I need a revision and a final draft written for the Rough Draft attached. The feedback from instructor is also attached. Here are the instructions for the assignment:By the due date assigned, review y
Consider adding 3 reasons to the thesis, and say "it should be illegal"
In the body, develop a paragraph for each reason.
As is, you have so many tiny paragraphs, that the development doesn't support a single claim/focus.
Try combining paragraphs and develop 3 body paragraphs...one for each reason that support your position.
The other option is to use the 6 part outline. Either way, combine paragraphs based on the outline you prefer.
Edit for minor errors.
I'd focus on the position and supporting points, maybe add a quote or stat to the conclusion.