DISCUSSION QUESTIONS 1. (a) Who is the best listener you know? (b) Describe what that person does that makes him or her so good at listening.2. (a) Who makes you the most defensive when you talk wit

chapter 8 - self-evaluation 1: what about you?

Are you an active listener?

REMEMBER TO COMPLETE THE QUESTIONS

AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE

Reflective listening is a skill that you can practice and learn. Here are ten tips to help you become a better listener.

1. Stop talking. You cannot listen if your mouth is moving.

1. Put the speaker at ease. Break the ice to help the speaker relax. Smile!

1. Show the speaker you want to listen. Put away your work. Do not look at your watch. Maintain good eye contact.

1. Remove distractions. Close your door. Do not answer the telephone.

1. Empathize with the speaker. Put yourself in the speaker’s shoes.

1. Be patient. Not everyone delivers messages at the same pace.

1. Hold your temper. Do not fly off the handle.

1. Go easy on criticism. Criticizing the speaker can stifle communication.

1. Ask questions. Paraphrase and clarify the speaker’s message.

1. Stop talking. By this stage, you are probably very tempted to start talking, but do not. Be sure the speaker has finished.

1. Think of the last time you had a difficult communication with someone at work or school. Describe it.

2. Evaluate yourself in that situation against each of the ten items.

3. Which one(s) do you need to improve on the most?

SOURCE: From “Steps to Better Listening” by C. Hamilton and B. H. Kleiner. Copyright © February 1987. Reprinted with permission, Personnel Journal, all rights reserved.

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chapter 8 – self-evaluation 2: what about you?

What kind of a defender are you?

Not all of our communication is defensive, but each of us has a tendency to engage in either subordinate or dominant defensiveness. The following two lists (List 1 on this page and List 2 on the next page) present twelve sets of choices that will help you see whether you tend to be more subordinate or dominant when you communicate defensively. Read the lists of subordinate defensive and dominant defensive responses below. Your job is to allocate 10 points between the two alternatives in each of the twelve rows (7 and 3, 5 and 5, 2 and 8, 6 and 4, etc.).

For example, using the No. 1 responses in List1 and List 2, do you “explain, prove, justify your actions, ideas or feelings more than is required for results wanted?” (List 1) or do you “prove that you’re right?” (List 2) If you respond to “prove that you’re right” more often, you may decide to give yourself 2 (for the first list) and 8 points (for the second list). However, if you do each of these behaviors about equally, though at different times, you may want to give yourself 5 points on each list for No. 1. Work through each question this way comparing the questions between List 1 and List 2. Add your total points for each column. The larger number identifies your defensive style. Report your totals when you e-mail your professor your results.

List 1 - Subordinate Defensiveness

1. ____ Explain, prove, justify your actions, ideas, or feelings more than is required for results wanted.

2. ____ Ask why things are done the way they are, when you really want to change them. Why don’t they . . . ?

3. ____ Ask permissions when not needed. Is it okay with you if . . . ?

4. ____ Give away decisions, ideas, or power when it would be appropriate to claim them as your own. Don’t you think that . . . ?

5. ____ Apologize, feel inadequate, say I’m sorry when you’re not.

6. ____ Submit or withdraw when it’s not in your best interest. Whatever you say . . .

7. ____ Lose your cool, lash out, cry where it’s inappropriate (turning your anger toward yourself).

8. ____ Go blank, click off, be at a loss for words just when you want to have a ready response. I should’ve said . . . (afterwards)

9. ____ Use coping humor, hostile jocularity, or put yourself down when “buying time” or honest feedback would get better results. Why don’t you lay off?

10. ____ Use self-deprecating adjectives and reactive verbs. I’m just a . . . I’m just doing what I was told.

11. ____ Use the general you and they when I and personal names would state the situation more clearly. They really hassle you here.

12. ____ Smile to cover up feelings or put yourself down since you don’t know what else to do and it’s nice.

____ TOTAL Subordinate Points

List 2 - Dominant Defensiveness

1. ____ Prove that you’re right. I told you so. Now see, that proves my point.

2. ____ Give patient explanations but few answers. It’s always been done this way. We tried that before, but . . .

3. ____ Give or deny permission. Oh, I couldn’t let you do that.

4. ____ Make decisions or take power as your natural right. The best way to do it is . . . Don’t argue, just do as I say.

5. ____ Prod people to get the job done. Don’t just stand there . . .

6. ____ Take over a situation or decision even when it’s delegated; get arbitrary. My mind is made up.

7. ____ Lose your cool, yell, pound the desk where it’s inappropriate (turning your anger toward others).

8. ____ Shift responsibility for something you should have taken care of yourself. You’ve always done it before. What’re you all of a sudden upset for now?

9. ____ Use coping humor, baiting, teasing, hostile jocularity, mimicry to keep other people off balance so you don’t have to deal with them. What’s the matter, can’t you take it?

10. ____ Impress others with how many important people you know. The other night at Bigname’s party when I was talking to . . .

11. ____ Don’t listen: interpret. Catch the idea of what they’re saying, then list rebuttals or redefine their point. Now what you really mean is . . .

12. ____ Use verbal dominance, if necessary, to make your point. Don’t let anyone interrupt what you have to say.

____ TOTAL Dominant Points