I need a revision and a final draft written for the Rough Draft attached. The feedback from instructor is also attached. Here are the instructions for the assignment:By the due date assigned, review y

Consider adding 3 reasons to the thesis, and say "it should be illegal"

In the body, develop a paragraph for each reason.

As is, you have so many tiny paragraphs, that the development doesn't support a single claim/focus.

Try combining paragraphs and develop 3 body paragraphs...one for each reason that support your position.

The other option is to use the 6 part outline. Either way, combine paragraphs based on the outline you prefer.

Edit for minor errors.

I'd focus on the position and supporting points, maybe add a quote or stat to the conclusion.