to per cei ve
o u rs e lv es a n d o th ers , a s w ell a s o u r in ten tio n s a n d r e la tio n sh ip s, in a n ew
li g h t. R esis ta n ce, d efe n siv en ess , a n d v io len t r e a ctio n s a re m in im iz e d . W hen
w e fo cu s o n c la rif y in g w hat is b ein g o b se rv ed , fe lt , a n d n eed ed r a th er t h an
o n d ia g n osin g a n d ju dgin g, w e d is c o ver t h e dep th o f o u r o w n c o m pass io n .
ro u gh it s e m ph asis o n d eep li s ten in g— to o u rs e lv es a s w ell a s t o o th er s—
N VC fo ste rs re sp ec t, a tt e n tiv en es s, a n d em path y a n d en gen der s a m utu al
d esir e t o g iv e f r o m t h e h eart.
W e p erc e iv e r e la tio n sh ip s in a n ew li g h t w hen w e u se
N VC t o h ea r o u r o w n d eep er n eed s a n d t h os e o f o th ers.
A lt h ou gh I r e fe r t o it a s “ a p ro ce ss o f c o m mun ic atio n” o r “ a la n gu ag e of
co m pass io n ,” N VC is m ore t h an a p ro ce ss o r a la n gu ag e. O n a d eep er le v el, it i s a n o n go in g r e m in der t o k eep o u r a tt en tio n f o cu se d o n a p la ce w her e w e
are m ore l i k ely t o g et w hat w e a re se ek in g.
ere is a s to ry o f a m an o n a ll fo u rs u n der a s tr e et la m p, s e arc h in g fo r
so m eth in g. A p oli c e m an p ass in g b y a sk ed w hat h e was d oin g. “ L ookin g fo r
m y c a r k ey s,” r e p li e d t h e m an , w ho a p p eare d s li g h tly d ru n k. “ D id y o u d ro p
th em h ere ?” in qu ir e d t h e o ffi ce r. “ N o,” a n sw ere d t h e m an , “ I d ro p p ed t h em
in t h e a lle y.” S eein g t h e p oli c e m an ’s b affl ed ex pres sio n , t h e m an h asten ed t o
e x p la in , “ B ut t h e l i g h t i s m uch b et ter h er e.”
I n d t h at m y c u lt u ra l c o n dit io n in g l e a d s m e to f o cu s a tt en tio n o n p la ces
w here I a m u n li k ely t o g et w hat I w an t. I d ev elo p ed N VC a s a w ay t o t r a in
m y a tt e n tio n — to s h in e th e li g h t o f c o n sc io u sn ess — on p la ces th at h av e th e
p ote n tia l t o y ie ld w hat I a m s e ek in g. W hat I w an t i n m y l i f e is c o m pass io n , a
ow b etw een m yse lf a n d o th ers b ase d o n a m utu al g iv in g f r o m t h e heart.
L et’s s h in e t h e l i g h t o f c o n sc io u sn ess o n p la ce s w here w e
ca n h op e t o fi nd w hat w e a re s e ek in g.
is q u ali t y o f c o m pass io n , w hic h I r ef er t o a s “ g iv in g f r o m t h e heart,” i s
e x p re ss e d i n t h e f o llo w in g l y ric s b y m y f r ien d R uth B eb er m ey er:
I n ev er f e el m ore giv en t o
t h an w hen y o u t a ke fr o m m e—
when y o u u n dersta n d t h e jo y I f e el g iv in g t o y o u .
A nd y o u k n ow m y g iv in g i s n ’t d on e to p u t y o u i n m y d eb t,
b u t b eca u se I w an t t o l i v e th e lo ve I f e el f o r y o u .
To r e ce iv e w it h g ra ce
m ay b e th e gre a te st g iv in g.
ere’s n o w ay I c a n s e p ara te th e tw o.
W hen y o u g iv e to m e,
I g iv e yo u m y r e ce iv in g.
W hen y o u t a ke fr o m m e, I f e el s o g iv en t o .
— “G iv en T o” ( 1 978) b y R uth B eb erm ey er f r o m t h e a lb u m Giv en T o
W hen w e g iv e f r o m t h e h eart, w e do s o o u t o f t h e jo y t h at s p rin gs f o rth
w hen ev er w e w illi n gly en ric h an oth er p er so n’s li f e . is k in d o f giv in g ben e ts b oth t h e g iv er a n d t h e r e ce iv er . e re ce iv er en jo ys t h e gi w it h ou t
w orr y in g a b ou t th e c o n se q u en ces th at a cco m pan y g i s g iv en o u t o f fe ar,
g u ilt , s h am e, o r d esir e fo r g ain . e giv er b en ets fr o m th e en han ce d s e lf -
e ste em t h at r e su lt s w hen w e s e e o u r eff orts c o n tr ib u tin g to s o m eo n e’s w ell-
b ein g.
e u se o f N VC d oes n ot re q u ir e th at th e per so n s w it h w hom w e are
c o m mun ic atin g be li t e ra te in N VC or ev en m otiv ate d to re la te to us
co m pass io n ate ly . I f w e s ta y w it h t h e prin cip les o f N VC, s ta y m otiv ate d s o le ly
t o g iv e a n d r e ce iv e c o m pass io n ate ly , a n d d o e v er yth in g w e ca n t o let o th er s
kn ow t h is i s o u r o n ly m otiv e, t h ey w ill j o in u s i n t h e pro ce ss , a n d e v en tu ally
w e w ill b e a b le to r e sp on d c o m pass io n ate ly to o n e a n oth er . I’m n ot s a y in g
th at th is a lw ay s h ap p en s q u ic k ly . I d o m ain ta in , h ow ev er , th at c o m pass io n
in ev it a b ly b lo ss o m s w hen w e s ta y t r u e t o t h e prin cip les a n d p ro ces s o f N VC. e N VC P ro ce ss
T o a rriv e a t a m utu al d esir e to g iv e fr o m th e heart, w e fo cu s th e li g h t o f
co n sc io u sn ess o n fo u r are a s— ref er re d to as th e fo u r co m pon en ts o f th e
N VC m od el.
F ir st, w e o b se rv e w hat is a ctu ally h ap p en in g in a s it u atio n : w hat a re we
ob se rv in g o th ers s a y in g o r d oin g th at is e it h er e n ric h in g o r n ot en ric h in g
ou r li f e ? e tr ic k is to be ab le to artic u la te th is ob ser vatio n w it h ou t
in tr o du cin g an y ju dgm en t o r ev alu atio n — to sim ply sa y w hat p eo p le are
d oin g th at w e e it h er li k e o r d on’t li k e. N ex t, w e sta te h ow w e fe el w hen w e
ob se rv e th is actio n : are w e h u rt, sc a re d , jo yfu l, am use d , ir rit a te d ? A nd
th ir d ly , w e sa y w hat n eed s o f o u rs a re co n necte d to th e fe eli n gs w e hav e
id en ti ed . A n a w are n ess o f t h ese t h re e co m pon en ts is p res en t w hen w e use
N VC t o c le arly a n d h on estly e x p res s h ow w e are .
F ou r c o m pon en ts o f N VC :
1. o b se r v atio n s
2. f e eli n gs
3 . n eed s
4. r e q u ests
F or e x am ple , a m oth er m ig h t e x p res s th es e th re e pie ce s to h er te en ag e
so n b y s a y in g, “ F eli x , w hen I s e e tw o b alls o f s o ile d s o ck s u n der th e co ff ee
ta b le a n d a n oth er t h re e n ex t t o t h e TV, I f e el ir rit a te d b ecau se I a m n eed in g
m ore o rd er i n t h e r o om s t h at w e sh are in c o m mon .”
S h e w ou ld fo llo w im med ia te ly w it h th e fo u rth co m pon en t— a ver y
sp eci c r e q u est: “ W ou ld y o u b e w illi n g t o p u t y o u r s o ck s i n y o u r r o om o r i n
t h e w ash in g m ach in e?” is fo u rth co m pon en t ad dres ses w hat w e are
w an tin g f r o m t h e o th er p ers o n t h at w ou ld e n ric h o u r l i v es o r m ak e li f e m ore
w on derfu l f o r u s.
us, p art o f N VC is to e x p re ss th es e fo u r p ie ce s o f in fo rm atio n v er y
cle arly , w heth er verb ally or by oth er m ean s. e oth er part of th is
c o m mun ic atio n c o n sis ts o f re cei vin g th e sa m e fo u r p ie ce s o f in fo rm atio n
fr o m o th ers . W e c o n nec t w it h t h em b y rst s en sin g w hat t h ey a re ob ser vin g, fe eli n g, a n d n eed in g; th en w e d is c o ver w hat w ou ld en ric h th ei r li v es b y
re ce iv in g t h e f o u rth p ie ce — th eir r e q u es t.
A s w e k eep o u r att e n tio n fo cu se d o n th e are a s m en tio n ed , an d h elp
o th ers d o li k ew is e , w e e sta b li s h a ow o f c o m mun ic atio n , b ack a n d fo rth ,
until co m pass io n m an if e sts n atu ra lly : w hat I am o b ser vin g, fe eli n g, an d
need in g; w hat I a m re q u estin g to e n ric h m y li f e; w hat y o u a re ob ser vin g,
fe eli n g, a n d n eed in g; w hat y o u a re re q u es tin g t o en ric h y o u r l i f e …
N VC P ro ce ss
e c o n cre te a ctio n s w e o b se rv e t h at a ff ect o u r w ell- b ein g
H ow w e fe el i n r e la tio n t o w hat w e o b se r v e
e n eed s, v a lu es, d esir e s, e tc . t h at c re a te o u r f e eli n gs
e c o n cre te a ctio n s w e re q u est i n o rd er t o e n ric h o u r l i v es
W hen w e u se t h is p ro ce ss , w e m ay b eg in ei th er b y ex pres sin g o u rs e lv es o r b y
em path ic a lly re ce iv in g th ese fo u r pie ce s of in fo rm atio n fr o m oth er s.
A lt h ou gh w e w ill le arn to li s te n fo r an d ver bally ex pres s ea ch o f th es e
co m pon en ts in C hap te rs 3 – 6, it is im porta n t to k eep in m in d th at N VC is
n ot a s e t f o rm ula , b u t s o m eth in g t h at a d ap ts t o v ario u s s it u atio n s a s w ell a s
p ers o n al an d cu lt u ra l sty le s. W hile I co n ven ien tly ref er to N VC as a
“p ro ce ss” o r “la n gu ag e,” it is p oss ib le to e x p er ien ce a ll fo u r p ie ces o f th e
pro ce ss w it h ou t u tt e rin g a sin gle word . e ess e n ce of N VC is in ou r
co n sc io u sn ess o f th e fo u r co m pon en ts , n ot in th e actu al w ord s th at are
e x ch an ged .
T w o p arts o f N VC :
1. e x p re ssin g h on estly t h ro u gh t he f o u r c o m pon en ts
2. r e ce iv in g e m path ic a lly t h ro u gh t h e f o u r c o m pon en ts W
App ly in g N VC i n O ur L iv es a n d t h e W orld
W hen w e use N VC in ou r in ter actio n s— wit h ou rs e lv es , w it h an oth er
p ers o n , or in a gro u p — we beco m e gro u n ded in ou r natu ra l sta te of
co m pass io n . I t is t h ere fo re a n a p pro ach t h at c a n b e eff ectiv ely a p p li e d a t a ll
le v els o f c o m mun ic atio n a n d i n d iv er se sit u atio n s:
in tim ate r e la tio n sh ip s
fa m ili e s
sc h ools
o rg an iz atio n s a n d i n stit u tio n s
th era p y a n d c o u n se li n g r e la tio n sh ip s
d ip lo m atic a n d b u sin ess n eg o tia tio n s
dis p u te s a n d c o n ic ts o f a n y n atu re
S o m e p eo p le u se N VC to cre ate gre ate r d ep th an d ca rin g in th ei r
in tim ate r e la tio n sh ip s:
h en I l e arn ed h ow I c a n r e ce iv e ( h ear), a s w ell a s g iv e (ex pres s),
th ro u gh usin g N VC, I w en t bey o n d fe eli n g att a ck ed an d
‘d oorm att is h ’ to re a lly li s te n in g to word s an d ex tr a ctin g th ei r
un derly in g fe eli n gs. I d is c o vere d a v er y h u rtin g m an to w hom I h ad
b een m arrie d f o r t w en ty -e ig h t y ears . H e had a sk ed m e f o r a d iv o rc e th e
w eek en d b efo re th e [ N VC] w ork sh op. T o m ak e a lo n g s to ry s h ort, w e
are h ere t o d ay — to geth er, a n d I a p pre cia te t h e co n tr ib u tio n [ N VC h as]
m ad e t o o u r h ap py e n din g… . I le arn ed t o li s ten f o r f e eli n gs, t o ex pres s
m y n eed s, t o a cce p t a n sw ers t h at I d id n’t a lw ay s w an t t o h ear. H e is n ot
h ere t o m ak e m e h ap py, n or a m I h er e to c re ate h ap pin es s f o r h im . W e
hav e b oth l e arn ed t o g ro w , t o a cce p t, a n d t o l o ve, s o t h at w e ca n e a ch b e
fu l lle d .
— a w ork sh op p artic ip an t i n S an D ie g o , C ali f o rn ia
O th ers u se i t t o b u ild m ore e ff ectiv e re la tio n sh ip s a t w ork :
I h av e b een u sin g N VC in m y sp ecia l e d u catio n c la ss ro om fo r a b ou t
on e y ear. It c a n w ork e v en w it h c h ild ren w ho h av e la n gu ag e d ela y s, I
le arn in g diffi cu lt ie s, an d beh av io r pro blem s. O ne stu den t in ou r
cla ss ro om s p it s , s w ears , s c re am s, a n d s ta b s o th er s tu den ts w it h p en cils
w hen th ey g et n ear h is d esk . I c u e him w it h , ‘P le a se sa y th at a n oth er
w ay. U se y o u r g ir a ff e t a lk .’ [ G ir a ff e pu pp et s a re use d i n s o m e w ork sh op s
as a te a ch in g aid to d em on str a te NVC.] H e im med ia te ly sta n ds u p
str a ig h t, lo oks a t th e p ers o n to w ard w hom h is a n ger is d ir e cte d , a n d
sa y s c a lm ly , ‘W ou ld y o u p le a se m ove aw ay f r o m m y d es k? I fe el a n gry
w hen y o u s ta n d s o c lo se t o m e.’ e oth er s tu den ts m ig h t r es pon d w it h
s o m eth in g l i k e, ‘S o rr y ! I f o rg o t i t b oth er s y o u .’
I b eg an to th in k a b ou t m y fr u str a tio n w it h th is c h ild a n d to tr y to
d is c o ver w hat I n eed ed fr o m h im (b es id es h arm on y an d o rd er ). I
re a li z e d h ow m uch tim e I h ad p u t in to le ss o n p la n nin g a n d h ow m y
need s fo r cre ativ it y an d co n tr ib u tio n w er e bei ng sh ort- c ir c u it e d in
o rd er t o m an ag e b eh av io r. A ls o , I f e lt I w as n ot m eetin g t h e ed u catio n al
n eed s o f t h e o th er s tu den ts . W hen h e w as a ctin g o u t i n c la ss , I b eg an t o
s a y, ‘I n eed y o u to s h are m y a tt e n tio n .’ It m ig h t t a k e a h u n dre d c u es a
d ay, b u t h e g o t th e m ess a g e an d w ou ld u su ally g et in vo lv ed in th e
le ss o n .
— a t e a ch er i n C hic a g o , I lli n ois
A d octo r w rit e s:
u se N VC m ore a n d m ore in m y m ed ic a l p ra ctic e. S o m e p atien ts a sk
m e w heth er I a m a p sy ch olo gis t, s a y in g t h at u su ally t h ei r d octo rs a re
n ot i n te re ste d i n t h e w ay t h ey l i v e th ei r l i v es o r d ea l w it h t h ei r d is e a ses .
NVC h elp s m e u n dersta n d w hat p atien ts ’ n eed s a re an d w hat t h ey n eed
to h ear a t a g iv en m om en t. I n d t h is p artic u la rly h elp fu l i n r e la tin g t o
p atie n ts w it h h em op h ili a a n d A ID S b ecau se th er e is s o m uch a n ger a n d
pain t h at t h e p atie n t/ h ea lt h c a re- pro vid er r e la tio n sh ip i s o en s er io u sly
i m pair e d . R ece n tly a w om an w it h A ID S, w hom I h av e been t r e atin g f o r
th e p ast ve y ears , t o ld m e t h at w hat h as h elp ed h er t h e m ost h av e been
m y a tt e m pts t o n d w ay s f o r h er t o e n jo y h er d aily li f e . M y u se of N VC
help s m e a lo t in th is re sp ec t. O en in th e past, w hen I k n ew th at a
p atie n t h ad a f a ta l d is e a se , I m yse lf w ou ld g et c au gh t in t h e pro gn osis ,
a n d it w as h ard fo r m e to s in ce re ly e n co u ra g e th em to li v e th ei r li v es .
W it h N VC, I h av e d ev elo p ed a n ew c o n sc io u sn ess a s w ell a s a n ew la n gu ag e. I a m a m aze d to se e h ow m uch it ts in w it h m y m ed ic a l
p ra ctic e. I fe el m ore en erg y an d jo y in m y w ork as I beco m e
in cre a sin gly e n gag ed i n t h e d an ce of N VC.
— a p hysic ia n i n P aris , F ra n ce
S till o th ers u se th is p ro ce ss in th e poli t ic a l aren a. A F ren ch ca b in et
m em ber vis it in g h er sis te r re m ark ed h ow d iff er en tly th e sis ter an d h er
hu sb an d w ere c o m mun ic atin g a n d r es pon din g t o e a ch o th er . E nco u ra g ed b y
th eir desc rip tio n s of N VC, sh e men tio n ed th at sh e was sc h ed u le d th e
fo llo w in g w eek to neg o tia te so m e sen sit iv e is su es bet ween Fra n ce an d
A lg eria re g ard in g ad op tio n pro ce d u res . ou gh tim e was li m it e d , w e
dis p atc h ed a F re n ch -s p ea k in g tr a in er to P aris to w ork w it h th e ca b in et
m in is te r. e m in is te r la te r att r ib u te d m uch of th e su cces s of her
n eg o tia tio n s i n A lg eria t o h er n ew ly a cq u ir e d c o m mun ic atio n t e ch n iq u es .
In J e ru sa le m , d u rin g a w ork sh op a tt en ded b y I s r a eli s o f v ary in g p oli t ic a l
p ersu asio n s, p artic ip an ts u se d N VC to ex pres s th em se lv es reg ard in g th e
h ig h ly c o n te ste d is su e o f th e W est B an k. M an y o f th e Is r a eli set tler s w ho
h av e e sta b li s h ed t h em se lv es o n t h e W est B an k b eli e v e th at t h ey a re fu l lli n g
a re li g io u s m an date b y d oin g s o , a n d th ey a re lo ck ed in c o n ic t n ot o n ly
w it h P ale stin ia n s b u t a ls o w it h o th er I s r a eli s w ho r e co gn iz e t h e Pales tin ia n
h op e fo r n atio n al so vere ig n ty in th e reg io n . D urin g a ses sio n , o n e of m y
tr a in ers a n d I m od ele d e m path ic h earin g th ro u gh N VC a n d th en in vit e d
p artic ip an ts to ta k e tu rn s ro le -p la y in g e a ch o th er ’s p osit io n . A er tw en ty
m in ute s, a se tt le r an nou n ce d th at sh e wou ld be willi n g to co n sid er
re li n qu is h in g her la n d cla im s an d m ovin g ou t of th e West B an k in to
in te rn atio n ally r e co gn iz e d Is r a eli ter rit o ry if h er p oli t ic a l o p p on en ts c o u ld
li s te n t o h er i n t h e w ay s h e h ad j u st b een l i s ten ed t o .
W orld w id e, N VC n ow se rv es a s a v alu ab le res ou rc e fo r c o m mun it ies
f a cin g v io le n t c o n ic ts a n d s e v ere et hn ic , r e li g io u s, o r p oli t ic a l t en sio n s. e
sp re a d o f N VC tr a in in g a n d it s u se in m ed ia tio n b y p eo p le in c o n ic t in
I s r a el, th e Pale stin ia n Auth orit y , N ig eria , Rw an da, Sier ra Leo n e, an d
els e w here hav e been a so u rc e of partic u la r gra ti catio n fo r m e. M y
ass o cia te s a n d I w ere o n ce i n B elg ra d e f o r t h re e hig h ly c h arg ed d ay s t r a in in g
cit iz e n s w ork in g fo r p ea ce. W hen w e rst a rriv ed , e x p res sio n s o f d es pair
w ere vis ib ly etc h ed on th e tr a in ees ’ fa ces , fo r th ei r co u ntr y w as th en
en m esh ed i n a b ru ta l w ar i n B osn ia a n d C ro atia . A s t h e tr a in in g p ro gres se d , we h eard th e r in g o f la u gh te r in th ei r v o ic e s a s th ey s h are d th ei r p ro fo u n d
gra tit u de a n d jo y fo r h av in g fo u n d th e em pow er m en t th ey w er e se ek in g.
O ver t h e n ex t tw o w eek s, d u rin g t r a in in gs in C ro atia , I s r a el, a n d P ales tin e,
w e a g ain s a w d esp era te c it iz e n s in w ar- to rn c o u ntr ies r eg ain in g t h ei r s p ir it s
a n d c o n den ce f r o m t h e N VC t r a in in g t h ey r e ce iv ed .
I f e el b le ss e d t o b e a b le t o t r a v el t h ro u gh ou t t h e world t e a ch in g p eo p le a
pro ce ss o f c o m mun ic atio n th at g iv es th em p ow er a n d jo y. N ow , w it h th is
b o ok, I a m p le a se d a n d e x cit e d t o b e ab le to s h are th e ric h n es s o f N on vio len t
Com mun ic atio n w it h y o u . Su m mary
N VC h elp s u s c o n nec t w it h e a ch o th er a n d o u rs e lv es in a w ay th at a llo w s
ou r n atu ra l co m pass io n to ou ris h . It g u id es u s to ref ra m e th e way w e
ex p re ss o u rs e lv es a n d li s te n t o o th er s b y f o cu sin g o u r c o n sc io u sn es s o n f o u r
are a s: w hat w e are ob se rv in g, fe eli n g, an d need in g, an d w hat w e are
r e q u estin g to en ric h o u r li v es. N VC fo ster s d eep li s ten in g, res pect, an d
em path y a n d e n gen ders a m utu al d esir e to g iv e fr o m t h e heart. S o m e peo p le
u se N VC to r e sp on d c o m pass io n ate ly to t h em se lv es , s o m e to c re ate gre ater
d ep th in th eir p ers o n al re la tio n sh ip s, an d still oth er s to bu ild eff ectiv e
re la tio n sh ip s a t w ork o r in th e p oli t ic a l a ren a. W orld w id e, N VC is u se d to
m ed ia te d is p u te s a n d c o n ic ts a t a ll l e v els .
N VC i n A ctio n
In te rsp erse d th ro u gh ou t th e book a re dia lo gu es e n tit le d N VC in A ctio n .
ese dia lo gu es in te n d to im part th e flavo r o f a n a ctu al ex ch an ge in
w hic h a s p ea ker i s a pp ly in g t h e prin cip le s o f N on vio le n t C om munic a tio n .
H ow ev er, N VC is n ot s im ply a la n gu age or a s e t o f te ch n iq u es fo r u sin g
w ord s; th e co n sc io u sn ess a n d in te n t th at it e m bra ce s m ay b e ex p re ss e d
th ro u gh sile n ce , a qu ali t y of pre se n ce , as well as th ro u gh fa cia l
ex p re ssio n s a n d b od y la n gu age. e N VC i n A ctio n d ia lo gu es y o u w ill b e
re a d in g are nece ss a rily dis tille d an d ab rid ged versio n s of re a l- li f e
e x ch an ges, w here mom en ts o f sile n t em path y, sto rie s, h u m or, g estu re s,
a n d m ore wou ld a ll co n tr ib u te to a m ore natu ra l fl ow o f co n n ectio n
b etw ee n th e tw o p artie s th an m ig h t b e app are n t w hen d ia lo gu es a re
c o n den se d i n p rin t.
“ M urd ere r, A ss a ssin , C hild -K ille r!”
I w as p re se n tin g N on vio le n t C om mun ic atio n t o a b ou t 1 70 P ales tin ia n
M usli m m en in a m osq u e a t D hei sh eh R ef ugee C am p in B et hle h em .
Att it u des to w ard A m eric a n s a t th at tim e wer e not fa v o ra b le . A s I w as
sp ea k in g, I s u dden ly n otic e d a w av e of m uffl ed c o m motio n utt er in g
th ro u gh t h e a u die n ce. “ ey ’r e w his p er in g t h at y o u a re A m eric a n !” m y tr a n sla to r a le rte d m e, ju st a s a g en tlem an in th e au dien ce le ap t to h is
f e et. Facin g m e sq u are ly , he holler ed at th e to p of his lu n gs,
“ M urd ere r!” Im med ia te ly a d ozen o th er v o ic e s jo in ed h im in c h oru s:
“A ss a ss in !” “ C hild -k ille r!” “ M urd er er !”
F ortu n ate ly , I w as a b le to fo cu s m y a tt en tio n o n w hat th e m an w as
fe eli n g a n d n eed in g. I n t h is c a se , I h ad s o m e c u es . O n t h e w ay i n to t h e
re fu gee c a m p, I h ad s e en s e v era l em pty t e ar g as c a n is ter s t h at h ad b een
sh ot in to th e c a m p th e n ig h t b efo re . C le arly m ark ed o n e a ch c a n is ter
w ere t h e w ord s M ad e in U .S .A . I k n ew t h at t h e r e fu gees h arb ore d a lo t
of an ger to w ard th e U nit e d S ta tes fo r su pp ly in g te ar g as an d o th er
w eap on s t o I s r a el.
I a d dre ss e d t h e m an w ho h ad c a lle d m e a m urd er er :
M BR : A re y o u a n gry b ecau se y o u w ou ld li k e m y g o ver nm en t t o u se it s
r e so u rc e s d iff ere n tly ? (I d id n’t k n ow w heth er m y g u ess w as c o rre ct
— what w as crit ic a l w as m y sin ce re eff ort to co n n ect w it h h is
fe eli n g a n d n eed .)
M an : D am n rig h t I’m a n gry ! Y ou th in k w e need te ar g as? W e need
se w ers , n ot y o u r t e ar g as! W e n eed h ou sin g! W e need t o h av e ou r
ow n c o u ntr y !
M BR : So yo u ’r e fu rio u s an d w ou ld ap pre cia te so m e su pp ort in
i m pro vin g yo u r li v in g co n dit io n s an d gain in g poli t ic a l
in dep en den ce ?
M an : D o y o u k n ow w hat i t ’s l i k e t o l i v e her e fo r t w en ty -s e v en y ears t h e
w ay I h av e w it h m y fa m ily — ch ild ren a n d a ll? H av e yo u g o t th e
fa in te st i d ea w hat t h at’s b een l i k e f o r u s?
M BR : S o u n ds li k e y o u ’r e fe eli n g v er y d esp er ate a n d y o u ’r e won der in g
w heth er I o r a n yb o d y e ls e c a n r e a lly u n dersta n d w hat it ’s li k e t o
b e l i v in g u n der t h ese c o n dit io n s. A m I h earin g y o u r ig h t?
M an : Y ou w an t t o u n dersta n d? T ell m e, d o y o u h av e ch ild ren ? D o t h ey
g o to sc h ool? D o th ey h av e p la y g ro u n ds? M y so n is sic k ! H e
pla y s in o p en se w ag e! H is c la ss ro om h as n o b o oks! H av e yo u
se en a s c h ool t h at h as n o b o oks?
M BR : I h ear h ow p ain fu l it i s f o r y o u t o r a is e yo u r c h ild ren h er e; y o u ’d
l i k e m e t o k n ow t h at w hat y o u w an t is w hat a ll p aren ts w an t f o r th eir c h ild re n — a g o od e d u catio n , o p p ortu n it y t o p la y a n d g ro w
in a h ea lt h y e n vir o n m en t …
M an : at’s rig h t, th e basic s! H um an rig h ts — is n ’t th at w hat yo u
A m eric a n s c a ll it ? W hy d on’t m ore of y o u c o m e her e an d se e
w hat k in d o f h u m an r ig h ts y o u ’r e brin gin g h er e!
M BR : Y ou ’d li k e m ore A m eric a n s to b e aw are of th e en orm it y o f th e
su ff erin g h ere a n d to lo ok m ore deep ly a t th e co n se q u en ce s o f
o u r p oli t ic a l a ctio n s?
O ur d ia lo gu e co n tin u ed , w it h h im ex p res sin g h is p ain fo r n early
t w en ty m ore m in ute s, a n d m e l i s ten in g f o r t h e fe eli n g a n d n eed b eh in d
ea ch s ta te m en t. I d id n’t a g re e o r d is a g re e. I r e ce iv ed h is w ord s, n ot a s
att a ck s, b u t a s g i s f r o m a fe llo w h u m an w illi n g to s h are his s o u l a n d
deep v u ln era b ili t ie s w it h m e.
O nce t h e g en tle m an f e lt u n dersto od , h e was a b le to h ear m e e x p la in
m y p u rp ose fo r b ein g a t th e c a m p. A n h ou r la te r, th e sa m e m an w ho
h ad c a lle d m e a m urd ere r w as in vit in g m e to h is h om e f o r a R am ad an
d in ner. I
2
Com munic a tio n at B lo ck s C om pa ssio n
D o n ot j u dge, a n d y o u w ill n ot b e j u dged . F or a s y o u j u dge oth ers, s o y o u w ill
y o u rse lv es b e ju dged …
— Holy B ib le , M att h ew 7 :1
n s tu dyin g th e q u estio n o f w hat a li en ates u s fr o m o u r n atu ra l I s ta te of
co m pass io n , I hav e id en ti ed sp eci c fo rm s of la n gu ag e an d
co m mun ic atio n th at I b eli e v e c o n tr ib u te to o u r b eh av in g v io len tly to w ard
e a ch o th er a n d o u rs e lv es. I u se th e ter m li f e- ali e n atin g co m munic a tio n to
r e fe r t o t h ese f o rm s o f c o m mun ic atio n .
C erta in w ay s o f co m mun ic a tin g a li e n ate u s fr o m o u r
n atu ra l s ta te o f c o m passio n . Mora li s tic J u dgm en ts
O ne k in d o f l i f e -a li e n atin g c o m mun ic atio n i s t h e use of m ora li s tic j u dgm en ts
t h at im ply w ro n gn ess o r b ad n ess o n th e part o f p eo p le who d on’t a ct in
h arm on y w it h o u r v alu es. S u ch ju dgm en ts a re re ecte d in la n gu ag e: “ e
pro ble m w it h y o u i s t h at y o u ’r e t o o s e l sh .” “ S h e’s l a zy.” “ ey ’r e prej udic e d .”
“ It’s in ap pro p ria te .” Bla m e, in su lt s , pu t- d ow ns, la b els , crit ic is m ,
co m paris o n s, a n d d ia g n ose s a re a ll f o rm s o f j u dgm en t.
e S u p oet R um i o n ce w ro te , “ O ut b ey o n d id ea s o f w ro n gd oin g a n d
rig h t- d oin g, th ere is a eld . I’l l meet yo u th er e.” Lif e- ali en atin g
co m mun ic atio n , h ow ev er, tr a p s u s in a w orld o f id ea s a b ou t r ig h tn es s a n d
w ro n gn ess — a w orld o f ju dgm en ts . It is a la n gu ag e ric h w it h w ord s th at
cla ss if y an d d ic h oto m iz e p eo p le an d th ei r actio n s. W hen w e sp ea k th is
la n gu ag e, w e ju dge o th ers a n d t h ei r b eh av io r w hile p re o cc u pyin g o u rs e lv es
w it h w ho’s g o od , b ad , n orm al, a b n orm al, r es pon sib le , ir res pon sib le , s m art,
ig n ora n t, e tc .
In t h e w orld o f j u dgm en ts , o u r c o n ce rn c e n te rs o n “ w ho
is w hat.”
L on g befo re I re a ch ed ad u lt h ood , I le arn ed to co m mun ic ate in an
im pers o n al w ay t h at d id n ot r e q u ir e m e t o r e v ea l w hat w as g o in g o n in sid e
m yse lf . W hen I e n co u nte re d p eo p le or b eh av io rs I ei th er d id n’t l i k e or d id n’t
u n dersta n d, I w ou ld re a ct in ter m s of th ei r w ro n gn es s. If m y te a ch er s
ass ig n ed a ta sk I d id n’t w an t to d o, th ey w er e “m ean ” o r “ u n re a so n ab le .” If
s o m eo n e p u lle d o u t in fr o n t o f m e in tr a ffi c, m y re a ctio n w ou ld b e, “ Y ou
id io t!” W hen w e s p ea k t h is l a n gu ag e, w e t h in k a n d c o m mun ic ate in t er m s o f
w hat’s w ro n g w it h o th ers fo r b eh av in g in ce rta in w ay s o r, o cc a sio n ally ,
w hat’s w ro n g w it h o u rs e lv es fo r n ot u n dersta n din g o r res pon din g as w e
wou ld li k e. O ur att e n tio n is fo cu se d on cla ss if y in g, an aly zin g, an d
dete rm in in g le v els o f w ro n gn ess r a th er th an o n w hat w e a n d o th er s n eed
a n d a re n ot g ett in g. us i f m y p artn er w an ts m ore aff ectio n t h an I ’m g iv in g
her, s h e is “ n eed y a n d d ep en den t.” B ut if I w an t m ore aff ectio n th an s h e is
g iv in g m e, th en sh e is “a lo of an d in sen sit iv e.” If m y co lle a g u e is m ore co n ce rn ed a b ou t d eta ils th an I a m , h e is “p ic k y a n d c o m pu ls iv e.” O n th e
oth er h an d, if I a m m ore c o n ce rn ed a b ou t d et ails th an h e is , h e is “ s lo p py
an d d is o rg an iz e d .”
A naly se s o f o th ers a re a ctu ally e x p re ssio n s o f o u r o w n
need s a n d v a lu es.
It is m y b eli e f th at a ll su ch a n aly ses o f o th er h u m an b ei ngs a re tr a g ic
e x p re ss io n s o f o u r o w n v alu es a n d n eed s. ey a re tr a g ic b ecau se when w e
ex p re ss o u r v alu es a n d n eed s in th is fo rm , w e in cre a se def en siv en ess a n d
re sis ta n ce a m on g t h e v ery p eo p le whose beh av io rs a re of c o n ce rn t o u s. O r,
if p eo p le d o a g re e to a ct in h arm on y w it h o u r v alu es , t h ey w ill li k ely d o s o
o u t o f fe ar, g u ilt , o r s h am e b ecau se th ey c o n cu r w it h o u r a n aly sis o f th ei r
wro n gn ess .
W e a ll p ay d early w hen p eo p le r es pon d t o o u r v alu es a n d n eed s n ot o u t
of a d esir e t o g iv e f r o m t h e h eart, b u t o u t o f f e ar, g u ilt , o r s h am e. S o on er o r
la te r, w e w ill e x p erie n ce th e c o n se q u en ce s o f d im in is h ed g o od w ill o n th e
part o f t h ose w ho c o m ply w it h o u r v alu es o u t o f a s en se of e it h er ex ter nal o r
in te rn al co erc io n . ey, to o, p ay em otio n ally , fo r th ey are li k ely to fe el
re se n tm en t a n d d ecre a se d s e lf - es te em w hen th ey r es pon d to u s o u t o f fe ar,
g u ilt , o r s h am e. F u rth erm ore , e a ch tim e oth er s a ss o cia te u s in th ei r m in ds
w it h an y of th ose fe eli n gs, th e li k eli h ood of th ei r res pon din g
co m pass io n ate ly t o o u r n eed s a n d v alu es i n t h e fu tu re decre a ses .
It is im porta n t h ere n ot to co n fu se v a lu e ju dgm en ts an d m ora li s tic
ju dgm en ts . A ll o f u s m ak e v a lu e ju dgm en ts a s t o t h e q u ali t ie s w e v alu e i n l i f e;
fo r e x am ple , w e m ig h t v alu e h on es ty , fr e ed om , o r p ea ce. V alu e ju dgm en ts
r e ec t ou r beli e fs of h ow li f e ca n bes t be ser ved . W e m ak e m ora li s tic
ju dgm en ts o f p eo p le a n d b eh av io rs t h at f a il t o s u pp ort o u r v alu e ju dgm en ts ;
fo r e x am ple , “ V io le n ce is b ad . P eo p le who k ill o th er s a re ev il.” H ad w e been
ra is e d s p ea k in g a la n gu ag e t h at f a cili t a te d t h e ex pres sio n o f c o m pass io n , w e
wou ld h av e l e arn ed t o a rtic u la te o u r n eed s a n d v alu es d ir e ctly , r a th er t h an t o
in sin u ate w ro n gn ess w hen t h ey h av e not b een m et. F or ex am ple , in ste a d o f
“V io le n ce is b ad ,” w e m ig h t s a y in ste a d , “ I a m fe arfu l o f t h e use of v io len ce
to r e so lv e c o n ic ts ; I v alu e t h e r es olu tio n o f h u m an c o n ic ts t h ro u gh o th er
m ean s.” e re la tio n sh ip betw een la n gu ag e an d vio len ce is th e su bje ct of
p sy ch olo gy p ro fe ss o r O .J . H arv ey ’s res earc h a t th e Univ er sit y o f C olo ra d o.
H e t o ok r a n dom s a m ple s o f p ie ce s o f l i t er atu re fr o m m an y c o u ntr ies a ro u n d
th e w orld an d ta b u la te d th e fr e q u en cy o f w ord s th at cla ss if y an d ju dge
p eo p le . H is stu dy sh ow s a h ig h c o rre la tio n b et ween fr e q u en t u se of su ch
w ord s a n d f r e q u en cy o f i n cid en ts . I t d oes n ot s u rp ris e m e t o h ear t h at t h er e
is co n sid era b ly le ss v io le n ce in cu lt u res w her e peo p le th in k in ter m s o f
h u m an n eed s t h an in c u lt u re s w her e peo p le la b el o n e a n oth er a s “ g o od” o r
“b ad ” a n d b eli e v e t h at t h e “ b ad ” o n es d es er ve to b e pu n is h ed . I n 7 5 p er cen t
of t h e t e le v is io n p ro gra m s s h ow n d u rin g h ou rs w hen A m eric a n c h ild ren a re
m ost li k ely to b e w atc h in g, th e her o eit h er k ills p eo p le o r b eats th em u p.
is v io le n ce t y p ic a lly c o n stit u te s t h e “c li m ax ” o f t h e sh ow . V ie w er s, h av in g
been t a u gh t t h at b ad g u ys d ese rv e to b e pu n is h ed , t a k e ple a su re in w atc h in g
th is v io le n ce.
C la ssif y in g a n d j u dgin g p eo p le p ro m ote s v io le n ce .
A t t h e r o ot o f m uch , if n ot a ll, v io len ce — whet her v er bal, p sy ch olo gic a l,
o r p hysic a l, w heth er a m on g f a m ily m em ber s, t r ib es , o r n atio n s— is a k in d o f
th in kin g th at att r ib u te s th e cau se of co n ic t to w ro n gn es s in on e’s
a d vers a rie s, a n d a c o rre sp on din g in ab ili t y to th in k o f o n es elf o r o th er s in
t e rm s o f v u ln era b ili t y — th at is , w hat o n e m ig h t b e fe eli n g, f e arin g, y earn in g
fo r, m is s in g, e tc . W e s a w th is d an gero u s w ay o f th in kin g d u rin g th e Cold
W ar. O ur le a d ers v ie w ed t h e U .S .S .R . a s a n “ e v il em pir e ” b en t o n d es tr o yin g
th e A m eric a n w ay o f li f e . S o vie t le a d ers r ef er re d t o t h e peo p le of t h e U nit e d
S ta te s as “im peria li s t op pre ss o rs” w ho w er e tr y in g to su bju gate th em .
Neit h er s id e a ck n ow le d ged t h e f e ar l u rk in g b eh in d s u ch l a b els . Mak in g C om paris o n s
A noth er fo rm o f ju dgm en t is th e use of c o m paris o n s. In h is b o ok H ow to
M ake You rse lf M is e ra b le , D an G re en bu rg d em on str a te s th ro u gh h u m or th e
in sid io u s p ow er th at c o m para tiv e th in kin g c a n ex ert o ver u s. H e su gges ts
t h at if r e a d ers h av e a s in ce re d esir e to m ak e li f e m is er ab le fo r th em se lv es ,
th ey m ig h t le arn to co m pare th em se lv es to oth er peo p le . For th ose
u n fa m ili a r w it h th is p ra ctic e, h e pro vid es a fe w ex ercis es . e rst o n e
dis p la y s fu ll- le n gth p ic tu re s o f a m an an d a w om an w ho em bo d y id ea l
p hysic a l b eau ty b y c o n te m pora ry m ed ia s ta n dard s. R ea d ers a re in str u cte d t o
t a k e th eir o w n b o d y m ea su re m en ts , c o m pare th em to th ose su p er im pose d
o n t h e p ic tu re s o f t h e a tt r a ctiv e s p ecim en s, a n d d w ell o n t h e diff er en ces .
Com paris o n s a re a f o rm o f j u dgm en t.
is e x erc is e p ro du ce s w hat it p ro m is es : w e s ta rt t o f e el m is er ab le as w e
en gag e in th ese c o m paris o n s. B y th e tim e we’r e as d ep res se d a s w e th in k
poss ib le , w e tu rn th e p ag e to d is c o ver th at th e rst e x er cis e was a m ere
warm -u p. Sin ce p hysic a l b eau ty is re la tiv ely su p er cia l, G re en bu rg n ex t
pro vid es a n o p p ortu n it y to c o m pare ou rs e lv es o n s o m eth in g th at m att er s:
a ch ie v em en t. H e tu rn s to th e p h on e b o ok to g iv e re a d ers a fe w ra n dom
in div id u als to c o m pare th em se lv es w it h . e rst n am e he cla im s to h av e
p u lle d o u t o f t h e p h on e b o ok i s W olf g an g A m ad eu s M oza rt. G re en bu rg li s ts
t h e la n gu ag es M oza rt s p oke a n d th e m ajo r p ie ce s h e had c o m pose d b y th e
tim e h e w as a t e en ag er. e e x erc is e th en i n str u cts r e a d ers t o r e ect o n t h ei r
ow n a ch ie v em en ts a t t h eir c u rre n t s ta g e o f li f e , t o c o m pare th em w it h w hat
M oza rt h ad a cco m pli s h ed b y a g e t w elv e, a n d t o d w ell o n t h e diff er en ces .
Even re a d ers w ho n ev er e m erg e fr o m th e se lf - in du ce d m is er y o f th is
e x erc is e m ig h t s e e h ow p ow erfu lly t h is t y p e of t h in kin g b lo ck s c o m pass io n ,
both f o r o n ese lf a n d f o r o th ers . Den ia l o f R esp on sib ili t y
A noth er k in d o f li f e -a li e n atin g c o m mun ic atio n is d en ia l o f res pon sib ili t y .
C om mun ic atio n is li f e -a li e n atin g w hen it c lo u ds o u r a w aren ess t h at w e are
e a ch r e sp on sib le f o r o u r o w n t h ou gh ts , f e eli n gs, a n d a ctio n s. e use of t h e
co m mon e x p re ss io n have to , a s in “ ere a re s o m e th in gs y o u h av e to d o,
w heth er y o u li k e it o r n ot,” illu str a te s h ow p er so n al res pon sib ili t y fo r o u r
actio n s c a n b e o b sc u re d in sp eech . e ph ra se m akes o n e fe el, a s in “ Y ou
m ak e m e f e el g u ilt y ,” i s a n oth er ex am ple of h ow l a n gu ag e f a cili t a tes d en ia l o f
p ers o n al r e sp on sib ili t y f o r o u r o w n f e eli n gs a n d t h ou gh ts .
O ur la n gu ag e ob sc u re s aw are n ess of perso n al
re sp on sib ili t y .
In h er b o ok E ic h m an n in Je ru sa le m , w hic h d ocu m en ts th e w ar c rim es
tr ia l o f N azi o ffi ce r A dolf E ic h m an n, H an nah A ren dt q u otes E ic h m an n
sa y in g th at he an d his fe llo w offi cer s had th ei r ow n nam e fo r th e
re sp on sib ili t y -d en yin g la n gu ag e th ey use d . ey ca lle d it A m ts sp ra ch e,
lo ose ly tr a n sla te d in to Engli s h as “o ffi ce ta lk ” or “b u re au cra tes e.” For
ex am ple , if a sk ed w hy t h ey t o ok a c er ta in a ctio n , t h e res pon se wou ld b e, “ I
h ad t o .” I f a sk ed w hy t h ey “ h ad t o ,” t h e an sw er w ou ld b e, “ S u p er io rs’ o rd er s.”
“ C om pan y p oli c y.” “ It w as t h e l a w .”
W e d en y r e sp on sib ili t y fo r o u r a ctio n s w hen w e a tt r ib u te th ei r c au se to
fa cto rs o u ts id e o u rs e lv es:
V ag u e, i m pers o n al f o rc e s— “ I c le a n ed m y r o om b eca u se I h ad t o .”
O ur co n dit io n , dia g n osis , or pers o n al or psy ch olo gic a l his to ry — “I
d rin k b eca u se I a m a n a lc o h oli c .”
e a ctio n s o f o th ers — “ I h it m y c h ild b eca u se he ra n i n to t h e str e et.”
e d ic ta te s o f a u th orit y — “ I li e d to th e cli e n t b eca u se th e boss to ld m e
to .”
G ro u p p re ssu re — “ I s ta rte d s m okin g b eca u se all m y f r ie n ds d id .”
I n stit u tio n al p oli c ie s, r u le s, a n d r eg ula tio n s— “ I h ave to s u sp en d y o u fo r
th is i n fr a ctio n b eca u se it ’s t h e sc h ool p oli c y.” Gen der r o le s, s o cia l r o le s, o r a g e r o les — ”I h ate go in g t o w ork , b u t I d o i t
b eca u se I a m a h u sb an d a n d a f a th er.”
U nco n tr o lla b le im pu ls e s— “ I w as o verc o m e by m y u rg e to e a t t h e ca n dy
bar.”
O nce, d u rin g a d is c u ss io n a m on g p aren ts a n d t e a ch er s o n t h e dan ger s o f
a la n gu ag e th at im pli e s a b se n ce of c h oic e, a w om an o bje cte d a n grily , “ B ut
th ere a re s o m e t h in gs y o u h av e to d o w het her y o u li k e it o r n ot! A nd I s e e
n oth in g w ro n g w it h t e lli n g m y c h ild ren t h at t h er e are th in gs t h ey h av e to d o,
to o.” A sk ed fo r an ex am ple o f so m eth in g sh e “h ad to d o,” sh e ret orte d ,
“ at’s e a sy ! W hen I le av e h ere t o n ig h t, I h av e to g o h om e a n d c o ok. I h ate
c o okin g! I h ate it w it h a p ass io n , b u t I h av e been d oin g it e v er y d ay fo r
tw en ty y ears , e v en w hen I ’v e b een a s s ic k a s a d og, b ecau se it ’s o n e of t h ose
th in gs y o u ju st h av e to d o.” I to ld h er I w as sa d to h ear h er sp en din g so
m uch o f h er li f e d oin g s o m eth in g s h e hate d , b ecau se sh e fe lt c o m pelle d to ,
an d I ju st h op ed th at sh e m ig h t n d h ap pier p oss ib ili t ies b y le arn in g th e
la n gu ag e o f N VC.
I a m p le a se d to re p ort th at sh e was a fa st le arn er . A t th e en d o f th e
w ork sh op, s h e a ctu ally w en t h om e an d a n nou n ce d t o h er f a m ily t h at s h e no
lo n ger w an te d t o c o ok. e o p p ortu n it y f o r s o m e f e ed back f r o m h er f a m ily
c a m e th re e w eek s la te r w hen h er tw o so n s a rriv ed a t a w ork sh op. I w as
cu rio u s t o k n ow h ow th ey h ad r e a cte d t o t h eir m oth er’s a n nou n ce m en t. e
eld er s o n s ig h ed , “ M arsh all, I ju st s a id to m yse lf , ‘ an k G od !’” S eei ng m y
pu zzle d lo ok, h e e x p la in ed , “ I t h ou gh t t o m yse lf , m ay b e n ally s h e won’t b e
co m pla in in g a t e v ery m ea l! ”
W e c a n r e p la ce l a n gu ag e t h at i m pli e s l a ck o f c h oic e w it h
la n gu ag e t h at a ck n ow le d ges c h oic e .
A noth er tim e, w hen I w as co n su lt in g fo r a sc h ool d is tr ic t, a te a ch er
re m ark ed , “I h ate g iv in g g ra d es. I d on’t th in k th ey are help fu l an d th ey
cre ate a lo t o f a n xie ty o n t h e p art o f s tu den ts . B ut I h av e to g iv e gra d es : it ’s
t h e d is tr ic t p oli c y.” W e h ad ju st b een p ra ctic in g h ow to in tr o du ce la n gu ag e
in th e cla ss ro om th at h eig h te n s co n sc io u sn ess o f res pon sib ili t y fo r o n e’s
a ctio n s. I s u ggeste d th at th e te a ch er tr a n sla te th e sta te m en t “ I h av e to g iv e I
gra d es b ecau se i t ’s d is tr ic t p oli c y ” t o “ I c h oose to g iv e gra d es b ecau se I w an t
… ” S h e a n sw ere d w it h ou t h esit a tio n , “I c h oose to g iv e gra d es b ecau se I
wan t t o k eep m y jo b,” w hile h aste n in g t o a d d, “ B ut I d on’t li k e s a y in g it t h at
w ay. I t m ak es m e f e el s o r e sp on sib le fo r w hat I ’m d oin g.”
W e a re d an gero u s w hen w e a re n ot co n sc io u s o f o u r
re sp on sib ili t y f o r h ow w e b eh av e, t h in k, a n d f e el.
“ at’s w hy I w an t y o u t o d o i t t h at w ay,” I r ep li e d .
I sh are th e se n tim en ts of Fre n ch noveli s t an d jo u rn ali s t G eo rg e
B ern an os w hen h e s a y s,
h av e th ou gh t fo r a lo n g tim e n ow th at if , s o m e d ay, th e in cre a sin g
effi cie n cy fo r t h e t e ch n iq u e o f d es tr u ctio n n ally c au ses o u r s p ecies
t o dis a p p ear fr o m th e earth , it w ill not be cru elt y th at w ill be
re sp on sib le fo r o u r e x tin ctio n a n d s till les s, o f c o u rs e , th e in dig n atio n
th at cru elt y aw ak en s an d th e re p ris a ls an d v en gean ce th at it b rin gs
u p on it s e lf … b u t t h e d ocili t y , t h e la ck o f r es pon sib ili t y o f t h e m od er n
m an , h is b ase su bse rv ie n t a cce p ta n ce o f e v er y c o m mon d ecre e. e
horro rs th at w e h av e s e en , th e s till g re ate r h orro rs w e s h all p res en tly
s e e, a re not sig n s th at re b els , in su bord in ate , unta m ab le men are
in cre a sin g in n u m ber th ro u gh ou t th e world , b u t r a th er th at th er e is a
c o n sta n t i n cre a se i n t h e n u m ber o f o b ed ien t, d ocile m en .
—Geo rg e B ern an os Oth er F orm s o f L if e -A li e n atin g C om mun ic a tio n
C om mun ic atin g o u r d esir e s a s d em an ds i s y et a n oth er f o rm o f l a n gu ag e th at
b lo ck s co m pass io n . A d em an d ex pli c it ly o r im pli c it ly th re ate n s li s ten ers
wit h b la m e o r p u n is h m en t if th ey fa il to c o m ply . It is a c o m mon fo rm o f
co m mun ic atio n in o u r c u lt u re , es pecia lly a m on g th ose who h old p osit io n s
of a u th orit y .
M y c h ild re n g av e m e s o m e i n valu ab le le ss o n s a b ou t d em an ds. S o m eh ow
I h ad g o tt e n i t i n to m y h ea d t h at, a s a p aren t, m y j o b w as t o m ak e dem an ds.
I le arn ed , h ow ev er, t h at I c o u ld m ak e all t h e dem an ds in t h e world b u t s till
c o u ld n’t m ak e m y c h ild re n d o a n yth in g. is is a h u m bli n g les so n in p ow er
fo r t h ose o f u s w ho b eli e v e t h at, b ecau se w e’r e a p aren t, t e a ch er , o r m an ag er ,
ou r jo b is to c h an ge o th er p eo p le an d m ak e th em b eh av e. H er e wer e th es e
yo u n gste rs le tt in g m e k n ow th at I c o u ld n’t m ak e th em d o a n yth in g. A ll I
c o u ld do w as m ak e th em w is h th ey had — th ro u gh pu n is h m en t. en
ev en tu ally t h ey t a u gh t m e t h at a n y t im e I w as f o oli s h e n ou gh t o m ak e th em
w is h th ey h ad c o m pli e d b y p u n is h in g th em , th ey h ad w ay s o f m ak in g m e
wis h t h at I h ad n’t !
W e c a n n ev er m ak e p eo p le d o an yth in g.
W e w ill ex am in e th is su bje c t ag ain w hen w e le arn to diff er en tia te
r e q u ests f r o m d em an ds— an i m porta n t p art o f N VC.
e co n ce p t th at ce rta in actio n s m erit re w ard w hile oth er s m erit
p u n is h m en t is als o ass o cia te d w it h li f e- ali en atin g co m mun ic atio n . is
t h in kin g i s e x p re ss e d b y t h e w ord dese rv e a s i n “ H e d ese rv es t o b e p u n is h ed
fo r w hat h e d id .” I t a ssu m es “ b ad n es s” o n t h e part o f p eo p le who b eh av e in
c e rta in w ay s, a n d it c a lls fo r p u n is h m en t to m ak e th em r ep ent a n d ch an ge
th eir b eh av io r. I b eli e v e it i s i n e v er yo n e’s i n ter es t t h at p eo p le ch an ge, n ot i n
o rd er to a v o id p u n is h m en t, b u t b ecau se th ey s e e th e ch an ge a s b en etin g
th em se lv es.
in kin g base d on “w ho dese r v es what” blo ck s
co m passio n ate c o m mun ic a tio n . Most o f u s g re w u p sp ea k in g a la n gu ag e th at en co u ra g es u s to la b el,
c o m pare , d em an d, a n d p ro n ou n ce ju dgm en ts ra th er th an to b e aw are of
w hat w e a re fe eli n g a n d n eed in g. I b eli e v e li f e- ali en atin g c o m mun ic atio n is
r o ote d i n v ie w s o f h u m an n atu re t h at h av e ex er te d t h ei r i n u en ce fo r s e v er al
ce n tu rie s. ese v ie w s s tr e ss h u m an s’ in nate ev il a n d d e cien cy, a n d a n eed
fo r e d u catio n to c o n tr o l o u r in her en tly u n des ir a b le natu re . S u ch e d u catio n
o en l e av es u s q u estio n in g w heth er t h er e is s o m eth in g w ro n g w it h w hate v er
fe eli n gs a n d n eed s w e m ay b e e x p er ien cin g. W e le arn e arly t o c u t o u rs e lv es
o ff f r o m w hat’s g o in g o n w it h in o u rs e lv es .
Lif e -a li e n atin g c o m mun ic a tio n h as d eep p h ilos op h ic a l
an d p oli t ic a l r o ots .
L if e -a li e n atin g co m mun ic atio n both stem s fr o m an d su pp orts
h ie ra rc h ic a l o r d om in atio n s o cie ties , w her e la rg e p op u la tio n s a re co n tr o lle d
b y a s m all n u m ber o f i n div id u als t o t h ose in div id u als , o w n b en et. I t w ou ld
b e in th e in te re st o f k in gs, c za rs , n obles , a n d so fo rth th at th e m ass es b e
ed u cate d in a w ay t h at r e n ders t h em s la v eli k e in m en ta li t y . e la n gu ag e of
w ro n gn ess , s h ou ld , a n d have to is p erfe c tly s u it e d f o r t h is p u rp ose: t h e m ore
p eo p le are tr a in ed to th in k in te rm s o f m ora li s tic ju dgm en ts th at im ply
w ro n gn ess a n d b ad n ess , th e m ore th ey a re bei ng tr a in ed to lo ok o u ts id e
th em se lv es— to o u ts id e a u th orit ies — fo r th e de n it io n o f w hat c o n stit u tes
r ig h t, w ro n g, g o od , a n d b ad . W hen w e are in c o n ta ct w it h o u r fe eli n gs a n d
need s, w e h u m an s n o l o n ger m ak e go o d s la v es a n d u n der li n gs. Su m mary
It is o u r n atu re to e n jo y g iv in g a n d re ce iv in g c o m pass io n ate ly . W e hav e,
h ow ev er, le arn ed m an y fo rm s o f li f e- ali en atin g c o m mun ic atio n t h at le a d u s
to s p ea k a n d b eh av e in w ay s th at in ju re oth er s a n d o u rs e lv es . O ne fo rm o f
li f e -a li e n atin g co m mun ic atio n is t h e u se o f m ora li s tic ju dgm en ts t h at im ply
w ro n gn ess o r b ad n ess o n th e p art o f th ose who d on’t a ct in h arm on y w it h
o u r v alu es. A noth er is t h e u se o f c o m paris o n s, w hic h c a n b lo ck c o m pass io n
b oth fo r oth ers an d fo r ou rs e lv es . Lif e- ali en atin g co m mun ic atio n als o
o b sc u re s o u r a w are n ess t h at w e a re ea ch r es pon sib le fo r o u r o w n t h ou gh ts ,
fe eli n gs, a n d a ctio n s. C om mun ic atin g o u r d esir es i n t h e fo rm o f d em an ds i s
y et a n oth er c h ara cte ris tic o f l a n gu ag e t h at b lo ck s c o m pass io n . T
3
Obse rv in g W it h ou t E va lu atin g
O BSE RV E!! ere are fe w t h in gs a s i m porta n t, a s r e li g io u s, a s t h at.
— Fre d eric k B uech n er, m in is te r
I c a n h an dle yo u r t e lli n g m e
what I d id o r d id n’t d o.
A nd I c a n h an dle yo u r i n te rp re ta tio n s,
b u t p le a se don’t m ix t h e tw o.
If y o u w an t t o c o n fu se an y i s su e,
I c a n t e ll y o u h ow t o d o i t :
M ix t o geth er w hat I d o
w it h h ow y o u r e a ct t o i t .
T ell m e th at y o u ’r e dis a pp oin te d
w it h t h e unfinis h ed c h ore s y o u s e e ,
B ut c a lli n g m e “ir re sp on sib le ”
is n o w ay t o m otiv a te m e.
A nd t e ll m e th at y o u ’r e fe eli n g h u rt
w hen I s a y “ n o” t o y o u r a d va n ce s,
B ut c a lli n g m e a f r ig id m an
w on’t i n cre a se yo u r f u tu re ch an ce s.
Y es, I c a n h an dle yo u r t e lli n g m e
what I d id o r d id n’t d o,
A nd I c a n h an dle yo u r i n te rp re ta tio n s,
b u t p le a se don’t m ix t h e tw o.
— Marsh all B . R ose n berg , P hD
h e rst c o m pon en t o f N VC e n ta ils t h e sep ara tio n o f o b ser vatio n fr o m
ev alu atio n . W e n eed to c le arly o b ser ve what w e a re se ei ng, h earin g, o r to u ch in g th at is a ff ec tin g o u r se n se of w ell- b ei ng, w it h ou t m ix in g in a n y
ev alu atio n .
O bse rv atio n s are an im porta n t ele m en t in N VC, w her e we wis h to
c le arly an d h on estly ex p re ss h ow w e are to an oth er p er so n . W hen w e
co m bin e o b se rv atio n w it h e v alu atio n , w e decre a se th e li k eli h ood t h at o th er s
will h ear o u r in te n ded m ess a g e. In ste a d , th ey a re ap t to h ear c rit ic is m a n d
th u s r e sis t w hate v er w e a re s a y in g.
N VC d oes n ot m an date t h at w e r em ain c o m plet ely o bje ctiv e an d r ef ra in
f r o m e v alu atin g. I t o n ly r e q u ir e s t h at w e m ain ta in a s ep ara tio n b et ween o u r
ob se rv atio n s an d ou r ev alu atio n s. N VC is a pro ce ss la n gu ag e th at
d is c o u ra g es sta tic g en era li z atio n s; in ste a d , e v alu atio n s a re to b e base d o n
o b se rv atio n s sp ecifi c to tim e an d co n te x t. Sem an tic is t W en dell Jo h n so n
p oin te d o u t th at w e cre ate m an y p ro blem s fo r o u rs e lv es b y u sin g sta tic
la n gu ag e t o e x p re ss o r c ap tu re a r e a li t y t h at i s e v er c h an gin g: “ O ur la n gu ag e
is a n im perfe c t in str u m en t c re ate d b y a n cien t a n d ig n ora n t m en . It is a n
a n im is tic l a n gu ag e t h at i n vit e s u s t o t a lk a b ou t s ta b ili t y a n d c o n sta n ts , a b ou t
sim ila rit ie s an d n orm al an d k in ds, ab ou t m ag ic a l tr a n sfo rm atio n s, q u ic k
c u re s, sim ple pro ble m s, an d n al so lu tio n s. Yet th e world w e tr y to
s y m boli z e w it h th is la n gu ag e is a w orld o f p ro ce ss , ch an ge, d iff er en ces ,
dim en sio n s, fu n ctio n s, re la tio n sh ip s, gro w th s, in ter actio n s, dev elo p in g,
le arn in g, c o p in g, c o m ple x it y . A nd t h e m is m atc h o f o u r e v er -c h an gin g w orld
a n d o u r r e la tiv ely s ta tic l a n gu ag e f o rm s i s p art o f o u r p ro blem .”
W hen w e c o m bin e o b se r v atio n w it h e v a lu atio n , p eo p le
a re a p t t o h ea r c rit ic is m .
A co lle a g u e o f m in e, R uth B eb er m ey er, co n tr a sts sta tic an d p ro ces s
la n gu ag e in a so n g th at illu str a tes th e diff er en ce b et ween e v alu atio n a n d
ob se rv atio n : I ’v e nev er s e e n a l a zy m an ;
I’v e se e n a m an w ho n ev er r a n
w hile I w atc h ed h im , a n d I ’v e se e n
a m an w ho s o m etim es s le p t b etw ee n
lu n ch a n d d in n er, a n d w ho’d s ta y
at h om e upon a r a in y d ay, bu t h e w as n ot a l a zy m an .
B efo re yo u c a ll m e cra zy,
th in k, w as h e a l a zy m an o r
d id h e ju st d o t h in gs w e la b el “ la zy”?
I’v e nev er s e e n a s tu pid k id ;
I’v e se e n a k id w ho s o m etim es d id
t h in gs I d id n’t u n dersta n d
or t h in gs i n w ays I h ad n’t p la n n ed ;
I’v e se e n a k id w ho h ad n’t s e e n
th e sa m e pla ce s w here I h ad b ee n,
b u t h e w as n ot a s tu pid k id .
B efo re yo u c a ll h im s tu pid ,
th in k, w as h e a s tu pid k id o r d id h e
ju st k n ow d iff ere n t t h in gs t h an y o u d id ?
I’v e lo ok ed a s h ard a s I c a n l o ok
b u t n ev er e v er s e e n a c o ok ;
I s a w a p erso n w ho c o m bin ed
in gre d ie n ts o n w hic h w e din ed ,
A p erso n w ho t u rn ed o n t h e hea t
a n d w atc h ed t h e sto ve th at c o ok ed t h e m ea t—
I s a w t h ose th in gs b u t n ot a c o ok .
T ell m e, w hen y o u ’r e lo okin g,
Is i t a c o ok y o u s e e or i s i t s o m eo n e
doin g t h in gs t h at w e ca ll c o okin g?
W hat s o m e of u s c a ll l a zy
so m e ca ll t ir e d o r e a sy -g o in g,
w hat s o m e of u s c a ll s tu pid
s o m e ju st c a ll a d iff ere n t k n ow in g,
so I ’v e co m e to t h e co n clu sio n ,
it w ill s a ve us a ll c o n fu sio n
if w e don’t m ix u p w hat w e ca n s e e
w it h w hat i s o u r o p in io n .
B eca u se yo u m ay, I w an t t o s a y a ls o ; I k n ow t h at’s o n ly m y o p in io n .
— Ruth B eb erm ey er
W hile th e e ff ec ts o f n eg ativ e la b els s u ch a s “ la zy ” a n d “ s tu pid ” m ay b e
m ore o bvio u s, e v en a p osit iv e o r a n a p p aren tly n eu tr a l la b el s u ch a s “ c o ok”
li m it s o u r p erc e p tio n o f t h e t o ta li t y o f a n oth er p er so n’s b ei ng. e H ig h est F orm o f H um an I n te lli g en ce
e In dia n ph ilo so p h er J. K ris h n am urti on ce rem ark ed th at ob ser vin g
w it h ou t e v alu atin g is th e h ig h est fo rm o f h u m an in te lli g en ce. W hen I rst
re a d th is s ta te m en t, th e th ou gh t, “ W hat n on sen se! ” s h ot th ro u gh m y m in d
befo re I re a li z e d th at I h ad ju st m ad e a n e v alu atio n . F or m ost o f u s, it is
d iffi cu lt to m ak e o b se rv atio n s, es pecia lly o f p eo p le an d th ei r b eh av io r, th at
a re f r e e o f j u dgm en t, c rit ic is m , o r o th er f o rm s o f a n aly sis .
I beca m e acu te ly aw are of th is diffi cu lt y w hile w ork in g w it h an
ele m en ta ry sc h ool w here th e sta ff an d prin cip al had o en rep orte d
co m mun ic atio n d iffi cu lt ie s. e d is tr ic t s u p er in ten den t h ad r e q u es te d t h at I
h elp t h em r e so lv e t h e c o n ic t. F ir st I w as t o c o n fer w it h t h e sta ff , a n d t h en
w it h t h e s ta ff a n d p rin cip al t o geth er .
I o p en ed th e m eetin g b y a sk in g th e sta ff , “ W hat is th e prin cip al d oin g
th at c o n ic ts w it h y o u r n eed s? ”
“H e h as a b ig m ou th !” c a m e th e s w i r es pon se . M y q u es tio n c a lle d fo r
an o b se rv atio n , b u t w hile “ b ig m ou th ” g av e me in fo rm atio n o n h ow th is
t e a ch er e v alu ate d t h e p rin cip al, it fa ile d to d esc rib e what t h e prin cip al s a id
o r d id t h at l e d t o t h e i n te rp re ta tio n t h at h e had a “ b ig m ou th .”
W hen I p oin te d th is o u t, a se co n d te a ch er o ff ere d , “I k n ow w hat h e
m ean s: th e p rin cip al ta lk s to o m uch !” I n ste a d o f a c le ar o b ser vatio n of th e
prin cip al’s b eh av io r, t h is w as a ls o a n e v alu atio n — of h ow m uch t h e prin cip al
ta lk ed . A t h ir d t e a ch er t h en d ecla re d , “ H e th in ks o n ly h e has a n yth in g w orth
s a y in g.” I e x p la in ed t h at i n fe rrin g w hat a n oth er p er so n i s t h in kin g i s n ot t h e
sa m e a s o b se rv in g h is b eh av io r. F in ally a f o u rth t e a ch er v en tu re d , “ H e w an ts
to b e t h e c e n te r o f a tt e n tio n a ll t h e tim e.” A er I r em ark ed t h at t h is t o o w as
an in fe re n ce — of w hat a n oth er p er so n is w an tin g— tw o te a ch er s b lu rte d in
u n is o n , “ W ell, y o u r q u estio n i s v er y h ard t o a n sw er!”
W e su bse q u en tly w ork ed to geth er to cre ate a li s t id en tif y in g sp ecifi c
beh avio rs, o n th e p art o f th e p rin cip al, th at b oth er ed th em , a n d m ad e s u re
th at th e li s t w as fr e e o f e v alu atio n . F or ex am ple , th e prin cip al to ld s to ries
a b ou t h is c h ild hood a n d w ar e x p er ien ce s d u rin g fa cu lt y m eet in gs, w it h t h e
re su lt t h at m eetin gs s o m etim es r a n t w en ty m in utes o ver tim e. W hen I a sk ed
w heth er t h ey h ad e v er c o m mun ic ate d t h ei r a n noyan ce t o t h e prin cip al, t h e
sta ff re p li e d th at th ey h ad tr ie d , b u t o n ly th ro u gh ev alu ativ e co m men ts . ey had nev er m ad e re fe re n ce to sp eci c beh av io rs — su ch as his
s to ry te lli n g— an d th ey a g re ed to b rin g th es e up w hen w e wer e all to m eet
to geth er.
A lm ost a s so on a s th e m eetin g b eg an , I sa w w hat th e sta ff h ad b een
te lli n g m e. N o m att e r w hat w as bei ng dis c u ss e d , th e prin cip al w ou ld
i n te rje c t, “ is r e m in ds m e o f th e tim e … ” a n d th en la u n ch in to a s to ry
a b ou t h is c h ild hood o r w ar e x p erien ce. I w ait e d fo r th e sta ff to v o ic e th ei r
dis c o m fo rt a ro u n d t h e p rin cip al’s b eh av io r. H ow ev er , in ste a d o f N on vio len t
Com mun ic atio n , th ey a p p li e d n on ver bal c o n dem natio n . S o m e r o lle d th ei r
ey es; o th ers y aw ned p oin te d ly ; o n e sta re d a t h is w atc h .
I e n du re d t h is p ain fu l s c e n ario u ntil n ally I a sk ed , “ Is n ’t a n yo n e go in g
to sa y so m eth in g?” A n aw kw ard silen ce en su ed . e te a ch er w ho h ad
sp oken rst a t o u r m eetin g s c re w ed u p h is c o u ra g e, lo oked d ir e ctly a t th e
prin cip al, a n d s a id , “ E d, y o u h av e a b ig m ou th .”
A s th is s to ry illu str a te s, it ’s n ot a lw ay s e a sy to s h ed o u r o ld h ab it s a n d
m aste r th e a b ili t y to s e p ara te o b ser vatio n fr o m e v alu atio n . E ven tu ally , th e
te a ch ers s u cce ed ed i n c la rif y in g f o r t h e prin cip al t h e sp eci c a ctio n s t h at l e d
to th eir c o n ce rn . e p rin cip al li s ten ed e arn es tly a n d th en p res se d , “ W hy
d id n’t o n e of yo u te ll m e befo re ?” H e ad m it t e d he was aw are of his
s to ry te lli n g hab it , an d th en beg an a sto ry per ta in in g to th is hab it ! I
in te rr u pte d h im , o b se rv in g ( g o od -n atu re d ly ) t h at h e was d oin g it a g ain . W e
en ded o u r m eetin g b y d ev elo p in g w ay s fo r th e sta ff to let th ei r p rin cip al
k n ow , i n a g en tle w ay, w hen h is s to ries w er en ’t a p pre cia te d . Dis tin gu is h in g O bse r v atio n s F ro m E va lu atio n s
e fo llo w in g ta b le dis tin gu is h es ob ser vatio n s th at are sep ara te fr o m
ev alu atio n f r o m t h ose t h at h av e e v alu atio n m ix ed i n .
C om mun ic a tio n E xam ple o f
o b se r v atio n
w it h e v a lu atio n
m ix ed i n
E xam ple o f
o b se r v atio n s e p ara te
f r o m e v a lu atio n
1. U se o f v erb to b e w it h ou t
in dic atio n t h at t h e e v alu ato r
ta k es r e sp on sib ili t y f o r t h e
ev alu atio n
Y ou a re t o o
gen ero u s.
W hen I s e e y o u g iv e a ll
y o u r l u n ch m on ey t o
o th ers , I t h in k y o u a re
b ein g t o o g en ero u s.
2 . U se o f v erb s w it h e v alu ativ e
co n nota tio n s
D ou g
pro cra stin ate s.
D ou g o n ly s tu die s f o r
ex am s t h e n ig h t b efo re .
3 . I m pli c atio n t h at o n e’s
i n fe re n ce s a b ou t a n oth er p ers o n’s
t h ou gh ts , f e eli n gs, i n te n tio n s, o r
d esir e s a re t h e o n ly o n es p oss ib le
S h e w on’t g et
h er w ork i n .
I d on’t t h in k s h e’l l g et
h er w ork i n . o r
S h e s a id , “ I w on’t g et m y
work i n .”
4 . C on fu sio n o f p re d ic tio n w it h
c e rta in ty
I f y o u d on’t e at
b ala n ce d m ea ls ,
y o u r h ea lt h w ill
b e i m pair e d .
If y o u d on’t e at b ala n ce d
m ea ls , I f e ar y o u r h ea lt h
m ay b e i m pair e d .
5. F ailu re t o b e s p eci c a b ou t
re fe re n ts
I m mig ra n ts
d on’t t a k e c a re
o f t h eir
p ro p erty .
I h av e n ot s e en t h e
im mig ra n t f a m ily l i v in g
at 1 679 R oss s h ovel t h e
sn ow o n t h eir s id ew alk .
6. U se o f w ord s d en otin g a b ili t y
w it h ou t i n dic atin g t h at a n
e v alu atio n i s b ein g m ad e
H an k S m it h i s a
p oor s o cce r
p la y er.
H an k S m it h h as n ot
sc o re d a g o al i n t w en ty
g am es.
7 . U se o f a d verb s a n d a d je c tiv es
in w ay s t h at d o n ot i n dic ate a n
e v alu atio n h as b een m ad e
Jim i s u gly . Jim ’s l o oks d on’t a p p ea l
to m e. Note : e w ord s a lw ays, n ev er, e v er, w hen ev er, e tc . e x p re ss o b se rv atio n s
w hen u se d i n t h e f o llo w in g w ay s:
W hen ev er I h av e o b se rv ed J a ck o n t h e ph on e, h e has s p oken f o r a t l e a st
th ir ty m in ute s.
I c a n not r e ca ll y o u r e v er w rit in g t o m e.
S o m etim es su ch w ord s are use d as ex ag gera tio n s, in w hic h ca se
o b se rv atio n s a n d e v alu atio n s a re b ei ng m ix ed :
You a re a lw ay s b u sy .
S h e i s n ev er t h ere w hen s h e’s n eed ed .
W hen th ese w ord s are use d as ex ag gera tio n s, th ey o en pro vo ke
d efe n siv en ess r a th er t h an c o m pass io n .
W ord s li k e fr e q u en tly an d se ld om ca n als o co n tr ib u te to co n fu sin g
ob se rv atio n w it h e v alu atio n .
E va lu atio n s O bse r v atio n s
You s e ld om d o
w hat I w an t.
e l a st t h re e t im es I i n it ia te d a n a ctiv it y , y o u s a id y o u
d id n’t w an t t o d o i t .
H e f r e q u en tly
c o m es o ver.
H e c o m es o ver a t l e a st t h re e t im es a w eek . Su m mary
e rst co m pon en t o f N VC en ta ils th e sep ara tio n o f o b ser vatio n fr o m
ev alu atio n . W hen w e c o m bin e o b ser vatio n w it h e v alu atio n , o th er s a re ap t t o
h ear c rit ic is m a n d r e sis t w hat w e a re sa y in g. N VC i s a p ro ce ss la n gu ag e th at
d is c o u ra g es sta tic gen era li z atio n s. In ste a d , ob ser vatio n s are to b e mad e
sp eci c t o t im e a n d c o n te x t, f o r ex am ple , “ H an k S m it h h as n ot s c o re d a g o al
in t w en ty g am es,” r a th er t h an “ H an k S m it h i s a p oor s o ccer p la y er.”
N VC i n A ctio n
“ e M ost A rro gan t S p ea k er W e’v e E ver H ad !”
is d ia lo gu e o cc u rre d d u rin g a w ork sh op I w as c o n du ctin g. A bou t
h alf a n h ou r i n to m y p re se n ta tio n , I p au se d t o i n vit e re a ctio n s f r o m t h e
partic ip an ts . O ne o f t h em r a is e d a h an d a n d d ecla re d , “ Y ou ’r e th e m ost
a rro gan t s p ea k er w e’v e e v er h ad !”
I h av e s e v era l o p tio n s o p en t o m e w hen p eo p le ad dres s m e t h is w ay.
O ne o p tio n is to ta k e th e m ess a g e p er so n ally ; I k n ow I’m d oin g th is
w hen I h av e a str o n g u rg e to e it h er g ro vel, d efen d m yse lf , o r m ak e
ex cu se s. A noth er o p tio n (fo r w hic h I a m w ell- r e h ears e d ) is to a tt a ck
th e o th er p ers o n fo r w hat I p erc e iv e as th ei r a tt a ck u p on m e. O n th is
o cc a sio n , I c h ose a t h ir d o p tio n b y f o cu sin g o n w hat m ig h t b e go in g o n
b eh in d t h e m an ’s s ta te m en t.
M BR : ( g u essin g a t t h e ob se rv a tio n s b ein g m ad e) A re y o u r e a ctin g t o m y
hav in g t a k en t h ir ty s tr a ig h t m in utes to p res en t m y v ie w s b ef ore
g iv in g y o u a c h an ce t o t a lk ?
P hil: N o, y o u m ak e i t s o u n d s o s im ple .
M BR : ( tr y in g t o o b ta in f u rth er c la rifi ca tio n ) A re y o u r e a ctin g t o m y n ot
h av in g s a id a n yth in g a b ou t h ow th e pro ce ss c a n b e diffi cu lt fo r
so m e p eo p le t o a p p ly ?
P hil: N o, n ot s o m e p eo p le — yo u !
M BR : S o y o u ’r e r e a ctin g t o m y n ot h av in g s a id t h at t h e pro ce ss c a n b e
d iffi cu lt f o r m e a t t im es? P hil: at’s r ig h t. MBR : A re y o u fe eli n g a n noyed b ecau se yo u w ou ld h av e li k ed so m e
sig n f r o m m e t h at in dic ate d t h at I h av e so m e p ro blem s w it h t h e
pro ce ss m yse lf ?
P hil: ( a er a m om en t’s p au se) at’s r ig h t.
M BR : ( fe eli n g m ore re la xed n ow th at I a m in to u ch w it h th e perso n’s
f e eli n g an d need , I dir e ct m y atte n tio n to w hat he mig h t be
re q u estin g o f m e) W ou ld y o u l i k e m e t o a d m it r ig h t n ow t h at t h is
p ro ce ss c a n b e a s tr u gg le f o r m e t o a p p ly ?
P hil: Y es.
M BR : ( h avin g g o tte n c le a r o n h is o b se rv a tio n , fe eli n g, n eed , a n d r e q u est,
I c h eck i n sid e m yse lf t o s e e if I a m w illi n g t o d o a s h e re q u ests ) Y es,
th is p ro ce ss is o en d iffi cu lt fo r m e. A s w e c o n tin u e wit h th e
w ork sh op, yo u ’l l p ro b ab ly h ear m e d esc rib e se v er al in cid en ts
w here I’v e str u gg le d … o r c o m plet ely lo st to u ch … w it h th is
p ro ce ss , t h is c o n sc io u sn ess , t h at I a m p res en tin g h er e to y o u . B ut
w hat k eep s m e i n t h e s tr u gg le a re th e clo se co n nectio n s t o o th er
p eo p le t h at h ap p en w hen I d o s ta y w it h t h e pro ce ss . Exerc is e 1
O BSE R VA T IO N O R E V A LU AT IO N?
To d ete rm in e yo u r pro cie n cy at d is c e rn in g bet ween ob ser vatio n s an d
ev alu atio n s, c o m ple te th e fo llo w in g ex ercis e . C ir c le th e nu m ber in fr o n t o f
ea ch s ta te m en t t h at i s a n o b se rv atio n o n ly , w it h n o e v alu atio n m ix ed i n .
1. “ Jo h n w as a n gry w it h m e y este rd ay f o r n o r e a so n .”
2. “ Y este rd ay e v en in g N an cy b it h er n gern ails w hile w atc h in g t e le v is io n .”
3. “ S am d id n’t a sk f o r m y o p in io n d u rin g t h e m eet in g.”
4. “ M y f a th er i s a g o od m an .”
5. “ Ja n ic e w ork s t o o m uch .”
6. “ H en ry i s a g gre ss iv e.”
7. “ P am w as rst i n l i n e e v ery d ay t h is w eek .”
8. “ M y s o n o en d oesn ’t b ru sh h is t e et h.”
9. “ L u ke t o ld m e I d id n’t l o ok g o od i n y ello w .”
1 0 . “ M y a u nt c o m pla in s w hen I t a lk w it h h er .”
H ere are m y r e sp on se s f o r E xerc is e 1:
1. I f y o u c ir c le d th is n u m ber, w e’r e not in a g re em ent. I c o n sid er “ fo r n o
re a so n” t o b e a n e v alu atio n . F u rth er m ore , I c o n sid er i t a n e v alu atio n t o
in fe r t h at J o h n w as a n gry. H e m ig h t h av e been f e eli n g h u rt, s c a re d , s a d ,
or s o m eth in g e ls e . E xam ple s o f o b ser vatio n s w it h ou t e v alu atio n m ig h t
b e: “ Jo h n t o ld m e h e w as a n gry,” o r “ Jo h n p ou n ded h is st o n t h e ta b le .”
2. I f y o u c ir c le d t h is n u m ber, w e’r e in a g re em ent t h at a n o b ser vatio n w as
ex p re ss e d w it h ou t b ein g m ix ed t o geth er w it h a n e v alu atio n .
3. I f y o u c ir c le d t h is n u m ber, w e’r e in a g re em ent t h at a n o b ser vatio n w as
ex p re ss e d w it h ou t b ein g m ix ed t o geth er w it h a n e v alu atio n .
4. I f y o u c ir c le d th is n u m ber, w e’r e not in a g re em ent. I c o n sid er “g o od
m an ” t o b e a n e v alu atio n . A n o b ser vatio n w it h ou t e v alu atio n m ig h t b e: “F or th e la st tw en ty - ve y ears , m y fa th er h as g iv en o n e- ten th o f h is
s a la ry t o c h arit y .”
5. I f y o u cir c le d th is n u m ber, w e’r e not in ag re em ent. I co n sid er “to o
m uch ” to b e a n e v alu atio n . A n o b ser vatio n w it h ou t e v alu atio n m ig h t
b e: “ Ja n ic e s p en t m ore t h an s ix ty h ou rs a t t h e offi ce t h is w eek .”
6. I f yo u cir c le d th is nu m ber, w e’r e not in ag re em ent. I co n sid er
“a g gre ss iv e” to b e an ev alu atio n . A n o b ser vatio n w it h ou t ev alu atio n
m ig h t be: “H en ry hit his sis ter w hen sh e sw it c h ed th e te le v is io n
ch an nel.”
7. I f y o u c ir c le d t h is n u m ber, w e’r e in a g re em ent t h at a n o b ser vatio n w as
ex p re ss e d w it h ou t b ein g m ix ed t o geth er w it h a n e v alu atio n .
8. I f y o u c ir c le d t h is n u m ber, w e’r e not i n a g re em ent. I c o n sid er “ o en ” t o
b e a n e v alu atio n . A n o b se rv atio n w it h ou t e v alu atio n m ig h t b e: “ T w ic e
th is w eek m y s o n d id n’t b ru sh h is t e et h b ef ore go in g t o b ed .”
9. I f y o u c ir c le d t h is n u m ber, w e’r e in a g re em ent t h at a n o b ser vatio n w as
ex p re ss e d w it h ou t b ein g m ix ed t o geth er w it h a n e v alu atio n .
10 . I f yo u cir c le d th is nu m ber, w e’r e not in ag re em ent. I co n sid er
“c o m pla in s” to b e a n e v alu atio n . A n o b ser vatio n w it h ou t e v alu atio n
m ig h t b e: “M y a u nt c a lle d m e th re e tim es th is w eek , a n d e a ch tim e
ta lk ed a b ou t p eo p le w ho t r e ate d h er i n w ay s s h e did n’t l i k e.”
e M ask
A lw ays a m ask
H eld i n t h e sli m h an d w hit e ly
A lw ays s h e had a m ask b efo re her
fa ce—
T ru ly t h e w ris t
H old in g i t l i g h tly
F it te d t h e ta sk :
S om etim es h ow ev er
W as t h ere a s h iv er,
F in gertip q u iv er,
E ver s o s li g h tly —
H old in g t h e m ask ?
F or y ea rs a n d y ea rs a n d y ea rs I
w on dere d
B ut d are d n ot a sk
A nd t h en —
I b lu n dere d ,
L ook ed b eh in d t h e m ask ,
T o fi n d
N oth in g—
S h e had n o f a ce .
S h e had b eco m e
M ere ly a h an d
H old in g a m ask
W it h g ra ce .
— Auth or u n kn ow n T
4
Id en tif y in g a n d E xp re ssin g F eeli n gs
h e rst c o m pon en t o f N VC i s t o o b ser ve w it h ou t e v alu atin g; t h e se co n d
co m pon en t is to e x p re ss h ow w e a re fe eli n g. P sy ch oan aly st R ollo M ay
su ggests th at “ th e m atu re p ers o n b eco m es a b le to d iff er en tia te fe eli n gs in to
a s m an y nu an ce s, str o n g an d pass io n ate ex per ien ce s, or deli c ate an d
se n sit iv e o n es a s i n t h e d iff ere n t p ass a g es o f m usic i n a s y m ph on y.” F or m an y
of u s, h ow ev er, o u r f e eli n gs a re , a s M ay w ou ld d es crib e it , “ li m it e d l i k e notes
in a b u gle c a ll.” e H ea v y C ost o f U nex p re ss e d F eeli n gs
O ur re p erto ir e o f w ord s fo r c a lli n g p eo p le nam es is o en la rg er th an o u r
vo ca b u la ry o f w ord s t o c le arly d es crib e ou r e m otio n al s ta te s. I w en t t h ro u gh
tw en ty -o n e y ears o f A m eric a n sc h ools a n d c a n ’t re ca ll a n yo n e in a ll th at
tim e ev er ask in g m e how I fe lt . Feeli n gs w er e sim ply not co n sid er ed
im porta n t. W hat w as v alu ed w as “th e rig h t w ay to th in k”— as d e ned b y
th ose w ho h eld p osit io n s o f r a n k a n d a u th orit y . W e a re tr a in ed t o b e “o th er -
dir e c te d ” r a th er t h an t o b e in c o n ta ct w it h o u rs e lv es . W e le arn t o b e “u p in
o u r h ea d ,” w on derin g, “ W hat i s i t t h at o th er s t h in k i s r ig h t f o r m e to s a y a n d
do?”
A n in te ra ctio n I h ad w it h a te a ch er w hen I w as a b ou t n in e years o ld
d em on str a te s h ow a li e n atio n f r o m o u r f e eli n gs c a n b eg in . I o n ce hid m yse lf
i n a c la ss ro om a er s c h ool b ecau se so m e b oys w er e wait in g o u ts id e to b eat
m e u p. A te a ch er sp ott e d m e a n d a sk ed m e to le av e th e sc h ool. W hen I
e x p la in ed I w as a fr a id t o g o , s h e d ecla re d , “ B ig b oys d on’t g et f r ig h ten ed .” A
f e w y ears la te r I r e ce iv ed f u rth er r ei nfo rc e m en t t h ro u gh m y p artic ip atio n i n
a th le tic s. I t w as t y p ic a l f o r c o ach es t o v alu e ath let es w illi n g t o “ g iv e th ei r a ll”
a n d c o n tin u e p la y in g n o m att e r h ow m uch p hysic a l p ain th ey w er e in . I
le arn ed th e le ss o n so w ell I o n ce co n tin u ed p la y in g b ase b all fo r a m on th
w it h a n u ntr e ate d b ro ken w ris t.
A t a n N VC w ork sh op, a c o lle g e s tu den t s p oke ab ou t b ei ng k ep t a w ak e by
a r o om mate w ho p la y ed t h e s te re o la te at n ig h t a n d lo u d ly . W hen a sk ed to
e x p re ss w hat h e fe lt w hen th is h ap p en ed , th e stu den t r ep li e d , “ I fe el th at it
i s n ’t rig h t to p la y m usic so lo u d at n ig h t.” I p oin te d o u t th at w hen h e
fo llo w ed t h e w ord fe el w it h t h e w ord th at, h e w as e x p re ss in g a n o p in io n b u t
n ot re v ea li n g h is fe eli n gs. A sk ed to tr y ag ain to ex pres s h is fe eli n gs, h e
re sp on ded , “I fe el, w hen p eo p le do so m eth in g li k e th at, it ’s a p er so n ali t y
d is tu rb an ce.” I e x p la in ed t h at t h is w as s till a n o p in io n r a th er t h an a f e eli n g.
H e p au se d th ou gh tfu lly , a n d th en a n nou n ce d w it h v eh em ence, “ I h av e no
fe eli n gs a b ou t i t w hats o ev er!”
is stu den t obvio u sly h ad str o n g fe eli n gs. U nfo rtu n ate ly , h e did n’t
k n ow h ow to b eco m e a w are o f h is fe eli n gs, let a lo n e e x p res s th em . is
d iffi cu lt y in id en tif y in g an d ex p res sin g fe eli n gs is co m mon , an d in m y
ex p erie n ce, e sp ecia lly s o a m on g l a w yer s, en gin eer s, p oli c e o ffi ce rs , c o rp ora te man ag ers , a n d c a re er m ili t a ry p er so n nel— peo p le whose pro fe ss io n al c o d es
dis c o u ra g e t h em f r o m m an if e stin g em otio n s. F or fa m ili es , t h e to ll is s e v er e
when m em bers a re u n ab le t o c o m mun ic ate em otio n s. C ou ntr y s in ger R eb a
M cE ntir e w ro te a s o n g a er h er fa th er ’s d eath , a n d tit le d it “ e Gre ates t
M an I N ev er K new .” I n s o d oin g, s h e un dou bte d ly ex pres se d t h e sen tim en ts
o f m an y p eo p le w ho w ere n ev er a b le to e sta b li s h t h e em otio n al c o n nectio n
th ey w ou ld h av e l i k ed w it h t h eir f a th er s.
I r e g u la rly h ear s ta te m en ts li k e, “ I w ou ld n’t w an t y o u to g et th e wro n g
id ea — I’m m arr ie d to a w on derfu l m an — bu t I n ev er kn ow w hat h e is
f e eli n g.” O ne su ch d is s a tis ed w om an b ro u gh t h er sp ou se to a w ork sh op,
d u rin g w hic h s h e to ld h im , “ I fe el li k e I ’m marrie d to a w all.” e h u sb an d
th en did an ex celle n t im it a tio n of a w all: he sa t m ute an d im mobile .
E xasp era te d , s h e t u rn ed t o m e a n d e x cla im ed , “ S ee! is i s w hat h ap p en s a ll
t h e t im e. H e s it s a n d s a y s n oth in g. I t’s j u st l i k e l i v in g w it h a w all.”
“ It s o u n ds t o m e l i k e y o u a re f e eli n g l o n ely a n d w an tin g m ore em otio n al
co n ta ct w it h y o u r h u sb an d,” I r e sp on ded . W hen s h e ag re ed , I t r ie d t o s h ow
h ow sta te m en ts su ch a s “ I fe el li k e I’m li v in g w it h a w all” a re un li k ely to
b rin g h er fe eli n gs a n d d esir e s to h er h u sb an d’s a tt en tio n . In fa ct, th ey a re
m ore li k ely to b e h eard a s c rit ic is m t h an a s in vit a tio n s to c o n nect w it h o u r
fe eli n gs. Fu rth erm ore , su ch sta te m en ts o en le a d to se lf - fu l lli n g
pro p h ecie s. A h u sb an d, fo r e x am ple , h ears h im se lf c rit ic iz e d fo r b eh av in g
li k e a w all; he is hu rt an d dis c o u ra g ed an d does n’t res pon d, th er eb y
co n rm in g h is w if e ’s i m ag e o f h im a s a w all.
e b en e ts o f str e n gth en in g o u r fe eli n gs v o ca b u la ry a re ev id en t n ot
on ly in in tim ate r e la tio n sh ip s b u t a ls o in t h e pro fe ss io n al w orld . I w as o n ce
h ir e d to co n su lt w it h m em bers o f a te ch n olo gic a l d ep artm en t o f a la rg e
Sw is s c o rp ora tio n ; t h ey w ere t r o u ble d b y t h e dis c o ver y t h at w ork er s i n o th er
dep artm en ts w ere av o id in g th em . W hen ask ed , em plo yees fr o m oth er
dep artm en ts r e sp on ded , “ W e h ate go in g t h er e to c o n su lt w it h t h ose peo p le .
It’s li k e t a lk in g to a b u n ch o f m ach in es !” e pro blem a b ate d w hen I s p en t
tim e w it h t h e m em bers o f t h e t e ch n olo gic a l d ep artm en t, e n co u ra g in g t h em
to ex p re ss m ore o f th eir h u m an nes s in th ei r co m mun ic atio n s w it h co -
w ork ers .
In a n oth er in sta n ce, I w as w ork in g w it h h osp it a l a d m in is tr a to rs w ho
w ere a n xio u s a b ou t a fo rth co m in g m eetin g w it h th e hosp it a l’s p hysic ia n s.
e a d m in is tr a to rs w ere e a g er t o h av e m e dem on str a te h ow t h ey m ig h t u se NVC w hen a p pro ach in g th e p hysic ia n s fo r su pp ort fo r a p ro je ct th at h ad
o n ly r e ce n tly b een t u rn ed d ow n b y a v o te of 1 7 t o 1 .
A ssu m in g th e vo ic e o f an ad m in is tr a to r in a ro le- pla y in g ses sio n , I
o p en ed w it h , “ I’m f e eli n g f r ig h te n ed t o b e brin gin g u p t h is is su e.” I c h ose to
s ta rt th is w ay b ecau se I s e n se d h ow fr ig h ten ed th e ad m in is tr a to rs w er e as
th ey p re p are d t o c o n fr o n t t h e p hysic ia n s o n th is t o p ic a g ain . B efo re I c o u ld
c o n tin u e, o n e o f th e a d m in is tr a to rs sto p p ed m e to p ro tes t, “Y ou ’r e bei ng
un re a li s tic ! W e c o u ld n ev er t e ll t h e physic ia n s t h at w e w er e fr ig h ten ed .”
W hen I a sk ed w hy a n a d m is s io n o f f e ar s e em ed s o i m poss ib le , h e rep li e d
w it h ou t h esit a tio n , “ If w e a d m it t e d w e’r e fr ig h ten ed , th en th ey w ou ld ju st
p ic k u s t o p ie ce s!” H is a n sw er d id n’t s u rp ris e m e; I h av e o en h eard p eo p le
s a y th ey c a n not im ag in e e v er ex pres sin g fe eli n gs a t th ei r w ork p la ce. I w as
p le a se d to le arn , h ow ev er, t h at o n e of t h e ad m in is tr a to rs d id d ecid e to r is k
e x p re ss in g h is v u ln era b ili t y at th e dre a d ed m eetin g. D ep artin g fr o m h is
c u sto m ary m an ner o f a p p earin g s tr ic tly lo gic a l, r a tio n al, a n d u n em otio n al,
h e ch ose to sta te h is fe eli n gs to geth er w it h h is re a so n s fo r w an tin g th e
physic ia n s to ch an ge th eir posit io n . H e notic e d how diff er en tly th e
physic ia n s r e sp on ded t o h im . I n t h e en d h e was a m aze d a n d r e li e v ed w hen ,
in ste a d o f “p ic k in g h im to p ie ces ,” th e physic ia n s re v er se d th ei r p re v io u s
p osit io n a n d v o te d 1 7 to 1 to su pp ort th e pro je ct in ste a d . is d ra m atic
t u rn -a ro u n d h elp ed th e a d m in is tr a to rs r e a li z e a n d a p pre cia te th e poten tia l
im pact o f e x p re ss in g v u ln era b ili t y — ev en i n t h e w ork p la ce.
E xp re ssin g o u r v u ln era b ili t y c a n h elp r e so lv e c o n fl ic ts .
F in ally , le t m e sh are a p ers o n al in cid en t th at ta u gh t m e th e eff ects o f
h id in g o u r f e eli n gs. I w as t e a ch in g a c o u rs e in N VC t o a g ro u p o f in ner c it y
s tu den ts . W hen I w alk ed in to t h e ro om t h e rst d ay, t h e stu den ts , w ho h ad
b een e n jo yin g a li v ely c o n vers a tio n w it h e a ch o th er , b eca m e qu iet . “G ood
m orn in g!” I g re ete d . S ile n ce. I fe lt v er y u n co m fo rta b le , b u t w as a fr a id to
e x p re ss it . In ste a d , I p ro ce ed ed in m y m ost p ro fe ss io n al m an ner : “ F or th is
c la ss , w e w ill b e s tu dyin g a p ro ce ss o f c o m mun ic atio n th at I h op e yo u w ill
n d h elp fu l i n y o u r r e la tio n sh ip s a t h om e a n d w it h y o u r f r ien ds.”
I c o n tin u ed t o p re se n t i n fo rm atio n a b ou t N VC, b u t n o o n e s e em ed t o b e
li s te n in g. O ne g ir l, r u m mag in g t h ro u gh h er b ag , sh ed o u t a le an d b eg an vig o ro u sly li n g h er n ails . S tu den ts n ear th e win dow s g lu ed th ei r fa ces to
t h e p an es a s if fa sc in ate d b y w hat w as g o in g o n in th e str e et b elo w . I fe lt
i n cre a sin gly m ore u n co m fo rta b le , y et co n tin u ed to sa y n oth in g ab ou t it .
F in ally , a stu den t w ho h ad c e rta in ly m ore c o u ra g e t h an I w as d em on str a tin g,
p ip ed u p, “ Y ou ju st h ate b ein g w it h b la ck p eo p le , d on’t y o u ?” I w as s tu n ned ,
yet im med ia te ly r e a li z e d h ow I h ad c o n tr ib u te d t o t h is s tu den t’s p er cep tio n
by t r y in g t o h id e m y d is c o m fo rt.
“ I a m fe eli n g n erv o u s,” I a d m it t e d , “ b u t n ot b ecau se yo u a re bla ck . M y
fe eli n gs h av e to d o w it h m y n ot k n ow in g a n yo n e her e an d w an tin g to b e
acce p te d w hen I c a m e in th e r o om .” M y ex pres sio n o f v u ln er ab ili t y h ad a
p ro n ou n ce d e ff ec t o n t h e s tu den ts . ey s ta rte d to a sk q u es tio n s a b ou t m e,
to t e ll m e t h in gs a b ou t t h em se lv es, a n d t o ex pres s c u rio sit y a b ou t N VC. Feeli n gs v ersu s N on -F eeli n gs
A c o m mon c o n fu sio n , g en era te d b y t h e Engli s h la n gu ag e, is o u r u se of t h e
w ord fe el w it h ou t a ctu ally e x p re ss in g a f e eli n g. F or ex am ple , i n t h e sen ten ce,
“I fe el I d id n’t g et a fa ir d ea l,” th e word s I fe el c o u ld b e m ore a cc u ra te ly
r e p la ce d w it h I th in k. In g en era l, fe eli n gs a re n ot b ein g c le arly ex pres se d
w hen t h e w ord fe el i s f o llo w ed b y:
1. W ord s s u ch a s th at, l i k e, a s i f :
“ I f e el t h at y o u s h ou ld k n ow b ett e r.”
“ I f e el li k e a f a ilu re .”
“ I f e el a s i f I ’m l i v in g w it h a w all.”
2. e p ro n ou n s I , y o u , h e, s h e, t h ey, i t :
“ I f e el I a m c o n sta n tly o n c a ll.”
“ I f e el i t i s u se le ss .”
3. N am es o r n ou n s r e fe rrin g t o p eo p le:
“ I f e el A m y h as b een p re tt y r e sp on sib le .”
“ I f e el m y b oss i s b ein g m an ip u la tiv e.”
D is tin gu is h f e eli n gs f r o m t h ou gh ts .
C on vers e ly , in t h e E ngli s h la n gu ag e, it is n ot n ece ss a ry to u se th e word
fe el a t a ll w hen w e a re a ctu ally e x p res sin g a fe eli n g: w e c a n s a y, “ I’m fe eli n g
ir rit a te d ,” o r s im ply , “ I’m i r rit a te d .”
D is tin gu is h b etw een w hat w e f e el a n d w hat w e t h in k w e
are .
In N VC, w e d is tin gu is h b etw een w ord s th at ex pres s a ctu al fe eli n gs a n d
th ose t h at d esc rib e w hat w e th in k w e are .
1. D esc rip tio n o f w hat w e th in k w e are : “I fe el i n ad eq u ate as a g u it a r
p la y er.” In t h is s ta te m en t, I a m a ss e ss in g m y a b ili t y a s a g u it a r p la y er, r a th er
th an c le arly e x p re ss in g m y f e eli n gs.
2. E xp re ss io n s o f a ctu al f e eli n gs:
“ I f e el d is a pp oin te d i n m yse lf a s a g u it a r p la y er.”
“ I f e el i m patie n t w it h m yse lf a s a g u it a r p la y er.”
“ I f e el f r u str a te d w it h m yse lf a s a g u it a r p la y er.”
e actu al fe eli n g b eh in d m y ass es sm en t o f m yse lf as “in ad eq u ate ”
c o u ld th ere fo re b e d is a p p oin tm en t, im patien ce, fr u str a tio n , o r so m e
oth er e m otio n .
Lik ew is e , it is h elp fu l to d iff ere n tia te b et ween w ord s t h at d esc rib e what
w e t h in k o th ers a re d oin g a ro u n d u s, a n d w ord s t h at d es crib e actu al f e eli n gs.
e fo llo w in g are ex am ple s of sta te m en ts th at are ea sily m is ta k en as
ex p re ss io n s o f fe eli n gs: in fa ct th ey re v ea l m ore h ow w e th in k o th ers a re
b eh avin g t h an w hat w e a re a ctu ally f e eli n g o u rs e lv es .
D is tin gu is h b etw een w hat w e fe el an d h ow w e th in k
oth ers r e a ct o r b eh av e t o w ard u s.
1. “ I f e el u nim porta n t t o t h e p eo p le w it h w hom I w ork .”
e w ord unim porta n t d esc rib es h ow I t h in k o th ers a re ev alu atin g m e,
ra th er th an a n a ctu al fe eli n g, w hic h in th is s it u atio n m ig h t b e “I fe el
sa d” o r “ I f e el d is c o u ra ged .”
2. “ I f e el m is u n dersto od .”
H ere th e w ord m is u n dersto od in dic ate s m y ass e ss m en t o f th e o th er
p ers o n’s le v el o f u n dersta n din g ra th er th an a n a ctu al fe eli n g. In th is
s it u atio n , I m ay b e f e eli n g a n xio u s o r a n n oyed o r s o m e o th er e m otio n .
3. 3 . “ I f e el i g n ore d .”
A gain , t h is is m ore o f a n in te rp ret atio n o f t h e actio n s o f o th er s t h an a
c le ar s ta te m en t o f h ow w e a re f e eli n g. N o d ou bt t h er e hav e been t im es
we th ou gh t w e w ere b ein g ig n ore d a n d o u r fe eli n g w as re li e f, b ecau se
w e w an te d to b e le to o u rs e lv es. N o d ou bt th er e were oth er tim es,
how ev er, w hen w e fe lt h u rt w hen w e th ou gh t w e w ere b ein g ig n ore d ,
becau se w e h ad w an te d t o b e i n vo lv ed . Word s li k e ig n ore d e x p re ss h ow w e in te rp re t o th ers, r a th er th an h ow w e
fe el. H ere i s a s a m pli n g o f s u ch w ord s: a b an don ed
a b u se d
att a ck ed
b etr a y ed
b oxed -in
b u lli e d
ch eate d
co erc e d
co -o p te d
co rn ere d
d im in is h ed
d is tr u ste d
in te rr u pte d
in tim id ate d
le t d ow n
m an ip u la te d
m is u n dersto od
n eg le c te d
o verw ork ed
p atr o n iz e d
p re ssu re d
p ro vo ked
p u t d ow n
re je c te d
ta k en f o r g ra n te d
th re ate n ed
u n ap pre cia te d
u n heard
u n se en
u n su pp orte d
u nw an te d
u se d Build in g a V oca b u la ry f o r F eeli n gs
In ex p re ss in g ou r fe eli n gs, it help s to use word s th at ref er to sp eci c
em otio n s, r a th er th an w ord s th at a re vag u e or g en er al. F or ex am ple , if w e
sa y, “I fe el g o od ab ou t th at,” th e word go od co u ld m ean h ap py, ex cit e d ,
re li e v ed , o r a n u m ber o f o th er em otio n s. W ord s su ch as g o od an d ba d
p re v en t t h e li s te n er f r o m c o n nec tin g e a sily w it h w hat w e m ig h t a ctu ally b e
fe eli n g.
e f o llo w in g li s ts h av e b een c o m pile d t o h elp y o u in cre a se yo u r p ow er
to a rtic u la te f e eli n gs a n d c le arly d es crib e a w hole ra n ge o f em otio n al s ta tes .
How w e a re l i k ely t o f e el w hen o u r n eed s a re b ein g m et a b so rb ed
a d ven tu ro u s
aff ec tio n ate
a le rt
a li v e
am aze d
a m use d
a n im ate d
ap pre cia tiv e
ard en t
aro u se d
a sto n is h ed
b li s s fu l
bre ath le ss
b u oyan t
ca lm
c a re fr e e
ch eerfu l
co m fo rta b le
c o m pla ce n t
co m pose d
co n ce rn ed
co n den t
co n te n te d co ol
cu rio u s
d azzle d
d eli g h te d
e a g er
eb u lli e n t
ecsta tic
e ff erv esc e n t
ela te d
en ch an te d
en co u ra g ed
en erg etic
e n gro ss e d
en li v en ed
en th u sia stic
e x cit e d
ex h ila ra te d
ex p an siv e
ex p ec ta n t
ex u lt a n t
fa sc in ate d
fr e e
fr ie n dly
f u l lle d
g la d
g le efu l
glo rio u s
glo w in g
go od -h u m ore d
g ra te fu l
gra ti ed
h ap py
h elp fu l
hop efu l
in qu is it iv e
in sp ir e d in te n se
in te re ste d
in tr ig u ed
in vig o ra te d
in vo lv ed
jo yo u s, j o yfu l
ju bila n t
key ed -u p
lo vin g
m ello w
m err y
m ir th fu l
m oved
o p tim is tic
o verjo yed
o verw helm ed
p ea ce fu l
perk y
p le a sa n t
ple a se d
p ro u d
qu ie t
ra d ia n t
ra p tu ro u s
re fr e sh ed
re la x ed
re li e v ed
sa tis ed
se c u re
s e n sit iv e
se re n e
sp ellb ou n d
sp le n did
s tim ula te d
su rp ris e d
te n der th an kfu l
th rille d
to u ch ed
tr a n qu il
t r u stin g
upbeat
w arm
w id e-a w ak e
w on derfu l
ze stfu l
H ow w e a re l i k ely t o f e el w hen o u r n eed s a re n ot b ein g m et a fr a id
a g gra v ate d
a g it a te d
a la rm ed
a lo of
an gry
a n gu is h ed
a n noyed
a n xio u s
ap ath etic
a p pre h en siv e
aro u se d
a sh am ed
b eat
b ew ild ere d
b it t e r
b la h
b lu e b ore d
b ro ken hearte d
ch ag rin ed
co ld
c o n ce rn ed
co n fu se d
co ol
cro ss deje c te d
d ep re ss e d
d esp air in g
desp on den t
d eta ch ed
d is a ff ec te d
d is a p p oin te d
d is c o u ra g ed
d is e n ch an te d
d is g ru ntle d
d is g u ste d
d is h earte n ed
d is m ay ed
d is p le a se d
d is q u ie te d
d is tr e ss e d
d is tu rb ed
d ow nca st
d ow nhearte d
d u ll
e d gy
em barra ss e d
em bit t e re d
ex asp era te d
ex h au ste d
fa tig u ed
fe arfu l
dgety
fo rlo rn
fr ig h te n ed
fr u str a te d
fu rio u s
glo om y
gu ilt y
h arrie d
h eav y help le ss
h esit a n t
h orrib le
h orri ed
h ostile
h ot
h u m dru m
hu rt
im patie n t
in diff ere n t
in te n se
ir a te
ir k ed
ir rit a te d
je a lo u s
jit t e ry
k ey ed -u p
la zy
le ery
le th arg ic
li s tle ss
lo n ely
m ad
m ean
m is e ra b le
m op ey
m oro se
m ou rn fu l
n erv o u s
n ett le d
n u m b
overw helm ed
p an ic k y
p ass iv e
p erp le x ed
p ess im is tic pu zzle d
ra n co ro u s
re lu cta n t
re p elle d
re se n tfu l
re stle ss
s a d
sc a re d
se n sit iv e
sh ak y
sh ock ed
sk ep tic a l
sle ep y
so rro w fu l
so rr y
sp ir it le ss
sta rtle d
su rp ris e d
su sp ic io u s
te p id
t e rri ed
tir e d
tr o u ble d
u n co m fo rta b le
u n co n ce rn ed
u n ea sy
u n glu ed
u n hap py
u n nerv ed
u n ste a d y
up se t
u ptig h t
vex ed
w eary
w is tfu l
w it h dra w n woefu l
w orrie d
w re tc h ed Su m mary
e se co n d co m pon en t n ece ss a ry fo r ex pres sin g o u rs e lv es is fe eli n gs. B y
dev elo p in g a v o ca b u la ry o f fe eli n gs t h at a llo w s u s t o c le arly a n d s p eci ca lly
n am e or id en tif y ou r em otio n s, w e ca n co n nect m ore ea sily w it h on e
an oth er. A llo w in g o u rs e lv es t o b e vu ln er ab le by ex pres sin g o u r fe eli n gs c a n
h elp re so lv e c o n ic ts . N VC d is tin gu is h es th e ex pres sio n o f a ctu al fe eli n gs
fr o m w ord s an d sta te m en ts th at des crib e th ou gh ts , ass es sm en ts , an d
in te rp re ta tio n s. Exerc is e 2
E X PR ESSIN G F E ELIN GS
If yo u w ou ld li k e to se e w heth er w e’r e in ag re em ent ab ou t th e ver bal
ex p re ss io n o f fe eli n gs, c ir c le th e n u m ber in fr o n t o f e a ch o f th e fo llo w in g
sta te m en ts i n w hic h f e eli n gs a re v er bally ex pres se d .
1. “ I f e el y o u d on’t l o ve m e.”
2. “ I’m s a d t h at y o u ’r e l e av in g.”
3. “ I f e el s c a re d w hen y o u s a y t h at.”
4. “ W hen y o u d on’t g re et m e, I f e el n eg le cte d .”
5. “ I’m h ap py t h at y o u c a n c o m e.”
6. “ Y ou ’r e d is g u stin g.”
7. “ I f e el l i k e h it t in g y o u .”
8. “ I f e el m is u n dersto od .”
9. “ I f e el g o od a b ou t w hat y o u d id f o r m e.”
1 0 . “ I’m w orth le ss .”
H ere are m y r e sp on se s f o r E xerc is e 2:
1. I f y o u c ir c le d t h is n u m ber, w e’r e n ot i n a g re em ent. I d on’t c o n sid er “ y o u
d on’t lo ve m e” to b e a fe eli n g. T o m e, it ex pres ses w hat th e sp ea k er
th in ks th e o th er p ers o n is fe eli n g, ra th er th an h ow th e sp ea k er is
f e eli n g. W hen ev er t h e w ord s I f e el a re f o llo w ed b y t h e w ord s I , y o u , h e,
sh e, t h ey, it , th at, li k e, o r a s if, w hat fo llo w s is g en era lly n ot w hat I
w ou ld c o n sid er to b e a fe eli n g. A n ex pres sio n o f fe eli n g in th is c a se
m ig h t b e: “ I’m s a d ,” o r “ I’m f e eli n g a n gu is h ed .”
2. I f yo u cir c le d th is n u m ber, w e’r e in ag re em ent th at a fe eli n g w as
v erb ally e x p re ss e d .
3. I f yo u cir c le d th is n u m ber, w e’r e in ag re em ent th at a fe eli n g w as
v erb ally e x p re ss e d . 4. I f y o u c ir c le d th is n u m ber, w e’r e not in a g re em ent. I d on’t c o n sid er
“n eg le c te d ” t o b e a f e eli n g. T o m e, it ex pres ses w hat t h e sp ea k er t h in ks
th e o th er p ers o n i s d oin g t o h im o r h er . A n e x p res sio n o f f e eli n g m ig h t
b e: “ W hen y o u d on’t g re et m e a t t h e door, I f e el l o n ely .”
5. I f yo u cir c le d th is n u m ber, w e’r e in ag re em ent th at a fe eli n g w as
v erb ally e x p re ss e d .
6. I f y o u c ir c le d th is n u m ber, w e’r e not in a g re em ent. I d on’t c o n sid er
“d is g u stin g” t o b e a f e eli n g. T o m e, it ex pres ses h ow t h e sp ea k er t h in ks
ab ou t th e o th er p ers o n , ra th er th an h ow th e sp ea k er is fe eli n g. A n
ex p re ss io n o f f e eli n g m ig h t b e: “ I f e el d is g u ste d .”
7. I f y o u c ir c le d t h is n u m ber, w e’r e n ot i n a g re em ent. I d on’t c o n sid er “ li k e
h it t in g yo u ” to b e a fe eli n g. T o m e, it ex pres ses w hat th e sp ea k er
im ag in es d oin g, r a th er th an h ow th e sp ea k er is fe eli n g. A n ex pres sio n
o f f e eli n g m ig h t b e: “ I a m f u rio u s a t y o u .”
8. I f y o u c ir c le d th is n u m ber, w e’r e not in a g re em ent. I d on’t c o n sid er
“m is u n dersto od” to b e a fe eli n g. T o m e, it ex pres ses w hat th e sp ea k er
th in ks th e o th er p ers o n is d oin g. A n ex pres sio n o f fe eli n g in th is c a se
m ig h t b e: “ I f e el f r u str a te d ,” o r “ I f e el d is c o u ra g ed .”
9. I f yo u cir c le d th is n u m ber, w e’r e in ag re em ent th at a fe eli n g w as
v erb ally ex p re ss e d . H ow ev er, th e w ord go od is v ag u e w hen u se d to
c o n vey a fe eli n g. W e c a n u su ally e x p res s o u r fe eli n gs m ore cle arly b y
u sin g o th er w ord s, f o r e x am ple : r e li e v ed , g ra tifi ed , o r e n co u ra ged .
10 . I f y o u c ir c le d th is n u m ber, w e’r e not in a g re em ent. I d on’t c o n sid er
“w orth le ss” t o b e a fe eli n g. T o m e, it e x p res ses h ow t h e sp ea k er t h in ks
ab ou t h im se lf o r h ers e lf , ra th er th an h ow th e sp ea k er is fe eli n g. A n
ex p re ss io n o f fe eli n g in th is c a se m ig h t b e: “ I fe el s k ep tic a l a b ou t m y
ow n t a le n ts ,” o r “ I f e el w re tc h ed .” 5
Takin g R esp on sib ili t y f o r O ur F eeli n gs
P eo p le are dis tu rb ed n ot b y t h in gs, b u t b y t h e vie w t h ey t a ke of t h em .
—Epic te tu s T
Hea rin g a N eg ativ e M ess a g e: F ou r O ptio n s
he t h ir d c o m pon en t o f N VC e n ta ils t h e ack n ow le d gm en t o f t h e ro ot o f
o u r f e eli n gs. N VC h eig h te n s o u r a w aren ess t h at w hat o th er s s a y a n d d o
m ay b e th e stim ulu s, b u t n ev er th e ca u se , o f o u r fe eli n gs. W e s e e th at o u r
fe eli n gs r e su lt f r o m h ow w e ch oose t o r e ce iv e w hat o th ers s a y a n d d o, a s w ell
a s fr o m o u r p artic u la r n eed s a n d ex pecta tio n s in th at m om en t. W it h th is
t h ir d co m pon en t, w e are le d to acce p t res pon sib ili t y fo r w hat w e do to
g en era te o u r o w n f e eli n gs.
W hat o th ers d o m ay b e t h e s tim ulu s o f o u r f e eli n gs, b u t
n ot t h e c a u se .
W hen so m eo n e giv es us a neg ativ e messa g e, w het her ver bally or
n on verb ally , w e h av e fo u r o p tio n s a s to h ow to r e ce iv e it . O ne op tio n is to
t a k e it p ers o n ally b y h earin g b la m e a n d c rit ic is m . F or ex am ple , s o m eo n e is
a n gry an d sa y s, “Y ou ’r e th e m ost se lf - c e n ter ed p er so n I’v e ev er m et!” If
c h oosin g to ta k e it p ers o n ally , w e m ig h t r e a ct: “ O h, I s h ou ld ’v e been m ore
s e n sit iv e!” W e a cce p t t h e o th er p er so n’s ju dgm en t a n d b la m e ou rs e lv es . W e
ch oose t h is o p tio n at g re at c o st to o u r s e lf - e ste em , fo r it in cli n es u s to w ard
fe eli n gs o f g u ilt , s h am e, a n d d ep res sio n .
F ou r o p tio n s fo r r e ce iv in g n eg ativ e m ess a g es: 1. b la m e
ou rse lv es.
A se co n d o p tio n is to fa u lt th e sp ea k er . F or ex am ple , in res pon se to
“ Y ou ’r e t h e m ost s e lf - c e n te re d p er so n I ’v e ev er m et,” w e m ig h t p ro tes t: “ Y ou
h av e n o r ig h t t o s a y t h at! I a m a lw ay s c o n sid er in g y o u r n eed s. Y ou ’r e th e on e
w ho is r e a lly s e lf - c e n te re d .” W hen w e re ce iv e m essa g es t h is w ay, a n d b la m e
th e s p ea k er, w e a re l i k ely t o f e el a n ger.
2 . b la m e o th ers. When r e ce iv in g n eg ativ e m ess a g es, o u r th ir d o p tio n w ou ld b e to s h in e
th e li g h t o f c o n sc io u sn ess o n o u r o w n fe eli n gs a n d n eed s. us, w e m ig h t
re p ly , “ W hen I h ear y o u s a y t h at I a m t h e m ost s e lf - c e n ter ed p er so n y o u ’v e
ev er m et, I fe el h u rt, b ecau se I n eed s o m e r e co gn it io n o f m y eff orts to b e
co n sid era te o f y o u r p re fe re n ce s.” B y fo cu sin g a tt en tio n o n o u r o w n fe eli n gs
an d n eed s, w e b eco m e c o n sc io u s th at o u r c u rren t fe eli n g o f h u rt d er iv es
fr o m a n eed f o r o u r e ff orts t o b e r e co gn iz e d .
3 . s e n se o u r o w n f e eli n gs a n d n eed s.
F in ally , a fo u rth o p tio n o n r e ce iv in g a n eg ativ e m essa g e is to s h in e th e
li g h t o f c o n sc io u sn ess o n th e o th er p ers o n’s fe eli n gs a n d n eed s a s th ey a re
c u rre n tly ex p re ss e d . W e m ig h t fo r ex am ple ask , “A re yo u fe eli n g hu rt
b ecau se y o u n eed m ore c o n sid era tio n f o r y o u r p ref er en ce s? ”
4 . s e n se o th ers’ f e eli n gs a n d n eed s.
W e a cce p t r e sp on sib ili t y f o r o u r f e eli n gs, r a th er t h an b la m e oth er p eo p le ,
b y a ck n ow le d gin g o u r o w n n eed s, d esir es , e x p ecta tio n s, v alu es , o r t h ou gh ts .
N ote t h e d iff ere n ce b etw een t h e f o llo w in g ex pres sio n s o f d is a p p oin tm en t:
E xam ple 1
A : “ Y ou d is a p p oin te d m e b y n ot c o m in g o ver l a st e v en in g.”
B : “ I w as d is a p p oin te d w hen y o u d id n’t c o m e o ver , b ecau se I w an te d to
t a lk o ver s o m e t h in gs t h at w ere b oth er in g m e.”
S p ea k er A att r ib u te s re sp on sib ili t y fo r his dis a p p oin tm en t so le ly to
a n oth er p ers o n’s a ctio n . S p ea k er B t r a ces h is f e eli n g o f d is a p p oin tm en t t o h is
o w n u n fu l lle d d esir e .
E xam ple 2
A : “ eir c a n celli n g t h e c o n tr a ct r e a lly i r rit a te d m e!”
B: “ W hen t h ey c a n celle d t h e c o n tr a ct, I fe lt r e a lly ir rit a te d b ecau se I w as
th in kin g t o m yse lf t h at i t w as a n a w fu lly i r res pon sib le th in g t o d o.” Sp ea k er A a tt r ib u te s h er ir rit a tio n so le ly to th e beh av io r o f th e oth er
party , where a s Sp ea k er B accep ts res pon sib ili t y fo r her fe eli n g by
ack n ow le d gin g t h e t h ou gh t b eh in d it . S h e re co gn iz e s t h at h er b la m in g w ay
o f th in kin g h as g en era te d h er ir rit a tio n . In N VC, h ow ev er , w e w ou ld u rg e
th is s p ea k er to g o a s te p fu rth er b y id en tif y in g w hat s h e is w an tin g: w hat
n eed , d esir e , e x p ec ta tio n , h op e, o r v alu e of h er s h as n ot b een f u l lle d ? A s w e
sh all s e e, t h e m ore w e a re a b le t o c o n nect o u r f e eli n gs t o o u r o w n n eed s, t h e
ea sie r it is fo r o th ers to r e sp on d c o m pass io n ate ly . T o r e la te h er fe eli n gs to
w hat s h e is w an tin g, S p ea k er B m ig h t h av e sa id : “ W hen th ey c a n celle d th e
co n tr a ct, I fe lt re a lly ir rit a te d b ecau se I w as h op in g fo r a n o p p ortu n it y to
r e h ir e t h e w ork ers w e l a id o ff l a st y ear.”
I t i s h elp fu l t o r e co gn iz e a n u m ber o f c o m mon s p eech p att er ns t h at t en d
to m ask a cco u nta b ili t y f o r o u r o w n f e eli n gs:
1. U se o f i m pers o n al p ro n ou n s s u ch a s it a n d th at:
“ It re a lly in fu ria te s m e w hen sp elli n g m is ta k es a p p ear in o u r p u bli c
b ro ch u re s.” “ at b u gs m e a l o t.”
2. e u se o f t h e e x p re ss io n “ I f e el ( a n em otio n ) b ecau se … ” f o llo w ed b y
a p ers o n o r p ers o n al p ro n ou n o th er t h an I:
“I fe el h u rt b ecau se y o u s a id y o u d on’t lo ve m e.” “ I fe el a n gry b ecau se
th e s u p erv is o r b ro ke h er p ro m is e .”
3. S ta te m en ts t h at m en tio n o n ly t h e a ctio n s o f o th er s:
“ W hen y o u d on’t ca ll m e o n m y b ir th d ay, I fe el h u rt.” “M om my is
d is a p p oin te d w hen y o u d on’t n is h y o u r f o od .”
I n e a ch o f th ese in sta n ce s, w e c a n d eep en o u r a w aren ess o f o u r o w n
re sp on sib ili t y by su bstit u tin g th e ph ra se , “I fe el … b ecau se I … ” F or
ex am ple :
C on nect y o u r f e eli n g w it h y o u r n eed : “ I f e el … b eca u se I
n eed … ”
1. “ I fe el r e a lly in fu ria te d w hen s p elli n g m is ta k es li k e th at a p p ear in o u r
pu bli c b ro ch u re s, b eca u se I w an t o u r c o m pan y t o p ro je c t a p ro fe ss io n al
im ag e.” 2. “ I fe el an gry th at th e su p erv is o r b ro ke h er p ro m is e , b eca u se I w as
co u ntin g o n g ett in g t h at l o n g w eek en d t o v is it m y b ro th er .”
3. “ M om my fe els d is a p p oin te d w hen y o u d on’t n is h y o u r fo od , b eca u se I
w an t y o u t o g ro w u p s tr o n g a n d h ea lt h y.”
e basic m ech an is m of m otiv atin g by gu ilt is to att r ib u te th e
re sp on sib ili t y fo r o n e’s o w n fe eli n gs to o th er s. W hen p aren ts s a y, “ It h u rts
M om my a n d D ad dy w hen y o u g et p oor g ra d es a t s c h ool,” t h ey a re im ply in g
th at th e ch ild ’s actio n s are th e cau se of th e paren ts ’ hap pin es s or
u n hap pin ess . O n t h e s u rfa ce, t a k in g r es pon sib ili t y fo r t h e fe eli n gs o f o th er s
ca n e a sily b e m is ta k en f o r p osit iv e ca rin g. I t m ay a p p ear t h at t h e ch ild c a res
fo r th e p are n t a n d fe els b ad b ecau se th e paren t is su ff er in g. H ow ev er , if
c h ild re n w ho a ssu m e th is k in d o f res pon sib ili t y c h an ge th ei r b eh av io r in
a cco rd an ce w it h p are n ta l w is h es, th ey a re not a ctin g fr o m th e heart, b u t
actin g t o a v o id g u ilt .
D is tin gu is h b etw een g iv in g fr o m th e h ea rt a n d b ein g
m otiv ate d b y g u ilt . e N eed s a t t h e R oots o f F eeli n gs
Ju dgm en ts , crit ic is m s, dia g n oses , an d in ter pret atio n s of oth er s are all
a li e n ate d e x p re ss io n s o f o u r n eed s. I f s o m eo n e sa y s, “ Y ou n ev er u n der sta n d
m e,” t h ey a re r e a lly te lli n g u s t h at t h ei r n eed to b e un dersto od is n ot b ei ng
fu l lle d . I f a w if e s a y s, “ Y ou ’v e b een w ork in g la te ev er y n ig h t t h is w eek ; y o u
lo ve y o u r w ork m ore th an y o u lo ve m e,” sh e is sa y in g th at h er n ee d fo r
in tim acy i s n ot b ein g m et.
J u dgm en ts o f o th ers are a li e n ate d ex p re ssio n s o f o u r
ow n u n m et n eed s.
W hen w e e x p re ss o u r n eed s in dir e ctly th ro u gh th e use of e v alu atio n s,
in te rp re ta tio n s, a n d im ag es, o th er s a re li k ely to h ear c rit ic is m . A nd w hen
p eo p le h ear a n yth in g th at so u n ds li k e c rit ic is m , th ey te n d to in ves t th ei r
en erg y in se lf - d efe n se o r co u nter att a ck . If w e wis h fo r a co m pass io n ate
r e sp on se f r o m o th ers , i t i s s e lf - d efe atin g t o e x p res s o u r n eed s b y i n ter pret in g
or d ia g n osin g t h eir b eh av io r. I n ste a d , t h e m ore dir e ctly w e ca n c o n nect o u r
fe eli n gs to o u r o w n n eed s, th e ea sier it is fo r o th er s to res pon d to u s
co m pass io n ate ly .
I f w e ex p re ss o u r n eed s, w e h av e a b ett e r ch an ce o f
gett in g t h em m et.
U nfo rtu n ate ly , m ost o f u s h av e n ev er b een ta u gh t to th in k in ter m s o f
n eed s. W e a re a cc u sto m ed t o t h in kin g a b ou t w hat’s w ro n g w it h o th er p eo p le
w hen o u r n eed s a re n ’t b ein g f u l lle d . us, i f w e w an t c o ats t o b e hu n g u p i n
t h e c lo se t, w e m ay c h ara cte riz e o u r c h ild ren a s la zy f o r le av in g t h em o n t h e
co u ch . O r w e m ay i n te rp re t o u r c o -w ork er s a s i r res pon sib le w hen t h ey d on’t
g o a b ou t t h eir t a sk s t h e w ay w e w ou ld p ref er t h em t o .
I w as o n ce in vit e d to S o u th ern C ali f o rn ia to m ed ia te b et ween so m e
la n dow ners an d m ig ra n t fa rm work er s whose co n ic ts had gro w n
in cre a sin gly h ostile a n d v io le n t. I b eg an th e m eet in g b y a sk in g th es e tw o qu estio n s: “ W hat is it t h at y o u a re ea ch n eed in g? A nd w hat w ou ld y o u li k e
to r e q u est o f t h e o th er i n r e la tio n t o t h es e need s? ”
“ e p ro ble m is th at th ese p eo p le are ra cis t!” sh ou te d a fa rm w ork er .
“ e p ro ble m is th at th ese p eo p le don’t r es pect la w a n d o rd er !” s h ou te d a
la n dow ner e v en m ore lo u d ly . A s is o en th e ca se , th es e gro u p s w er e m ore
s k ille d in an aly zin g th e perc e iv ed w ro n gn es s of oth er s th an in cle arly
e x p re ss in g t h eir o w n n eed s.
In a co m para b le sit u atio n , I o n ce m et w it h a gro u p o f Is r a eli s an d
Pale stin ia n s w ho w an te d to e sta b li s h th e mutu al tr u st n eces sa ry to b rin g
pea ce to th eir h om ela n ds. I o p en ed th e ses sio n w it h th e sa m e qu es tio n s,
“ W hat is it y o u a re n eed in g a n d w hat w ou ld y o u li k e to r e q u es t fr o m o n e
an oth er in r e la tio n to th ose n eed s? ” In ste a d o f d ir e ctly s ta tin g h is n eed s, a
P ale stin ia n m ukh ta r ( w ho i s l i k e a v illa g e m ay o r) a n sw ere d , “ Y ou p eo p le are
a ctin g li k e a b u n ch o f N azis .” A s ta te m en t li k e th at is n ot li k ely to g et th e
co op era tio n o f a g ro u p o f Is r a eli s ! A lm ost im med ia te ly , a n Is r a eli w om an
ju m ped u p a n d c o u nte re d , “ M ukh ta r, t h at w as a t o ta lly in sen sit iv e th in g f o r
yo u t o s a y !”
H ere w ere p eo p le w ho h ad c o m e to geth er to b u ild tr u st a n d h arm on y,
b u t a er o n ly o n e in te rc h an ge, m att er s w er e wors e th an b ef ore th ey b eg an .
is h ap p en s o en w hen p eo p le are use d to a n aly zin g a n d b la m in g o n e
an oth er ra th er th an cle arly ex p res sin g w hat th ey n eed . In th is ca se , th e
w om an c o u ld h av e r e sp on ded t o t h e m ukh ta r i n t e rm s o f h er o w n n eed s a n d
re q u ests b y s a y in g, f o r e x am ple , “ I a m n eed in g m ore res pect i n o u r d ia lo gu e.
In ste a d o f t e lli n g u s h ow y o u t h in k w e are actin g, w ou ld y o u t e ll u s w hat i t i s
w e a re d oin g t h at y o u n d d is tu rb in g?”
It h as b een m y e x p erie n ce o ver a n d o ver a g ain th at fr o m th e m om en t
peo p le b eg in ta lk in g a b ou t w hat th ey n eed r a th er th an w hat’s w ro n g w it h
o n e a n oth er, th e p oss ib ili t y o f n din g w ay s to m eet e v er yb o d y’s n eed s is
g re atly in cre a se d . e fo llo w in g a re so m e o f th e basic h u m an n eed s w e all
s h are :
A uto n om y
to c h oose o n e’s d re am s, g o als , v alu es
to c h oose o n e’s p la n f o r f u l lli n g o n e’s d re am s, g o als , v alu es
C ele b ra tio n to c ele b ra te t h e c re atio n o f l i f e a n d d re am s f u l lle d
to c ele b ra te l o ss e s: l o ved o n es, d re am s, et c. ( m ou rn in g)
In te g rit y
a u th en tic it y
c re ativ it y
m ean in g
se lf - w orth
I n te rd ep en den ce
a cce p ta n ce
ap pre cia tio n
clo se n ess
c o m mun it y
c o n sid era tio n
co n tr ib u tio n t o t h e e n ric h m en t o f l i f e (to ex ercis e on e’s p ow er b y g iv in g
th at w hic h c o n tr ib u te s t o l i f e )
em otio n al s a fe ty
e m path y
h on esty (th e e m pow erin g h on esty th at en ab les u s to le arn fr o m o u r
li m it a tio n s)
lo ve
re a ssu ra n ce
re sp ec t
su pp ort
tr u st
u n dersta n din g
w arm th
P la y
fu n
la u gh te r
S p ir it u al C om mun io n
b eau ty
h arm on y in sp ir a tio n
ord er
p ea ce
P hysic a l N urtu ra n ce
a ir
f o od
m ovem en t, e x erc is e
p ro te c tio n f r o m li f e -th re ate n in g f o rm s o f li f e: v ir u ses , b acter ia , in se cts ,
p re d ato ry a n im als
r e st
s e x u al e x p re ss io n
sh elt e r
to u ch
w ate r e P ain o f E xp re ssin g O ur N eed s v ersu s t h e P ain o f N ot
E xp re ssin g O ur N eed s
In a w orld w here w e’r e o en ju dged h arsh ly fo r id en tif y in g a n d re v ea li n g
ou r n eed s, d oin g so ca n b e very fr ig h ten in g. W om en , in p artic u la r, are
s u sc e p tib le to c rit ic is m . F or c e n tu ries , th e im ag e of th e lo vin g w om an h as
b een a ss o cia te d w it h s a cri ce a n d t h e den ia l o f o n e’s o w n n eed s t o t a k e ca re
o f o th ers . B ecau se w om en a re s o cia li z e d t o v ie w t h e ca ret ak in g o f o th er s a s
th eir h ig h est d u ty , t h ey o en l e arn t o i g n ore th ei r o w n n eed s.
A t o n e w ork sh op, w e d is c u ss e d w hat h ap p en s t o w om en w ho i n ter nali z e
su ch b eli e fs . ese w om en , i f t h ey a sk f o r w hat t h ey w an t, w ill o en d o s o i n
a w ay t h at b oth r e ec ts a n d r e in fo rc e s t h e beli ef s t h at t h ey h av e no g en uin e
rig h t to th eir n eed s an d th at t h eir n ee d s are u n im porta n t. F or ex am ple ,
b ecau se sh e is fe arfu l o f a sk in g fo r w hat sh e need s, a w om an m ay fa il to
s im ply s a y t h at s h e’s h ad a b u sy d ay, i s f e eli n g t ir e d , a n d w an ts s o m e tim e in
t h e e v en in g to h ers e lf ; in ste a d , h er w ord s c o m e o u t so u n din g li k e a leg al
ca se : “ Y ou k n ow I h av en ’t h ad a m om en t to m yse lf a ll d ay. I ir o n ed a ll th e
sh ir ts , d id th e w hole w eek ’s la u n dry, to ok th e dog to th e vet , m ad e din ner ,
pack ed t h e lu n ch es, a n d c a lle d a ll t h e nei gh bors a b ou t t h e blo ck m eet in g, s o
[im plo rin gly ] … s o h ow a b ou t i f y o u … ? ”
“N o!” c o m es th e s w i r e sp on se . H er p la in tiv e re q u es t e li c it s r es is ta n ce
ra th er t h an c o m pass io n f r o m h er li s ten ers. ey h av e diffi cu lt y h earin g a n d
valu in g t h e n eed s b eh in d h er p le a s, a n d f u rth er m ore re a ct n eg ativ ely t o h er
w ea k a tt e m pt t o a rg u e f r o m a p osit io n o f w hat s h e “s h ou ld ” g et o r “ d es er ves ”
to g et f r o m t h em . I n t h e e n d t h e sp ea k er is a g ain p er su ad ed t h at h er n eed s
d on’t m att e r, n ot r e a li z in g t h at t h ey w ere ex p res se d i n a w ay u n li k ely t o d ra w
a p osit iv e r e sp on se .
M y m oth er w as o n ce a t a w ork sh op w her e oth er w om en w er e dis c u ss in g
how f r ig h te n in g i t w as t o b e e x p res sin g t h ei r n eed s. S u dden ly s h e go t u p a n d
le th e ro om , an d d id n’t re tu rn fo r a lo n g tim e. S h e n ally re ap p eare d ,
lo okin g v ery p ale . I n t h e p re se n ce o f t h e gro u p, I a sk ed , “ M oth er , a re yo u a ll
r ig h t? ”
I f w e d on’t v a lu e o u r n eed s, o th ers m ay n ot e it h er. “Y es,” s h e a n sw ere d , “ b u t I ju st h ad a s u dden r e a li z atio n t h at’s v er y h ard
fo r m e t o t a k e i n .”
“ W hat’s t h at? ”
“I’v e ju st b eco m e a w are th at fo r th ir ty -s ix y ears , I w as a n gry w it h y o u r
fa th er f o r n ot m eetin g m y n eed s, a n d n ow I r e a li z e t h at I n ev er o n ce cle arly
t o ld h im w hat I n eed ed .”
M y m oth er’s r e v ela tio n w as a cc u ra te . N ot o n e t im e, t h at I c a n r em ember ,
did sh e c le arly e x p re ss h er n eed s to m y fa th er . S h e’d h in t a ro u n d a n d g o
th ro u gh a ll k in ds o f c o n vo lu tio n s, b u t n ev er w ou ld s h e ask d ir e ctly f o r w hat
sh e n eed ed .
W e t r ie d t o u n dersta n d w hy it w as s o h ard fo r h er t o h av e don e s o . M y
moth er gre w up in an eco n om ic a lly im pover is h ed fa m ily . Sh e re ca lle d
a sk in g fo r th in gs as a ch ild an d b ei ng ad m on is h ed b y h er b ro th er s an d
sis te rs , “ Y ou s h ou ld n’t a sk f o r t h at! Y ou k n ow we’r e p oor. D o y o u t h in k y o u
are th e o n ly p ers o n in th e fa m ily ?” E ven tu ally s h e gre w to fe ar th at a sk in g
fo r w hat s h e n eed ed w ou ld o n ly l e a d t o d is a p pro val a n d j u dgm en t.
S h e r e la te d a c h ild hood a n ecd ote ab ou t o n e o f h er s is te rs w ho h ad h ad
an a p p en dix o p era tio n a n d a erw ard s h ad b een g iv en a b eau tif u l l i t t le pu rs e
b y a n oth er s is te r. M y m oth er w as f o u rte en a t t h e tim e. O h, h ow s h e yearn ed
to h av e a n e x q u is it e ly b ea d ed p u rs e li k e h er s is te r’s , b u t s h e dare d n ot o p en
her m ou th . S o g u ess w hat? S h e fei gn ed a p ain in h er sid e an d w en t th e
w hole w ay w it h h er s to ry. H er f a m ily t o ok h er t o s e v er al d octo rs . ey w er e
un ab le to p ro du ce a d ia g n osis a n d s o o p te d fo r ex plo ra to ry s u rg er y. It h ad
b een a b old g am ble o n m y m oth er ’s p art, b u t it w ork ed — sh e was g iv en a n
id en tic a l li t t le p u rs e ! W hen s h e r e ce iv ed t h e co vet ed p u rs e , m y m oth er w as
ela te d d esp it e b ein g i n p hysic a l a g o n y f r o m t h e su rg ery. T w o n u rs es c a m e in
a n d o n e stu ck a th erm om ete r in h er m ou th . M y m oth er sa id , “U m mm,
um mm,” t o s h ow t h e p u rs e t o t h e s e co n d n u rs e , w ho a n sw ere d , “ O h, f o r m e?
W hy, th an k y o u !” a n d to ok th e p u rs e! M y m oth er w as a t a lo ss , a n d n ev er
gu re d o u t h ow to s a y, “ I d id n’t m ean to g iv e it to y o u . P le a se ret urn it to
m e.” H er s to ry p oig n an tly r e v ea ls h ow p ain fu l it c a n b e when p eo p le don’t
o p en ly a ck n ow le d ge t h eir n eed s. Fro m E m otio n al S la v er y t o E m otio n al L ib era tio n
In o u r d ev elo p m en t to w ard a sta te o f em otio n al li b er atio n , m ost o f u s
ex p erie n ce t h re e s ta g es i n t h e w ay w e re la te t o o th er s.
S ta g e 1 : In th is sta g e, w hic h I ref er to a s e m otio n al sla very, w e b eli e v e
o u rs e lv es r e sp on sib le f o r t h e f e eli n gs o f o th er s. W e th in k w e m ust c o n sta n tly
s tr iv e t o k eep e v ery o n e h ap py. I f t h ey d on’t a p p ear h ap py, w e f e el r es pon sib le
a n d c o m pelle d to d o s o m eth in g a b ou t it . is c a n e a sily le a d u s to s e e th e
very p eo p le w ho a re c lo se st t o u s a s b u rd en s.
T ak in g r e sp on sib ili t y f o r t h e f e eli n gs o f o th er s c a n b e ver y d etr im en ta l t o
in tim ate re la tio n sh ip s. I ro u tin ely h ear v aria tio n s o n th e fo llo w in g th em e:
“I’m r e a lly s c a re d t o b e i n a r e la tio n sh i p. E very t im e I s e e m y p artn er i n p ain
o r n eed in g s o m eth in g, I f e el o ver whelm ed . I f e el li k e I ’m in p ris o n , t h at I ’m
b ein g sm oth ere d — an d I ju st h av e to g et o u t o f th e re la tio n sh ip a s fa st a s
p oss ib le .” is re sp on se is c o m mon a m on g th ose who ex per ien ce lo ve as
d en ia l o f o n e’s o w n n eed s in o rd er t o a tt en d t o t h e need s o f t h e belo ved . I n
th e early day s of a re la tio n sh ip , partn ers ty p ic a lly re la te jo yfu lly an d
co m pass io n ate ly t o e a ch o th er o u t o f a s en se of f r e ed om . e re la tio n sh ip is
e x h ila ra tin g, sp on ta n eo u s, won der fu l. Even tu ally , how ev er , as th e
re la tio n sh ip b eco m es “ s e rio u s,” p artn ers m ay b eg in t o a ssu m e res pon sib ili t y
fo r e a ch o th er’s f e eli n gs.
F ir st sta g e: Em otio n al sla v er y. W e se e ou rse lv es
re sp on sib le f o r o th ers’ f e eli n gs.
If I w ere a p artn er w ho is c o n sc io u s o f d oin g t h is , I m ig h t a ck n ow le d ge
th e sit u atio n by ex p la in in g, “I ca n ’t bear it w hen I lo se myse lf in
r e la tio n sh ip s. W hen I s e e m y p artn er’s p ain , I lo se m e, a n d t h en I ju st h av e
to b re a k fr e e.” H ow ev er, if I h av e not r e a ch ed th is le v el o f a w aren ess, I a m
li k ely to b la m e m y p artn er fo r th e det er io ra tio n o f th e re la tio n sh ip . us I
m ig h t s a y, “ M y p artn er i s s o n eed y a n d d ep en den t i t ’s r e a lly s tr es sin g o u t o u r
re la tio n sh ip .”
I n s u ch a c a se , m y p artn er w ou ld d o w ell t o r ej ect t h e notio n t h at t h er e is
a n yth in g w ro n g w it h h er n eed s. I t w ou ld o n ly m ak e a b ad s it u atio n w ors e to acce p t t h at b la m e. I n ste a d , s h e c o u ld o ff er a n em path ic r es pon se to t h e pain
o f m y e m otio n al s la v ery : “ S o y o u n d y o u rs e lf i n p an ic . I t’s v er y h ard f o r y o u
to h old o n to th e d eep c a rin g a n d lo ve we’v e had w it h ou t tu rn in g it in to a
r e sp on sib ili t y , d u ty , o bli g atio n … . Y ou sen se yo u r fr e ed om clo sin g d ow n
becau se y o u th in k y o u co n sta n tly h av e to ta k e ca re of m e.” If, h ow ev er ,
in ste a d o f a n e m path ic r e sp on se , s h e sa y s, “A re yo u fe eli n g ten se becau se I
hav e b een m ak in g t o o m an y d em an ds o n y o u ?” t h en b oth o f u s a re li k ely t o
s ta y e n m esh ed in e m otio n al s la v ery, m ak in g it t h at m uch m ore diffi cu lt fo r
th e r e la tio n sh ip t o s u rv iv e.
S ta g e 2 : In th is s ta g e, w e b eco m e aw are of th e hig h c o sts o f a ssu m in g
re sp on sib ili t y fo r o th ers’ fe eli n gs a n d tr y in g to a cco m mod ate th em a t o u r
ow n e x p en se . W hen w e n otic e h ow m uch o f o u r li v es w e’v e m is s e d a n d h ow
li t t le w e h av e r e sp on ded to t h e c a ll o f o u r o w n s o u l, w e m ay g et a n gry. I r ef er
jo kin gly to th is sta g e as th e o b n ox io u s sta ge becau se w e te n d to w ard
o bn oxio u s co m men ts li k e, “ at’s y o u r p ro ble m ! I ’m n ot re sp on sib le fo r
yo u r fe eli n gs!” w hen p re se n te d w it h an oth er p er so n’s p ain . W e are cle ar
w hat w e a re n ot r e sp on sib le fo r, b u t h av e y et t o le arn h ow t o b e res pon sib le
t o o th ers i n a w ay t h at i s n ot e m otio n ally en sla v in g.
S eco n d s ta g e: e o b n oxio u s s ta g e. W e f e el a n gry ; w e n o
lo n ger w an t t o b e r e sp on sib le f o r o th ers’ f e eli n gs.
A s w e e m erg e fr o m th e s ta g e o f e m otio n al s la v er y, w e m ay c o n tin u e to
c a rr y r e m nan ts o f f e ar a n d g u ilt a ro u n d h av in g o u r o w n n eed s. us i t i s n ot
su rp ris in g t h at w e e n d u p e x p re ss in g o u r n eed s i n w ay s t h at s o u n d r ig id a n d
unyie ld in g to th e e ars o f o th ers . F or e x am ple , d u rin g a b re a k in o n e of m y
work sh op s, a y o u n g w om an e x p res se d ap pre cia tio n fo r th e in sig h ts sh e’d
g ain ed in to h er o w n sta te o f e m otio n al e n sla v em ent. W hen th e work sh op
re su m ed , I s u ggeste d a n a ctiv it y t o t h e gro u p. e sa m e yo u n g w om an t h en
decla re d ass e rtiv ely , “I’d ra th er do so m eth in g els e .” I sen se d sh e was
ex erc is in g her n ew fo u n d rig h t to ex p res s her n eed s— ev en if th ey ra n
co u nte r t o t h ose o f o th ers .
T o e n co u ra g e h er t o s o rt o u t w hat s h e wan te d , I a sk ed , “ D o y o u w an t t o
d o so m eth in g e ls e e v en if it c o n ic ts w it h m y n eed s? ” S h e th ou gh t fo r a
m om en t, a n d th en sta m mere d , “Y es … . e r … I m ean , n o.” H er c o n fu sio n re ec ts h ow , in th e o bn oxio u s sta g e, w e hav e yet to g ra sp th at em otio n al
li b era tio n e n ta ils m ore t h an s im ply a ss er tin g o u r o w n n eed s.
I re ca ll an in cid en t du rin g m y dau gh ter M arla ’s pass a g e to w ard
e m otio n al l i b era tio n . S h e h ad a lw ay s b een t h e “p er fe ct l i t t le gir l” w ho d en ie d
h er o w n n eed s t o c o m ply w it h t h e w is h es o f o th er s. W hen I b eca m e aw are of
h ow fr e q u en tly s h e s u ppre ss e d h er o w n d es ir es in o rd er to p le a se oth er s, I
ta lk ed t o h er a b ou t h ow I ’d e n jo y h earin g h er ex pres s h er n eed s m ore o en .
When w e rst b ro ach ed t h e s u bje ct, M arla c rie d . “ B ut, D ad dy, I d on’t w an t
to d is a p p oin t a n yb o d y!” s h e p ro tes te d h elp les sly . I t r ie d t o s h ow M arla h ow
h er h on esty w ou ld b e a g i m ore pre cio u s to o th er s th an a cco m mod atin g
th em to p re v en t t h eir u p se t. I a ls o c la ri ed w ay s s h e co u ld em path iz e wit h
p eo p le w hen t h ey w ere u p se t w it h ou t t a k in g r es pon sib ili t y f o r t h ei r f e eli n gs.
A sh ort tim e la te r, I s a w e v id en ce th at m y d au gh ter w as b eg in nin g to
e x p re ss h er n eed s m ore o p en ly . A ca ll ca m e fr o m h er sc h ool p rin cip al,
a p p are n tly d is tu rb ed b y a c o m mun ic atio n h e’d h ad w it h M arla , w ho h ad
arriv ed a t s c h ool w earin g o vera lls . “ M arla ,” h e’d s a id , “ y o u n g w om en d o n ot
d re ss t h is w ay.” T o w hic h M arla h ad r es pon ded , “ B ug o ff !”
H earin g th is w as cau se fo r cele b ra tio n : M arla had gra d u ate d fr o m
em otio n al s la v ery to o bn oxio u sn es s! S h e was le arn in g to e x p res s h er n eed s
an d r is k d ea li n g w it h t h e d is p le a su re of o th er s. S u re ly s h e had y et to a ss er t
her n eed s c o m fo rta b ly a n d i n a w ay t h at r es pecte d t h e need s o f o th er s, b u t I
t r u ste d t h is w ou ld o cc u r i n t im e.
S ta g e 3 : A t t h e t h ir d s ta g e, e m otio n al l i b era tio n , w e r e sp on d t o t h e n eed s
of o th ers o u t o f c o m pass io n , n ev er o u t o f fe ar, g u ilt , o r s h am e. O ur a ctio n s
are t h ere fo re f u l lli n g t o u s, a s w ell a s t o t h ose who r e ce iv e ou r eff orts . W e
acce p t f u ll r e sp on sib ili t y f o r o u r o w n in ten tio n s a n d a ctio n s, b u t n ot f o r t h e
fe eli n gs o f o th ers . A t th is s ta g e, w e are aw are th at w e ca n n ev er m eet o u r
ow n n eed s a t th e e x p en se o f o th er s. E m otio n al li b er atio n in vo lv es sta tin g
cle arly w hat w e n eed in a w ay t h at c o m mun ic ates w e are eq u ally c o n cer ned
th at th e n eed s o f o th ers b e fu l lle d . N VC is d esig n ed to su pp ort u s in
r e la tin g a t t h is l e v el.
ir d sta g e: Em otio n al li b era tio n . We ta k e
re sp on sib ili t y f o r o u r i n te n tio n s a n d a ctio n s. Su m mary
e th ir d c o m pon en t o f N VC is th e ack n ow le d gm en t o f th e need s b eh in d
ou r f e eli n gs. W hat o th ers s a y a n d d o m ay b e th e stim ulu s f o r, b u t n ev er t h e
cau se o f, o u r fe eli n gs. W hen so m eo n e co m mun ic ates n eg ativ ely , w e hav e
fo u r o p tio n s a s t o h ow t o r e ce iv e t h e m ess a g e: ( 1 ) b la m e ou rs e lv es , ( 2 ) b la m e
oth ers , (3 ) se n se o u r o w n fe eli n gs an d n eed s, (4 ) sen se th e fe eli n gs an d
need s h id den i n t h e o th er p ers o n’s n eg ativ e m essa g e.
Ju dgm en ts , crit ic is m s, d ia g n ose s, a n d in ter pret atio n s o f o th er s a re all
a li e n ate d ex p re ss io n s of ou r ow n n eed s an d valu es . W hen oth er s h ear
crit ic is m , th ey te n d to in vest th ei r e n er gy in s e lf - d ef en se or c o u nter att a ck .
e m ore d ir e c tly w e c a n c o n nect o u r fe eli n gs to o u r n eed s, t h e ea sier it is
f o r o th ers t o r e sp on d c o m pass io n ate ly .
In a w orld w here w e are o en harsh ly ju dged fo r id en tif y in g an d
re v ea li n g o u r n eed s, d oin g s o c a n b e ver y f r ig h ten in g, es pecia lly f o r w om en
who a re s o cia li z e d t o i g n ore t h eir o w n n eed s w hile c a rin g f o r o th er s.
In th e co u rs e of dev elo p in g em otio n al res pon sib ili t y , m ost of us
ex p erie n ce th re e sta g es: (1 ) “em otio n al sla v er y”— beli e v in g ou rs e lv es
re sp on sib le fo r th e fe eli n gs o f o th er s, (2 ) “ th e obn oxio u s s ta g e” — in w hic h
w e re fu se to ad m it to ca rin g w hat an yo n e els e fe els o r n ee d s, an d (3 )
“e m otio n al li b era tio n”— in w hic h w e a ccep t fu ll r es pon sib ili t y fo r o u r o w n
fe eli n gs b u t n ot t h e fe eli n gs o f o th er s, w hile b ei ng a w are th at w e ca n n ev er
m eet o u r o w n n eed s a t t h e e x p en se of o th er s.
N VC i n A ctio n
“B rin g B ack t h e S tig m a o f I lle g it im acy !”
A s tu den t o f N on vio le n t C om mun ic atio n v o lu nte er in g a t a fo o d b an k
w as sh ock ed w hen an eld erly co -w ork er bu rst ou t fr o m b eh in d a
n ew sp ap er, “W hat w e n eed to d o in th is co u ntr y is b rin g b ack th e
stig m a o f i lle g it im acy !”
e s tu den t’s h ab it u al r e a ctio n t o t h is k in d o f s ta te m en t w ou ld h av e
b een to sa y n oth in g, to ju dge th e oth er se v er ely bu t silen tly , an d ev en tu ally t o p ro ce ss h er o w n f e eli n gs s a fe ly a w ay f r o m t h e sc e n e. is
t im e, s h e r e m em bere d s h e h ad th e op tio n o f li s ten in g fo r th e fe eli n gs
an d n eed s b eh in d t h e w ord s t h at h ad s h ock ed h er .
Stu den t: ( fi rst ch eck in g ou t her gu ess as to w hat th e co w ork er w as
ob se rv in g) Are yo u re a d in g so m eth in g ab ou t te en ag e
p re g n an cie s i n t h e p ap er?
C o-
w ork er:
Y es, i t ’s u n beli e v ab le h ow m an y o f t h em a re doin g i t !
S tu den t: ( n ow li s te n in g f o r t h e co -w ork er’s f e eli n g, a n d w hat u nm et n eed
m ig h t b e giv in g ris e to th is fe eli n g) A re y o u fe eli n g a la rm ed
b ecau se y o u ’d l i k e k id s t o h av e s ta b le fa m ili es ?
Co-
w ork er:
O f c o u rs e ! D o y o u k n ow , m y f a th er w ou ld h av e kille d m e if I
h ad d on e a n yth in g l i k e t h at!
S tu den t: S o yo u ’r e re m em berin g h ow it w as fo r th e gir ls in yo u r
gen era tio n w ho g o t p re g n an t?
C o-
w ork er:
S u re th in g! W e k n ew w hat w ou ld h ap p en to u s if w e go t
p re g n an t. W e w ere s c a re d a b ou t it a ll t h e tim e, n ot li k e th es e
gir ls n ow ad ay s.
S tu den t: A re y o u a n noyed t h at t h ere is n o fe ar o f p u n is h m en t fo r t h e
gir ls w ho g et p re g n an t t h ese d ay s?
C o-
w ork er:
W ell, a t le a st fe ar a n d p u n is h m en t w ork ed ! It s a y s h er e th at
th ere a re g ir ls s le ep in g a ro u n d w it h d iff er en t m en j u st s o t h ey
ca n g et p re g n an t! at’s r ig h t! ey h av e bab ies a n d th e res t
of u s i n s o cie ty p ay f o r i t !
e stu den t o f N VC h eard tw o d iff er en t fe eli n gs in th is sta tem ent:
a sto n is h m en t t h at g ir ls w ou ld d eli b er ate ly g et p reg nan t, a n d a n noyan ce
th at t a x p ay ers e n d u p p ay in g fo r c h ild ren b orn in t h is w ay. S h e ch ose
w hic h f e eli n g t o e m path iz e w it h .
Stu den t: A re y o u a sto n is h ed t o r e a li z e t h at p eo p le are get tin g p reg nan t
th ese day s wit h ou t an y co n sid er atio n fo r rep uta tio n , co n se q u en ce s, n an cia l s ta b ili t y … a ll t h e th in gs y o u u se d t o
c o n sid er?
C o-
w ork er:
Y ea h , a n d g u ess w ho e n ds u p p ay in g f o r i t ?
e co -w ork er, pro b ab ly fe eli n g heard aro u n d her asto n is h m en t,
m oved o n to h er o th er fe eli n g: th at o f a n noyan ce. A s o en h ap p en s
when th ere is a m ix tu re o f fe eli n gs p res en t, th e sp ea k er w ill r et urn to
t h ose t h at h av e n ot r e ce iv ed e m path ic a tt en tio n . I t is n ot n eces sa ry f o r
th e l i s te n er t o r e ec t b ack a c o m plex m ix tu re of f e eli n gs a ll a t o n ce; t h e
ow o f c o m pass io n w ill c o n tin u e as e a ch f e eli n g c o m es u p a g ain in it s
tu rn .
Stu den t: S o u n ds li k e y o u ’r e e x asp era te d b ecau se yo u ’d li k e y o u r ta x
m on ey t o b e u se d f o r o th er p u rp oses . I s t h at s o ?
C o-
w ork er:
C erta in ly is ! D o y o u k n ow th at m y s o n a n d h is w if e wan t a
s e co n d c h ild a n d t h ey c a n ’t h av e o n e— ev en t h ou gh t h ey h av e
tw o j o b s— becau se i t c o sts s o m uch ?
Stu den t: I g u ess y o u ’r e s a d a b ou t th at? Y ou ’d p ro b ab ly lo ve to h av e a
se co n d g ra n dch ild …
C o-
w ork er:
Y es, a n d i t ’s n ot j u st f o r m e t h at i t w ou ld m ak e a d iff er en ce.
S tu den t: … a n d fo r y o u r so n to h av e th e fa m ily h e wan ts … (E ven
th ou gh t h e stu den t g u ess e d o n ly p artia lly c o rre ctly , s h e did n ot
in te rru pt th e flow o f e m path y, in ste a d a llo w in g th e co -w ork er
to c o n tin u e an d r e a li z e an oth er c o n ce rn .)
C o-
w ork er:
Y es, I t h in k i t ’s s a d t o b e a s in gle c h ild t o o.
Stu den t: O h, I s e e; y o u ’d l i k e f o r K atie t o h av e a l i t t le bro th er ?
Co-
w ork er:
at w ou ld b e n ic e.
A t t h is p oin t, t h e s tu den t s e n se d a r e le a se in h er c o -w ork er . A m om en t
of sile n ce e la p se d . S h e fe lt su rp ris e d to d is c o ver th at, w hile sh e still wan te d to ex p re ss her ow n vie w s, her urg en cy an d ten sio n had
d is s ip ate d b ecau se s h e n o lo n ger fe lt “ a d ver sa ria l.” S h e un dersto od t h e
fe eli n gs a n d n eed s b eh in d h er c o -w ork er’s sta te m en ts a n d n o lo n ger
fe lt t h at t h e t w o o f t h em w ere “ w orld s a p art.”
S tu den t: ( e x p re ssin g h erse lf in N VC, a n d u sin g a ll fo u r p arts of th e
pro ce ss : o b se rv a tio n [ O ], f e eli n g [ F ], n eed [ N ], r e q u est [ R ]) Y ou
k n ow , w hen yo u rst sa id th at w e sh ou ld b rin g b ack th e
stig m a o f ille g it im acy ( O ), I g o t r e a lly s c a re d ( F ), b ecau se it
r e a lly m att e rs t o m e t h at a ll o f u s h er e sh are a d eep c a rin g f o r
p eo p le n eed in g h elp ( N ). S o m e o f t h e peo p le co m in g h er e fo r
fo od a re te en ag e p are n ts ( O ), a n d I w an t to m ak e su re th ey
fe el w elc o m e ( N ). W ou ld y o u m in d te lli n g m e how y o u fe el
w hen y o u s e e D ash al, o r A m y a n d h er b oyfr ien d, w alk in g i n ?
(R )
e d ia lo gu e c o n tin u ed w it h s e v er al m ore ex ch an ges u ntil t h e wom an
g o t th e re a ssu ra n ce sh e n eed ed th at h er c o -w ork er d id in deed o ff er
ca rin g an d re sp ec tfu l help to un m arrie d te en cli en ts . Even m ore
im porta n tly , w hat th e w om an gain ed w as a new ex p er ien ce in
e x p re ss in g d is a g re em en t in a w ay th at m et h er n eed s fo r h on esty a n d
m utu al r e sp ec t.
I n th e m ean tim e, th e co -w ork er le sa tis ed th at h er co n cer ns
aro u n d te en pre g n an cy had been fu lly heard . Both parties fe lt
u n dersto od , a n d th eir r e la tio n sh ip b en ete d fr o m th ei r h av in g s h are d
th eir u n dersta n din g a n d d iff ere n ce s w it h ou t h ostili t y . I n t h e ab sen ce of
N VC, th eir re la tio n sh ip m ig h t h av e beg un to d et er io ra te fr o m th is
m om en t, a n d th e w ork th ey b oth w an te d to d o in c o m mon — help in g
peo p le — mig h t h av e s u ff ere d . Exerc is e 3
A C K N O W LE D GIN G N EED S
To p ra ctic e id en tif y in g n eed s, p le a se cir c le th e nu m ber in fr o n t o f ea ch
sta te m en t w here th e s p ea k er is a ck n ow le d gin g r es pon sib ili t y fo r h is o r h er
fe eli n gs.
1. “ Y ou ir rit a te m e when yo u le av e co m pan y docu m en ts on th e
co n fe re n ce r o om oor.”
2. “ I fe el a n gry w hen y o u s a y th at, b ecau se I a m w an tin g res pect a n d I
h ear y o u r w ord s a s a n i n su lt .”
3. “ I f e el f r u str a te d w hen y o u c o m e la te .”
4. “ I’m s a d t h at y o u w on’t b e c o m in g f o r d in ner b ecau se I w as h op in g w e
co u ld s p en d t h e e v en in g t o geth er .”
5. “ I f e el d is a p p oin te d b ecau se y o u s a id y o u w ou ld d o i t a n d y o u d id n’t .”
6. “ I’m d is c o u ra g ed b ecau se I w ou ld h av e li k ed t o h av e pro gres se d f u rth er
in m y w ork b y n ow .”
7. “ L it t le t h in gs p eo p le s a y s o m etim es h u rt m e.”
8. “ I f e el h ap py t h at y o u r e ce iv ed t h at a w ard .”
9. “ I f e el s c a re d w hen y o u r a is e y o u r v o ic e.”
1 0 . “ I a m g ra te fu l t h at y o u o ff ere d m e a r id e becau se I w as n eed in g t o g et
h om e b efo re m y c h ild re n a rriv e.”
H ere are m y r e sp on se s f o r E xerc is e 3:
1. I f yo u cir c le d th is nu m ber, w e’r e not in ag re em ent. To m e, th e
sta te m en t im pli e s t h at t h e o th er p er so n’s b eh av io r is s o le ly r es pon sib le
f o r t h e s p ea k er’s f e eli n gs. I t d oesn ’t r e v ea l t h e need s o r t h ou gh ts t h at a re
c o n tr ib u tin g t o t h e s p ea k er’s f e eli n gs. T o d o s o , t h e sp ea k er m ig h t h av e
sa id , “I’m ir rit a te d w hen yo u le av e co m pan y docu m en ts on th e
co n fe re n ce ro om oor, b ecau se I w an t o u r d ocu m en ts to b e sa fe ly
s to re d a n d a cce ss ib le .”
2. I f yo u cir c le d th is n u m ber, w e’r e in ag re em ent th at th e sp ea k er is
a ck n ow le d gin g r e sp on sib ili t y f o r h is o r h er f e eli n gs. 3. I f y o u c ir c le d t h is n u m ber, w e’r e n ot i n a g re em ent. T o ex pres s t h e need s
or t h ou gh ts u n derly in g h is o r h er f e eli n gs, t h e sp ea k er m ig h t h av e sa id ,
“I f e el f r u str a te d w hen y o u c o m e la te b ecau se I w as h op in g w e’d b e ab le
t o g et s o m e f r o n t- r o w s e ats .”
4. I f yo u cir c le d th is n u m ber, w e’r e in ag re em ent th at th e sp ea k er is
a ck n ow le d gin g r e sp on sib ili t y f o r h is o r h er f e eli n gs.
5. I f y o u c ir c le d t h is n u m ber, w e’r e n ot i n a g re em ent. T o ex pres s t h e need s
an d th ou gh ts u n derly in g h is o r h er fe eli n gs, th e sp ea k er m ig h t h av e
sa id , “ W hen y o u s a id y o u ’d d o it a n d th en d id n’t , I fe lt d is a p p oin te d
b ecau se I w an t t o b e a b le t o r e ly u p on y o u r w ord s.”
6. I f yo u cir c le d th is n u m ber, w e’r e in ag re em ent th at th e sp ea k er is
a ck n ow le d gin g r e sp on sib ili t y f o r h is o r h er f e eli n gs.
7. I f y o u c ir c le d t h is n u m ber, w e’r e n ot i n a g re em ent. T o ex pres s t h e need s
an d th ou gh ts u n derly in g h is o r h er fe eli n gs, th e sp ea k er m ig h t h av e
sa id , “S o m etim es w hen p eo p le sa y li t t le th in gs, I fe el h u rt b ecau se I
wan t t o b e a p pre cia te d , n ot c rit ic iz e d .”
8. I f y o u c ir c le d t h is n u m ber, w e’r e n ot i n a g re em ent. T o ex pres s t h e need s
an d th ou gh ts u n derly in g h is o r h er fe eli n gs, th e sp ea k er m ig h t h av e
sa id , “ W hen y o u r e ce iv ed t h at a w ard , I f e lt h ap py b ecau se I w as h op in g
yo u ’d b e r e co gn iz e d f o r a ll t h e w ork y o u ’d p u t i n to t h e pro je ct.”
9. I f y o u c ir c le d t h is n u m ber, w e’r e n ot i n a g re em ent. T o ex pres s t h e need s
an d th ou gh ts u n derly in g h is o r h er fe eli n gs, th e sp ea k er m ig h t h av e
sa id , “W hen yo u ra is e yo u r vo ic e, I fe el sc a re d b ecau se I’m te lli n g
m yse lf s o m eo n e m ig h t g et h u rt h er e, a n d I n eed t o k n ow t h at w e’r e all
s a fe .”
1 0 . I f yo u cir c le d th is n u m ber, w e’r e in ag re em ent th at th e sp ea k er is
a ck n ow le d gin g r e sp on sib ili t y f o r h is o r h er f e eli n gs. W
6
Req u estin g at W hic h W ou ld E nric h L ife
e h av e n ow co vere d th e rst th re e co m pon en ts o f N VC, w hic h
a d dre ss w hat w e a re o b se rv in g, f e eli n g, a n d need in g. W e h av e le arn ed
to d o t h is w it h ou t c rit ic iz in g, a n aly zin g, b la m in g, o r d ia g n osin g o th er s, a n d
in a w ay li k ely to in sp ir e c o m pass io n . e fo u rth a n d n al c o m pon en t o f
th is p ro ce ss a d dre ss e s w hat w e wou ld li k e to re q u est o f o th ers in o rd er to
e n ric h li f e fo r u s. W hen o u r n eed s a re not b ei ng fu l lle d , w e fo llo w th e
ex p re ss io n o f w hat w e a re o b se rv in g, fe eli n g, a n d n eed in g w it h a sp eci c
re q u est: w e a sk fo r a ctio n s t h at m ig h t fu l ll o u r n eed s. H ow d o w e ex pres s
ou r r e q u ests s o t h at o th ers a re m ore willi n g to r es pon d c o m pass io n ate ly to
o u r n eed s? Usin g P osit iv e A ctio n L an gu ag e
Fir st o f a ll, w e e x p re ss w hat w e a re r e q u estin g r a th er th an w hat w e are not
re q u estin g. “ H ow d o y o u d o a d on’t ? ” g o es a li n e o f a c h ild re n ’s s o n g b y m y
co lle a g u e R uth B eb erm ey er: “A ll I k n ow i s I f e el w on’t w hen I ’m t o ld t o d o a
d on’t .” ese ly ric s re v ea l tw o pro blem s co m mon ly en co u nter ed w hen
re q u ests a re w ord ed in t h e n eg ativ e. P eo p le are o en c o n fu se d a s t o w hat is
a ctu ally b ein g re q u este d , a n d fu rth er m ore , n eg ativ e re q u es ts a re li k ely to
p ro vo ke r e sis ta n ce.
U se p osit iv e l a n gu ag e w hen m ak in g r e q u ests .
A w om an a t a w ork sh op, fr u str a te d th at h er h u sb an d w as s p en din g s o
m uch t im e a t w ork , d esc rib ed h ow h er r e q u es t h ad back re d : “ I a sk ed h im
n ot to sp en d so m uch tim e a t w ork . re e week s la te r, h e res pon ded b y
an nou n cin g t h at h e’d s ig n ed u p f o r a g o lf t o u rn am en t!” S h e had s u cces sfu lly
c o m mun ic ate d t o h im w hat s h e d id n ot w an t— his s p en din g s o m uch t im e at
w ork — bu t h ad fa ile d to r e q u est w hat s h e did w an t. E nco u ra g ed to r e w ord
h er re q u est, s h e th ou gh t a m in ute an d s a id , “ I w is h I h ad to ld h im th at I
w ou ld li k e h im to sp en d at le a st o n e ev en in g a w eek at h om e wit h th e
ch ild re n a n d m e.”
D urin g th e V ie tn am W ar, I w as ask ed to d eb ate th e war is su e on
te le v is io n w it h a m an w hose p osit io n d iff er ed fr o m m in e. e sh ow w as
v id eo ta p ed , so I w as a b le to w atc h it a t h om e th at e v en in g. W hen I sa w
m yse lf on th e sc re en co m mun ic atin g in way s I did n’t wan t to be
co m mun ic atin g, I fe lt v ery u p se t. “ If I ’m e v er in a n oth er d is c u ss io n ,” I to ld
m yse lf , “ I a m d ete rm in ed n ot to d o w hat I d id o n th at p ro gra m ! I’m n ot
go in g to b e d efe n siv e. I ’m n ot g o in g to let t h em m ak e a fo ol o f m e.” N otic e
h ow I s p oke to m yse lf in te rm s o f w hat I d id n’t w an t to d o r a th er th an in
t e rm s o f w hat I d id w an t t o d o.
A c h an ce t o r e d eem m yse lf c a m e th e ver y n ex t w eek w hen I w as in vit e d
to c o n tin u e th e d eb ate o n th e s a m e pro gra m . A ll th e way to th e stu dio , I
re p eate d t o m yse lf a ll t h e t h in gs I d id n’t w an t t o d o. A s s o on a s t h e pro gra m
sta rte d , t h e m an la u n ch ed o ff i n ex actly t h e sa m e way h e had a w eek e arli er . For ab ou t te n se co n ds a er he’d n is h ed ta lk in g, I m an ag ed not to
c o m mun ic ate in th e w ay s I h ad b een rem in din g m yse lf . In fa ct, I sa id
n oth in g. I ju st s a t th ere . A s s o on a s I o p en ed m y m ou th , h ow ev er , I fo u n d
w ord s t u m bli n g o u t i n a ll t h e w ay s I h ad b een s o d et er m in ed t o a v o id ! I t w as
a p ain fu l le ss o n a b ou t w hat c a n h ap p en w hen I o n ly id en tif y w hat I d on’t
w an t t o d o, w it h ou t c la rif y in g w hat I d o w an t t o d o.
I w as o n ce i n vit e d t o w ork w it h s o m e h ig h s c h ool s tu den ts w ho s u ff er ed
a lo n g li t a n y of grie v an ce s ag ain st th ei r prin cip al. ey reg ard ed th e
prin cip al a s r a cis t, a n d s e arc h ed fo r w ay s to g et e v en w it h h im . A m in is ter
w ho w ork ed c lo se ly w it h th e y o u n g p eo p le beca m e deep ly c o n cer ned o ver
th e p ro sp ec t o f v io le n ce. O ut o f r es pect f o r t h e m in is ter , t h e stu den ts a g re ed
to m eet w it h m e.
ey b eg an b y d esc rib in g w hat t h ey s a w a s d is c rim in atio n on t h e p art o f
th e p rin cip al. A er l i s te n in g t o s e v er al o f t h ei r c h arg es, I s u gges te d t h at t h ey
p ro ce ed b y c la rif y in g w hat t h ey w an te d f r o m t h e prin cip al.
“ W hat g o od w ou ld t h at d o?” s c o ff ed o n e s tu den t i n d is g u st. “ W e alr e a d y
w en t to h im to te ll h im w hat w e wan te d . H is a n sw er to u s w as, ‘G et o u t o f
h ere ! I d on’t n eed y o u p eo p le t e lli n g m e w hat t o d o!’”
I ask ed th e stu den ts w hat th ey h ad re q u es te d o f th e prin cip al. ey
re ca lle d s a y in g to h im th at th ey d id n’t w an t h im te lli n g th em h ow to w ear
th eir h air . I su ggeste d th at th ey m ig h t h av e re ce iv ed a m ore co op er ativ e
re sp on se i f t h ey h ad e x p re ss e d w hat t h ey d id , r a th er t h an w hat t h ey d id n ot,
w an t. ey h ad t h en in fo rm ed t h e prin cip al t h at t h ey w an te d to b e tr e ate d
w it h fa ir n ess , a t w hic h h e h ad b eco m e d ef en siv e, v o cif er ou sly d en yin g e v er
h av in g been u n fa ir . I ven tu re d to gu ess th at th e prin cip al w ou ld h av e
re sp on ded m ore f a v o ra b ly if t h ey h ad a sk ed fo r s p eci c a ctio n s r a th er t h an
v ag u e b eh av io r l i k e “ fa ir t r e atm en t.”
W ork in g to geth er, w e fo u n d w ay s to ex pres s th ei r re q u es ts in p osit iv e
actio n l a n gu ag e. A t t h e e n d o f t h e m eet in g, t h e stu den ts h ad c la ri ed t h ir ty -
eig h t a ctio n s t h ey w an te d t h e p rin cip al to t a k e, in clu din g “ W e’d li k e yo u to
a g re e to b la ck s tu den t r e p re se n ta tio n o n d ecis io n s m ad e a b ou t d res s c o d e,”
a n d “ W e’d l i k e y o u t o r e fe r t o u s a s ‘b la ck s tu den ts ’ a n d n ot ‘y o u p eo p le .’ ” e
fo llo w in g d ay, th e stu den ts p re sen te d th ei r re q u es ts to th e prin cip al u sin g
th e p osit iv e a ctio n la n gu ag e w e had p ra ctic e d ; th at e v en in g I re cei ved a n
ela te d p h on e c a ll fr o m th em : th ei r p rin cip al h ad a g re ed to a ll th ir ty -ei gh t
re q u ests ! In a d dit io n t o u sin g p osit iv e l a n gu ag e, w e als o w an t t o w ord o u r r e q u es ts
in th e fo rm o f co n cre te actio n s th at o th er s ca n u n der ta k e an d to av o id
v ag u e, a b str a ct, o r a m big u ou s p h ra sin g. A c a rto on d ep ic ts a m an w ho h as
fa lle n in to a la k e. A s h e s tr u gg les to s w im , h e sh ou ts to h is d og o n s h ore ,
“L ass ie , g et h elp !” In th e n ex t fr a m e, th e dog is ly in g o n a p sy ch ia tr is t’s
c o u ch . W e a ll k n ow h ow o p in io n s v ary a s to w hat c o n stit u tes “ h elp ”: s o m e
mem bers o f m y fa m ily , w hen a sk ed to h elp w it h th e dis h es , th in k “ h elp ”
m ean s s u p erv is io n .
A co u ple in dis tr e ss att e n din g a w ork sh op pro vid es an ad dit io n al
illu str a tio n o f h ow n on sp eci c la n gu ag e ca n h am per u n der sta n din g an d
co m mun ic atio n . “ I w an t y o u to let m e be m e,” th e wom an d ecla re d to h er
hu sb an d. “ I d o!” h e r e to rte d . “ N o, y o u d on’t !” s h e in sis te d . A sk ed t o ex pres s
hers e lf in p osit iv e a ctio n la n gu ag e, th e wom an r ep li e d , “ I w an t y o u to g iv e
m e t h e f r e ed om t o g ro w a n d b e m yse lf .” S u ch a s ta te m en t, h ow ev er , i s j u st a s
v ag u e a n d l i k ely t o p ro vo ke a d efen siv e res pon se . S h e str u gg le d t o f o rm ula te
h er r e q u est c le arly , a n d t h en a d m it t e d , “ It’s k in d o f a w kw ard , b u t i f I w er e to
b e p re cis e , I g u ess w hat I w an t i s f o r y o u t o s m ile a n d s a y t h at a n yth in g I d o
is o kay.” O en , t h e u se o f v ag u e a n d a b str a ct la n gu ag e c a n m ask o p pres siv e
in te rp ers o n al g am es.
M ak in g re q u ests in cle a r, pos it iv e, co n cre te actio n
la n gu ag e r e v ea ls w hat w e r e a lly w an t.
A s im ila r la ck o f c la rit y o cc u rre d b et ween a fa th er a n d h is een -y ear-
o ld so n w hen th ey c a m e in fo r c o u n se li n g. “A ll I w an t is fo r y o u to sta rt
sh ow in g a l i t t le r e sp on sib ili t y ,” c la im ed t h e fa th er . “ Is t h at a sk in g t o o m uch ?”
I s u ggeste d t h at h e s p ecif y w hat i t w ou ld t a k e fo r h is s o n t o d em on str a te th e
re sp on sib ili t y h e w as se ek in g. A er a d is c u ss io n on h ow to cla rif y h is
r e q u est, t h e f a th er r e sp on ded s h eep is h ly , “ W ell, i t d oes n’t s o u n d s o g o od , b u t
w hen I s a y t h at I w an t r e sp on sib ili t y , w hat I r e a lly m ean i s t h at I w an t h im t o
d o w hat I a sk , w it h ou t q u estio n — to ju m p w hen I s a y ju m p, a n d to s m ile
w hile d oin g it .” H e th en a g re ed w it h m e th at if h is so n w ere to a ctu ally
b eh av e t h is w ay, i t w ou ld d em on str a te o b ed ien ce r a th er t h an r es pon sib ili t y .
L ik e th is fa th er, w e o en u se v ag u e an d a b str a ct la n gu ag e to in dic ate
h ow w e w an t o th er p eo p le to fe el o r b e wit h ou t n am in g a c o n cret e actio n th ey co u ld ta k e to re a ch th at sta te . F or ex am ple , an em plo yer m ak es a
gen u in e e ff ort to in vit e fe ed back , te lli n g th e em plo yees, “ I w an t y o u to fe el
fr e e to ex p re ss yo u rs e lf aro u n d m e.” e sta te m en t co m mun ic ates th e
em plo yer’s d esir e f o r t h e e m plo yees t o “ fe el f r e e,” b u t n ot w hat t h ey c o u ld d o
in o rd er to fe el th is w ay. In ste a d , th e em plo yer c o u ld u se p osit iv e a ctio n
la n gu ag e t o m ak e a r e q u est: “ I’d li k e yo u t o te ll m e w hat I m ig h t d o t o m ak e
it e a sie r f o r y o u t o f e el f r e e t o e x p res s y o u rs e lv es a ro u n d m e.”
V ag u e l a n gu ag e c o n tr ib u te s t o i n te rn al c o n fu sio n .
D ep re ssio n i s t h e r e w ard w e g et f o r b ein g “ g o od .”
A s a n al illu str a tio n o f h ow th e use of v ag u e la n gu ag e c o n tr ib u tes to
in te rn al c o n fu sio n , I w ou ld li k e to p res en t th e co n ver sa tio n th at I w ou ld
i n varia b ly h av e d u rin g m y p ra ctic e a s a c li n ic a l p sy ch olo gis t w it h t h e m an y
cli e n ts w ho c a m e to m e w it h c o m pla in ts o f d ep res sio n . A er I em path iz e d
w it h th e d ep th o f fe eli n g th at a c li en t h ad ju st ex pres se d , o u r ex ch an ges
w ou ld t y p ic a lly p ro ce ed i n t h e f o llo w in g m an ner :
M BR : W hat a re y o u w an tin g t h at y o u a re not r e ce iv in g?
C li e n t: I d on’t k n ow w hat I w an t.
M BR : I g u ess e d t h at y o u w ou ld s a y t h at.
C li e n t: W hy?
M BR : M y th eo ry is th at w e g et d ep re ss e d b ecau se we’r e not g ett in g w hat
w e w an t, a n d w e’r e n ot g ett in g w hat w e wan t b ecau se we hav e nev er
b een ta u gh t to g et w hat w e w an t. In ste a d , w e’v e been ta u gh t to b e
go od li t t le b oys a n d g ir ls a n d g o od m oth er s a n d fa th er s. If w e’r e
g o in g to b e o n e o f th ose go od th in gs, b et ter get u se d to b ei ng
dep re ss e d . D ep re ss io n is t h e r e w ard w e get fo r b ei ng “ g o o d .” B ut, if
y o u w an t to fe el b ett e r, I’d li k e y o u to c la rif y w hat y o u w ou ld li k e
p eo p le t o d o t o m ak e l i f e m ore w on derfu l f o r y o u .
C li e n t: I j u st w an t s o m eo n e t o l o ve m e. at’s h ard ly u n re a so n ab le , i s i t ?
M BR : It’s a g o od sta rt. N ow I’d li k e y o u to c la rif y w hat y o u w ou ld li k e peo p le to d o t h at w ou ld fu l ll y o u r n eed to b e lo ved . F or ex am ple ,
w hat c o u ld I d o r ig h t n ow ?
Cli e n t: O h, y o u k n ow …
M BR : I’m n ot s u re I d o. I ’d li k e y o u t o t e ll m e what y o u w ou ld li k e m e, o r
o th ers , t o d o t o g iv e y o u t h e l o ve y o u ’r e lo okin g f o r.
C li e n t: at’s h ard .
M BR : Yes, it c a n b e d iffi cu lt t o m ak e c le ar r e q u es ts . B ut t h in k h ow h ard it
w ill b e fo r o th ers to r e sp on d to o u r r e q u es t if w e’r e not e v en c le ar
w hat i t i s !
C li e n t: I ’m s ta rtin g to g et c le ar w hat I w an t fr o m o th er s to fu l ll m y n eed
fo r l o ve, b u t i t ’s e m barra ss in g.
M BR : Yes, v ery o en it is e m barra ss in g. S o w hat w ou ld y o u li k e f o r m e or
o th ers t o d o?
C li e n t: I f I r e a lly r e ec t u p on w hat I ’m r e q u es tin g w hen I a sk t o b e lo ved , I
s u pp ose I w an t y o u t o g u ess w hat I w an t b ef ore I’m e v en a w are of i t .
A nd t h en I w an t y o u t o a lw ay s d o i t .
M BR : I’m g ra te fu l fo r y o u r c la rit y . I h op e yo u c a n se e how y o u a re not
li k ely to n d so m eo n e w ho c a n fu l ll y o u r n eed fo r lo ve if th at’s
w hat i t t a k es.
V ery o en , m y c li e n ts w ere a b le t o s e e how t h e la ck o f a w aren ess o f w hat
th ey w an te d fr o m o th ers h ad c o n tr ib u te d s ig n i ca n tly to th ei r fr u str a tio n s
an d d ep re ss io n . Mak in g R eq u ests C on sc io u sly
S o m etim es w e m ay b e a b le t o c o m mun ic ate a c le ar r e q u es t w it h ou t p u tt in g
it in w ord s. S u pp ose y o u ’r e in th e kit c h en a n d y o u r s is ter , w ho is w atc h in g
te le v is io n in th e li v in g r o om , c a lls o u t, “ I’m th ir sty .” I n th is c a se , it m ay b e
obvio u s th at sh e is re q u estin g y o u to b rin g h er a g la ss o f w ater fr o m th e
kit c h en .
H ow ev er, in oth er in sta n ce s, w e m ay ex pres s ou r dis c o m fo rt an d
in co rre c tly a ssu m e t h at t h e li s te n er h as u n der sto od t h e un derly in g r e q u es t.
F or e x am ple , a w om an m ig h t s a y to h er h u sb an d, “ I’m a n noyed y o u fo rg o t
th e b u tt e r a n d o n io n s I a sk ed y o u to p ic k u p fo r d in ner .” W hile it m ay b e
obvio u s to h er th at s h e is a sk in g h im to g o b ack to th e sto re , th e hu sb an d
m ay t h in k t h at h er w ord s w ere u tt er ed s o le ly t o m ak e him f e el g u ilt y .
W hen w e s im ply e x p re ss o u r f e eli n gs, i t m ay n ot b e c le a r
to t h e l i s te n er w hat w e w an t t h em t o d o.
Even m ore o en , w e a re s im ply n ot c o n sc io u s o f w hat w e are re q u es tin g
w hen w e sp ea k . W e ta lk to o th ers o r a t th em w it h ou t k n ow in g h ow to
e n gag e in a d ia lo gu e w it h th em . W e to ss o u t w ord s, u sin g th e pres en ce o f
o th ers a s a w aste b ask et. I n s u ch s it u atio n s, th e li s ten er, u n ab le to d is c er n a
c le ar re q u est in th e sp ea k er’s w ord s, m ay ex per ien ce th e kin d o f d is tr es s
illu str a te d i n t h e f o llo w in g a n ecd ote .
W e a re o en n ot c o n sc io u s o f w hat w e a re r e q u estin g.
I w as s e ate d d ir e c tly a cro ss t h e a is le fr o m a c o u ple on a m in i- tr a in t h at
c a rrie s p ass e n gers to th eir re sp ec tiv e ter m in als at th e Dalla s/F ort W orth
I n te rn atio n al A ir p ort. F or p ass e n gers in a h u rr y t o c atc h a p la n e, t h e sn ail’s
p ace o f t h e t r a in m ay w ell b e i r r it a tin g. e m an t u rn ed t o h is w if e an d s a id
w it h in te n sit y , “ I h av e n ev er s e en a t r a in g o s o s lo w in a ll m y li f e .” S h e sa id
n oth in g, ap p earin g te n se an d u n ea sy as to w hat res pon se he mig h t b e
ex p ec tin g f r o m h er. H e t h en d id w hat m an y o f u s d o w hen w e’r e not g et tin g th e r e sp on se w e w an t: h e r e p eate d h im se lf . I n a m ark ed ly s tr o n ger v o ic e, h e
ex cla im ed , “ I h av e n ev er s e en a t r a in g o s o s lo w i n a ll m y l i f e! ”
e w if e , at a lo ss fo r re sp on se , lo oked ev en m ore dis tr es se d . In
d esp era tio n , sh e tu rn ed to h im a n d sa id , “ ey ’r e ele ctr o n ic a lly tim ed .” I
d id n’t th in k th is p ie ce o f in fo rm atio n w ou ld s a tis fy h im , a n d in deed it d id
n ot, fo r h e re p eate d h im se lf a th ir d tim e— ev en m ore lo u d ly , “ I H AV E
N EV ER SE EN A T R A IN G O SO SL O W IN A LL M Y L IF E ! ” e w if e ’s
p atie n ce w as c le arly e x h au ste d a s s h e sn ap p ed b ack a n grily , “ W ell, w hat d o
yo u w an t m e t o d o a b ou t i t ? G et o u t a n d p u sh ?” N ow t h er e were tw o p eo p le
i n p ain !
W hat r e sp on se w as th e m an w an tin g? I b eli e v e he wan te d to h ear th at
h is p ain w as u n dersto od . If h is w if e had kn ow n th is , sh e mig h t h av e
re sp on ded , “It so u n ds li k e yo u ’r e sc a re d w e mig h t m is s o u r p la n e, an d
dis g u ste d b ecau se y o u ’d l i k e a f a ster t r a in r u n nin g b et ween t h es e ter m in als .”
R eq u ests may so u n d li k e dem an ds when
u n acco m pan ie d b y t h e s p ea k er’s f e eli n gs a n d n eed s.
In t h e a b ove e x ch an ge, t h e w if e h eard t h e hu sb an d’s f r u str a tio n b u t w as
clu ele ss a s to w hat h e w as a sk in g fo r. E qu ally p ro blem atic is th e re v er se
sit u atio n — when p eo p le s ta te t h eir r e q u es ts w it h ou t rst c o m mun ic atin g t h e
fe eli n gs a n d n eed s b eh in d th em . is is es pecia lly tr u e w hen th e re q u es t
ta k es th e fo rm o f a q u estio n . “ W hy d on’t y o u g o a n d g et a h air c u t? ” c a n
e a sily b e h eard b y yo u n gste rs as a d em an d o r an att a ck u n les s p aren ts
r e m em ber to rst r e v ea l th eir o w n fe eli n gs a n d n eed s: “ W e’r e worrie d th at
y o u r h air is g ett in g s o lo n g it m ig h t k eep y o u f r o m s e ei ng t h in gs, es pecia lly
w hen y o u ’r e o n y o u r b ik e. H ow a b ou t a h air c u t? ”
It i s m ore c o m mon , h ow ev er, f o r p eo p le to t a lk w it h ou t b ei ng c o n sc io u s
of w hat th ey are ask in g fo r. “I’m n ot re q u es tin g an yth in g,” th ey m ig h t
re m ark . “ I j u st f e lt l i k e s a y in g w hat I s a id .” M y b eli ef i s t h at, w hen ev er w e sa y
so m eth in g t o a n oth er p ers o n , w e a re re q u es tin g s o m eth in g i n r et urn . I t m ay
sim ply b e a n e m path ic c o n nec tio n — a v er bal o r n on ver bal a ck n ow le d gm en t,
a s w it h t h e m an o n t h e t r a in , t h at o u r w ord s h av e been u n der sto od . O r w e
m ay b e r e q u estin g h on esty : w e w is h t o k n ow t h e li s ten er’s h on est r e a ctio n t o
o u r w ord s. O r w e m ay b e r e q u estin g a n a ctio n t h at w e h op e w ou ld f u l ll o u r need s. e c le are r w e a re o n w hat w e wan t b ack f r o m t h e oth er p er so n , t h e
m ore l i k ely i t i s t h at o u r n eed s w ill b e m et.
e c le a re r w e a re a b ou t w hat w e w an t, t h e m ore l i k ely i t
i s t h at w e’l l g et i t . Ask in g f o r a R efl ectio n
A s w e k n ow , t h e m ess a g e w e s e n d is n ot a lw ay s t h e m essa g e th at’s r e cei ved .
W e g en era lly re ly o n v erb al c u es to d eter m in e whet her o u r m essa g e has
b een u n dersto od to o u r s a tis fa ctio n . I f, h ow ev er , w e’r e un cer ta in t h at it h as
b een r e ce iv ed a s in te n ded , w e n eed to b e ab le to c le arly r e q u es t a r es pon se
th at te lls u s h ow th e m ess a g e w as h eard so a s to b e ab le to c o rre ct a n y
m is u n dersta n din g. O n so m e occ a sio n s, a sim ple qu es tio n li k e, “Is th at
cle ar? ” w ill s u ffi ce. A t o th er tim es, w e need m ore th an “ Y es, I u n der sto od
yo u ,” to fe el c o n den t th at w e’v e b een tr u ly u n der sto od . A t s u ch tim es, w e
m ig h t a sk o th ers t o r e ec t b ack in t h ei r o w n w ord s w hat t h ey h eard u s s a y.
W e t h en h av e t h e o p p ortu n it y t o r es ta te p arts o f o u r m ess a g e to a d dres s a n y
d is c re p an cy o r o m is s io n w e m ig h t h av e notic e d i n t h ei r r e ectio n .
T o m ak e s u re t h e m ess a g e w e s e n t is t h e m ess a g e t h at’s
r e ce iv ed , a sk t h e l i s te n er t o r e fl ect i t b ack .
For ex am ple , a te a ch er ap pro ach es a stu den t an d sa y s, “P et er , I go t
co n ce rn ed w hen I c h eck ed m y r e co rd b o ok y es ter day. I w an t to m ak e su re
y o u ’r e a w are o f t h e h om ew ork I ’m m is s in g fr o m y o u . W ill y o u d ro p b y m y
offi ce a er s c h ool? ” P ete r m um bles , “O kay, I k n ow ,” a n d th en tu rn s a w ay,
le av in g th e te a ch er u n ea sy a s to w het her h er m ess a g e had b een a cc u ra te ly
r e ce iv ed . S h e a sk s fo r a r e ec tio n — “C ou ld y o u te ll m e what y o u ju st h eard
m e s a y ?” — to w hic h P ete r r e p li e s, “ Y ou s a id I g o tt a m is s s o ccer t o s ta y a er
sc h ool b ecau se y o u d id n’t li k e m y h om ew ork .” C on rm ed in h er s u sp ic io n
th at P ete r h ad n ot h eard h er i n te n ded m essa g e, t h e te a ch er t r ies t o r es ta te it ,
b u t rst s h e i s c a re fu l o f h er n ex t r em ark .
A n ass e rtio n li k e “Y ou d id n’t h ear m e,” “ at’s n ot w hat I sa id ,” o r
“Y ou ’r e m is u n dersta n din g m e,” m ay ea sily le a d P et er to th in k th at h e is
b ein g ch astis e d . Sin ce th e te a ch er per ce iv es Pet er as hav in g sin cer ely
r e sp on ded t o h er r e q u est f o r a r e ectio n , s h e m ig h t s a y, “ I’m g ra tef ul t o y o u
fo r t e lli n g m e w hat y o u h eard . I c a n s e e th at I d id n’t m ak e m yse lf a s c le ar a s
I’d h av e l i k ed , s o l e t m e t r y a g ain .” Exp re ss a p pre cia tio n w hen y o u r li s te n er tr ie s to meet
y o u r r e q u est f o r a r e fl ectio n .
W hen w e rst b eg in a sk in g o th ers t o r e ect b ack w hat t h ey h ear u s s a y,
it m ay fe el aw kw ard a n d str a n ge b ecau se su ch re q u es ts a re ra re ly m ad e.
W hen I em ph asiz e th e im porta n ce o f o u r ab ili t y to ask fo r re ectio n s,
p eo p le o en ex p re ss re se rv atio n s. ey are worrie d ab ou t re a ctio n s li k e,
“W hat d o yo u th in k I am — deaf? ” o r, “Q uit p la y in g yo u r p sy ch olo gic a l
g am es.” T o p re v en t s u ch r e sp on ses , w e ca n ex pla in to p eo p le ah ea d o f t im e
why w e m ay s o m etim es a sk t h em t o r e ect b ack o u r w ord s. W e m ak e cle ar
th at w e’r e n ot te stin g th eir li s te n in g sk ills , b u t c h eck in g o u t w heth er w e’v e
ex p re ss e d o u rs e lv es cle arly . H ow ev er , sh ou ld th e li s te n er ret ort, “I h eard
w hat y o u s a id ; I ’m n ot s tu pid !” w e hav e th e op tio n t o f o cu s o n t h e li s ten er’s
f e eli n gs a n d n eed s a n d a sk — eit h er a lo u d o r s ilen tly — “A re yo u s a y in g y o u ’r e
fe eli n g a n noyed b ecau se y o u w an t res pect fo r y o u r a b ili t y to u n der sta n d
th in gs? ”
E m path iz e w it h t h e li s te n er w ho doesn ’t w an t t o r e fl ect
b ack . Req u estin g H on esty
A er w e’v e o p en ly e x p re ss e d o u rs e lv es a n d r e ce iv ed th e un der sta n din g w e
w an t, w e’r e o en e a g er to k n ow th e oth er p er so n’s re a ctio n to w hat w e’v e
sa id . U su ally th e h on esty w e w ou ld li k e to re ce iv e ta k es on e of th re e
d ir e c tio n s:
S o m etim es w e’d li k e to k n ow th e fe eli n gs th at a re stim ula te d b y w hat
w e s a id , a n d th e r e a so n s fo r th ose fe eli n gs. W e m ig h t r e q u es t th is b y
ask in g, “ I w ou ld li k e y o u t o t e ll m e h ow y o u f e el a b ou t w hat I ju st s a id ,
an d y o u r r e a so n s f o r f e eli n g a s y o u d o.”
A er w e e x p re ss o u rse lv es v u ln era b ly , w e o en w an t t o
k n ow ( 1 ) w hat t h e l i s te n er i s f e eli n g;
So m etim es w e’d l i k e t o k n ow s o m ethin g a b ou t o u r l i s ten er’s t h ou gh ts i n
r e sp on se t o w hat t h ey j u st h eard u s s a y. A t t h es e tim es, i t ’s i m porta n t t o
s p ecif y w hic h t h ou gh ts w e’d li k e th em t o s h are . F or ex am ple , w e m ig h t
sa y, “ I’d li k e y o u to te ll m e if y o u p re d ic t th at m y p ro p osa l w ou ld b e
su cce ss fu l, an d if n ot, w hat yo u b eli e v e wou ld p re v en t it s su cces s,”
r a th er t h an s im ply s a y in g, “ I’d li k e yo u t o t e ll m e w hat y o u t h in k a b ou t
w hat I ’v e s a id .” W hen w e d on’t s p ecif y w hic h t h ou gh ts w e w ou ld l i k e to
r e ce iv e, th e o th er p ers o n m ay re sp on d a t g re at len gth w it h th ou gh ts
t h at a re n ’t t h e o n es w e a re s e ek in g.
(2 ) w hat t h e l i s te n er i s t h in kin g; o r
So m etim es w e’d li k e to k n ow w het her th e per so n is w illi n g to ta k e
ce rta in a ctio n s t h at w e’v e r e co m men ded . S u ch a r e q u es t m ay s o u n d l i k e
th is : “ I’d li k e y o u to te ll m e if y o u w ou ld b e willi n g to p ostp on e ou r
m eetin g f o r o n e w eek .”
( 3 ) w heth er th e li s te n er w ou ld b e w illi n g to ta k e a
p artic u la r a ctio n . e u se o f N VC re q u ir e s th at w e be co n sc io u s o f th e sp eci c fo rm o f
h on esty w e w ou ld li k e to r e ce iv e, a n d to m ak e th at r e q u es t fo r h on es ty in
c o n cre te l a n gu ag e. Mak in g R eq u ests o f a G ro u p
It is e sp ecia lly im porta n t w hen w e a re ad dres sin g a g ro u p t o b e cle ar a b ou t
th e k in d o f u n dersta n din g o r h on esty w e w an t b ack a er w e’v e ex pres se d
o u rs e lv es. W hen w e are n ot cle ar ab ou t th e res pon se we’d li k e, w e may
in it ia te u npro du ctiv e c o n vers a tio n s t h at en d u p s a tis fy in g n o o n e’s n eed s.
I’v e b een in vit e d fr o m tim e to tim e to w ork w it h g ro u p s o f cit iz en s
co n ce rn ed a b ou t ra cis m in th ei r co m mun it ies . O ne is su e th at fr e q u en tly
a ris e s a m on g th ese g ro u p s is th at th ei r m eetin gs a re te d io u s a n d fr u it les s.
is la ck of p ro du ctiv it y is very co stly fo r gro u p m em ber s, w ho o en
ex p en d li m it e d re so u rc e s to a rra n ge fo r tr a n sp orta tio n a n d ch ild c a re in
o rd er to att e n d m eetin gs. F ru str a te d b y p ro lo n ged d is c u ss io n s th at y ie ld
li t t le d ir e c tio n , m an y m em bers q u it t h e gro u p s, d ecla rin g m eetin gs a w aste
o f t im e. F u rth erm ore , t h e i n stit u tio n al c h an ges t h ey a re str iv in g t o m ak e are
n ot u su ally o n es th at o cc u r q u ic k ly o r e a sily . F or a ll th es e re a so n s, w hen
su ch g ro u p s d o m eet, it ’s im porta n t th at th ey m ak e go o d u se of th ei r tim e
to geth er.
I k n ew m em bers o f o n e su ch g ro u p th at h ad b een o rg an iz e d to eff ect
ch an ge i n t h e l o ca l s c h ool s y ste m . I t w as t h ei r b eli ef t h at v ario u s e lem ents i n
t h e sc h ool sy ste m d is c rim in ate d ag ain st stu den ts on th e basis of ra ce.
B ecau se th eir m eetin gs w ere unpro du ctiv e an d th e gro u p w as lo sin g
m em bers , t h ey i n vit e d m e t o o b ser ve th ei r d is c u ss io n s. I s u gges te d t h at t h ey
co n du ct t h eir m eetin g a s u su al, a n d t h at I w ou ld let t h em k n ow i f I s a w a n y
w ay s N VC m ig h t h elp .
O ne m an b eg an t h e m eetin g b y c a lli n g t h e gro u p’s a tt en tio n to a r e cen t
new sp ap er a rtic le in w hic h a m in orit y m oth er h ad ra is e d co m pla in ts a n d
co n ce rn s re g ard in g th e p rin cip al’s tr e atm en t o f h er d au gh ter . A w om an
re sp on ded b y s h arin g a s it u atio n th at h ad o cc u rre d to h er w hen s h e was a
s tu den t a t t h e s a m e s c h ool. O ne b y o n e, e a ch m em ber t h en r e la te d a s im ila r
p ers o n al e x p erie n ce. A er tw en ty m in utes I a sk ed th e gro u p if th ei r n eed s
w ere b ein g m et b y t h e c u rre n t d is c u ss io n . N ot o n e p er so n s a id y es . “ is is
w hat h ap p en s a ll t h e t im e i n t h ese m eet in gs!” h u ff ed o n e m an , “ I h av e bet ter
t h in gs t o d o w it h m y t im e t h an s it a ro u n d l i s ten in g t o t h e sa m e old b u lls h it .”
I t h en a d dre ss e d t h e m an w ho h ad i n it ia te d t h e dis c u ss io n : “ C an y o u t e ll
m e, w hen y o u b ro u gh t u p th e n ew sp ap er a rtic le , w hat res pon se yo u w er e wan tin g f r o m t h e g ro u p ?”
“I th ou gh t it w as in te re stin g,” h e r ep li e d . I ex pla in ed th at I w as a sk in g
w hat r e sp on se h e w an te d f r o m t h e gro u p, r a th er t h an w hat h e th ou gh t a b ou t
th e a rtic le . H e p on dere d a w hile a n d th en c o n ce d ed , “ I’m n ot su re what I
w an te d .”
A nd th at’s w hy, I b eli e v e, tw en ty m in utes o f th e gro u p’s v alu ab le tim e
had b een sq u an dere d o n fr u it le ss d is c o u rs e . W hen w e ad dres s a gro u p
w it h ou t b ein g c le ar w hat w e a re w an tin g b ack , u npro du ctiv e dis c u ss io n s w ill
o en fo llo w . H ow ev er, if e v en o n e m em ber o f a g ro u p is c o n sc io u s o f th e
im porta n ce o f c le arly r e q u estin g t h e res pon se th at is d esir e d , h e or s h e ca n
ex te n d th is c o n sc io u sn ess to th e gro u p. F or ex am ple , w hen th is p artic u la r
sp ea k er d id n’t d e n e w hat re sp on se he wan te d , a m em ber o f th e gro u p
m ig h t h av e s a id , “ I’m c o n fu se d a b ou t h ow y o u ’d li k e us to r es pon d to y o u r
sto ry. W ou ld y o u b e w illi n g t o s a y w hat r es pon se yo u ’d li k e fr o m u s? ” S u ch
in te rv en tio n s c a n p re v en t t h e w aste of p re cio u s g ro u p t im e.
In a g ro u p, m uch tim e is w aste d w hen s p ea k ers a re n ’t
c e rta in w hat r e sp on se t h ey ’r e w an tin g.
C on vers a tio n s o en d ra g o n a n d o n , f u l lli n g n o o n e’s n eed s, b ecau se it
i s u n cle ar w heth er t h e i n it ia to r o f t h e co n ver sa tio n h as g o tt en w hat s h e or h e
w an te d . In In dia , w hen p eo p le hav e re ce iv ed th e res pon se th ey w an t in
c o n vers a tio n s th ey h av e in it ia te d , th ey s a y “ b as” (p ro n ou n ce d “ b u s” ). is
m ean s, “ Y ou n eed n ot s a y m ore . I fe el s a tis ed a n d a m n ow r e a d y to m ove
o n t o s o m eth in g e ls e .” ou gh w e l a ck s u ch a w ord i n o u r o w n l a n gu ag e, w e
ca n b en e t fr o m d ev elo p in g a n d p ro m otin g “ b as-c o n sc io u sn ess” in a ll o u r
in te ra ctio n s. Req u ests v ersu s D em an ds
O ur re q u ests are re ce iv ed as d em an ds w hen o th er s b eli e v e th ey w ill b e
bla m ed o r p u n is h ed if th ey d o n ot c o m ply . W hen p eo p le hear a d em an d,
th ey s e e o n ly tw o o p tio n s: s u bm is s io n o r r e b elli o n . E it h er w ay, th e per so n
re q u estin g is p erc e iv ed a s c o erc iv e, a n d th e li s ten er’s c ap acit y to res pon d
co m pass io n ate ly t o t h e r e q u est i s d im in is h ed .
W hen th e o th er p erso n h ea rs a d em an d fr o m u s, th ey
se e t w o o p tio n s: t o s u bm it o r t o r e b el.
e m ore w e h av e in t h e p ast b la m ed , p u n is h ed , o r “ la id g u ilt t r ip s” o n
o th ers w hen th ey hav en ’t re sp on ded to ou r re q u es ts , th e hig h er th e
li k eli h ood t h at o u r r e q u ests w ill n ow b e heard a s d em an ds. W e a ls o p ay f o r
o th ers’ u se o f s u ch t a ctic s. T o t h e deg re e th at p eo p le in o u r li v es h av e been
b la m ed , p u n is h ed , o r u rg ed to fe el g u ilt y fo r n ot d oin g w hat o th er s h av e
re q u este d , t h e m ore l i k ely t h ey a re to c a rr y t h is b ag gag e to e v er y s u bse q u en t
re la tio n sh ip a n d h ear a d em an d i n a n y r e q u es t.
T o te ll if it ’s a d em an d o r a r e q u est, o b se r v e w hat th e
sp ea k er d oes i f t h e r e q u est i s n ot c o m pli e d w it h .
Let’s lo ok a t tw o v aria tio n s o f a s it u atio n . Ja ck s a y s to h is fr ien d Ja n e,
“I’m lo n ely a n d w ou ld li k e y o u to sp en d th e ev en in g w it h m e.” Is th at a
re q u est o r a d em an d? e a n sw er is th at w e d on’t k n ow u ntil w e ob ser ve
h ow Ja ck tr e ats Ja n e if sh e d oes n’t c o m ply . S u pp ose sh e rep li es , “ Ja ck , I’m
r e a lly t ir e d . I f y o u ’d li k e s o m e c o m pan y, h ow a b ou t n din g s o m eo n e els e to
b e w it h y o u t h is e v en in g?” I f J a ck t h en r em ark s, “ H ow t y p ic a l o f y o u t o b e so
se l sh !” h is r e q u est w as in fa ct a d em an d. I n ste a d o f em path iz in g w it h h er
n eed t o r e st, h e h as b la m ed h er.
I t’s a d em an d i f t h e s p ea k er t h en c rit ic iz es o r j u dges. Con sid er a s e co n d s c e n ario :
Ja ck : I’m l o n ely a n d w ou ld l i k e y o u t o s p en d t h e ev en in g w it h m e.
Ja n e: Ja ck , I ’m r e a lly tir e d . If y o u ’d li k e so m e c o m pan y, h ow a b ou t n din g
so m eo n e e ls e t o b e w it h y o u t o n ig h t?
Ja ck : (tu rn s a w ay w ord le ssly )
Ja n e: (s e n sin g h e is u pse t) I s s o m eth in g b oth erin g y o u ?
Ja ck : N o.
Ja n e: C om e o n , J a ck , I c a n s e n se s o m ethin g’s g o in g o n . W hat’s t h e m att er ?
Ja ck : Y ou k n ow h ow lo n ely I ’m fe eli n g. I f y o u r e a lly lo ved m e, y o u ’d s p en d
th e e v en in g w it h m e.
A gain , in ste a d o f e m path iz in g, Ja ck n ow in ter pret s Ja n e’s res pon se to
m ean t h at s h e d oesn ’t lo ve h im a n d t h at s h e has r ej ecte d h im . e m ore we
in te rp re t n on co m pli a n ce a s re je ctio n , th e m ore li k ely o u r re q u es ts w ill b e
h eard as d em an ds. is le a d s to a se lf - fu l lli n g p ro p h ec y, fo r th e more
p eo p le h ear d em an ds, t h e l e ss t h ey en jo y b ei ng a ro u n d u s.
I t’s a d em an d i f t h e s p ea k er t h en l a y s a g u ilt t r ip .
O n th e o th er h an d, w e w ou ld k n ow th at Ja ck ’s re q u es t h ad b een a
gen u in e re q u est, n ot a d em an d, if h is res pon se to Ja n e had ex pres se d a
re sp ec tfu l re co gn it io n o f h er fe eli n gs an d n eed s. F or ex am ple: “S o, Ja n e,
y o u ’r e f e eli n g w orn o u t a n d n eed in g s o m e r es t t h is e v en in g?”
W e ca n h elp o th ers tr u st th at w e are re q u es tin g, n ot d em an din g, b y
in dic atin g th at w e w ou ld o n ly w an t th em to co m ply if th ey ca n d o so
w illi n gly . us w e m ig h t a sk , “ W ou ld y o u b e w illi n g t o s et t h e ta b le? ” r a th er
th an “ I w ou ld li k e y o u t o s e t t h e ta b le .” H ow ev er , t h e m ost p ow er fu l w ay t o
c o m mun ic ate th at w e a re m ak in g a g en uin e re q u es t is to em path iz e wit h
p eo p le w hen t h ey d on’t a g re e t o t h e re q u es t.
I t’s a r e q u est i f t h e s p ea k er t h en s h ow s e m path y t o w ard
th e o th er p erso n’s n eed s. We de mon str a te t h at w e a re m ak in g a r e q u es t r a th er t h an a d em an d b y
h ow w e r e sp on d w hen o th ers d on’t c o m ply . If w e a re prep are d to s h ow a n
em path ic u n dersta n din g o f w hat p re v en ts s o m eo n e f r o m d oin g a s w e ask ed ,
th en b y m y d e n it io n , w e h av e m ad e a r e q u es t, n ot a d em an d. C hoosin g t o
r e q u est r a th er t h an d em an d d oes n ot m ean w e g iv e up w hen s o m eo n e sa y s
n o t o o u r r e q u est. I t d oes m ean t h at w e don’t en gag e in p er su asio n u ntil w e
hav e e m path iz e d w it h w hat’s p re v en tin g t h e oth er p er so n f r o m s a y in g y es . Defi nin g O ur O bje ctiv e W hen M ak in g R eq u ests
E xp re ss in g g en u in e r e q u ests a ls o r e q u ir es a n a w aren ess o f o u r o bje ctiv e. If
o u r o bje c tiv e is o n ly t o c h an ge p eo p le an d t h ei r b eh av io r o r t o g et o u r w ay,
th en N VC i s n ot a n a p pro p ria te t o ol. e pro ce ss i s d es ig n ed f o r t h ose of u s
w ho w ou ld li k e o th ers t o c h an ge a n d r es pon d, b u t o n ly if t h ey c h oose to d o
so w illi n gly a n d co m pass io n ate ly . e obje ctiv e of N VC is to es ta b li s h a
re la tio n sh ip b ase d o n h on esty an d em path y. W hen o th er s tr u st th at o u r
prim ary c o m mit m en t i s t o t h e q u ali t y o f t h e re la tio n sh ip , a n d t h at w e ex pect
th is p ro ce ss t o f u l ll e v ery o n e’s n eed s, t h en t h ey c a n t r u st t h at o u r r e q u es ts
a re t r u e r e q u ests a n d n ot c a m ou ag ed d em an ds.
O ur o b je ctiv e is a re la tio ns hip b ase d o n h on esty a n d
em path y.
A c o n sc io u sn ess o f th is o bje c tiv e is d iffi cu lt to m ain ta in , es pecia lly fo r
p are n ts , te a ch ers , m an ag ers , an d oth er s w hose work ce n ter s aro u n d
in u en cin g p eo p le a n d o bta in in g b eh av io ra l res ult s . A m oth er w ho o n ce
re tu rn ed to a w ork sh op a er a lu n ch b re a k a n nou n ce d , “ M arsh all, I w en t
hom e a n d t r ie d i t . I t d id n’t w ork .” I a sk ed h er t o d es crib e w hat s h e’d d on e.
“I w en t hom e an d ex p re ss e d m y fe eli n gs an d need s, ju st as w e’d
p ra ctic e d . I m ad e n o c rit ic is m , n o j u dgm en ts o f m y s o n . I s im ply s a id , ‘L ook,
w hen I s e e t h at y o u h av en ’t d on e th e work y o u s a id y o u w er e go in g t o d o, I
f e el v ery d is a p p oin te d . I w an te d t o b e ab le to c o m e h om e a n d n d t h e hou se
in o rd er a n d y o u r c h ore s c o m ple te d .’ en I m ad e a re q u es t: I to ld h im I
w an te d h im t o c le an i t u p i m med ia te ly .”
“ It s o u n ds li k e y o u c le arly e x p re ss e d a ll t h e co m pon en ts ,” I c o m men te d .
“W hat h ap p en ed ?”
“H e d id n’t d o i t .”
“ en w hat h ap p en ed ?” I a sk ed .
“I t o ld h im h e c o u ld n’t g o t h ro u gh l i f e bei ng l a zy a n d i r res pon sib le .”
I c o u ld se e th at th is w om an w as n ot y et a b le to d is tin gu is h b et ween
ex p re ss in g r e q u ests a n d m ak in g d em an ds. S h e was s till d e nin g t h e pro ces s
as s u cce ss fu l o n ly i f s h e g o t c o m pli a n ce f o r h er “ re q u es ts .” D urin g t h e in it ia l ph ase s of le arn in g th is pro ce ss , w e may n d ou rs e lv es ap p ly in g th e
co m pon en ts o f N VC m ech an ic a lly w it h ou t aw aren ess o f th e un der ly in g
pu rp ose .
S o m etim es, how ev er, ev en w hen w e’r e co n sc io u s of ou r in ten t an d
ex p re ss o u r re q u est w it h ca re , p eo p le may still h ear a d em an d. is is
p artic u la rly tr u e w hen w e o cc u py p osit io n s o f a u th orit y a n d a re sp ea k in g
w it h t h ose w ho h av e h ad p ast e x p er ien ce s w it h c o er civ e au th orit y gu res .
Once, th e a d m in is tr a to r o f a h ig h s c h ool in vit e d m e to d em on str a te to
te a ch ers how N VC m ig h t help th em co m mun ic ate wit h stu den ts w ho
w ere n ’t c o op era tin g a s t h e t e a ch er s w ou ld h av e li k ed .
I w as a sk ed t o m eet w it h fo rty s tu den ts w ho h ad b een d eem ed “ s o cia lly
a n d e m otio n ally m ala d ju ste d .” I w as s tr u ck b y th e way s u ch la b els s er ve as
se lf - fu l lli n g p ro p h ecie s. I f y o u w er e a s tu den t w ho h ad b een th u s la b ele d ,
w ou ld n’t it ju st g iv e y o u p erm is s io n t o h av e so m e f u n a t s c h ool b y r es is tin g
w hate v er w as a sk ed o f y o u ? W hen w e g iv e peo p le la b els , w e te n d t o a ct in a
w ay th at c o n tr ib u te s to th e v ery b eh av io r th at c o n ce rn s u s, w hic h w e th en
vie w a s fu rth er c o n rm atio n o f o u r d ia g n osis . S in ce th es e stu den ts k n ew
th ey h ad b een c la ss i ed a s “ s o cia lly a n d em otio n ally m ala d ju ste d ,” I w asn ’t
s u rp ris e d t h at w hen I w alk ed i n , m ost o f t h em w er e han gin g o u t t h e w in dow
h olle rin g o b sc e n it ie s a t t h eir f r ien ds i n t h e co u rty ard b elo w .
I b eg an b y m ak in g a r e q u est: “ I’d li k e y o u a ll t o c o m e over a n d s it d ow n
so I c a n t e ll y o u w ho I a m a n d w hat I ’d li k e u s t o d o t o d ay.” A bou t h alf t h e
stu den ts c a m e o ver. U nce rta in th at th ey h ad a ll h eard m e, I rep eate d m y
re q u est. W it h th at, th e re m ain der of th e stu den ts sa t dow n, w it h th e
ex ce p tio n o f tw o y o u n g m en w ho rem ain ed d ra p ed o ver th e win dow sill.
U nfo rtu n ate ly f o r m e, t h ese t w o w er e th e big gest s tu den ts i n t h e cla ss .
“ E xcu se m e,” I a d dre ss e d t h em , “ w ou ld o n e o f y o u t w o g en tlem en t e ll m e
what yo u h eard m e sa y ?” O ne o f th em tu rn ed to w ard m e an d sn orte d ,
“Y ea h , y o u s a id w e h ad t o g o o ver t h er e an d s it d ow n.” I t h ou gh t t o m yse lf ,
“ U h, o h , h e’s h eard m y r e q u est a s a d em an d.”
O ut lo u d I sa id , “S ir ” — I’v e le arn ed a lw ay s to sa y “s ir ” to p eo p le wit h
b ic e p s li k e h is , e sp ecia lly w hen o n e o f t h em s p orts a t a tt o o— “w ou ld y o u b e
w illi n g t o t e ll m e h ow I c o u ld h av e let y o u k n ow w hat I w as w an tin g s o t h at
it w ou ld n’t s o u n d l i k e I w as b oss in g y o u a ro u n d?”
“H uh?” H av in g b een c o n dit io n ed to ex pect d em an ds fr o m a u th orit ies ,
he w as n ot u se d t o m y d iff ere n t a p pro ach . “ H ow c a n I l e t y o u k n ow w hat I ’m wan tin g f r o m y o u s o i t d oesn ’t s o u n d l i k e I d on’t c a re ab ou t w hat y o u ’d l i k e? ”
I r e p eate d . H e h esit a te d f o r a m om en t a n d s h ru gged , “ I d on’t k n ow .”
“ W hat’s g o in g o n b etw een y o u a n d m e rig h t n ow is a g o o d ex am ple of
w hat I w as w an tin g u s to ta lk a b ou t to d ay. I b eli e v e peo p le ca n en jo y e a ch
o th er a l o t b ett e r i f t h ey c a n s a y w hat t h ey w ou ld l i k e w it h ou t b oss in g o th er s
aro u n d. W hen I t e ll y o u w hat I ’d l i k e, I ’m n ot s a y in g t h at y o u h av e to d o i t o r
I’l l t r y t o m ak e y o u r l i f e m is e ra b le . I d on’t k n ow h ow t o s a y t h at i n a w ay t h at
y o u c a n tr u st.” T o m y r e li e f, th is s e em ed to m ak e sen se to th e yo u n g m an
w ho, to geth er w it h h is fr ie n d, s a u nter ed o ver to jo in th e gro u p. In c er ta in
s it u atio n s, s u ch a s t h is o n e, it m ay t a k e aw hile f o r o u r r e q u es ts t o b e cle arly
s e en f o r w hat t h ey a re .
W hen m ak in g a r e q u est, it is a ls o h elp fu l t o s c a n o u r m in ds f o r t h e so rt
o f t h ou gh ts t h at a u to m atic a lly t r a n sfo rm r e q u es ts i n to d em an ds:
H e sh ou ld b e c le an in g u p a er h im se lf .
S h e’s su pp ose d t o d o w hat I a sk .
I d ese rv e t o g et a r a is e .
I’m ju stifi ed i n h av in g t h em s ta y l a te r.
I h av e a rig h t t o m ore t im e o ff .
W hen w e fr a m e o u r n eed s w it h th es e th ou gh ts , w e a re bou n d to ju dge
o th ers w hen t h ey d on’t d o a s w e r e q u es t. I h ad t h es e se lf - r ig h te o u s t h ou gh ts
in m y m in d o n ce w hen m y y o u n ger so n w as n ot ta k in g o u t th e garb ag e.
W hen w e w ere d iv id in g t h e h ou se h old c h ores , h e had a g re ed t o t h is t a sk , b u t
ev ery d ay w e w ou ld h av e a n oth er str u gg le ab ou t g ett in g th e garb ag e ou t.
E very d ay I w ou ld r e m in d h im , “ is is y o u r jo b,” a n d “ W e all h av e jo b s” —
w it h t h e s o le o bje c tiv e o f g ett in g h im t o t a k e ou t t h e garb ag e.
F in ally , o n e n ig h t I li s te n ed m ore clo se ly t o w hat h e’d b een t e lli n g m e all
a lo n g a b ou t w hy th e g arb ag e w asn ’t g o in g o u t. I w ro te th e fo llo w in g s o n g
a er th at ev en in g’s dis c u ss io n . A er m y so n fe lt m y em path y fo r his
p osit io n , h e b eg an ta k in g o u t th e garb ag e wit h ou t an y fu rth er rem in der
fr o m m e.
If I c le a rly u n dersta n d
yo u i n te n d n o d em an d,
I’l l u su ally r e sp on d w hen y o u c a ll .
B ut i f y o u c o m e acro ss
li k e a h ig h a n d m ig h ty b oss , yo u ’l l f e el l i k e yo u r a n i n to a w all .
A nd w hen y o u r e m in d m e
so p io u sly
a b ou t a ll t h ose th in gs y o u ’v e don e f o r m e,
y o u ’d b ette r g et r e a d y:
H ere co m es a n oth er b ou t!
en y o u c a n s h ou t,
y o u c a n s p it ,
m oa n , g ro a n , a n d t h ro w a fi t;
I s till w on’t t a ke th e ga rb age ou t.
N ow e v en i f y o u s h ou ld c h an ge yo u r s ty le ,
It’s g o in g t o t a ke m e a l i t tle w hile
b efo re I c a n f o rg iv e an d f o rg et.
B eca u se it s e e m s t o m e th at y o u
d id n’t s e e m e as h u m an t o o
u ntil a ll y o u r s ta n dard s w ere m et.
— “S o n g f r o m B re tt” b y M arsh all B . R ose n berg Su m mary
e f o u rth c o m pon en t o f N VC a d dres ses t h e qu es tio n o f w hat w e w ou ld li k e
to re q u est o f e a ch o th er to e n ric h e a ch o f o u r li v es. W e tr y to a v o id v ag u e,
a b str a ct, or am big u ou s ph ra sin g, an d rem ember to u se posit iv e actio n
la n gu ag e b y s ta tin g w hat w e a re r e q u estin g r a th er t h an w hat w e a re n ot.
E ach tim e w e sp ea k , th e c le are r w e a re ab ou t w hat w e w an t b ack , th e
m ore li k ely w e a re to g et it . S in ce th e m essa g e we sen d is n ot a lw ay s th e
m ess a g e t h at’s r e ce iv ed , w e n eed t o le arn h ow t o n d o u t i f o u r m essa g e has
b een acc u ra te ly h eard . E sp ecia lly w hen w e are ex p res sin g o u rs e lv es in a
g ro u p, w e n eed t o b e c le ar a b ou t t h e natu re of t h e res pon se we a re wan tin g.
O th erw is e w e m ay be in it ia tin g unpro du ctiv e co n ver sa tio n s th at w aste
c o n sid era b le g ro u p t im e.
R eq u ests a re r e ce iv ed a s d em an ds w hen l i s ten ers b eli e v e th at t h ey w ill b e
bla m ed o r p u n is h ed i f t h ey d o n ot c o m ply . W e c a n h elp o th er s t r u st t h at w e
are r e q u estin g, n ot d em an din g, b y in dic atin g o u r d es ir e fo r t h em t o c o m ply
o n ly if th ey ca n d o so w illi n gly . e obje ctiv e of N VC is n ot to ch an ge
p eo p le an d th eir beh av io r in ord er to get ou r w ay ; it is to es ta b li s h
re la tio n sh ip s base d on h on esty an d em path y th at w ill ev en tu ally fu l ll
e v ery o n e’s n eed s.
N VC i n A ctio n
Sh arin g F ea rs A bou t a B est F rie n d’s S m ok in g
A l an d Burt hav e been best fr ien ds fo r over th ir ty years . A l, a
non sm oker, h as d on e e v ery th in g h e ca n o ver th e years to p er su ad e
B urt to g iv e u p h is tw o-p ack -a -d ay h ab it . In th e past, w hen A l h ad
tr ie d t o g et h im t o q u it , B urt h ad o en a cc u se d A l o f j u dgin g h im .
Aw are d u rin g th e p ast y ear o f th e in cre a sin g s e v er it y o f h is fr ien d’s
h ack in g co u gh , A l n ds h im se lf b u rstin g o u t o n e day w it h all th e
en erg y a n d l i f e t h at h ad b een b u rie d i n h is u n ex pres se d a n ger a n d f e ar.
A l: B urt, I k n ow w e’v e ta lk ed a b ou t th is a d ozen tim es, b u t li s te n . I’m s c a re d y o u r d am ned c ig are tt es a re go in g to k ill y o u ! Y ou ’r e
m y b est f r ie n d, a n d I w an t y o u a ro u n d fo r a s lo n g a s I c a n h av e
yo u . P le a se d on’t t h in k I ’m ju dgin g y o u . I ’m n ot— I’m ju st r e a lly
w orrie d .
B urt: N o, I h ear y o u r c o n ce rn . W e’v e b een f r ien ds f o r a l o n g t im e …
A l: ( m akin g a r e q u est) W ou ld y o u b e w illi n g t o q u it ?
B urt: I w is h I c o u ld .
A l: ( li s te n in g fo r t h e fe eli n gs a n d n ee d s p re v en tin g B urt fr o m a gre e in g
to th e re q u est) A re y o u s c a re d to tr y b ecau se y o u d on’t w an t to
fa il?
B urt: Y ea h … y o u k n ow h ow m an y tim es I ’v e tr ie d b ef ore … I k n ow
p eo p le t h in k l e ss o f m e f o r n ot b ei ng a b le to q u it .
A l: ( g u essin g a t w hat B urt m ig h t w an t t o r e q u est) I d on’t t h in k le ss o f
yo u . A nd i f y o u t r ie d a n d f a ile d a g ain , I s till w ou ld n’t . I ju st w is h
y o u ’d t r y.
B urt: an ks. B ut y o u ’r e n ot t h e o n ly o n e… . I t’s e v er yo n e: y o u c a n s e e
it i n t h eir e y es— th ey t h in k y o u ’r e a f a ilu re .
A l: ( e m path iz in g w it h B urt’s fe eli n g) Is it k in d o f o verw helm in g to
w orr y a b ou t w hat o th ers m ig h t t h in k, w hen ju st q u it t in g is h ard
e n ou gh ?
B urt: I re a lly h ate th e id ea th at I m ig h t b e ad dic te d , th at I h av e
so m eth in g t h at I j u st c a n ’t c o n tr o l …
A l: ( A l’s e y es c o n n ect w it h B urt’s ; h e nod s h is h ea d . A l’s in te re st a n d
atte n tio n t o B urt’s d ee p f e eli n gs a n d n eed s a re re v ea le d t h ro u gh h is
e y es a n d t h e sile n ce th at f o llo w s.)
B urt: I m ean , I d on’t e v en li k e sm okin g a n y m ore . It’s li k e y o u ’r e a
paria h i f y o u d o i t i n p u bli c . I t’s e m barra ss in g.
A l: ( c o n tin u in g to e m path iz e) It s o u n ds li k e y o u ’d r e a lly li k e to q u it ,
b u t a re s c a re d y o u m ig h t fa il— an d h ow th at w ou ld b e fo r y o u r
se lf - im ag e a n d c o n den ce.
B urt: Y ea h , I g u ess t h at’s it … . Y ou k n ow , I d on’t t h in k I ’v e ev er t a lk ed
a b ou t it b efo re . U su ally w hen p eo p le te ll m e to q u it , I ju st te ll th em t o g et lo st. I ’d li k e t o q u it , b u t I d on’t w an t a ll t h at p res su re
fr o m p eo p le .
A l: I w ou ld n’t w an t t o p re ssu re y o u . I d on’t k n ow if I c o u ld r e a ssu re
y o u a b ou t y o u r fe ars a ro u n d n ot su cce ed in g, b u t I su re wou ld
li k e to s u pp ort y o u in a n y w ay I c a n . at is … if y o u w an t m e
to … .
Burt: Y es, I d o. I’m re a lly to u ch ed b y y o u r c o n ce rn a n d w illi n gn es s.
B ut … s u pp ose I’m n ot r e a d y to tr y y et , is th at o kay w it h y o u
to o?
A l: O f c o u rs e , B urt, I ’l l s till li k e y o u a s m uch . I t’s ju st t h at I w an t t o
li k e y o u f o r l o n ger!
B ecau se A l’s re q u est w as a gen u in e re q u es t, not a dem an d, he
m ain ta in ed aw are n ess of his co m mit m en t to th e qu ali t y of th e
re la tio n sh ip , r e g ard le ss o f B urt’s r es pon se . H e ex pres se d t h is a w aren ess
an d h is r e sp ec t fo r B urt’s n eed fo r a u to n om y th ro u gh h is w ord s, “ I’l l
s till li k e y o u ,” w hile sim ult a n eo u sly ex pres sin g h is o w n n eed “to li k e
yo u f o r l o n ger.”
B urt: W ell, th en , m ay b e I w ill tr y a g ain … b u t d on’t te ll a n yo n e els e ,
o kay ?
A l: S u re , y o u d ecid e w hen y o u ’r e r e a d y; I w on’t b e m en tio n in g it t o
a n yb o d y. Exerc is e 4
E X PR ESSIN G R EQ UEST S
To s e e w heth er w e’r e in a g re em en t a b ou t th e cle ar ex pres sio n o f re q u es ts ,
c ir c le t h e n u m ber in f r o n t o f e a ch o f t h e fo llo w in g s ta te m en ts in w hic h t h e
sp ea k er i s c le arly r e q u estin g t h at a s p eci c a ctio n b e ta k en .
1. “ I w an t y o u t o u n dersta n d m e.”
2. “ I’d l i k e y o u t o t e ll m e o n e t h in g t h at I d id t h at y o u a p pre cia te .”
3. “ I’d l i k e y o u t o f e el m ore c o n den ce i n y o u rs e lf .”
4. “ I w an t y o u t o s to p d rin kin g.”
5. “ I’d l i k e y o u t o l e t m e b e m e.”
6. “ I’d l i k e y o u t o b e h on est w it h m e ab ou t y ester day ’s m eet in g.”
7. “ I w ou ld l i k e y o u t o d riv e a t o r b elo w t h e sp eed l i m it .”
8. “ I’d l i k e t o g et t o k n ow y o u b ett e r.”
9. “ I w ou ld l i k e y o u t o s h ow r e sp ec t f o r m y p riv acy.”
1 0 . “ I’d l i k e y o u t o p re p are s u pp er m ore o en .”
H ere are m y r e sp on se s f o r E xerc is e 4:
1. I f y o u c ir c le d th is n u m ber, w e’r e n ot in a g re em ent. T o m e, th e word
u n dersta n d d oes n ot c le arly e x p re ss a re q u es t fo r a sp eci c a ctio n . A
re q u est fo r a s p eci c a ctio n m ig h t b e: “ I w an t y o u t o t e ll m e w hat y o u
h eard m e s a y.”
2. I f y o u c ir c le d t h is n u m ber, w e’r e i n a g re em ent t h at t h e sp ea k er i s c le arly
r e q u estin g a s p eci c a ctio n .
3. I f y o u c ir c le d th is n u m ber, w e’r e not in a g re em ent. T o m e, th e word s
fe el m ore co n fi den ce d o n ot cle arly ex p re ss a re q u es t fo r a sp eci c
actio n . A r e q u est fo r a s p eci c a ctio n m ig h t b e: “ I’d li k e yo u to ta k e a
co u rs e in a ss e rtiv en ess tr a in in g, w hic h I b eli e v e wou ld in cre a se yo u r
se lf - c o n den ce.” 4. 4 . I f y o u c ir c le d t h is n u m ber, w e’r e not i n a g re em ent. T o m e, t h e word s
sto p d rin kin g d o n ot e x p re ss w hat t h e s p ea k er w an ts , b u t r a th er w hat h e
or s h e d oesn ’t w an t. A r e q u est fo r a s p eci c a ctio n m ig h t b e: “ I w an t
yo u t o t e ll m e w hat n eed s o f y o u rs a re m et b y d rin kin g, a n d t o d is c u ss
w it h m e o th er w ay s o f m eetin g t h ose need s.”
5. I f y o u c ir c le d t h is n u m ber, w e’r e not i n a g re em ent. T o m e, t h e w ord s le t
m e be me d o n ot cle arly ex p re ss a re q u est fo r a sp eci c actio n . A
re q u est f o r a s p eci c a ctio n m ig h t b e: “ I w an t y o u t o t e ll m e y o u w on’t
l e av e o u r r e la tio n sh ip — ev en i f I d o s o m e t h in gs t h at y o u d on’t l i k e.”
6. I f y o u c ir c le d t h is n u m ber, w e’r e n ot i n a g re em ent. T o m e, t h e w ord s b e
h on est w it h m e d o n ot c le arly e x p re ss a r e q u est fo r a s p eci c a ctio n . A
r e q u est fo r a s p eci c a ctio n m ig h t b e: “ I w an t y o u to te ll m e how y o u
fe el a b ou t w hat I d id a n d w hat y o u ’d l i k e m e to d o d iff er en tly .”
7. I f y o u c ir c le d t h is n u m ber, w e’r e i n a g re em ent t h at t h e sp ea k er i s c le arly
r e q u estin g a s p eci c a ctio n .
8. I f y o u c ir c le d t h is n u m ber, w e’r e n ot i n a g re em ent. T o m e, t h e w ord s g et
to k n ow y o u b ette r d o n ot c le arly e x p re ss a r e q u est f o r a s p eci c a ctio n .
A r e q u est fo r a s p eci c a ctio n m ig h t b e: “ I’d li k e y o u to te ll m e if y o u
w ou ld b e w illi n g t o m eet f o r l u n ch o n ce a w eek .”
9. I f y o u c ir c le d th is n u m ber, w e’r e not in a g re em ent. T o m e, th e word s
sh ow re sp ect fo r m y priv a cy d o n ot cle arly ex p re ss a re q u est fo r a
sp eci c a ctio n . A r e q u est f o r a s p eci c a ctio n m ig h t b e: “ I’d li k e y o u t o
a g re e t o k n ock b efo re y o u e n te r m y o ffi ce.”
1 0 . I f y o u c ir c le d th is n u m ber, w e’r e not in a g re em ent. T o m e, th e word s
m ore o en d o n ot cle arly ex p re ss a re q u es t fo r a sp eci c actio n . A
re q u est fo r a s p eci c a ctio n m ig h t b e: “ I’d li k e y o u to p rep are su pp er
ev ery M on day n ig h t.” T
7
Rece iv in g E m path ic a lly
h e la st fo u r c h ap te rs d esc rib ed t h e fo u r c o m pon en ts o f N VC: w hat w e
are o b se rv in g, f e eli n g, a n d n eed in g, a n d w hat w e w ou ld li k e to r e q u es t
to e n ric h o u r li v es. N ow w e tu rn fr o m s e lf - ex pres sio n to a p p ly th es e sa m e
fo u r c o m pon en ts t o h earin g w hat o th er s a re ob ser vin g, f e eli n g, n eed in g, a n d
re q u estin g. W e r e fe r to t h is p art o f t h e co m mun ic atio n p ro ce ss a s re ce iv in g
em path ic a lly .
e t w o p arts o f N VC :
1. e x p re ssin g h on estly
2 . r e ce iv in g e m path ic a lly Pre se n ce : D on’t J u st D o S om eth in g, S ta n d ere
E m path y is a r e sp ec tfu l u n dersta n din g o f w hat o th er s a re ex per ien cin g. e
Chin ese ph ilo so p h er Chu an g-T zu sta te d th at tr u e em path y re q u ir es
li s te n in g w it h th e w hole b ein g: “ e hearin g th at is o n ly in th e ears is o n e
th in g. e h earin g o f th e u n dersta n din g is a n oth er . B ut th e hearin g o f th e
sp ir it is n ot li m it e d to a n y o n e fa cu lt y , to th e ear, o r to th e m in d. H en ce it
d em an ds th e em ptin ess o f all th e fa cu lt ies . A nd w hen th e fa cu lt ies are
e m pty , th en th e w hole b ein g li s ten s. ere is th en a d ir e ct g ra sp o f w hat is
r ig h t th ere b efo re y o u th at c a n n ev er b e heard w it h th e ear o r u n der sto od
w it h t h e m in d.”
E m path y: em pty in g o u r m in d a n d li s te n in g w it h o u r
w hole b ein g
Em path y w it h o th ers o cc u rs o n ly w hen w e hav e su cces sfu lly sh ed a ll
p re co n ce iv ed id ea s a n d ju dgm en ts a b ou t th em . e Austr ia n -b orn Is r a eli
p h ilo so p h er M artin Buber desc rib es th is qu ali t y of pres en ce th at li f e
d em an ds o f u s: “ In s p it e o f a ll s im ila rit ies , e v er y li v in g s it u atio n h as, li k e a
n ew born c h ild , a n ew fa ce, t h at h as n ev er b een b ef ore an d w ill n ev er c o m e
ag ain . It d em an ds o f y o u a r e a ctio n t h at c a n not b e prep are d b ef ore h an d. It
d em an ds n oth in g o f w hat is p ast. It d em an ds p res en ce, res pon sib ili t y ; it
d em an ds y o u .”
e pre se n ce th at em path y re q u ir es is not ea sy to m ain ta in . “ e
cap acit y t o g iv e o n e’s a tt e n tio n t o a s u ff erer is a v er y r a re an d d iffi cu lt t h in g;
it is a lm ost a m ir a cle ; it is a m ir a cle ,” a ss er ts F ren ch p h ilo so p h er S im on e
W eil. “ N early a ll t h ose w ho t h in k t h ey h av e th e cap acit y d o n ot p oss es s it .”
I n ste a d o f o ff erin g e m path y, w e ten d in ste a d to g iv e ad vic e o r r e a ssu ra n ce
a n d to e x p la in o u r o w n p osit io n o r fe eli n g. E m path y, o n th e oth er h an d,
re q u ir e s u s t o f o cu s f u ll a tt e n tio n o n t h e oth er p er so n’s m essa g e. W e giv e to
o th ers t h e t im e a n d s p ace t h ey n eed to e x p res s t h em se lv es fu lly a n d to fe el
u n dersto od . ere is a B udd h is t sa y in g th at ap tly d es crib es th is ab ili t y :
“D on’t j u st d o s o m eth in g, s ta n d t h er e.” Ask b efo re o ff erin g a d vic e o r r e a ssu ra n ce .
It is o en fr u str a tin g fo r s o m eo n e need in g em path y to h av e us a ssu m e
th at th ey w an t re a ssu ra n ce o r “ x-it ” a d vic e. I re ce iv ed a les so n fr o m m y
dau gh te r th at ta u gh t m e to c h eck w het her a d vic e o r r e a ssu ra n ce is w an te d
b efo re o ff erin g a n y. S h e w as lo okin g in t h e m ir ro r o n e d ay a n d s a id , “ I’m a s
u gly a s a p ig .”
“ Y ou ’r e th e m ost g o rg eo u s cre atu re God ev er p u t o n th e fa ce of th e
earth ,” I d ecla re d . Sh e sh ot m e a lo ok o f ex asp er atio n , ex cla im ed , “O h,
D ad dy!” a n d s la m med th e d oor a s s h e le th e ro om . I la te r fo u n d o u t th at
sh e h ad w an te d s o m e e m path y. I n ste a d o f m y ill- tim ed r e a ssu ra n ce, I c o u ld
h av e a sk ed , “ A re y o u f e eli n g d is a p p oin te d w it h y o u r a p p eara n ce t o d ay ?”
M y fr ie n d H olle y H um ph re y id en ti ed so m e c o m mon b eh av io rs th at
p re v en t u s fr o m b ein g su ffi cie n tly p res en t to co n nect em path ic a lly w it h
o th ers . e f o llo w in g a re e x am ples :
Advis in g: “ I t h in k y o u s h ou ld … ” “ H ow c o m e yo u d id n’t … ? ”
O ne-u ppin g: “ at’s n oth in g; w ait ’l l y o u h ear w hat h ap p en ed t o m e.”
E du catin g: “ is c o u ld tu rn in to a v er y p osit iv e ex per ien ce fo r y o u if
y o u j u st … ”
C on so li n g: “ It w asn ’t y o u r f a u lt ; y o u d id t h e bes t y o u c o u ld .”
S to ry -te lli n g: “ at r e m in ds m e o f t h e tim e … ”
S h u tt in g d ow n: “ C heer u p. D on’t f e el s o b ad .”
S y m path iz in g: “ O h, y o u p oor t h in g … ”
I n te rro gatin g: “ W hen d id t h is b eg in ?”
E xp la in in g: “ I w ou ld h av e c a lle d b u t … ”
C orre c tin g: “ at’s n ot h ow i t h ap p en ed .”
I n h is b o ok W hen B ad in gs H app en to G oo d P eo p le , R ab bi H aro ld
K ush n er d esc rib es h ow p ain fu l it w as fo r h im , w hen h is s o n w as d yin g, to
h ear th e w ord s p eo p le o ff ere d th at w ere in ten ded to m ak e him fe el b et ter .
Even m ore p ain fu l w as h is re co gn it io n th at fo r tw en ty y ears h e had b een
sa y in g t h e s a m e t h in gs t o o th er p eo p le in s im ila r s it u atio n s!
B eli e v in g w e h av e t o “ x” s it u atio n s a n d m ak e oth er s f e el b et ter p re v en ts
u s fr o m bein g pre se n t. ose of us in th e ro le of co u n se lo r or
p sy ch oth era p is t a re p artic u la rly s u sc e p tib le to t h is b eli ef . O nce, w hen I w as work in g w it h tw en ty -th re e m en ta l h ea lt h p ro fe ss io n als , I ask ed th em to
w rit e , w ord fo r w ord , h ow th ey w ou ld res pon d to a c li en t w ho sa y s, “ I’m
f e eli n g v ery d ep re ss e d . I ju st d on’t s e e an y r e a so n to g o o n .” I c o lle cte d th e
an sw ers t h ey h ad w rit t e n d ow n a n d a n nou n ce d , “ I a m n ow g o in g t o r e a d o u t
lo u d w hat e a ch o f y o u w ro te . I m ag in e yo u rs e lf i n t h e ro le of t h e per so n w ho
ex p re ss e d t h e f e eli n g o f d ep re ss io n , a n d r a is e yo u r h an d a er e a ch s ta tem ent
yo u h ear th at g iv es y o u a s e n se th at y o u ’v e been u n der sto od .” H an ds w er e
ra is e d to on ly th re e of th e tw en ty -th re e res pon ses . Q uestio n s su ch as,
“ W hen d id th is b eg in ?” c o n stit u te d th e m ost fr e q u en t res pon se; th ey g iv e
th e a p p eara n ce t h at t h e p ro fe ss io n al is o bta in in g t h e in fo rm atio n n eces sa ry
to dia g n ose an d th en tr e at th e pro blem . In fa ct, su ch in te lle ctu al
u n dersta n din g of a pro ble m blo ck s th e kin d of pres en ce th at em path y
re q u ir e s. W hen w e a re th in kin g a b ou t p eo p le ’s w ord s a n d li s ten in g to h ow
th ey c o n nec t to o u r th eo rie s, w e are lo okin g a t p eo p le— we are not w it h
t h em . e k ey i n gre d ie n t o f e m path y i s p res en ce : w e a re w holly p res en t w it h
t h e o th er p arty a n d w hat th ey a re ex per ien cin g. is q u ali t y o f p res en ce
d is tin gu is h es em path y fr o m eit h er m en ta l un der sta n din g or sy m path y.
W hile w e m ay c h oose a t tim es to sy m path iz e w it h o th er s b y fe eli n g th ei r
fe eli n gs, it ’s h elp fu l to b e a w are th at d u rin g th e mom en t w e are off er in g
sy m path y, w e a re n ot e m path iz in g.
In te lle ctu al u n dersta n din g b lo ck s e m path y. Lis te n in g f o r F eeli n gs a n d N eed s
In N VC, n o m att e r w hat w ord s p eo p le use to ex pres s t h em se lv es , w e li s ten
fo r th eir o b se rv atio n s, fe eli n gs, n eed s, a n d r e q u es ts . I m ag in e yo u ’v e lo an ed
y o u r c a r t o a n ew n eig h bor w ho h ad a p er so n al em ergen cy, a n d w hen y o u r
fa m ily n ds o u t, t h ey r e a ct w it h i n ten sit y : “ Y ou a re a f o ol f o r h av in g t r u ste d
a to ta l str a n ger!” Y ou c a n u se th e co m pon en ts o f N VC to tu n e in to th e
fe eli n gs a n d n eed s o f t h ose f a m ily m em ber s i n c o n tr a st t o ei th er ( 1 ) b la m in g
yo u rs e lf b y t a k in g t h e m ess a g e p ers o n ally , o r ( 2 ) b la m in g a n d j u dgin g t h em .
No m att e r w hat o th ers s a y, w e o n ly h ea r w hat t h ey a re
(1 ) ob se r v in g, (2 ) fe eli n g, (3) need in g, an d (4)
r e q u estin g.
In th is s it u atio n , it ’s o bvio u s w hat th e fa m ily is o b ser vin g a n d r e a ctin g
to : t h e l e n din g o f t h e c a r t o a r e la tiv e str a n ger. I n o th er s it u atio n s, i t m ay n ot
b e s o c le ar. I f a c o lle a g u e te lls u s, “ Y ou ’r e not a g o od te am p la y er ,” w e m ay
n ot k n ow w hat h e o r s h e is o b ser vin g, a lt h ou gh w e ca n u su ally g u es s a t t h e
beh av io r t h at m ig h t h av e t r ig gere d s u ch a s ta te m en t.
e f o llo w in g e x ch an ge, f r o m a w ork sh op, d em on str a te s t h e diffi cu lt y o f
fo cu sin g o n o th er p eo p le ’s fe eli n gs a n d n eed s w hen w e a re acc u sto m ed to
a ssu m in g re sp on sib ili t y fo r th eir fe eli n gs a n d ta k in g m essa g es p er so n ally .
e w om an in t h is d ia lo gu e w an te d to le arn to h ear t h e fe eli n gs a n d n eed s
beh in d c e rta in o f h er h u sb an d’s s ta te m en ts . I s u ggeste d t h at s h e gu es s a t h is
f e eli n gs a n d n eed s a n d t h en c h eck i t o u t w it h h im .
Husb an d’s
s ta te m en t:
W hat g o od d oes t a lk in g t o y o u d o? Y ou n ev er l i s ten .
Wom an : A re y o u f e eli n g u n hap py w it h m e?
M BR : W hen y o u sa y “w it h m e,” y o u im ply th at h is fe eli n gs a re th e
re su lt o f w hat y o u d id . I w ou ld p ref er fo r y o u to s a y, “A re yo u
u n hap py b ecau se yo u w ere n eed in g … ?” an d n ot “A re yo u
u n hap py w it h m e?” I t w ou ld p u t y o u r a tt en tio n o n w hat’s g o in g on w it h in h im a n d d ecre a se th e li k eli h ood o f y o u r ta k in g th e
m ess a g e p ers o n ally .
W om an : B ut w hat w ou ld I sa y ? “A re yo u u n hap py b ecau se yo u … ?
B ecau se y o u w hat? ”
M BR : G et yo u r clu e fr o m th e co n te n t of yo u r h u sb an d’s m ess a g e,
“W hat g o od d oes ta lk in g to y o u d o? Y ou n ev er li s ten .” W hat is
h e n eed in g t h at h e’s n ot g ett in g w hen h e sa y s t h at?
W om an : (tr y in g to em path iz e wit h th e need s ex p re ss e d th ro u gh her
h u sb an d’s m ess a ge) A re y o u f e eli n g u n hap py b ecau se yo u f e el l i k e
I d on’t u n dersta n d y o u ?
M BR : N otic e th at y o u a re fo cu sin g o n w hat h e’s th in kin g, a n d n ot o n
w hat he’s need in g. I th in k yo u ’l l n d peo p le to be le ss
th re ate n in g if y o u h ear w hat th ey ’r e need in g ra th er th an w hat
th ey ’r e t h in kin g a b ou t y o u . I n ste a d o f h earin g t h at h e’s u n hap py
b ecau se h e t h in ks y o u d on’t l i s te n , f o cu s o n w hat h e’s n eed in g b y
sa y in g, “ A re y o u u n hap py b ecau se yo u a re need in g … ”
W om an : (tr y in g a ga in ) A re y o u f e eli n g u n hap py b ecau se yo u a re need in g
to b e h eard ?
M BR : at’s w hat I h ad in m in d. D oes it m ak e a d iff er en ce fo r y o u to
h ear h im t h is w ay ?
W om an : D e n it e ly — a big diff ere n ce. I se e what’s go in g on fo r him
w it h ou t h earin g t h at I h ad d on e a n yth in g w ro n g.
L is te n t o w hat p eo p le a re n eed in g r a th er t h an w hat t h ey
a re t h in kin g. Para p h ra sin g
A er w e f o cu s o u r a tt e n tio n a n d h ear w hat o th er s a re ob ser vin g, f e eli n g, a n d
need in g a n d w hat t h ey a re r e q u estin g to e n ric h t h ei r li v es , w e m ay w is h to
r e ec t b ack b y p ara p h ra sin g w hat w e hav e un der sto od . In o u r p re v io u s
dis c u ss io n o n r e q u ests ( C hap te r 6 ) , w e d is c u ss e d h ow t o a sk f o r a r e ectio n ;
now w e w ill l o ok a t h ow t o o ff er i t t o o th er s.
If we hav e acc u ra te ly re ce iv ed th e oth er party ’s m ess a g e, ou r
para p h ra sin g w ill co n rm th is fo r th em . If, on th e oth er han d, ou r
para p h ra se is in co rre c t, w e g iv e th e sp ea k er a n o p p ortu n it y to c o rre ct u s.
A noth er a d van ta g e o f c h oosin g t o r e ect a m ess a g e back t o t h e oth er p arty
is t h at it o ff ers t h em t im e t o r e ect o n w hat t h ey ’v e sa id a n d a n o p p ortu n it y
to d elv e d eep er i n to t h em se lv es.
N VC su ggests th at o u r p ara p h ra sin g ta k e th e fo rm o f q u es tio n s th at
re v ea l o u r u n dersta n din g w hile e li c it in g a n y n ece ss a ry c o rre ctio n s f r o m t h e
sp ea k er. Q uestio n s m ay f o cu s o n t h es e co m pon en ts :
1. w hat o th ers a re o b se rv in g: “A re y o u r e a ctin g to h ow m an y e v en in gs I
w as g o n e l a st w eek ?”
2. h ow o th ers a re f e eli n g a n d t h e n eed s g en er atin g t h ei r f e eli n gs: “A re yo u
fe eli n g h u rt b ecau se y o u w ou ld h av e li k ed m ore ap pre cia tio n o f y o u r
eff orts t h an y o u r e ce iv ed ?”
3. w hat o th ers a re r e q u estin g: “ A re y o u w an tin g m e to t e ll y o u m y r e a so n s
fo r s a y in g w hat I d id ?”
ese q u estio n s r e q u ir e u s t o s e n se w hat’s g o in g o n w it h in o th er p eo p le ,
w hile in vit in g th eir c o rre c tio n s sh ou ld w e hav e sen se d in co rre ctly . N otic e
th e d iff ere n ce b etw een t h ese q u estio n s a n d t h e on es b elo w :
1. “ W hat d id I d o t h at y o u a re r e fe rrin g t o ?”
2. “ H ow a re y o u f e eli n g?” “ W hy a re y o u f e eli n g t h at w ay ?”
3. “ W hat a re y o u w an tin g m e t o d o a b ou t i t ? ”
is s e co n d s e t o f q u estio n s a sk s fo r in fo rm atio n w it h ou t rst s en sin g
th e s p ea k er’s r e a li t y . ou gh th ey m ay a p p ear to b e th e m ost d ir e ct w ay to co n nec t w it h w hat’s go in g on w it h in th e oth er p er so n , I’v e fo u n d th at
q u estio n s li k e th ese a re n ot th e sa fes t ro u te to o bta in th e in fo rm atio n w e
se ek . M an y su ch q u estio n s m ay g iv e sp ea k er s th e im pres sio n th at w e’r e a
sc h oolt e a ch er e x am in in g t h em o r a p sy ch oth er ap is t w ork in g o n a c a se . I f w e
do d ecid e t o a sk f o r i n fo rm atio n i n t h is w ay, h ow ev er , I ’v e fo u n d t h at p eo p le
f e el s a fe r if w e rst r e v ea l th e fe eli n gs a n d n eed s w it h in o u rs e lv es th at a re
g en era tin g t h e q u estio n . us, in ste a d o f a sk in g s o m eo n e, “ W hat d id I d o?”
w e m ig h t s a y, “ I’m fr u str a te d b ecau se I’d li k e to b e cle arer a b ou t w hat y o u
are r e fe rr in g to . W ou ld y o u b e w illi n g to te ll m e what I’v e don e th at le a d s
yo u t o s e e m e in t h is w ay ?” W hile t h is s tep m ay n ot b e neces sa ry — or e v en
h elp fu l— in s it u atio n s w here o u r fe eli n gs a n d n eed s a re cle arly c o n vey ed b y
th e co n te x t o r to n e o f v o ic e, I w ou ld re co m men d it p artic u la rly d u rin g
m om en ts w hen t h e q u estio n s w e ask a re acco m pan ie d b y s tr o n g em otio n s.
W hen ask in g fo r in fo rm atio n , fi rst ex p re ss ou r ow n
fe eli n gs a n d n eed s.
H ow d o w e d ete rm in e if an o cc a sio n ca lls fo r u s to re ect p eo p le ’s
m ess a g es b ack to th em ? C erta in ly if w e are un su re th at w e hav e acc u ra te ly
u n dersto od t h e m ess a g e, w e m ig h t u se para p h ra sin g t o e li c it a c o rre ctio n t o
o u r g u ess . B ut e v en i f w e a re c o n den t t h at w e’v e un der sto od t h em , w e m ay
se n se th e o th er p arty w an tin g co n rm atio n th at th ei r m essa g e has b een
a cc u ra te ly r e ce iv ed . ey m ay e v en ex pres s t h is d es ir e over tly b y a sk in g, “ Is
th at cle ar? ” or “D o yo u u n dersta n d w hat I m ean ?” A t su ch m om en ts ,
h earin g a c le ar p ara p h ra se w ill o en b e m ore re a ssu rin g t o t h e sp ea k er t h an
h earin g s im ply , “ Y es, I u n dersta n d.”
F or e x am ple , s h ortly a er p artic ip atin g in a n N VC t r a in in g, a v o lu nte er
at a h osp it a l w as re q u este d b y so m e n u rs es to ta lk to a n e ld er ly p atien t:
“ W e’v e t o ld t h is w om an s h e i s n ’t t h at s ic k a n d t h at s h e’d g et b et ter i f s h e to ok
h er m ed ic in e, b u t a ll s h e d oes is s it in h er r o om a ll d ay lo n g r ep eatin g, ‘I
w an t to d ie . I w an t to d ie .’ ” e v o lu nte er a p pro ach ed th e eld er ly w om an ,
an d a s th e n u rs e s h ad p re d ic te d , fo u n d h er sit t in g a lo n e, w his p er in g o ver
an d o ver, “ I w an t t o d ie .”
“ S o y o u w ou ld li k e to d ie ,” th e v o lu nte er em path iz e d . S u rp ris e d , th e
w om an b ro ke o ff h er c h an t a n d a p p eare d r e li e v ed . S h e beg an to ta lk a b ou t how no on e un dersto od how te rrib le sh e was fe eli n g. e vo lu nte er
co n tin u ed to re ec t b ack th e w om an ’s fe eli n gs; b ef ore lo n g, su ch w arm th
h ad en te re d th eir d ia lo gu e th at th ey w er e sit t in g w it h th ei r a rm s lo ck ed
a ro u n d e a ch o th er. L ate r t h at d ay, t h e nu rs es q u es tio n ed t h e vo lu nte er a b ou t
h er m ag ic fo rm ula : th e eld erly w om an h ad sta rte d to eat an d ta k e her
m ed ic in e, a n d w as a p p are n tly i n b et ter s p ir it s . A lt h ou gh t h e nu rs es h ad t r ie d
to h elp h er w it h a d vic e a n d r e a ssu ra n ce, it w asn ’t u ntil h er in ter actio n w it h
t h e vo lu nte er th at th is w om an re ce iv ed w hat sh e was tr u ly need in g:
co n nec tio n w it h an oth er hu m an bei ng w ho co u ld hear her pro fo u n d
desp air .
ere a re n o i n fa lli b le g u id eli n es r eg ard in g w hen t o p ara p h ra se , b u t a s a
r u le of th u m b, it is sa fe to assu m e th at sp ea k er s ex pres sin g in ten se ly
e m otio n al m ess a g es w ou ld ap pre cia te o u r re ectin g th es e back to th em .
When w e o u rs e lv es a re ta lk in g, w e ca n m ak e it e a sier fo r th e li s ten er if w e
cle arly s ig n if y w hen w e w an t o r d on’t w an t o u r w ord s t o b e re ecte d b ack t o
u s.
R efl ect b ack m ess a g es t h at a re e m otio n ally c h arg ed .
ere are occ a sio n s w hen w e m ay ch oose not to ver bally re ect
so m eo n e’s s ta te m en ts o u t o f r e sp ect f o r c e rta in c u lt u ra l n orm s. F or ex am ple ,
a C hin ese m an o n ce a tt e n ded a w ork sh op t o le arn h ow t o h ear t h e fe eli n gs
an d n eed s b eh in d h is fa th er’s rem ark s. B ecau se he co u ld n ot b ear th e
crit ic is m a n d att a ck h e c o n tin u ally h eard in h is fa th er ’s w ord s, th is m an
d re a d ed v is it in g h is fa th er a n d a v o id ed h im fo r m on th s a t a t im e. H e ca m e
to m e t e n y ears la te r a n d r e p orte d t h at h is a b ili t y t o h ear f e eli n gs a n d n eed s
h ad r a d ic a lly t r a n sfo rm ed h is r e la tio n sh ip w it h h is f a th er t o t h e poin t w her e
th ey n ow e n jo y a c lo se a n d lo vin g c o n nectio n . A lt h ou gh h e li s ten s fo r h is
f a th er’s fe eli n gs a n d n eed s, h ow ev er , h e does n ot p ara p h ra se w hat h e h ears .
“ I n ev er s a y it o u t lo u d,” h e e x p la in ed . “ In o u r c u lt u re , to d ir e ct- ta lk to a
p ers o n a b ou t th eir fe eli n gs is s o m ethin g th ey ’r e not u se d to . B ut th an ks to
t h e fa ct th at I n o lo n ger h ear w hat h e sa y s a s a n a tt a ck , b u t a s h is o w n
fe eli n gs a n d n eed s, o u r r e la tio n sh ip h as b eco m e en orm ou sly w on der fu l.” Para p h ra se on ly when it co n tr ib u te s to gre a te r
co m passio n a n d u n dersta n din g.
“S o y o u ’r e n ev er g o in g t o t a lk d ir e ctly t o h im a b ou t f e eli n gs, b u t it h elp s
to b e a b le t o h ear t h em ?” I a sk ed .
“N o, n ow I th in k I ’m p ro b ab ly r e a d y,” h e an sw ere d . “ N ow th at w e hav e
su ch a s o li d r e la tio n sh ip , if I w ere to s a y to h im , ‘D ad , I ’d li k e to b e ab le to
t a lk d ir e c tly t o y o u a b ou t w hat w e a re fe eli n g,’ I t h in k h e ju st m ig h t b e re a d y
to d o i t .”
W hen w e p ara p h ra se , th e to n e o f vo ic e w e u se is h ig h ly im porta n t.
W hen h earin g t h em se lv es r e ecte d b ack , p eo p le are li k ely t o b e sen sit iv e to
t h e sli g h te st hin t of crit ic is m or sa rc a sm . ey are li k ew is e neg ativ ely
a ff ec te d b y a d ecla ra tiv e to n e th at im pli es th at w e a re te lli n g th em w hat is
g o in g o n in sid e o f th em . If w e a re co n sc io u sly li s ten in g fo r o th er p eo p le ’s
f e eli n gs an d n eed s, how ev er, ou r to n e co m mun ic ates th at w e’r e ask in g
w heth er w e h av e u n dersto od — not c la im in g t h at w e hav e un der sto od .
W e a ls o n eed t o b e p re p are d f o r t h e poss ib ili t y t h at t h e in ten tio n b eh in d
ou r p ara p h ra sin g w ill b e m is in te rp ret ed . “ D on’t p u ll a n y o f t h at p sy ch olo gy
cra p o n m e!” w e m ay b e to ld . S h ou ld th is o cc u r, w e co n tin u e ou r eff ort to
s e n se th e s p ea k er’s fe eli n gs a n d n eed s; p er hap s w e se e in th is c a se th at th e
sp ea k er d oesn ’t tr u st o u r m otiv es an d n eed s m ore un dersta n din g o f o u r
in te n tio n s b efo re h e c a n a p pre cia te h earin g o u r p ara p h ra ses . A s w e’v e se en ,
all c rit ic is m , a tt a ck , in su lt s , a n d ju dgm en ts v an is h w hen w e fo cu s a tt en tio n
o n h earin g t h e fe eli n gs a n d n ee d s b eh in d a m ess a g e. e m ore we pra ctic e
in th is w ay, th e m ore w e r e a li z e a s im ple tr u th : b eh in d a ll th ose m essa g es
w e’v e a llo w ed o u rs e lv es t o b e i n tim id ate d b y a re ju st i n div id u als w it h u n m et
need s a p p ea li n g to u s to c o n tr ib u te to th ei r w ell- b ei ng. W hen w e re cei ve
m ess a g es w it h th is a w are n ess , w e nev er fe el d eh u m an iz e d b y w hat o th er s
hav e to sa y to u s. W e o n ly fe el d eh u m an iz e d w hen w e get tr a p p ed in
d ero gato ry im ag es of oth er peo p le or th ou gh ts of w ro n gn es s ab ou t
ou rs e lv es. A s a u th or a n d m yth olo gis t Jo sep h C am pbell su ggeste d , “‘W hat
w ill t h ey t h in k o f m e?’ m ust b e p u t a sid e fo r b li s s .” W e beg in t o f e el t h is b li s s
w hen m ess a g es p re v io u sly e x p erien ce d a s c rit ic a l o r b la m in g b eg in to b e
se en f o r t h e g i s t h ey a re : o p p ortu n it ies t o g iv e to p eo p le w ho a re in p ain . Beh in d in tim id atin g mess a g es are mere ly peo p le
a p p ea li n g t o u s t o m eet t h eir n eed s.
A d iffi cu lt m ess a g e b eco m es a n o p p ortu n it y to en ric h
so m eo n e’s l i f e .
If it h ap p en s re g u la rly th at p eo p le dis tr u st o u r m otiv es a n d sin cer it y
w hen w e para p h ra se th eir w ord s, w e m ay need to ex am in e ou r ow n
in te n tio n s m ore clo se ly . P erh ap s w e are para p h ra sin g an d en gag in g th e
co m pon en ts of N VC in a m ech an is tic w ay w it h ou t m ain ta in in g cle ar
co n sc io u sn ess o f p u rp ose . W e m ig h t a sk o u rs e lv es , f o r ex am ple , w het her w e
are m ore i n te n t o n a p p ly in g t h e p ro ce ss “ c o rre ctly ” t h an o n c o n nectin g w it h
t h e h u m an b ein g in fr o n t o f u s. O r p er hap s, e v en th ou gh w e a re usin g th e
fo rm o f N VC, o u r o n ly i n te re st i s i n c h an gin g t h e oth er p er so n’s b eh av io r.
S o m e peo p le re sis t para p h ra sin g as a waste of tim e. O ne cit y
a d m in is tr a to r e x p la in ed d u rin g a p ra ctic e s es sio n , “ I’m p aid t o g iv e fa cts a n d
so lu tio n s, n ot t o s it a ro u n d d oin g p sy ch oth er ap y w it h e v er yo n e who c o m es
in to m y o ffi ce.” is s a m e a d m in is tr a to r, h ow ev er , w as b ei ng c o n fr o n te d b y
an gry c it iz e n s w ho w ou ld c o m e to h im w it h th ei r p ass io n ate c o n cer ns a n d
le av e d is s a tis ed fo r n ot h av in g b een h eard . S o m e o f th es e cit iz en s la ter
c o n ded to m e, “ W hen y o u g o to h is o ffi ce, h e giv es y o u a b u n ch o f fa cts ,
b u t y o u n ev er k n ow w heth er h e’s h eard y o u rst. W hen th at h ap p en s, y o u
sta rt to d is tr u st h is fa cts .” P ara p h ra sin g te n ds to sa v e, ra th er th an w aste ,
tim e. S tu die s in la b or- m an ag em en t n eg otia tio n s d em on str a te th at th e tim e
re q u ir e d to re a ch co n ic t re so lu tio n is cu t in h alf w hen ea ch n eg otia to r
ag re es, b efo re re sp on din g, to a cc u ra te ly rep eat w hat th e pre v io u s sp ea k er
h ad s a id .
P ara p h ra sin g s a v es t im e.
I re ca ll a m an who was in it ia lly sk ep tic a l ab ou t th e valu e of
p ara p h ra sin g. H e a n d h is w if e w er e att en din g a n N VC w ork sh op du rin g a tim e w hen th eir m arria g e w as bes et by ser io u s pro blem s. D urin g th e
w ork sh op, h is w if e s a id t o h im , “ Y ou n ev er l i s ten t o m e.”
“ I d o t o o,” h e r e p li e d .
“N o, y o u d on’t ,” s h e c o u nte re d .
I a d dre ss e d t h e hu sb an d: “ I’m a fr a id y o u j u st p ro ved h er p oin t. Y ou d id n’t
r e sp on d i n a w ay t h at l e ts h er k n ow t h at y o u w er e li s ten in g t o h er .”
H e w as p u zzle d b y t h e p oin t I w as m ak in g, s o I a sk ed f o r p er m is s io n t o
p la y h is r o le — whic h h e g la d ly g av e sin ce h e w asn ’t h av in g t o o m uch s u cces s
wit h i t . H is w if e a n d I t h en h ad t h e fo llo w in g ex ch an ge:
W if e: “ Y ou n ev er l i s te n t o m e.”
M BR i n r o le of h u sb an d: “ It s o u n ds l i k e y o u ’r e t e rrib ly f r u str a te d b ecau se
y o u w ou ld l i k e t o f e el m ore c o n nectio n w hen w e sp ea k .”
e w if e w as m oved t o t e ars w hen s h e n ally r e ce iv ed t h is c o n rm atio n
th at sh e h ad b een u n dersto od . I tu rn ed to th e hu sb an d a n d ex pla in ed , “ I
b eli e v e t h is is w hat s h e is t e lli n g y o u s h e need s— a r e ectio n o f h er fe eli n gs
an d n ee d s a s a c o n rm atio n th at sh e’d b een h eard .” e hu sb an d se em ed
d u m bfo u n ded . “ Is th at a ll sh e w an te d ?” h e ask ed , in cre d u lo u s th at su ch a
s im ple a ct c o u ld h av e h ad s u ch a s tr o n g i m pact o n h is w if e .
A sh ort tim e la te r, h e e n jo yed th e sa tis fa ctio n rsth an d w hen h is w if e
r e ec te d b ack to h im a sta te m en t th at h e had m ad e wit h g re at em otio n al
in te n sit y . S av o rin g h er p ara p h ra se , h e lo oked a t m e an d d ecla re d , “ It’s v ali d .”
I t is a p oig n an t e x p erie n ce to re ce iv e co n cret e ev id en ce th at so m eo n e is
e m path ic a lly c o n nec te d t o u s. Su sta in in g E m path y
I re co m men d a llo w in g o th ers th e op p ortu n it y to fu lly e x p res s th em se lv es
b efo re tu rn in g o u r a tt e n tio n to so lu tio n s o r re q u es ts fo r re li ef . W hen w e
pro ce ed t o o q u ic k ly t o w hat p eo p le m ig h t b e re q u es tin g, w e m ay n ot c o n vey
o u r g en u in e in te re st in th eir fe eli n gs a n d n eed s; in ste a d , th ey m ay g et th e
im pre ss io n th at w e’r e in a h u rr y to ei th er b e fr e e of th em o r to x th ei r
pro ble m . F u rth erm ore , a n i n it ia l m ess a g e is o en l i k e th e tip o f a n i c eb er g; i t
m ay be fo llo w ed by as yet un ex pres se d , bu t re la te d — an d o en m ore
p ow erfu l— fe eli n gs. B y m ain ta in in g o u r a tt en tio n o n w hat’s g o in g o n w it h in
o th ers , w e o ff er th em a c h an ce to fu lly ex plo re an d ex pres s th ei r in ter io r
se lv es. W e w ou ld ste m th is ow if w e wer e to sh i a tt en tio n to o q u ic k ly
e it h er t o t h eir r e q u est o r t o o u r o w n d es ir e to ex pres s o u rs e lv es .
Su pp ose a m oth er co m es to u s, sa y in g, “M y ch ild is im poss ib le . N o
m att e r w hat I t e ll h im t o d o, h e d oes n’t li s te n .” W e m ig h t r e ect h er f e eli n gs
an d n eed s b y s a y in g, “ It s o u n ds li k e yo u ’r e fe eli n g d es per ate a n d w ou ld li k e
to n d so m e w ay o f c o n nec tin g w it h y o u r so n .” S u ch a p ara p h ra se o en
en co u ra g es a p ers o n to lo ok w it h in . If w e hav e acc u ra te ly re ecte d h er
sta te m en t, t h e m oth er m ig h t t o u ch u p on o th er f e eli n gs: “ M ay b e it ’s m y f a u lt .
I ’m a lw ay s y elli n g a t h im .” A s th e li s ten er, w e wou ld c o n tin u e to s ta y w it h
t h e f e eli n gs a n d n eed s b ein g e x p res se d a n d s a y, f o r ex am ple , “ A re yo u f e eli n g
gu ilt y b ecau se y o u w ou ld h av e li k ed to h av e been m ore un dersta n din g o f
h im th an yo u hav e been at tim es?” If th e moth er co n tin u es to sen se
u n dersta n din g in o u r re ec tio n , sh e m ig h t m ove fu rth er in to h er fe eli n gs
an d d ecla re , “ I’m ju st a f a ilu re a s a m oth er .” W e c o n tin u e to r em ain w it h t h e
fe eli n gs a n d n eed s b ein g e x p re ss e d : “ S o y o u ’r e fe eli n g d is c o u ra g ed a n d w an t
to r e la te d iff ere n tly t o h im ?” W e p er sis t in t h is m an ner u ntil t h e per so n h as
ex h au ste d a ll h er f e eli n gs s u rro u n din g t h is i s su e.
W hen w e s ta y w it h e m path y, w e a llo w s p ea k ers t o t o u ch
d eep er l e v els o f t h em se lv es.
W hat e v id en ce is th ere th at w e’v e ad eq u ate ly em path iz e d w it h th e oth er
p ers o n ? F ir st, w hen a n in div id u al r e a li z e s th at e v er yth in g g o in g o n w it h in has re ce iv ed fu ll e m path ic u n dersta n din g, th ey w ill e x p er ien ce a sen se of
re li e f. W e ca n beco m e aw are of th is ph en om en on by notic in g a
co rre sp on din g re le a se o f te n sio n in o u r o w n b o d y. A se co n d, e v en m ore
o bvio u s s ig n is th at th e p ers o n w ill s to p ta lk in g. If w e a re u n ce rta in a s to
w heth er w e h av e s ta y ed lo n g e n ou gh in th e pro ce ss , w e c a n a lw ay s a sk , “ Is
th ere m ore t h at y o u w an te d t o s a y ?”
W e k n ow a s p ea k er h as r e ce iv ed a d eq u ate e m path y w hen
(1 ) w e s e n se a r e le a se o f t e n sio n , o r ( 2) t h e fl ow o f w ord s
co m es t o a h alt . When P ain B lo ck s O ur A bili t y t o Em path iz e
It is im poss ib le fo r u s to g iv e so m eth in g to an oth er if w e don’t h av e it
o u rs e lv es. L ik ew is e , if w e n d o u rs e lv es u n ab le or u nw illi n g to em path iz e
d esp it e o u r e ff orts , it i s u su ally a s ig n t h at w e are to o s ta rv ed f o r em path y t o
b e a b le to o ff er it to o th ers . S o m etim es, if w e op en ly a ck n ow le d ge th at o u r
ow n dis tr e ss is pre v en tin g us fr o m res pon din g em path ic a lly , th e oth er
p ers o n m ay c o m e t h ro u gh w it h t h e em path y w e need .
W e n eed e m path y t o g iv e e m path y.
A t o th er tim es, it m ay b e n eces sa ry to p ro vid e ou rs e lv es w it h so m e
“e m erg en cy rst a id ” e m path y b y li s te n in g to w hat’s g o in g o n in o u rs e lv es
w it h th e sa m e q u ali t y o f p re sen ce an d att en tio n th at w e off er to o th er s.
F orm er U nit e d N atio n s S ecre ta ry -G en eral D ag H am marsk jo ld o n ce sa id ,
“ e m ore fa it h fu lly y o u li s te n to th e vo ic e w it h in y o u , th e bet ter y o u w ill
h ear w hat is h ap p en in g o u ts id e.” If w e b eco m e sk ille d a t g iv in g o u rs e lv es
em path y, w e o en ex p erie n ce in ju st a fe w se co n ds a n atu ra l re le a se of
en erg y t h at t h en e n ab le s u s t o b e p res en t w it h t h e oth er p er so n . I f t h is f a ils
t o h ap p en , h ow ev er, w e h av e a c o u ple of o th er c h oic e s.
W e c a n sc re am — non vio le n tly . I re ca ll sp en din g th re e day s m ed ia tin g
betw een tw o g an gs th at h ad b een k illi n g e a ch o th er o ff . O ne gan g c a lle d
th em se lv es B la ck E gyp tia n s; t h e o th er , t h e East S t. L ou is P oli c e D ep artm en t.
e s c o re w as t w o t o o n e— a t o ta l o f t h re e dea d w it h in a m on th . A er t h re e
te n se d ay s tr y in g to b rin g th ese gro u p s to geth er to h ear e a ch o th er a n d
re so lv e th eir d iff ere n ce s, I w as d riv in g h om e an d th in kin g h ow I n ev er
w an te d t o b e i n t h e m id d le o f a c o n ic t a g ain f o r t h e res t o f m y l i f e .
e rst th in g I sa w w hen I w alk ed th ro u gh th e back d oor w as m y
ch ild re n e n ta n gle d in a gh t. I h ad n o en ergy to em path iz e w it h t h em s o I
s c re am ed n on vio le n tly : “ H ey, I ’m in a lo t o f p ain ! R ig h t n ow I r e a lly d o n ot
w an t t o d ea l w it h y o u r gh tin g! I j u st w an t s o m e p ea ce a n d q u ie t!” M y o ld er
so n , t h en n in e, s to p p ed s h ort, l o oked a t m e, a n d a sk ed , “ D o y o u w an t t o t a lk
a b ou t i t ? ” If w e a re a b le t o s p ea k o u r p ain n ak ed ly w it h ou t b la m e, I n d t h at e v en
p eo p le i n d is tr e ss a re s o m etim es a b le to h ear o u r n eed . O f c o u rs e I w ou ld n’t
w an t to sc re am , “W hat’s th e m att er w it h yo u ? D on’t yo u k n ow h ow to
b eh av e a n y b ett e r? I ju st g o t h om e a er a r o u gh d ay !” o r in sin u ate in a n y
w ay th at th eir beh av io r w as at fa u lt . I sc re am n on vio len tly by ca lli n g
att e n tio n t o m y o w n d esp era te n eed s a n d p ain i n t h e m om en t.
I f, h ow ev er, t h e o th er p arty i s a ls o ex per ien cin g s u ch i n ten sit y o f f e eli n gs
th at th ey c a n n eit h er h ear u s n or le av e us a lo n e, a n d n eit h er em ergen cy
em path y n or n on vio le n t s c re am in g h as s er ved u s w ell, o u r t h ir d r e co u rs e is
t o p hysic a lly re m ove o u rs e lv es fr o m th e sit u atio n . W e giv e ou rs e lv es tim e
ou t a n d th e o p p ortu n it y to a cq u ir e th e em path y w e need to ret urn in a
d iff ere n t f r a m e o f m in d. Su m mary
E m path y is a r e sp ec tfu l u n dersta n din g o f w hat o th er s a re ex p er ien cin g. W e
o en h av e a str o n g u rg e to g iv e a d vic e o r re a ssu ra n ce a n d to ex pla in o u r
ow n p osit io n o r f e eli n g. E m path y, h ow ev er , c a lls u p on u s t o em pty o u r m in d
an d l i s te n t o o th ers w it h o u r w hole b ei ng.
In N VC, n o m att e r w hat w ord s o th er s m ay u se to ex pres s t h em se lv es , w e
sim ply li s te n fo r th eir o b se rv atio n s, fe eli n gs, n eed s, a n d r e q u es ts . en w e
m ay w is h to r e ec t b ack , p ara p h ra sin g w hat w e h av e un dersto od . W e sta y
w it h e m path y a n d a llo w o th ers th e op p ortu n it y to fu lly e x p res s th em se lv es
b efo re w e t u rn o u r a tt e n tio n t o s o lu tio n s o r r e q u es ts f o r r e li ef .
W e n eed em path y to g iv e em path y. W hen w e sen se ou rs e lv es b ei ng
defe n siv e or un ab le to em path iz e, w e need to (1 ) sto p, bre ath e, giv e
o u rs e lv es e m path y; ( 2 ) s c re am n on vio len tly ; o r ( 3 ) t a k e tim e ou t.
N VC i n A ctio n
A W if e C on nects W it h H er D yin g H usb an d
A p atie n t h ad ju st b een d ia g n ose d w it h an ad van ce d sta g e o f lu n g
ca n ce r. e f o llo w in g s c e n e a t h is h om e, i n vo lv in g t h e patien t, h is w if e ,
a n d a v is it in g n u rs e , r e p re se n ts a la st o p p ortu n it y fo r h im to c o n nect
em otio n ally w it h h is w if e a n d d is c u ss h is d yin g b ef ore bei ng a d m it t e d
to th e h osp it a l. e w if e b eg an th e co n ver sa tio n w it h th e nu rs e by
co m pla in in g a b ou t th e p hysic a l th er ap is t w ho w as p art o f th e hom e
hea lt h c a re t e am a ss ig n ed t o h er h u sb an d’s c a re .
W if e : S h e’s a b ad t h era p is t.
N urs e : (li s te n in g e m path ic a lly to w hat th e wif e is fe eli n g a n d w an tin g)
A re y o u f e eli n g a n noyed a n d w an tin g t o s e e a d iff er en t q u ali t y
o f c a re ?
W if e : S h e d oesn ’t d o a n yth in g. S h e m ad e him s to p w alk in g w hen h is
p u ls e g o t h ig h .
N urs e : (c o n tin u in g to h ea r th e wif e ’s fe eli n gs a n d w an ts ) Is it b ecau se yo u w an t y o u r h u sb an d to g et b et ter th at y o u ’r e sc a re d if th e
physic a l t h era p is t d oesn ’t p u sh h im , h e w on’t g et s tr o n ger?
W if e : (sta rtin g t o c r y ) Y es, I ’m s o s c a re d !
N urs e : A re y o u s c a re d o f l o sin g h im ?
W if e : Y es, w e’v e b een t o geth er s o l o n g.
N urs e : (li s te n in g fo r o th er fe eli n gs b eh in d th e fe a r) A re y o u w orr y in g
ab ou t h ow y o u w ou ld f e el i f h e d ies ?
W if e : I ju st c a n ’t im ag in e h ow I a m g o in g to li v e wit h ou t h im . H e’s
a lw ay s b een t h ere f o r m e. A lw ay s.
N urs e : S o y o u ’r e s a d w hen y o u t h in k o f l i v in g w it h ou t h im ?
W if e : ere is n o o n e e ls e b esid es h im . H e’s a ll I h av e, y o u k n ow . M y
dau gh te r w on’t e v en t a lk t o m e.
N urs e : It so u n ds li k e w hen yo u th in k of yo u r d au gh ter , yo u fe el
fr u str a te d b ecau se y o u w is h y o u h ad a d iff er en t re la tio n sh ip
w it h h er.
W if e : I w is h I d id , b u t s h e i s s u ch a s e l sh p er so n . I d on’t k n ow w hy I
e v en b oth ere d h av in g k id s. A l o t o f g o o d i t d oes m e now !
N urs e : S o u n ds to m e li k e yo u m ig h t be so m ew hat an gry an d
dis a p p oin te d b ecau se y o u w an t m ore su pp ort fr o m th e fa m ily
d u rin g y o u r h u sb an d’s i lln ess .
W if e : Y es, h e’s s o s ic k ; I d on’t k n ow h ow I a m g o in g to g et th ro u gh
th is a lo n e. I h av en ’t a n yo n e … n ot e v en t o t a lk t o , ex ce p t w it h
y o u h ere … n ow . E ven h e w on’t ta lk a b ou t it … . L ook a t h im !
(H usb an d re m ain s sile n t an d im pa ssiv e.) H e doesn ’t sa y
a n yth in g!
N urs e : A re y o u s a d , w is h in g t h e t w o o f y o u c o u ld s u pp ort e a ch o th er
an d f e el m ore c o n nec te d ?
W if e : Y es. ( S h e pau se s, t h en m akes a r e q u est.) T alk t o h im t h e w ay y o u
ta lk t o m e.
N urs e : (w is h in g to c le a rly u n dersta n d th e need th at is b ein g a d dre ss e d
b eh in d t h e w if e ’s r e q u est) A re y o u w an tin g h im t o b e li s te n ed t o
in a w ay t h at h elp s h im e x p re ss w hat h e’s f e eli n g i n sid e?
W if e : Y es, y es, t h at’s e x actly it ! I w an t h im t o f e el c o m fo rta b le ta lk in g an d I w an t t o k n ow w hat h e i s f e eli n g.
U sin g t h e n u rs e’s g u ess , t h e w if e w as a b le to rst b eco m e aw are of w hat
sh e w an te d a n d th en n d th e w ord s to a rtic u la te it . is w as a k ey
m om en t: o en it is d iffi cu lt fo r p eo p le to id en tif y w hat t h ey w an t in a
s it u atio n , e v en th ou gh th ey m ay k n ow w hat th ey d on’t w an t. W e se e
h ow a c le ar r e q u est— “T alk to h im th e way y o u ta lk to m e” — is a g i
t h at e m pow ers th e o th er p ers o n . e nu rs e was th en a b le to a ct in a
w ay s h e k n ew t o b e i n h arm on y w it h t h e w if e ’s w is h es. is a lt e re d t h e
atm osp h ere in th e r o om , a s th e n u rs e an d th e wif e co u ld n ow “ w ork
to geth er,” b oth i n a c o m pass io n ate m od e.
N urs e : (tu rn in g to th e hu sb an d) H ow d o y o u fe el w hen y o u h ear
w hat y o u r w if e h as s h are d ?
H usb an d: I r e a lly l o ve h er.
N urs e : A re y o u g la d t o h av e a n o p p ortu n it y t o t a lk a b ou t t h is w it h
h er?
H usb an d: Yes, w e n eed t o t a lk a b ou t i t .
N urs e : W ou ld y o u b e w illi n g to s a y h ow y o u a re fe eli n g a b ou t th e
ca n ce r?
H usb an d: (a er a b rie f s ile n ce) N ot v ery g o od .
e w ord s g o od an d ba d are o en u se d to d esc rib e fe eli n gs w hen
p eo p le h av e y et t o id en tif y t h e s p eci c e m otio n t h ey a re ex per ien cin g.
E xp re ss in g h is f e eli n gs m ore p re cis e ly w ou ld h elp t h is p atien t w it h t h e
em otio n al c o n nec tio n h e w as s e ek in g w it h h is w if e .
N urs e : (e n co u ra gin g h im to m ove to w ard m ore pre cis io n ) A re y o u
sc a re d a b ou t d yin g?
H usb an d: N o, n ot sc a re d . ( N otic e th e nu rse ’s in co rre ct g u ess d oes n ot
h am per t h e co n tin u ed fl ow o f d ia lo gu e.)
N urs e : (B eca u se th is patie n t is n ’t ab le to verb ali z e his in te rn al
ex p erie n ce ea sily , th e nu rse co n tin u es to su pp ort h im in th e
pro ce ss .) D o y o u f e el a n gry a b ou t d yin g? Husb an d: N o, n ot a n gry.
N urs e : (A t t h is p oin t, a er t w o i n co rre ct g u ess e s, t h e nu rse decid es t o
e x p re ss h er o w n fe eli n gs.) W ell, n ow I ’m p u zzle d a b ou t w hat
y o u m ay b e f e eli n g, a n d w on der i f y o u c a n t e ll m e.
H usb an d: I r e ck o n , I ’m t h in kin g h ow s h e’l l d o w it h ou t m e.
N urs e : O h, a re y o u w orrie d s h e m ay n ot b e ab le to h an dle her li f e
w it h ou t y o u ?
H usb an d: Yes, w orrie d s h e’l l m is s m e.
N urs e : (S h e is a w are th at d yin g p atie n ts o en h an g o n d u e to w orr y
o ver th ose th ey are le a vin g beh in d, an d so m etim es need
re a ssu ra n ce th at lo ved o n es c a n a cce p t t h eir d ea th b efo re th ey
ca n le t th em se lv es g o .) D o y o u w an t to h ear h ow y o u r w if e
fe els w hen y o u s a y t h at?
H usb an d: Yes.
H ere t h e w if e j o in ed t h e c o n vers a tio n ; i n t h e co n tin u ed p res en ce o f
th e n u rs e , t h e c o u ple b eg an t o e x p res s t h em se lv es o p en ly t o e a ch o th er .
In t h is d ia lo gu e, t h e w if e b eg an w it h a c o m pla in t a b ou t t h e physic a l
th era p is t. H ow ev er, a er a se ries o f ex ch an ges d u rin g w hic h sh e fe lt
e m path ic a lly r e ce iv ed , s h e w as a b le to d eter m in e th at w hat s h e re a lly
s o u gh t w as a d eep er c o n nec tio n w it h h er h u sb an d d u rin g th is c rit ic a l
sta g e o f t h eir l i v es. Exerc is e 5
R EC EIV IN G E M PA T H IC A LLY V ER SU S N O N-E M PA T H IC A LLY
T o s e e w heth er w e a re i n a g re em en t a b ou t t h e ver bal ex pres sio n o f em path y,
p le a se c ir c le th e n u m ber in fr o n t o f e a ch sta te m en t in w hic h p er so n B is
r e sp on din g e m path ic a lly t o w hat i s g o in g o n w it h in P er so n A .
1. P ers o n A : H ow c o u ld I d o s o m eth in g s o s tu pid ?
P ers o n B : N ob o d y i s p erfe c t; y o u ’r e t o o h ard o n y o u rs e lf .
2 . P ers o n A : If y o u a sk m e, w e o u gh t t o s h ip a ll t h es e im mig ra n ts b ack t o
w here t h ey c a m e f r o m .
Pers o n B : D o y o u r e a lly t h in k t h at w ou ld s o lv e an yth in g?
3 . P ers o n A : You a re n ’t G od !
P ers o n B : A re y o u fe eli n g fr u str a te d b ecau se yo u w ou ld li k e m e to
a d m it th at th ere ca n b e oth er w ay s of in ter pret in g th is
m att e r?
4 . P ers o n A : I th in k th at y o u ta k e m e fo r g ra n te d . I w on der h ow y o u
w ou ld m an ag e w it h ou t m e.
P ers o n B : at’s n ot t r u e! I d on’t t a k e y o u f o r g ra n te d .
5. P ers o n A : H ow c o u ld y o u s a y a t h in g l i k e t h at t o m e?
Pers o n B : A re y o u f e eli n g h u rt b ecau se I s a id t h at?
6 . P ers o n A : I’m fu rio u s w it h m y h u sb an d. H e’s n ev er a ro u n d w hen I
n eed h im .
Pers o n B : You t h in k h e s h ou ld b e a ro u n d m ore th an h e is ?
7 . P ers o n A : I’m d is g u ste d w it h h ow h eav y I ’m g ett in g.
P ers o n B : Perh ap s j o ggin g w ou ld h elp .
8. P ers o n A : I’v e been a nerv o u s w re ck pla n nin g fo r m y dau gh ter ’s
w ed din g. H er an cé’s f a m ily i s n ot h elp in g. A bou t e v er y d ay
th ey c h an ge th eir m in ds a b ou t th e kin d o f w ed din g th ey
w ou ld l i k e.
P ers o n B : So y o u ’r e f e eli n g n erv o u s a b ou t h ow t o m ak e arra n gem en ts
a n d w ou ld a p pre cia te i t i f y o u r f u tu re in -la w s c o u ld b e m ore aw are o f t h e c o m pli c atio n s t h eir i n decis io n c re ate s f o r y o u ?
9. P ers o n A : W hen m y r e la tiv es c o m e w it h ou t let tin g m e kn ow a h ea d o f
tim e, I f e el in vad ed . I t r e m in ds m e of h ow m y p aren ts u se d
to d is re g ard m y n eed s a n d w ou ld p la n t h in gs f o r m e.
P ers o n B : I k n ow h ow y o u f e el. I u se d t o f e el t h at w ay t o o.
10. P ers o n A : I’m d is a p p oin te d w it h y o u r p erfo rm an ce. I w ou ld h av e li k ed
y o u r d ep artm en t t o d ou ble y o u r p ro du ctio n l a st m on th .
Pers o n B : I u n dersta n d th at y o u a re d is a p p oin te d , b u t w e hav e had
m an y a b se n ce s d u e t o i lln ess .
H ere are m y r e sp on se s f o r E xerc is e 5:
1. I d id n’t c ir c le th is o n e b ecau se I se e Per so n B g iv in g re a ssu ra n ce to
P ers o n A ra th er th an em path ic a lly re ce iv in g w hat Per so n A is
e x p re ss in g.
2. I s e e P ers o n B a tt e m ptin g t o e d u cate Per so n A r a th er t h an em path ic a lly
r e ce iv in g w hat P ers o n A i s e x p re ss in g.
3. I f y o u c ir c le d th is w e a re in a g re em ent. I se e Per so n B em path ic a lly
r e ce iv in g w hat P ers o n A i s e x p re ss in g.
4. I d id n’t c ir c le t h is o n e b ecau se I s e e Per so n B d is a g re ei ng a n d d ef en din g
ra th er t h an e m path ic a lly r e ce iv in g w hat i s g o in g o n i n P er so n A .
5. I s e e P ers o n B ta k in g r e sp on sib ili t y fo r P er so n A ’s fe eli n gs r a th er th an
em path ic a lly r e ce iv in g w hat i s g o in g o n i n P er so n A . A n e x am ple of a n
em path ic r e sp on se m ig h t b e: “A re yo u fe eli n g h u rt b ecau se yo u w ou ld
h av e l i k ed m e t o a g re e t o d o w hat y o u r e q u es te d ?”
6. I f y o u c ir c le d t h is w e a re in p artia l a g re em ent. I s e e Per so n B r e cei vin g
Pers o n A ’s t h ou gh ts . H ow ev er, I b eli e v e we c o n nect m ore deep ly w hen
w e re ce iv e th e fe eli n gs an d n eed s b ei ng ex p res se d ra th er th an th e
th ou gh ts . ere fo re , I w ou ld h av e pref er re d it i f P er so n B h ad s a id , “ S o
yo u ’r e fe eli n g fu rio u s b ecau se y o u w ou ld li k e h im to b e aro u n d m ore
th an h e i s ? ”
7. I d id n’t c ir c le t h is o n e b ecau se I s e e Per so n B g iv in g a d vic e r a th er t h an
em path ic a lly r e ce iv in g w hat i s g o in g o n i n P er so n A . 8. I f y o u c ir c le d th is w e a re in a g re em ent. I se e Per so n B em path ic a lly
r e ce iv in g w hat i s g o in g o n i n P ers o n A .
9. I did n’t cir c le th is on e becau se I se e Per so n B assu m in g th ey
u n dersta n d an d ta lk in g ab ou t th ei r ow n fe eli n gs ra th er th an
em path ic a lly r e ce iv in g w hat i s g o in g o n i n P er so n A .
10 . I d id n’t c ir c le th is o n e b ecau se I s e e Per so n B s ta rtin g b y fo cu sin g o n
P ers o n A ’s f e eli n gs b u t t h en s h i in g t o ex pla in in g. 8
e P ow er o f E m path y C
Em path y at H ea ls
a rl R ogers d esc rib ed t h e i m pact o f e m path y o n i t s r e cip ien ts : “ W hen …
s o m eo n e r e a lly h ears y o u w it h ou t p ass in g ju dgm en t o n y o u , w it h ou t
tr y in g to ta k e re sp on sib ili t y fo r y o u , w it h ou t tr y in g to m old y o u , it fe els
d am n g o od ! … W hen I h av e b een li s te n ed t o a n d w hen I h av e been h eard , I
a m a b le t o r e p erc e iv e m y w orld in a n ew w ay a n d t o g o o n . I t is a sto n is h in g
how e le m en ts th at se em in so lu ble beco m e so lu ble when so m eo n e li s ten s,
h ow co n fu sio n s th at se em ir rem ed ia b le tu rn in to re la tiv ely cle ar ow in g
str e am s w hen o n e i s h eard .”
E m path y a llo w s u s “ to r e p erc e iv e [ o u r] w orld in a n ew
w ay a n d t o g o o n .”
O ne o f m y f a v o rit e s to rie s a b ou t em path y c o m es f r o m t h e prin cip al o f a n
in novativ e s c h ool. S h e h ad re tu rn ed a er lu n ch o n e d ay to n d M illy , a n
ele m en ta ry s c h ool s tu den t, s it t in g d eje cte d ly i n h er o ffi ce wait in g t o s e e her .
Sh e s a t d ow n n ex t t o M illy , w ho b eg an , “ M rs . A nder so n , h av e yo u e v er h ad a
w eek w hen e v ery th in g y o u d id h u rt s o m eb o d y e ls e , a n d y o u n ev er i n ten ded
to h u rt a n yo n e a t a ll? ”
“Y es,” th e p rin cip al re p li e d , “I th in k I u n der sta n d,” w her eu pon M illy
p ro ce ed ed t o d esc rib e h er w eek . “ B y n ow ,” t h e prin cip al r e la te d , “ I w as q u it e
la te f o r a v ery i m porta n t m eetin g— still h ad m y c o at o n — an d a n xio u s n ot t o
k eep a r o om f u ll o f p eo p le w ait in g, a n d s o I a sk ed , ‘M illy , w hat c a n I d o f o r
yo u ?’ M illy r e a ch ed o ver, to ok b oth m y s h ou ld er s in h er h an ds, lo oked m e
str a ig h t i n t h e e y es, a n d s a id v ery rm ly , ‘M rs . A nder so n , I d on’t w an t y o u t o
d o a n yth in g; I j u st w an t y o u t o l i s te n .’
“ D on’t j u st d o s o m eth in g… .”
“ is w as o n e o f t h e m ost s ig n i ca n t m om en ts o f le arn in g in m y li f e—
t a u gh t to m e b y a c h ild — so I th ou gh t, ‘N ev er m in d th e ro om fu l o f a d u lt s
w ait in g fo r m e!’ M illy a n d I m oved o ver to a b en ch th at a ff ord ed u s m ore priv acy a n d s a t, m y a rm a ro u n d h er s h ou ld er s, h er h ea d o n m y c h es t, a n d
her a rm a ro u n d m y w ais t, w hile sh e ta lk ed u ntil sh e was d on e. A nd y o u
k n ow , i t d id n’t t a k e t h at l o n g.”
O ne o f t h e m ost s a tis fy in g a sp ec ts o f m y w ork i s t o h ear h ow i n div id u als
h av e u se d N VC to str e n gth en th ei r ab ili t y to co n nect em path ic a lly w it h
o th ers . M y fr ie n d L au re n ce, w ho li v es in S w it z e rla n d, d esc rib ed h ow u p set
sh e fe lt w hen h er s ix -y ear- o ld s o n h ad s to rm ed a w ay a n grily w hile sh e was
still ta lk in g to him . Is a b elle , her ten -y ear- o ld dau gh ter , who had
acco m pan ie d h er to a re ce n t N VC w ork sh op, rem ark ed , “S o y o u ’r e re a lly
a n gry, M om . Y ou ’d li k e fo r h im to ta lk w hen h e’s a n gry a n d n ot r u n o ff .”
L au re n ce m arv ele d at how , up on hearin g Is a b elle ’s w ord s, sh e fe lt an
im med ia te d im in is h in g o f te n sio n , a n d w as su bse q u en tly a b le to b e m ore
u n dersta n din g w it h h er s o n w hen h e ret urn ed .
A c o lle g e in str u cto r d esc rib ed h ow r e la tio n sh ip s b et ween s tu den ts a n d
fa cu lt y h ad b een a ff ec te d w hen s e v er al m em ber s o f th e fa cu lt y le arn ed to
li s te n e m path ic a lly a n d t o e x p re ss t h em se lv es m ore vu ln er ab ly a n d h on es tly .
“ e stu den ts o p en ed u p m ore a n d m ore an d to ld u s a b ou t th e vario u s
p ers o n al p ro ble m s th at w ere in ter fer in g w it h th ei r stu dies . e m ore th ey
ta lk ed a b ou t it , t h e m ore w ork t h ey w ere ab le to c o m plet e. E ven t h ou gh t h is
k in d o f li s te n in g t o ok a lo t o f o u r t im e, w e were gla d t o s p en d it i n t h is w ay.
U nfo rtu n ate ly , th e d ean go t u p set ; h e sa id w e wer e not co u n se lo rs an d
sh ou ld s p en d m ore t im e t e a ch in g a n d l es s t im e ta lk in g w it h t h e stu den ts .”
W hen I a sk ed h ow t h e f a cu lt y h ad d ea lt w it h t h is , t h e in str u cto r r ep li e d ,
“W e e m path iz e d w it h t h e d ean ’s c o n cer n. W e heard t h at h e fe lt w orrie d a n d
w an te d to k n ow th at w e w ere n ’t get tin g in vo lv ed in th in gs w e co u ld n’t
h an dle . W e a ls o h eard th at h e n eed ed re a ssu ra n ce th at th e tim e sp en t o n
ta lk in g w asn ’t c u tt in g in to o u r te a ch in g r e sp on sib ili t ie s. H e s e em ed r e li e v ed
b y th e w ay w e li s te n ed to h im . W e co n tin u ed to ta lk w it h th e stu den ts
b ecau se w e c o u ld s e e t h at t h e m ore we li s te n ed t o t h em , t h e bet ter t h ey d id
i n t h eir s tu die s.”
W hen w e w ork in a h ie ra rc h ic a lly str u ctu re d in stit u tio n , th er e is a
te n den cy to h ear c o m man ds a n d ju dgm en ts fr o m th ose hig h er u p in th e
h ie ra rc h y. W hile w e m ay e a sily em path iz e w it h o u r p eer s a n d w it h t h ose in
le ss p ow erfu l p osit io n s, w e m ay n d o u rs e lv es b ei ng d efen siv e or a p olo get ic ,
in ste a d o f e m path ic , in t h e p re se n ce o f t h ose we id en tif y a s o u r “ s u p er io rs .” is is w hy I w as p artic u la rly p le a se d th at th es e fa cu lt y m em ber s h ad
re m em bere d t o e m path iz e w it h t h ei r d ean a s w ell a s w it h t h ei r s tu den ts .
I t’s hard er to em path iz e w it h th os e w ho ap p ea r to
p oss e ss m ore p ow er, s ta tu s, o r r e so u rc e s. Em path y a n d t h e A bili t y t o B e V uln era b le
B ecau se w e are ca lle d to re v ea l o u r d eep es t fe eli n gs an d n ee d s, w e may
so m etim es n d it c h alle n gin g to e x p res s o u rs e lv es in N VC. S elf - ex pres sio n
b eco m es e a sie r, h ow ev er, a er w e em path iz e w it h o th er s, b ecau se we will
t h en h av e to u ch ed th eir h u m an nes s a n d r e a li z e d th e co m mon q u ali t ies w e
sh are . e m ore w e c o n nec t w it h t h e fe eli n gs a n d n eed s b eh in d t h ei r w ord s,
th e le ss f r ig h te n in g i t i s t o o p en u p t o o th er p eo p le . e sit u atio n s w her e we
are t h e m ost r e lu cta n t t o e x p re ss v u ln er ab ili t y a re o en t h ose w her e w e w an t
to m ain ta in a “ to u gh i m ag e” f o r f e ar o f l o sin g a u th orit y o r c o n tr o l.
e m ore w e e m path iz e w it h th e o th er p arty , th e s a fe r
w e f e el.
O nce I sh ow ed m y v u ln era b ili t y to s o m e m em ber s o f a str e et g an g in
C le v ela n d b y a ck n ow le d gin g th e h u rt I w as fe eli n g an d m y d es ir e to b e
tr e ate d w it h m ore r e sp ec t. “ O h, lo ok,” o n e of th em r em ark ed , “ h e’s fe eli n g
hu rt; is n ’t th at to o b ad !” a t w hic h p oin t a ll h is fr ien ds c h im ed in la u gh in g.
H ere a g ain , I c o u ld in te rp re t th em a s ta k in g a d van ta g e o f m y v u ln er ab ili t y
( O ptio n 2 : B la m e o th ers ), o r I c o u ld e m path iz e w it h t h e fe eli n gs a n d n eed s
beh in d t h eir b eh av io r ( O ptio n 4 : S en se oth er s’ f e eli n gs a n d n eed s).
If, how ev er, I hav e an im ag e th at I’m bei ng hu m ili a te d an d ta k en
ad van ta g e of, I m ay fe el to o w ou n ded , an gry, or sc a re d to be ab le to
e m path iz e. A t s u ch a m om en t, I w ou ld n eed t o w it h dra w p hysic a lly i n o rd er
to o ff er m yse lf s o m e e m path y o r to r e q u es t it fr o m a r e li a b le so u rc e. A er
dis c o verin g th e n eed s th at h ad b een so p ow er fu lly tr ig gere d in m e an d
re ce iv in g a d eq u ate e m path y fo r t h em , I w ou ld t h en b e re a d y to r et urn a n d
em path iz e w it h th e o th er p arty . In sit u atio n s o f p ain , I re co m men d rst
g ett in g th e e m path y n ece ss a ry to g o b ey o n d th e th ou gh ts o cc u pyin g o u r
hea d s a n d r e co gn iz e o u r d eep er n eed s.
A s I li s te n ed c lo se ly t o t h e g an g m em ber ’s r em ark , “ O h lo ok, h e’s f e eli n g
hu rt; i s n ’t t h at t o o b ad ?” a n d t h e la u gh ter t h at f o llo w ed , I s en se d t h at h e an d
his f r ie n ds w ere a n noyed a n d n ot w an tin g t o b e su bje cte d t o g u ilt t r ip s a n d
m an ip u la tio n . ey m ay h av e b een re a ctin g to p eo p le in th ei r p asts w ho use d p h ra se s li k e th at h u rts m e to im ply d is a p pro val. S in ce I d id n’t v er if y it
w it h th em o u t lo u d, I h av e n o w ay o f k n ow in g if m y g u es s w as in fa ct
a cc u ra te . Ju st fo cu sin g m y a tt e n tio n th er e, h ow ev er , k ep t m e fr o m ei th er
ta k in g it p ers o n ally o r g ett in g a n gry. I n ste a d o f ju dgin g t h em fo r r id ic u li n g
m e o r tr e atin g m e d is re sp ec tfu lly , I c o n cen tr a te d o n h earin g th e pain a n d
th e n eed s b eh in d s u ch b eh av io r.
“ H ey,” o n e o f t h em b u rst o u t, “ th is is a b u n ch o f c ra p y o u ’r e off er in g u s!
S u pp ose th ere a re m em bers o f a n oth er g an g h er e an d th ey h av e gu n s a n d
yo u d on’t . A nd y o u s a y j u st s ta n d t h er e an d ta lk t o t h em ? C ra p !”
en e v ery b o d y w as l a u gh in g a g ain , a n d a g ain I d ir e cte d m y a tt en tio n t o
t h eir f e eli n gs a n d n eed s: “ S o it s o u n ds li k e y o u ’r e re a lly f e d u p w it h le arn in g
so m eth in g t h at h as n o r e le v an ce i n t h ose sit u atio n s? ”
“Y ea h , a n d if y o u li v ed in t h is n ei gh borh ood , y o u ’d kn ow t h is is a b u n ch
o f c ra p .”
“ S o y o u n eed to tr u st th at s o m eo n e te a ch in g y o u s o m eth in g h as s o m e
kn ow le d ge o f y o u r n eig h borh ood ?”
“D am n r ig h t. S o m e o f t h ese d u des w ou ld b la st y o u a w ay b ef ore yo u g o t
tw o w ord s o u t o f y o u r m ou th !”
“A nd y o u n eed to tr u st th at so m eo n e tr y in g to te a ch y o u so m ethin g
un dersta n ds t h e d an gers a ro u n d h er e? ” I c o n tin u ed t o li s te n i n t h is m an ner ,
so m etim es v erb ali z in g w hat I h eard a n d s o m etim es n ot. is c o n tin u ed fo r
fo rty - ve m in ute s, an d th en I sen se d a sh i : th ey fe lt th at I w as tr u ly
u n dersta n din g th em . A co u n se lo r in th e pro gra m n otic e d th e sh i , an d
ask ed t h em o u t l o u d, “ W hat d o y o u t h in k o f t h is m an ?” e gen tlem an w ho
h ad b een g iv in g m e th e r o u gh est tim e rep li e d , “ H e’s th e bes t s p ea k er w e’v e
ev er h ad .”
A sto n is h ed , t h e c o u n se lo r t u rn ed t o m e an d w his p er ed , “ B ut y o u h av en ’t
s a id a n yth in g!” In fa ct, I h ad sa id a lo t b y d em on str a tin g th at th er e was
n oth in g th ey c o u ld th ro w a t m e th at c o u ld n’t b e tr a n sla te d in to u n iv er sa l
h u m an f e eli n gs a n d n eed s.
W e “ s a y a l o t” b y l i s te n in g f o r o th er p eo p le ’s f e eli n gs a n d
need s. I
Usin g E m path y t o D efu se D an ger
e ab ili t y to o ff er em path y to p eo p le in str es sfu l sit u atio n s ca n d ef use
p ote n tia l v io le n ce.
A t e a ch er i n t h e i n ner c it y o f S t. L ou is r e la te d a n i n cid en t w her e sh e had
co n sc ie n tio u sly s ta y ed a er s c h ool to h elp a s tu den t, e v en th ou gh te a ch er s
were w arn ed , fo r th eir o w n s a fet y, to le av e th e bu ild in g a er c la ss es w er e
dis m is s e d . A s tr a n ger e n te re d h er c la ss ro om , w her e th e fo llo w in g ex ch an ge
to ok p la ce :
Y ou n g m an : Tak e o ff y o u r c lo th es.
T ea ch er: (n otic in g t h at t h e yo u ng m an w as s h akin g) I ’m
s e n sin g t h is i s v ery s c a ry f o r y o u .
You n g m an : D id y o u h ear m e? G od d am n i t , t a k e off y o u r
clo th es!
T ea ch er: I’m s e n sin g y o u ’r e r e a lly p is s e d o ff r ig h t n ow a n d
yo u w an t m e t o d o w hat y o u ’r e t e lli n g m e.
Y ou n g m an : You ’r e d am ned r ig h t, a n d y o u ’r e g o in g t o g et h u rt i f
y o u d on’t .
T ea ch er: I’d l i k e y o u t o t e ll m e i f t h ere ’s s o m e o th er w ay o f
m eetin g y o u r n eed s t h at w ou ld n’t h u rt m e.
Y ou n g m an : I s a id t a k e t h em o ff .
Tea ch er: I c a n h ear h ow m uch y o u w an t t h is . A t t h e sa m e
tim e, I w an t y o u t o k n ow h ow s c a re d a n d h orrib le I
fe el, a n d h ow g ra te fu l I ’d b e i f y o u ’d l e av e w it h ou t
hu rtin g m e.
Y ou n g m an : G iv e m e y o u r p u rs e .
e t e a ch er h an ded t h e s tr a n ger h er p u rs e , r e li e v ed n ot t o b e ra p ed . S h e
la te r d esc rib ed h ow , e a ch tim e sh e em path iz e d w it h th e yo u n g m an , sh e
co u ld s e n se h im b eco m in g le ss a d am an t in h is in ten tio n to fo llo w th ro u gh
w it h t h e r a p e.
A m etr o p oli t a n p oli c e o ffi ce r att en din g a fo llo w -u p tr a in in g in N VC
on ce g re ete d m e w it h t h is a cco u nt: I
’m s u re g la d y o u h ad u s p ra ctic in g e m path y w it h a n gry p eo p le th at
la st t im e. J u st a f e w d ay s a er o u r s es sio n , I w en t t o a rres t s o m eo n e
in a p u bli c h ou sin g p ro je c t. W hen I b ro u gh t h im o u t, m y ca r w as
su rro u n ded b y a b ou t s ix ty p eo p le sc re am in g t h in gs a t m e l i k e, ‘L et h im
g o ! H e d id n’t d o an yth in g! Y ou p oli c e are a b u n ch o f ra cis t p ig s!’
A lt h ou gh I w as s k ep tic a l t h at e m path y w ou ld h elp , I d id n’t h av e m an y
oth er o p tio n s. S o I r e ec te d b ack t h e fe eli n gs t h at w er e co m in g a t m e; I
s a id t h in gs li k e, ‘S o y o u d on’t t r u st m y r e a so n s fo r a rres tin g t h is m an ?
You th in k it has to do w it h ra ce? ’ A er se v er al m in utes of m y
co n tin u in g t o r e ec t t h eir f e eli n gs, t h e gro u p b eca m e les s h ostile . I n t h e
en d t h ey o p en ed a p ath s o I c o u ld g et t o m y c a r.
F in ally , I ’d li k e t o i llu str a te h ow a y o u n g w om an u se d e m path y t o b yp ass
v io le n ce d u rin g h er n ig h t sh i a t a d ru g d et oxi catio n c en ter in T oro n to .
e y o u n g w om an r e co u nte d th is s to ry d u rin g th e se co n d N VC w ork sh op
sh e a tt e n ded . A t e le v en o ’c lo ck o n e n ig h t, a fe w w eek s a er h er rst N VC
tr a in in g, a m an w ho’d o bvio u sly b een ta k in g d ru gs w alk ed in o ff th e str e et
a n d d em an ded a r o om . e y o u n g w om an s ta rte d t o ex pla in t o h im th at a ll
t h e r o om s h ad b een lle d f o r t h e n ig h t. S h e was a b ou t t o h an d t h e m an t h e
ad dre ss o f a n oth er d eto x c e n te r w hen h e hu rle d h er to th e gro u n d. “ e
nex t th in g I k n ew , h e w as sit t in g a cro ss m y c h es t h old in g a k n if e to m y
th ro at a n d s h ou tin g, ‘Y ou b it c h , d on’t l i e to m e! Y ou d o t o o h av e a r o om !’”
S h e t h en p ro ce ed ed t o a p p ly h er t r a in in g b y l i s ten in g f o r h is f e eli n gs a n d
need s.
“ Y ou re m em bere d to do th at un der th ose co n dit io n s? ” I ask ed ,
im pre ss e d .
“W hat ch oic e did I hav e? Desp er atio n so m etim es m ak es go od
co m mun ic ato rs o f u s a ll! Y ou k n ow , M arsh all,” s h e ad ded , “ th at j o ke yo u t o ld
i n t h e w ork sh op r e a lly h elp ed m e. I n f a ct, I t h in k i t s a v ed m y l i f e .”
“ W hat j o ke?”
“R em em ber w hen y o u s a id n ev er t o p u t y o u r ‘b u t’ i n t h e fa ce of a n a n gry
p ers o n ? I w as a ll r e a d y to s ta rt a rg u in g w it h h im ; I w as a b ou t to s a y, ‘B ut I
d on’t h av e a r o om !’ w hen I r e m em ber ed y o u r jo ke. I t h ad r e a lly s ta y ed w it h
m e b ecau se o n ly th e w eek b efo re , I w as a rg u in g w it h m y m oth er a n d s h e’d
s a id to m e, ‘I c o u ld k ill y o u w hen y o u a n sw er “ b u t” to e v er yth in g I sa y !’
I m ag in e, i f m y o w n m oth er w as a n gry en ou gh t o k ill m e fo r u sin g t h at w ord , what w ou ld t h is m an h av e d on e? I f I ’d s a id , ‘B ut I d on’t h av e a r o om !’ w hen
h e w as s c re am in g a t m e, I h av e n o d ou bt h e w ou ld h av e sli t m y t h ro at.
R ath er th an p u t yo u r “b u t” in th e fa ce o f an an gry
p erso n , e m path iz e.
“S o in ste a d , I to ok a d eep b re ath a n d s a id , ‘I t s o u n ds li k e yo u ’r e re a lly
a n gry a n d y o u w an t t o b e g iv en a r o om .’ H e yelle d b ack , ‘I m ay b e an a d dic t,
b u t b y G od , I d ese rv e r e sp ec t. I’m tir e d o f n ob o d y g iv in g m e r es pect. M y
pare n ts d on’t g iv e m e r e sp ec t. I ’m g o n na g et r es pect!’ I ju st fo cu se d o n h is
f e eli n gs a n d n eed s a n d s a id , ‘A re yo u f e d u p, n ot g et tin g t h e res pect t h at y o u
w an t? ’”
“ H ow l o n g d id t h is g o o n ?” I a sk ed .
“O h, a b ou t a n oth er t h ir ty - ve m in utes ,” s h e rep li e d .
“ at m ust h av e b een t e rrif y in g.”
“ N o, n ot a er th e rst c o u ple o f in ter ch an ges, b ecau se th en s o m ethin g
els e w e’d le arn ed h ere b eca m e a p p aren t. W hen I c o n cen tr a te d o n li s ten in g
fo r h is fe eli n gs a n d n eed s, I s to p p ed s e ei ng h im a s a m on ster . I c o u ld s e e,
ju st a s y o u ’d s a id , h ow p eo p le w ho s e em li k e m on ster s a re sim ply h u m an
b ein gs w hose la n gu ag e a n d b eh av io r s o m etim es k eep u s fr o m s e ei ng th ei r
hu m an ness . e m ore I w as a b le to fo cu s m y a tt en tio n o n h is fe eli n gs a n d
need s, th e m ore I s a w h im a s a p er so n fu ll o f d esp air w hose need s w er en ’t
b ein g m et. I b eca m e c o n den t t h at i f I h eld m y a tt en tio n t h er e, I w ou ld n’t b e
hu rt. A er h e’d r e ce iv ed t h e e m path y h e need ed , h e go t o ff m e, p u t t h e kn if e
a w ay, a n d I h elp ed h im n d a r o om a t a n oth er c e n ter .”
W hen w e l i s te n f o r f e eli n gs a n d n eed s, w e n o l o n ger s e e
p eo p le a s m on ste rs.
D eli g h te d t h at s h e’d le arn ed t o r es pon d e m path ic a lly i n s u ch a n ex tr em e
sit u atio n , I a sk ed c u rio u sly , “ W hat a re yo u d oin g b ack h er e? It s o u n ds li k e
yo u ’v e m aste re d N VC an d sh ou ld be ou t te a ch in g oth er s w hat yo u ’v e
le arn ed .”
“ N ow I n eed y o u t o h elp m e w it h a h ard o n e,” s h e sa id . “I’m a lm ost a fr a id t o a sk . W hat c o u ld b e hard er t h an t h at? ”
“N ow I n eed y o u t o h elp m e w it h m y m oth er . D es pit e all t h e in sig h t I g o t
in to t h at ‘b u t’ p h en om en on , y o u k n ow w hat h ap p en ed ? A t s u pp er t h e nex t
ev en in g w hen I t o ld m y m oth er w hat h ad h ap p en ed , s h e sa id , ‘Y ou ’r e go in g
to c au se y o u r f a th er a n d m e t o h av e a h eart a tt a ck if y o u k eep t h at jo b. Y ou
sim ply h av e t o n d d iff ere n t w ork !’ S o g u es s w hat I s a id t o h er ? ‘B ut, m oth er,
it ’s m y l i f e !’”
I t m ay b e d iffi cu lt to em path iz e w it h th os e w ho are
c lo se st t o u s.
I c o u ld n’t h av e a sk ed fo r a m ore c o m pelli n g ex am ple of h ow d iffi cu lt it
c a n b e t o r e sp on d e m path ic a lly t o o n e’s o w n f a m ily m em ber s! Em path y i n H ea rin g S om eo n e’s “ N o!”
B ecau se o f o u r te n den cy to r e a d r ej ectio n in to s o m eo n e els e’s “ n o” a n d “ I
d on’t w an t to … ,” th ese are im porta n t m ess a g es fo r u s to b e ab le to
e m path iz e w it h . If w e ta k e th em p er so n ally , w e may fe el h u rt w it h ou t
u n dersta n din g w hat’s a ctu ally g o in g o n w it h in th e oth er p er so n . W hen w e
sh in e t h e li g h t o f c o n sc io u sn ess o n t h e fe eli n gs a n d n eed s b eh in d s o m eo n e
els e’s “n o,” h ow ev er, w e b eco m e c o gn iz a n t o f w hat th ey a re wan tin g th at
p re v en ts t h em f r o m r e sp on din g a s w e w ou ld l i k e.
E m path iz in g w it h so m eo n e’s “n o” pro te cts us fr o m
ta k in g i t p erso n ally .
O ne tim e I a sk ed a w om an d u rin g a w ork sh op b re a k to jo in m e an d
oth er p artic ip an ts fo r s o m e ic e c re am n earb y. “ N o!” s h e rep li e d b ru sq u ely .
e to n e o f h er v o ic e le d m e to in ter pret h er a n sw er a s a r ej ectio n , u ntil I
r e m in ded m yse lf to tu n e in to th e fe eli n gs an d need s sh e mig h t be
ex p re ss in g t h ro u gh h er “ n o.” “ I s en se th at y o u a re an gry,” I s a id . “ Is t h at s o ?”
“N o,” s h e r e p li e d , “ it ’s ju st t h at I d on’t w an t t o b e co rre cte d e v er y t im e I
op en m y m ou th .”
N ow I s e n se d th at s h e w as fe arfu l r a th er th an a n gry. I c h eck ed th is o u t
by a sk in g, “ S o y o u ’r e f e eli n g f e arfu l a n d w an t t o p ro te ct y o u rs e lf f r o m b ei ng
in a s it u atio n w here y o u m ig h t b e j u dged f o r h ow y o u c o m mun ic ate? ”
“Y es,” s h e a ffi rm ed , “ I c a n i m ag in e sit t in g i n t h e ic e c re am s h op w it h y o u
an d h av in g y o u n otic e e v ery th in g I s a y.”
I th en d is c o vere d th at th e w ay I’d been pro vid in g fe ed back in th e
w ork sh op h ad b een fr ig h te n in g to h er . M y e m path y fo r h er m essa g e had
ta k en t h e s tin g o u t o f h er “ n o” fo r m e: I h eard h er d esir e to a v o id r e cei vin g
sim ila r fe ed back in pu bli c . A ssu rin g her th at I w ou ld n’t ev alu ate her
co m mun ic atio n in pu bli c , I th en co n fer re d w it h her on w ay s to giv e
fe ed back t h at w ou ld le av e h er f e eli n g s a fe . A nd y es, s h e jo in ed t h e gro u p f o r
ic e c re am . Em path y t o R ev iv e a L if e le ss C on versa tio n
W e h av e a ll fo u n d o u rs e lv es in t h e m id st o f a li f e les s c o n ver sa tio n . P er hap s
w e’r e a t a s o cia l e v en t, h earin g w ord s w it h ou t fe eli n g a n y c o n nectio n t o t h e
sp ea k er. O r w e’r e li s te n in g t o s o m eo n e m y f r ien d K elly B ry so n w ou ld c a ll a
“ B ab ble -o n -ia n ”— so m eo n e who eli c it s in th eir li s te n ers th e fe ar of
in te rm in ab le c o n vers a tio n . V it a li t y d ra in s o u t o f c o n ver sa tio n s w hen w e lo se
c o n nec tio n w it h t h e fe eli n gs a n d n eed s g en eratin g t h e sp ea k er ’s w ord s, a n d
w it h t h e r e q u ests a ss o cia te d w it h t h ose need s. is eff ect is c o m mon w hen
p eo p le ta lk w it h ou t co n sc io u sn es s o f w hat th ey are fe eli n g, n eed in g, o r
re q u estin g. I n ste a d o f b ein g e n gag ed i n a n ex ch an ge o f l i f e en ergy w it h o th er
hu m an b ein gs, w e s e e o u rs e lv es b eco m in g w aste b ask et s f o r t h ei r w ord s.
H ow a n d w hen d o w e in te rr u pt a d ea d c o n ver sa tio n to b rin g it b ack to
li f e ? I’d su ggest th e b est tim e to in ter ru pt is w hen w e’v e heard o n e word
m ore th an w e w an t to h ear. e lo n ger w e wait , th e hard er it is to b e civ il
w hen w e d o s te p in . O ur in te n tio n in in ter ru ptin g is n ot to c la im t h e oor
fo r o u rs e lv es, b u t to h elp t h e s p ea k er c o n nect to t h e li f e en er gy b eh in d t h e
w ord s b ein g s p oken .
W e d o t h is b y t u n in g i n t o p oss ib le fe eli n gs a n d n eed s. us, i f a n a u nt i s
r e p eatin g th e s to ry a b ou t h ow tw en ty y ears a g o h er h u sb an d d es er te d h er
an d h er tw o sm all c h ild re n , w e m ig h t in ter ru pt b y sa y in g, “S o, A untie , it
s o u n ds l i k e y o u a re s till f e eli n g h u rt, w is h in g y o u ’d b een t r e ate d m ore fa ir ly .”
P eo p le a re n ot a w are th at e m path y is o en w hat th ey a re need in g. N eith er
do th ey re a li z e th at th ey are m ore li k ely to re ce iv e th at em path y by
ex p re ss in g t h e fe eli n gs a n d n eed s t h at a re ali v e in t h em t h an b y r e co u ntin g
ta le s o f p ast i n ju stic e a n d h ard sh ip .
T o brin g a co n versa tio n b ack to li f e : in te rr u pt w it h
e m path y.
A noth er w ay to b rin g a c o n vers a tio n to li f e is to o p en ly ex pres s o u r
desir e t o b e m ore c o n nec te d , a n d t o r e q u es t in fo rm atio n t h at w ou ld h elp u s
esta b li s h t h at c o n nec tio n . O nce, a t a c o ck ta il p arty , I w as in t h e m id st o f a n
a b u n dan t ow o f w ord s t h at t o m e se em ed li f e les s. “ E xcu se m e,” I b ro ke in , ad dre ss in g t h e g ro u p o f n in e o th er p eo p le I’d f o u n d m yse lf w it h , “ I’m f e eli n g
im patie n t becau se I’d li k e to be more co n necte d w it h yo u , bu t ou r
co n vers a tio n is n ’t c re atin g th e k in d o f c o n nectio n I’m w an tin g. I’d li k e to
k n ow i f t h e c o n vers a tio n w e’v e b een h av in g i s m eetin g y o u r n eed s, a n d i f s o ,
w hat n eed s o f y o u rs a re b ein g m et t h ro u gh i t .”
A ll n in e p eo p le s ta re d a t m e a s if I h ad t h ro w n a r a t in t h e pu n ch b ow l.
F ortu n ate ly , I re m em bere d to tu n e in to th e fe eli n gs an d n eed s bei ng
ex p re ss e d th ro u gh th eir sile n ce. “A re yo u an noyed w it h m y in ter ru ptin g
becau se y o u w ou ld h av e l i k ed t o c o n tin u e th e co n ver sa tio n ?” I a sk ed .
A er a n oth er s ile n ce, o n e o f th e m en r ep li e d , “ N o, I’m n ot a n noyed . I
w as th in kin g a b ou t w hat y o u w er e ask in g. A nd n o, I w asn ’t en jo yin g th e
co n vers a tio n ; i n f a ct, I w as t o ta lly b ore d w it h i t .”
W hat b ore s t h e l i s te n er b ore s t h e s p ea k er t o o.
A t th e tim e, I w as s u rp ris e d to h ear h is r es pon se becau se he had b een
th e o n e d oin g m ost o f th e ta lk in g! N ow I a m n o lo n ger su rp ris e d : I h av e
sin ce d is c o vere d th at co n vers a tio n s th at are li f e les s fo r th e li s ten er are
e q u ally s o f o r t h e s p ea k er.
Y ou m ay w on der h ow w e ca n m uster th e co u ra g e to atly in ter ru pt
so m eo n e in t h e m id d le o f a s e n ten ce. I o n ce co n du cte d a n in fo rm al s u rv ey,
p osin g t h e f o llo w in g q u estio n : “ If y o u a re usin g m ore word s t h an s o m eb o d y
w an ts t o h ear, d o y o u w an t t h at p er so n t o p ret en d t o li s te n o r t o s to p y o u ?”
O f t h e s c o re s o f p eo p le I a p pro ach ed , a ll b u t o n e ex p res se d a p ref er en ce to
b e s to p p ed . eir a n sw ers g av e m e co u ra g e b y c o n vin cin g m e th at i t i s m ore
c o n sid era te t o in te rr u pt p eo p le t h an t o p ret en d t o li s ten . A ll o f u s w an t o u r
w ord s t o e n ric h o th ers , n ot t o b u rd en t h em .
Sp ea k ers pre fe r th at li s te n ers in te rr u pt ra th er th an
p re te n d t o l i s te n . Em path y f o r S ile n ce
O ne o f th e h ard est m ess a g es fo r m an y o f u s to e m path iz e w it h is s ilen ce.
is is e sp ecia lly tr u e w hen w e’v e ex pres se d o u rs e lv es v u ln er ab ly a n d n eed
to k n ow h ow o th ers a re re a ctin g to o u r w ord s. A t su ch tim es, it ’s e a sy to
p ro je c t o u r w orst f e ars o n to t h e la ck o f r es pon se an d f o rg et t o c o n nect w it h
t h e f e eli n gs a n d n eed s b ein g e x p res se d t h ro u gh t h e silen ce.
O ne t im e w hen I w as w ork in g w it h t h e sta ff o f a b u sin es s o rg an iz a tio n , I
w as ta lk in g a b ou t so m eth in g d eep ly em otio n al a n d b eg an to c ry. W hen I
lo oked u p, I re ce iv ed a re sp on se fr o m th e org an iz atio n’s d ir e cto r th at w as
n ot e a sy fo r m e t o r e ce iv e: s ile n ce. H e tu rn ed h is f a ce fr o m m e w it h w hat I
in te rp re te d t o b e a n e x p re ss io n o f d is g u st. F ortu n ate ly , I r em ember ed t o p u t
m y a tt e n tio n o n w hat m ig h t b e g o in g o n w it h in h im , a n d s a id , “ I’m s en sin g
fr o m y o u r re sp on se to m y c ry in g th at y o u ’r e fe eli n g d is g u ste d , a n d y o u ’d
p re fe r t o h av e s o m eo n e m ore in c o n tr o l o f h is f e eli n gs c o n su lt in g w it h y o u r
sta ff .”
E m path iz e w it h s ile n ce b y li s te n in g f o r t h e f e eli n gs a n d
n eed s b eh in d i t .
If h e h ad a n sw ere d y es, I w ou ld h av e been a b le to a cce p t th at w e had
d iff ere n t v alu es aro u n d ex p re ss in g em otio n s, w it h ou t so m eh ow th in kin g
th at I w as w ro n g fo r h av in g e x p res se d m y em otio n s a s I d id . B ut in ste a d o f
“y es,” t h e d ir e c to r r e p li e d , “ N o, n ot a t a ll. I w as ju st t h in kin g o f h ow m y w if e
w is h es I c o u ld c ry.” H e w en t o n to r e v ea l th at h is w if e , w ho w as d iv o rc in g
him , h ad b een c o m pla in in g t h at l i v in g w it h h im w as l i k e l i v in g w it h a r o ck .
D urin g m y p ra ctic e a s a p sy ch oth er ap is t, I w as c o n ta cte d b y t h e paren ts
o f a tw en ty -y ear- o ld wom an un der psy ch ia tr ic ca re . Sh e had been
u n derg o in g m ed ic atio n , h osp it a li z atio n , a n d sh ock tr e atm en ts fo r se v er al
m on th s, a n d h ad b eco m e m ute th re e m on th s b ef ore her p aren ts c o n ta cte d
m e. W hen t h ey b ro u gh t h er t o m y o ffi ce, s h e had t o b e ass is te d b ecau se , le
t o h ers e lf , s h e d id n’t m ove.
In m y o ffi ce, s h e c ro u ch ed in h er c h air , s h ak in g, h er e y es o n th e oor.
T ry in g t o c o n nec t e m path ic a lly w it h t h e fe eli n gs a n d n eed s b ei ng ex pres se d I
th ro u gh h er n on verb al m ess a g e, I s a id , “ I’m s en sin g t h at y o u a re fr ig h ten ed
a n d w ou ld l i k e t o b e s u re t h at i t ’s s a fe to t a lk . I s t h at a cc u ra te ?”
S h e s h ow ed n o r e a ctio n , s o I e x p res se d m y o w n fe eli n g b y s a y in g, “ I’m
v ery c o n ce rn ed a b ou t y o u , a n d I ’d li k e yo u to te ll m e if t h er e’s s o m ethin g I
c o u ld s a y o r d o t o m ak e y o u f e el s a fer .” S till n o r es pon se . F or t h e nex t f o rty
m in ute s, I c o n tin u ed to e it h er re ec t h er fe eli n gs a n d n eed s o r ex pres s m y
ow n. ere w as n o v is ib le r e sp on se , n or e v en t h e sli g h tes t r e co gn it io n t h at I
w as t r y in g t o c o m mun ic ate w it h h er . F in ally I ex pres se d t h at I w as t ir e d , a n d
th at I w an te d h er t o r e tu rn t h e f o llo w in g d ay.
e n ex t fe w d ay s w ere li k e t h e rst. I c o n tin u ed fo cu sin g m y a tt en tio n
o n h er fe eli n gs a n d n eed s, s o m etim es v er bally r e ectin g w hat I u n der sto od
an d s o m etim es d oin g s o s ile n tly . F ro m tim e to tim e I w ou ld ex pres s w hat
w as g o in g o n i n m yse lf . S h e s a t s h ak in g i n h er c h air , s a y in g n oth in g.
O n t h e f o u rth d ay, w hen s h e s till d id n’t r es pon d, I r e a ch ed o ver a n d h eld
h er han d. N ot kn ow in g w heth er m y w ord s w ere co m mun ic atin g m y
co n ce rn , I h op ed t h e p hysic a l c o n ta ct m ig h t d o s o m ore eff ectiv ely . A t rst
c o n ta ct, h er m usc le s t e n se d a n d s h e sh ra n k f u rth er b ack i n to h er c h air . I w as
ab ou t t o r e le a se h er h an d w hen I s en se d a s li g h t y ie ld in g, s o I k ep t m y h old ;
a er a f e w m om en ts I n otic e d a p ro gres siv e re la x atio n o n h er p art. I h eld h er
h an d f o r s e v era l m in ute s w hile I t a lk ed t o h er a s I h ad t h e rst f e w d ay s. S till
s h e s a id n oth in g.
W hen sh e arriv ed th e n ex t d ay, sh e ap p eare d ev en m ore ten se th an
b efo re , b u t t h ere w as o n e d iff ere n ce: s h e ex ten ded a c len ch ed st t o w ard m e
while t u rn in g h er f a ce a w ay f r o m m e. I w as a t rst c o n fu se d b y t h e ges tu re ,
b u t th en se n se d sh e h ad so m eth in g in h er h an d sh e wan te d m e to h av e.
T ak in g h er st in m y h an d, I p rie d o p en h er n gers . In h er p alm w as a
c ru m ple d n ote w it h th e fo llo w in g m ess a g e: “P le a se help m e sa y w hat’s
i n sid e.”
I w as ela te d to re ce iv e th is sig n o f h er d es ir e to c o m mun ic ate . A er
an oth er h ou r o f e n co u ra g em en t, s h e n ally e x p res se d a rst s en ten ce, s lo w ly
a n d fe arfu lly . W hen I re ec te d b ack w hat I h ad h eard h er sa y in g, sh e
ap p eare d r e li e v ed a n d th en c o n tin u ed , s lo w ly a n d fe arfu lly , to ta lk . A y ear
la te r, s h e s e n t m e a c o p y o f t h e f o llo w in g en tr ies f r o m h er j o u rn al:
c a m e o u t o f th e h osp it a l, a w ay fr o m sh ock tr e atm en ts a n d str o n g
m ed ic in e. at w as a b ou t A pril. e th re e m on th s b ef ore th at a re co m ple te ly b la n k in m y m in d, a s w ell a s th e th re e an d a h alf y ears
b efo re A pril.
ey s a y t h at, a er g ett in g o u t o f t h e hosp it a l, I w en t t h ro u gh a t im e
at h om e o f n ot e atin g, n ot ta lk in g, a n d w an tin g to s ta y in b ed a ll th e
tim e. en I w as re fe rre d to D r. R osen ber g fo r co u n se li n g. I d on’t
r e m em ber m uch o f t h ose n ex t t w o o r t h re e m on th s o th er t h an b ei ng i n
D r. R ose n berg ’s o ffi ce a n d t a lk in g w it h h im .
I’d b eg u n ‘w ak in g u p’ sin ce th at rst ses sio n w it h h im . I’d b eg un
sh arin g w it h h im th in gs th at b oth er ed m e— th in gs th at I w ou ld n ev er
h av e d re am ed o f t e lli n g a n yo n e a b ou t. A nd I r em ember h ow m uch t h at
m ean t t o m e. I t w as s o h ard t o t a lk . B ut D r. R osen ber g c a re d a b ou t m e
an d sh ow ed it , an d I w an te d to ta lk w it h h im . I w as alw ay s gla d
a erw ard s t h at I h ad le t s o m eth in g o u t. I r em ember c o u ntin g t h e day s,
e v en t h e h ou rs , u ntil m y n ex t a p p oin tm en t w it h h im .
I’v e a ls o l e arn ed t h at f a cin g r e a li t y i s n ot a ll b ad . I a m r e a li z in g m ore
a n d m ore o f t h e t h in gs t h at I n ee d t o s ta n d u p t o , t h in gs t h at I n eed t o
g et o u t a n d d o o n m y o w n.
is i s s c a ry. A nd it ’s v ery h ard . A nd it ’s s o d is c o u ra g in g t h at w hen I
a m tr y in g r e a lly a lo t, I c a n s till fa il s o te rrib ly . B ut th e go od p art o f
re a li t y i s t h at I ’v e b een s e ein g t h at i t i n clu des w on derfu l t h in gs, t o o.
I’v e le arn ed in t h e p ast y ear a b ou t h ow w on derfu l it c a n b e to s h are
m yse lf w it h o th er p eo p le . I th in k it w as m ostly ju st o n e part th at I
le arn ed , a b ou t t h e t h rill o f m y t a lk in g t o o th er p eo p le an d h av in g t h em
actu ally l i s te n — ev en r e a lly u n dersta n d a t t im es.
I c o n tin u e to b e a m aze d b y th e h ea li n g p ow er o f em path y. T im e an d
ag ain I hav e wit n ess e d peo p le tr a n sc e n d th e para ly zin g eff ects of
p sy ch olo gic a l p ain w hen t h ey h av e su ffi cien t c o n ta ct w it h so m eo n e w ho c a n
h ear th em em path ic a lly . As li s ten ers, we don’t need in sig h ts in to
p sy ch olo gic a l d yn am ic s o r tr a in in g in p sy ch oth er ap y. W hat is es sen tia l is
o u r a b ili t y to b e p re se n t to w hat’s re a lly g o in g o n w it h in — to th e un iq u e
fe eli n gs a n d n eed s a p ers o n i s e x p er ien cin g i n t h at v er y m om en t.
E m path y l i e s i n o u r a b ili t y t o be p re se n t. Su m mary
O ur a b ili t y t o o ff er e m path y c a n a llo w u s t o s ta y v u ln er ab le , d ef use poten tia l
v io le n ce, h ear th e w ord no w it h ou t ta k in g it a s a r e je c tio n , r e v iv e a li f e les s
co n vers a tio n , an d ev en hear th e fe eli n gs an d n eed s ex p res se d th ro u gh
sile n ce. Tim e an d ag ain , peo p le tr a n sc e n d th e para ly zin g eff ects of
p sy ch olo gic a l p ain w hen t h ey h av e su ffi cien t c o n ta ct w it h s o m eo n e w ho c a n
h ear t h em e m path ic a lly . W
9
Con n ectin g C om pa ssio n ate ly W it h O urse lv es
L et u s b eco m e th e ch an ge w e se ek i n t h e w orld .
— Mah atm a G an dh i
e h av e s e en h ow N VC c o n tr ib u tes to r e la tio n sh ip s w it h fr ien ds a n d
fa m ily , at work an d in th e poli t ic a l aren a. It s m ost cru cia l
ap p li c atio n , h ow ev er, m ay b e in th e way w e tr e at o u rs e lv es . W hen w e are
in te rn ally vio le n t to w ard ou rs e lv es , it is diffi cu lt to be gen uin ely
c o m pass io n ate t o w ard o th ers .
N VC ’s m ost im porta n t u se m ay b e in d ev elo p in g s e lf -
c o m passio n . Rem em berin g t h e S p ecia ln ess o f W hat W e A re
In t h e p la y A ou sa n d C lo w ns b y H erb G ard n er, t h e p ro ta g o n is t r ef uses t o
r e le a se h is t w elv e-y ear- o ld n ep h ew t o c h ild -w elf a re au th orit ies , d ecla rin g, “ I
w an t h im to g et to k n ow e x actly th e sp ecia l th in g h e is o r e ls e he won’t
n otic e it w hen it s ta rts t o g o . I w an t h im t o s ta y a w ak e … I w an t t o b e su re
h e s e es a ll t h e w ild p oss ib ili t ie s. I w an t h im t o k n ow i t ’s w orth a ll t h e tr o u ble
ju st to g iv e t h e w orld a li t t le g o osin g w hen y o u g et t h e ch an ce. A nd I w an t
h im t o k n ow t h e s u btle , s n ea k y, i m porta n t r e a so n w hy h e w as b orn a h u m an
b ein g a n d n ot a c h air .”
I am g ra v ely co n ce rn ed th at m an y o f u s h av e lo st aw aren ess o f “th e
sp ecia l th in g” w e are ; w e h av e fo rg o tt en th e “s u btle , sn ea k y, i m porta n t
re a so n” t h e u n cle s o p ass io n ate ly w an te d h is n ep h ew t o k n ow . W hen c rit ic a l
se lf - c o n ce p ts pre v en t us fr o m se ei ng th e beau ty in ou rs e lv es , w e lo se
c o n nec tio n w it h th e d iv in e e n erg y th at is o u r s o u rc e. C on dit io n ed to v ie w
o u rs e lv es as o bje c ts -o bje c ts fu ll o f sh ortc o m in gs— is it an y w on der th at
m an y o f u s e n d u p r e la tin g v io le n tly t o o u rs e lv es ?
An i m porta n t a re a w here t h is v io len ce c a n b e rep la ce d w it h c o m pass io n
is in ou r m om en t- to -m om en t ev alu atio n of ou rs e lv es . Sin ce we wan t
w hate v er w e d o t o l e a d t o t h e e n ric h m en t o f l i f e , i t i s c rit ic a l t o k n ow h ow t o
e v alu ate e v en ts a n d c o n dit io n s i n w ay s t h at h elp u s le arn a n d m ak e on go in g
ch oic e s t h at s e rv e u s. U nfo rtu n ate ly , t h e way w e’v e been t r a in ed t o e v alu ate
o u rs e lv es o en p ro m ote s m ore s e lf - h atr e d t h an l e arn in g.
W e u se N VC t o e v a lu ate o u rse lv es i n w ay s t h at e n gen der
g ro w th r a th er t h an s e lf - h atr e d . Eva lu atin g O urse lv es W hen W e’v e B een L ess an P erfe ct
In a r o u tin e w ork sh op a ctiv it y , I a sk p artic ip an ts t o r e ca ll a r e ce n t o cc a sio n
w hen t h ey d id s o m eth in g t h ey w is h t h ey h ad n’t . W e t h en lo ok a t h ow t h ey
sp oke to th em se lv es im med ia te ly a er h av in g m ad e what is ref er re d in
c o m mon la n gu ag e a s a “ m is ta k e” o r “e rro r.” T yp ic a l s ta te m en ts w er e: “ at
w as d u m b!” “ H ow c o u ld y o u d o s u ch a s tu pid th in g?” “ W hat’s w ro n g w it h
y o u ?” “ Y ou ’r e a lw ay s m ess in g u p !” “ at’s s e l sh !”
ese s p ea k ers h ad b een t a u gh t to ju dge t h em se lv es in w ay s t h at im ply
t h at w hat th ey d id w as w ro n g o r b ad ; th ei r se lf - a d m on is h m en t im pli c it ly
a ssu m es t h at t h ey d ese rv e t o s u ff er f o r w hat t h ey ’v e don e. I t is t r a g ic t h at s o
m an y of us get en m esh ed in se lf - h atr e d ra th er th an ben et fr o m ou r
m is ta k es, w hic h s h ow u s o u r l i m it a tio n s a n d g u id e us t o w ard s g ro w th .
E ven w hen w e s o m etim es d o “ le arn a le ss o n” fr o m m is ta k es fo r w hic h
w e ju dge o u rs e lv es h arsh ly , I w orr y a b ou t th e natu re of th e en ergy b eh in d
th at k in d o f c h an ge a n d le arn in g. I ’d li k e c h an ge to b e s tim ula te d b y a c le ar
d esir e to e n ric h li f e fo r o u rs e lv es o r fo r o th er s ra th er th an b y d es tr u ctiv e
en erg ie s s u ch a s s h am e o r g u ilt .
I f th e w ay w e ev alu ate ou rs e lv es le a d s us to fe el sh am e, an d w e
co n se q u en tly ch an ge ou r beh av io r, w e are allo w in g ou r gro w in g an d
le arn in g to b e g u id ed b y se lf - h atr e d . S h am e is a fo rm o f se lf - h atr e d , a n d
actio n s ta k en in r e a ctio n to s h am e are not fr e e an d jo yfu l a cts . E ven if o u r
in te n tio n is to b eh av e w it h m ore kin dn es s a n d sen sit iv it y , if p eo p le sen se
sh am e o r g u ilt b eh in d o u r a ctio n s, t h ey a re les s li k ely t o a p pre cia te what w e
do t h an i f w e a re m otiv ate d p u re ly b y t h e hu m an d es ir e to c o n tr ib u te to l i f e .
In o u r la n gu ag e th ere is a w ord w it h en orm ou s p ow er to c re ate sh am e
an d g u ilt . is v io le n t w ord , w hic h w e co m mon ly u se to e v alu ate ou rs e lv es ,
is so d eep ly in gra in ed in o u r c o n sc io u sn ess th at m an y o f u s w ou ld h av e
tr o u ble im ag in in g h ow to li v e w it h ou t it . It is th e word sh ou ld , a s in “I
sh ou ld h av e k n ow n b ett e r” o r “ I s h ou ld n’t h av e don e t h at.” M ost o f t h e tim e
when w e u se th is w ord w it h o u rs e lv es , w e res is t le arn in g, b ecau se sh ou ld
i m pli e s th at th ere is n o c h oic e. H um an b ei ngs, w hen h earin g a n y k in d o f
d em an d, t e n d t o r e sis t b ecau se it t h re ate n s o u r a u to n om y— ou r s tr o n g n eed
fo r c h oic e. W e h av e t h is r e a ctio n t o t y ra n ny e v en w hen it ’s in ter nal t y ra n ny
in t h e f o rm o f a sh ou ld . Avo id s h ou ld in g y o u rse lf !
A sim ila r e x p re ss io n o f in te rn al d em an d o cc u rs in th e fo llo w in g se lf -
e v alu atio n : “W hat I’m d oin g is ju st ter rib le . I re a lly m ust d o so m ethin g
ab ou t it !” in k fo r a m om en t o f a ll th e peo p le yo u ’v e heard s a y, “ I r e a lly
s h ou ld g iv e u p s m okin g,” o r, “ I r e a lly h av e to d o s o m eth in g a b ou t ex ercis in g
m ore .” ey k eep s a y in g w hat t h ey “ m ust” d o a n d t h ey k eep r es is tin g d oin g
it , b ecau se h u m an b ein gs w ere n ot m ean t t o b e sla v es . W e w er e not m ean t t o
s u cc u m b to th e d ic ta te s o f s h ou ld a n d have to , w heth er th ey co m e fr o m
o u ts id e o r in sid e o f o u rs e lv es. A nd if w e d o yie ld an d su bm it to th es e
dem an ds, o u r a ctio n s a ris e f r o m a n en ergy t h at i s d ev o id o f l i f e- giv in g j o y. Tra n sla tin g S elf - Ju dgm en ts a n d I n ner D em an ds
W hen w e co m mun ic ate w it h o u rs e lv es o n a reg ula r b asis th ro u gh in ner
ju dgm en t, b la m e, a n d d em an d, it ’s n ot s u rp ris in g t h at o u r s e lf - c o n cep t g iv es
in t o f e eli n g m ore li k e a c h air t h an a h u m an b ei ng. A b asic p rem is e of N VC
is t h at w hen ev er w e i m ply t h at s o m eo n e i s w ro n g o r b ad , w hat w e are re a lly
s a y in g is th at h e o r sh e is n ot a ctin g in h arm on y w it h o u r n eed s. If th e
p ers o n w e a re ju dgin g h ap p en s to b e ou rs e lv es , w hat w e are sa y in g is , “I
m yse lf a m n ot b eh av in g in h arm on y w it h m y o w n n eed s.” I a m c o n vin ce d
th at if w e le arn t o e v alu ate o u rs e lv es in t e rm s o f w het her a n d h ow w ell o u r
n eed s are bein g fu l lle d , w e are much m ore li k ely to le arn fr o m th e
ev alu atio n .
O ur c h alle n ge t h en , w hen w e a re doin g s o m eth in g t h at is n ot en ric h in g
li f e , is to ev alu ate o u rs e lv es m om en t b y m om en t in a w ay th at in sp ir es
c h an ge b oth ( 1 ) i n t h e d ir e c tio n o f w her e w e w ou ld l i k e t o g o , a n d ( 2 ) o u t o f
re sp ec t a n d c o m pass io n f o r o u rs e lv es , r a th er t h an o u t o f s e lf - h atr e d , g u ilt o r
sh am e.
S elf - ju dgm en ts , li k e all ju dgm en ts , are tr a g ic
e x p re ssio n s o f u n m et n eed s. NVC M ou rn in g
A er a l i f e tim e o f s c h ooli n g a n d s o cia li z atio n , i t i s p ro b ab ly t o o l a te fo r m ost
o f u s t o t r a in o u r m in ds t o t h in k p u re ly i n t er m s o f w hat w e need a n d v alu e
fr o m m om en t to m om en t. H ow ev er , ju st a s w e h av e le arn ed to tr a n sla te
ju dgm en ts w hen c o n vers in g w it h o th er s, w e c a n t r a in o u rs e lv es t o r e co gn iz e
ju dgm en ta l se lf - ta lk an d to im med ia te ly fo cu s ou r att en tio n on th e
u n derly in g n eed s.
F or e x am ple , i f w e n d o u rs e lv es r e a ctin g r ep ro ach fu lly t o s o m eth in g w e
did (“ L ook, yo u ju st m ess e d u p ag ain !” ), w e ca n q u ic k ly sto p an d ask
o u rs e lv es, “W hat u n m et n eed of m in e is b ei ng ex pres se d th ro u gh th is
m ora li s tic ju dgm en t? ” W hen w e d o c o n nect t o t h e need — an d t h er e m ay b e
se v era l la y ers o f n eed s— we w ill n otic e a rem ark ab le sh i in o u r b o d ies .
In ste a d o f th e sh am e, g u ilt , o r d ep res sio n w e li k ely fe el w hen crit ic iz in g
ou rs e lv es fo r h av in g “ m ess e d u p a g ain ,” w e w ill ex per ien ce a n y n u m ber o f
o th er fe eli n gs. W heth er it ’s s a d n es s, fr u str a tio n , d is a p p oin tm en t, fe ar, g rief ,
or s o m e o th er fe eli n g, w e h av e b een en dow ed b y n atu re wit h t h es e fe eli n gs
fo r a p u rp ose : t h ey m obili z e u s t o p u rsu e an d f u l ll w hat w e need o r v alu e.
e im pact of th ese fe eli n gs on ou r sp ir it an d bo d ies is su bsta n tia lly
d iff ere n t fr o m th e d is c o n nec tio n th at is b ro u gh t o n b y g u ilt , sh am e, a n d
dep re ss io n .
M ou rn in g in N VC is th e p ro ce ss o f fu lly c o n nectin g w it h th e un m et
need s an d th e fe eli n gs th at are g en er ate d w hen w e h av e been les s th an
p erfe c t. I t i s a n e x p erie n ce o f r e g ret , b u t r eg ret t h at h elp s u s l e arn f r o m w hat
w e h av e d on e w it h ou t b la m in g o r h atin g o u rs e lv es . W e se e how o u r b eh av io r
ra n c o u nte r t o o u r o w n n eed s a n d v alu es , a n d w e o p en o u rs e lv es t o f e eli n gs
th at a ris e o u t o f t h at a w are n ess . W hen o u r c o n sc io u sn ess i s f o cu se d o n w hat
w e n eed , w e a re n atu ra lly s tim ula te d t o w ard c re ativ e poss ib ili t ies f o r h ow t o
g et th at n eed m et. In co n tr a st, th e mora li s tic ju dgm en ts w e use when
bla m in g o u rs e lv es te n d to o b sc u re su ch p oss ib ili t ies a n d to p er pet uate a
sta te o f s e lf - p u n is h m en t.
N VC m ou rn in g: c o n nectin g w it h t h e f e eli n gs a n d u n m et
n eed s s tim ula te d b y p ast a ctio n s w e n ow r e g re t. Self - F org iv en ess
W e f o llo w u p o n t h e p ro ce ss o f m ou rn in g w it h s e lf - fo rg iv en ess. T u rn in g o u r
att e n tio n t o t h e p art o f t h e s e lf w hic h c h ose to a ct in t h e way t h at le d t o t h e
pre se n t sit u atio n , w e a sk o u rs e lv es , “ W hen I b eh av ed in th e way w hic h I
n ow r e g re t, w hat n eed o f m in e w as I t r y in g t o m eet? ” I b eli e v e th at h u m an
b ein gs a re a lw ay s a ctin g in th e ser vic e o f n eed s a n d v alu es . is is tr u e
w heth er th e a ctio n d oes o r d oes n ot m eet th e need , o r w het her it ’s o n e we
en d u p c ele b ra tin g o r r e g re tt in g.
W hen w e li s te n e m path ic a lly to o u rs e lv es , w e w ill b e ab le to h ear th e
u n derly in g need . Self - fo rg iv en es s occ u rs th e mom en t th is em path ic
c o n nec tio n is m ad e. en w e a re ab le to r e co gn iz e h ow o u r c h oic e was a n
att e m pt to se rv e li f e , e v en a s th e m ou rn in g p ro ce ss te a ch es u s h ow it fe ll
s h ort o f f u l lli n g o u r n eed s.
A n im porta n t a sp ec t o f se lf - c o m pass io n is to b e ab le to e m path ic a lly
h old b oth p arts o f o u rs e lv es— th e se lf t h at r eg ret s a p ast a ctio n a n d t h e se lf
t h at to ok th e a ctio n in th e rst p la ce. e pro ce ss o f m ou rn in g a n d se lf -
fo rg iv en ess f r e es u s in t h e d ir e c tio n o f le arn in g a n d g ro w in g. I n c o n nectin g
m om en t b y m om en t t o o u r n eed s, w e in cre a se ou r c re ativ e cap acit y t o a ct i n
h arm on y w it h t h em .
N VC s e lf - fo rg iv en ess: c o n ne ctin g w it h t h e n eed w e w ere
tr y in g to m eet w hen w e to ok th e a ctio n th at w e n ow
re g re t. e L ess o n o f t h e P olk a-D ott e d S u it
I w ou ld li k e to illu str a te th e p ro ce ss o f m ou rn in g a n d se lf - fo rg iv en ess b y
re ca lli n g a p ers o n al e v en t. e d ay b ef ore an im porta n t w ork sh op, I h ad
b ou gh t a li g h t g ra y su m mer su it to w ear. A t th e en d o f th e well- a tt en ded
w ork sh op, I w as s w arm ed b y p artic ip an ts a sk in g fo r m y s ig n atu re , a d dres s,
a n d o th er in fo rm atio n . W it h tim e clo sin g in o n an oth er ap p oin tm en t, I
h aste n ed t o a tt e n d t o t h e r e q u ests o f t h e partic ip an ts , s ig n in g a n d s c rib bli n g
on t h e m an y b it s o f p ap er t h ru st in f r o n t o f m e. A s I r u sh ed o u t t h e door, I
s tu ck m y p en — un cap p ed — in th e pock et o f m y n ew su it . O nce ou ts id e, I
d is c o vere d t o m y h orro r t h at in ste a d o f t h e nic e li g h t g ra y s u it , I n ow h ad a
p olk a-d ott e d s u it !
F or tw en ty m in ute s I w as b ru ta l w it h m yse lf : “H ow c o u ld y o u b e so
c a re le ss ? W hat a s tu pid t h in g to d o!” I h ad ju st r u in ed a b ra n d-n ew s u it : if
e v er I n eed ed c o m pass io n a n d u n der sta n din g, t h is w as t h e tim e, y et t h er e I
was r e sp on din g t o m yse lf i n a w ay t h at l e m e fe eli n g w ors e th an e v er .
Fortu n ate ly — a er o n ly tw en ty m in utes — I n otic e d w hat I w as d oin g. I
s to p p ed , lo oked f o r t h e n eed o f m in e th at w as u n m et b y h av in g le t h e pen
un cap p ed , a n d a sk ed m yse lf , “ W hat n eed li es b eh in d m y ju dgin g m yse lf a s
‘c a re le ss’ a n d ‘s tu pid ?’”
I m med ia te ly I s a w t h at it w as t o t a k e bet ter c a re of m yse lf : t o h av e giv en
m ore a tt e n tio n to m y o w n n eed s w hile I w as r u sh in g to a d dre ss e v ery o n e
els e’s n eed s. A s s o on a s I to u ch ed th at p art o f m yse lf a n d c o n necte d to th e
deep lo n gin g to b e m ore a w are a n d c a rin g o f m y o w n n eed s, m y fe eli n gs
sh i ed . ere w as a r e le a se o f t e n sio n in m y b o d y a s t h e an ger, s h am e, a n d
gu ilt I w as h arb orin g to w ard m yse lf d is s ip ate d . I fu lly m ou rn ed th e ru in ed
su it a n d u n cap p ed p en a s I o p en ed t o f e eli n gs o f s a d n ess a ris in g a lo n g w it h
t h e y earn in g t o t a k e b ett e r c a re o f m yse lf .
N ex t I s h i ed m y a tt e n tio n t o t h e n eed I w as m eet in g w hen I s li p p ed t h e
u n cap p ed p en in to m y p ock et. I re co gn iz e d h ow m uch I v alu ed c a re an d
co n sid era tio n fo r o th er p eo p le ’s n eed s. O f c o u rs e , in t a k in g s u ch g o od c a re
o f o th er p eo p le ’s n eed s, I h ad n ot t a k en t h e tim e to d o t h e sa m e fo r m yse lf .
B ut i n ste a d o f b la m e, I f e lt a w av e of c o m pass io n f o r m yse lf a s I r e a li z e d t h at
e v en m y r u sh in g a n d p u tt in g th e pen a w ay u nth in kin gly h ad c o m e ou t o f
se rv in g m y o w n n eed t o r e sp on d t o o th er s i n a c a rin g w ay ! We a re c o m passio n ate w it h o u rse lv es w hen w e a re a b le
t o em bra ce all p arts of ou rse lv es an d re co gn iz e th e
n eed s a n d v a lu es e x p re ss e d b y e a ch p art.
In t h at c o m pass io n ate p la ce, I a m a b le to h old b oth n eed s: in o n e han d,
to r e sp on d in a c a rin g w ay t o o th er s’ n eed s, a n d in t h e oth er , t o b e aw are of
an d ta k e b ett e r ca re o f m y o w n n eed s. O n b eco m in g co n sc io u s o f b oth
n eed s, I c a n im ag in e w ay s o f b eh av in g d iff er en tly in s im ila r s it u atio n s a n d
arriv in g a t s o lu tio n s m ore r e so u rc e fu lly t h an i f I l o se th at c o n sc io u sn es s i n a
s e a o f s e lf - ju dgm en t. Don’t D o A nyth in g at I s n ’t P la y !
In a d dit io n t o t h e p ro ce ss o f m ou rn in g a n d s e lf - fo rg iv en ess, a n oth er a sp ect
o f se lf - c o m pass io n I em ph asiz e is in th e en ergy th at’s b eh in d w hate v er
actio n w e t a k e. W hen I a d vis e , “ D on’t d o a n yth in g t h at i s n ’t p la y !” s o m e ta k e
m e t o b e r a d ic a l, e v en i n sa n e. I e arn es tly b eli e v e, h ow ev er , t h at a n i m porta n t
fo rm o f s e lf - c o m pass io n is to m ak e ch oic e s m otiv ate d p u re ly b y o u r d es ir e
to c o n tr ib u te t o li f e r a th er t h an o u t o f f e ar, g u ilt , s h am e, d u ty , o r o bli g atio n .
W hen w e a re c o n sc io u s o f th e li f e- en ric h in g p u rp ose b eh in d a n a ctio n w e
ta k e, w hen t h e s o le e n erg y t h at m otiv ate s u s i s s im ply t o m ak e li f e w on der fu l
fo r o th ers a n d o u rs e lv es, t h en e v en h ard w ork h as a n e lem ent o f p la y in it .
C orre sp on din gly , a n o th erw is e jo yfu l a ctiv it y p er fo rm ed o u t o f o bli g atio n ,
du ty , f e ar, g u ilt , o r s h am e w ill l o se it s j o y a n d e v en tu ally en gen der r es is ta n ce.
W e w an t t o t a k e a ctio n o u t o f t h e d esir e t o co n tr ib u te t o
li f e r a th er t h an o u t o f f e a r, g u ilt , s h am e, o r o b li g atio n .
In C hap te r 2 , w e co n sid ere d re p la cin g la n gu ag e th at im pli es la ck o f
ch oic e w it h la n gu ag e th at a ck n ow le d ges c h oic e. M an y y ears a g o I b eg an to
e n gag e in an activ it y w hic h sig n i ca n tly en la rg ed th e pool of jo y an d
hap pin ess av aila b le to m y li f e , w hile d im in is h in g d ep res sio n , gu ilt , an d
sh am e. I o ff er it h ere as a p oss ib le way to d eep en o u r co m pass io n fo r
o u rs e lv es, t o h elp u s li v e o u r li v es o u t o f jo yo u s p la y b y s ta y in g g ro u n ded in
a c le ar a w are n ess o f t h e l i f e -e n ric h in g n eed b eh in d e v er yth in g w e do. Tra n sla tin g “ H av e t o ” t o “ C hoos e t o ”
S te p 1
W hat d o y o u d o in y o u r li f e t h at y o u d on’t e x p er ien ce a s p la y fu l? L is t o n a
p ie ce o f p ap er a ll t h ose t h in gs t h at y o u t e ll y o u rs e lf y o u h av e to d o. L is t a n y
activ it y y o u d re a d b u t d o a n yw ay b ecau se yo u p er ce iv e yo u rs e lf to h av e no
ch oic e.
W hen I rst r e v ie w ed m y o w n li s t, ju st s e ei ng h ow lo n g it w as g av e m e
in sig h t a s t o w hy s o m uch o f m y t im e was s p en t n ot en jo yin g li f e . I n otic e d
h ow m an y ord in ary, daily th in gs I w as doin g by tr ic k in g m yse lf in to
b eli e v in g t h at I h ad t o d o t h em .
e rst i t e m o n m y l i s t w as “ w rit e c li n ic a l r ep orts .” I h ate d w rit in g t h es e
re p orts , y et I w as s p en din g a t le a st a n h ou r o f a g o n y o ver th em e v er y d ay.
M y s e co n d i t e m w as “ d riv e t h e c h ild ren ’s c a r p ool t o s c h ool.” Ste p 2
A er co m ple tin g yo u r li s t, cle arly ack n ow le d ge to yo u rs e lf th at yo u are
d oin g t h ese t h in gs b ecau se y o u c h oose to d o t h em , n ot b ecau se y o u h av e t o .
In se rt t h e w ord s “ I c h oose to … “ i n f r o n t o f e a ch i t e m y o u l i s te d .
I re ca ll m y ow n re sis ta n ce to th is ste p . “W rit in g cli n ic a l rep orts ,” I
in sis te d to m yse lf , “ is n ot s o m eth in g I c h oose to d o! I h av e to d o it . I’m a
c li n ic a l p sy ch olo gis t. I h av e t o w rit e th es e rep orts .” Ste p 3
A er h av in g a ck n ow le d ged t h at y o u c h oose to d o a p artic u la r a ctiv it y , g et i n
t o u ch w it h t h e in te n tio n b eh in d y o u r c h oic e b y c o m plet in g t h e sta tem ent, I
c h oose t o … b ecau se I w an t … .
At rst I f u m ble d t o i d en tif y w hat I w an te d f r o m w rit in g c li n ic a l r ep orts .
I h ad a lr e a d y d ete rm in ed , s e v era l m on th s e arli er , th at th e rep orts d id n ot
se rv e m y c li e n ts e n ou gh to ju stif y th e tim e th ey w ere ta k in g, s o w hy w as I
c o n tin u in g t o in vest s o m uch e n er gy in t h ei r p rep ara tio n ? F in ally I r e a li z e d
th at I w as c h oosin g t o w rit e t h e r ep orts s o le ly b ecau se I w an te d t h e in co m e
th ey p ro vid ed . A s s o on a s I r e co gn iz e d th is , I n ev er w ro te an oth er c li n ic a l
re p ort. I c a n ’t te ll y o u h ow jo yfu l I fe el ju st th in kin g o f h ow m an y c li n ic a l
re p orts I h av en ’t w rit t e n sin ce th at m om en t th ir ty - ve years a g o ! W hen I
re a li z e d th at m on ey w as m y p rim ary m otiv atio n , I im med ia te ly s a w th at I
c o u ld n d o th er w ay s to t a k e c a re of m yse lf n an cia lly , a n d t h at in fa ct, I ’d
r a th er s c av en ge i n g arb ag e c a n s f o r f o od t h an w rit e an oth er c li n ic a l r ep ort.
e n ex t it e m o n m y li s t o f u njo yfu l ta sk s w as d riv in g th e ch ild ren to
s c h ool. W hen I ex am in ed th e re a so n b eh in d th at ch ore , h ow ev er , I fe lt
a p pre cia tio n fo r th e b en e ts m y ch ild ren re ce iv ed fr o m att en din g th ei r
sc h ool. ey c o u ld e a sily w alk to th e neig h borh ood s c h ool, b u t th ei r o w n
sc h ool w as f a r m ore in h arm on y w it h m y e d u catio n al v alu es . I c o n tin u ed t o
d riv e, b u t w it h a d iff ere n t e n erg y; in ste a d o f “ O h, d arn , I h av e to d riv e th e
ca r p ool t o d ay,” I w as c o n sc io u s o f m y p u rp ose , w hic h w as fo r m y c h ild ren
to h av e a qu ali t y of ed u catio n th at w as ver y d ear to m e. O f co u rs e I
so m etim es n eed ed t o r e m in d m yse lf t w o o r t h re e tim es d u rin g t h e driv e to
r e fo cu s m y m in d o n w hat p u rp ose m y a ctio n w as s er vin g.
W it h e v er y c h oic e y o u m ak e, b e c o n sc io u s o f w hat n eed
it s e r v es. Cult iv atin g A w are n ess o f t h e E nerg y B eh in d O ur A ctio n s
A s y o u e x p lo re t h e s ta te m en t, “ I c h oose to … b ecau se I w an t … ,” y o u m ay
d is c o ver— as I d id w it h t h e c h ild ren ’s c a r p ool— th e im porta n t v alu es b eh in d
th e c h oic e s y o u ’v e m ad e. I a m c o n vin ce d t h at a er w e gain c la rit y r eg ard in g
th e n eed b ein g s e rv ed b y o u r a ctio n s, w e ca n e x p er ien ce th ose actio n s a s
p la y e v en w hen t h ey i n vo lv e h ard w ork , c h allen ge, o r f r u str a tio n .
For s o m e it e m s o n y o u r li s t, h ow ev er , y o u m ig h t u n co ver o n e o r s e v er al
o f t h e f o llo w in g m otiv atio n s:
(1 ) F O R M ON EY
M on ey is a m ajo r fo rm o f ex tr in sic re w ard in o u r so ciet y. C hoic es
p ro m pte d b y a d esir e f o r r e w ard a re co stly : t h ey d ep riv e us o f t h e jo y in li f e
t h at c o m es w it h a ctio n s g ro u n ded in th e cle ar in ten tio n to c o n tr ib u te to a
h u m an n eed . M on ey is n ot a “n eed ” a s w e de ne it in N VC; it is o n e of
co u ntle ss s tr a te g ie s t h at m ay b e s e le cte d t o a d dres s a n eed .
(2 ) F O R A PPR O VA L
Lik e m on ey, a p pro val fr o m o th er s is a fo rm o f e x tr in sic re w ard . O ur
cu lt u re h as e d u cate d u s t o h u n ger f o r r e w ard . W e a tt en ded s c h ools t h at u se d
ex tr in sic m ean s to m otiv ate u s to stu dy; w e g re w u p in h om es w her e we
were r e w ard ed f o r b ein g g o od li t t le boys a n d g ir ls , a n d w er e pu n is h ed w hen
ou r c a re ta k ers ju dged u s to b e o th er wis e . us, a s a d u lt s , w e e a sily tr ic k
o u rs e lv es in to b eli e v in g t h at li f e c o n sis ts o f d oin g t h in gs fo r r e w ard ; w e are
a d dic te d t o g ett in g a s m ile , a p at o n t h e back , a n d p eo p le ’s v er bal ju dgm en ts
t h at w e a re a “g o od p ers o n ,” “g o od p aren t,” “g o o d c it iz e n ,” “g o o d w ork er ,”
“ g o od f r ie n d,” a n d s o fo rth . W e d o t h in gs t o g et p eo p le to li k e u s a n d a v o id
t h in gs t h at m ay l e a d p eo p le t o d is li k e o r p u n is h u s.
I n d i t t r a g ic t h at w e w ork s o h ard t o b u y l o ve an d a ssu m e th at w e m ust
d en y o u rs e lv es a n d d o fo r o th ers in o rd er to b e li k ed . I n fa ct, w hen w e do
th in gs s o le ly in t h e s p ir it o f e n han cin g li f e , w e w ill n d o th er s a p pre cia tin g
us. eir a p pre cia tio n , h ow ev er, is o n ly a fe ed back m ech an is m c o n rm in g
th at o u r e ff orts h ad t h e in te n ded e ff ec t. e r e co gn it io n t h at w e hav e ch osen
to u se o u r p ow er to s e rv e li f e a n d h av e don e so s u cce ss fu lly b rin gs u s th e
gen u in e jo y o f c ele b ra tin g o u rs e lv es in a w ay t h at a p pro val f r o m o th er s c a n
n ev er o ff er.
( 3 ) T O E SC A PE P U N IS H M EN T So m e of us pay in co m e ta x prim arily to av o id pu n is h m en t. A s a
co n se q u en ce, w e a re li k ely to a p pro ach th at y early r it u al w it h a d eg re e of
re se n tm en t. I r e ca ll, h ow ev er, f r o m m y c h ild hood h ow d iff er en tly m y f a th er
an d g ra n dfa th er f e lt a b ou t p ay in g t a x es . ey h ad i m mig ra te d t o t h e U nit e d
S ta te s fr o m R uss ia an d w ere d es ir o u s o f su pp ortin g a go ver nm en t th ey
b eli e v ed w as p ro te c tin g p eo p le i n a w ay t h at t h e cza r h ad n ot. I m ag in in g t h e
m an y p eo p le w hose w elf a re w as b ei ng s er ved b y th ei r ta x m on ey, th ey fe lt
e arn est p le a su re a s t h ey s e n t t h eir c h eck s t o t h e U .S . g o ver nm en t.
( 4 ) T O A V O ID S H AM E
ere m ay b e s o m e t a sk s w e c h oose to d o ju st t o a v o id s h am e. W e kn ow
th at i f w e d on’t d o t h em , w e’l l e n d u p s u ff erin g s e v er e se lf - ju dgm en t, h earin g
ou r o w n v o ic e t e lli n g u s t h ere is s o m eth in g w ro n g o r s tu pid a b ou t u s. I f w e
do s o m eth in g s tim ula te d s o le ly b y t h e urg e t o a v o id s h am e, w e w ill g en erally
e n d u p d ete stin g i t .
( 5 ) T O A V O ID G U IL T
In o th er in sta n ce s, w e m ay th in k, “If I d on’t d o th is , p eo p le will b e
d is a p p oin te d in m e.” W e a re a fr a id w e’l l e n d u p fe eli n g g u ilt y fo r fa ili n g to
f u l ll oth er p eo p le ’s ex p ec ta tio n s of u s. ere is a w orld of d iff er en ce
b etw een d oin g s o m eth in g f o r o th er s in o rd er t o a v o id g u ilt a n d d oin g it o u t
of a c le ar a w are n ess o f o u r o w n n eed t o c o n tr ib u te to t h e hap pin es s o f o th er
hu m an b ein gs. e rst is a w orld lle d w it h m is er y; t h e se co n d is a w orld
lle d w it h p la y.
B e co n sc io u s of actio n s m otiv ate d b y th e d esir e fo r
m on ey o r a p pro va l, a n d b y fe a r, s h am e, o r g u ilt . K now
th e p ric e y o u p ay f o r t h em .
(6 ) T O S A TIS F Y A S E N SE O F D U TY
W hen w e u se la n gu ag e w hic h d en ies c h oic e ( fo r ex am ple , w ord s s u ch a s
sh ou ld , h ave to , o u gh t, m ust, c a n’t , s u pp ose d t o , e tc .) , o u r b eh av io rs a ris e o u t
of a v ag u e s e n se o f g u ilt , d u ty , o r o bli g atio n . I c o n sid er t h is to b e t h e m ost
s o cia lly d an gero u s a n d p ers o n ally u n fo rtu n ate of a ll th e way s w e act w hen
w e’r e c u t o ff f r o m o u r n eed s.
In C hap te r 2 w e sa w h ow th e co n ce p t o f A m ts sp ra ch e a llo w ed A dolf
E ic h m an n a n d h is c o lle a g u es to s en d ten s o f th ou sa n ds o f p eo p le to th ei r death s w it h ou t f e eli n g e m otio n ally a ff ecte d o r p er so n ally r es pon sib le . W hen
w e s p ea k a la n gu ag e t h at d en ie s c h oic e, w e fo rfei t t h e li f e in o u rs e lv es fo r a
r o b otli k e m en ta li t y t h at d is c o n nects u s f r o m o u r o w n c o re .
e m ost d an gero u s o f all b eh av io rs m ay co n sis t o f
d oin g t h in gs “ b eca u se w e’r e s u pp ose d t o .”
A er e x am in in g t h e li s t o f it e m s y o u h av e gen er ate d , y o u m ay d ecid e to
s to p d oin g c e rta in th in gs in th e s a m e sp ir it th at I c h ose to fo reg o w rit in g
cli n ic a l r e p orts . A s r a d ic a l a s i t m ay s e em , i t i s p oss ib le to d o t h in gs o n ly o u t
of p la y. I b eli e v e th at to th e d eg re e th at w e en gag e m om en t b y m om en t in
t h e pla y fu ln ess of en ric h in g li f e— motiv ate d so le ly by th e des ir e fo r
en ric h in g l i f e — to t h at d eg re e a re w e bei ng c o m pass io n ate w it h o u rs e lv es . Su m mary
e m ost c ru cia l a p p li c atio n o f N VC m ay b e in t h e way w e tr e at o u rs e lv es .
W hen w e m ak e m is ta k es, in ste a d o f g et tin g c au gh t u p in m ora li s tic se lf -
ju dgm en ts , w e c a n u se t h e p ro ce ss o f N VC m ou rn in g a n d s e lf - fo rg iv en ess t o
s h ow u s w here w e c a n g ro w . B y a ss es sin g o u r b eh av io rs i n t er m s o f o u r o w n
un m et n eed s, t h e im petu s fo r c h an ge c o m es n ot o u t o f s h am e, g u ilt , a n ger ,
or d ep re ss io n , b u t o u t o f th e g en u in e des ir e to c o n tr ib u te to o u r o w n a n d
oth ers’ w ell- b ein g.
W e a ls o c u lt iv ate s e lf - c o m pass io n b y c o n sc io u sly c h oosin g i n d aily l i f e to
a ct o n ly in s e rv ic e t o o u r o w n n eed s a n d v alu es r a th er t h an o u t o f d u ty , fo r
ex tr in sic r e w ard s, o r t o a v o id g u ilt , s h am e, a n d p u n is h m en t. I f w e re v ie w t h e
jo yle ss a cts t o w hic h w e c u rre n tly s u bje ct o u rs e lv es a n d m ak e th e tr a n sla tio n
fr o m “ h av e t o ” t o “ c h oose t o ,” w e w ill d is c o ver m ore pla y a n d i n teg rit y i n o u r
li v es. T
10
Exp re ssin g A nger F u lly
h e s u bje c t o f a n ger g iv es u s a u n iq u e op p ortu n it y to d iv e m ore deep ly
i n to N VC. B ecau se it b rin gs m an y a sp ects o f th is p ro ce ss in to sh arp
fo cu s, th e e x p re ss io n o f a n ger c le arly d em on str a te s th e diff er en ce bet ween
N VC a n d o th er f o rm s o f c o m mun ic atio n .
H urtin g p eo p le i s t o o s u p erfi cia l.
I w ou ld li k e to su ggest th at h it t in g, b la m in g, h u rtin g o th er s— whet her
physic a lly o r e m otio n ally — are a ll s u p er cia l e x p res sio n s o f w hat i s g o in g o n
w it h in u s w hen w e a re a n gry. I f w e a re tr u ly a n gry, w e wou ld w an t a m uch
m ore p ow erfu l w ay t o f u lly e x p re ss o u rs e lv es .
is u n dersta n din g c o m es a s a r e li ef to m an y g ro u p s I w ork w it h th at
e x p erie n ce o p pre ss io n a n d d is c rim in atio n a n d w an t t o in cre a se th ei r p ow er
to eff ec t ch an ge. Su ch gro u p s are un ea sy w hen th ey hear th e ter m s
non vio le n t o r c o m pa ssio n ate co m mun ic atio n b ecau se th ey h av e so o en
been u rg ed t o s ti e t h eir a n ger, c a lm d ow n, a n d a cce p t t h e sta tu s q u o. ey
w orr y ab ou t ap pro ach es th at v ie w th ei r an ger as an u n des ir a b le qu ali t y
n eed in g to b e p u rg ed . e p ro ces s w e are desc rib in g, h ow ev er , d oes n ot
en co u ra g e u s to ig n ore , s q u ash , o r s w allo w a n ger, b u t r a th er to ex pres s t h e
co re o f o u r a n ger f u lly a n d w hole h earte d ly . Dis tin gu is h in g S tim ulu s F ro m C au se
e rst s te p t o f u lly e x p re ss in g a n ger i n N VC i s t o d iv o rc e t h e oth er p er so n
fr o m a n y r e sp on sib ili t y f o r o u r a n ger. W e rid o u rs e lv es o f t h ou gh ts s u ch a s,
“ H e (o r sh e o r th ey ) m ad e m e a n gry w hen th ey d id th at.” S u ch th in kin g
le a d s u s t o e x p re ss o u r a n ger s u p er cia lly b y b la m in g o r p u n is h in g t h e oth er
p ers o n . E arli e r w e s a w t h at t h e b eh av io r o f o th er s m ay b e a s tim ulu s f o r o u r
fe eli n gs, b u t n ot t h e c au se . W e a re nev er a n gry b ecau se of w hat s o m eo n e els e
d id . W e c a n id en tif y th e o th er p er so n’s b eh av io r a s th e stim ulu s, b u t it is
i m porta n t t o e sta b li s h a c le ar s e p ara tio n b et ween s tim ulu s a n d c au se .
W e a re n ev er a n gry b eca u se o f w hat o th ers s a y o r d o.
I’d li k e to illu str a te t h is d is tin ctio n w it h a n e x am ple fr o m m y w ork a t a
S w ed is h p ris o n . M y jo b w as to s h ow p ris o n ers w ho h ad b eh av ed in v io len t
way s h ow t o f u lly e x p re ss t h eir a n ger r a th er t h an t o k ill, b eat, o r r a p e oth er
p eo p le . D urin g a n e x erc is e c a lli n g o n p artic ip an ts t o i d en tif y t h e stim ulu s o f
th eir a n ger, o n e p ris o n er w ro te : “ re e week s a g o I m ad e a r e q u es t to th e
pris o n o ffi cia ls a n d th ey s till h av en ’t r es pon ded to it .” H is s ta te m en t w as a
c le ar o b se rv atio n o f a s tim ulu s, d es crib in g w hat o th er p eo p le had d on e.
I t h en a sk ed h im to s ta te t h e c au se of h is a n ger: “ W hen t h is h ap p en ed ,
yo u f e lt a n gry b ecau se w hat? ”
“ I ju st t o ld y o u ,” h e e x cla im ed . “ I f e lt a n gry b ecau se th ey d id n’t r es pon d
to m y r e q u est!” B y e q u atin g s tim ulu s a n d c au se , h e had t r ic k ed h im se lf in to
t h in kin g t h at i t w as t h e b eh av io r o f t h e pris o n o ffi cia ls t h at w as m ak in g h im
a n gry. is is a n e a sy h ab it t o a cq u ir e in a c u lt u re th at u ses g u ilt a s a m ean s
of c o n tr o lli n g p eo p le . I n s u ch c u lt u res , it b eco m es i m porta n t t o t r ic k p eo p le
i n to t h in kin g t h at w e c a n m ake o th ers f e el a c e rta in w ay.
W here g u ilt is a ta ctic o f m an ip u la tio n an d co er cio n , it is u sef ul to
c o n fu se stim ulu s a n d c au se . A s m en tio n ed e arli er , c h ild ren w ho h ear, “It
h u rts M om my a n d D ad dy w hen y o u g et p oor g ra d es,” a re le d t o b eli e v e th at
th eir b eh av io r is th e cau se o f th ei r p aren ts ’ p ain . e sa m e dyn am ic is
o b se rv ed a m on g i n tim ate p artn ers : “ It r e a lly d is a p p oin ts m e w hen y o u ’r e not here fo r m y b ir th d ay.” e E ngli s h la n gu ag e fa cili t a te s t h e use of t h is g u ilt -
in du cin g t a ctic .
T o m otiv ate b y g u ilt , m ix u p s tim ulu s a n d c a u se .
W e s a y : “ Y ou m ak e m e a n gry.” “ Y ou h u rt m e b y d oin g th at.” “I fe el s a d
b ecau se y o u d id t h at.” W e u se o u r la n gu ag e in m an y d iff er en t w ay s to t r ic k
o u rs e lv es in to b eli e v in g th at o u r fe eli n gs res ult fr o m w hat o th er s d o. e
rst s te p in t h e p ro ce ss o f fu lly ex pres sin g o u r a n ger is to r e a li z e th at w hat
o th er p eo p le d o i s n ev er t h e c au se of h ow w e fe el.
e c a u se o f a n ger li e s in o u r t h in kin g— in t h ou gh ts o f
b la m e a n d j u dgm en t.
S o w hat is th e cau se o f an ger? In C hap te r 5 , w e d is c u ss e d th e fo u r
op tio n s w e h av e w hen c o n fr o n te d w it h a m ess a g e or b eh av io r t h at w e don’t
l i k e. A nger is g en era te d w hen w e ch oose th e se co n d o p tio n : w hen ev er w e
are a n gry, w e a re n din g fa u lt — we are ch oosin g to p la y G od b y ju dgin g o r
b la m in g t h e o th er p ers o n f o r b ein g w ro n g o r d es er vin g p u n is h m en t. I w ou ld
li k e to su ggest th at th is is th e c au se of a n ger. E ven if w e are not in it ia lly
c o n sc io u s o f i t , t h e c au se o f a n ger i s l o cate d i n o u r o w n t h in kin g.
e th ir d op tio n desc rib ed in C hap te r 5 is to sh in e th e li g h t of
co n sc io u sn ess o n o u r o w n fe eli n gs a n d n eed s. R ath er t h an g o in g u p to o u r
hea d to m ak e a m en ta l an aly sis o f w ro n gn es s reg ard in g so m eb o d y, w e
ch oose to co n nec t to th e li f e th at is w it h in u s. is li f e en er gy is m ost
p alp ab le a n d a cce ss ib le w hen w e fo cu s o n w hat w e need i n e a ch m om en t.
F or e x am ple , if s o m eo n e a rriv es la te fo r a n a p p oin tm en t a n d w e need
re a ssu ra n ce t h at s h e c a re s a b ou t u s, w e m ay f e el h u rt. I f, i n ste a d , o u r n eed i s
t o s p en d t im e p u rp ose fu lly a n d c o n str u ctiv ely , w e m ay f e el f r u str a te d . B ut i f
o u r n eed is fo r th ir ty m in ute s o f q u iet s o li t u de, w e m ay b e gra tef ul fo r h er
ta rd in ess a n d fe el p le a se d . us, it is n ot th e beh av io r o f th e oth er p er so n
bu t o u r o w n n eed th at c au se s o u r fe eli n g. W hen w e a re co n necte d to o u r
n eed , w heth er it is fo r re a ssu ra n ce, p u rp osef uln es s, o r so li t u de, w e are in
t o u ch w it h o u r li f e e n erg y. W e m ay h av e str o n g fe eli n gs, b u t w e are nev er an gry. A nger is a r e su lt o f li f e -a li en atin g t h in kin g t h at is d is c o n necte d f r o m
n eed s. I t in dic ate s t h at w e h av e m oved u p t o o u r h ea d t o a n aly ze an d ju dge
so m eb o d y r a th er t h an f o cu s o n w hic h o f o u r n eed s a re not g ett in g m et.
In ad dit io n to th e th ir d o p tio n o f fo cu sin g o n o u r o w n n eed s an d
fe eli n gs, t h e c h oic e i s o u rs a t a n y m om en t t o s h in e th e li g h t o f c o n sc io u sn ess
o n th e oth er p ers o n’s fe eli n gs an d n eed s. W hen w e ch oose th is fo u rth
o p tio n , w e a ls o n ev er f e el a n ger. W e are not r ep res sin g t h e an ger; w e se e how
an ger is s im ply a b se n t in e a ch m om en t th at w e a re fu lly p res en t w it h th e
oth er p ers o n’s f e eli n gs a n d n eed s. All A nger H as a L if e -S er v in g C ore
“B ut,” I a m a sk ed , “a re n ’t th ere cir c u m sta n ce s in w hic h a n ger is ju sti ed ?
Is n ’t ‘r ig h te o u s in dig n atio n’ ca lle d fo r in th e fa ce of ca re les s, th ou gh tles s
pollu tio n o f th e e n vir o n m en t, fo r e x am ple? ” M y a n sw er is th at I str o n gly
b eli e v e th at to w hate v er d eg re e I su pp ort th e co n sc io u sn ess th at th er e is
s u ch a th in g a s a “c a re le ss a ctio n” o r a “c o n sc ien tio u s a ctio n ,” a “g re ed y
p ers o n” o r a “ m ora l p ers o n ,” I a m c o n tr ib u tin g to v io len ce o n th is p la n et .
Rath er th an a g re ein g o r d is a g re ein g a b ou t w hat p eo p le a re fo r m urd erin g,
ra p in g, or p ollu tin g th e en vir o n m en t, I beli e v e we ser ve li f e bet ter by
fo cu sin g a tt e n tio n o n w hat w e a re n eed in g.
W hen w e j u dge o th ers, w e c o n tr ib u te t o vio le n ce .
I s e e a ll a n ger a s a r e su lt o f li f e -a li en atin g, v io len ce -p ro vo kin g t h in kin g.
A t t h e c o re o f a ll a n ger i s a n eed t h at i s n ot b ei ng f u l lle d . us a n ger c a n b e
valu ab le if w e u se it a s a n a la rm c lo ck to w ak e us u p — to r e a li z e we hav e a
need th at is n ’t b ein g m et a n d th at w e a re th in kin g in a w ay th at m ak es it
u n li k ely t o b e m et. T o f u lly e x p res s a n ger r e q u ir es f u ll c o n sc io u sn es s o f o u r
n eed . In a d dit io n , e n erg y is r e q u ir e d to g et th e need m et. A nger , h ow ev er ,
co -o p ts o u r en erg y b y d ir e c tin g it to w ard p u n is h in g p eo p le ra th er th an
m eetin g ou r need s. In ste a d of en gag in g in “r ig h te o u s in dig n atio n ,” I
re co m men d c o n nec tin g e m path ic a lly w it h o u r o w n n eed s o r t h ose of o th er s.
is m ay ta k e ex te n siv e pra ctic e, w her eb y over an d over ag ain , w e
co n sc io u sly re p la ce th e p h ra se “ I a m a n gry b ecau se th ey … ” w it h “ I a m
a n gry b eca u se I a m n eed in g … ”
U se a n ger a s a w ak e-u p c a ll.
I o n ce w as t a u gh t a r e m ark ab le les so n w hile w ork in g w it h s tu den ts in a
c o rre c tio n al s c h ool f o r c h ild re n i n W is c o n sin . O n t w o su cce ss iv e d ay s I w as
h it o n t h e n ose i n r e m ark ab ly s im ila r w ay s. e rst t im e, I r e ce iv ed a s h arp
b lo w a cro ss t h e n ose f r o m a n e lb ow w hile i n ter ce d in g i n a gh t b et ween t w o stu den ts . I w as s o e n ra g ed it w as a ll I c o u ld d o to k eep m yse lf f r o m h it t in g
back . (O n th e str e ets o f D etr o it w her e I g re w u p, it to ok fa r les s th an a n
elb ow i n t h e n ose t o p ro vo ke m e t o r a g e.) e se co n d d ay : s im ila r s it u atio n ,
sa m e n ose — an d t h u s m ore p hysic a l p ain — bu t n ot a b it o f a n ger!
A nger co -o p ts ou r en erg y by div ertin g it to w ard
p u n it iv e a ctio n s.
R e ec tin g d eep ly th at e v en in g o n th is ex per ien ce, I re co gn iz e d h ow I
h ad la b ele d t h e rst c h ild in m y m in d a s a “ s p oile d b ra t.” at im ag e was in
m y h ea d b efo re h is e lb ow e v er c au gh t m y n ose , a n d w hen it d id , it w as n o
lo n ger s im ply a n e lb ow h it t in g m y n ose . I t w as: “ at o bn oxio u s b ra t h as n o
rig h t t o d o t h is !” I h ad a n oth er ju dgm en t a b ou t t h e se co n d c h ild ; I s a w h im
a s a “ p ath etic c re atu re .” S in ce I h ad a ten den cy to w orr y a b ou t th is c h ild ,
ev en th ou gh m y n ose w as h u rtin g a n d b le ed in g m uch m ore se v er ely , th e
se co n d d ay I fe lt n o r a g e a t a ll. I c o u ld n ot h av e re ce iv ed a m ore pow er fu l
le ss o n t o h elp m e s e e t h at i t ’s n ot w hat t h e oth er p er so n d oes , b u t t h e im ag es
an d i n te rp re ta tio n s i n m y o w n h ea d t h at p ro du ce m y a n ger. Stim ulu s v ersu s C au se : P ra ctic a l I m pli c a tio n s
I e m ph asiz e th e d is tin ctio n b etw een c au se an d stim ulu s o n p ra ctic a l a n d
ta ctic a l a s w ell a s o n p h ilo so p h ic a l g ro u n ds. I ’d l i k e to i llu str a te t h is p oin t b y
re tu rn in g t o m y d ia lo gu e w it h J o h n , t h e Sw ed is h p ris o n er:
Jo h n : re e w eek s a g o I m ad e a r e q u es t to t h e pris o n o ffi cia ls a n d t h ey
still h av en ’t r e sp on ded t o m y r e q u es t.
M BR : So w hen t h is h ap p en ed , y o u f e lt a n gry b ecau se w hat?
J o h n : I j u st t o ld y o u . ey d id n’t r e sp on d t o m y r e q u es t!
M BR : H old i t . I n ste a d o f s a y in g, “ I f e lt a n gry b ecau se th ey … ,” s to p a n d
beco m e c o n sc io u s o f w hat y o u ’r e t e lli n g y o u rs e lf t h at’s m ak in g y o u
so a n gry.
Jo h n : I’m n ot t e lli n g m yse lf a n yth in g.
M BR : Sto p, s lo w d ow n, j u st l i s te n t o w hat’s g o in g o n i n sid e.
Jo h n : (a er s ile n tly r e fl ectin g) I ’m t e lli n g m yse lf t h at t h ey h av e n o r es pect
fo r h u m an b ein gs; t h ey a re a b u n ch o f c o ld , f a celes s b u re au cra ts
w ho d on’t g iv e a d am n a b ou t a n yb o d y b u t t h em se lv es ! ey ’r e a
re a l b u n ch o f …
M BR : an ks, t h at’s e n ou gh . N ow y o u k n ow w hy y o u ’r e an gry — it ’s t h at
k in d o f t h in kin g.
Jo h n : B ut w hat’s w ro n g w it h t h in kin g t h at w ay ?
M BR : I’m n ot s a y in g t h ere i s a n yth in g w ro n g w it h t h in kin g t h at w ay.
N otic e i f I s a y t h ere i s s o m eth in g w ro n g w it h y o u f o r t h in kin g t h at
w ay, I ’d b e t h in kin g t h e s a m e w ay a b ou t y o u . I d on’t s a y i t ’s w ro n g t o
ju dge p eo p le , t o c a ll t h em f a cele ss b u re au cra ts o r t o l a b el t h ei r
actio n s i n co n sid era te o r s e l sh . H ow ev er , i t ’s t h at k in d o f t h in kin g
on y o u r p art t h at m ak es y o u f e el v er y a n gry. F o cu s y o u r a tt en tio n
on y o u r n eed s: w hat a re y o u r n eed s i n t h is s it u atio n ?
Jo h n : (a er a l o n g s ile n ce) M arsh all, I n eed t h e t r a in in g I w as r e q u es tin g.
If I d on’t g et t h at t r a in in g, a s s u re as I ’m s it t in g h er e, I ’m g o n na en d
up b ack i n t h is p ris o n w hen I g et o u t.
M BR : N ow t h at y o u r a tt e n tio n i s o n y o u r n eed s, h ow d o y o u f e el? J o h n : Sca re d .
M BR : N ow p u t y o u rs e lf i n t h e s h oes o f a p ris o n o ffi cia l. I f I ’m a n i n m ate ,
a m I m ore l i k ely t o g et m y n eed s m et i f I c o m e to y o u s a y in g, “ H ey,
I r e a lly n eed t h at t r a in in g a n d I ’m s c a re d o f w hat’s g o in g t o h ap p en
if I d on’t g et i t ,” o r i f I a p pro ach w hile s e ei ng y o u a s a f a celes s
bu re au cra t? E ven i f I d on’t s a y t h ose w ord s o u t l o u d, m y e y es w ill
r e v ea l t h at k in d o f t h in kin g. W hic h w ay a m I m ore li k ely t o g et m y
need s m et? (Jo h n s ta re s a t t h e floor a n d r e m ain s s ile n t.)
M BR : H ey, b u ddy, w hat’s g o in g o n ?
Jo h n : C an ’t t a lk a b ou t i t .
W hen w e b eco m e a w are o f o u r n eed s, a n ger g iv es w ay t o
li f e -s e r v in g f e eli n gs.
re e h ou rs la te r, Jo h n a p pro ach ed m e an d s a id , “ M arsh all, I w is h y o u
h ad ta u gh t m e tw o y ears a g o w hat y o u ta u gh t m e th is m orn in g. I w ou ld n’t
h av e h ad t o k ill m y b est f r ie n d.”
V io le n ce c o m es f r o m t h e b eli e f t h at o th er p eo p le c a u se
o u r p ain a n d t h ere fo re d ese r v e p u n is h m en t.
A ll v io le n ce i s t h e r e su lt o f p eo p le t r ic k in g t h em se lv es , a s d id t h is y o u n g
m an , in to b eli e v in g th at th eir p ain d er iv es fr o m o th er p eo p le an d th at
c o n se q u en tly t h ose p eo p le d ese rv e to b e pu n is h ed .
O ne tim e I s a w m y y o u n ger s o n ta k e a y-c en t p ie ce fr o m h is s is ter ’s
r o om . I s a id , “ B re tt , d id y o u a sk y o u r s is ter w het her y o u c o u ld h av e th at? ” “ I
d id n’t t a k e it f r o m h er,” h e a n sw er ed . N ow I fa ce d m y fo u r o p tio n s. I c o u ld
h av e ca lle d h im a li a r, w hic h w ou ld , h ow ev er , h av e work ed ag ain st m y
gett in g m y n eed s m et s in ce a n y ju dgm en t o f a n oth er p er so n d im in is h es t h e
li k eli h ood o f o u r n eed s b ein g m et. W her e I fo cu se d m y a tt en tio n a t th at
m om en t w as c rit ic a l. I f I w ere t o ju dge h im a li a r, it w ou ld p oin t m e in o n e
dir e c tio n . I f I w ere t o t h in k t h at h e did n’t r es pect m e e n ou gh t o t e ll m e th e
tr u th , I w ou ld b e p oin te d in a n oth er d ir e ctio n . I f, h ow ev er , I w er e eith er t o em path iz e w it h h im a t t h at m om en t, o r e x p res s n ak ed ly w hat I w as fe eli n g
an d n eed in g, I w ou ld g re atly in cre a se th e poss ib ili t y o f g ett in g m y n eed s
m et.
W e r e ca ll f o u r o p tio n s w hen h ea rin g a d iffi cu lt m ess a g e:
1 . B la m e o u rse lv es
2 . B la m e o th ers
3 . S en se o u r o w n f e eli n gs a n d n eed s
4. S en se o th ers’ f e eli n gs a n d n eed s
e w ay I e x p re ss e d m y c h oic e — whic h i n t h is s it u atio n t u rn ed o u t t o b e
h elp fu l— was n ot so m uch th ro u gh w hat I sa id , b u t th ro u gh w hat I d id .
In ste a d o f j u dgin g h im a s l y in g, I t r ie d t o h ear h is f e eli n g: h e w as s c a re d , a n d
his n eed w as to p ro te c t h im se lf fr o m b ei ng p u n is h ed . B y e m path iz in g w it h
h im , I h ad a c h an ce o f m ak in g a n e m otio n al c o n nectio n o u t o f w hic h w e
co u ld b oth g et o u r n eed s m et. H ow ev er , if I h ad a p pro ach ed h im w it h th e
vie w th at h e w as ly in g— ev en if I h ad n’t e x p res se d it o u t lo u d— he wou ld
h av e b een le ss li k ely t o fe el s a fe ex pres sin g t r u th fu lly w hat h ad h ap p en ed . I
w ou ld h av e th en b eco m e p art o f th e pro ce ss : b y th e ver y a ct o f ju dgin g
an oth er p ers o n a s a l i a r, I w ou ld c o n tr ib u te to a s e lf - fu l lli n g p ro p h ec y. W hy
w ou ld p eo p le w an t to te ll th e tr u th , k n ow in g th ey w ill b e ju dged an d
pu n is h ed f o r d oin g s o ?
Ju dgm en ts of oth ers co n tr ib u te to se lf - fu lfi lli n g
pro p h ecie s.
I w ou ld li k e to s u ggest th at w hen o u r h ea d s a re lle d w it h ju dgm en ts
a n d an aly se s th at oth ers are bad , gre ed y, ir res pon sib le , ly in g, ch eatin g,
p ollu tin g th e en vir o n m en t, v alu in g p ro t m ore th an li f e , o r b eh av in g in
o th er w ay s t h ey s h ou ld n’t , v ery f e w o f t h em w ill b e in ter es te d in o u r n eed s.
If w e w an t to p ro te c t th e e n vir o n m en t, a n d w e g o to a c o rp ora te ex ecu tiv e
w it h th e a tt it u de, “ Y ou k n ow , y o u a re re a lly a k iller o f th e pla n et , y o u h av e
n o rig h t to ab u se th e la n d in th is w ay,” w e hav e se v er ely im pair e d o u r ch an ce s o f g ett in g o u r n eed s m et. I t i s a r a re hu m an b ei ng w ho c a n m ain ta in
f o cu s o n o u r n eed s w hen w e a re ex p res sin g th em th ro u gh im ag es o f th ei r
wro n gn ess . O f c o u rs e , w e m ay b e su cces sfu l in u sin g su ch ju dgm en ts to
in tim id ate p eo p le in to m eetin g o u r n eed s. I f th ey fe el s o fr ig h ten ed , g u ilt y ,
o r a sh am ed t h at t h ey c h an ge t h eir b eh av io r, w e m ay c o m e to b eli e v e th at it
i s p oss ib le t o “ w in ” b y t e lli n g p eo p le w hat’s w ro n g w it h t h em .
Wit h a b ro ad er p ersp ec tiv e, h ow ev er , w e re a li z e t h at e a ch t im e ou r n eed s
are m et in t h is w ay, w e n ot o n ly lo se , b u t w e hav e co n tr ib u te d v er y t a n gib ly
t o v io le n ce o n th e p la n et. W e m ay h av e so lv ed a n im med ia te p ro blem , b u t
w e w ill hav e cre ate d an oth er on e. e more peo p le hear bla m e an d
ju dgm en t, t h e m ore d efe n siv e a n d a g gres siv e th ey b eco m e an d t h e les s t h ey
w ill c a re a b ou t o u r n eed s i n t h e f u tu re . S o e v en i f o u r p res en t n eed i s m et i n
t h e s e n se t h at p eo p le d o w hat w e w an t, w e w ill p ay f o r i t l a te r. Fou r S te p s t o E xp re ssin g A nger
L et’s lo ok a t w hat t h e p ro ce ss o f f u lly ex pres sin g o u r a n ger a ctu ally r e q u ir es
in c o n cre te fo rm . e rst s te p is t o s to p a n d d o n oth in g ex ce p t t o b re ath e.
W e r e fr a in f r o m m ak in g a n y m ove to b la m e or p u n is h t h e oth er p er so n . W e
sim ply s ta y q u ie t. en w e id en tif y th e th ou gh ts th at a re m ak in g u s a n gry.
F or e x am ple , w e o verh ear a s ta te m en t t h at l e a d s u s t o b eli e v e th at w e’v e been
ex clu ded fr o m a c o n vers a tio n b ecau se of ra ce. W e sen se an ger, sto p, a n d
re co gn iz e t h e t h ou gh ts s tir rin g in o u r h ea d : “ It’s u n fa ir t o a ct li k e th at. S h e’s
b ein g r a cis t.” W e k n ow t h at a ll ju dgm en ts l i k e th es e are tr a g ic e x p res sio n s o f
u n m et n eed s, so w e ta k e th e n ex t ste p a n d c o n nect to th e nee d s b eh in d
th ose th ou gh ts . If w e ju dge so m eo n e to b e ra cis t, th e need m ay b e fo r
in clu sio n , e q u ali t y , r e sp ec t, o r c o n nectio n .
S te p s t o e x p re ssin g a n ger:
1 . S to p . B re a th e.
2 . I d en tif y o u r j u dgm en ta l t h ou gh ts .
3 . C on nect w it h o u r n eed s.
4 . E xp re ss o u r f e eli n gs a n d u n m et n eed s.
T o f u lly e x p re ss o u rs e lv es, w e n ow o p en o u r m ou th a n d s p ea k t h e an ger
— bu t th e an ger h as been tr a n sfo rm ed in to n eed s an d n eed -c o n necte d
fe eli n gs. T o a rtic u la te t h ese f e eli n gs m ay r e q u ir e a lo t o f c o u ra g e. F or m e it ’s
e a sy to g et a n gry a n d te ll p eo p le , “ at w as a r a cis t th in g to d o!” I n fa ct, I
m ay e v en e n jo y s a y in g s u ch th in gs, b u t to g et d ow n to th e deep er fe eli n gs
an d n eed s b eh in d s u ch a s ta te m en t m ay b e ver y f r ig h ten in g. T o f u lly ex pres s
ou r a n ger, w e m ay s a y t o t h e o th er p er so n , “ W hen y o u en ter ed t h e ro om a n d
sta rte d ta lk in g to th e o th ers a n d d id n’t s a y a n yth in g to m e, a n d th en m ad e
th e c o m men t a b ou t w hit e p eo p le , I f e lt r e a lly s ic k t o m y s to m ach , a n d g o t s o
sc a re d ; i t t r ig gere d o ff a ll k in ds o f n eed s o n m y p art t o b e tr e ate d e q u ally . I ’d
l i k e y o u t o t e ll m e h ow y o u f e el w hen I t e ll y o u t h is .” Offerin g E m path y F ir st
In m ost ca se s, h ow ev er, an oth er step n eed s to ta k e pla ce bef ore we ca n
ex p ec t t h e o th er p arty t o c o n nec t w it h w hat i s g o in g o n i n u s. B ecau se it w ill
o en be d iffi cu lt fo r oth ers to re ce iv e ou r fe eli n gs an d n eed s in su ch
sit u atio n s, i f w e w an t t h em t o h ear u s w e w ou ld n eed rst t o e m path iz e w it h
t h em . e m ore w e e m path iz e w it h w hat le a d s t h em to b eh av e in t h e way s
th at a re n ot m eetin g o u r n eed s, t h e m ore li k ely it is t h at t h ey w ill b e ab le to
r e cip ro cate a erw ard s.
O ver t h e la st t h ir ty y ears I ’v e h ad a w ea lt h o f e x p er ien ce s p ea k in g N VC
w it h p eo p le w ho h arb or str o n g beli ef s ab ou t sp eci c ra ces an d et hn ic
g ro u p s. E arly o n e m orn in g I w as p ic k ed u p b y a c a b a t a n a ir p ort t o t a k e m e
in to t o w n. A m ess a g e f r o m t h e d is p atc h er c a m e over t h e lo u dsp ea k er f o r t h e
ca b bie : “ P ic k u p M r. F is h m an a t th e sy n ag o gu e on M ain S tr e et .” e m an
n ex t t o m e i n t h e c a b m utt e re d , “ ese kik es g et u p e arly i n t h e m orn in g s o
th ey c a n s c re w e v ery b o d y o u t o f t h ei r m on ey.”
e m ore w e h ea r t h em , t h e m ore t h ey ’l l h ea r u s.
F or tw en ty s e co n ds, th ere w as s m oke co m in g o u t o f m y e ars . I n e arli er
y ears , m y rst r e a ctio n w ou ld h av e been to w an t to p hysic a lly h u rt s u ch a
p ers o n . In ste a d I to ok a fe w d eep bre ath s an d th en gav e myse lf so m e
em path y f o r t h e h u rt, f e ar, a n d r a g e t h at w er e stir rin g in sid e m e. I a tt en ded
to m y fe eli n gs. I sta y ed c o n sc io u s th at m y a n ger w asn ’t c o m in g fr o m m y
fe llo w p ass e n ger n or th e sta te m en t h e had ju st m ad e. H is c o m men t h ad
tr ig gere d o ff a v o lc a n o i n sid e o f m e, b u t I k n ew t h at m y a n ger a n d p ro fo u n d
fe ar c a m e fr o m a fa r d eep er s o u rc e t h an t h ose word s h e had ju st u tt er ed . I
s a t b ack a n d s im ply a llo w ed th e v io len t th ou gh ts to p la y th em se lv es o u t. I
e v en e n jo yed t h e i m ag e o f a ctu ally g ra b bin g h is h ea d a n d s m ash in g i t .
G iv in g m yse lf th is e m path y e n ab le d m e to th en fo cu s m y a tt en tio n o n
th e h u m an ness b eh in d h is m ess a g e, a er w hic h th e rst w ord s o u t o f m y
m ou th w ere , “ A re y o u f e eli n g … ? ” I t r ie d t o em path iz e w it h h im , t o h ear h is
p ain . W hy? B ecau se I w an te d t o s e e th e beau ty i n h im , a n d I w an te d f o r h im
t o fu lly a p pre h en d w hat I h ad ex per ien ce d w hen h e mad e h is rem ark . I kn ew I w ou ld n’t re ce iv e th at k in d o f u n dersta n din g if th er e wer e a sto rm
b re w in g in sid e o f h im . M y in te n tio n w as to c o n nect w it h h im a n d s h ow a
r e sp ec tfu l e m path y f o r t h e li f e e n er gy i n h im t h at w as b eh in d t h e co m men t.
M y e x p erie n ce to ld m e th at if I w er e ab le to em path iz e, th en h e wou ld b e
ab le t o h ear m e i n r e tu rn . I t w ou ld n ot b e ea sy , b u t h e w ou ld b e ab le to .
S ta y c o n sc io u s o f t h e v io le n t t h ou gh ts t h at a ris e in o u r
m in ds, w it h ou t j u dgin g t h em .
“A re y o u f e eli n g f r u str a te d ?” I a sk ed . “ It a p p ears t h at y o u m ig h t h av e had
so m e b ad e x p erie n ce s w it h J e w is h p eo p le .”
H e e y ed m e f o r a m om en t. “ Y ea h ! ese peo p le are dis g u stin g. ey ’l l d o
an yth in g f o r m on ey.”
“ Y ou f e el d is tr u st a n d t h e n eed t o p ro te ct y o u rs e lf w hen y o u ’r e in vo lv ed
in n an cia l a ff air s w it h t h em ?”
“ at’s r ig h t!” h e e x cla im ed , c o n tin u in g t o r e le a se m ore ju dgm en ts , a s I
li s te n ed fo r th e fe eli n g an d n ee d b eh in d ea ch o n e. W hen w e set tle ou r
att e n tio n o n o th er p eo p le ’s fe eli n gs a n d n eed s, w e ex p er ien ce o u r c o m mon
h u m an it y . W hen I h ear th at h e’s sc a re d an d w an ts to p ro te ct h im se lf , I
re co gn iz e h ow I a ls o h av e a n ee d t o p ro te ct m yse lf a n d I t o o k n ow w hat it ’s
l i k e to b e sc a re d . W hen m y c o n sc io u sn ess is fo cu se d o n a n oth er h u m an
b ein g’s fe eli n gs a n d n eed s, I s e e th e un iv er sa li t y o f o u r ex per ien ce. I h ad a
m ajo r c o n ic t w it h w hat w en t o n in h is h ea d , b u t I ’v e le arn ed th at I en jo y
h u m an b ein gs m ore if I d on’t h ear w hat th ey th in k. E sp ecia lly w it h fo lk s
w ho h av e h is k in d o f t h ou gh ts . I ’v e le arn ed t o s a v o r li f e m uch m ore by o n ly
h earin g w hat’s g o in g o n in th eir h earts a n d n ot g ett in g c au gh t u p w it h th e
stu ff i n t h eir h ea d s.
W hen w e h ea r a n oth er p erso n’s fe eli n gs a n d n eed s, w e
re co gn iz e o u r c o m mon h u m an it y .
is m an k ep t o n p ou rin g o u t h is s a d n es s a n d f r u str a tio n . B ef ore I k n ew
it , h e’d n is h ed w it h J e w s a n d m oved o n t o b la ck s. H e w as c h arg ed w it h p ain aro u n d a n u m ber o f s u bje c ts . A er n early ten m in utes o f m y ju st li s ten in g,
h e s to p p ed : h e h ad f e lt u n dersto od .
en I l e t h im k n ow w hat w as g o in g o n i n m e:
M BR : You k n ow , w hen y o u rst s ta rte d t o t a lk , I f e lt a l o t o f a n ger, a l o t o f
fr u str a tio n , s a d n ess , a n d d is c o u ra g em en t, b ecau se I’v e had v er y
diff ere n t e x p erie n ce s w it h J e w s t h an y o u ’v e had , a n d I w as w an tin g
yo u t o h av e m uch m ore t h e k in d o f ex per ien ce s I ’v e had . C an y o u
te ll m e w hat y o u h eard m e s a y ?
M an : O h, I ’m n ot s a y in g t h ey ’r e a ll …
M BR : Excu se m e, h old o n , h old i t . C an y o u t e ll m e w hat y o u h eard m e
sa y ?
M an : W hat a re y o u t a lk in g a b ou t?
M BR : Let m e r e p eat w hat I ’m t r y in g t o s a y. I r e a lly w an t y o u t o j u st h ear
th e p ain I f e lt w hen I h eard y o u r w ord s. I t’s r e a lly i m porta n t t o m e
th at y o u h ear t h at. I w as s a y in g I f e lt a r e a l s en se of s a d n es s b ecau se
m y e x p erie n ce s w it h J e w is h p eo p le hav e been v er y d iff er en t. I w as
ju st w is h in g t h at y o u h ad h ad s o m e ex per ien ce s t h at w er e diff er en t
fr o m t h e o n es y o u w ere d esc rib in g. C an y o u t e ll m e w hat y o u h eard
m e s a y ?
M an : You ’r e s a y in g I h av e n o r ig h t t o t a lk t h e w ay I d id .
M BR : N o, I w ou ld l i k e y o u t o h ear m e d iff er en tly . I r e a lly d on’t w an t t o
b la m e y o u . I h av e n o d esir e t o b la m e yo u .
O ur n eed i s f o r t h e o th er p erso n t o tr u ly h ea r o u r p ain .
I in te n ded to slo w d ow n th e c o n ver sa tio n , b ecau se in m y ex per ien ce, to
w hate v er d eg re e p eo p le h ear b la m e, t h ey h av e fa ile d t o h ear o u r p ain . I f t h is
m an sa id , “ ose w ere te rrib le th in gs fo r m e to sa y ; th ose wer e ra cis t
re m ark s I m ad e,” h e w ou ld n ot h av e heard m y p ain . A s s o on a s p eo p le th in k
th at th ey h av e d on e s o m eth in g w ro n g, th ey w ill n ot b e fu lly a p pre h en din g
ou r p ain . Peo p le d o n ot h ea r o u r p ain w hen t h ey b eli e v e t h ey a re
a t f a u lt .
I d idn ’t w an t h im to h ear b la m e, b ecau se I w an te d h im to k n ow w hat
h ad g o n e o n in m y h eart w hen h e utt er ed h is rem ark . B la m in g is ea sy .
P eo p le a re u se d to h earin g b la m e; so m etim es th ey a g re e wit h it a n d h ate
t h em se lv es— whic h d oesn ’t sto p th em fr o m b eh av in g th e sa m e way — an d
so m etim es th ey h ate u s fo r c a lli n g th em ra cis ts o r w hate v er — whic h a ls o
d oesn ’t s to p t h eir b eh av io r. I f w e s en se bla m e en ter in g t h ei r m in d, a s I d id i n
t h e c a b , w e m ay n eed t o s lo w d ow n, g o b ack , a n d h ear t h ei r p ain f o r a w hile
m ore . Tak in g O ur T im e
Pro b ab ly th e m ost im porta n t p art o f le arn in g h ow to li v e th e pro ces s w e
hav e b een d is c u ss in g is to ta k e ou r tim e. W e m ay fe el a w kw ard d ev ia tin g
fr o m th e h ab it u al b eh av io rs th at o u r c o n dit io n in g h as re n dere d a u to m atic ,
b u t if o u r in te n tio n is to c o n sc io u sly li v e li f e in h arm on y w it h o u r v alu es ,
th en w e’l l w an t t o t a k e o u r t im e.
A fr ie n d o f m in e, S am W illi a m s, jo tt e d d ow n th e basic c o m pon en ts o f
th e N VC p ro ce ss o n a th re e-b y- ve ca rd , w hic h h e wou ld u se as a c h eat
sh eet a t w ork . W hen h is b oss w ou ld c o n fr o n t h im , S am w ou ld s to p, r ef er t o
t h e c a rd in h is h an d, a n d ta k e tim e to r em ember h ow to r es pon d. W hen I
a sk ed w heth er h is c o lle a g u es w er e n din g h im a li t t le str a n ge, c o n sta n tly
s ta rin g in to h is h an d a n d ta k in g s o m uch tim e to fo rm h is s en ten ces , S am
re p li e d , “ It d oesn ’t a ctu ally t a k e t h at m uch m ore tim e, b u t e v en if it d id , it ’s
s till w orth it to m e. It’s im porta n t fo r m e to k n ow th at I a m r es pon din g to
p eo p le t h e w ay I r e a lly w an t to .” A t h om e h e was m ore over t, ex pla in in g to
h is w if e a n d c h ild re n w hy h e w as t a k in g t h e tim e an d t r o u ble to c o n su lt t h e
ca rd . W hen ev er t h ere w as a n a rg u m en t in t h e fa m ily , h e wou ld p u ll o u t t h e
ca rd a n d t a k e h is t im e. A er a b ou t a m on th , h e fe lt c o m fo rta b le en ou gh t o
p u t it aw ay. en o n e ev en in g, h e an d S co tt ie , ag e fo u r, w er e hav in g a
co n ic t over te le v is io n an d it w asn ’t go in g w ell. “D ad dy,” Sco tt ie sa id
u rg en tly , “ g et t h e c a rd !”
F or th ose of yo u w is h in g to ap p ly N VC, es pecia lly in ch allen gin g
sit u atio n s o f a n ger, I w ou ld s u gges t t h e fo llo w in g ex ercis e . A s w e hav e se en ,
ou r a n ger c o m es fr o m ju dgm en ts , la b els , a n d th ou gh ts o f b la m e, o f w hat
p eo p le “s h ou ld ” d o a n d w hat th ey “d es er ve.” L is t th e ju dgm en ts th at oat
m ost f r e q u en tly in y o u r h ea d b y u sin g t h e cu e, “ I d on’t li k e peo p le who a re
… ” C olle c t a ll s u ch n eg ativ e ju dgm en ts i n y o u r h ea d a n d t h en a sk y o u rs e lf ,
“ W hen I m ak e th at ju dgm en t o f a p er so n , w hat am I n eed in g an d n ot
gett in g?” I n t h is w ay, y o u t r a in y o u rs e lf to f r a m e yo u r t h in kin g in ter m s o f
u n m et n eed s r a th er t h an i n t e rm s o f j u dgm en ts o f o th er p eo p le .
P ra ctic e t r a n sla tin g e a ch j u dgm en t i n to a n u n m et n eed . Tak e y o u r t im e.
P ra ctic e is e ss e n tia l, b ecau se m ost o f u s w er e ra is e d , i f n ot o n t h e str e et s
of D etr o it , th en s o m ew here o n ly s li g h tly le ss v io len t. Ju dgin g a n d b la m in g
hav e b eco m e se co n d n atu re to u s. T o p ra ctic e N VC, w e n eed to p ro ce ed
slo w ly , t h in k c a re fu lly b efo re w e s p ea k , a n d o en j u st t a k e a d eep b re ath a n d
not s p ea k a t a ll. L earn in g t h e p ro ce ss a n d a p p ly in g i t b oth t a k e tim e. Su m mary
B la m in g a n d p u n is h in g o th ers a re su p er cia l ex pres sio n s o f a n ger . If w e
w is h t o f u lly e x p re ss a n ger, t h e rst s te p is t o d iv o rc e t h e oth er p er so n f r o m
an y r e sp on sib ili t y f o r o u r a n ger. I n ste a d w e sh in e th e li g h t o f c o n sc io u sn es s
on o u r o w n fe eli n gs a n d n eed s. B y e x p res sin g o u r n eed s, w e are fa r m ore
li k ely t o g et t h em m et t h an b y j u dgin g, b la m in g, o r p u n is h in g o th er s.
e fo u r s te p s t o e x p re ss in g a n ger a re (1 ) s to p a n d b re ath e, ( 2 ) id en tif y
o u r ju dgm en ta l th ou gh ts , ( 3 ) c o n nect w it h o u r n eed s, a n d ( 4 ) ex pres s o u r
fe eli n gs a n d u n m et n eed s. S o m etim es, in b et ween ste p s 3 a n d 4 , w e m ay
ch oose to e m path iz e w it h th e o th er p er so n s o th at h e or s h e will b e bet ter
a b le t o h ear u s w hen w e e x p re ss o u rs e lv es i n s tep 4 .
W e n eed t o t a k e o u r t im e b oth i n l e arn in g a n d i n a p p ly in g t h e pro ces s o f
N VC.
N VC i n A ctio n
Pare n t a n d T een D ia lo gu e: A L if e - re a te n in g I s su e
In th is sit u atio n , een -y ear- o ld B ill to ok a c a r, w it h ou t p er m is s io n ,
fr o m J o rg e, a f a m ily f r ie n d. H e w en t o n a j o y r id e w it h t w o f r ien ds a n d
re tu rn ed th e c a r u n dam ag ed to th e gara g e, w her e it s a b sen ce h ad n ot
b een d ete c te d . S in ce t h en , h ow ev er , J o rg e’s f o u rte en -y ear- o ld d au gh ter ,
Eva, w ho had go n e alo n g fo r th e rid e, to ld her fa th er w hat had
h ap p en ed . Jo rg e in fo rm ed B ill’s fa th er , w ho is n ow ap pro ach in g h is
s o n . e f a th er h as j u st r e ce n tly b een p ra ctic in g N VC.
Fath er: S o I h ear y o u , E va, a n d D av e t o ok J o rg e’s c a r w it h ou t a sk in g.
B ill: N o, w e d id n’t !
F ath er: (in a l o u d v o ic e) D on’t l i e t o m e; i t ’l l o n ly m ak e i t w ors e!
en h e r e m em bere d t o rst c o n nect t o h is o w n f e eli n gs a n d n eed s in
o rd er t o s ta y i n c o n nec tio n w it h h is s o n . Fath er: Y ou j u st s it t h ere f o r a m om en t; I n eed t o t h in k.
G oin g in sid e h im se lf , h e sa w h ow a n gry a n d sc a re d h e was. A ngry
w hen t e lli n g h im se lf , “ B ill s h ou ld h av e kn ow n b et ter !” a n d “ W hat a l i a r
h e’s b eco m e!” S ca re d w hen h e t h in ks o f a ll t h e poten tia l c o n se q u en ces
o f n ot o n ly B ill’s a ctio n , b u t h is o w n m is ju dgm en t o f w hat h is so n
m ig h t d o.
F ath er: (sile n tly t o h im se lf ) at w as s tu pid o f m e to a ssu m e he kn ow s
bette r. S om eo n e co u ld h ave go tte n k ille d i n t h is ! ( th en c a tc h in g
him se lf ) O op s, I n eed t o t r a n sla te th e la b els “ stu pid ” a n d “ li a r”
in to f e eli n gs a n d n eed s. F or “ stu pid ,” I g u ess t h e fe eli n g i s
d is a pp oin tm en t i n m yse lf : I w ou ld h ave li k ed t o t h in k t h at I
k n ew h im b ette r. A nd a s f o r “ li a r,” I ’m f e eli n g p re tt y s c a re d
b eca u se I w an t t o b e ab le to c o u nt o n g ettin g a cc u ra te
in fo rm atio n t o d ea l w it h t h is s it u atio n .
Fath er: (o u t l o u d, a er s ile n ce w hile he m ull s o ver h ow t o b eg in t a lk in g)
B ill, a re y o u w orrie d t h at y o u ’d b e pu n is h ed i f y o u g av e m e
acc u ra te i n fo rm atio n ?
B ill: Y ea h , y o u ’r e a lw ay s s o m ean w hen ev er I d o a n yth in g y o u d on’t
l i k e.
F ath er: A re y o u s a y in g y o u ’d l i k e m ore u n der sta n din g a n d f a ir er
tr e atm en t f o r w hat y o u d o?
B ill: O h, s u re , l i k e I ’m r e a lly g o n na g et f a ir t r e atm en t a n d
un dersta n din g f r o m y o u !
Fath er: (sile n tly t o h im se lf ) B oy, d o I g et a n gry w hen h e sa ys t h at! C an’t
h e se e how h ard I ’m t r y in g? I r e a lly n eed a l i t tle re sp ect f o r h ow
h ard t h is i s , a n d I g u ess a ls o a l i t tle ca rin g f o r h ow s c a re d I ’m
f e eli n g.
F ath er: (o u t l o u d t o B ill ) S o u n ds t o m e l i k e y o u ’r e w orrie d t h at n o
m att e r w hat y o u s a y, y o u w on’t b e tr e ate d f a ir ly ?
B ill: W hat d o y o u c a re a b ou t t r e atin g m e fa ir ly ? W hen s o m eth in g
hap p en s, y o u j u st w an t s o m eo n e to p u n is h . B es id es , w hat’s t h e big d ea l? E ven i f w e d id t a k e t h e c a r, n o o n e g o t h u rt a n d i t ’s
b ack w here i t w as. I m ean , t h is i s n o m ajo r c rim e w av e.
F ath er: A re y o u s c a re d t h ere ’l l b e h arsh c o n se q u en ce s i f y o u a d m it t o
t a k in g t h e c a r, a n d y o u w an t t o t r u st t h at y o u ’l l b e tr e ate d
ju stly ?
B ill: Y ea h .
Fath er: (a llo w in g t im e fo r s ile n ce an d t h e c o n n ectio n t o g o d ee p er) W hat
c o u ld I d o t o g iv e y o u t h at r e a ssu ra n ce ?
B ill: P ro m is e t o n ev er p u n is h m e a g ain .
Fath er: (A w are th at p u nis h m en t w ill n ot h elp B ill d ev elo p c o n sc io u sn ess
a ro u n d p ote n tia l c o n se q u en ce s o f h is b eh avio r, b u t w ill o n ly
c o n tr ib u te to g re a te r d is c o n n ectio n a n d r e sis ta n ce , B ill’s f a th er
e x p re ss e s w illi n gn ess t o a gre e to B ill’s r e q u est.) I ’d b e o p en t o
t h at a g re em en t i f y o u a g re e t o s ta y i n d ia lo gu e w it h m e. at
is , w e t a lk u ntil I ’m s a tis ed y o u ’r e aw are of a ll t h e poss ib le
c o n se q u en ce s o f y o u r h av in g t a k en t h at c a r. H ow ev er , i n t h e
fu tu re , i f i t h ap p en s t h at I ’m n ot c o n den t t h at y o u s e e th e
p ote n tia l d an ger o f w hat y o u ’r e i n f o r, I m ig h t s till u se fo rc e —
b u t o n ly i n o rd er t o p ro te c t y o u .
B ill: W ow , g re at! I t r e a lly f e els g o od k n ow in g I ’m s o s tu pid y o u
h av e t o u se f o rc e t o p ro te c t m e f r o m m yse lf !
F ath er: (lo sin g t o u ch w it h h is o w n n eed s, b u t s ile n tly ) M an , t h ere are
tim es w hen I c o u ld j u st k ill t h e li t tle … I’m s o f u rio u s w hen h e
sa ys t h in gs l i k e th at! I t r e a lly d oesn ’t s e e m l i k e he ca re s…. D am n,
w hat a m I n eed in g h ere? I ’m n eed in g t o k n ow , w hen I ’m w ork in g
th is h ard , t h at a t l e a st h e ca re s.)
F ath er: (o u t l o u d, a n grily ) Y ou k n ow , B ill, w hen y o u s a y t h in gs l i k e
th at, I g et r e a lly p is s e d o ff . I ’m t r y in g s o h ard t o s ta y w it h y o u
on t h is , a n d w hen I h ear t h in gs l i k e th at … L ook, I n eed t o
k n ow i f y o u e v en w an t t o k eep t a lk in g w it h m e.
B ill: I d on’t c a re .
F ath er: B ill, I r e a lly w an t t o l i s te n t o y o u r a th er t h an f a ll i n to m y o ld
h ab it s o f b la m in g a n d t h re ate n in g y o u w hen ev er s o m eth in g
co m es u p t h at I ’m u p se t a b ou t. B ut w hen I h ear y o u s a y t h in gs li k e, “ It f e els g o od t o k n ow I ’m s o s tu pid ,” i n t h e to n e o f v o ic e
y o u j u st u se d , I n d i t h ard t o c o n tr o l m yse lf . I c o u ld u se yo u r
help o n t h is . at i s , i f y o u w ou ld r a th er m e li s ten t o y o u t h an
b la m e o r t h re ate n . O r i f n ot, t h en , I s u pp ose m y o th er o p tio n
is t o j u st h an dle t h is t h e w ay I ’m u se d t o h an dli n g t h in gs.
B ill: A nd w hat w ou ld t h at b e?
F ath er: W ell, b y n ow , I ’d p ro b ab ly b e s a y in g, “ H ey, y o u ’r e gro u n ded f o r
tw o y ears : n o T V, n o c a r, n o m on ey, n o d ate s, n o n oth in g! ”
B ill: W ell, I g u ess I ’d w an t y o u t o d o i t t h e new w ay t h en .
Fath er: (w it h h u m or) I ’m g la d t o s e e t h at y o u r s e n se o f s e lf -
p re se rv atio n i s s till i n ta ct. N ow I n eed y o u t o t e ll m e w het her
yo u ’r e w illi n g t o s h are s o m e h on esty a n d v u ln er ab ili t y .
B ill: W hat d o y o u m ean b y “ v u ln era b ili t y ”?
F ath er: It m ean s t h at y o u t e ll m e w hat y o u a re re a lly f e eli n g a b ou t t h e
th in gs w e’r e t a lk in g a b ou t, a n d I t e ll y o u t h e sa m e fr o m m y
en d. ( in a fi rm v o ic e) A re y o u w illi n g?
B ill: O kay, I ’l l t r y.
F ath er: (w it h s ig h o f r e li e f) an k y o u . I ’m g ra te fu l f o r y o u r w illi n gn es s
to t r y. D id I t e ll y o u — Jo rg e g ro u n ded E va f o r t h re e m on th s—
sh e w on’t b e a llo w ed t o d o a n yth in g. H ow d o y o u f e el a b ou t
th at?
B ill: O h m an , w hat a b u m mer; t h at’s s o u n fa ir !
F ath er: I’d l i k e t o h ear h ow y o u r e a lly f e el a b ou t i t .
B ill: I t o ld y o u — it ’s t o ta lly u n fa ir !
F ath er: (r e a li z in g B ill i s n ’t i n t o u ch w it h w hat h e’s f e eli n g, d ecid es t o
g u ess ) A re y o u s a d t h at s h e’s h av in g t o p ay s o m uch f o r h er
m is ta k e?
B ill: N o, i t ’s n ot t h at. I m ean , i t w asn ’t h er m is ta k e re a lly .
F ath er: O h, s o a re y o u u p se t s h e’s p ay in g f o r s o m eth in g t h at w as y o u r
id ea t o s ta rt w it h ?
B ill: W ell, y ea h , s h e j u st w en t a lo n g w it h w hat I t o ld h er t o d o.
F ath er: S o u n ds t o m e l i k e y o u ’r e k in d o f h u rtin g i n sid e se ei ng t h e kin d of e ff ec t y o u r d ecis io n h ad o n E va.
B ill: S o rta .
F ath er: B illy , I r e a lly n eed t o k n ow t h at y o u a re ab le to s e e how y o u r
actio n s h av e c o n se q u en ce s.
B ill: W ell, I w asn ’t t h in kin g a b ou t w hat c o u ld ’v e go n e w ro n g. Y ea h ,
I g u ess I d id r e a lly s c re w u p b ad .
Fath er: I’d r a th er y o u s e e i t a s s o m eth in g y o u d id t h at d id n’t t u rn o u t
th e w ay y o u w an te d . A nd I s till n eed r e a ssu ra n ce a b ou t y o u r
bein g a w are o f t h e c o n se q u en ce s. W ou ld y o u t e ll m e w hat
y o u ’r e f e eli n g r ig h t n ow a b ou t w hat y o u d id ?
B ill: I f e el r e a lly s tu pid , D ad … . I d id n’t m ean t o h u rt a n yo n e.
F ath er: (tr a n sla tin g B ill’s s e lf - ju dgm en ts i n to f e eli n gs a n d n eed s) S o
yo u ’r e s a d , a n d r e g re t w hat y o u d id b ecau se yo u ’d l i k e t o b e
tr u ste d n ot t o d o h arm ?
Bill: Y ea h , I d id n’t m ean t o c au se s o m uch t r o u ble . I j u st d id n’t
t h in k a b ou t i t .
F ath er: A re y o u s a y in g y o u w is h y o u h ad t h ou gh t a b ou t i t m ore an d
go tt e n c le are r b efo re y o u a cte d ?
B ill: ( r e fl ectin g) Y ea h …
F ath er: W ell, i t ’s r e a ssu rin g f o r m e t o h ear t h at, a n d f o r t h er e to b e
so m e r e a l h ea li n g w it h J o rg e, I w ou ld l i k e y o u t o g o t o h im a n d
te ll h im w hat y o u j u st t o ld m e. W ou ld y o u b e w illi n g t o d o
th at?
B ill: O h m an , t h at’s s o s c a ry ; h e’l l b e r e a lly m ad !
Fath er: Y ea h , i t ’s l i k ely h e w ill b e. at’s o n e o f t h e co n se q u en ce s. A re
y o u w illi n g t o b e r e sp on sib le f o r y o u r a ctio n s? I l i k e J o rg e a n d
I w an t t o k eep h im f o r a f r ie n d, a n d I ’m g u es sin g t h at y o u
w ou ld l i k e t o k eep y o u r c o n nec tio n w it h E va. I s t h at t h e ca se?
B ill: S h e’s o n e o f m y b est f r ie n ds.
F ath er: S o s h all w e g o s e e t h em ?
Bill: ( fe a rfu lly a n d r e lu cta n tly ) W ell … o kay. Y ea h , I g u ess s o .
F ath er: A re y o u s c a re d a n d n eed in g t o k n ow t h at y o u w ill b e sa fe if
y o u g o t h ere ? Bill: Y ea h .
Fath er: W e’l l g o t o geth er: I ’l l b e t h ere f o r y o u a n d w it h y o u . I ’m r e a lly
p ro u d t h at y o u a re w illi n g. N
11
Con fl ic t R eso lu tio n a n d M ed ia tio n
ow th at yo u are fa m ili a r w it h th e ste p s in vo lv ed in N on vio len t
Com mun ic atio n , I w an t to a d d res s h ow to a p p ly th em in res olv in g
co n ic ts . ese c o u ld b e c o n ic ts b et ween y o u rs e lf a n d so m eo n e els e , o r
yo u m ay b e a sk ed to — or c h oose to — in vo lv e yo u rs e lf in a c o n ic t b et ween
o th ers : f a m ily m em bers , p artn ers , c o -w ork er s, o r e v en s tr a n gers in c o n ic t.
W hate v er t h e s it u atio n m ay b e, r es olv in g c o n ic ts i n vo lv es a ll t h e prin cip les
I o u tli n ed p re v io u sly in th is b o ok: o b ser vin g, id en tif y in g an d ex pres sin g
fe eli n gs, co n nec tin g fe eli n gs w it h n eed s, an d m ak in g d oab le re q u es ts o f
an oth er p ers o n u sin g c le ar, c o n cret e, p osit iv e actio n l a n gu ag e.
O ver th e co u rs e of se v era l deca d es , I’v e use d Non vio len t
Com mun ic atio n to re so lv e co n ic ts aro u n d th e world . I’v e met w it h
u n hap py c o u ple s, fa m ili e s, w ork er s a n d t h ei r e m plo yers , a n d e th n ic g ro u p s
at w ar w it h e a ch o th er. M y e x p er ien ce h as ta u gh t m e th at it ’s p oss ib le to
r e so lv e ju st a b ou t a n y c o n ic t t o e v er yb o d y’s s a tis fa ctio n . A ll it t a k es i s a lo t
of p atie n ce, th e w illi n gn ess to e sta b li s h a h u m an c o n nectio n , th e in ten tio n
to fo llo w N VC p rin cip le s u ntil y o u re a ch a res olu tio n , a n d tr u st th at th e
pro ce ss w ill w ork . Hum an C on nectio n
In N VC-s ty le c o n ic t r e so lu tio n , c re atin g a c o n nectio n b et ween t h e peo p le
w ho a re in c o n ic t is t h e m ost im porta n t t h in g. is is w hat e n ab le s a ll t h e
oth er ste p s o f N VC to w ork , b ecau se it ’s n ot u ntil y o u h av e fo rg ed th at
c o n nec tio n th at e a ch s id e w ill s e ek to k n ow ex actly w hat th e oth er s id e is
f e eli n g a n d n eed in g. e p artie s a ls o n eed to k n ow fr o m th e sta rt th at th e
obje c tiv e is n ot t o g et t h e o th er s id e t o d o w hat t h ey w an t t h em t o d o. A nd
on ce th e tw o s id es u n dersta n d th at, it b eco m es p oss ib le— so m etim es e v en
ea sy — to h av e a c o n vers a tio n a b ou t h ow t o m eet t h ei r n eed s.
C re a tin g a co n nectio n betw een peo p le is th e m ost
im porta n t t h in g.
W it h N VC, w e’r e tr y in g to li v e a d iff er en t v alu e sy stem w hile w e are
a sk in g f o r t h in gs t o c h an ge. W hat’s m ost i m porta n t i s t h at e v er y c o n nectio n
alo n g th e li n e m ir ro rs th e k in d o f w orld w e’r e tr y in g to c re ate . E ach step
n eed s t o r e ec t e n erg etic a lly w hat w e’r e a er , w hic h is a h olo gra p h ic im ag e
o f t h e q u ali t y o f r e la tio n sh ip s w e’r e tr y in g t o c re ate . I n s h ort, h ow w e ask f o r
ch an ge r e ec ts th e v alu e s y ste m w e’r e tr y in g to s u pp ort. W hen w e se e th e
diff ere n ce b etw een t h ese t w o o bje ctiv es , w e co n sc io u sly r ef ra in f r o m t r y in g
to g et a p ers o n t o d o w hat w e w an t. I n ste a d w e w ork t o c re ate t h at q u ali t y o f
m utu al c o n ce rn a n d r e sp ec t w here ea ch p arty t h in ks t h ei r o w n n eed s m att er
a n d t h ey a re c o n sc io u s t h at t h eir n eed s a n d t h e oth er p er so n’s w ell- b ei ng a re
in te rd ep en den t. W hen th at hap p en s, it ’s am azin g how co n ic ts th at
o th erw is e s e em i r re so lv ab le a re e a sily r es olv ed .
W hen I ’m a sk ed t o r e so lv e a c o n ic t, I w ork t o le a d t h e tw o s id es t o t h is
c a rin g a n d r e sp ec tfu l c o n nec tio n . is is o en t h e to u gh p art. O nce th at is
a cco m pli s h ed , I h elp b oth s id es c re ate s tr a te g ies t h at w ill r es olv e th e co n ic t
to b oth s id es’ s a tis fa ctio n .
N otic e th at I u se th e w ord sa tis fa ctio n in ste a d o f c o m pro m is e! M ost
a tt e m pts a t r e so lu tio n s e arc h f o r c o m pro m is e , w hic h m ean s e v er yb o d y g iv es
so m eth in g u p a n d n eit h er s id e is s a tis ed . N VC is d iff er en t; o u r o bje ctiv e is
t o m eet e v ery o n e’s n eed s f u lly . NVC C on fl ic t R eso lu tio n v ersu s T ra d it io n al M ed ia tio n
Let’s c o n sid er t h e h u m an c o n nec tio n a sp ect o f N VC a g ain , t h is t im e lo okin g
at t h ir d -p arty m ed ia tio n — a p ers o n s te p pin g i n t o r es olv e a c o n ic t b et ween
tw o o th er p artie s. W hen I ’m w ork in g w it h tw o p eo p le , o r tw o g ro u p s, th at
h av e a co n ic t th ey h av en ’t b een ab le to re so lv e, I ap pro ach th is ver y
diff ere n tly f r o m t h e w ay p ro fe ss io n al m ed ia to rs o en a p pro ach a c o n ic t.
F or e x am ple , o n ce I w as i n A ustr ia m eet in g w it h a g ro u p o f p ro fes sio n al
m ed ia to rs w ho w ork o n m an y k in ds o f in ter natio n al co n ic ts , in clu din g
th ose b etw een u n io n s a n d m an ag em ent. I d es crib ed s e v er al c o n ic ts I h ad
m ed ia te d , su ch as on e in C ali f o rn ia bet ween la n dow ners an d m ig ra n t
w ork ers w here t h ere h ad b een c o n sid er ab le physic a l v io len ce. A nd I t a lk ed
a b ou t m ed ia tin g b etw een tw o A fr ic a n tr ib es (w hic h I d is c u ss fu lly in m y
bo ok Sp ea k Pea ce in a W orld of C on flic t) an d a fe w oth er ex tr e m ely
e n tr e n ch ed , d an gero u s c o n ic ts .
I w as a sk ed h ow m uch tim e I g iv e m yse lf to s tu dy a s it u atio n I w as to
m ed ia te . H e w as re fe rrin g to th e pro ce ss m ost m ed ia to rs u se: ed u catin g
th em se lv es a b ou t t h e i s su es i n vo lv ed i n t h e co n ic t a n d t h en m ed ia tin g w it h
th ose is su es a s t h e f o cu s i n ste a d o f f o cu sin g o n c re atin g a h u m an c o n nectio n .
In f a ct, i n t y p ic a l t h ir d -p arty m ed ia tio n , t h e co n ic tin g p arties m ay n ot e v en
b e in t h e s a m e r o om . O nce, a s a p artic ip an t in m ed ia tio n , o u r p arty w as in
o n e ro om an d th e o th er p arty w as in an oth er ro om , w it h th e med ia to r
tr a v eli n g b ack a n d fo rth b etw een ro om s. H e’d a sk u s, “ W hat d o y o u w an t
th em to d o?” a n d h e’d ta k e th at b ack to th e oth er s id e an d s e e if th ey w er e
willi n g t o d o it . en h e w ou ld c o m e b ack a n d s a y, “ ey ’r e unw illi n g t o d o
th at, b u t h ow a b ou t t h is ? ”
M an y m ed ia to rs d e n e th eir r o le as a “ th ir d h ea d ” tr y in g to th in k o f a
w ay t o g et e v ery b o d y t o c o m e t o a n a g re em ent. ey a re not a t a ll c o n cer ned
w it h cre atin g a q u ali t y o f co n nectio n , th u s o ver lo okin g th e on ly co n ic t
re so lu tio n to ol I h av e e v er k n ow n to w ork . W hen I d esc rib ed th e NVC
m eth od a n d th e ro le o f h u m an c o n nectio n , o n e of th e partic ip an ts a t th e
A ustr ia m eetin g r a is e d t h e o bje c tio n t h at I w as t a lk in g a b ou t p sy ch oth er ap y,
a n d t h at m ed ia to rs w ere n ot p sy ch oth er ap is ts .
In m y e x p erie n ce, c o n nec tin g p eo p le at th is le v el is n ’t p sy ch oth er ap y; it ’s
a ctu ally t h e c o re o f m ed ia tio n b ecau se when y o u m ak e th e co n nectio n , t h e pro ble m s o lv es i t s e lf m ost o f t h e t im e. I n ste a d o f a t h ir d h ea d a sk in g, “ W hat
c a n w e a g re e t o h ere ?,” if w e h ad a c le ar s ta te m en t o f e a ch p er so n’s n eed s—
w hat th ose p artie s n eed rig h t n ow fr o m e a ch o th er— we w ill th en d is c o ver
w hat c a n b e d on e t o g et e v ery b o d y’s n eed s m et. ese beco m e th e str a teg ies
t h e p artie s a g re e t o i m ple m en t a er t h e m ed ia tio n s es sio n c o n clu des a n d t h e
partie s l e av e t h e r o om .
W hen y o u m ak e th e co n n ectio n , th e p ro b le m u su ally
s o lv es i t s e lf . NVC C on fl ic t R eso lu tio n S te p s— A Q uic k O ver v ie w
B efo re w e g et d eep er in to a d is c u ss io n o f s o m e o f t h e oth er k ey e lem ents o f
co n ic t r e so lu tio n , le t m e g iv e y o u a t h u m bn ail s k et ch o f t h e step s in vo lv ed
in r e so lv in g a c o n ic t b etw een o u rs e lv es a n d s o m eb o d y e ls e . ere are ve
ste p s in th is p ro ce ss . E it h er s id e m ay e x p res s th ei r n eed s rst, b u t fo r th e
sa k e o f s im pli c it y i n t h is o verv ie w , l et ’s a ssu m e w e beg in w it h o u r n eed s.
F ir st, w e e x p re ss o u r o w n n eed s.
S eco n d, w e s e arc h f o r t h e r e a l n eed s o f t h e oth er p er so n , n o m att er h ow
th ey a re e x p re ss in g th em se lv es. If th ey a re not e x p res sin g a n ee d , b u t
in ste a d an op in io n , ju dgm en t, or an aly sis , w e re co gn iz e th at, an d
co n tin u e to se ek th e n eed b eh in d th ei r w ord s, th e need u n der neath
w hat t h ey a re s a y in g.
ir d , w e v erif y th at w e b oth a cc u ra te ly re co gn iz e th e oth er p er so n’s
n eed s, a n d i f n ot, c o n tin u e t o s e ek t h e need b eh in d t h ei r w ord s.
F ou rth , w e p ro vid e a s m uch e m path y a s is r e q u ir e d fo r u s t o m utu ally
h ear e a ch o th er’s n eed s a cc u ra te ly .
A nd h, h av in g cla ri ed b oth p arties ’ n eed s in th e sit u atio n , w e
pro p ose s tr a te g ie s fo r r e so lv in g th e co n ic t, fr a m in g th em in p osit iv e
actio n l a n gu ag e.
ro u gh ou t, w e’r e li s te n in g t o e a ch o th er w it h u tm ost c a re , a v o id in g t h e
use o f l a n gu ag e t h at i m pli e s w ro n gn es s o n ei th er s id e.
A vo id t h e u se o f l a n gu ag e t h at i m pli e s w ro n gn ess. On N eed s, S tr a te g ie s, a n d A naly sis
S in ce th e u n dersta n din g a n d e x p res sio n o f n eed s a re es sen tia l to r es olv in g
co n ic ts th ro u gh N VC, le t u s re v ie w th is v it a l co n cep t w hic h h as b een
em ph asiz e d t h ro u gh ou t t h is b o ok, a n d p artic u la rly i n C hap te r 5 .
F u n dam en ta lly , n eed s a re t h e r es ou rc e s li f e re q u ir es t o s u sta in it s e lf . W e
all h av e p hysic a l n eed s: a ir , w ater , fo o d , res t. A nd w e h av e psy ch olo gic a l
n eed s s u ch a s u n dersta n din g, s u pp ort, h on esty , a n d m ean in g. I b eli e v e th at
a ll p eo p le b asic a lly h av e th e s a m e need s r eg ard les s o f n atio n ali t y , r e li g io n ,
gen der, i n co m e, e d u catio n , e tc .
N ex t, le t’s c o n sid er th e d iff ere n ce b et ween a p er so n’s n eed s a n d h is o r
h er s tr a te g y f o r f u l lli n g t h em . I t i s i m porta n t, w hen r es olv in g c o n ic ts , t h at
w e c a n c le arly r e co gn iz e t h e d iff eren ce b et ween n eed s a n d s tr a te g ies .
M an y o f u s h av e g re at d iffi cu lt y ex pres sin g o u r n eed s: w e hav e been
ta u gh t b y so cie ty to c rit ic iz e, in su lt , a n d o th er wis e (m is )c o m mun ic ate in
w ay s t h at k eep u s a p art. I n a c o n ic t, b oth p arties u su ally s p en d to o m uch
tim e in te n t o n p ro vin g th em se lv es r ig h t, a n d th e oth er p arty w ro n g, r a th er
th an p ay in g a tt e n tio n to th eir o w n a n d th e oth er ’s n eed s. A nd s u ch v er bal
co n ic ts c a n f a r t o o e a sily e sc a la te i n to v io len ce — an d e v en w ar.
I n o rd er n ot t o c o n fu se n eed s a n d s tr a te g ies , i t i s i m porta n t t o r e ca ll t h at
n eed s c o n ta in n o re fe re n ce to a n yb od y ta kin g a n y p artic u la r a ctio n . O n th e
oth er h an d, str a te g ie s, w hic h m ay a p p ear in th e fo rm o f re q u es ts , d es ir es ,
wan ts , a n d “ s o lu tio n s,” r e fe r t o sp ecifi c a ctio n s t h at s p ecifi c p eo p le m ay t a ke.
F or e x am ple , I o n ce m et w it h a c o u ple who h ad ju st a b ou t g iv en u p o n
th eir m arria g e. I a sk ed t h e h u sb an d w hat n eed s o f h is w er en ’t b ei ng f u l lle d
in t h e m arria g e. H e s a id , “ I n ee d to g et o u t o f t h is m arria g e.” W hat h e was
d esc rib in g w as a s p eci c p ers o n ( h im se lf ) ta k in g a s p eci c a ctio n ( le av in g
th e m arria g e). H e w asn ’t e x p re ss in g a n eed ; h e w as i d en tif y in g a s tr a teg y.
I p oin te d th is o u t to th e h u sb an d a n d s u gges te d th at h e rst c la rif y h is
a n d h is w if e ’s n eed s b efo re u n derta k in g th e str a te g y o f “ g ett in g o u t o f th is
m arria g e.” A er b oth o f th em h ad co n necte d w it h th ei r o w n an d ea ch
o th er’s n eed s, t h ey d is c o vere d t h at t h es e need s c o u ld b e m et w it h s tr a teg ies
o th er th an e n din g th e m arria g e. e hu sb an d a ck n ow le d ged h is n eed s fo r
ap pre cia tio n an d un dersta n din g fo r th e str es s gen erate d by his ra th er
dem an din g jo b ; t h e w if e r e co gn iz e d h er n eed s f o r c lo sen ess a n d c o n nectio n in a s it u atio n w here s h e e x p erie n ce d h er h u sb an d’s jo b o cc u pyin g m uch o f
h is t im e.
O nce th ey tr u ly u n dersto od th ei r m utu al n eed s, th is h u sb an d a n d w if e
w ere a b le t o a rriv e a t a s e t o f a g re em ents t h at s a tis ed b oth t h ei r n eed s w hile
w ork in g a ro u n d t h e d em an ds o f t h e hu sb an d’s j o b.
In t h e c a se o f a n oth er c o u ple , t h e la ck o f “ n eed s li t e ra cy ” t o ok t h e fo rm
o f c o n fu sio n b etw een t h e e x p re ss io n o f n eed s a n d t h e ex pres sio n o f a n aly sis ,
a n d u lt im ate ly le d to th eir in ic tin g p hysic a l v io len ce o n e a ch o th er . I w as
in vit e d t o m ed ia te i n t h is s it u atio n a t t h e en d o f a w ork p la ce tr a in in g w hen a
m an te arfu lly d esc rib ed h is sit u atio n a n d a sk ed if h e an d h is w if e co u ld
s p ea k w it h m e i n p riv ate .
I a g re ed t o m eet t h em a t t h eir h om e, a n d o p en ed t h e ev en in g b y s a y in g:
“I’m a w are th at y o u ’r e b oth in a lo t o f p ain . L et ’s b eg in w it h e a ch o f y o u
ex p re ss in g w hate v er n eed s o f y o u rs a ren ’t b ei ng f u l lle d i n y o u r r e la tio n sh ip .
O nce y o u u n dersta n d e a ch o th er ’s n eed s, I’m c o n den t w e ca n w ork o n
str a te g ie s t o m eet t h ose n eed s.”
N ot b ein g “n eed s li t e ra te ,” th e h u sb an d sta rte d o ff b y te lli n g h is w if e ,
“ e p ro ble m w it h y o u is th at y o u ’r e to ta lly in sen sit iv e to m y n eed s.” S h e
an sw ere d i n t h e s a m e m an ner, “ at’s t y p ic a l o f y o u t o s a y u n fa ir t h in gs li k e
th at!”
I n ste a d o f e x p re ss in g n eed s, th ey w er e doin g a n aly sis , w hic h is e a sily
h eard a s c rit ic is m b y a li s te n er. A s m en tio n ed e arli er in t h is b o ok, a n aly ses
th at im ply w ro n gn ess a re e ss e n tia lly tr a g ic ex pres sio n s o f u n m et n eed s. In
th e ca se of th is co u ple , th e hu sb an d had a need fo r su pp ort an d
un dersta n din g b u t e x p re ss e d it i n t e rm s o f t h e w if e ’s “ in sen sit iv it y .” e w if e
a ls o h ad a n eed fo r b ein g a cc u ra te ly u n dersto od , b u t sh e ex pres se d it in
t e rm s o f th e h u sb an d’s “u n fa ir n es s.” It to ok a w hile to m ove th ro u gh th e
la y ers o f n eed s o n t h e p art o f b oth h u sb an d a n d w if e , b u t o n ly t h ro u gh t r u ly
a ck n ow le d gin g a n d a p pre cia tin g e a ch o th er ’s n eed s w er e th ey n ally a b le to
b eg in th e p ro ce ss o f ex p lo rin g str a te g ies to ad dres s th ei r lo n g-s ta n din g
co n ic ts .
I o n ce w ork ed w it h a c o m pan y w her e both m ora le an d p ro du ctiv it y t o ok
a div e du e to a very dis tu rb in g co n ic t. Tw o fa ctio n s in th e sa m e
dep artm en t w ere gh tin g o ver w hic h so w are to u se , gen er atin g str o n g
em otio n s o n b oth s id es. O ne f a ctio n h ad w ork ed e sp ecia lly h ard t o d ev elo p th e s o w are t h at w as p re se n tly in u se , a n d w an te d t o s e e it s c o n tin u ed u se .
e o th er f a ctio n h ad s tr o n g e m otio n s t ie d u p i n c re atin g n ew s o w are .
I s ta rte d b y a sk in g e a ch s id e to te ll m e w hat n eed s o f th ei rs w ou ld b e
b ett e r f u l lle d b y t h e s o w are t h ey a d vo cate d . eir r es pon se w as t o o ff er a n
in te lle c tu al a n aly sis th at th e o th er s id e re ce iv ed a s c rit ic is m . A m em ber o n
th e sid e th at fa v o re d n ew so w are sa id : “W e ca n co n tin u e to b e over ly
c o n se rv ativ e, b u t i f w e d o t h at, I t h in k w e co u ld b e ou t o f w ork i n t h e fu tu re .
P ro gre ss m ean s th at w e ta k e so m e ris k s, an d d are to sh ow th at w e are
b ey o n d o ld -fa sh io n ed w ay s o f d oin g th in gs.” A m em ber o f th e op p osin g
fa ctio n re sp on ded , “B ut I th in k th at im pu ls iv ely g ra b bin g fo r e v er y n ew
th in g t h at c o m es a lo n g is n ot in o u r b es t in ter es t.” ey a ck n ow le d ged t h at
th ey h ad b een r e p eatin g th ese s a m e an aly ses fo r m on th s a n d w er e get tin g
n ow here o th er t h an i n cre a sin g t e n sio n f o r t h em se lv es .
In te lle ctu al a n aly sis i s o en r e ce iv ed a s c rit ic is m .
W hen w e d on’t k n ow h ow t o d ir e ctly a n d c le arly ex pres s w hat w e need ,
bu t c a n o n ly m ak e a n aly se s o f o th er s t h at s o u n d li k e crit ic is m t o t h em , w ars
a re n ev er f a r a w ay — wheth er v erb al, p sy ch olo gic a l, o r p hysic a l. Sen sin g O th ers’ N eed s, N o M att e r W hat ey ’r e S ay in g
To r e so lv e c o n ic ts u sin g N VC, w e need to tr a in o u rs e lv es to h ear p eo p le
e x p re ss in g n eed s r e g ard le ss o f h ow t h ey d o t h e ex p res sin g. I f w e r e a lly w an t
to b e o f ass is ta n ce to o th ers , th e rst th in g to le arn is to tr a n sla te a n y
m ess a g e in to a n e x p re ss io n o f a n eed . e m ess a g e m ig h t ta k e th e fo rm o f
sile n ce, d en ia l, a ju dgm en ta l r e m ark , a g es tu re— or, h op ef ully , a r e q u es t. W e
hon e o u r s k ills t o h ear t h e n eed w it h in e v er y m essa g e, e v en i f a t rst w e hav e
to r e ly o n g u ess e s.
F or e x am ple , in th e m id d le o f a c o n ver sa tio n , if I a sk th e oth er p er so n
so m eth in g a b ou t w hat t h ey ’v e ju st s a id , a n d I a m m et w it h “ at’s a s tu pid
q u estio n ,” I h ear t h em e x p re ss in g a n eed in t h e fo rm o f a ju dgm en t o f m e. I
p ro ce ed t o g u ess w hat t h at n eed m ig h t b e— may b e th e qu es tio n I a sk ed d id
n ot f u l ll t h eir n eed t o b e u n dersto od . O r if I a sk m y p artn er t o t a lk a b ou t
th e s tr e ss i n o u r r e la tio n sh ip a n d t h ey a n sw er, “ I d on’t w an t t o t a lk a b ou t i t ,”
I m ay s e n se t h at t h eir n eed is fo r p ro te ctio n f r o m w hat t h ey im ag in e co u ld
h ap p en if w e w ere to c o m mun ic ate ab ou t o u r re la tio n sh ip . S o th is is o u r
w ork : l e arn in g t o r e co gn iz e t h e n eed i n s ta te m en ts t h at d on’t o ver tly ex pres s
an y n eed . It ta k es p ra ctic e, a n d it a lw ay s in vo lv es s o m e g u ess in g. O nce we
se n se w hat th e o th er p ers o n n eed s, w e ca n c h eck in w it h th em , a n d th en
h elp t h em p u t t h eir n eed i n to w ord s. I f w e are ab le to t r u ly h ear t h ei r n eed , a
n ew le v el o f c o n nec tio n is fo rg ed — a c rit ic a l p ie ce th at m oves th e co n ic t
to w ard s u cce ss fu l r e so lu tio n .
L ea rn to h ea r n eed s re g ard le ss o f h ow p eo p le e x p re ss
th em .
In w ork sh op s fo r m arrie d c o u ples , I o en lo ok fo r th e co u ple wit h th e
lo n gest u n re so lv ed c o n ic t to d em on str a te m y p re d ic tio n th at, o n ce ea ch
sid e c a n sta te th e o th er sid e’s n eed s, it w ou ld ta k e no m ore th an tw en ty
m in ute s fo r th e c o n ic t to c o m e to a r es olu tio n . O nce th er e was a c o u ple
w hose m arria g e su ff ere d th ir ty -n in e years of co n ic t ab ou t m on ey. Six
m on th s in to th e m arria g e, th e w if e had tw ic e o ver dra w n th ei r ch eck in g
acco u nt w here u p on t h e h u sb an d t o ok c o n tr o l o f t h e n an ce s a n d w ou ld n o lo n ger le t h er w rit e c h eck s. e tw o o f th em h ad n ev er sto p p ed a rg u in g
ab ou t i t s in ce.
e w if e c h alle n ged m y p re d ic tio n , s a y in g th at e v en th ou gh th ey h ad a
g o od m arria g e a n d c a n c o m mun ic ate well, it w ou ld n’t b e poss ib le fo r th ei r
his to ric a lly e n tr e n ch ed c o n ic t t o r es olv e so q u ic k ly .
I i n vit e d h er t o b eg in b y t e lli n g m e i f s h e kn ew w hat h er h u sb an d’s n eed s
w ere i n t h is c o n ic t.
S h e r e p li e d , “ H e o bvio u sly d oesn ’t w an t m e to s p en d a n y m on ey.”
T o w hic h h er h u sb an d e x cla im ed : “ at’s r id ic u lo u s!”
I n s ta tin g t h at h er h u sb an d d id n’t w an t h er t o s p en d a n y m on ey, t h e w if e
w as id en tif y in g w hat I ca ll a str a te g y. E ven if sh e had b een acc u ra te in
g u ess in g h er h u sb an d’s str a te g y, s h e h ad n ow here id en ti ed h is n eed . H ere
a g ain is th e k ey d is tin ctio n . B y m y d e nit io n , a n eed d oes n’t ref er to a
sp eci c a ctio n , s u ch a s s p en din g o r n ot s p en din g m on ey. I t o ld t h e w if e th at
a ll p eo p le sh are th e sa m e n eed s, an d if sh e co u ld o n ly u n der sta n d h er
hu sb an d’s n eed s, th e is su e w ou ld b e res olv ed . W hen en co u ra g ed a g ain to
s ta te h er h u sb an d’s n eed s, s h e r e p li e d , “ H e is ju st li k e h is f a th er ,” d es crib in g
how h is fa th er h ad b een r e lu cta n t to s p en d m on ey. A t th is p oin t, s h e was
m ak in g a n a n aly sis .
I s to p p ed h er t o a sk a g ain , “ W hat w as h is n eed ?”
It b eca m e cle ar th at, ev en a er th ir ty -n in e years o f “c o m mun ic atin g
w ell,” s h e s till h ad n o i d ea w hat h is n eed s w er e.
I t h en tu rn ed to t h e h u sb an d. “ S in ce y o u r w if e is n ’t in to u ch w it h w hat
y o u r n eed s a re , w hy d on’t y o u te ll h er ? W hat n eed s a re yo u m eet in g b y
keep in g t h e c h eck b o ok f r o m h er? ”
C rit ic is m an d dia g n osis get in th e w ay of pea ce fu l
re so lu tio n o f c o n fl ic ts .
T o w hic h h e r e sp on ded , “ M arsh all, s h e’s a w on derfu l w if e , a w on der fu l
m oth er. B ut w hen it c o m es t o m on ey, s h e’s t o ta lly ir res pon sib le .” H is u se of
dia gn osis ( “ S h e i s i r re sp on sib le .” ) i s r e ec tiv e of l a n gu ag e t h at g et s i n t h e w ay
o f p ea ce fu l re so lu tio n o f c o n ic ts . W hen ei th er s id e hears it s e lf c rit ic iz e d ,
d ia g n ose d , o r i n te rp re te d , t h e e n er gy o f t h e sit u atio n w ill li k ely t u rn to w ard
s e lf - d efe n se a n d c o u nte r- a cc u sa tio n s r a th er t h an t o w ard r es olu tio n . I t r ie d t o h ear t h e f e eli n g a n d n eed b eh in d h im s ta tin g t h at h is w if e was
ir re sp on sib le : “A re y o u fe eli n g sc a re d b ecau se y o u h av e a n eed to p ro te ct
y o u r fa m ily eco n om ic a lly ?” H e ag re ed th at th is w as in deed th e ca se .
A dm it t e d ly , I h ad m ere ly g u ess e d c o rre ctly , b u t I d id n’t h av e to g et it r ig h t
th e rst tim e b ecau se e v en if I h ad g u ess e d w ro n g, I w ou ld s till h av e been
fo cu sin g o n h is n eed s— an d th at’s th e heart o f th e m att er . I n fa ct, w hen w e
re ec t b ack in co rre c t g u ess e s to o th er s, it m ay h elp t h em g et in to u ch w it h
t h eir t r u e n eed s. I t t a k es t h em o u t o f a n aly sis t o w ard g re ate r c o n nectio n t o
li f e . Hav e t h e N eed s B een H ea rd ?
e h u sb an d h ad n ally a ck n ow le d ged h is n eed : t o k eep h is f a m ily s a fe . e
nex t s te p is t o a sc e rta in t h at t h e wif e heard t h at n eed . is is a c ru cia l s ta g e
in c o n ic t r e so lu tio n . W e m ust n ot a ssu m e th at w hen o n e party ex pres ses a
n eed c le arly , th at th e o th er p arty h ears it a cc u ra te ly . I a sk ed th e wif e , “ C an
y o u te ll m e back w hat yo u heard to be yo u r hu sb an d’s n eed s in th is
s it u atio n ?”
“W ell, ju st b ecau se I o verd re w th e ban k a cco u nt a c o u ple of tim es, it
d oesn ’t m ean I ’m g o in g t o c o n tin u e doin g i t .”
H er r e sp on se w as n ot u nusu al. W hen w e h av e pain b u ilt u p o ver m an y
years , it c a n g et in t h e w ay o f o u r a b ili t y t o h ear c le arly , e v en w hen w hat is
b ein g e x p re ss e d is c le ar t o o th ers . T o c o n tin u e, I s a id t o t h e wif e: “ I’d li k e to
te ll y o u w hat I h eard y o u r h u sb an d s a y, a n d I ’d li k e y o u to r ep eat it b ack . I
h eard th at y o u r h u sb an d s a y s h e has a n eed to p ro te ct th e fa m ily , a n d h e’s
s c a re d b ecau se h e w an ts t o b e s u re th at t h e fa m ily i s p ro te cte d .” Em path y t o E ase t h e P ain at P re v en ts H ea rin g
But s h e w as s till in to o m uch p ain to h ear m e. is b rin gs u p a n oth er s k ill
t h at is n eed ed if w e a re to e ff ectiv ely en gag e th e NVC p ro ce ss o f c o n ic t
re so lu tio n . W hen p eo p le a re u p set , t h ey o en n eed em path y b ef ore th ey c a n
h ear w hat i s b ein g s a id t o th em . I n t h is i n sta n ce, I c h an ged c o u rs e: i n ste a d o f
tr y in g to h av e h er r e p eat w hat h er h u sb an d h ad s a id , I t r ie d to u n der sta n d
th e p ain s h e w as in — th e p ain t h at k ep t h er f r o m h earin g h im . E sp ecia lly if
t h ere is a lo n g h is to ry o f p ain , it is im porta n t to o ff er e n ou gh em path y s o
th at th e p artie s fe el re a ssu re d th at th ei r p ain is bei ng re co gn iz e d an d
un dersto od .
P eo p le o en n eed e m path y b efo re t h ey a re a b le t o h ea r
w hat i s b ein g s a id .
W hen I a d dre ss e d th e w if e w it h em path y, “I sen se th at y o u ’r e fe eli n g
re a lly hu rt an d yo u n eed to be tr u ste d th at yo u ca n le arn fr o m past
e x p erie n ce,” th e e x p re ss io n in h er e y es s h ow ed m e h ow m uch s h e need ed
th at u n dersta n din g. “ Y es, e x actly ,” s h e rep li e d , b u t w hen a sk ed t o r ep eat b ack
w hat h er h u sb an d h ad sa id , sh e an sw ere d , “H e th in ks I sp en d to o m uch
m on ey.”
J u st a s w e a re n ot t r a in ed t o e x p res s o u r o w n n eed s, m ost o f u s h av e not
b een tr a in ed in h earin g th e n eed s o f o th er s. A ll th is w if e co u ld h ear w as
crit ic is m o r d ia g n osis o n p art o f h er h u sb an d. I e n co u ra g ed h er to tr y to
s im ply h ear h is n eed s. A er I r ep eate d h is n eed — fo r s a fet y f o r h is f a m ily —
tw o m ore tim es, sh e n ally w as ab le to h ear it . en, a er a fe w m ore
r o u n ds, th ey w ere b oth a b le to h ear e a ch o th er ’s n eed s. A nd ju st a s I h ad
p re d ic te d , o n ce th ey u n dersto od — fo r th e rst tim e in th ir ty -n in e years —
e a ch oth er’s n eed s co n ce rn in g th e ch eck b o ok, it to ok le ss th an tw en ty
m in ute s t o n d p ra ctic a l w ay s t o m eet b oth t h ei r n eed s.
e m ore e x p erie n ce I h av e g ain ed in m ed ia tin g c o n ic ts o ver t h e years
a n d t h e m ore I ’v e s e en w hat l e a d s f a m ili es t o a rg u e an d n atio n s t o g o t o w ar,
t h e m ore co n vin ce d I am th at m ost sc h oolc h ild ren co u ld so lv e th es e
co n ic ts . I f w e c o u ld ju st s a y, “ H er e are th e need s o f b oth s id es . H er e are th e re so u rc e s. W hat c a n b e d on e t o m eet t h es e need s? ,” c o n ic ts w ou ld b e ea sily
r e so lv ed . B ut i n ste a d , o u r t h in kin g i s f o cu se d o n d eh u m an iz in g o n e an oth er
w it h la b els a n d ju dgm en ts u ntil e v en t h e sim ples t o f c o n ic ts b eco m es v er y
diffi cu lt to so lv e. N VC h elp s u s av o id th at tr a p , th er eb y en han cin g th e
ch an ce s o f r e a ch in g a s a tis fy in g r es olu tio n . Usin g P re se n t a n d P osit iv e A ctio n L an gu ag e t o R eso lv e C on fl ic t
A lt h ou gh I a d dre ss e d t h e u se o f p res en t, p osit iv e actio n l a n gu ag e i n C hap te r
6, I ’d li k e to p re se n t a fe w m ore e x am ples to d em on str a te it s im porta n ce in
r e so lv in g co n ic ts . O nce b oth p arties h av e co n necte d w it h ea ch o th er ’s
n eed s, th e n ex t ste p is to arriv e at str a te g ies th at m eet th ose need s. It’s
i m porta n t to a v o id m ovin g h astily in to str a te g ies , a s th is m ay res ult in a
c o m pro m is e th at la ck s th e deep qu ali t y of au th en tic res olu tio n th at is
p oss ib le . B y fu lly h earin g e a ch o th er ’s n eed s b ef ore ad dres sin g so lu tio n s,
p artie s in c o n ic t a re m uch m ore li k ely to a d her e to th e ag re em ents th ey
m ak e t o e a ch o th er. e p ro ce ss o f r es olv in g c o n ic t h as t o en d w it h a ctio n s
th at m eet ev ery b o d y’s n eed s. It is th e pres en ta tio n o f str a te g ies in cle ar,
p re se n t, p osit iv e a ctio n l a n gu ag e t h at m oves c o n ic ts t o w ard r es olu tio n .
A pre se n t la n gu age sta te m en t re fe rs to w hat is w an te d at th is m om en t.
F or e x am ple , o n e p arty m ig h t s a y, “ I’d li k e y o u to te ll m e if y o u w ou ld b e
w illi n g t o — ” a n d d esc rib e t h e a ctio n t h ey ’d li k e th e oth er p arty t o t a k e. e
use o f a p re se n t la n gu ag e r e q u est t h at b eg in s w it h “ W ou ld y o u b e willi n g t o
… ” h elp s fo ste r a r e sp ec tfu l d is c u ss io n . If th e oth er s id e an sw ers th at th ey
are n ot w illi n g, it in vit e s t h e n ex t s tep o f u n der sta n din g w hat p re v en ts t h ei r
willi n gn ess .
O n t h e o th er h an d, i n t h e a b se n ce o f p res en t la n gu ag e, a r e q u es t s u ch a s
“I’d l i k e y o u t o g o t o t h e s h ow w it h m e Satu rd ay n ig h t” f a ils t o c o n vey w hat’s
b ein g a sk ed o f th e li s te n er a t th at m om en t. e u se o f p re se n t la n gu ag e to
h on e s u ch a r e q u est, f o r e x am ple , “ W ou ld y o u b e willi n g t o t e ll m e whet her
yo u w ill g o to th e sh ow w it h m e S atu rd ay n ig h t? ,” su pp orts cla rit y an d
on go in g c o n nec tio n in th e e x ch an ge. W e ca n fu rth er c la rif y th e re q u es t b y
in dic atin g w hat w e m ay w an t f r o m t h e oth er p er so n i n t h e pres en t m om en t,
“ W ou ld y o u b e w illi n g t o t e ll m e h ow y o u f e el a b ou t g o in g t o t h e sh ow w it h
m e S atu rd ay n ig h t? ” e c le are r w e a re reg ard in g t h e res pon se w e w an t r ig h t
n ow f r o m t h e o th er p arty , t h e m ore eff ectiv ely w e m ove th e co n ic t t o w ard
r e so lu tio n . Usin g A ctio n V erb s
In C hap te r 6 , w e t o u ch ed u p on t h e r o le o f a ctio n la n gu ag e in f o rm in g N VC
re q u ests . I n s it u atio n s o f c o n ic t, it is e sp ecia lly im porta n t t o f o cu s o n w hat
w e d o w an t r a th er t h an w hat w e d o n ot w an t. T alk in g a b ou t w hat o n e d oesn ’t
w an t c a n e a sily c re ate c o n fu sio n a n d r es is ta n ce a m on g c o n ic tin g p arties .
Actio n la n gu ag e re q u ir e s th e u se of a ctio n v er bs, w hile a ls o a v o id in g
la n gu ag e t h at o b sc u re s, o r l a n gu ag e t h at c a n r e a d ily b e in fer re d a s a n a tt a ck .
I’d l i k e t o i llu str a te t h is w it h a s it u atio n w her e a w om an e x p res se d a n eed f o r
u n dersta n din g th at w asn ’t b ein g m et in h er p rim ary r e la tio n sh ip . A er h er
partn er was ab le to acc u ra te ly hear an d re ect back th e need fo r
u n dersta n din g, I tu rn ed to th e w om an a n d sa id , “O kay, let ’s g et d ow n to
s tr a te g ie s. W hat d o y o u w an t f r o m y o u r p artn er in o rd er t o m eet y o u r n eed
fo r u n dersta n din g?” S h e f a ce d h er p artn er a n d s a id , “ I’d li k e y o u t o li s ten t o
m e w hen I ta lk to y o u .” “I d o li s te n to y o u w hen y o u ta lk !,” th e partn er
re to rte d . It’s n ot u nusu al, if s o m eo n e te lls u s th ey ’d li k e u s to li s ten w hen
th ey a re t a lk in g, f o r u s t o h ear a cc u sa tio n s a n d t h u s f e el s o m e r es en tm en t.
A ctio n l a n gu ag e r e q u ir e s t h e u se o f a ctio n v erb s.
ey w en t b ack a n d fo rth , w it h t h e partn er r ep eatin g, “ I d o li s ten ,” a n d
th e w om an co u nte rin g, “N o, yo u d on’t .” ey to ld m e th ey ’d h ad th is
“ c o n vers a tio n” fo r tw elv e y ears , a s it u atio n th at is ty p ic a l in c o n ic ts w hen
partie s u se v ag u e w ord s li k e “ li s te n ” to ex pres s s tr a te g ies . I s u gges t in ste a d
th e use of actio n verb s to cap tu re so m eth in g th at w e ca n se e or hea r
h app en in g— so m eth in g t h at c a n b e re co rd ed w it h a v id eo c a m era . “ L is te n in g”
o cc u rs in sid e a p ers o n’s h ea d ; an oth er p er so n ca n not se e whet her it is
h ap p en in g o r n ot. O ne w ay to d eter m in e th at s o m eo n e is a ctu ally li s ten in g
is t o h av e t h at p ers o n r e ec t b ack w hat h ad b een s a id : w e ask t h e per so n t o
t a k e a n a ctio n t h at w e o u rs e lv es c a n s e e or h ear. I f t h e oth er p arty c a n t e ll u s
w hat w as ju st s a id , w e k n ow t h at p er so n h eard a n d w as in deed li s ten in g to
u s.
In an oth er co n ic t b etw een a h u sb an d an d w if e , th e wif e wan te d to
k n ow t h at h er h u sb an d r e sp ec te d h er c h oic e s. O nce s h e ex p re ss e d h er n eed su cce ss fu lly , h er n ex t s te p w as to g et c le ar o n h er s tr a te g y fo r m eet in g th at
n eed a n d t o m ak e a r e q u est o f t h e hu sb an d. S h e to ld h im , “ I w an t y o u t o g iv e
m e t h e f r e ed om to g ro w a n d b e m yse lf .” “ I d o,” h e rep li e d , a n d ju st a s w it h
t h e o th er c o u ple , th is w as fo llo w ed b y a fr u it les s v o lle y o f “ Y es, I d o,” a n d
“N o, y o u d on’t .”
N on -a ctio n la n gu ag e, su ch as “G iv e me th e fr e ed om to g ro w ” o en
ex ace rb ate s co n ic t. In th is in sta n ce, th e hu sb an d h eard h im se lf bei ng
ju dged a s d om in eerin g. I p oin te d o u t to th e wif e th at it w asn ’t c le ar to h er
hu sb an d w hat s h e w an te d : “ P le a se te ll h im e x actly w hat y o u ’d li k e him t o do
to m eet y o u r n eed t o h av e y o u r c h oic e s r es pecte d .”
“ I w an t y o u to le t m e— ,” sh e b eg an . I in ter ru pte d th at “let ” w as to o
vag u e: “ W hat d o y o u r e a lly m ean w hen y o u s a y y o u w an t s o m eb o d y t o ‘l et ’
yo u ?”
A er re ec tin g fo r a fe w se co n ds, sh e arriv ed at an im porta n t
u n dersta n din g. S h e a ck n ow le d ged t h at w hat s h e re a lly m ean t w hen s h e sa id
t h in gs l i k e “ I w an t y o u t o l e t m e b e” a n d “ I w an t y o u t o g iv e m e th e fr e ed om
to g ro w ” is fo r h er h u sb an d to te ll h er th at n o m att er w hat s h e did , it w as
o kay.
W hen s h e g o t c le ar a s to w hat s h e was a ctu ally r e q u es tin g— fo r h im to
te ll h er s o m eth in g — sh e r e co gn iz e d th at w hat s h e w an te d d id n ot le av e him
m uch fr e ed om to be him se lf an d to hav e h is ch oic e s re sp ec te d . A nd
m ain ta in in g r e sp ec t i s a k ey e le m en t i n s u cces sfu l c o n ic t r es olu tio n .
M ain ta in in g re sp ect is a key ele m en t in su cce ssfu l
co n fl ic t r e so lu tio n . Tra n sla tin g “ N o”
W hen w e e x p re ss a r e q u est, it ’s v er y im porta n t t o b e res pectfu l o f t h e oth er
p ers o n’s re a ctio n , w heth er or not th ey ag re e to ou r re q u es t. M an y
m ed ia tio n s I h av e w it n ess e d c o n sis t o f w ait in g fo r p eo p le to w ear d ow n to
t h e p oin t w here t h ey ’l l a cce p t a n y c o m pro m is e . is i s v er y d iff er en t f r o m a
r e so lu tio n i n w hic h e v ery o n e’s n eed s a re m et a n d n ob o d y ex per ien ces l o ss .
In C hap te r 8 , w e d is c o vere d th e im porta n ce of n ot h earin g “n o” as
re je c tio n . L is te n in g ca re fu lly to th e mess a g e beh in d th e “n o” help s us
u n dersta n d t h e o th er p ers o n’s n eed s: W hen t h ey s a y “ n o,” t h ey’r e sa yin g t h ey
h ave a n eed t h at k ee p s t h em f r o m s a yin g “ y es” t o w hat w e are ask in g. I f w e c a n
h ear t h e n eed b eh in d a “ n o,” w e c a n c o n tin u e th e co n ic t r es olu tio n p ro ces s
— main ta in in g o u r f o cu s o n n din g a w ay t o m eet e v er yb o d y’s n eed s— ev en
if t h e o th er p arty s a y s “ n o” t o t h e p artic u la r s tr a te g y w e pres en te d t h em . NVC a n d t h e M ed ia to r R ole
A lt h ou gh in th is ch ap te r I h av e off ere d ex am ples fr o m m ed ia tio n s I’v e
fa cili t a te d b etw een c o n ic tin g p arties , th e fo cu s s o fa r h as b een o n h ow to
a p p ly th ese sk ills w hen re so lv in g c o n ic ts b et ween o u rs e lv es a n d a n oth er
p ers o n . ere a re , h ow ev er, a fe w th in gs to k eep in m in d a t th ose tim es
when w e w an t to u se o u r N VC to ols to h elp tw o o th er p arties re a ch a
re so lu tio n a n d w e t a k e o n t h e r o le of m ed ia to r. You r R ole , a n d T ru st i n t h e P ro ce ss
W hen e n te rin g a c o n ic t p ro ce ss a s m ed ia to r, a g o od p la ce to s ta rt m ig h t b e
to a ssu re th e p eo p le in c o n ic t th at w e are not th er e to ta k e sid es , b u t to
s u pp ort th em in h earin g e a ch o th er , a n d to h elp g u id e th em to a s o lu tio n
th at m eets e v ery o n e’s n eed s. D ep en din g o n t h e cir c u m sta n ce s, w e m ay a ls o
w an t to c o n vey o u r c o n den ce th at, if th e parties fo llo w th e step s o f N VC,
both o f t h eir n eed s w ill b e m et i n t h e en d. Rem em ber: I t’s N ot A bou t U s
At t h e b eg in nin g o f t h e c h ap te r, I em ph asiz e d t h at t h e obje ctiv e is n ot t o g et
th e o th er p ers o n to d o w hat w e wan t th em to d o. is als o ap p li es to
m ed ia tin g s o m eo n e e ls e’s c o n ic t. ou gh w e m ay h av e ou r o w n w is h es f o r
h ow th e co n ic t is re so lv ed — esp ecia lly if th e co n ic t is b et ween fa m ily ,
fr ie n ds, o r co -w ork ers — we n ee d to rem ember th at w e are not h er e to
a cco m pli s h o u r o w n g o als . e m ed ia to r’s r o le is t o c re ate a n en vir o n m en t i n
w hic h t h e p artie s c a n c o n nec t, ex pres s t h ei r n eed s, u n der sta n d e a ch o th er ’s
n eed s, a n d a rriv e a t s tr a te g ie s t o m eet t h ose need s.
e o b je ctiv e i s n ot t o g et t h e p artie s t o do what w e w an t
th em t o d o. Em erg en cy F ir st- A id E m path y
A s m ed ia to r, I s tr e ss m y i n te n tio n f o r b oth p arties t o b e fu lly a n d a cc u ra te ly
u n dersto od . D esp it e t h at, a s s o on a s I e x p res s em path y t o w ard o n e sid e, it i s
n ot u nu su al fo r th e o th er s id e to im med ia te ly a cc u se m e of fa v o rit is m . A t
th is t im e, w hat’s c a lle d f o r i s e m ergen cy rst- a id em path y. is m ig h t s o u n d
li k e “S o y o u ’r e re a lly a n noyed , a n d y o u n eed so m e a ssu ra n ce th at y o u ’r e
g o in g t o g et y o u r s id e o n t h e t a b le? ”
Once t h e e m path y h as b een e x p res se d , I r em in d t h em t h at e v er yo n e w ill
h av e th e o p p ortu n it y to b e h eard , a n d th ei r tu rn w ill b e nex t. It is th en
h elp fu l to co n rm th ey are in ag re em ent w it h w ait in g by ask in g, fo r
ex am ple , “A re y o u fe eli n g re a ssu re d ab ou t th at, o r w ou ld y o u li k e more
r e a ssu ra n ce t h at y o u r o p p ortu n it y t o b e heard w ill c o m e so on ?”
W e m ay n eed t o d o t h is r e p eate d ly t o k eep t h e m ed ia tio n o n t r a ck . Keep T ra ck : F ollo w t h e B ou n cin g B all
W hen w e a re m ed ia tin g, w e h av e to “ k eep s c o re ” b y p ay in g c a ref ul a tt en tio n
to w hat h as b een sa id , m ak in g su re both p arties h av e th e op p ortu n it y to
e x p re ss th eir n eed s, li s te n to th e oth er p er so n’s n eed s, a n d m ak e re q u es ts .
W e a ls o n eed to “ fo llo w th e b ou n cin g b all” : b ei ng c o n sc io u s o f w her e on e
party le o ff s o w e c a n r e tu rn to w hat th at p arty s a id a er th e oth er p arty
h as b een h eard .
is ca n b e ch alle n gin g, esp ecia lly w hen th in gs get h eate d . In su ch
sit u atio n s, I o en n d it h elp fu l t o u se a w hit e board o r ip c h art t o c ap tu re
th e e ss e n ce o f w hat w as s p oken b y t h e la st s p ea k er w ho h ad o p p ortu n it y t o
e x p re ss a f e eli n g o r n eed .
is fo rm o f v is u al t r a ck in g c a n a ls o s er ve to r e a ssu re both p arties t h at
th eir n eed s w ill b e a d dre ss e d b ecau se so o en b ef ore we hav e a c h an ce to
f u lly d ra w o u t o n e p arty ’s n eed s, t h e oth er w ill b e ju m pin g a h ea d t o ex pres s
th em se lv es. T ak in g th e tim e to n ote th ose need s in a w ay th at is v is ib le to
e v ery o n e p re se n t c a n h elp t h e li s ten er f e el c o m fo rta b le th at t h ei r o w n n eed s
w ill a ls o b e a d dre ss e d . I n t h is w ay, e v er yo n e ca n m ore ea sily o ff er t h ei r f u ll
a tt e n tio n t o w hat i s b ein g e x p re ss e d i n t h e cu rren t m om en t. Keep t h e C on versa tio n i n t h e P re se n t
A noth er im porta n t qu ali t y to brin g to m ed ia tio n is aw aren ess of th e
m om en t: w ho n eed s w hat rig h t n ow ? W hat are th ei r p res en t re q u es ts ?
M ain ta in in g t h is a w are n ess r e q u ir es a lo t o f p ra ctic e in b ei ng p res en t in t h e
m om en t, w hic h i s s o m eth in g m ost o f u s h av e nev er b een t a u gh t t o d o.
A s w e m ove t h ro u gh t h e m ed ia tio n p ro ce ss , i t i s l i k ely t h at w e w ill h ear a
l o t o f d is c u ss io n a b ou t w hat h ap p en ed in t h e past a n d w hat p eo p le wan t t o
h ap p en d iff ere n tly in th e fu tu re . H ow ev er , co n ic t res olu tio n ca n on ly
h ap p en r ig h t n ow , s o n ow i s w her e w e need t o f o cu s. Keep in gs M ovin g
A noth er m ed ia tio n ta sk is to k eep th e co n ver sa tio n fr o m g ett in g b ogged
d ow n; t h is c a n h ap p en v ery e a sily , a s p eo p le o en t h in k t h at if t h ey ju st t e ll
t h at s a m e s to ry on e m ore tim e, t h ey w ill n ally b e u n dersto od a n d t h e oth er
p ers o n w ill d o w hat t h ey w an t.
T o k eep th in gs m ovin g, th e m ed ia to r n eed s to a sk eff ectiv e qu es tio n s,
a n d w hen n ece ss a ry, m ain ta in o r e v en s p eed u p t h e pace. O nce, w hen I w as
sc h ed u le d t o le a d a w ork sh op i n a s m all t o w n, t h e ev en t o rg an iz er a sk ed i f I
w ou ld h elp h im w it h a p ers o n al d is p u te re la te d to th e div is io n o f fa m ily
p ro p erty . I a g re ed t o m ed ia te , a w are th er e was o n ly a t h re e- hou r w in dow in
b etw een w ork sh op s t o d o s o .
e f a m ily d is p u te c e n te re d o n a m an w ho o w ned a la rg e f a rm a n d w as
ab ou t to r e tir e . H is tw o s o n s w ere at w ar o ver h ow th e p ro p erty w as to b e
d iv id ed . ey h ad n’t s p oken in ei gh t y ears e v en th ou gh th ey li v ed c lo se to
e a ch o th er a t t h e s a m e e n d o f t h e fa rm . I m et t h e bro th er s, t h ei r w iv es , a n d
th eir sis te r, all o f w hom w ere in vo lv ed in th is set o f co m pli c ate d leg al
m att e rs a n d e ig h t y ears o f p ain .
In o rd er t o g et t h in gs m ovin g— an d t o s ta y o n s c h ed u le— I h ad t o s p eed
u p th e m ed ia tio n p ro ce ss . T o k eep th em fr o m sp en din g tim e te lli n g th e
sa m e s to rie s o ver a n d o ver, I a sk ed o n e o f th e bro th er s if I c o u ld p la y h is
r o le ; t h en I w ou ld s w it c h a n d p la y t h e part o f t h e oth er b ro th er .
U se r o le -p la y t o s p eed u p t h e m ed ia tio n p ro ce ss.
A s I w as g o in g th ro u gh m y r o le -p la y, I jo ked a b ou t w an tin g to s e e if I
w as p la y in g th e p art r ig h t b y a sk in g if I c o u ld c h eck in w it h m y “d ir e cto r.”
L ookin g o ver a t t h e b ro th er w hose part I h ad b een p la y in g, I s a w s o m ethin g
I w asn ’t p re p are d fo r: h e h ad te ars in h is ey es. I gu es se d th at h e was
ex p erie n cin g d eep e m path y, b oth w it h h im se lf f r o m m y p la y in g h is r o le , a s
w ell a s f o r h is b ro th er’s p ain , w hic h h e had n ot s e en u ntil t h en . e nex t d ay,
th e fa th er a p pro ach ed m e, a ls o w it h t e arfu l e y es , t o s a y t h at t h e nig h t b ef ore
th e w hole fa m ily h ad g o n e o u t to d in ner fo r th e rst tim e in ei gh t y ears .
ou gh th e co n ic t h ad p ers is te d fo r years , w it h la w yer s o n b oth sid es
w ork in g u n su cce ss fu lly to c o m e to a g re em ent, it b eca m e sim ple to r es olv e on ce t h e b ro th ers h eard e a ch o th er ’s p ain a n d n eed s a s r e v ea le d t h ro u gh t h e
ro le -p la y in g. If I h ad w ait e d fo r b oth o f th em to te ll th ei r sto ries , th e
re so lu tio n w ou ld h av e t a k en m uch l o n ger.
W hen r e ly in g o n th is m eth od , I p er io d ic a lly tu rn to th e per so n w hose
ro le I ’m p la y in g, a d dre ss in g th em a s “ m y d ir e cto r” to s e e how I a m d oin g.
F or a w hile I th ou gh t I h ad a ctin g ta len t b ecau se of h ow o en I n d th em
cry in g a n d s a y in g, “ at’s e x actly w hat I’v e been tr y in g to s a y !” H ow ev er ,
when I s ta rte d t r a in in g o th ers i n r o le- pla y in g, I n ow k n ow t h at a n y o f u s c a n
d o it a s lo n g a s w e a re in t o u ch w it h o u r o w n n eed s. N o m att er w hat e ls e is
g o in g o n , w e a ll h av e t h e s a m e n eed s. N eed s a re un iv er sa l.
I so m etim es w ork w it h p eo p le w ho h av e been ra p ed o r to rtu re d a n d
w here t h e p erp etr a to r i s a b se n t, I w ou ld a ssu m e th ei r r o le .
O en tim es th e v ic tim is su rp ris e d to h ear m e in th e ro le- pla y sa y in g th e
sa m e th in g th ey h ad h eard fr o m th ei r p er pet ra to r, a n d p res s m e wit h th e
qu estio n , “ B ut h ow d id y o u k n ow ?” I b eli e v e th e an sw er to t h at q u es tio n is
t h at I k n ow b ecau se I a m th at p er so n . A nd so a re we all. A s w e ap p ly a
li t e ra cy o f fe eli n gs an d n eed s, w e are not th in kin g ab ou t th e is su es , b u t
sim ply p u tt in g o u rs e lv es i n t h e o th er p er so n’s s h oes , t r y in g t o b e th at p er so n .
“G ett in g t h e p art r ig h t” is n ot in o u r t h ou gh ts , a lt h ou gh f r o m t im e to t im e
we c h eck i n w it h t h e “ d ir e c to r” b ecau se we d on’t a lw ay s g et it r ig h t. N ob o d y
gets it rig h t a ll th e tim e, a n d th at’s n e. If w e’r e off th e m ark , th e per so n
w hom w e a re p la y in g w ill le t u s k n ow o n e way o r a n oth er . W e are th u s
off ere d a n oth er o p p ortu n it y t o m ak e a c lo ser g u es s.
R ole -p la y is sim ply pu tt in g ou rse lv es in th e oth er
p erso n’s s h oes. In te rr u ptin g
So m etim es m ed ia tio n s g et h eate d , w it h p eo p le sh ou tin g a t o r ta lk in g o ver
o n e a n oth er. T o k eep th e p ro ces s o n tr a ck u n der su ch c ir c u m sta n ces , w e
need to g et c o m fo rta b le w it h in ter ru ptin g. O nce w hen I w as m ed ia tin g in
I s r a el, a n d h av in g a d iffi cu lt tim e becau se my tr a n sla to r w as to o p oli t e , I
n ally ta u gh t h im to b e n asty : “ S h u t th em u p !,” I in str u cte d . “ T ell th em to
w ait u ntil w e a t l e a st g et t h e t r a n sla tio n o u t b ef ore th ey g o b ack t o s c re am in g
at e a ch o th er.” S o w hen b oth s id es a re sc re am in g o r t a lk in g a t t h e sa m e tim e,
I in se rt m yse lf : “ E xcu se m e, e x cu se m e, e x cu se m e!” I r e p eat th is a s lo u d ly
a n d a s o en a s n ece ss a ry u ntil I r eg ain t h ei r a tt en tio n .
W hen w e a re g ra b bin g t h eir a tt e n tio n , w e hav e to b e qu ic k . I f t h e per so n
re a cts w it h a n ger w hen w e i n te rr u pt, w e c a n s en se th at t h ey a re in t o o m uch
p ain to h ear u s. is is th e tim e fo r e m ergen cy rst- a id e m path y. H er e is
w hat i t m ig h t s o u n d l i k e, u sin g a n ex am ple fr o m a b u sin es s m eet in g.
Sp ea k er: is h ap p en s a ll t h e t im e! ey ’v e alr e a d y c a lle d t h re e m eet in gs,
a n d e a ch t im e t h ere i s s o m e n ew r a tio n ale as t o w hy i t c a n ’t b e
d on e. L ast t im e t h ey ev en s ig n ed a n a g re em en t! N ow a n oth er
pro m is e a n d i t w ill b e j u st t h at: a n oth er p ro m is e! ere’s l i t t le
p oin t i n w ork in g w it h p eo p le w ho …
M ed ia to r: E xcu se m e, e x cu se m e, E X C U SE M E! C ou ld y o u t e ll m e back
w hat t h e o th er p ers o n s a id ?
Sp ea k er: (r e a li z in g h e had n ot l i s te n ed t o w hat h ad b ee n s a id ) N o!
M ed ia to r: S o y o u ’r e f e eli n g s o f u ll o f d is tr u st r ig h t n ow a n d r e a lly n eed
so m e t r u st t h at p eo p le w ill d o w hat t h ey s a y ?
S p ea k er: W ell, o f c o u rs e b u t …
M ed ia to r: S o c o u ld y o u t e ll m e w hat y o u h eard t h em s a y ? L et m e rep eat i t
f o r y o u . I h ear t h e o th er s id e s a y in g t h ey h av e a r e a l n eed f o r
in te g rit y . C ou ld y o u j u st s a y i t b ack s o I ’m s u re w e all u n der sta n d
ea ch o th er?
S p ea k er: (sile n ce)
M ed ia to r: N o? en l e t m e s a y i t a g ain . A nd w e sa y i t a g ain . We m ig h t v ie w o u r r o le a s th at o f a tr a n sla to r— tr a n sla tin g e a ch p arty ’s
m ess a g e s o a s to b e u n dersto od b y th e oth er . I a sk th em to g et u se d to m y
in te rr u ptin g fo r th e sa k e o f re so lv in g th e co n ic t. W hen I d o in ter ru pt, I
a ls o ch eck th at th e sp ea k er fe els th at I’m tr a n sla tin g th em acc u ra te ly . I
tr a n sla te m an y m ess a g es ev en if I am o n ly g u ess in g, b u t th e sp ea k er is
a lw ay s t h e n al a u th orit y o n t h e a cc u ra cy o f m y t r a n sla tio n .
It’s im porta n t to re m em ber th at th e pu rp ose of in ter ru ptin g an d
gra b bin g p eo p le ’s att e n tio n b ack in th is w ay is to res to re th e pro ces s o f
m ak in g ob se rv atio n s, id en tif y in g an d ex pres sin g fe eli n gs, co n nectin g
fe eli n gs w it h n eed s, an d m ak in g doab le re q u es ts usin g cle ar, co n cret e,
p osit iv e a ctio n l a n gu ag e.
e p u rp ose o f i n te rr u ptin g i s t o r e sto re t h e p ro ce ss. When P eo p le S ay “ N o” t o M eetin g F ace t o Face
I a m o p tim is tic a b ou t w hat c a n h ap p en w hen w e brin g p eo p le to get her to
e x p re ss t h eir n eed s a n d r e q u ests . H ow ev er , o n e of t h e big gest p ro blem s I ’v e
en co u nte re d is s im ply g ett in g a cce ss t o b oth p arties . B ecau se it o cc a sio n ally
t a k es tim e fo r a p arty to b eco m e cle ar ab ou t it s o w n n eed s, m ed ia to rs
re q u ir e a d eq u ate a cce ss i n o rd er f o r b oth p arties t o ex pres s, a n d t h en r e cei ve
ea ch o th er’s n eed s. O en tim es, w hat w e hear fr o m s o m eo n e in c o n ic t is :
“ N o, t h ere ’s n o u se t a lk in g— th ey w on’t li s ten . I ’v e tr ie d t o t a lk a n d it d oes n’t
w ork .”
T o so lv e th is p ro ble m I’v e so u gh t str a te g ies to res olv e co n ic ts w her e
peo p le in c o n ic t a re u nw illi n g t o m eet . O ne m ethod t h at s h ow s p ro m is in g
re su lt s re li e s on th e u se of an au dio re co rd er . I w ork w it h ea ch p arty
s e p ara te ly w hile p la y in g t h e r o le o f t h e oth er s id e. I f t h er e are tw o p eo p le in
o u r o w n l i v es w ho a re i n t o o m uch p ain t o b e w illi n g t o m eet , t h is w ou ld b e
an o p tio n f o r u s t o c o n sid er.
A s a n e x am ple , a w om an w as s u ff erin g h eav ily fr o m a c o n ic t w it h h er
hu sb an d, p artic u la rly f r o m t h e w ay h e w as d ir e ctin g a n ger t o w ard h er . F ir st,
I li s te n ed in a w ay th at s u pp orte d h er to c le arly e x p res s h er n eed s a n d to
e x p erie n ce b ein g re ce iv ed w it h res pectfu l u n der sta n din g. en, I to ok o n
th e r o le o f h er h u sb an d, a n d a sk ed h er t o li s ten t o m e as I ex pres se d w hat I
g u ess e d t o b e t h e h u sb an d’s n eed s.
e n eed s o f t h e c o n ic tin g p arties h av in g b een c le arly c o n vey ed i n t h is
r o le -p la y, I a sk ed t h e w om an t o s h are th e re co rd in g w it h h er h u sb an d f o r h is
r e a ctio n .
B ecau se I h ad , in th is ca se , b een acc u ra te in g u es sin g th e hu sb an d’s
n eed s, h e e x p erie n ce d h u ge r e li ef w hen li s ten in g t o t h e re co rd in g. W it h t h e
in cre a se d t r u st t h at c a m e f r o m h earin g h im se lf u n der sto od , h e la ter a g re ed
to c o m e in s o w e c o u ld w ork to geth er u ntil t h e tw o o f t h em fo u n d w ay s o f
m eetin g t h eir n eed s i n m utu ally r es pectfu l w ay s.
W hen th e h ard est th in g a b ou t r es olv in g a c o n ic t is g et tin g th e parties
t o geth er in th e sa m e ro om , th e use of re co rd ed ro le- pla y s m ay b e th e
an sw er. In fo rm al M ed ia tio n : S tic k in g O ur N ose i n O th er P eo p le ’s
B usin ess
In fo rm al m ed ia tio n is a p oli t e w ay t o r ef er t o m ed ia tin g in s it u atio n s w her e
we’v e n ot b een i n vit e d t o d o s o . I n s o m an y w ord s, w e’r e stic k in g o u r n ose in
o th er p eo p le ’s b u sin ess .
I w as s h op pin g in a g ro ce ry s to re on e d ay w hen I s a w a w om an s tr ik e
h er t o d d le r. S h e w as a b ou t t o d o it a g ain w hen I ju m ped in . S h e did n’t a sk ,
“M arsh all, w ou ld y o u m ed ia te b et ween u s? ” A noth er t im e I w as w alk in g in
t h e str e ets o f P aris ; a w om an w as w alk in g alo n gsid e me when a ra th er
in eb ria te d m an r a n u p f r o m b eh in d, t u rn ed h er a ro u n d, a n d s la p p ed h er in
t h e f a ce. A s t h ere w asn ’t t im e f o r m e to t a lk w it h t h is m an , I r es orte d t o t h e
pro te c tiv e u se o f fo rc e b y r e str a in in g h im ju st a s h e was a b ou t t o s tr ik e her
ag ain . I in se rte d m yse lf betw een th e tw o, an d stu ck m y n ose in th ei r
bu sin ess . O n a n oth er o cc a sio n , d u rin g a b u sin es s m eet in g, I w atc h ed tw o
fa ctio n s in a r e p etit io u s e x ch an ge, a rg u in g b ack a n d fo rth o ver a n a g e- old
i s su e a n d a g ain I s tu ck m y n ose i n b et ween t h em .
When w e w it n ess b eh av io rs th at ra is e co n ce rn in u s— un les s it is a
sit u atio n t h at c a lls f o r t h e p ro te ctiv e use of f o rc e a s d es crib ed in C hap te r 1 2
— th e rst t h in g w e d o is t o e m path iz e w it h t h e need s o f t h e per so n w ho is
b eh av in g in th e w ay w e d is li k e. In th e rst sit u atio n , if w e wan te d to se e
m ore v io le n ce d ir e c te d a t t h e t o d d le r, w e co u ld , in ste a d o f o ff erin g em path y
to th e m oth er, s a y s o m eth in g to im ply th at s h e was w ro n g to h it th e ch ild .
Su ch a r e sp on se o n o u r p art w ou ld o n ly es ca la te t h e sit u atio n .
W e n eed t o b e w ell p ra ctic e d a t h ea rin g t h e n eed i n a n y
m ess a g e.
In o rd er t o b e t r u ly h elp fu l t o p eo p le in w hose bu sin es s w e a re stic k in g
ou r n ose w e n eed to h av e d ev elo p ed a n ex ten siv e li t er acy r eg ard in g n eed s,
a n d b e w ell p ra ctic e d a t h earin g t h e need i n a n y m essa g e, i n clu din g t h e need
u n dern eath t h e a ct o f s la p pin g a n oth er p er so n . A nd w e n eed t o b e pra ctic e d
in v erb al e m path y su ch th at th e peo p le sen se th at w e are co n necte d w it h
t h eir n eed . We n eed to r e m em ber, w hen w e ch oose to s tic k o u r n ose in s o m eo n e’s
b u sin ess , it ’s n ot e n ou gh t o s im ply s u pp ort s o m eo n e to g et i n t o u ch w it h h is
o r h er o w n n eed s. W e a im to p ra ctic e a ll th e oth er ste p s c o ver ed in th is
c h ap te r. F or e x am ple , a er e m path iz in g, w e m ay te ll th e to d d ler ’s m oth er
th at w e c a re a b ou t s a fe ty a n d h av e a n eed t o p ro te ct p eo p le , a n d t h en r e q u es t
her w illi n gn ess t o t r y a n oth er s tr a teg y t o m eet h er n eed w it h h er c h ild .
W e re fr a in , h ow ev er, fr o m m en tio n in g o u r o w n n eed s reg ard in g th e
p ers o n’s b eh av io r u ntil it i s c le ar t o t h em t h at w e u n dersta n d a n d c a re ab ou t
his o r h er n eed s. O th erw is e p eo p le w ill n ot c a re ab ou t o u r n eed s n or w ill
t h ey s e e th at th eir n eed s a n d o u rs a re on e an d th e sa m e. A s ex pres se d s o
b eau tif u lly b y A li c e W alk er i n e C olo r P urp le: “ O ne d ay w hen I w as s it t in g
qu ie t a n d fe eli n g li k e a m oth erles s c h ild , w hic h I w as, it c o m e to m e: th at
fe eli n g o f b ein g p art o f e v ery th in g, n ot s ep ara te a t a ll. I k n ew t h at if I c u t a
t r e e, m y a rm w ou ld b le ed .”
U nle ss w e m ak e s u re th at b oth s id es a re aw are of th ei r o w n a s w ell a s
ea ch o th er’s n eed s, it w ill b e h ard fo r u s t o s u cce ed w hen w e s tic k o u r n ose
in o th er p eo p le ’s b u sin ess . W e a re l i k ely t o g et c au gh t u p i n s c a rc it y t h in kin g
— se ein g o n ly th e im porta n ce o f o u r o w n n eed s b ei ng m et. W hen s c a rc it y
t h in kin g th en g ets m ix ed w it h rig h t- a n d-w ro n g th in kin g, an y o f u s ca n
b eco m e m ili t a n t an d vio le n t, an d bli n ded to ev en th e most obvio u s
so lu tio n s. A t t h at p oin t, t h e c o n ic t s e em s u n res olv ab le— an d i t w ill b e if w e
don’t co n nec t w it h th e oth er p er so n by rst off erin g em path y w it h ou t
fo cu sin g o n o u r o w n n eed s. Su m mary
e use of N VC to re so lv e co n ic t diff er s fr o m tr a d it io n al m ed ia tio n
m eth od s; in ste a d of deli b era tin g over is su es, str a te g ies , an d m ean s of
co m pro m is e , w e co n ce n tr a te fo rem ost o n id en tif y in g th e need s o f b oth
p artie s, a n d o n ly t h en s e ek s tr a teg ies t o f u l ll t h ose need s.
W e s ta rt b y f o rg in g a h u m an c o n nec tio n b et ween t h e parties i n c o n ic t.
en w e e n su re t h at b oth p artie s h av e th e op p ortu n it y t o f u lly e x p res s t h ei r
need s, t h at t h ey c a re fu lly li s te n t o t h e o th er p ers o n’s n eed s, a n d t h at o n ce t h e
n eed s h av e b een h eard , th ey cle arly ex p res s d oab le actio n step s to m eet
th ose n eed s. W e a v o id ju dgin g o r a n aly zin g t h e co n ic t a n d in ste a d r em ain
f o cu se d o n n eed s.
W hen o n e p arty is in to o m uch p ain to h ear t h e need s o f t h e oth er , w e
ex te n d e m path y, t a k in g a s l o n g a s n ece ss a ry t o en su re th at t h e per so n k n ow s
th eir p ain is h eard . W e d o n ot h ear “n o” a s a rej ectio n b u t ra th er a s a n
ex p re ss io n o f th e n eed th at is k eep in g th e per so n fr o m s a y in g “ y es .” O nly
a er a ll n eed s h av e b een m utu ally h eard , d o w e pro gres s to th e so lu tio n s
sta g e: m ak in g d oab le r e q u ests u sin g p osit iv e, a ctio n l a n gu ag e.
W hen w e a ssu m e th e ro le o f m ed ia tin g a c o n ic t b et ween tw o o th er
partie s, th e sa m e p rin cip le s ap p ly . In ad dit io n , w e keep ca ref ul tr a ck o f
p ro gre ss , e x te n d e m path y w here n eed ed , k eep th e co n ver sa tio n fo cu se d o n
th e p re se n t, m ovin g it fo rw ard , a n d in ter ru ptin g w her e neces sa ry to r et urn
to t h e p ro ce ss .
W it h th ese to ols a n d u n dersta n din g, w e ca n p ra ctic e a n d h elp o th er s
re so lv e e v en l o n g-s ta n din g c o n ic ts t o t h ei r m utu al s a tis fa ctio n . 12
e P ro te ctiv e U se o f F orc e W
When t h e U se o f F orc e I s U nav o id ab le
h en tw o d is p u tin g p artie s h av e ea ch h ad an o p p ortu n it y to fu lly
e x p re ss w hat t h ey a re o b se rv in g, fe eli n g, n eed in g, a n d r e q u es tin g—
an d ea ch has em path iz e d w it h th e oth er — a res olu tio n ca n usu ally be
re a ch ed th at m eets th e n eed s o f b oth s id es . A t th e ver y le a st, th e tw o c a n
a g re e, i n g o od w ill, t o d is a g re e.
In s o m e s it u atio n s, h ow ev er, t h e o p p ortu n it y f o r s u ch d ia lo gu e m ay n ot
ex is t, a n d th e u se o f fo rc e m ay b e neces sa ry to p ro te ct li f e or in div id u al
rig h ts . F or in sta n ce, th e o th er p arty m ay b e unw illi n g to c o m mun ic ate , o r
im min en t dan ger m ay not allo w tim e fo r co m mun ic atio n . In th es e
sit u atio n s, w e m ay n eed to re so rt to fo rc e. If w e d o, N VC re q u ir es u s to
d iff ere n tia te b etw een t h e p ro te c tiv e an d t h e pu n it iv e uses o f f o rc e. e in kin g B eh in d t h e U se o f F orc e
e in te n tio n b eh in d th e p ro te ctiv e use of fo rc e is to p re v en t in ju ry o r
in ju stic e. e in te n tio n beh in d th e pu n it iv e use of fo rc e is to cau se
in div id u als to su ff er fo r th eir p er ce iv ed m is d eed s. W hen w e gra b a c h ild
w ho is r u n nin g in to th e s tr e et to p re v en t th e ch ild fr o m b ei ng in ju re d , w e
are a p p ly in g p ro te c tiv e fo rc e. e pu n it iv e use of fo rc e, o n th e oth er h an d,
m ig h t i n vo lv e p hysic a l o r p sy ch olo gic a l a tt a ck , s u ch a s s p an kin g t h e ch ild o r
sa y in g, “ H ow c o u ld y o u b e s o s tu pid ! Y ou s h ou ld b e ash am ed o f y o u rs e lf !”
W hen w e e x erc is e t h e p ro te c tiv e u se of f o rc e, w e a re fo cu sin g o n t h e li f e
o r r ig h ts w e w an t t o p ro te c t, w it h ou t p ass in g ju dgm en t o n ei th er t h e per so n
or th e b eh av io r. W e a re n ot b la m in g o r c o n dem nin g th e ch ild w ho r u sh es
in to th e str e et; o u r th in kin g is s o le ly d ir e cte d to w ard p ro te ctin g th e ch ild
f r o m d an ger. (F or a p p li c atio n o f th is k in d o f fo rc e in so cia l a n d p oli t ic a l
co n ic ts , s e e R ob ert I r w in ’s b o ok, B uild in g a P ea ce Syste m .) e a ssu m ptio n
b eh in d t h e p ro te c tiv e u se o f f o rc e is t h at p eo p le beh av e in w ay s in ju rio u s t o
t h em se lv es an d oth ers du e to so m e fo rm of ig n ora n ce. e co rre ctiv e
p ro ce ss is th ere fo re o n e o f e d u catio n , n ot p u n is h m en t. Ig n ora n ce in clu des
(1 ) a l a ck o f a w are n ess o f t h e c o n se q u en ce s o f o u r a ctio n s, ( 2 ) a n i n ab ili t y t o
s e e h ow o u r n eed s m ay b e m et w it h ou t in ju ry to o th er s, ( 3 ) th e beli ef th at
w e h av e t h e r ig h t t o p u n is h o r h u rt o th er s b ecau se th ey “ d eser ve” it , a n d ( 4 )
d elu sio n al t h in kin g t h at i n vo lv es, f o r ex am ple , h earin g a v o ic e t h at i n str u cts
u s t o k ill s o m eo n e.
e in te n tio n b eh in d t h e p ro te ctiv e u se o f f o rc e is o n ly
t o p ro te ct, n ot t o p u n is h , b la m e, o r c o n dem n.
Pun it iv e actio n , o n th e o th er h an d, is b ase d o n th e assu m ptio n th at
p eo p le c o m mit o ff en se s b ecau se th ey a re bad o r e v il, a n d to c o rre ct th e
sit u atio n , t h ey n eed to b e m ad e to r ep ent. eir “ c o rre ctio n” is u n der ta k en
th ro u gh p u n it iv e a ctio n d esig n ed t o m ak e th em ( 1 ) s u ff er en ou gh t o s e e th e
erro r o f t h eir w ay s, ( 2 ) r e p en t, a n d ( 3 ) c h an ge. I n p ra ctic e, h ow ev er , p u n it iv e
actio n , ra th er th an ev o kin g re p en ta n ce an d le arn in g, is ju st as li k ely to gen era te re se n tm en t a n d h ostili t y a n d to rei nfo rc e res is ta n ce to th e ver y
beh av io r w e a re s e ek in g. Typ es o f P un it iv e F orc e
P hysic a l p u n is h m en t, s u ch a s s p an kin g, is o n e pu n it iv e use of fo rc e. I h av e
fo u n d th e su bje c t o f co rp ora l p u n is h m en t to p ro vo ke str o n g sen tim en ts
a m on g p are n ts . S o m e a d am an tly d efen d t h e pra ctic e, r ef er rin g t o t h e Bib le:
“ S p are th e ro d , sp oil th e ch ild . It’s becau se paren ts don’t sp an k th at
d eli n qu en cy is now ra m pan t.” ey are per su ad ed th at sp an kin g ou r
ch ild re n s h ow s t h at w e lo ve t h em b y s e tt in g c le ar b ou n daries . O th er p aren ts
a re eq u ally in sis te n t th at sp an kin g is u n lo vin g an d in eff ectiv e becau se it
t e a ch es c h ild re n th at, w hen a ll e ls e fa ils , w e c a n a lw ay s res ort to p hysic a l
v io le n ce.
M y p ers o n al c o n ce rn is t h at c h ild ren ’s f e ar o f c o rp ora l p u n is h m en t m ay
o b sc u re t h eir a w are n ess o f t h e c o m pass io n t h at u n der li es p aren ta l d em an ds.
P are n ts o en t e ll m e t h at t h ey “ h av e to ” u se pu n it iv e fo rc e b ecau se th ey s e e
n o o th er w ay t o in u en ce t h eir c h ild ren t o d o “ w hat’s g o o d f o r t h em .” ey
su pp ort t h eir o p in io n w it h a n ecd otes o f c h ild ren e x p res sin g a p pre cia tio n f o r
“s e ein g t h e li g h t” a er h av in g b een p u n is h ed . H av in g r a is e d f o u r c h ild ren , I
e m path iz e d eep ly w it h p are n ts reg ard in g th e daily c h allen ges th ey fa ce in
e d u catin g c h ild re n a n d k eep in g t h em s a fe . is d oes n ot, h ow ev er , l es sen m y
co n ce rn a b ou t t h e u se o f p hysic a l p u n is h m en t.
F ea r of co rp ora l pu n is h m en t ob sc u re s ch ild re n ’s
a w are n ess o f th e c o m passio n u n derly in g th eir p are n ts ’
d em an ds.
F ir st, I w on der w heth er p eo p le who p ro cla im th e su cces ses o f su ch
p u n is h m en t are aw are of th e co u ntles s in sta n ce s of ch ild ren w ho tu rn
a g ain st w hat m ig h t b e g o od fo r th em s im ply b ecau se th ey c h oose to gh t,
r a th er t h an s u cc u m b, t o c o erc io n . S eco n d, t h e ap p aren t s u cces s o f c o rp ora l
p u n is h m en t in in u en cin g a ch ild d oes n’t m ean th at o th er m ethod s o f
in u en ce w ou ld n’t h av e w ork ed e q u ally w ell. F in ally , I s h are th e co n cer ns o f
m an y p are n ts a b ou t t h e s o cia l c o n se q u en ce s o f u sin g p hysic a l p u n is h m en t.
W hen p are n ts o p t t o u se f o rc e, w e m ay w in t h e batt le of g ett in g c h ild ren t o do w hat w e w an t, b u t, i n t h e p ro ce ss , a re we not p er pet uatin g a s o cia l n orm
th at j u sti es v io le n ce a s a m ean s o f r es olv in g d iff er en ce s?
In ad dit io n to th e physic a l, oth er uses of fo rc e als o qu ali f y as
p u n is h m en t. O ne is th e u se of bla m e to d is c re d it an oth er p er so n ; fo r
ex am ple , a p are n t m ay la b el a ch ild as “w ro n g,” “s e l sh ,” o r “im matu re ”
w hen a c h ild d oesn ’t b eh av e i n a c er ta in w ay. A noth er f o rm o f p u n it iv e fo rc e
is t h e w it h hold in g o f s o m e m ean s o f g ra ti catio n , s u ch a s p aren ts ’ c u rta ili n g
allo w an ce s o r d riv in g p riv ile g es. In th is v ei n, th e wit h dra w al o f c a rin g o r
re sp ec t i s o n e o f t h e m ost p ow erfu l t h re ats o f a ll.
P un is h m en t a ls o in clu des ju dgm en ta l la b eli n g a n d th e
w it h hold in g o f p riv ile g es. e C osts o f P un is h m en t
W hen w e su bm it to d oin g so m ethin g so le ly fo r th e pu rp ose of av o id in g
pu n is h m en t, o u r a tt e n tio n is d is tr a cte d fr o m th e valu e of th e actio n it s e lf .
I n ste a d , w e a re fo cu sin g u p on th e co n se q u en ce s, o n w hat m ig h t h ap p en if
w e f a il t o t a k e t h at a ctio n . I f a w ork er ’s p er fo rm an ce is p ro m pte d b y fe ar o f
p u n is h m en t, th e jo b gets don e, bu t m ora le su ff ers ; so on er or la ter ,
pro du ctiv it y w ill d ecre a se . S elf - es te em is als o d im in is h ed w hen p u n it iv e
fo rc e is u se d . If ch ild re n b ru sh th ei r te et h b ecau se th ey fe ar sh am e an d
rid ic u le , th eir o ra l h ea lt h m ay im pro ve bu t th ei r se lf - r es pect w ill d ev elo p
cav it ie s. F u rth erm ore , as w e all k n ow , p u n is h m en t is co stly in ter m s o f
go od w ill. e m ore w e a re s e en a s a g en ts o f p u n is h m en t, t h e hard er it i s f o r
o th ers t o r e sp on d c o m pass io n ate ly t o o u r n eed s.
W hen w e fe a r p u n is h m en t, w e fo cu s o n c o n se q u en ce s,
n ot o n o u r o w n v a lu es.
F ea r of pu n is h m en t dim in is h es se lf - e ste em an d
go od w ill.
I w as v is it in g a fr ie n d, a s c h ool p rin cip al, a t h is o ffi ce when h e notic e d
th ro u gh t h e w in dow a b ig c h ild h it t in g a s m aller o n e. “ E xcu se m e,” h e sa id
a s h e le ap t u p a n d r u sh ed to th e pla y g ro u n d. G ra b bin g th e la rg er c h ild , h e
gav e h im a sw at a n d sc o ld ed , “I’l l te a ch y o u n ot to h it sm aller p eo p le! ”
W hen th e p rin cip al r e tu rn ed in sid e, I r em ark ed , “ I d on’t th in k y o u ta u gh t
th at ch ild w hat yo u th ou gh t yo u w er e te a ch in g h im . I su sp ect w hat h e
le arn ed in ste a d w as n ot to h it p eo p le sm aller th an h e is w hen so m eb o d y
big ger— li k e th e p rin cip al— mig h t b e watc h in g! If a n yth in g, it s e em s to m e
th at y o u h av e r e in fo rc e d t h e n otio n t h at t h e way t o g et w hat y o u w an t f r o m
so m eb o d y e ls e i s t o h it t h em .”
I n s u ch s it u atio n s, I r e co m men d rst em path iz in g w it h t h e ch ild w ho is
b eh av in g v io le n tly . F or e x am ple , if I sa w a c h ild h it so m eo n e a er b ei ng
ca lle d a n am e, I m ig h t e m path iz e, “ I’m se n sin g th at y o u ’r e fe eli n g a n gry
b ecau se y o u ’d li k e to b e tr e ate d w it h m ore res pect.” If I g u es se d c o rre ctly , an d th e ch ild ack n ow le d ges th is to b e tr u e, I w ou ld th en co n tin u e by
ex p re ss in g m y o w n fe eli n gs, n ee d s, a n d re q u es ts in th e sit u atio n w it h ou t
in sin u atin g b la m e: “I’m fe eli n g sa d b ecau se I w an t u s to n d w ay s to g et
re sp ec t t h at d on’t t u rn p eo p le i n to en em ies . I ’d li k e yo u t o t e ll m e if y o u ’d b e
w illi n g to ex p lo re w it h m e so m e oth er w ay s to get th e res pect yo u ’r e
w an tin g.” Tw o Q uestio n s at R ev ea l t h e L im it a tio n s o f P un is h m en t
Tw o q u estio n s h elp u s s e e w hy w e a re un li k ely t o g et w hat w e w an t b y u sin g
pu n is h m en t to c h an ge p eo p le ’s b eh av io r. e rst q u es tio n is : W hat d o I
w an t t h is p erso n t o d o t h at’s d iff ere n t f r o m w hat h e or s h e is c u rre n tly d oin g? I f
w e a sk o n ly t h is rst q u estio n , p u n is h m en t m ay s e em e ff ectiv e, b ecau se th e
th re at o r e x erc is e o f p u n it iv e fo rc e m ay w ell in u en ce s o m eo n e’s b eh av io r.
H ow ev er, w it h t h e s e co n d q u estio n , i t b eco m es e v id en t t h at p u n is h m en t i s n ’t
l i k ely t o w ork : W hat d o I w an t t h is p erso n’s r e a so n s t o b e fo r d oin g w hat I ’m
a sk in g?
W e s e ld om a d dre ss t h e la tt e r q u es tio n , b u t w hen w e do, w e so on r e a li z e
th at p u n is h m en t an d re w ard in ter fer e wit h p eo p le ’s ab ili t y to d o th in gs
m otiv ate d b y t h e r e a so n s w e’d li k e th em t o h av e. I b eli e v e it is c rit ic a l t o b e
aw are o f t h e im porta n ce o f p eo p le ’s r e a so n s f o r b eh av in g a s w e r e q u es t. F or
ex am ple , b la m in g o r p u n is h in g w ou ld o bvio u sly n ot b e eff ectiv e str a teg ies i f
w e w an t c h ild re n to c le an th eir r o om s o u t o f ei th er a d es ir e fo r o rd er o r a
d esir e to co n tr ib u te to th eir p aren ts ’ en jo ym en t o f o rd er . O en ch ild ren
c le an t h eir r o om s m otiv ate d b y o b ed ien ce to a u th orit y ( “ B ecau se m y M om
sa id s o ”), a v o id an ce o f p u n is h m en t, o r f e ar o f u p set tin g o r b ei ng r ej ecte d b y
p are n ts . N VC, h ow ev er, fo ste rs a le v el o f m ora l d ev elo p m en t b ase d o n
au to n om y a n d in te rd ep en den ce, w her eb y w e a ck n ow le d ge r es pon sib ili t y f o r
o u r o w n a ctio n s a n d a re a w are th at o u r o w n w ell- b ei ng a n d th at o f o th er s
are o n e a n d t h e s a m e.
Q uestio n 1 : W hat d o I w an t t h is p erso n t o do?
Q uestio n 2 : W hat d o I w an t t h is p erso n’s r e a so n s t o b e
fo r d oin g i t ? e P ro te ctiv e U se o f F orc e i n S ch ools
I ’d li k e to d esc rib e h ow s o m e s tu den ts a n d I u se d p ro te ctiv e fo rc e to b rin g
ord er in to a ch ao tic sit u atio n at an alt er nativ e sc h ool. is sc h ool w as
d esig n ed fo r stu den ts w ho had dro p p ed ou t or been ex p elle d fr o m
co n ven tio n al c la ss ro om s. e a d m in is tr a tio n a n d I h op ed to d em on str a te
t h at a s c h ool b ase d o n th e p rin cip les o f N VC w ou ld b e ab le to r e a ch th es e
stu den ts . M y jo b w as to tr a in th e fa cu lt y in N VC a n d s er ve as c o n su lt a n t
over th e y ear. W it h o n ly fo u r d ay s to p rep are th e fa cu lt y , I w as u n ab le to
s u ffi cie n tly cla rif y th e d iff ere n ce bet ween N VC a n d p er m is s iv en ess. A s a
re su lt , s o m e t e a ch ers w ere i g n orin g, r a th er t h an i n ter ven in g i n , s it u atio n s o f
co n ic t a n d d is tu rb in g b eh av io r. B es ieg ed b y in cre a sin g p an dem on iu m , t h e
ad m in is tr a to rs w ere n early r e a d y t o s h u t d ow n t h e sc h ool.
W hen I r e q u este d t o t a lk w it h t h e stu den ts w ho h ad c o n tr ib u te d m ost t o
t h e t u rb u le n ce, t h e p rin cip al s e le c te d ei gh t b oys, a g es e le v en t o f o u rte en , t o
m eet w it h m e. e fo llo w in g a re e x ce rp ts f r o m t h e dia lo gu e I h ad w it h t h e
stu den ts .
M BR : (e x p re ssin g m y f e eli n g a n d n eed s w it h ou t a sk in g p ro b in g q u estio n s)
I’m v ery u p se t a b ou t t h e t e a ch ers’ r ep orts t h at t h in gs a re gett in g o u t
of h an d i n m an y o f t h e c la ss e s. I w an t v er y m uch f o r t h is s c h ool t o
b e s u cce ss fu l. I ’m h op efu l t h at y o u c a n h elp m e un der sta n d w hat
th e p ro ble m s a re a n d w hat c a n b e don e a b ou t t h em .
Will: e t e a ch ers i n t h is s c h ool— th ey f o ols , m an !
M BR : A re y o u s a y in g, W ill, t h at y o u a re d is g u ste d w it h t h e te a ch er s a n d
yo u w an t t h em t o c h an ge s o m e t h in gs t h ey d o?
W ill: N o, m an , t h ey i s f o ols b ecau se t h ey j u st s ta n d a ro u n d a n d d on’t d o
n oth in ’.
M BR : You m ean y o u ’r e d is g u ste d b ecau se yo u w an t t h em t o d o m ore
w hen p ro ble m s h ap p en . ( is i s a s e co n d a tte m pt t o r e ce iv e th e
fe eli n gs a n d w an ts .)
W ill: at’s r ig h t, m an . N o m att e r w hat a n yb o d y d o t h ey j u st s ta n d t h er e
sm ili n ’ l i k e f o ols .
M BR : W ou ld y o u b e w illi n g t o g iv e m e a n ex am ple of h ow t h e te a ch er s d o noth in g?
W ill: E asy . J u st t h is m orn in g a d u de w alk s i n w earin ’ a b ott le of W ild
T u rk ey o n h is h ip p ock et p la in a s d ay. E ver yb o d y s e en i t ; t h e
te a ch er, s h e s e en i t b u t s h e’s l o okin ’ t h e oth er w ay.
M BR : It s o u n ds t o m e, t h en , t h at y o u d on’t h av e res pect f o r t h e te a ch er s
when t h ey s ta n d a ro u n d d oin g n oth in g. Y ou ’d l i k e t h em t o d o
so m eth in g. ( is i s a c o n tin u ed a tte m pt t o f u lly u n dersta n d.)
W ill: Y ea h .
M BR : I f e el d is a p p oin te d b ecau se I w an t t h em t o b e ab le to w ork t h in gs
o u t w it h s tu den ts , b u t i t s o u n ds l i k e I w asn ’t a b le to s h ow t h em
w hat I m ean t.
e d is c u ss io n t h en t u rn ed t o o n e partic u la rly p res sin g p ro blem : t h at o f
stu den ts w ho d id n’t w an t t o w ork d is tu rb in g t h ose w ho d id .
M BR : I’m a n xio u s t o t r y t o s o lv e t h is p ro blem b ecau se th e te a ch er s t e ll m e
it ’s t h e o n e t h at b oth ers t h em t h e m ost. I w ou ld a p pre cia te y o u r
sh arin g w hate v er i d ea s y o u h av e w it h m e.
Jo e: e t e a ch er g o t t o g et a r a tt a n (a s tic k c o vere d w it h l e a th er t h at w as
ca rrie d b y s o m e prin cip als i n S t. L ou is t o a d m in is te r c o rp ora l
pu nis h m en t) .
M BR : So y o u ’r e s a y in g, J o e, t h at y o u w an t t h e te a ch er s t o h it s tu den ts
w hen t h ey b oth er o th ers .
Jo e: at’s t h e o n ly w ay s tu den ts g o n na s to p p la y in g t h e fo ol.
M BR : (still t r y in g t o r e ce iv e Jo e’s f e eli n gs) S o y o u d ou bt t h at a n y o th er w ay
w ou ld w ork .
Jo e: (n od s a gre e m en t)
M BR : I’m d is c o u ra g ed i f t h at’s t h e o n ly w ay. I h ate t h at w ay o f s et tli n g
th in gs a n d w an t t o l e arn o th er w ay s.
E d: W hy?
M BR : Sev era l r e a so n s. L ik e i f I g et y o u t o s to p h ors in g a ro u n d i n s c h ool
by u sin g t h e r a tt a n , I ’d l i k e y o u t o t e ll m e w hat h ap p en s i f t h re e or
fo u r o f y o u t h at I ’v e h it i n c la ss a re ou t b y m y c a r w hen I g o h om e. Ed: (sm ili n g) en y o u b ett e r h av e a b ig s tic k , m an !
M BR : (F eeli n g c e rta in I u n dersto od E d’s m ess a ge an d c e rta in h e kn ew I
u n dersto od , I c o n tin u e w it h ou t p ara ph ra sin g i t .) at’s w hat I m ean .
I’d l i k e y o u t o s e e I ’m b oth ere d a b ou t t h at w ay o f s et tli n g t h in gs. I ’m
t o o a b se n tm in ded t o a lw ay s r e m em ber t o c a rr y a b ig s tic k , a n d
ev en i f I r e m em bere d , I w ou ld h ate t o h it s o m eo n e w it h i t .
E d: You c o u ld k ic k t h e c at o u t o f s c h ool.
M BR : You ’r e s u ggestin g, E d, t h at y o u w ou ld l i k e u s t o s u sp en d o r ex pel
k id s f r o m t h e s c h ool?
E d: Yea h .
M BR : I’m d is c o u ra g ed w it h t h at i d ea , t o o. I w an t t o s h ow t h at t h er e are
o th er w ay s o f s o lv in g d iff ere n ce s i n s c h ool w it h ou t k ic k in g p eo p le
o u t. I ’d f e el l i k e a f a ilu re i f t h at w as t h e bes t w e co u ld d o.
W ill: I f a d u de a in ’t d oin ’ n oth in ’, h ow c o m e yo u c a n ’t p u t h im i n a d o-
n oth in ’ r o om ?
M BR : A re y o u s u ggestin g, W ill, t h at y o u w ou ld l i k e t o h av e a r o om t o
s e n d p eo p le t o i f t h ey b oth er o th er s tu den ts ?
W ill: at’s r ig h t. N o u se t h ey b ein ’ i n c la ss i f t h ey a in ’t d oin ’ n oth in ’.
M BR : I’m v ery i n te re ste d i n t h at i d ea . I ’d l i k e t o h ear h ow y o u t h in k s u ch a
r o om m ig h t w ork .
W ill: S o m etim es y o u c o m e t o s c h ool a n d j u st f e el e v il: y o u d on’t w an t t o
d o n oth in ’. S o w e j u st h av e a r o om s tu den ts g o t o t ill t h ey f e el l i k e
d oin ’ s o m eth in ’.
M BR : I u n dersta n d w hat y o u a re s a y in g, b u t I ’m a n tic ip atin g t h at t h e
te a ch er w ill b e c o n ce rn ed a b ou t w het her t h e stu den ts w ill g o
w illi n gly t o t h e d o-n oth in g r o om .
W ill: ( c o n fi den tly ) ey ’l l g o .
I s a id I t h ou gh t t h e p la n m ig h t w ork if w e co u ld s h ow t h at t h e pu rp ose
w as n ot t o p u n is h , b u t t o p ro vid e a p la ce to g o fo r t h ose who w er en ’t r e a d y
to stu dy, a n d sim ult a n eo u sly a c h an ce to stu dy fo r th ose who w an te d to
s tu dy. I a ls o su ggeste d th at a d o-n oth in g ro om w ou ld b e more li k ely to
s u cce ed if it w as k n ow n to b e a p ro du ct o f stu den t b ra in sto rm in g ra th er
th an s ta ff d ecre e. A d o-n oth in g r o om w as s e t u p fo r s tu den ts w ho w er e up set a n d d id n’t
f e el li k e d oin g sc h oolw ork o r w hose beh av io r k ep t o th er s fr o m le arn in g.
S o m etim es s tu den ts a sk ed to g o ; s o m etim es te a ch er s a sk ed s tu den ts to g o .
W e p la ce d t h e t e a ch er w ho h ad b es t m aster ed N VC i n t h e do-n oth in g r o om ,
where s h e h ad s o m e v ery p ro du ctiv e ta lk s w it h th e ch ild ren w ho c a m e in .
is s e t- u p w as a n i m men se s u cce ss i n r es to rin g o rd er t o t h e sc h ool b ecau se
th e s tu den ts w ho d ev is e d it m ad e it s p u rp ose cle ar t o t h ei r p eer s: t o p ro te ct
th e r ig h ts o f s tu den ts w ho w an te d to le arn . W e use d th e dia lo gu e wit h th e
stu den ts to d em on str a te to th e te a ch er s th at th er e wer e oth er m ean s o f
re so lv in g c o n ic ts b esid es w it h dra w al fr o m th e co n ic t o r u sin g p u n it iv e
fo rc e. Su m mary
In s it u atio n s w here th ere is n o o p p ortu n it y fo r c o m mun ic atio n , s u ch a s in
i n sta n ce s o f i m min en t d an ger, w e m ay n eed t o r es ort t o t h e pro te ctiv e use of
fo rc e. e i n te n tio n b eh in d t h e p ro te ctiv e use of f o rc e i s t o p re v en t i n ju ry o r
in ju stic e, n ev er t o p u n is h o r t o c au se in div id u als t o s u ff er, r ep ent, o r c h an ge.
e pu n it iv e use of fo rc e te n ds to gen er ate hostili t y an d to rei nfo rc e
re sis ta n ce to th e very beh av io r w e are se ek in g. Pun is h m en t dam ag es
go od w ill a n d s e lf - e ste em , a n d s h i s o u r a tt en tio n f r o m t h e in tr in sic v alu e of
an actio n to ex te rn al co n se q u en ce s. Bla m in g an d pu n is h in g fa il to
c o n tr ib u te t o t h e m otiv atio n s w e w ou ld l i k e t o i n sp ir e in o th er s.
Hum an it y
h as b ee n s le e p in g
— an d s till s le e p s—
lu lle d w it h in t h e
n arro w ly c o n finin g
jo ys o f i t s
c lo se d l o ves.
— Pie rre T eilh ard d e C hard in ,
th eo lo gia n a n d s c ie n tis t 13
Lib era tin g O urse lv es a n d C ou n se li n g O th ers W
Fre ein g O urse lv es F ro m O ld P ro gra m min g
e’v e a ll le arn ed th in gs th at li m it u s a s h u m an b ei ngs, w het her fr o m
w ell- in te n tio n ed p are n ts , te a ch ers , cler gy, o r o th er s. P ass e d d ow n
th ro u gh gen era tio n s, ev en ce n tu ries , m uch of th is des tr u ctiv e cu lt u ra l
le arn in g is s o i n gra in ed i n o u r li v es t h at w e a re no lo n ger c o n sc io u s o f it . I n
o n e o f h is ro u tin es, c o m ed ia n B uddy H ack et t, r a is e d o n h is m oth er ’s r ic h
c o okin g, c la im ed th at h e n ev er re a li z e d it w as p oss ib le to le av e th e ta b le
w it h ou t fe eli n g h eartb u rn u ntil h e was in th e arm y. In th e sa m e way, p ain
e n gen dere d b y d am ag in g c u lt u ra l c o n dit io n in g is su ch a n in teg ra l p art o f
o u r li v es t h at w e c a n n o lo n ger d is tin gu is h it s p res en ce. I t t a k es t r em endou s
en erg y an d aw are n ess to re co gn iz e th is des tr u ctiv e le arn in g an d to
t r a n sfo rm it in to t h ou gh ts a n d b eh av io rs t h at a re of v alu e an d o f s er vic e to
li f e .
is t r a n sfo rm atio n r e q u ir e s a li t er acy o f n eed s a n d t h e ab ili t y t o g et in
t o u ch w it h o u rs e lv es, b oth o f w hic h a re diffi cu lt fo r p eo p le in o u r c u lt u re .
N ot on ly h av e w e n ev er b een ed u cate d ab ou t ou r n eed s, w e are o en
ex p ose d t o c u lt u ra l t r a in in g t h at a ctiv ely b lo ck s o u r c o n sc io u sn es s o f t h em .
As m en tio n ed e arli e r, w e h av e in her it e d a la n gu ag e th at s er ved k in gs a n d
pow erfu l eli t e s in dom in atio n so ciet ies . e mass es , dis c o u ra g ed fr o m
d ev elo p in g a w are n ess o f t h eir o w n n eed s, h av e in ste a d b een e d u cate d t o b e
d ocile an d su bse rv ie n t to au th orit y . O ur cu lt u re im pli es th at n eed s are
n eg ativ e an d d estr u ctiv e; th e w ord need y ap p li e d to a p ers o n su ggests
in ad eq u acy o r im matu rit y . W hen p eo p le ex p res s t h ei r n eed s, t h ey a re o en
la b ele d s e l sh , a n d th e u se o f th e per so n al p ro n ou n I is a t tim es e q u ate d
w it h s e l sh n ess o r n eed in ess .
B y en co u ra g in g us to se p ara te ob ser vatio n an d ev alu atio n , to
a ck n ow le d ge t h e t h ou gh ts o r n ee d s s h ap in g o u r f e eli n gs, a n d t o ex pres s o u r
re q u ests in cle ar actio n la n gu ag e, N VC h ei gh ten s o u r aw aren ess o f th e
cu lt u ra l c o n dit io n in g i n u en cin g u s a t a n y g iv en m om en t. A nd d ra w in g t h is
c o n dit io n in g i n to t h e l i g h t o f c o n sc io u sn ess i s a k ey s te p i n b re a k in g i t s h old
o n u s.
W e c a n l i b era te o u rse lv es f r o m c u lt u ra l c o n dit io n in g. Reso lv in g I n te rn al C on fl ic ts
W e ca n ap p ly N VC to re so lv e th e in ter nal co n ic ts th at o en res ult in
d ep re ss io n . In his bo ok e Rev o lu tio n in Psy ch ia tr y, Ern est Beck er
att r ib u te s d ep re ss io n to “c o gn it iv ely a rres te d a lt er nativ es .” is m ean s th at
w hen w e h av e a ju dgm en ta l d ia lo gu e go in g o n w it h in , w e beco m e ali en ate d
fr o m w hat w e are n eed in g an d ca n not th en act to m eet th ose need s.
D ep re ss io n i s i n dic ativ e o f a s ta te o f a li en atio n f r o m o u r o w n n eed s.
A w om an s tu dyin g N VC w as s u ff er in g a p ro fo u n d b ou t o f d ep res sio n .
Sh e w as ask ed to id en tif y th e v o ic e s w it h in h er w hen sh e fe lt th e most
d ep re ss e d a n d to w rit e th em d ow n in d ia lo gu e fo rm a s th ou gh th ey w er e
sp ea k in g t o e a ch o th er. ese w ere th e rst t w o l i n es o f h er d ia lo gu e:
V oic e 1 (“c a re er w om an ”): I sh ou ld d o so m eth in g m ore wit h m y li f e . I’m
w astin g m y e d u ca tio n a n d t a le n ts .
V oic e 2 ( “ re sp on sib le m oth er” ): Y ou ’r e bein g u nre a li s tic . Y ou ’r e a m oth er o f
tw o c h ild re n a n d c a n’t h an dle t h at r e sp on sib ili t y , s o h ow c a n y o u h an dle
a n yth in g e ls e?
N otic e h ow t h ese i n ner m ess a g es a re in fes te d w it h j u dgm en ta l t e rm s a n d
ph ra se s s u ch a s sh ou ld , w astin g m y e d u ca tio n a n d ta le n ts , a n d ca n’t h an dle .
V aria tio n s o f th is d ia lo gu e h ad b een ru n nin g in th is w om an ’s h ea d fo r
m on th s. S h e w as a sk ed t o i m ag in e th e “c a re er w om an ” v o ic e t a k in g a n “ N VC
pill” in o rd er t o r e sta te it s m ess a g e in t h e fo llo w in g f o rm : “ W hen a, I f e el b,
b ecau se I a m n eed in g c. ere fo re I n ow w ou ld l i k e d .”
S h e su bse q u en tly tr a n sla te d “I sh ou ld d o so m eth in g w it h m y li f e . I’m
w astin g m y e d u catio n a n d ta le n ts ” in to : “ W hen I sp en d a s m uch tim e a t
h om e w it h th e ch ild re n as I d o w it h ou t p ra ctic in g m y p ro fe ss io n , I fe el
d ep re ss e d a n d d is c o u ra g ed beca u se I a m n ee d in g t h e fu l llm en t I o n ce h ad
in m y p ro fe ss io n . ere fo re , I n ow w ou ld li k e to n d p art- tim e w ork in m y
pro fe ss io n .”
en it w as th e tu rn o f h er “ re sp on sib le m oth er ” v o ic e to u n der go th e
sa m e p ro ce ss o f tr a n sla tio n . ese li n es , “ Y ou ’r e bei ng u n re a li s tic . Y ou ’r e a
m oth er o f t w o c h ild re n a n d c a n ’t h an dle t h at r e sp on sib ili t y , s o h ow c a n y o u
h an dle a n yth in g e ls e ?” w ere tr a n sfo rm ed in to : “ W hen I im ag in e g o in g to
w ork , I fe el s c a re d beca u se I’m n eed in g r e a ssu ra n ce t h at t h e c h ild re n w ill b e well t a k en c a re o f. ere fo re , I n ow w ou ld li k e t o p la n h ow t o p ro vid e h ig h -
qu ali t y c h ild c a re w hile I w ork a n d h ow t o n d s u ffi cien t t im e to b e w it h t h e
ch ild re n w hen I a m n ot t ir e d .”
is w om an f e lt g re at r e li e f a s s o on a s s h e tr a n sla te d h er i n ner m essa g es
in to N VC. S h e w as ab le to g et b en eath th e ali en atin g m essa g es sh e was
re p eatin g to h ers e lf an d o ff er h er se lf em path y. A lt h ou gh sh e still fa ce d
p ra ctic a l c h alle n ges, s u ch a s s e c u rin g q u ali t y c h ild c a re an d h er h u sb an d’s
s u pp ort, s h e w as n o lo n ger s u bje c t t o t h e ju dgm en ta l in ter nal d ia lo gu e th at
k ep t h er f r o m b ein g a w are o f h er o w n n eed s.
e ab ili t y to h ea r o u r o w n fe eli n gs an d n eed s an d
em path iz e w it h t h em c a n f r e e u s f r o m d ep re ssio n . Carin g f o r O ur I n ner E nvir o n m en t
W hen w e a re e n ta n gle d in c rit ic a l, b la m in g, o r a n gry t h ou gh ts , it is d iffi cu lt
t o esta b li s h a h ea lt h y in te rn al en vir o n m en t fo r o u rs e lv es . N VC h elp s u s
cre ate a m ore p ea ce fu l s ta te o f m in d b y en co u ra g in g u s t o f o cu s o n w hat w e
are t r u ly w an tin g r a th er t h an o n w hat i s w ro n g w it h o th er s o r o u rs e lv es .
A p artic ip an t o n ce r e p orte d a p ro fo u n d p er so n al b re a k th ro u gh d u rin g a
t h re e-d ay t r a in in g. O ne o f h er g o als f o r t h e w ork sh op w as t o t a k e bet ter c a re
o f h ers e lf , bu t sh e w oke at d aw n th e se co n d m orn in g w it h th e worst
h ea d ach e in re ce n t m em ory. “ N orm ally , th e rst th in g I’d d o w ou ld b e to
a n aly ze w hat I h ad d on e w ro n g. D id I e at t h e wro n g fo od ? D id I let m yse lf
g et str e ss e d -o u t? D id I d o th is ; d id I n ot d o th at? B ut, sin ce I h ad b een
w ork in g o n u sin g N VC t o t a k e b et ter c a re of m yse lf , I a sk ed in ste a d , ‘W hat
d o I n eed t o d o f o r m yse lf r ig h t n ow w it h t h is h ea d ach e? ’
Focu s o n w hat w e w an t to d o ra th er th an w hat w en t
w ro n g.
“I s a t u p a n d d id a lo t o f r e a lly s lo w n eck r o lls , t h en g o t u p a n d w alk ed
a ro u n d, a n d d id o th er th in gs to ta k e ca re of m yse lf rig h t th en in ste a d o f
b eatin g u p o n m yse lf . M y h ea d ach e re la x ed t o t h e poin t w her e I w as a b le to
g o th ro u gh th e d ay ’s w ork sh op. is w as a m ajo r, m ajo r b re a k th ro u gh fo r
m e. W hat I u n dersto od , w hen I em path iz e d w it h th e hea d ach e, w as th at I
h ad n’t g iv en m yse lf e n ou gh a tt e n tio n t h e day b ef ore , a n d t h e hea d ach e w as a
w ay to s a y to m yse lf , ‘I n eed m ore att en tio n .’ I en ded u p g iv in g m yse lf th e
att e n tio n I n eed ed a n d w as t h en a b le to m ak e it t h ro u gh t h e work sh op. I ’v e
h ad h ea d ach es a ll m y li f e , a n d t h is w as a v er y r em ark ab le tu rn in g p oin t fo r
m e.”
A t a n oth er w ork sh op a p artic ip an t a sk ed h ow N VC m ig h t b e use d to
f r e e u s f r o m a n ger- p ro vo kin g m essa g es w hen w e a re driv in g o n t h e fr e e w ay.
is w as a f a m ili a r t o p ic f o r m e! F or y ears m y w ork i n vo lv ed t r a v eli n g b y c a r
a cro ss t h e c o u ntr y, a n d I w as w orn a n d fr a zzle d b y t h e vio len ce- pro vo kin g
m ess a g es ra cin g th ro u gh m y b ra in . E ver yb o d y w ho w asn ’t d riv in g b y m y
sta n dard s w as a n a rc h en em y, a v illa in . ou gh ts s p ew ed th ro u gh m y h ea d : “W hat t h e h ell i s t h e m att e r w it h t h at g u y!? D oes n’t h e ev en w atc h w her e he’s
d riv in g?” I n t h at s ta te o f m in d, a ll I w an te d w as t o p u n is h t h e oth er d riv er s,
a n d s in ce I c o u ld n’t d o th at, th e an ger lo d ged in m y b o d y a n d ex acte d it s
to ll.
E ven tu ally I le arn ed to tr a n sla te m y ju dgm en ts in to fe eli n gs a n d n eed s
an d t o g iv e m yse lf e m path y: “ B oy, I a m p et ri ed w hen p eo p le d riv e l i k e t h at;
I r e a lly w is h th ey w ou ld s e e th e d an ger in w hat th ey a re doin g!” W hew ! I
w as a m aze d h ow I c o u ld c re ate a le ss s tr es sfu l s it u atio n f o r m yse lf b y s im ply
b eco m in g aw are o f w hat I w as fe eli n g an d n eed in g ra th er th an b la m in g
oth ers .
D efu se s tr e ss b y h ea rin g o u r o w n f e eli n gs a n d n eed s.
L ate r I decid ed to pra ctic e em path y to w ard oth er driv er s an d w as
re w ard ed w it h a g ra tif y in g rst ex per ien ce. I w as s tu ck b eh in d a c a r g o in g
fa r b elo w th e s p eed li m it a n d s lo w in g d ow n a t e v er y in ter se ctio n . F u m in g
an d g ru m bli n g, “ at’s n o w ay to d riv e,” I n otic e d th e str es s I w as c au sin g
m yse lf a n d s h i ed m y th in kin g in ste a d to w hat th e oth er d riv er m ig h t b e
fe eli n g a n d n eed in g. I s e n se d t h at t h e per so n w as lo st, f e eli n g c o n fu se d , a n d
w is h in g fo r so m e p atie n ce fr o m th ose of u s fo llo w in g. W hen th e ro ad
w id en ed e n ou gh fo r m e to p ass , I sa w th at th e driv er w as a w om an w ho
lo oked to b e in h er e ig h tie s w it h a n ex pres sio n o f ter ro r o n h er fa ce. I w as
p le a se d t h at m y a tt e m pt a t e m path y h ad k ep t m e fr o m h on kin g t h e horn o r
en gag in g in m y c u sto m ary ta ctic s o f d is p la y in g d is p le a su re to w ard p eo p le
w hose d riv in g b oth ere d m e.
D efu se s tr e ss b y e m path iz in g w it h o th ers. Rep la cin g D ia g n osis W it h N VC
M an y years ag o , a er h av in g ju st in ves te d n in e years o f m y li f e in th e
tr a in in g an d d ip lo m as n ece ss a ry to q u ali f y as a p sy ch oth er ap is t, I ca m e
acro ss a d ia lo gu e b etw een th e Is r a eli p h ilo so p h er M artin B uber an d th e
A m eric a n psy ch olo gis t C arl R ogers in w hic h B uber qu es tio n s w het her
an yo n e c a n d o p sy ch oth era p y in th e ro le of a p sy ch oth er ap is t. B uber w as
v is it in g t h e U nit e d S ta te s a t t h e t im e an d h ad b een in vit e d , a lo n g w it h C arl
R ogers , to a d is c u ss io n a t a m en ta l h osp it a l in fr o n t o f a g ro u p o f m en ta l
h ea lt h p ro fe ss io n als .
In th is d ia lo gu e B uber p osit s th at h u m an gro w th o cc u rs th ro u gh a
m eetin g b etw een tw o in div id u als w ho ex pres s th em se lv es v u ln er ab ly a n d
au th en tic a lly i n w hat h e t e rm ed a n “ I- ou ” re la tio n sh ip . H e d id n ot b eli e v e
th at th is ty p e o f a u th en tic it y w as li k ely to ex is t w hen p eo p le m eet in th e
ro le s o f p sy ch oth era p is t a n d c li en t. R ogers a g re ed th at a u th en tic it y w as a
p re re q u is it e to gro w th . He main ta in ed , how ev er , th at en li g h ten ed
p sy ch oth era p is ts c o u ld c h oose to tr a n sc e n d th ei r o w n ro le an d en co u nter
t h eir c li e n ts a u th en tic a lly .
B uber w as s k ep tic a l. H e w as o f t h e op in io n t h at e v en i f p sy ch oth er ap is ts
w ere c o m mit t e d a n d a b le to r e la te to th ei r c li en ts in a n a u th en tic fa sh io n ,
su ch e n co u nte rs w ou ld b e im poss ib le as lo n g a s c li en ts c o n tin u ed to v ie w
th em se lv es as cli e n ts an d th eir p sy ch oth er ap is ts as p sy ch oth er ap is ts . H e
ob se rv ed h ow th e v ery p ro ce ss o f m ak in g a p p oin tm en ts to s e e so m eo n e at
th eir o ffi ce, an d p ay in g fe es to b e “ xed ,” d im med th e li k eli h ood o f an
au th en tic r e la tio n sh ip d ev elo p in g b et ween t w o p er so n s.
is dia lo gu e cla ri ed m y ow n lo n g-s ta n din g am biv alen ce to w ard
c li n ic a l d eta ch m en t— a s a cro sa n ct r u le in t h e psy ch oan aly tic p sy ch oth er ap y
I w as t a u gh t. T o b rin g o n e’s o w n fe eli n gs a n d n eed s in to t h e psy ch oth er ap y
w as ty p ic a lly v ie w ed a s a sig n o f p ath olo gy o n th e part o f th e th er ap is t.
C om pete n t p sy ch oth era p is ts w ere to s ta y o u t o f th e th er ap y p ro ces s a n d to
f u n ctio n a s a m ir ro r o n to w hic h c li en ts p ro je cte d t h ei r t r a n sfe ren ces , w hic h
w ere t h en w ork ed t h ro u gh w it h t h e psy ch oth er ap is t’s h elp . I u n der sto od t h e
th eo ry beh in d keep in g th e psy ch oth er ap is t’s in ner pro ce ss ou t of
p sy ch oth era p y an d gu ard in g ag ain st th e dan ger of ad dres sin g in ter nal
co n ic ts a t t h e c li e n t’s e x p en se . H ow ev er , I h ad a lw ay s b een u n co m fo rta b le main ta in in g th e r e q u is it e e m otio n al d is ta n ce, a n d fu rth er m ore beli e v ed in
t h e a d van ta g es o f b rin gin g m yse lf i n to t h e pro ce ss .
I th u s b eg an to ex p erim en t by rep la cin g cli n ic a l la n gu ag e w it h th e
la n gu ag e o f N VC. I n ste a d o f i n te rp ret in g w hat m y c li en ts w er e sa y in g i n l i n e
w it h th e p ers o n ali t y th eo rie s I h ad s tu die d , I m ad e m yse lf p res en t to th ei r
word s an d li s te n ed em path ic a lly . In ste a d o f d ia g n osin g th em , I re v ea le d
w hat w as g o in g o n w it h in m yse lf . A t rst, th is w as fr ig h ten in g. I w orrie d
a b ou t h ow co lle a g u es w ou ld re a ct to th e au th en tic it y w it h w hic h I w as
en te rin g i n to d ia lo gu e w it h c li e n ts . H ow ev er , t h e re su lt s w ere s o g ra tif y in g t o
b oth m y cli e n ts an d m yse lf th at I so on o ver ca m e an y h es it a tio n . T o d ay,
th ir ty - ve y ears la te r, th e c o n ce p t o f b rin gin g o n es elf fu lly in to th e cli en t-
t h era p is t r e la tio n sh ip i s n o l o n ger h er etic a l, b u t w hen I b eg an p ra ctic in g t h is
w ay, I w as o en in vit e d to s p ea k to g ro u p s o f p sy ch oth er ap is ts w ho w ou ld
c h alle n ge m e t o d em on str a te t h is n ew r o le .
I e m path iz ed w it h c li e n ts i ns te a d o f i n te rp re tin g t h em ; I
r e v ea le d m yse lf i n ste a d o f d ia g n os in g t h em .
Once I w as a sk ed , b y a l a rg e g ath erin g o f m en ta l h ea lt h p ro fe ss io n als a t a
s ta te m en ta l hosp it a l, to sh ow how N VC m ig h t ser ve in co u n se li n g
dis tr e ss e d peo p le . A er m y on e- hou r pres en ta tio n , I w as re q u es te d to
in te rv ie w a p atie n t in o rd er t o p ro du ce a n e v alu atio n a n d r e co m men datio n
fo r tr e atm en t. I ta lk ed w it h th e tw en ty -n in e- year- o ld m oth er of th re e
ch ild re n f o r a b ou t h alf a n h ou r. A er s h e le t h e ro om , t h e sta ff r es pon sib le
f o r h er c a re p ose d th eir q u estio n s. “ D r. R osen ber g,” h er p sy ch ia tr is t b eg an ,
“p le a se m ak e a diff ere n tia l dia g n osis . In yo u r op in io n , is th is w om an
m an if e stin g a sc h iz o p h re n ic re a ctio n or is th is a ca se of d ru g-in du ce d
p sy ch osis ? ”
I sa id th at I w as u n co m fo rta b le w it h su ch qu es tio n s. E ven w hen I
w ork ed in a m en ta l h osp it a l d u rin g m y t r a in in g, I w as n ev er s u re how t o t
p eo p le in to th e d ia g n ostic cla ss i catio n s. S in ce th en I h ad re a d res earc h
in dic atin g a la ck of ag re em en t am on g psy ch ia tr is ts an d psy ch olo gis ts
r e g ard in g th ese te rm s. e r e p orts c o n clu ded th at d ia g n oses o f p atien ts in
m en ta l hosp it a ls dep en ded m ore up on th e sc h ool th e psy ch ia tr is t had
att e n ded t h an t h e c h ara cte ris tic s o f t h e patien ts t h em se lv es . I w ou ld b e r e lu cta n t, I c o n tin u ed , t o a p p ly t h es e ter m s e v en i f c o n sis ten t
usa g e d id ex is t, b ecau se I fa ile d to se e how th ey b en ete d p atien ts . In
p hysic a l m ed ic in e, p in p oin tin g th e dis e a se pro ce ss th at h as cre ate d th e
illn ess o en g iv es c le ar d ir e c tio n t o it s t r e atm en t, b u t I d id n ot p er cei ve th is
r e la tio n sh ip in th e eld w e c a ll m en ta l illn es s. In m y ex per ien ce of c a se
c o n fe re n ce s a t h osp it a ls , t h e s ta ff w ou ld s p en d m ost o f it s t im e deli b er atin g
over a d ia g n osis . A s t h e a llo tt e d h ou r t h re ate n ed t o r u n o u t, t h e psy ch ia tr is t
in c h arg e o f th e c a se m ig h t a p p ea l to th e oth er s fo r h elp in set tin g u p a
tr e atm en t p la n . O en th is r e q u es t w ou ld b e ig n ore d in fa v o r o f c o n tin u ed
w ra n gli n g o ver t h e d ia g n osis .
I ex p la in ed to th e p sy ch ia tr is t th at N VC u rg es m e to a sk m yse lf th e
fo llo w in g q u estio n s ra th er th an th in k in ter m s o f w hat is w ro n g w it h a
p atie n t: “ W hat is t h is p ers o n f e eli n g? W hat is s h e or h e need in g? H ow a m I
f e eli n g in r e sp on se to th is p ers o n , a n d w hat n eed s o f m in e are beh in d m y
fe eli n gs? W hat a ctio n o r d ecis io n w ou ld I r e q u es t t h is p er so n t o t a k e in t h e
beli e f th at it w ou ld en ab le th em to li v e more hap pily ?” B ecau se ou r
re sp on se s to th ese q u estio n s w ou ld re v ea l a lo t ab ou t o u rs e lv es an d o u r
valu es, w e w ou ld f e el f a r m ore v u ln er ab le th an i f w e w er e to s im ply d ia g n ose
th e o th er p ers o n .
O n a n oth er o cc a sio n , I w as c a lle d to d em on str a te h ow N VC c o u ld b e
ta u gh t to p eo p le d ia g n ose d a s c h ro n ic sc h iz o p h ren ic s. W it h a b ou t ei gh ty
p sy ch olo gis ts , p sy ch ia tr is ts , so cia l w ork er s, an d n u rs es w atc h in g, een
p atie n ts w ho h ad b een t h u s d ia g n ose d w er e ass em ble d o n t h e sta g e fo r m e.
A s I in tr o du ce d m yse lf an d ex p la in ed th e pu rp ose of N VC, o n e of th e
patie n ts e x p re ss e d a re a ctio n th at s e em ed ir re le v an t to w hat I w as s a y in g.
A w are t h at h e’d b een d ia g n ose d a s a c h ro n ic s c h iz o p h ren ic , I s u cc u m bed t o
c li n ic a l t h in kin g b y a ssu m in g t h at m y f a ilu re to u n der sta n d h im w as d u e to
h is co n fu sio n . “Y ou se em to h av e tr o u ble fo llo w in g w hat I’m sa y in g,” I
re m ark ed .
A t t h is , a n oth er p atie n t in te rje c te d , “ I u n dersta n d w hat h e’s s a y in g,” a n d
pro ce ed ed t o e x p la in t h e r e le v an ce of t h e rst p atien t’s w ord s in t h e co n tex t
of m y in tr o du ctio n . R eco gn iz in g t h at t h e m an w as n ot c o n fu se d , b u t t h at I
h ad sim ply not gra sp ed th e co n nectio n bet ween ou r th ou gh ts , I w as
d is m ay ed b y th e ea se w it h w hic h I h ad att r ib u te d res pon sib ili t y fo r th e
bre a k d ow n i n c o m mun ic atio n t o h im . I w ou ld h av e li k ed t o h av e ow ned m y
ow n fe eli n gs by sa y in g, fo r ex am ple , “I’m co n fu se d . I’d li k e to se e th e co n nec tio n b etw een w hat I s a id a n d y o u r r es pon se , b u t I d on’t . W ou ld y o u
b e w illi n g t o e x p la in h ow y o u r w ord s r e la te t o w hat I s a id ?”
W it h th e ex ce p tio n o f th is b rie f d ep artu re in to cli n ic a l th in kin g, th e
se ss io n w it h th e p atie n ts w en t su cce ss fu lly . e sta ff , im pres se d w it h th e
patie n ts ’ r e sp on se s, w on dere d w het her I c o n sid er ed t h em t o b e an u nusu ally
c o op era tiv e g ro u p o f p atie n ts . I a n sw ere d th at w hen I a v o id ed d ia g n osin g
peo p le a n d in ste a d sta y ed c o n necte d to th e li f e go in g o n in th em a n d in
m yse lf , p eo p le u su ally r e sp on ded p osit iv ely .
A sta ff m em ber th en re q u este d a sim ila r ses sio n b e co n du cte d , as a
le arn in g ex p erie n ce, w it h so m e o f th e psy ch olo gis ts an d p sy ch ia tr is ts as
p artic ip an ts . A t th is , th e p atie n ts w ho h ad b een o n sta g e ex ch an ged se ats
w it h s e v era l v o lu nte ers in th e a u dien ce. In w ork in g w it h th e sta ff , I h ad a
d iffi cu lt tim e cla rif y in g to on e psy ch ia tr is t th e diff er en ce bet ween
in te lle c tu al u n dersta n din g a n d t h e em path y o f N VC. W hen ev er s o m eo n e in
t h e gro u p ex p re ss e d fe eli n gs, he wou ld off er his un dersta n din g of th e
psy ch olo gic a l d yn am ic s b eh in d t h ei r f e eli n gs r a th er t h an e m path iz e w it h t h e
fe eli n gs. W hen th is h ap p en ed fo r th e th ir d tim e, o n e o f th e patien ts in th e
au die n ce b u rst o u t, “ C an ’t y o u s e e yo u ’r e doin g it a g ain ? Y ou ’r e in ter pret in g
w hat s h e’s s a y in g r a th er t h an e m path iz in g w it h h er f e eli n gs!”
B y a d op tin g t h e s k ills a n d c o n sc io u sn ess o f N VC, w e c a n c o u n se l o th er s
in en co u nte rs th at are g en u in e, o p en , an d m utu al, ra th er th an res ort to
p ro fe ss io n al re la tio n sh ip s ch ara cter iz e d b y em otio n al d is ta n ce, d ia g n osis ,
a n d h ie ra rc h y. Su m mary
N VC en han ce s in ner co m mun ic atio n by help in g us tr a n sla te neg ativ e
in te rn al m ess a g es i n to f e eli n gs a n d n eed s. O ur a b ili t y t o d is tin gu is h o u r o w n
fe eli n gs a n d n eed s a n d t o e m path iz e w it h t h em c a n f r e e us f r o m d ep res sio n .
B y s h ow in g u s h ow to fo cu s o n w hat w e tr u ly w an t r a th er th an o n w hat is
w ro n g w it h o th ers o r o u rs e lv es, N VC g iv es u s t h e to ols a n d u n der sta n din g
to c re ate a m ore p ea ce fu l sta te o f m in d. P ro fe ss io n als in c o u n se li n g a n d
psy ch oth era p y m ay als o use N VC to en gen der m utu al an d au th en tic
r e la tio n sh ip s w it h t h eir c li e n ts .
N VC i n A ctio n
D ea li n g W it h R ese n tm en t a n d S elf - Ju dgm en t
A s tu den t o f N on vio le n t C om munic a tio n s h are s t h e fo llo w in g s to ry.
I h ad ju st re tu rn ed fr o m m y rst res id en tia l tr a in in g in N VC. A
fr ie n d w hom I h ad n’t s e en f o r t w o y ears w as w ait in g f o r m e a t h om e. I
rst m et Ir is , w ho h ad b een a sc h ool li b ra ria n fo r tw en ty - ve years ,
d u rin g an in te n se tw o-w eek h eartw ork an d w ild er nes s jo u rn ey th at
c u lm in ate d i n a t h re e-d ay s o lo f a st i n t h e Rock ies . A er s h e li s ten ed t o
m y en th u sia stic d esc rip tio n o f N VC, Ir is re v ea le d th at sh e was still
h u rtin g f r o m w hat o n e o f t h e w ild ern es s le a d ers in C olo ra d o h ad s a id
t o h er six y ears b efo re . I h ad a c le ar m em ory o f th at p er so n : w ild -
w om an L eav, h er p alm s, go u ged w it h ro p e cu ts , h old in g ste a d y a
b ela y ed b o d y d an gli n g ag ain st th e mou nta in fa ce; sh e re a d an im al
d ro p pin gs, h ow le d in th e d ark , d an ce d h er jo y, c rie d h er tr u th , a n d
m oon ed o u r b u s a s w e w av ed g o od -b ye f o r t h e la st t im e. W hat I r is h ad
h eard L eav s a y d u rin g o n e o f t h e p er so n al f e ed back s es sio n s w as t h is :
“ Ir is , I c a n ’t s ta n d p eo p le li k e y o u , a lw ay s a n d e v er yw her e bei ng s o
d am n n ic e a n d s w eet, c o n sta n tly t h e m eek li t t le li b ra ria n t h at y o u a re .
W hy d on’t y o u j u st d ro p i t a n d g et o n w it h i t ? ”
F or s ix y ears I r is h ad b een li s te n in g t o L eav ’s v o ic e in h er h ea d , a n d
fo r six y ears sh e’d b een a n sw erin g L eav in h er h ea d . W e w ere both ea g er to e x p lo re h ow a c o n sc io u sn ess o f N VC c o u ld h av e aff ecte d th e
sit u atio n . I r o le -p la y ed L eav a n d r ep eate d h er s ta te m en t t o I r is .
Ir is : (fo rg ettin g a b ou t N VC a n d h ea rin g c rit ic is m a n d p u t- d ow n) Y ou
h av e n o r ig h t t o s a y t h at t o m e. Y ou d on’t k n ow w ho I a m , o r
w hat k in d o f l i b ra ria n I a m ! I t a k e m y p ro fe ss io n s er io u sly , a n d
fo r y o u r i n fo rm atio n , I c o n sid er m yse lf t o b e a n e d u cato r, j u st
li k e a n y t e a ch er …
M e: (w it h N VC c o n sc io u sn ess , l i s te n in g e m path ic a lly , a s i f I w ere
L ea v) I t s o u n ds t o m e l i k e y o u ’r e a n gry b ecau se yo u w an t m e to
k n ow a n d r e co gn iz e w ho y o u r e a lly a re bef ore crit ic iz in g y o u .
Is t h at s o ?
Ir is : at’s r ig h t! Y ou h av e s im ply n o i d ea h ow m uch i t t o ok f o r m e
to e v en s ig n u p f o r t h is t r e k . L ook! H er e I a m : I n is h ed , d id n’t
I ? I t o ok o n a ll t h e c h alle n ges t h ese fo u rte en d ay s a n d
overc a m e t h em a ll!
M e: A m I h earin g t h at y o u f e el h u rt a n d w ou ld h av e li k ed s o m e
re co gn it io n a n d a p pre cia tio n f o r a ll y o u r c o u ra g e a n d h ard
w ork ?
A fe w m ore e x ch an ges fo llo w ed , w her eu pon Ir is sh ow ed a sh i ;
th ese s h i s, w hen a p ers o n fe els “ h eard ” t o h is o r h er s a tis fa ctio n , c a n
o en b e o b se rv ed b o d ily . F or in sta n ce, a p er so n m ay r e la x a n d ta k e a
deep er bre ath . is o en in dic ates th at th e per so n has re cei ved
a d eq u ate e m path y a n d i s n ow a b le to s h i a tt en tio n t o s o m eth in g o th er
th an t h e p ain t h ey h av e b een e x p res sin g. S o m etim es t h ey a re re a d y t o
h ear a n oth er p ers o n’s f e eli n gs a n d n eed s. O r s o m etim es a n oth er r o u n d
of e m path y i s n eed ed t o a tt e n d t o a n oth er a re a o f p ain . I n t h is s it u atio n
w it h Ir is , I c o u ld se e th at a n oth er p ie ce n eed ed a tt en tio n b ef ore sh e
w ou ld b e a b le to h ear L eav. is is b ecau se Ir is h ad h ad s ix y ears o f
o p p ortu n it ie s to pu t hers e lf dow n fo r not hav in g pro du ce d an
h on ora b le co m eb ack on th e sp ot. Aer th e su btle sh i , sh e
im med ia te ly w en t o n :
Ir is : D arn , I s h ou ld h av e s a id a ll t h is s tu ff t o h er s ix y ears a g o ! Me: (a s m yse lf , a n e m path ic f r ie n d) Y ou ’r e f r u str a te d b ecau se y o u
w is h y o u c o u ld h av e a rtic u la te d y o u rs e lf b et ter a t t h e tim e?
Ir is : I f e el l i k e s u ch a n i d io t! I k n ew I w asn ’t a “ m eek l i t t le li b ra ria n ,”
b u t w hy d id n’t I s a y t h at t o h er?
M e: S o y o u w is h y o u h ad b een e n ou gh i n t o u ch w it h y o u rs e lf t o s a y
th at?
I r is : Y es. A nd I ’m a ls o m ad a t m yse lf ! I w is h I h ad n’t l et h er p u sh
m e a ro u n d.
M e: Y ou ’d l i k e t o h av e b een m ore a ss e rtiv e th an y o u w er e?
Ir is : E xactly . I n eed t o r e m em ber I h av e a r ig h t t o s ta n d u p f o r w ho
I a m .
Ir is w as q u ie t fo r a fe w se co n ds. S h e ex pres se d re a d in es s to p ra ctic e
N VC a n d h ear w hat L eav s a id t o h er i n a d iff er en t w ay.
M e: (a s L ea v) I r is , I c a n ’t s ta n d p eo p le l i k e y o u , a lw ay s s o n ic e a n d
sw eet, b ein g f o re v er t h e m eek l i t t le li b ra ria n . W hy d on’t y o u
ju st d ro p i t a n d g et o n w it h i t ?
I r is : (li s te n in g f o r L ea v’s f e eli n gs, n eed s, a n d r e q u ests ) O h, L eav, i t
s o u n ds t o m e l i k e y o u ’r e r e a lly f r u str a te d … f r u str a te d b ecau se
… b ecau se I …
H ere I r is c atc h es h ers e lf a t a c o m mon m is ta k e. B y u sin g t h e w ord I , s h e
att r ib u te s L eav ’s fe eli n g to Ir is h ers e lf , r a th er th an to s o m e d es ir e on
L eav ’s ow n part th at gen era te s th e fe eli n g. at is , not “Y ou ’r e
fr u str a te d b ecau se I a m a c e rta in w ay,” b u t “ Y ou ’r e fr u str a te d b ecau se
y o u w an te d s o m eth in g d iff ere n t f r o m m e.”
I r is : (tr y in g a ga in ) O kay, L eav, i t s o u n ds l i k e y o u ’r e r e a lly f r u str a te d
b ecau se y o u a re w an tin g … u m … y o u ’r e w an tin g …
A s I t r ie d i n m y r o le -p la y t o e arn es tly i d en tif y w it h L eav, I f e lt a s u dden
ash o f a w are n ess o f w hat I (a s L ea v) w as y earn in g f o r:
M e: (a s L ea v) C on nec tio n ! … at’s w hat I a m w an tin g! I w an t t o fe el c o n nec te d … w it h y o u , I r is ! A nd I a m s o f r u str a te d w it h
a ll t h e s w eetn ess a n d n ic e n ess t h at s ta n d i n t h e w ay t h at I j u st
w an t t o t e ar i t a ll d ow n s o I c a n t r u ly t o u ch y o u !
W e b oth s a t a b it s tu n ned a er th is o u tb u rst, a n d th en Ir is s a id , “ If I
h ad k n ow n t h at’s w hat s h e h ad w an te d , i f s h e co u ld h av e to ld m e th at i t
w as g en u in e c o n nec tio n w it h m e sh e was a er … G osh , I m ean , th at
fe els a lm ost l o vin g.” W hile s h e n ev er d id n d t h e re a l L eav t o v er if y t h e
in sig h t, a er th is p ra ctic e se ss io n in N VC, Ir is a ch ie v ed a n in ter nal
re so lu tio n a b ou t t h is n ag gin g c o n ic t a n d f o u n d i t e a sier t o h ear w it h a
n ew a w are n ess w hen p eo p le a ro u n d h er sa id th in gs to h er th at sh e
m ig h t p re v io u sly h av e i n te rp re te d a s “ p u t- d ow ns.”
… th e m ore yo u b eco m e a co n n ois s e u r o f g ra tit u de, th e le ss y o u a re a
vic tim o f re se n tm en t, d ep re ssio n , a n d d esp air . G ra tit u de will a ct a s a n
eli x ir t h at w ill g ra d u ally d is s o lv e th e hard s h ell o f y o u r e g o — yo u r n eed t o
p oss e ss a n d c o n tr o l— an d t r a n sfo rm y o u in to a g en ero u s b ein g. e se n se
o f g ra tit u de pro d u ce s tr u e sp ir it u al a lc h em y, m akes u s m agn an im ou s—
la rg e so u le d .
— Sam K een , p h ilo so p h er 14
Exp re ssin g A pp re cia tio n i n N on vio le n t C om munic a tio n S
e I n te n tio n B eh in d t h e A ppre cia tio n
“Y ou d id a g o od j o b o n t h at r e p ort.”
“ Y ou a re a v ery s e n sit iv e p ers o n .”
“ It w as k in d o f y o u t o o ff er m e a r id e hom e l a st e v en in g.”
u ch sta te m en ts a re ty p ic a lly u tt er ed a s ex pres sio n s o f ap pre cia tio n in
li f e -a li e n atin g c o m mun ic atio n . P er hap s y o u a re su rp ris e d th at I r eg ard
p ra is e an d co m pli m en ts to be li f e- ali en atin g. Notic e, how ev er , th at
a p pre cia tio n e x p re ss e d in th is fo rm r e v ea ls li t t le of w hat’s g o in g o n in th e
sp ea k er; i t e sta b li s h es t h e s p ea k er a s s o m eo n e w ho s it s i n ju dgm en t. I d e ne
ju dgm en ts — both p osit iv e a n d n eg ativ e— as l i f e- ali en atin g c o m mun ic atio n .
C om pli m en ts a re o en j u dgm en ts — how ev er p osit iv e-o f
o th ers.
In co rp ora te tr a in in gs, I o en en co u nter m an ag er s w ho d ef en d th e
pra ctic e of pra is in g an d co m pli m en tin g by cla im in g th at “it w ork s.”
“ R ese arc h sh ow s,” th ey a ss e rt, “th at if a m an ag er c o m pli m en ts em plo yees ,
th ey w ork h ard er. A nd t h e s a m e g o es f o r s c h ools : i f t e a ch er s p ra is e stu den ts ,
th ey stu dy h ard er.” I h av e re v ie w ed th is res earc h , an d m y b eli ef is th at
re cip ie n ts o f s u ch p ra is e d o w ork h ard er , b u t o n ly in it ia lly . O nce th ey s en se
th e m an ip u la tio n b eh in d t h e a p pre cia tio n , t h ei r p ro du ctiv it y d ro p s. W hat is
m ost d is tu rb in g f o r m e, h ow ev er, i s t h at t h e beau ty o f a p pre cia tio n i s s p oile d
w hen p eo p le b eg in t o n otic e t h e l u rk in g i n ten t t o g et s o m eth in g o u t o f t h em .
Fu rth erm ore , w hen w e u se p osit iv e fe ed back a s a m ean s to in u en ce
o th ers , it m ay n ot b e c le ar h ow th ey a re re ce iv in g th e m essa g e. ere is a
c a rto on w here o n e N ativ e A m eric a n rem ark s to a n oth er , “W atc h m e use
m od ern p sy ch olo gy o n m y h ors e! ” H e th en le a d s h is fr ien d to w her e th e
h ors e c a n o verh ear t h eir c o n vers a tio n a n d ex cla im s, “ I h av e th e fa stes t, m ost
c o u ra g eo u s h ors e in a ll th e W est!” e hors e lo oks sa d a n d sa y s to it s e lf ,
“ H ow d o y o u l i k e t h at? H e’s g o n e an d b ou gh t h im se lf a n oth er h ors e .”
W hen w e u se N VC t o e x p re ss a p pre cia tio n , it is p u re ly t o c ele b ra te , n ot
to g et s o m eth in g in r e tu rn . O ur s o le in ten tio n is to c ele b ra te th e way o u r
li v es h av e b een e n ric h ed b y o th ers . Exp re ss a p pre cia tio n t o c e le b ra te , n ot t o m an ip u la te . e re e C om pon en ts o f A ppre cia tio n
N VC cle arly dis tin gu is h es th re e co m pon en ts in th e expres sio n of
ap pre cia tio n :
1. t h e a ctio n s t h at h av e c o n tr ib u te d t o o u r w ell- b ei ng
2. t h e p artic u la r n eed s o f o u rs t h at h av e been f u l lle d
3. t h e p le a su re fu l f e eli n gs e n gen dere d b y t h e fu l llm en t o f t h ose need s
e s e q u en ce o f t h ese in gre d ie n ts m ay v ary ; s o m etim es a ll t h re e ca n b e
co n vey ed b y a s m ile o r a s im ple “ an k y o u .” H ow ev er , i f w e w an t t o en su re
th at o u r a p pre cia tio n h as b een fu lly re ce iv ed , it is v alu ab le to d ev elo p th e
elo qu en ce to e x p re ss a ll t h re e c o m pon en ts v er bally . e fo llo w in g d ia lo gu e
illu str a te s how pra is e m ay be tr a n sfo rm ed in to an ap pre cia tio n th at
e m bra ce s a ll t h re e c o m pon en ts .
S ay in g “ th an k y o u ” in N VC : “ is is w hat y o u d id ; t h is
is w hat I f e el; t h is i s t h e n eed o f m in e t h at w as m et.”
P artic ip an t: ( a ppro a ch in g m e a er a w ork sh op ) M arsh all, y o u ’r e
b rilli a n t!
M BR : I’m n ot a b le t o g et a s m uch o u t o f y o u r a p pre cia tio n a s I
w ou ld l i k e.
P artic ip an t: W hy, w hat d o y o u m ean ?
M BR : In m y l i f e tim e I ’v e b een c a lle d a m ult it u de of n am es, y et
I c a n ’t r e ca ll s e rio u sly l e arn in g a n yth in g b y b ei ng t o ld
w hat I a m . I ’d l i k e t o l e arn f r o m y o u r a p pre cia tio n a n d
en jo y i t , b u t I w ou ld n eed m ore i n fo rm atio n .
Partic ip an t: L ik e w hat?
M BR : Fir st, I ’d l i k e t o k n ow w hat I s a id o r d id t h at m ad e li f e
m ore w on derfu l f o r y o u .
P artic ip an t: W ell, y o u ’r e s o i n te lli g en t.
M BR : I’m a fr a id y o u ’v e j u st g iv en m e a n oth er j u dgm en t t h at still l e av es m e w on derin g w hat I d id t h at m ad e li f e m ore
w on derfu l f o r y o u .
P artic ip an t: ( th in ks f o r a w hile , t h en p oin ts t o n ote s s h e had t a ken
d u rin g t h e w ork sh op ) L ook a t t h ese t w o p la ce s. I t w as
th ese t w o t h in gs y o u s a id .
M BR : A h, s o i t ’s m y s a y in g t h ose t w o t h in gs t h at y o u
ap pre cia te .
P artic ip an t: Y es.
M BR : N ex t, I ’d l i k e t o k n ow h ow y o u f e el i n c o n ju n ctio n t o m y
hav in g s a id t h ose t w o t h in gs.
P artic ip an t: H op efu l a n d r e li e v ed .
M BR : A nd n ow I ’d l i k e t o k n ow w hat n eed s o f y o u rs w er e
fu l lle d b y m y s a y in g t h ose t w o t h in gs.
P artic ip an t: I h av e t h is e ig h te en -y ear- o ld s o n w hom I h av en ’t b een
a b le t o c o m mun ic ate w it h . I ’d b een d es per ate ly
s e arc h in g f o r s o m e d ir e c tio n t h at m ig h t h elp m e to
r e la te w it h h im i n a m ore l o vin g m an ner , a n d t h ose tw o
th in gs y o u s a id p ro vid e t h e d ir e c tio n I w as l o okin g f o r.
H earin g a ll th re e p ie ce s o f in fo rm atio n — what I d id , h ow s h e fe lt , a n d
w hat n eed s o f h ers w ere fu l lle d — I c o u ld th en c ele b ra te th e ap pre cia tio n
w it h h er. H ad s h e i n it ia lly e x p re ss e d h er a p pre cia tio n i n N VC, it m ig h t h av e
so u n ded li k e th is : “ M arsh all, w hen y o u s a id th es e tw o th in gs ( s h ow in g m e
her n ote s), I f e lt v ery h op efu l a n d r e li e v ed , b ecau se I’v e been s e arc h in g f o r a
w ay to m ak e a c o n nec tio n w it h m y s o n , a n d th es e gav e m e th e dir e ctio n I
w as l o okin g f o r.” Rece iv in g A ppre cia tio n
For m an y o f u s, it is d iffi cu lt t o r e ce iv e ap pre cia tio n g ra cef ully . W e fr et o ver
w heth er w e d ese rv e it . W e w orr y ab ou t w hat’s b ei ng ex pecte d of u s—
e sp ecia lly if w e h av e t e a ch ers o r m an ag er s w ho u se ap pre cia tio n a s a m ean s
to s p u r p ro du ctiv it y . O r w e’r e n er vo u s a b ou t li v in g u p to th e ap pre cia tio n .
A cc u sto m ed to a cu lt u re w here bu yin g, earn in g, an d d es er vin g are th e
sta n dard m od es o f in te rc h an ge, w e are o en u n co m fo rta b le wit h sim ple
g iv in g a n d r e ce iv in g.
N VC en co u ra g es u s to re ce iv e ap pre cia tio n w it h th e sa m e qu ali t y o f
em path y w e e x p re ss w hen li s te n in g to o th er m essa g es . W e h ear w hat w e
hav e d on e t h at h as c o n tr ib u te d to o th er s’ w ell- b ei ng; w e h ear t h ei r fe eli n gs
an d t h e n eed s t h at w ere f u l lle d . W e ta k e in to o u r h earts t h e jo yo u s r e a li t y
t h at w e c a n e a ch e n han ce t h e q u ali t y o f o th er s’ l i v es .
I w as ta u gh t to re ce iv e ap pre cia tio n w it h g ra ce by m y fr ien d N afe z
A ss a ile y. H e w as a m em ber o f a P ales tin ia n te am w hom I h ad in vit e d to
S w it z e rla n d fo r t r a in in g in N VC a t a t im e when s e cu rit y p re cau tio n s m ad e
tr a in in g o f m ix ed g ro u p s o f P ale stin ia n s a n d I s r a eli s im poss ib le in ei th er o f
th eir o w n c o u ntr ie s. A t t h e e n d o f t h e w ork sh op, N afe z c a m e up t o m e. “ is
t r a in in g w ill b e v ery v alu ab le f o r u s i n w ork in g f o r p ea ce in o u r c o u ntr y,” h e
ack n ow le d ged . “ I w ou ld li k e t o t h an k y o u in a w ay t h at w e Su M usli m s d o
w hen w e w an t to e x p re ss s p ecia l a p pre cia tio n fo r s o m eth in g.” L ock in g h is
t h u m b o n to m in e, h e lo oked m e in t h e ey e a n d s a id , “ I k is s t h e G od in y o u
th at a llo w s y o u t o g iv e u s w hat y o u d id .” H e th en k is s e d m y h an d.
N afe z’s ex p re ss io n o f g ra tit u de sh ow ed m e a d iff er en t w ay to re cei ve
ap pre cia tio n . U su ally it is r e ce iv ed fr o m o n e of t w o p ola r p osit io n s. A t o n e
en d is eg o tis m , beli e v in g ou rs e lv es to be su p er io r becau se we’v e been
ap pre cia te d . A t t h e o th er e x tr e m e is fa ls e hu m ili t y , d en yin g t h e im porta n ce
o f th e a p pre cia tio n b y s h ru ggin g it o ff : “ O h, it w as n oth in g.” N afe z s h ow ed
m e t h at I c o u ld r e ce iv e a p pre cia tio n jo yfu lly , in t h e aw aren ess t h at G od h as
g iv en e v ery o n e t h e p ow er t o e n ric h t h e li v es o f o th er s. I f I a m a w are th at i t i s
t h is p ow er o f G od w ork in g th ro u gh m e th at g iv es m e th e pow er to en ric h
li f e f o r o th ers , t h en I m ay a v o id b oth t h e eg o t r a p a n d t h e fa ls e hu m ili t y . O
Rece iv e a p pre cia tio n w it h ou t fe eli n gs o f s u p erio rit y o r
fa ls e h u m ili t y .
G old a M eir , w hen s h e w as t h e I s r a eli p rim e m in is ter , o n ce ch id ed o n e of
h er m in is te rs : “D on’t b e so h u m ble , y o u ’r e not th at g re at.” e fo llo w in g
li n es, att r ib u te d to co n te m pora ry w rit er M aria n ne W illi a m so n , ser ve as
an oth er r e m in der f o r m e t o a v o id t h e pit fa ll o f f a ls e hu m ili t y :
u r d eep est f e ar is n ot t h at w e a re in ad eq u ate . O ur d eep est f e ar is
t h at w e a re p ow erfu l b ey o n d m ea su re .
It is o u r li g h t, n ot o u r d ark n ess , t h at f r ig h ten s u s. Y ou a re a c h ild o f
G od . Y ou r p la y in g s m all d oesn ’t s er ve th e w orld .
ere ’s n oth in g en li g h te n ed ab ou t sh rin kin g so th at o th er p eo p le
w on’t f e el i n se c u re a ro u n d y o u .
W e w ere b orn to m ak e m an if e st th e glo ry o f G od th at is w it h in u s.
It’s n ot j u st i n s o m e o f u s, i t i s i n e v er yo n e.
A nd as w e le t o u r o w n li g h t sh in e, w e u n co n sc io u sly g iv e oth er
p eo p le p erm is s io n t o d o t h e s a m e.
A s w e are li b era te d fr o m ou r fe ar, ou r pres en ce au to m atic a lly
l i b era te s o th ers . e H un ger f o r A ppre cia tio n
Para d oxic a lly , d esp it e o u r u n ea se i n r e ce iv in g a p pre cia tio n , m ost o f u s y earn
to b e g en u in ely r e co gn iz e d a n d a p pre cia te d . D urin g a s u rp ris e party f o r m e,
a tw elv e-y ear- o ld fr ie n d o f m in e su gges te d a p arty g am e to h elp in tr o du ce
th e g u ests t o e a ch o th er. W e w ere to w rit e dow n a q u es tio n , d ro p i t i n a b ox,
an d t h en t a k e t u rn s, e a ch p ers o n d ra w in g o u t a q u es tio n a n d r es pon din g t o
it o u t l o u d.
H av in g re ce n tly co n su lt e d w it h vario u s so cia l ser vic e ag en cies an d
in du str ia l o rg an iz atio n s, I w as f e eli n g s tr u ck b y h ow o en p eo p le ex pres se d
a h u n ger fo r a p pre cia tio n o n t h e jo b. “ N o m att er h ow h ard y o u w ork ,” t h ey
w ou ld sig h , “y o u n ev er h ear a go od w ord fr o m an yo n e. B ut m ak e on e
m is ta k e a n d t h ere ’s a lw ay s s o m eo n e ju m pin g a ll o ver y o u .” S o f o r t h e gam e, I
w ro te t h is q u estio n : “ W hat a p pre cia tio n m ig h t s o m eo n e giv e yo u t h at w ou ld
le av e y o u j u m pin g f o r j o y?”
A w om an d re w t h at q u estio n o u t o f t h e box, r e a d it , a n d s ta rte d to c ry.
A s di re c to r o f a sh elt e r fo r b att e re d w om en , sh e wou ld p u t c o n sid er ab le
e n erg y e a ch m on th in to c re atin g a sc h ed u le to p le a se as m an y p eo p le as
p oss ib le . Y et ea ch tim e th e sc h ed u le was p res en te d , at le a st a co u ple of
in div id u als wou ld co m pla in . Sh e co u ld n’t rem ember ev er re cei vin g
ap pre cia tio n fo r h er e ff orts to d esig n a fa ir sc h ed u le . A ll th is h ad ash ed
th ro u gh h er m in d a s s h e r e a d m y q u es tio n , a n d t h e hu n ger f o r a p pre cia tio n
bro u gh t t e ars t o h er e y es.
U pon h earin g th e w om an ’s sto ry, a n oth er fr ien d o f m in e sa id th at h e,
to o, w ou ld li k e t o a n sw er t h e q u es tio n . E ver yo n e els e th en r e q u es te d a t u rn ;
as t h ey r e sp on ded t o t h e q u estio n , s e v er al p eo p le w ep t.
W hile th e cra v in g fo r ap pre cia tio n — as op p ose d to m an ip u la tiv e
“s tr o kes” — is p artic u la rly e v id en t in th e work p la ce, it a ff ects fa m ily li f e as
w ell. O ne e v en in g w hen I p oin te d o u t h is f a ilu re to p er fo rm a h ou se ch ore ,
m y s o n B re tt r e to rte d , “ D ad , a re yo u a w are how o en y o u b rin g u p w hat’s
g o n e w ro n g b u t a lm ost n ev er b rin g u p w hat’s g o n e r ig h t? ” H is o b ser vatio n
sta y ed wit h me. I re a li z e d how I was co n tin u ally se arc h in g fo r
im pro vem en ts , w hile b are ly sto p pin g to cele b ra te th in gs th at w er e go in g
w ell. I had ju st co m ple te d a w ork sh op w it h m ore th an a hu n dre d
p artic ip an ts , a ll o f w hom h ad e v alu ate d it v er y h ig h ly , w it h t h e ex cep tio n o f on e p ers o n . H ow ev er, w hat li n gere d in m y m in d w as th at o n e per so n’s
d is s a tis fa ctio n .
W e t e n d t o n otic e w hat’s w ro n g r a th er t h an w hat’s r ig h t.
at e v en in g I w ro te a s o n g t h at b eg an l i k e t h is :
If I ’m n in ety -e ig h t p erc e n t p erfe ct
in a n yth in g I d o,
it ’s t h e tw o p erc e n t I ’v e m ess e d u p
I’l l r e m em ber w hen I ’m t h ro u gh .
It o cc u rre d to m e th at I h ad a c h oic e to a d op t in ste a d th e ou tlo ok o f a
te a ch er I k n ew . O ne o f h er s tu den ts , h av in g n eg le cte d t o s tu dy f o r a n ex am ,
had r e sig n ed h im se lf to tu rn in g in a b la n k p ie ce o f p ap er w it h h is n am e at
th e to p. H e w as su rp ris e d w hen sh e la te r ret urn ed th e tes t to h im w it h a
g ra d e o f 1 4 p erc e n t. “ W hat d id I g et 1 4 p er ce n t f o r? ” h e ask ed i n cre d u lo u sly .
“N eatn ess ,” s h e r e p li e d . E ver s in ce h earin g m y s o n B ret t’s w ak e- up c a ll, I ’v e
tr ie d t o b e m ore a w are o f w hat o th er s a ro u n d m e a re doin g t h at en ric h es m y
li f e , a n d t o h on e m y s k ills i n e x p res sin g t h is a p pre cia tio n . Overc o m in g t h e R elu cta n ce t o E xp re ss A ppre cia tio n
I w as d eep ly t o u ch ed b y a p ass a g e in J o h n P ow ell’s b o ok e Secre t o f S ta yin g
in L ove, in w hic h P ow ell d esc rib es h is sa d n ess o ver h av in g b een u n ab le ,
d u rin g h is fa th er’s li f e tim e, to e x p res s t h e ap pre cia tio n h e fe lt fo r h is fa th er
to his fa th er. H ow grie v o u s it se em ed to m e to m is s th e ch an ce of
ap pre cia tin g th e p eo p le w ho h av e been th e gre ate st p osit iv e in u en ces in
o u r l i v es!
Im med ia te ly a n u n cle o f m in e, J u li u s F ox, c a m e to m in d. W hen I w as a
b oy, h e c a m e d aily t o o ff er n u rs in g c a re to m y g ra n dm oth er , w ho w as t o ta lly
p ara ly ze d . W hile h e c a re d fo r m y g ra n dm oth er , h e alw ay s h ad a w arm a n d
lo vin g sm ile o n h is fa ce. N o m att er h ow u nple a sa n t th e ta sk m ay h av e
ap p eare d to m y b oyis h e y es, h e tr e ate d h er a s if sh e wer e doin g h im th e
gre ate st fa v o r in th e w orld b y le tt in g h im ca re fo r h er . is p ro vid ed a
w on derfu l m od el o f m asc u li n e s tr en gth fo r m e— on e th at I’v e o en c a lle d
u p on i n t h e y ears s in ce.
I r e a li z e d t h at I h ad n ev er e x p re ss e d m y a p pre cia tio n f o r m y u n cle , w ho
h im se lf w as n ow ill a n d n ear d eath . I c o n sid er ed d oin g s o , b u t s en se d m y
ow n re sis ta n ce : “ I’m s u re h e a lr e a d y k n ow s h ow m uch h e m ean s to m e, I
d on’t n ee d t o e x p re ss it o u t lo u d; b es id es , it m ig h t e m barra ss h im if I p u t it
i n to w ord s.” A s s o on a s t h ese t h ou gh ts e n ter ed m y h ea d , I a lr e a d y k n ew t h ey
w ere n ’t t r u e. T o o o en I h ad a ss u m ed t h at o th er s k n ew t h e in ten sit y o f m y
ap pre cia tio n fo r th em , o n ly to d is c o ver o th er wis e . A nd e v en w hen p eo p le
w ere e m barra ss e d , t h ey s till w an te d t o h ear a p pre cia tio n v er bali z e d .
Still h esit a n t, I t o ld m yse lf t h at w ord s c o u ld n’t d o ju stic e t o t h e dep th o f
w hat I w is h ed t o c o m mun ic ate . I q u ic k ly s a w t h ro u gh t h at o n e, t h ou gh : y es ,
word s m ay b e p oor v eh ic le s i n c o n vey in g o u r h eartfe lt r e a li t ies , b u t a s I h av e
le arn ed , “ A nyth in g t h at i s w orth d oin g i s w orth d oin g p oorly !”
A s it h ap p en ed , I so on fo u n d m yse lf se ate d n ex t to U ncle Ju li u s a t a
fa m ily g ath erin g, a n d t h e w ord s s im ply ow ed o u t o f m e. H e to ok t h em in
jo yfu lly , w it h ou t em barra ss m en t. B rim min g o ver w it h fe eli n gs fr o m th e
ev en in g, I w en t h om e, c o m pose d a p oem a n d s en t it t o h im . I w as la ter t o ld
t h at e a ch d ay u ntil h e d ie d th re e week s la ter , m y u n cle had a sk ed th at th e
p oem b e r e a d t o h im . Su m mary
C on ven tio n al co m pli m en ts o en ta k e th e fo rm of ju dgm en ts , how ev er
p osit iv e, a n d a re s o m etim es in te n ded to m an ip u la te t h e beh av io r o f o th er s.
N VC e n co u ra g es th e e x p re ss io n o f a p pre cia tio n s o le ly fo r c ele b ra tio n . W e
sta te ( 1 ) t h e a ctio n t h at h as c o n tr ib u te d t o o u r w ell- b ei ng, ( 2 ) t h e partic u la r
n eed of ou rs th at has been fu l lle d , an d (3 ) th e fe eli n gs of ple a su re
e n gen dere d a s a r e su lt .
W hen w e re ce iv e ap pre cia tio n ex p res se d in th is w ay, w e ca n d o so
w it h ou t a n y f e eli n g o f s u p erio rit y o r f a ls e hu m ili t y — in ste a d w e ca n c ele b ra te
a lo n g w it h t h e p ers o n w ho i s o ff erin g t h e ap pre cia tio n . I
Epilo gu e
on ce a sk ed m y u n cle Ju li u s h ow h e had d ev elo p ed su ch a rem ark ab le
c ap acit y to g iv e c o m pass io n ate ly . H e se em ed h on ore d b y m y q u es tio n ,
w hic h h e p on dere d b efo re r e p ly in g, “ I’v e been b les se d w it h g o od te a ch er s.”
W hen I a sk ed w ho t h ese w ere , h e re ca lle d , “ Y ou r g ra n dm oth er w as t h e bes t
te a ch er I h ad . Y ou li v ed w it h h er w hen sh e was a lr e a d y ill, so y o u d id n’t
k n ow w hat s h e w as r e a lly li k e. F or ex am ple , d id y o u r m oth er e v er te ll y o u
ab ou t th e tim e d u rin g th e D ep res sio n w hen y o u r g ra n dm oth er b ro u gh t a
ta ilo r a n d h is w if e a n d t w o c h ild ren t o li v e wit h h er f o r t h re e years , a er h e
lo st h is h ou se a n d b u sin ess ? ” I r em ember ed t h e sto ry w ell. I t h ad le a d eep
im pre ss io n w hen m y m oth er rst t o ld it t o m e becau se I c o u ld n ev er gu re
o u t w here g ra n dm oth er h ad f o u n d s p ace f o r t h e ta ilo r’s f a m ily w hen s h e w as
ra is in g n in e c h ild re n o f h er o w n i n a m od es t- s iz e d h ou se!
U ncle Ju li u s re co lle c te d m y g ra n dm oth er ’s c o m pass io n in a fe w m ore
a n ecd ote s, a ll o f w hic h I h ad h eard a s a c h ild . en h e ask ed , “ S u re ly y o u r
m oth er t o ld y o u a b ou t J e su s.”
“ A bou t w ho?”
“Je su s.”
“ N o, s h e n ev er t o ld m e a b ou t J e su s.”
e s to ry a b ou t J e su s w as t h e n al p re cio u s g i I r e ce iv ed f r o m m y u n cle
b efo re he die d . It’s a tr u e sto ry of a tim e when a m an ca m e to m y
gra n dm oth er’s back door ask in g fo r so m e fo od . is w asn ’t unusu al.
A lt h ou gh g ra n dm oth er w as v ery p oor, th e en tir e nei gh borh ood k n ew th at
sh e w ou ld fe ed a n yo n e w ho s h ow ed u p a t h er d oor. is m an h ad a b eard
a n d w ild , s c ra g g ly b la ck h air ; h is c lo th es w ere ra g ged , a n d h e wore a c ro ss
a ro u n d h is n eck f a sh io n ed o u t o f b ra n ch es t ie d w it h r o p e. M y g ra n dm oth er
in vit e d h im in to h er k it c h en fo r so m e fo od , a n d w hile h e was e atin g sh e
ask ed h is n am e.
“M y n am e i s J e su s,” h e r e p li e d .
“D o y o u h av e a l a st n am e?” s h e i n qu ir e d . “I am Je su s th e L ord .” (M y gra n dm oth er ’s E ngli s h w asn ’t to o go od .
A noth er u n cle , I s id or, la te r t o ld m e h e had c o m e in to t h e kit c h en w hile th e
m an w as s till e atin g, a n d g ra n dm oth er h ad in tr o du ce d th e str a n ger a s M r.
elo rd .) A s th e m an c o n tin u ed to e at, m y g ra n dm oth er a sk ed w her e he
li v ed .
“I d on’t h av e a h om e.”
“ W ell, w here a re y o u g o in g t o s ta y t o n ig h t? I t’s c o ld .”
“ I d on’t k n ow .”
“ W ou ld y o u l i k e t o s ta y h ere ?” s h e o ff ere d .
H e s ta y ed s e v en y ears .
W hen it c a m e to c o m mun ic atin g n on vio len tly , m y g ra n dm oth er w as a
n atu ra l. S h e d id n’t th in k o f w hat th is m an “ w as.” If s h e had , s h e pro b ab ly
w ou ld h av e ju dged h im a s c ra zy a n d g o tt en r id o f h im . N o, s h e th ou gh t in
t e rm s o f w hat p eo p le fe el a n d w hat t h ey n eed . I f t h ey ’r e hu n gry, fe ed t h em .
If t h ey ’r e w it h ou t a r o of o ver t h eir h ea d , g iv e th em a p la ce to s le ep .
My g ra n dm oth er lo ved t o d an ce, a n d m y m oth er r em ember s h er s a y in g
o en , “ N ev er w alk w hen y o u c a n d an ce.” A nd th u s I e n d th is b o ok o n a
la n gu ag e o f c o m pass io n w it h a s o n g a b ou t m y g ra n dm oth er , w ho s p oke an d
li v ed t h e l a n gu ag e o f N on vio le n t C om mun ic atio n .
O ne day a m an n am ed J e su s
ca m e aro u n d t o m y g ra n dm oth er’s d oor.
H e ask ed f o r a l i t tle fo od ,
sh e ga ve him m ore .
H e sa id h e w as J e su s t h e Lord ;
sh e did n’t c h eck h im o u t w it h R om e.
H e sta yed f o r s e v era l y ea rs,
a s d id m an y w it h ou t a h om e.
It w as i n h er J e w is h w ay,
sh e ta u gh t m e w hat J e su s h ad t o s a y.
In t h at p re cio u s w ay,
sh e ta u gh t m e w hat J e su s h ad t o s a y.
A nd t h at’s : “ F eed t h e hu ngry, h ea l t h e sic k ,
th en t a ke a r e st. Nev er w alk w hen y o u c a n d an ce;
m ake yo u r h om e a c o zy n est.”
I t w as i n h er J e w is h w ay,
sh e ta u gh t m e w hat J e su s h ad t o s a y.
In h er p re cio u s w ay,
sh e ta u gh t m e w hat J e su s h ad t o s a y.
— “G ra n dm a a n d J e su s” b y M arsh all B . R ose n berg Bib li o gra ph y
Ali n sk y, S au l D . R ule s fo r R ad ic a ls : A P ra gm atic P rim er fo r R ea li s tic R ad ic a ls . N ew Y ork : R an dom
H ou se , 1 971.
A re n dt, H an nah . E ic h m an n in Je ru sa le m : A R ep ort o n th e B an ali t y o f E vil. N ew Y ork : V ik in g P re ss ,
1 963.
B eck er, E rn est. e B ir th a n d D ea th o f M ea n in g: A n In te rd is c ip li n ary P ersp ectiv e o n th e P ro b le m o f
M an . N ew Y ork : F re e P re ss , 1 971.
— ——. e R ev o lu tio n i n P sy ch ia tr y : e N ew U ndersta n din g o f M an . N ew Y ork : F re e P re ss , 1 964.
B en ed ic t, R uth . “ S y n erg y— Patt e rn s o f t h e G ood C ult u re .” P sy ch olo gy T od ay 4 ( Ju n e 1 970): 5 3– 77.
B ose ru p, A nders , a n d A ndre w M ack . W ar W it h ou t W ea p on s: N on -V io le n ce in N atio n al D efe n ce . N ew
Y ork : S ch ock en B ooks, 1 975.
B ow le s, S am uel, a n d H erb ert G in tis . S ch ooli n g in C apit a li s t A m eric a : E du ca tio n al R efo rm a n d th e
C on tr a d ic tio n s o f E co n om ic L if e . N ew Y ork : B asic B ooks, 1 976.
B uber, M artin . I a n d ou . T ra n sla te d b y R on ald G re g o r S m it h . N ew Y ork : S crib n er, 1 958.
C ra ig , J a m es, a n d M arg u erit e C ra ig . S y n erg ic P ow er B ey o n d D om in atio n a n d P erm is siv en ess . B erk ele y,
C A : P ro activ e P re ss , 1 974.
D ass , R am . e O nly D an ce ere I s . N ew Y ork : J a so n A ro n so n , 1 985.
D ass , R am , a n d M ir a b ai B ush . C om pa ssio n in A ctio n : S ettin g O ut o n th e P ath o f S erv ic e . N ew Y ork :
B ell T ow er, 1 992.
D ass , R am , a n d P au l G orm an . H ow C an I H elp ? S to rie s a n d R efl ectio n s o n S erv ic e . N ew Y ork : K nop f,
1 985.
D om hoff , W illi a m G . e H ig h er C ir c le s: e G overn in g C la ss in A m eric a . N ew Y ork : V in ta g e B ooks,
1 971.
E lli s , A lb ert, a n d R ob ert A . H arp er. A G uid e t o R atio n al L iv in g. E ngle w ood C li ff s, N J: P re n tic e -H all,
1 961.
F re ir e , P au lo . P ed ago gy o f t h e O ppre ss e d . T ra n sla te d b y M yra B erg m an R am os. N ew Y ork : H erd er a n d
H erd er, 1 970.
F ro m m, E ric h . E sc a p e f r o m F re ed om . N ew Y ork : F arra r & R in eh art, I n c., 1 941.
F ro m m, E ric h . e A rt o f L ov in g. N ew Y ork : H arp er & R ow , 1 956.
G ard n er, H erb . A ou sa n d C lo w ns, i n e C olle cte d P la ys. N ew Y ork : A pp la u se B ooks, 2 000.
G en dli n , E ugen e. F ocu sin g. N ew Y ork : E vere st H ou se , 1 978.
G le n n, M ic h ael, a n d R ic h ard K un nes. R ep re ssio n o r R ev o lu tio n ? era py in th e U nit e d S ta te s T od ay.
N ew Y ork : H arp er a n d R ow , 1 973.
G re en bu rg , D an , a n d M arc ia Ja co b s. H ow to M ake Y ou rse lf M is e ra b le fo r th e R est o f th e C en tu ry :
A noth er V it a l T ra in in g M an u al. N ew Y ork : V in ta g e B ooks, 1 987.
H arv ey, O .J . C on ce p tu al S yste m s a n d P erso n ali t y O rg a n iz a tio n . N ew Y ork : W ile y, 1 961. Hille su m , E tt y . E tt y : A D ia ry, 1 941– 1943. In tr o du ce d b y J. G . G aarla n dt; tr a n sla te d b y A rn old J.
P om era n s. L on don : J o n ath an C ap e, 1 983
H olt , J o h n . H ow C hild re n F ail. N ew Y ork : P it m an , 1 964.
H um ph re y s, C hris tm as. e W ay of A ctio n : A W ork in g P hilo so p h y fo r W este rn L if e . N ew York :
M acM illa n , 1 960.
Ir w in , R ob ert. B uild in g a P ea ce S yste m : E xp lo ra to ry P ro je ct o n th e C on dit io n s o f P ea ce . E xp ro P re ss ,
1 989.
Jo h n so n , W en dell. L iv in g w it h C han ge: e S em an tic s o f C op in g. N ew Y ork : H arp er a n d R ow , 1 972.
K atz , M ic h ael B . C la ss , B ure a u cra cy a n d S ch ools : e I llu sio n o f E du ca tio n al C han ge in A m eric a . N ew
Y ork : F re d eric k A . P ra eg er, I n c., 1 975.
K atz , M ic h ael B ., e d . S ch ool R efo rm : P ast a n d P re se n t. B osto n : L it t le , B ro w n & C o., 1 971.
K au fm an n, W alt e r. W it h ou t G uilt an d Ju stic e : F ro m D ecid op h ob ia to A uto n om y. N ew Y ork : P.H .
W yd en , 1 973.
K een , S am . H ym ns to a n U nkn ow n G od : A w aken in g th e S p ir it in E very d ay L if e . N ew Y ork : B an ta m
B ooks, 1 994.
— ——. T o a D an cin g G od . N ew Y ork : H arp er a n d R ow , 1 970.
K elly , G eo rg e A . e P sy ch olo gy o f P erso n al C on str u cts . 2 v o ls . N ew Y ork : N orto n , 1 955.
K orn eld , Ja ck . A P ath w it h H ea rt: A G uid e ro u gh th e P erils a n d P ro m is e s o f S p ir it u al L if e . N ew
Y ork : B an ta m B ooks, 1 993.
K ozo l, J o n ath an . e N ig h t I s D ark a n d I A m F ar f r o m H om e. B osto n : H ou gh to n -M iffl in C o., 1 975.
K urtz , E rn est, a n d K ath erin e K etc h am . e S p ir it u ali t y o f I m perfe ctio n : M od ern W is d om fr o m C la ssic
S to rie s. N ew Y ork : B an ta m B ooks, 1 992.
L yo n s, G ra cie . C on str u ctiv e C rit ic is m : A H an dbook . O ak la n d, C A : I R T P re ss , 1 976.
M ag er, R ob ert. P re p arin g I n str u ctio n al O bje ctiv es. B elm on t, C A : F earo n -P it m an P ub., 1 975.
M aslo w , A bra h am . E upsy ch ia n M an agem en t. H om ew ood , I L : R ic h ard D . I r w in , 1 965.
— ——. T ow ard a P sy ch olo gy o f B ein g. P rin ce to n , N J: V an N ostr a n d, 1 962. M cL au gh li n , C orin ne, a n d
G ord on D av id so n . S p ir it u al Poli t ic s: C han gin g th e W orld fr o m th e In sid e O ut. N ew York :
B alla n tin e B ooks, 1 994.
M ilg ra m , S ta n le y. O bed ie n ce t o A uth orit y : A n E xp erim en ta l V ie w . N ew Y ork : H arp er a n d R ow , 1 974.
P ostm an , N eil, a n d C harle s W ein gartn er. e S o R ev o lu tio n : A S tu den t H an dbook f o r T urn in g S ch ools
A ro u n d. N ew Y ork : D ela co rte P re ss , 1 971.
— ——. T ea ch in g a s a S u bversiv e A ctiv it y . N ew Y ork : D ela co rte P re ss , 1 969.
P ow ell, J o h n . e S ecre t o f S ta yin g i n L ove. N ile s, I L : A rg u s C om mun ic atio n s, 1 974.
— ——. W hy A m I A fr a id t o T ell Y ou W ho I A m ? C hic a g o : A rg u s C om mun ic atio n s, 1 969.
P utn ey, S n ell. e C on qu est o f S ocie ty : S ocio lo gic a l O bse rv a tio n s f o r t h e A uto n om ou s R ev o lt a ga in st t h e
A uto sy ste m s W hic h T urn H um an it y i n to S erv o -M en . B elm on t, C A : W ad sw orth , 1 972.
R obb en , J o h n . C om in g t o M y S en se s. N ew Y ork : om as C ro w ell, 1 973.
R ogers , C arl. A W ay o f B ein g. N ew Y ork : H ou gh to n M iffl in B ooks, 1 980, p . 1 2.
— ——. C arl R ogers o n P erso n al P ow er. N ew Y ork : D ela co rte P re ss , 1 977.
— ——. F re ed om to L ea rn : A V ie w o f W hat E du ca tio n M ig h t B eco m e. C olu m bu s, O H : C harle s E .
M errill, 1 969.
— ——. “S o m e E le m en ts o f E ffectiv e In te rp ers o n al C om mun ic atio n .” M im eo gra p h ed p ap er fr o m
sp eech g iv en a t C ali f o rn ia I n stit u te o f T ech n olo gy, P asa d en a, C A , N ov. 9 , 1 964.
A W ay o f B ein g. N ew Y ork : H ou gh to n M iffl in B ooks, 1 980, p . 1 2. Rose n berg , M arsh all. M utu al E du ca tio n : T ow ard A uto n om y an d In te rd ep en den ce . Seatt le : Sp ecia l
C hild P ubli c atio n s, 1 972.
R yan , W illi a m . B la m in g t h e V ic tim . N ew Y ork : V in ta g e B ooks, 1 976.
S ch eff , om as J ., e d . L ab eli n g M ad n ess . E ngle w ood C li ff s, N J: P re n tic e -H all, 1 975.
S ch m ook le r, A ndre w B ard . O ut o f W ea kn ess : H ea li n g th e W ou n ds at D riv e U s to W ar. N ew Y ork :
B an ta m B ooks, 1 988.
Sh arp , G en e. S ocia l P ow er a n d P oli t ic a l F re ed om . B osto n : P orte r S arg en t, 1 980.
Ste in er, C la u de. S crip ts P eo p le L iv e: T ra n sa ctio n al A naly sis o f L if e S crip ts . N ew Y ork : G ro ve P re ss , 1 974.
Sza sz , om as S . I d eo lo gy a n d I n sa n it y : E ss a ys o n t h e P sy ch ia tr ic D eh u m an iz a tio n o f M an . N ew Y ork :
M . B oyars , 1 983.
T ag o re , R ab in dra n ath . S a d h an a: e R ea li z a tio n o f L if e . T u cso n : O m en P re ss , 1 972. e F ou r-P art N on vio le n t C om mun ic a tio n P ro ce ss
C le arly e x p re ss in g
how I a m
w it h ou t b la m in g
or c rit ic iz in g
E m path ic a lly r e ce iv in g
how yo u a re
w it h ou t h earin g
bla m e o r c rit ic is m
O BSE R VA T IO NS
1. W hat I o b se rv e (s e e , h ea r,
r e m em ber, im agin e, fr e e
fr o m m y ev a lu atio n s) th at
d oes or does not
co n tr ib u te to my well-
b ein g: “ W hen I (s e e , h ea r)
… ”
1 . What yo u ob se rv e (s e e , hea r,
r e m em ber, im agin e, fr e e fr o m yo u r
ev a lu atio n s) th at does or does not
co n tr ib u te to y o u r w ell- b ein g: “ W hen
y o u se e/ hea r … ” (S om etim es
u n sp ok en w hen o ff erin g e m path y)
F E ELIN GS
2. How I fe el ( e m otio n or
se n sa tio n ra th er th an th ou gh t)
in r e la tio n t o w hat I o b se rv e: “ I
fe el … ”
2 . How yo u fe el ( e m otio n or
se n sa tio n ra th er th an th ou gh t) in
r e la tio n to what yo u ob se rv e:
“Y ou f e el … ”
N EED S
3. W hat I n eed o r v alu e (r a th er
th an a p re fe re n ce , o r a sp ecifi c
actio n ) t h at c au se s m y fe eli n gs:
“ … b eca u se I n eed /v a lu e … ”
3 . W hat y o u n eed o r v alu e (r a th er
th an a pre fe re n ce , or a sp ecifi c
actio n ) th at c au se s y o u r fe eli n gs:
“ … b eca u se yo u n eed /v a lu e … ”
Cle arly r e q u estin g t h at w hic h
w ou ld e n ric h m y l i f e w it h ou t
d em an din g
E m path ic a lly r e ce iv in g t h at w hic h w ou ld
e n ric h yo u r l i f e w it h ou t h earin g a n y
d em an d REQ UEST S
4. e co n cre te actio n s I
w ou ld li k e ta k en :
“W ou ld y o u b e w illi n g t o
… ? ”
4 . e co n cre te actio n s yo u w ou ld li k e
ta k en : “ W ou ld y o u li k e … ? ” ( S om etim es
u n sp ok en w hen o ff erin g e m path y)
© M arsh all B . R ose n berg . F or m ore i n fo rm atio n a b ou t M arsh all B . R ose n berg o r t h e C en te r f o r
N on vio le n t C om mun ic atio n , p le a se v is it w ww.C N VC.o rg . Som e B asic F eeli n gs W e A ll H av e
F eeli n gs w hen n eed s a re f u lfi lle d
A m aze d
C om fo rta b le
C on den t
E ag er
E nerg etic
F u l lle d
G la d
H op efu l
In sp ir e d
In tr ig u ed
Jo yo u s
M oved
O ptim is tic
P ro u d
R eli e v ed
S tim ula te d
S u rp ris e d
an kfu l
Tou ch ed
T ru stfu l
F eeli n gs w hen n eed s a re n ot f u lfi lle d
A ngry
A nnoyed
C on ce rn ed
C on fu se d
D is a p p oin te d
D is c o u ra g ed
D is tr e ss e d
E m barra ss e d
F ru str a te d Help le ss
H op ele ss
Im patie n t
Ir rit a te d
L on ely
N erv o u s
O verw helm ed
P uzzle d
R elu cta n t
Sad
U nco m fo rta b le
S om e B asic N eed s W e A ll H av e
A uto n om y
Choosin g d re am s/g o als /v alu es
C hoosin g p la n s f o r f u l lli n g o n e’s d re am s, g o als , v alu es
C ele b ra tio n
C ele b ra tin g t h e c re atio n o f l i f e a n d d re am s f u l lle d
C ele b ra tin g l o ss e s: l o ved o n es, d re am s, et c. ( m ou rn in g)
In te g rit y
A uth en tic it y
C re ativ it y
M ean in g
Self - w orth
I n te rd ep en den ce
A cce p ta n ce
A ppre cia tio n
C lo se n ess
C om mun it y Con sid era tio n
C on tr ib u tio n t o t h e e n ric h m en t o f l i f e
E m otio n al S afe ty
E m path y
H on esty (th e e m pow erin g h on esty th at en ab les u s to le arn fr o m o u r
li m it a tio n s)
L ove
R ea ssu ra n ce
R esp ec t
S u pp ort
T ru st
U ndersta n din g
P hysic a l N urtu ra n ce
A ir
F o od
M ovem en t, e x erc is e
P ro te c tio n f r o m li f e -th re ate n in g f o rm s o f li f e: v ir u ses , b acter ia , in se cts ,
p re d ato ry a n im als
R est
S ex u al E xp re ss io n
Sh elt e r
T ou ch
W ate r
P la y
F u n
L au gh te r
S p ir it u al C om mun io n
B eau ty
H arm on y
In sp ir a tio n
O rd er
P ea ce
© CN VC. P le a se v is it w ww.C N VC.o rg t o l e arn m ore . Abou t N on vio le n t C om mun ic a tio n
N on vio le n t C om mun ic atio n has ou ris h ed fo r m ore th an fo u r
deca d es a cro ss s ix ty c o u ntr ie s s e lli n g m ore th an 1 ,0 00,0 00 b o oks i n
o ver t h ir ty l a n gu ag es f o r o n e sim ple re a so n : i t w ork s.
Fro m th e bed ro om to th e board ro om , fr o m th e cla ss ro om to th e war zo n e, N on vio le n t
C om mun ic atio n ( N VC) i s c h an gin g li v es e v ery d ay. N VC p ro vid es a n e a sy -to -g ra sp , e ff ec tiv e m eth od
to g et t o t h e r o ot o f v io le n ce a n d p ain p ea ce fu lly . B y e x am in in g t h e u n m et n eed s b eh in d w hat w e d o
an d s a y, N VC h elp s r e d u ce h ostili t y , h ea l p ain , a n d s tr e n gth en p ro fe ss io n al a n d p ers o n al r e la tio n sh ip s.
N VC i s n ow b ein g t a u gh t i n c o rp ora tio n s, c la ss ro om s, p ris o n s, a n d m ed ia tio n c e n te rs w orld w id e. A nd
it is aff ectin g cu lt u ra l sh i s as in stit u tio n s, co rp ora tio n s, an d go vern m en ts in te g ra te N VC
co n sc io u sn ess i n to t h eir o rg an iz atio n al s tr u ctu re s a n d t h eir a p pro ach t o l e a d ersh ip .
M ost o f u s a re h u n gry fo r s k ills th at c a n im pro ve th e q u ali t y o f o u r r e la tio n sh ip s, to d eep en o u r
se n se o f p ers o n al e m pow erm en t o r s im ply h elp u s c o m mun ic ate m ore e ff ectiv ely . U nfo rtu n ate ly , m ost
o f u s h av e b een ed u cate d fr o m bir th to co m pete , ju dge, d em an d, an d d ia g n ose ; to th in k an d
co m mun ic ate i n t e rm s o f w hat i s “ r ig h t” a n d “ w ro n g” w it h p eo p le . A t b est, t h e h ab it u al w ay s w e t h in k
an d s p ea k h in der c o m mun ic atio n a n d c re ate m is u n dersta n din g o r fr u str a tio n . A nd s till w ors e , th ey
ca n c au se a n ger a n d p ain , a n d m ay le a d t o v io le n ce. W it h ou t w an tin g t o , e v en p eo p le w it h t h e b est o f
in te n tio n s g en era te n eed le ss c o n ic t.
N VC h elp s u s r e a ch b en eath t h e s u rfa ce a n d d is c o ver w hat i s a li v e a n d v it a l w it h in u s, a n d h ow a ll
o f o u r actio n s are b ase d o n h u m an n eed s th at w e are se ek in g to m eet. W e le arn to d ev elo p a
vo ca b u la ry o f f e eli n gs a n d n eed s t h at h elp s u s m ore c le arly e x p re ss w hat i s g o in g o n i n u s a t a n y g iv en
m om en t. W hen w e u n dersta n d a n d a ck n ow le d ge o u r n eed s, w e d ev elo p a s h are d f o u n datio n f o r m uch
m ore sa tis fy in g re la tio n sh ip s. Jo in th e th ou sa n ds o f p eo p le w orld w id e w ho h av e im pro ved th eir
r e la tio n sh ip s a n d t h eir l i v es w it h t h is s im ple y et r e v o lu tio n ary p ro ce ss . Abou t P udd le D an ce r P re ss
P udd le D an ce r Pre ss (P D P) is th e prem ier pu bli s h er of Non vio len t
Com mun ic atio n ™ re la te d w ork s. It s m is s io n is to pro vid e hig h -q u ali t y
m ate ria ls to help peo p le cre ate a w orld in w hic h all need s are met
co m pass io n ate ly . B y w ork in g in p artn ersh ip w it h t h e Cen ter f o r N on vio len t
Com mun ic atio n a n d N VC tr a in er s, te am s, a n d lo ca l su pp orte rs , P D P h as
cre ate d a c o m pre h en siv e p ro m otio n e ff ort th at h as h elp ed b rin g N VC to
t h ou sa n ds o f n ew p eo p le e a ch y ear.
S in ce 1998 PD P has don ate d m ore th an 60,0 00 N VC bo oks to
o rg an iz atio n s, d ecis io n -m ak ers , a n d i n div id u als i n n eed a ro u n d t h e w orld .
V is it t h e P D P w eb sit e a t w ww.N on vio le n tC om mun ic atio n .c o m t o n d t h e
fo llo w in g r e so u rc e s:
S h op N VC — Con tin u e y o u r le arn in g. P urc h ase ou r N VC tit les o n li n e
sa fe ly , aff ord ab ly , an d co n ven ien tly . Fin d ev er yd ay dis c o u nts on
in div id u al t it le s, m ult ip le -c o p ie s, a n d b o ok p ack ag es. L earn m ore ab ou t
ou r au th ors an d re a d en dors e m en ts o f N VC fr o m w orld -r en ow ned
co m mun ic atio n ex p erts an d pea cem ak er s.
w ww.N on vio le n tC om mun ic atio n .c o m /s to re/
N VC Q uic k C on nect e-N ew sle tt e r — Sig n up to d ay to re ce iv e ou r
m on th ly e-N ew sle tt e r, lle d w it h ex per t artic les , u p co m in g tr a in in g
op p ortu n it ie s w it h o u r a u th ors , a n d ex clu siv e sp ecia ls o n N VC l e arn in g
m ate ria ls . A rc h iv ed e -N ew sle tt e rs a re als o a v aila b le
A bou t N VC — Learn m ore a b ou t th ese li f e -c h an gin g co m mun ic atio n
an d co n ic t re so lu tio n sk ills in clu din g an over vie w of th e NVC
pro ce ss , k ey f a cts a b ou t N VC, a n d m ore .
A bou t M arsh all R ose n berg — Acce ss p re ss m ate ria ls , b io gra p hy, a n d
m ore ab ou t th is w orld -r e n ow ned p ea cem ak er , ed u cato r, bes ts e lli n g
au th or, a n d f o u n der o f t h e C en te r f o r N on vio len t C om mun ic atio n .
Fre e R eso u rc e s f o r L ea rn in g N VC — Fin d f r e e w eek ly t ip s s e rie s, N VC
artic le a rc h iv e, a n d o th er g re at r es ou rc e s to m ak e le arn in g th es e vit a l
co m mun ic atio n s k ills j u st a l i t t le ea sier . For m ore i n fo rm atio n , p le a se c o n ta ct P udd le D an ce r P re ss a t:
2 240 E ncin it a s B lv d ., S te . D -9 11 • E ncin it a s, C A 9 2024
P hon e: 7 60-6 52-5 754 • F ax : 7 60-2 74-6 400 Abou t t h e C en te r f o r N on vio le n t C om mun ic a tio n
e C en te r fo r N on vio le n t C om mun ic atio n (C N VC) is an in ter natio n al
n on pro t pea ce m ak in g org an iz atio n whose vis io n is a world wher e
ev ery o n e’s n eed s a re m et p ea ce fu lly . C N VC is d ev o te d to su pp ortin g th e
sp re a d o f N on vio le n t C om mun ic atio n ( N VC) a ro u n d t h e w orld .
Fou n ded in 1984 by D r. M arsh all B. R osen ber g, C N VC has been
co n tr ib u tin g t o a v ast s o cia l t r a n sfo rm atio n i n t h in kin g, s p ea k in g a n d a ctin g
— sh ow in g peo p le how to co n nect in w ay s th at in sp ir e co m pass io n ate
r e su lt s . N VC i s n ow b ein g t a u gh t a ro u n d t h e glo b e in c o m mun it ies , s c h ools ,
p ris o n s, m ed ia tio n c e n te rs , c h u rc h es , b u sin es ses , p ro fe ss io n al c o n fer en ces ,
an d m ore . H un dre d s o f ce rti ed tr a in er s a n d h u n dre d s m ore su pp orter s
te a ch N VC to te n s o f th ou sa n ds o f p eo p le ea ch year in m ore th an 60
co u ntr ie s.
C N VC b eli e v es t h at N VC t r a in in g is a c ru cia l s tep t o c o n tin u e bu ild in g a
c o m pass io n ate , p ea ce fu l so cie ty . You r ta x -d ed u ctib le don atio n w ill h elp
C N VC co n tin u e to p ro vid e tr a in in g in so m e o f th e most im pover is h ed ,
vio le n t co rn ers o f th e w orld . It w ill als o su pp ort th e dev elo p m en t an d
co n tin u atio n o f o rg an iz e d p ro je c ts a im ed a t b rin gin g N VC t r a in in g t o h ig h -
n eed g eo gra p h ic r e g io n s a n d p op u la tio n s.
T o m ak e a ta x -d ed u ctib le d on atio n o r to le arn m ore ab ou t th e valu ab le
r e so u rc e s d esc rib ed b elo w , v is it t h e C N VC w eb sit e a t w ww.C N VC.o rg :
T ra in in g an d C ertifi ca tio n — Fin d lo ca l, n atio n al, an d in ter natio n al
tr a in in g o p p ortu n it ie s, a cce ss t r a in er c er ti catio n i n fo rm atio n , c o n nect
to l o ca l N VC c o m mun it ie s, t r a in er s, a n d m ore .
C N VC B ooksto re — Fin d m ail or ph on e ord er in fo rm atio n fo r a
co m ple te s e le c tio n o f N VC b o oks, b o ok let s, a u dio , a n d v id eo m ater ia ls
a t t h e C N VC w eb sit e .
C N VC P ro je cts — Partic ip ate in o n e o f t h e s e v era l r eg io n al a n d t h em e-
base d p ro je c ts t h at p ro vid e f o cu s a n d le a d ersh ip f o r t e a ch in g N VC i n a
p artic u la r a p p li c atio n o r g eo gra p h ic r eg io n .
E -G ro u ps a n d L is t S er v s — Jo in o n e o f s e v era l m od era te d , t o p ic -b ase d
N VC e -g ro u p s a n d li s t s e rv s d ev elo p ed to s u pp ort in div id u al le arn in g an d t h e c o n tin u ed g ro w th o f N VC w orld w id e.
F or m ore i n fo rm atio n , p le a se c o n ta ct C N VC a t:
9 301 I n dia n S ch ool R d., N E, S u it e 2 04, A lb u qu erq u e, N M 8 7112-2 861
P h: 5 05-2 44-4 041 • U S O nly : 8 00-2 55-7 696 • F ax : 5 05-2 47-0 414
E m ail: c n vc@ CN VC.o rg • W eb sit e : w ww.C N VC.o rg Non vio le n t C om mun ic a tio n C om pan io n W ork b ook, 2n d E dit io n
A P ra ctic a l G uid e f o r I n div id u al, G ro u p, o r C la ssr o om S tu dy
by L u cy L eu
T ra d e P ap er 7 x1 0, 2 40p p
IS B N : 9 78-1 -8 92005-2 9-8
L earn in g N on vio le n t C om mun ic atio n h as o en b een e q u ate d w it h le arn in g
a w hole n ew la n gu ag e. e N VC C om pan io n W ork b ook h elp s y o u p u t t h ese
p ow erfu l, eff ec tiv e sk ills in to pra ctic e w it h ch ap ter -b y-c h ap ter stu dy of
M arsh all R ose n berg ’s c o rn ersto n e tex t, N VC: A L an gu age of L if e . C re ate a
sa fe , su pp ortiv e g ro u p le arn in g o r p ra ctic e en vir o n m en t th at n u rtu res th e
n eed s of ea ch partic ip an t. Fin d a w ea lt h of activ it ies , ex er cis es , an d
fa cili t a to r s u ggestio n s to re n e a n d p ra ctic e th is p ow er fu l c o m mun ic atio n
p ro ce ss .
N on vio le n t C om mun ic a tio n h as fl ou ris he d fo r m ore tha n fo u r d eca d es
a cro ss six ty c o u n tr ie s se lli n g m ore th an 1, 000, 000 books fo r a sim ple
r e a so n : i t w ork s.
S A V E a n e x tr a 1 0% a t N on vio le n tC om mun ic atio n .c o m w it h
c o d e: b ook ad s Sp ea k P ea ce i n a W orld o f C on fl ic t
W hat Y ou S ay N ex t W ill C han ge You r W orld
b y M arsh all B . R ose n berg , P hD
Tra d e P ap er 5 -3 /8 x8 -3 /8 , 2 08p p
IS B N : 9 78-1 -8 92005-1 7-5
In te rn atio n al p ea ce m ak er, m ed ia to r, a n d h ea ler , M arsh all R osen ber g s h ow s
yo u h ow th e la n gu ag e y o u u se is th e key to en ric h in g li f e . S p ea k P ea ce is
lle d w it h in sp ir in g s to rie s, le ss o n s, a n d id ea s d ra w n f r o m m ore th an fo rty
y ears o f m ed ia tin g c o n ic ts a n d h ea li n g r e la tio n sh ip s in s o m e o f th e m ost
w ar- to rn , im poveris h ed , an d vio len t co rn er s o f th e world . F in d in sig h t,
p ra ctic a l sk ills , an d pow erfu l to ols th at w ill pro fo u n dly ch an ge yo u r
re la tio n sh ip s a n d t h e c o u rs e o f y o u r l i f e fo r t h e bet ter .
D is c o ver h ow y o u c a n c re ate a n in ter nal c o n sc io u sn ess o f p ea ce as t h e rst
ste p to w ard eff ec tiv e pers o n al, pro fe ss io n al, an d so cia l ch an ge. Fin d
co m ple te c h ap te rs o n t h e m ech an ic s o f S p ea k in g P ea ce, c o n ic t r es olu tio n ,
tr a n sfo rm in g bu sin ess cu lt u re , tr a n sfo rm in g en em y im ag es , ad dres sin g
te rro ris m , tr a n sfo rm in g a u th orit a ria n str u ctu res , ex pres sin g a n d re cei vin g
gra tit u de, a n d s o cia l c h an ge.
N on vio le n t C om mun ic a tio n h as fl ou ris he d fo r m ore tha n fo u r d eca d es
a cro ss six ty c o u n tr ie s se lli n g m ore th an 1, 000, 000 books fo r a sim ple
r e a so n : i t w ork s. Availa b le fr o m P udd le D an ce r P re ss, th e C en te r fo r N on vio le n t C om mun ic a tio n , all m ajo r
b ooksto re s, a n d A m azo n .c o m . D is tr ib u te d b y I n dep en den t P ubli s h er’s G ro u p: 8 00-8 88-4 741. Con nectin g A cro ss D iff ere n ce s, 2n d E dit io n Fin din g C om m on
G ro u n d W it h A nyo n e, A nyw here , A nytim e
by J a n e M ara n tz C on nor, P hD a n d D ia n K illi a n , P hD
Tra d e P ap er 6 x9 , 4 16p p
IS B N : 9 78-1 -8 92005-2 4-3
P ro fo u n d C on nectio n I s J u st a C on versa tio n A w ay !
In th is fu lly r e v is e d s e co n d e d it io n , D r. D ia n K illi a n a n d D r. Ja n e M ara n tz
C on nor o ff er a n a cce ss ib le g u id e fo r e x p lo rin g th e co n cep ts , a p p li c atio n s,
a n d tr a n sfo rm ativ e pow er of th e Non vio len t C om mun ic atio n pro ces s.
D is c o ver sim ple , yet tr a n sfo rm ativ e sk ills to cre ate a li f e of ab u n dan ce,
b u ild in g th e p ers o n al, p ro fe ss io n al, a n d c o m mun it y c o n nectio n s y o u lo n g
fo r.
N ow w it h a n e x p an ded s e le c tio n o f b ro ad ly a p p li c a b le ex ercis es , r o le- pla y s,
a n d activ it ie s. D eta ile d an d co m pre h en siv e, th is co m bin ed bo ok an d
w ork b o ok e n han ce s c o m mun ic atio n sk ills b y in tr o du cin g th e basic N VC
m od el, a s w ell a s m ore a d van ce d N VC p ra ctic e s. SA V E a n e x tr a 1 0% a t N on vio le n tC om mun ic atio n .c o m w it h
c o d e: b ook ad s Resp ectfu l P are n ts , R esp ectfu l K id s
7 K ey s t o T urn F am ily C on flic t I n to C o-o p era tio n
b y S u ra H art a n d V ic to ria K in dle H od so n
T ra d e P ap er 7 .5 x9 .2 5, 2 56p p
IS B N : 9 78-1 -8 92005-2 2-9
S to p th e S tr u gg le — Fin d th e C o- op era tio n a n d M utu al R esp ect
Y ou W an t!
D o m ore th an s im ply c o rre c t b ad b eh av io r— n ally u n lo ck y o u r p aren tin g
pote n tia l. U se th is h an dbo ok to m ove bey o n d ty p ic a l d is c ip li n e te ch n iq u es
an d b eg in cre atin g an en vir o n m en t b ase d o n m utu al res pect, em otio n al
sa fe ty , a n d p osit iv e, o p en c o m mun ic atio n . R esp ectfu l P are n ts , R esp ectfu l
K id s o ff ers 7 S im ple K ey s to d is c o ver th e m utu al re sp ect an d n u rtu rin g
re la tio n sh ip s y o u ’v e b een l o okin g f o r.
U se t h ese 7 K ey s t o :
Set rm l i m it s w it h ou t u sin g d em an ds o r c o er cio n
A ch ie v e m utu al r e sp ec t w it h ou t b ei ng s u bm is s iv e
S u cce ss fu lly p re v en t, r e d u ce, a n d r es olv e co n ic ts
E m pow er yo u r kid s to op en up, co -o p er ate , an d re a li z e th ei r fu ll
p ote n tia l
M ak e y o u r h om e a N o-F au lt Z on e w here t r u st t h riv es
A vaila b le fr o m P udd le D an ce r P re ss, th e C en te r fo r N on vio le n t C om mun ic a tio n , all m ajo r
b ooksto re s, a n d A m azo n .c o m . D is tr ib u te d b y I n dep en den t P ubli s h er’s G ro u p: 8 00-8 88-4 741. e E m path y F acto r
You r C om petit iv e A dva n ta ge fo r P erso n al, T ea m , a n d B usin ess S u cc e ss
b y M arie R . M iy a sh ir o , A .P .R .
Tra d e P ap er 6 x9 , 2 56p p
IS B N : 9 78-1 -8 92005-2 5-0
“ B re a k th ro u gh th in kin g fr o m co ver to co ver. e Em path y
F acto r w ill h elp th ou gh tfu l b u sin ess p eo p le a d d s u bsta n ce a n d
dim en sio n t o r e la tio n sh ip s w it h in t h e w ork fo rc e — co lle a g u es a n d
cu sto m ers.”
— JA M ES B . H AY ES , F orm er P ubli s h er, F O RT U N E M ag azin e
In th is gro u n dbre a k in g bo ok, aw ard -w in nin g co m mun ic atio n an d
org an iz atio n al str a te g is t M arie Miy ash ir o ex p lo res th e mis s in g elem ent
le a d ers m ust e m plo y t o b u ild p ro ts a n d p ro du ctiv it y i n t h e new e co n om y—
E m path y.
e Em path y Facto r ta k es D r. M arsh all Rose n berg ’s w ork dev elo p in g
C om pass io n ate Com mun ic atio n in to th e bu sin es s co m mun it y by
in tr o du cin g In te g ra te d C la rit y ®— a p ow erfu l fr a m ew ork yo u ca n u se to
u n dersta n d an d eff ec tiv ely m eet th e crit ic a l n eed s of yo u r org an iz a tio n
w it h ou t c o m pro m is in g t h ose o f y o u r em plo yees o r c u sto m ers . SA V E a n e x tr a 1 0% a t N on vio le n tC om mun ic atio n .c o m w it h
c o d e: b ook ad s Word s at W ork I n B usin ess
A P ra ctic a l G uid e to E ffectiv e C om m unic a tio n i n t h e W ork p la ce
b y I k e L asa te r
w it h J u li e S tile s
T ra d e P ap er 5 -3 /8 x8 -3 /8 , 1 44p p
IS B N : 9 78-1 -8 92005-0 1-4
D o Y ou W an t t o B e H ap pie r, M ore E ff ectiv e, a n d E xp erie n ce L ess
S tr e ss a t W ork ?
D o y o u w is h f o r m ore r e sp ec tfu l w ork r e la tio n sh ip s? T o m ove bey o n d g o ss ip
a n d p ow er str u gg le s, to im pro ved tr u st an d p ro du ctiv it y ? If yo u ’v e ev er
w on dere d if ju st o n e p ers o n ca n p osit iv ely a ff ect w ork re la tio n sh ip s a n d
co m pan y c u lt u re , r e g ard le ss o f y o u r p osit io n , t h is b o ok o ff ers a r es ou n din g
“y es.” e k ey i s s h i in g h ow w e th in k a n d t a lk .
F orm er att o rn ey -tu rn ed -m ed ia to r, Ik e Lasa ter , off er s pra ctic a l
co m mun ic atio n sk ills m atc h ed w it h re co gn iz a b le work sc e n ario s to h elp
a n yo n e a d dre ss t h e m ost c o m mon w ork p la ce re la tio n sh ip c h allen ges . L earn
p ro ven co m mun ic atio n sk ills to : E njo y yo u r w ork d ay m ore; eff ectiv ely
h an dle d iffi cu lt c o n vers a tio n s; r e d u ce w ork p la ce co n ic t a n d s tr es s; i m pro ve
in div id u al a n d te am p ro du ctiv it y ; b e m ore eff ectiv e at m eet in gs; a n d g iv e
an d r e ce iv e m ean in gfu l f e ed back . Availa b le fr o m P udd le D an ce r P re ss, th e C en te r fo r N on vio le n t C om mun ic a tio n , all m ajo r
b ooksto re s, a n d A m azo n .c o m . D is tr ib u te d b y I n dep en den t P ubli s h er’s G ro u p: 8 00-8 88-4 741. Bein g G en uin e
Sto p B ein g N ic e , S ta rt B ein g R ea l
b y om as d ’A nse m bou rg
T ra d e P ap er 5 -3 /8 x8 -3 /8 , 2 80p p
IS B N : 9 78-1 -8 92005-2 1-2
B ein g G en u in e b rin gs om as d ’A nse m bou rg ’s b lo ck b u ster F ren ch tit le to
t h e E ngli s h m ark et. H is w ork o ff er s y o u a fr es h n ew p er sp ectiv e on th e
pro ven s k ills o ff ere d in th e b ests e lli n g b o ok, N on vio le n t C om munic a tio n : A
L an gu age of L if e . D ra w in g o n h is o w n r e a l- li f e e x am ples a n d s to ries , om as
d ’A nse m bou rg p ro vid es p ra ctic a l s k ills a n d c o n cret e ste p s th at a llo w u s to
s a fe ly re m ove th e m ask s w e w ear, w hic h pre v en t th e in tim acy an d
sa tis fa ctio n w e d esir e w it h o u r in tim ate partn ers , c h ild ren , p aren ts , f r ien ds,
fa m ily , a n d c o lle a g u es.
“ ro u gh th is bo ok, w e ca n fe el N on vio len t C om mun ic atio n n ot as a
fo rm ula bu t as a ric h , m ean in gfu l w ay of li f e , both in te lle ctu ally an d
em otio n ally .”
— Vic k i R ob in , c o -fo u n der, C on vers a tio n C afe s, c o au th or, Y ou r M on ey o r
Y ou r L if e
B ase d o n M arsh all R ose n berg ’s N on vio le n t C om mun ic a tio n p ro ce ss SA V E a n e x tr a 1 0% a t N on vio le n tC om mun ic atio n .c o m w it h
c o d e: b ook ad s Pea ce fu l L iv in g
D aily M ed it a tio n s f o r L iv in g W it h L ove, H ea li n g, a n d C om pa ssio n
b y M ary M ack en zie
T ra d e P ap er 5 x7 .5 , 4 48p p
IS B N : 9 78-1 -8 92005-1 9-9
In th is gath erin g of w is d om , M ary M ack en zie em pow er s yo u w it h an
in tim ate li f e m ap th at w ill li t e ra lly c h an ge th e co u rs e of y o u r li f e fo r th e
bett e r. E ach o f th e 3 66 m ed it a tio n s in clu des an in sp ir a tio n al q u ote an d
co n cre te , p ra ctic a l tip s fo r in te g ra tin g th e daily m ess a g e in to y o u r li f e . e
le arn ed b eh av io rs o f c y n ic is m , res en tm en t, a n d g ett in g e v en a re rep la ce d
w it h th e sk ills o f N on vio le n t C om mun ic atio n , in clu din g re co gn iz in g o n e’s
n eed s a n d v alu es a n d m ak in g c h oic e s i n a li g n m en t w it h t h em .
Pea ce fu l L iv in g go es b ey o n d d aily affi rm atio n s, p ro vid in g th e sk ills an d
co n sc io u sn ess y o u n eed to tr a n sfo rm r e la tio n sh ip s, h ea l p ain , a n d d is c o ver
th e li f e -e n ric h in g m ean in g b eh in d e v en th e most tr y in g sit u atio n s. B eg in
e a ch d ay c e n te re d a n d c o n nec te d to y o u rs e lf a n d y o u r v alu es . D ir e ct th e
co u rs e o f y o u r l i f e t o w ard y o u r d eep es t h op es a n d n eed s. G ro u n d y o u rs e lf i n
t h e p ow er o f c o m pass io n ate , c o n sc io u s l i v in g.
A vaila b le fr o m P udd le D an ce r P re ss, th e C en te r fo r N on vio le n t C om mun ic a tio n , all m ajo r
b ooksto re s, a n d A m azo n .c o m . D is tr ib u te d b y I n dep en den t P ubli s h er’s G ro u p: 8 00-8 88-4 741. e N o-F au lt C la ssr o om
Tools t o R eso lv e C on flic t & F oste r R ela tio n sh ip I n te lli g en ce
b y S u ra H art a n d V ic to ria K in dle H od so n
T ra d e P ap er 8 .5 x1 1, 2 56p p
IS B N : 9 78-1 -8 92005-1 8-2
S tu den ts C an R eso lv e eir O wn C on fl ic ts !
O fferin g f a r m ore t h an d is c ip li n e t e ch n iq u es t h at m ove ag gres siv e beh av io r
o u t o f t h e c la ss ro om t o t h e p la y g ro u n d o r s id ew alk , e No-F au lt C la ssr o om
le a d s stu den ts ag es 7 – 12 to d ev elo p sk ills in p ro blem so lv in g, em path ic
li s te n in g, a n d c o n ic t r e so lu tio n t h at w ill l a st a l i f et im e.
e b o ok’s 2 1 in te ra ctiv e a n d step -b y-s tep les so n s, c o n str u ctio n m ater ia ls ,
a n d a d ap ta b le s c rip ts g iv e e d u cato rs t h e to ols t h ey n eed t o r et urn o rd er a n d
co op era tio n to th e cla ss ro om a n d ju m psta rt en gag ed le arn in g— fr o m th e
ru ra l sc h ool to th e in ner cit y , th e ch arter sc h ool, to th e hom e sc h ool
cla ss ro om . C urric u la r T ie- in s g u id e te a ch ers to u se th e c o n ic t res olu tio n
to ols t h ey ’v e d ev elo p ed t o m eet s ta te l e arn in g r e q u ir em ents i n s o cia l s tu dies ,
la n gu ag e a rts , h is to ry, r e a d in g, a n d s c ien ce.
S A V E a n e x tr a 1 0% a t N on vio le n tC om mun ic atio n .c o m w it h
c o d e: b ook ad s e C om passio n ate C la ssr o om
R ela tio n sh ip B ase d T ea ch in g a n d L ea rn in g
b y S u ra H art a n d V ic to ria K in dle H od so n
T ra d e P ap er 7 .5 x9 .2 5, 2 08p p
IS B N : 9 78-1 -8 92005-0 6-9
W hen C om passio n riv es, S o D oes L ea rn in g
Learn p ow erfu l sk ills to c re ate a n em otio n ally sa fe le arn in g en vir o n m en t
where a ca d em ic e x celle n ce t h riv es. B uild t r u st, r e d u ce c o n ic t, im pro ve co -
op era tio n , an d m ax im iz e th e poten tia l of ea ch stu den t as yo u cre ate
r e la tio n sh ip -c e n te re d cla ss ro om s. is h ow -to gu id e off er s cu sto m iz a b le
e x erc is e s, a ctiv it ie s, c h arts , a n d c u to u ts th at m ak e it e a sy fo r e d u cato rs to
c re ate l e ss o n p la n s f o r a d ay, a w eek , o r a n en tir e sc h ool y ear. A n ex cep tio n al
re so u rc e fo r ed u cato rs , hom esc h ool paren ts , ch ild -c a re pro vid er s, an d
m en to rs .
“ E du catio n is n ot s im ply a b ou t t e a ch er s c o ver in g a c u rric u lu m ; it is a d an ce
o f re la tio n sh ip s. e Com pa ssio n ate Cla ssr o om p re se n ts b oth th e c a se fo r
te a ch in g c o m pass io n ate ly a n d a w id e ra n ge o f p ra ctic a l to ols to m ax im iz e
stu den t p ote n tia l.”
— Tim S eld in , p re sid en t, e M on te ss o ri F ou n datio n A vaila b le f r o m
P udd le D an ce r P re ss, t h e C en te r f o r N on vio le n t C om mun ic a tio n , a ll
m ajo r b ooksto re s, a n d A m azo n .c o m . D is tr ib u te d b y I n dep en den t
P ubli s h er’s G ro u p: 8 00-8 88-4 741. Lif e -E nric h in g E du ca tio n
N on vio le n t C om munic a tio n H elp s Sch ools Im pro ve Perfo rm an ce , Red u ce
C on flic t, a n d E nhan ce Rela tio n sh ip s
b y M arsh all B . R ose n berg , P hD
Tra d e P ap er 6 x9 , 1 92p p
IS B N : 9 78-1 -8 92005-0 5-2
F ille d w it h in sig h t, ad ap ta b le ex ercis es , an d ro le- pla y s, L if e- Enric h in g
E du ca tio n g iv es ed u cato rs p ra ctic a l sk ills to g en er ate m utu ally res pectfu l
cla ss ro om re la tio n sh ip s. D is c o ver h ow ou r la n gu ag e an d org an iz atio n al
str u ctu re s d ir e c tly im pact s tu den t p oten tia l, tr u st, s e lf - es te em , a n d s tu den t
en jo ym en t in th eir le arn in g. R ed is c o ver th e jo y o f te a ch in g in a c la ss ro om
w here e a ch p ers o n’s n eed s a re r es pecte d !
N VC W ill E m pow er Y ou t o :
G et t o t h e h eart o f c la ss ro om c o n ic ts q u ic k ly
L is te n s o s tu den ts a re r e a lly h eard
M ax im iz e t h e i n div id u al p ote n tia l o f a ll s tu den ts
S tr e n gth en stu den t in te re st, ret en tio n , an d co n nectio n to th ei r
sc h oolw ork
Im pro ve t r u st a n d c o n nec tio n i n y o u r c la ss ro om c o m mun it y
L et g o o f u n hea lt h y, c o erc iv e t e a ch in g s ty les
I m pro ve c la ss ro om t e am work , e ffi cien cy, a n d c o -o p er atio n SA V E a n e x tr a 1 0% a t N on vio le n tC om mun ic atio n .c o m w it h
c o d e: b ook ad s Eat b y C hoic e , N ot b y H ab it
P ra ctic a l S kill s f o r C re a tin g a H ea lt h y R ela tio n sh ip W it h Y ou r B od y a n d F ood
b y S ylv ia H ask vit z
5 -3 /8 x8 -3 /8 , 1 28p p
IS B N : 9 78-1 -8 92005-2 0-5
“ F ace Y ou r S tu ff , o r S tu ff Y ou r F ace”
— an on ym ou s
E atin g is a b asic h u m an n eed . B ut w hat i f y o u a re cau gh t u p i n t h e cy cles o f
overc o n su m ptio n o r e m otio n al e atin g?
U sin g t h e c o n sc io u sn ess o f N on vio len t C om mun ic atio n , E at b y C hoic e h elp s
yo u d ig d eep er in to t h e e m otio n al c o n sc io u sn ess t h at u n der li es y o u r e atin g
patt e rn s. M uch m ore th an a p res crip tiv e fa d d iet , yo u ’l l le arn p ra ctic a l
str a te g ie s to d ev elo p a h ea lt h ie r r e la tio n sh ip w it h fo od . L earn to en jo y th e
ta ste s, s m ells , a n d s e n sa tio n s o f h ea lt h fu l e atin g o n ce ag ain .
Availa b le fr o m P udd le D an ce r P re ss, th e C en te r fo r N on vio le n t C om mun ic a tio n , all m ajo r
b ooksto re s, a n d A m azo n .c o m . D is tr ib u te d b y I n dep en den t P ubli s h er’s G ro u p: 8 00-8 88-4 741. Tra d e B ook le ts F ro m P udd le D an ce r P re ss
B ein g M e, L ovin g Y ou : A P ra ctic a l G uid e t o E xtr a ord in ary R ela tio n sh ip s b y M arsh all B . R ose n berg ,
P hD • W atc h y o u r re la tio n sh ip s str e n gth en a s y o u le arn to th in k o f lo ve a s so m eth in g y o u “d o,”
s o m eth in g y o u g iv e f r e ely f r o m t h e h eart.
8 0p p, I S B N : 9 78-1 -8 92005-1 6-8 Gett in g P ast t h e P ain B etw een U s: H ea li n g a n d R eco n cili a tio n W it h ou t C om pro m is e b y M arsh all B .
R ose n berg , P hD • L earn s im ple s te p s t o c re ate t h e h eartfe lt p re se n ce n ece ss a ry f o r la stin g h ea li n g t o
o cc u r— gre at f o r m ed ia to rs , c o u n se lo rs , f a m ili e s, a n d c o u ple s.
4 8p p, I S B N : 9 78-1 -8 92005-0 7-6 Gra d u atin g F ro m G uilt : S ix S te p s t o O verc o m e G uilt a n d R ecla im Y ou r L if e b y H olly M ic h elle E ck ert
• e b u rd en o f g u ilt le av es u s s tu ck , s tr e ss e d , a n d fe eli n g li k e w e c a n n ev er m ea su re u p. ro u gh a
p ro ven s ix -s te p p ro ce ss , t h is b o ok h elp s l i b era te y o u f r o m t h e t o xic g u ilt , b la m e, a n d s h am e y o u c a rr y.
9 6p p, I S B N : 9 78-1 -8 92005-2 3-6 e H ea rt o f S o cia l C han ge: H ow to M ake a D iff ere n ce in Y ou r W orld b y M arsh all B . R ose n berg ,
P hD • L earn h ow c re atin g a n in te rn al c o n sc io u sn ess o f c o m pass io n c a n im pact y o u r s o cia l c h an ge
eff orts .
4 8p p, I S B N : 9 78-1 -8 92005-1 0-6 Hum an iz in g H ea lt h C are : C re a tin g C ult u re s of C om pa ssio n W it h N on vio le n t C om m unic a tio n b y
M ela n ie S ea rs, R N , M BA • L ev era g in g m ore t h an 2 5 y ears n u rs in g e x p erie n ce, M ela n ie d em on str a te s
th e p ro fo u n d e ff ectiv en ess o f N VC to c re ate la stin g, p osit iv e im pro vem en ts to p atie n t c a re a n d th e
h ea lt h c a re w ork p la ce.
1 12p p, I S B N : 9 78-1 -8 92005-2 6-7 Pare n tin g F ro m Y ou r H ea rt: S h arin g th e G i s o f C om pa ssio n , C on n ectio n , a n d C hoic e b y In bal
K ash ta n • F ille d w it h i n sig h t a n d p ra ctic a l s k ills , t h is b o ok le t w ill h elp y o u t r a n sfo rm y o u r p are n tin g
to a d dre ss e v ery d ay c h alle n ges.
4 8p p, I S B N : 9 78-1 -8 92005-0 8-3 Pra ctic a l S p ir it u ali t y : R efl ectio n s o n t h e S p ir it u al B asis o f N on vio le n t C om m unic a tio n b y M arsh all B .
R ose n berg , P hD • M arsh all’s v ie w s o n th e sp ir it u al o rig in s a n d u n derp in nin gs o f N VC, a n d h ow
p ra ctic in g t h e p ro ce ss h elp s h im c o n nect t o t h e D iv in e.
4 8p p, I S B N : 9 78-1 -8 92005-1 4-4 Rais in g C hild re n C om passio n ate ly : P are n tin g th e N on vio le n t C om munic a tio n W ay b y M arsh all B .
R ose n berg , P hD • L earn to cre ate a m utu ally re sp ectfu l, en ric h in g fa m ily d yn am ic lle d w it h
h eartfe lt c o m mun ic atio n .
32p p, I S B N : 9 78-1 -8 92005-0 9-0 e S u rp ris in g P urp ose o f A nger : B ey o n d A nger M an agem en t: F in din g th e G i b y M arsh all B .
R ose n berg , P hD • M arsh all s h ow s y o u h ow t o u se a n ger t o d is c o ver w hat y o u n eed , a n d t h en h ow t o
m eet y o u r n eed s i n m ore c o n str u ctiv e, h ea lt h y w ay s.
4 8p p, I S B N : 9 78-1 -8 92005-1 5-1 Tea ch in g C hild re n C om passio n ate ly : H ow Stu den ts an d Tea ch ers C an Su cce ed W it h M utu al
U ndersta n din g b y M arsh all B . R ose n berg , P hD • In th is n atio n al k ey n ote a d dre ss to M on te ss o ri
e d u cato rs , M arsh all desc rib es his pro gre ss iv e, ra d ic a l ap pro ach to te a ch in g th at ce n te rs on
co m pass io n ate c o n nectio n .
48p p, I S B N : 9 78-1 -8 92005-1 1-3 We C an W ork I t O ut: R eso lv in g C on flic ts P ea ce fu lly a n d P ow erfu lly b y M arsh all B . R ose n berg , P hD •
P ra ctic a l su ggestio n s fo r fo ste rin g em path ic co n nectio n , gen u in e co -o p era tio n , an d sa tis fy in g
re so lu tio n s i n e v en t h e m ost d iffi cu lt s it u atio n s.
3 2p p, I S B N : 9 78-1 -8 92005-1 2-0 What’s M ak in g Y ou A ngry ? 1 0 S te p s to T ra n sfo rm in g A nger S o E very o n e W in s by S h ari K le in a n d
N eill G ib so n • A p ow erfu l, ste p -b y-s te p ap pro ach to tr a n sfo rm an ger to n d h ea lt h y, m utu ally
s a tis fy in g o u tc o m es.
3 2p p, I S B N : 9 78-1 -8 92005-1 3-7
A vaila b le fr o m P udd le D an ce r P re ss, th e C en te r fo r N on vio le n t C om mun ic a tio n , all m ajo r
b ooksto re s, a n d A m azo n .c o m . D is tr ib u te d b y I P G : 8 00-8 8 8-4 7 41. F or m ore in fo rm atio n a b ou t
th ese b ook le ts o r t o o rd er o n li n e, v is it w ww.N on vio le n tC om mun ic a tio n .c o m
S A V E a n e x tr a 1 0% a t N on vio le n tC om mun ic atio n .c o m w it h
c o d e: b ook ad s Abou t t h e A uth or
M arsh all B . R ose n berg , P hD ( 1 934 – 2015) f o u n ded a n d w as f o r m an y y ears
th e D ir e c to r of Edu catio n al Ser vic e s fo r th e Cen ter fo r N on vio len t
Com mun ic atio n , a n i n te rn atio n al p ea cem ak in g o rg an iz atio n .
D urin g his li f e he au th ore d een bo oks, in clu din g th e bes ts e lli n g
N on vio le n t C om munic a tio n : A L an gu age of L if e ( P udd le D an ce r P re ss ), w hic h
h as s o ld m ore th an o n e m illi o n c o p ies w orld w id e an d h as b een tr a n sla te d
in to m ore t h an 3 0 l a n gu ag es, w it h m ore tr a n sla tio n s i n t h e w ork s.
P hoto b y B eth B an nin g
D r. R ose n berg h as re ce iv ed a n um ber o f aw ard s fo r h is N on vio le n t
C om mun ic a tio n w ork i n clu din g:
2014: C ham pio n o f F org iv en ess A w ard fr o m th e World w id e Forg iv en ess
Alli a n ce
2 006: Brid ge of Pea ce N on vio len ce Aw ard fr o m th e Glo b al Villa g e
F ou n datio n
2005: L ig h t o f G od E xp re ss in g in S o ciet y A w ard fr o m th e Ass o cia tio n o f
U nit y C hu rc h es 2004: Reli g io u s Scie n ce In te rn atio n al Gold en
W ork s A w ard
2004: In te rn atio n al P ea ce P ra y er D ay M an o f P ea ce Aw ard b y th e Hea lt h y,
H ap py H oly ( 3 H O) O rg an iz atio n
2002: P rin ce ss A nne o f E ngla n d an d C hief o f P oli c e R es to ra tiv e Ju stic e
A ppre cia tio n A w ard
2 000: I n te rn atio n al L is te n in g A ss o cia tio n L is ten er o f t h e Year A w ard
D r. R ose n berg rst u se d th e N VC p ro ce ss in fe d er ally fu n ded sc h ool
in te g ra tio n p ro je c ts t o p ro vid e m ed ia tio n a n d c o m mun ic atio n s k ills t r a in in g
du rin g th e 1 960s. e C en te r fo r N on vio len t C om mun ic atio n , w hic h h e
fo u n ded in 1984, now has hu n dre d s of ce rti ed N VC tr a in er s an d
su pp orte rs t e a ch in g N VC i n m ore th an s ix ty c o u ntr ies a ro u n d t h e glo b e.
A s o u gh t- a er p re se n te r, p ea ce m ak er a n d v is io n ary l e a d er, D r. R osen ber g
le d N VC w ork sh op s an d in te rn atio n al in ten siv e tr a in in gs fo r ten s of
th ou sa n ds o f p eo p le in o ver 6 0 c o u ntr ies a cro ss th e world a n d p ro vid ed
tr a in in g an d in it ia te d p ea ce p ro gra m s in m an y w ar- to rn are a s in clu din g
N ig eria , Sie rra L eo n e, an d th e M id d le East. H e work ed tir e les sly w it h
e d u cato rs , m an ag ers , hea lt h ca re pro vid er s, la w yer s, m ili t a ry offi cer s,
p ris o n ers , p oli c e a n d p ris o n o ffi cia ls , g o ver nm en t o ffi cia ls , a n d in div id u al
fa m ili e s. W it h g u it a r a n d p u pp ets i n h an d a n d a s p ir it u al en ergy t h at lle d a
r o om , M arsh all sh ow ed u s h ow to c re ate a m ore pea cef ul a n d sa tis fy in g
w orld .
