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The New York Times
January 11, 2017 Wednesday 00:00 EST
Talking With Both Daughters and Sons About Sex;
Adolescence
BYLINE: LISA DAMOUR
SECTION: WELL; family
LENGTH: 1118 words
HIGHLIGHT: When parents talk about sex with their teenagers, they tend to view boys as playing offense and girls
playing defense.
Parents play a key role in shaping sexual decision-making among adolescents - especially for girls.
A 2016 review of more than three decades of research found that teenagers who communicated with their parents about
sex used safer sexual practices. Likewise, new research from Dutch investigators who studied nearly 3,000 teenagers
found that young adolescents who reported feeling close with a parent were unlikely to have had sex when surveyed
again two years later.
Notably, both research teams found that daughters benefited more than sons, and that the effective conversations and
relationships were typically had with mothers.
According to Laura Widman, lead author of the review study and an assistant professor of psychology at North Carolina
State University, "parents tend to talk about sex more with daughters than with sons, and we can speculate that that's
what's probably driving these findings. Boys may not get the messages as frequently or have the kind of in-depth
conversations that parents are having with girls."
Given the results of her research, Dr. Widman said that she "wouldn't want parents to get the idea that they only need to
talk to daughters. In fact, it may be the opposite. We need to find a way to help parents do a better job of
communicating with both their sons and daughters so that all teens are making safer sexual decisions."
That parents have more frequent conversations with their daughters about sex and sexual development may be prompted
by biological realities. Menstruation, HPV vaccination (which remains more common in girls than boys), and the fact
that birth control pills require a prescription might spur discussions that aren't being had with sons.
Yet experts also agree that gender stereotypes play a powerful role in sidelining both fathers and sons when it comes to
conversations about emotional and physical intimacy. Andrew Smiler, a psychologist who specializes in male sexual
development, noted that women generally "have a better vocabulary for talking about feelings and relationships than
boys and men do. Fathers may be a little more stoic, more reserved and more hands-off." And, he added, "they may play
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These same stereotypes can also tend to steer the conversation in one direction with daughters and another direction
with sons. When parents do address sexual topics with their teenagers, they typically adopt a heterosexual frame with
boys playing offense and girls playing defense.
"We usually view our girls as potential victims who need to be protected from pregnancy and rape," says Sheryl Ziegler,
a psychologist who provides mother-daughter seminars on puberty and sexual development, while boys are often cast as
testosterone-fueled prowlers looking for nothing but sex. These assumptions often drive how parents approach the
conversation. Dr. Mary Ott, an associate professor of pediatrics at Indiana University and the author of a research
synopsis on sexual development in adolescent boys observed that, "when parents talk with boys, there's an assumption
that they'll have sex and they are advised to use condoms. Whereas for girls, there's more of a focus on abstinence and
delaying sex."
Parental concern about the negative consequences of adolescent sexual activity can reduce "the talk" to a laundry list of
don'ts. Don't get a sexually transmitted infection, don't get pregnant or get a girl pregnant and don't proceed without
gaining consent. Critical as these topics are, Dr. Ziegler points out that they can "become the focus, so much more than
having a quality conversation about why we are sexual beings, or talking about all of the ways we can express love."
And failing to acknowledge the pleasurable side of sex can, according to Dr. Smiler, hurt the credibility of adults.
"When parents only acknowledge the scary side of the story," he said, "teenagers can devalue everything else the
parents have to say."
So how might we do justice to conversations with both our daughters and sons about emotional and physical intimacy?
Over the years in my work as a clinician, I've come to a single tack that I take with adolescent girls and boys alike. First,
I prompt teenagers to reflect on what they want out of the sexual side of their romantic life, whenever it begins. Why are
they being physically intimate, what would they like to have happen, what would feel good?
Following that, I encourage each teenager to learn about what his or her partner wants. I urge them to secure not just
consent, but enthusiastic agreement. Given that we also grant consent for root canals, gaining mere permission seems, to
me, an awfully low bar for what should be the joys of physical sexuality. Dr. Smiler adds that any conversation about
consent should avoid gender stereotypes and address the fact that boys experience sexual coercion and assault and
"include the idea that boys can and do say no."
Finally, if the parties are enthusiastically agreeing to sexual activity that comes with risks - pregnancy, infection, the
potential for heartbreak, and so on - they need to work together to address those hazards.
Research suggests that this shouldn't be a single sit-down. The more charged the topic, the better it is served, and
digested, in small bites.
Further, returning to the topic over time allows parents to account for the rapidly shifting landscape of adolescent sexual
activity. We should probably be having one conversation with a 12-year-old, an age when intercourse is rare, and a
different one with a 17-year-old, half of whose peers have had sex.
Is it better for mom or dad to handle these discussions? Teenagers "want to have the conversation with someone they
trust and respect and who will show respect back to the teen," Dr. Smiler said. "Those issues are more important than
the sex of the person having the conversation."
How families talk with teenagers about their developing sexuality will reflect the parents' values and experiences but,
Dr. Ott notes, we're all in the business of raising sexually healthy adults.
"We want our teenagers to develop meaningful relationships and we want them to experience intimacy," she said, "so
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Talking With Both Daughters and Sons About Sex; Adolescence The New York Times January 11, 2017 Wednesday
00:00 EST we need to move our conversations about sex away from sex as a risk factor category and toward sex as part of healthy
development." And we need to do so with our sons as well as our daughters.
Lisa Damour (@LDamour) is a psychologist in private practice in Shaker Heights, Ohio, a clinical instructor at Case
Western Reserve University and the director of Laurel School's Center for Research on Girls. She is the author of
"Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions Into Adulthood."
LOAD-DATE: January 12, 2017
LANGUAGE: ENGLISH
DOCUMENT-TYPE: News
PUBLICATION-TYPE: Web Blog
Copyright 2017 The New York Times Company
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Talking With Both Daughters and Sons About Sex; Adolescence The New York Times January 11, 2017 Wednesday
00:00 EST