Week 8 Discussion 2

The Effect of Conflict on Couples

There are a lot of things that couples go through and evaluating my own relationships there are so many things that can cause problems. I have to say that anger is a conflict that all couples experience but how you deal with the anger can ultimately tear down a relationship with a couple (Gottman, et al., 1998). Like I teach the youth at my job, when we say that we are angry, we are usually experiencing other feelings. I require my youth to give me feeling words that better describe how they are feeling instead of saying that they are angry. We all need to know that anger is a normal and healthy emotion but how we react to that emotion is important. Anger can cause a person to be abusive both verbally and physically. I have personally experienced a relationship like this. It was more verbal than physical abuse. It was also emotionally abusive. The abuse in the household not only affected the relationship but also with the children. Because the children were not biological, I think I took some of my frustrations off on them by not wanting to be bothered at times which was not fair to them. I ended up going to counseling which I feel helped me deal with my relationship and better my relationship with the children. I agree with one of my classmates that we all need to understand that conflict is normal “but there are appropriate ways to handle the situations (1998)”.

Gottman’s “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” process consisted of criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and “stonewalling”. This study said that these concepts were the main reasons for divorce (Gottman, et al., 1998). After reading this I see that all of these were present in my relationship. Criticism was the one that affected me the most because I felt attacked all the time about everything that I did. Criticism is a complaint that "attacks the character of the person" (Lisitsa, 2013, para. 3). The feeling of being attacked made me hate to come home because I felt like there it was going to be something wrong even if it wasn’t wrong. Because of my past, I started to withdraw from the family and close myself up in the room because I felt attacked which that started to cause problems. I think this describes contempt because my partner made me feel less of a person by constantly attacking me. "Defensiveness is defined as self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood in attempt to ward off a perceived attack" (Lisitsa, 2013, para. 5). I feel like I had to constantly be defensive because I felt attacked. When I tried to show that person that what they were doing or saying which hurt me, they became defensive and made me think that I was a bad person for expressing my feelings. “Stonewalling” is what I got from my partner when I started to express myself more but there was no care or concern in what I was saying.

As a future therapist, I understand that not all cases will be easy and some will be more challenging than others. My comfort level will vary depending on my clients because some might be more open than others. I am going to be more comfortable with those clients that are more open. The models and theories that I learn will help me to have a better relationship with my clients and help me to better understand them. I feel that I am an easy person to communicate to because I am a patient person. With working with the youth and families at work, I found that waiting until they feel like talking helps them to get more comfortable with me. Letting them know that I am not pressuring them but I would love to hear what they have to say, breaks the ice. I still continue to ask open-ended questions to get to know them and their issue but I don’t push too hard. What makes me uncomfortable initially is when working with parents that are not open to change or suggestions to help their relationship with their child…..basically those parents that are stuck in their ways. I would definitely refer to evidence-based research when working with my clients because most people like numbers and statistics. I will also share experiences if I can relate to the couple’s situation or issue. Sharing my experiences I feel will help my clients to better understand me as a person and develop trust because having their trust is important.

Reference

Gottman, J. M., Coan, J. Carrere, S., & Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting marital happiness and stability from newlywed interactions. Journal of Marriage and Family, 60(1), 5–22. Retrieved from the Walden Library databases

Lisitsa, E. (2013). The four horsemen: The antidotes. Retrieved on October 20, 2016 from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/