PLEASE all of attachments... Because its a long paper, you still have the BOOK as well.

THE BODY KEEPS THE SCORE BRAIN, MIND,ANDBODY I NTH EHEA LIN G 0F TR AUM A Bessel A.van derKolk, M.D.

~ Penguin Books CHAPTER18 FILLING INTHE HOLES:

CREATING STRUCTURES The greatest discovery ofmy generation isthat human beingscan alter their livesbyaltering theirattitudes ofmind.

-William James It is not that something differentisseen, butthat onesees differently.

It isas though thespatial actofseeing werechanged byanew dimension.

....•Carl Jung I t isone thing toprocess memories oftrauma, butitis an entirely different matter toconfront theinner void-the holesinthe soul that result fromnot having beenwanted, nothaving beenseen, andnothaving beenallowed to speak thetruth. Ifyour parents' facesnever litup when theylooked atyou, it's hard toknow whatitfeels liketobe loved andcherished. Ifyou come from an incomprehensible worldfilledwithsecrecy andfear, it'salmost impossible to find thewords toexpress whatyouhave endured. Ifyou grew upunwanted and ignored, itis amajor challenge todevelop avisceral senseofagency and self-worth. Theresearch thatJudy Herman, ChrisPerry, andIhad done (seechapter 9) showed thatpeople whofeltunwanted aschildren, andthose whodidnot . remember feelingsafewith anyone whilegrowing up,did not fully benefit from conventional psychotherapy, presumablybecausetheycould notacti- vate oldtraces offeeling caredfor, FILLING INTHE HOLES: CREATING STRUCTURES I could seethis even insome ofmy most committed andarticulate patients. Despitetheirhardwork intherapy andtheir share ofpersonal and professional accomplishments, theycould noterase thedevastating imprints of amother whowastoodepressed tonotice themorafather whotreated them likehewished they'dneverbeenborn. Itwas clear thattheir livesWould change fundamentally onlyifthey could reconstruct thoseimpUcit maps.

But how? Howcanwehelp people become viscerally acquainted withfeel- ings thatwere lacking earlyintheir lives?

I glimpsed apossible answerwhenIattended thefounding conference of the United StatesAssociation forBody Psychotherapy inJune 1994 atasmall college inBeverley onthe rocky Massachusetts coast.Ironically, Ihad been asked torepresent mainstream psychiatryatthe meeting andtospeak on using brainscans tovisualize mentalstates.Butassoon asIwalked intothe lobby where attendees hadgathered formorning coffee,Irealized thiswasa different crowdfrommyusual psychopharmacology orpsychotherapy gath- erings. Theway they talked toone another, theirpostures andgestures, radi- ated vitality andengagement-the sortofphysical reciprocity thatisthe essence ofattunement.

I soon struck upaconversation withAlbert Pesso,astocky former dan- cer with theMartha Graham DanceCompany whowasthen inhis early seventies. Underneath hisbushy eyebrows heexuded kindness andconfi- dence. Hetold methat hehad found away offundamentally changing people's relationship totheir core,somatic selves.Hisenthusiasm wasinfec- tious, butIwas skeptical andasked himifhe was certain hecould change the settings ofthe amygdala. Unfazedbythe fact that nobody hadever tested his method Scientifically, heconfidently assuredmethat hecould.

Pesso wasabout toconduct aworkshop in"PBSP psychomotortherapy,"J and heinvited metoattend. Itwas unlike anygroup workIhad ever seen. He took alow chair opposite awoman namedNancy, whomhecalled a"protag- onist," withtheother participants seatedonpillows aroundthem.Hethen invited Nancytotalk about whatwastroubling her,occasionally usingher pauses to"witness" whathewas observing-as in"A witness canseehow crestfallen youarewhen youtalk about yourfather deserting thefamily." I was impressed byhow carefully hetracked subtleshiftsinbody posture, facial expression, toneofvoice, andeyegaze, thenonverbal expressions of emotion. (Thisiscalled "microtracking" inpsychomotor therapy).

Each timePesso madea"witness statement," Nancy'sfaceandbody relaxed abit, asifshe feltcomforted bybeing seenandvalidated. Hisquiet comments seemedtobolster hercourage tocontinue andgodeeper. When 299 11 300 THE BODY KEEPS THESCORE Nancy started tocry, heobserved thatnobody shouldhavetobear somuch pain allbyherself, andheasked ifshe would liketochoose someone tosit next toher. (Hecalled thisa"contact person.") Nancynodded and,after care- fully scanning theroom, pointed toakind-looking middle-agedwoman.

Pesso askedNancy whereshewould likehercontact persontosit. "Right here," Nancy saiddecisively, indicating apillow immediately toher right.

I was fascinated. Peopleprocess spatialrelations withtheright hemi- sphere ofthe brain, andourneuroimaging researchhadshown thatthe, imprint oftrauma isprincipally onthe right hemisphere aswell (seechapter 3).

Caring, disapproval, andindifference allare primarily conveyedbyfacial expression, toneofvoice, andphysical movements. Accordingtorecent research, upto90 percent ofhuman communication occursinthe nonver- bal, right-hemisphere realm,?andthiswas where Pesso's workseemed pri- marily tobe directed. Asthe workshop wenton,Iwas also struck byhow the contact person's presence seemedto-helpNancytolerate thepainful experi- ences shewas dredging Up.3 But what wasmost unusual washow Pesso created tableaus-or ashe called them,"structures"-of theprotagonists' past.Asthe narratives unfolded, groupparticipants wereasked toplay theroles ofSignificant people in the protagonists' lives,suchasparents andother family members, sothat their inner world began totake form inthree-dimensional space.Group members werealsoenlisted toplay theideal, wished-for parentswhowould provide thesupport, love,andprotection thathadbeen lacking atcritical moments. Protagonists becamethedirectors oftheir ownplays, creating around themthepast they neverhad, andthey clearly experienced profound physical andmental reliefafterthese imaginary scenarios.Couldthistech- nique instill imprints ofsafety andcomfort alongside thoseofterror and abandonment, decadesaftertheoriginal shapingofmind andbrain?

Intrigued withthepromise ofPes so's work, Ieagerly accepted hisinvita- tion tovisit hishilltop farmhouse insouthern NewHampshire. Afterlunch beneath anancient oaktree, Alasked metojoin him inhis red clapboard barn, nowastudio, todo astructure. I'dspent several yearsinpsychoanaly- sis, soIdid notexpect anymajor revelations. Iwas asettled professional man in my forties withmyown family, andIthought ofmy parents astwo elderly people whowere trying tocreate adecent oldage forthemselves. Icertainly did notthink theystillhadamajor influence onme.

Since therewerenoother people available forrole-play, Albegan byask- ing metoselect anobject orapiece offurniture torepresent myfather. I chose agigantic blackleather couchandasked Altoput itupright abouteight FILLING INTHE HOLES: CREATING STRUCTURES 301 feet infront ofme, slightly tothe left. Then heasked ifI'd like tobring my mother intotheroom aswell, andIchose aheavy lamp,approximately the same height asthe upright couch.Asthe session continued, thespace became populated withtheimportant peopleinmy life: mybest friend, atiny Klee- nex boxtomy right; mywife, asmall pillow nexttohim; mytwo children, two more tinypillows.

After awhile Isurveyed theprojection ofmy internal landscape: two hulking, dark,andthreatening objectsrepresenting myparents andanarray of minuscule objectsrepresenting mywife, children, andfriends. Iwas astounded; Ihad re-created myinner image ofmy stern Calvinistic parents from thetime Iwas alittle boy.Mychest felttight, andI'msure thatmyvoice sounded eventighter. Icould notdeny what myspatial brainwasrevealing:

The structure hadallowed metovisualize myimplicit mapofthe world.

When Itold Alwhat Ihad just uncovered, henodded andasked ifIwould allow himtochange myperspective. Ifelt myskepticism return,butIliked Al and was curious abouthismethod, soIhesitantly agreed.Hethen inter- posed hisbody directly between meand thecouch andlamp, making them disappear frommyline ofsight. Instantaneously Ifelt adeep release inmy body-the constriction inmy chest eased andmybreathing becamerelaxed.

That wasthemoment Idecided tobecome Pesso'sstudent." RE$TRUCTURING INNERMAPS Projecting yourinner world intothethree-dimensional spaceofastructure enables youtosee what's happening inthe theater ofyour mind andgives you a much clearer perspective onyour reactions topeople andevents inthe past.

As you position placeholders forthe important peopleinyour life,you may be surprised bythe unexpected memories,thoughts,andemotions that come up.You then canexperiment withmoving thepieces around onthe external chessboard thatyou've created andseewhat effect ithas onyou.

Although thestructures involvedialogue, psychomotor therapydoesnot explain orinterpret thepast. Instead, itallows youtofeel what youfeltback then, tovisualize whatyousaw, andtosay what youcould notsaywhen it actually happened. It'sasifyou could goback intothemovie ofyour lifeand rewrite thecrucial scenes. Youcandirect therole-players todo things they failed todo inthe past, suchaskeeping yourfather frombeating upyour mom. Thesetableaus canstimulate powerfulemotions. Forexample, asyou place your"realmother" inthe corner, cowering interror, youmay feeladeep longing toprotect herand realize howpowerless 'youfeltasachild. Butifyou 302 THEBODY KEEPS THESCORE:

then create anideal mother, whostands uptoyour father andwho knows how toavoid getting trapped inabusive relationships, youmay experience a visceral senseofrelief andanunburdening ofthat oldguilt andhelplessness.

Or you might confront thebrother whobrutalized youasachild andthen create anideal brother whoprotects youandbecomes yourrolemodel.

The jobofthe director/therapist andother group members isto provide protagonists withthesupport theyneed todelve intowhatever theyhave been tooafraid toexplore ontheir own. Thesafety ofthe group allows youto notice things thatyouhave hidden fromyourself-usually thethings youare most ashamed of.When younolonger havetohide, thestructure allowsyou to place theshame whereitbelongs-on thefigures rightinfront ofyou who represent thosewhohurtyouandmade youfeelhelpless asachild.

Feeling safemeans youcansaythings toyour father (or,rather, theplace- holder whorepresents him)thatyouwish youcould havesaidasafive-year- old. You cantelltheplaceholder foryour depressed andfrightened mother how terrible youfeltabout notbeing abletotake care ofher. You canexperi- ment withdistance andproximity andexplore whathappens asyou move placeholders around.Asanactive participant, youcanlose yourself ina scene inaway youcannot whenyousimply tellastory. Andasyou take charge ofrepresenting thereality ofyour experience, thewitness keepsyou company, reflectingthechanges inyour posture, facialexpression, andtone of voice.

In my experience, physicallyreexperiencing thepast inthe present and then reworking itin asafe andsupportive "container" canbepowerful enough to create new,supplemental memories:simulatedexperiences ofgrowing up in an attuned, affectionate settingwhereyouareprotected fromharm.

Structures donot erase badmemories, oreven neutralize themtheway EM DR does. Instead, astructure offersfreshoptions-an alternativemem- ory inwhich yourbasic human needsaremet andyour longings forlove and protection arefulfilled.

REVISING THEPAST Let megive anexample fromaworkshop Iled not long agoatthe Esalen Institute inBig Sur, California.

Maria wasaslender, athleticFilipina inher midforties whohadbeen pleasant andaccommodating duringourfirst twodays, which hadbeen devoted toexploring thelong-term impactoftrauma andteaching self- regulation techniques. Butnow, seated onher pillow aboutsixfeet away from FILLING INTHE HOLES: CREATING STRUCTURES 303 me, shelooked scaredandcollapsed. Iwondered tomyself ifshe had volun- teered asaprotagonist mainlytoplease thegirlfriend whohadaccompanied her tothe workshop.

I began byencouraging hertonotice whatwasgoing oninside herand to share whatever cametomind. Afteralong silence shesaid: "Ican't really feel anything inmy body, andmymind isblank." Mirroring herinner ten- sion, Ireplied: "Awitness canseehow worried youarethat your. mind is blank andyoudon't feelanything aftervolunteering todo astructure. Isthat right?" "Yes!"sheanswered, soundingslightlyrelieved.

The "witness figure"entersthestructure atthe very beginning andtakes the role ofan accepting, nonjudgmental observerwhojoins theprotagonist by reflecting hisorher emotional stateandnoting thecontext inwhich that state hasemerged (aswhen Imentioned Maria's"volunteering todo astruc- ture"). Beingvalidated byfeeling heardandseen isaprecondition forfeeling safe, which iscritical whenweexplore thedangerous territoryoftrauma and abandonment. Aneuroimaging studyhasshown thatwhen people heara.

statement thatmirrors theirinner state,theright amygdala momentarily lights up,asifto underline theaccuracy ofthe reflection. .

I encouraged Mariatokeep focusing onher breath, oneofthe exercises we had been practicing together,andtonotice whatshewas feeling inher body. After another longsilence shehesitantly begantospeak: "Thereis always asense offear ineverything Ido. Itdoesn't looklikeIam afraid, butI am always pushing myself.Itisreally difficult forme tobe up here." Ireflected, "A witness canseehow uncomfortable youfeelpushing yourself tobe here," and shenodded, slightlystraightening herspine, signaling thatshefeltunder- stood. Shecontinued: "Igrew upthinking thatmyfamily wasnormal. ButI always wasterrified ofmy dad. Inever felt'cared forbyhim.Henever hitme as hard ashe. did mysiblings, butIhave apervasive senseoffear." Inoted that a witness couldseehow afraid shelooked asshe spoke ofher father, andthen I invited hertoselecta groupmember torepresent him.

Maria scanned theroom andchose Scott, agentle videoproducer who had been alively andsupportive memberofthe group. Igave Scott hisscript:

"I enroll asyour realfather, whoterrified youwhen youwere alittle girl," which herepeated. (Notethatthiswork isnot about improvisation butabout accurately enactingthedialogue anddirections providedbythe witness and protagonist.) Ithen asked Maria where shewould likeherreal father tobe positioned, andsheinstructed Scotttostand abouttwelve feetaway, slightly to herright andfacing awayfromher.Wewere beginning tocreate thetab- leau, andevery time'Iconduct astructure I'mimpressed byhow precise the 304THE BODY KEEPS THESCORE outward projections ofthe right hemisphere are.Protagonists alwaysknow exactly wherethevarious characters intheir structures shouldbelocated.

It also surprises me,again andagain, howtheplaceholders representing the significant peopleinthe protagonist's pastalmost immediately assumea virtual reality:Thepeople whoenroJi seemto become thepeople heorshe had todeal with back then=not onlytothe protagonist butoften tothe other participants aswell. Iencouraged Mariatotake agood, longlookather real father, andasshe gazed athim standing there,wecould witness how her emotions shiftedbetween terrorandadeep sense ofcompassion forhim. She tearfully reflectedonhow difficult hislife had been-how, asachild during World WarII,he had seen people beheaded; howhehad been forced toeat rotten fishinfested withmaggots. Structures promoteoneofthe essential conditions fordeep therapeutic change:atrancelike stateinwhich multiple realities canliveside byside-past andpresent, knowing thatyou're anadult while feeling theway youdidasachild, expressing yourrageorterror to .someone whofeels likeyour abuser whilebeingfuJiyaware thatyouaretalk- ing toScott, whoisnothing likeyour realfather, andexperiencing simultane- ously thecomplex emotions ofloyalty, tenderness, rage,andlonging thatkids feel with their parents.

As Maria begantospeak about theirrelationship whenshewas alittle girl.' Icontinued tomirror herexpressions. Herfather hadbrutalized her mother, shesaid. Hewas relentlessly criticalofher diet, herbody, herhouse- keeping, andshewas always afraidforher mother whenheberated her..

Maria described hermother asloving andwarm; shecould nothave survived without her.Shewould always bethere tocomfort Mariaafterherfather lashed outather, butshedidn't doanything toprotect herchildren from their father's rage."Ithink mymom hadalot offear herself. Ihave asense that shedidn't protect usbecause shefelttrapped.", At this point Isuggested thatitwas time tocaJi Maria's realmother into the room. Maria scanned thegroup andsmiled brightly asshe asked Kristin, a blonde, Scandinavian-looking artist,toplay thepart ofher real mother.

Kristin accepted inthe formal wordsofthe structure: "Ienroll asyour real mother, whowaswarm andloving andwithout whomyouwould nothave survived butwho failed toprotect you(rom yourabusive father."Mariahad her siton apillow toher right, much closer thanherreal father.

I encouraged Mariatolook atKristin andthen Iasked, "Sowhat happens when youlook ather?" Maria angrily said,"Nothing." "Awitness wouldsee.

how youstiffen asyou look atyour realmom andangrily saythat youfeel nothing," Inoted. Afteralong silence Iasked again, "Sowhat happens now?" FILLING INTHE HOLES: CREATING STRUCTURES 305 Maria looked slightly morecollapsed andrepeated, "Nothing." Iasked her,"Is there something youwant tosay toyour mom?" FinallyMariasaid,"Iknow you didthebest youcould," andthen, moments later:"Iwanted youtopro- tect me." When shebegan tocry softly, Iasked her,"What ishappening inside?" "Holding mychest, myheart feelslikeitis pounding reallyhard," Maria said,"Mysadness goesouttomy mom; howincapable shewas of standing uptomy father andprotecting us.She just shuts down, pretending everything's okay,andinher mind itprobably is,and that makes memad today. Iwant tosay toher: 'Mom, whenIsee you react todad when heisbeing mean ...when Isee your face,youlook disgusted andIdon't know whyyou don't say,"Puck off."You don't know howtofight-you aresuch apushover- there isapart ofyou that isnot good andnotalive. Idon't even know what1 want youtosay. Ijust want youtobe different-nothing youdoisright, like you accept everything whenitis totally notokay.''' Inoted, "Awitness would see how fierce youareasyou want yourmother tostand uptoyour dad." Maria thentalked abouthowshewanted hermother torun offwith thekids and take them awayfromherterrifying father.

I then suggested enrollinganothergroupmember torepresent herideal mother. Mariascanned theroom againandchose Ellen,atherapist andmar- tial artist. Maria placed heronapillow toher right between herreal mother and herself andasked Ellentoput herarm around her."What doyou want your ideal mother tosay toyour dad?" Iasked. "Iwant hertosay, 'Ifyou are going totalk likethat, Iam going toleave youandtake thekids," she answered. "'Wearenot going tosit here andlisten tothis shit." Ellenrepeated Maria's words.Then1asked: "What happens now?"Mariaresponded: "Ilike it 1have alittle pressure inmy head. Mybreath isfree. 1have asubtle ener- getic dance inmy body now.Sweet." "Awitness canseehow delighted youare when youhear your mother sayingthatsheisnot taking thisshitfrom your dad anymore andthat shewill take youaway fromhim," 1told her.Maria began tosob and said, "Iwould havebeen abletobe asafe, happy littlegirl." Out ofthe corner ofmy eye1could seeseveral groupmembers weeping silently-the possibilityofgrowing upsafe andhappy clearly resonated with their ownlongings.

After awhile 1suggested thatitwas time tosummon Maria'sidealfather.

I could clearly seethe delight inMaria's eyesasshe scanned thegroup, imag- ining herideal father. ShefinaJiy choseDanny. 1gave himhisscript, andhe gently toldher: "Ienroll asyour ideal father, whowould haveloved youand cared foryou andwho would nothave terrified you."Maria instructed him to take aseat near heronher left and beamed. "Myhealthy momanddad!" 306THE BODY KEEPS THESCORE she exclaimed. Iresponded: "Allowyourself tofeel that joyasyou look atan ideal dadwho would havecared foryou." Maria cried,"It'sbeautiful," and threw herarms around Danny,smiling athim through hertears. "1am remembering areally tender moment withmydad, andthat iswhat thisfeels like. Iwould lovetohave mymom nexttome too." Both idealparents ten-:

derly responded andcradled her.1left them thereforawhile sothat they could fullyinternalize theexperience.

We finished withDanny saying:"IfIhad been yourideal dadback then, 1 would haveloved youjust likethis andnothave inflicted mycruelty," while Ellen added, "IfIhad been yourideal mom, Iwould havestood upfor you and me and protected youandnotletany harm come toyou." Allthe characters then made finalstatements, deenrollingfromtheroles theyhadplayed, and formally resumed beingthemselves.

RESCRIPTING YOURLIFE Nobody growsupunder idealcircumstances-as ifwe even know whatideal circumstances are.Asmy late friend DavidServan-Schreiber oncesaid:every life isdifficult inits own way.Butwedoknow that,inorder tobecome self- confident andcapable adults,ithelps enormously tohave grown .uPwith steady andpredictable parents;parentswhodelighted inyou, inyour discov- eries andexplorations; parentswhohelped youorganize yourcomings and goings; andwho served asrole models forself-care andgetting alongwith other people.

Defects inany ofthese areasarelikely tomanifest themselves laterinlife.

A child whohasbeen ignored orchronically humiliatedislikely tolack self- respect. Children whohave notbeen allowed toassert themselves willprob- ably have difficulty standingupfor themselves asadults, andmost grown-ups' who were brutalized aschildren carryasmoldering ragethatwilltake agreat deal ofenergy tocontain.

Our relationships willsuffer aswell. Themore earlypainarrd deprivation we have experienced, themore likely weare tointerpret otherpeople's actions' as being directed against US and theless understanding wewill beoftheir struggles, insecurities, andconcerns. Ifwecannot appreciate thecomplexity of their lives,wemay seeanything theydoasaconfirmation thatweare going toget hurt anddisappointed.

In the chapters onthe biology oftrauma wesaw how trauma andaban- , donment disconnect peoplefromtheirbody asasource ofpleasure-and com- fort, oreven asapart ofthemselves thatneeds careandnurturance. When FILLING INTHE HOLES: CREATING STRUCTURES 307 we cannot relyonour body tosignal safety orwarning andinstead feel chronically overwhelmed byphysical stirrings, welose thecapacity tofeel at home inour own skinand, byextension, inthe world. Af?long astheir map ofthe worldisbased ontrauma, abuse,andneglect, peoplearelikely toseek shortcuts tooblivion. Anticipating rejection,ridicule,anddeprivation, they are reluctant totryout newoptions, certainthatthese willlead tofailure.

This lackofexperimentation trapspeople inamatrix offear, isolation, and scarcity whereitis impossible towelcome thevery experiences thatmight change theirbasic worldview.

This isone reason thehighly structured experiences ofpsychomotor therapy aresovaluable. Participants cansafely project theirinner reality into a space filledwithrealpeople, wheretheycanexplore thecacophony and co~fusion ofthe past. Thisleads toconcrete ahamoments: "Yes,thatiswhat it was like. That iswhat Ihad todeal with. Andthatiswhat itwould havefelt like back thenif!had been cherished andcradled." Acquiring asensory expe- rience 'offeeling treasured andprotected asathree-year-old inthe trancelike container ofastructure allowspeople torescript theirinner experience, asin "1 can spontaneously interactwithother people without havingtobe afraid of being rejected orgetting hurt." Structures harnesstheextraordinary powerofthe imagination totrans- form theinner narratives thatdrive andconfine ourfunctioning inthe world.

With theproper support thesecrets thatonce weretoodangerous tobe reve~led canbedisclosed notjustto atherapist, alatter-day fatherconfessor, but, inour imagination, tothe people whoactually hurtandbetrayed us.

The three-dimensional natureofthe structure transforms thehidden, the forbidden, andthefeared intovisible, concrete reality.Inthis itis some- what similar toIFS, which-we exploredinthe previous chapter.IFScalls forth the split-off partsthatyoucreated inorder tosurvive andenables youto identify andtalk with them, sothat your undamaged Selfcanemerge. In contrast, astructure createsathree-dimensional imageofwhom andwhat you hadtodeal with andgives youachance tocreate adifferent outcome.

Most people arehesitant togo into past pain anddisappointment-it only promises tobring backtheintolerable. Butasthey aremirrored and witnessed, anew reality begins totake shape. Accurate mirroring feelscom- pletely different frombeing ignored, criticized, andputdown. Itgives you permission tofeel what youfeeland know whatyoukriow-one ofthe essen- tial foundations ofrecovery.

Trauma causespeople toremain stuckininterpreting" thepresent in light ofan unchanging past.Thescene youre-create inastructure mayor 308 THEBODY KEEPS THESCORE may notbeprecisely whathappened, butitrepresents thestructure ofyour inner world: yourinternal mapandthehidden rulesthatyouhave been liv- ing by.

DARING TO'TELL THETRUTH I recently ledanother groupstructure withatwenty-six-year-old mannamed Mark, whoatage thirteen hadaccidentally overheardhisfather having phone sex with hisaunt, hismother's sister.Markfeltconfused, embarrassed, hurt, betrayed, andparalyzed bythis knowledge, butwhen hetried totalk with his father aboutit,he ':'Vas metwith rageanddenial: hewas told that hehad a filthy imagination andaccused oftrying tobreak upthe family. Marknever dared totell hismom, buthenceforth thefamily secrets andhypocrisy con- taminated everyaspect ofhis home lifeand gave himapervasive sensethat nobody couldbetrusted. Afterschool, he,spent hisisolated adolescence hanging aroundneighborhood basketballcourtsorinhis room watching TV.

When hewas twenty-one hismother died-of abroken heart,Marksays- and hisfather married theaunt. Mark wasnotinvited toeither thefuneral or the wedding.

Secrets likethese become innertoxins-realities thatyouarenot allowed to acknowledge toyourself ortoothers butthat nevertheless becomethe template ofyour life.

I knew noneofthis history whenMark joined thegroup, but hestood outbyhis emotional distance,andduring check-ins heacknow- ledged thathefelt separated fromeveryone byadense fog.Iwas quite wor- ried about whatwould berevealed oncewestarted tolook behind hisfrozen, expressionless exterior.

When Iinvited Marktotalk about hisfamily, hesaid afew words and then seemed toshut down evenmore. SoIencouraged himtoask fora"con- tact figure" tosupport him.Hechose awhite-haired groupmember, Richard, and placed Richard onapillow nexttohim, touching hisshoulder. Then,as he began totell hisstory, Mark placed Joe,ashis real father, tenfeet infront of him, anddirected Carolyn, representing hismother, tocrouch inacorner with herface hidden. Marknextasked Amanda toplay hisaunt, telling herto stand defiantly toone side, arms crossed overherchest-representing allthe calculating, ruthless,anddevious womenwhoareafter men.

~urveying thetableau hehad created, Marksatupstraight, eyeswide open; clearly thefoghad lifted. Isaid: "Awitness canseehow startled you are seeing whatyouhadtodeal with." Marknodded appreciatively and remained silentandsomber forsome time.Then, looking athis "father," he FILLING INTHE HOLES: CREATING STRUCTURES 309 burst out:"You asshole, youhypocrite, youruined mylife." Iinvited Markto tell his"father" allthe things thathehad wanted totell him butnever could.

A long listofaccusations followed.Idirected the"father" torespond physi- cally asifhe had been punched, sothat Mark could seethat hisblows had landed. Itdid not surprise mewhen Mark spontaneously saidthathe'd always worried thathisrage would getout ofcontrol andthat thisfearhad kept himfrom standing upfor himself inschool, atwork, andinother rela- tionships.

After Mark hadconfronted his"father," Iasked ifhe would likeRichard to assume anew role: thatofhis ideal father. Iinstructed Richardtolook Mark directly inthe eye and tosay: "IfIhad been yourideal father backthen, I would .havelistened toyou and notaccused youofhaving afilthy imagi- nation." WhenRichard repeated this,Mark started totremble. "OhmyGod, life would havebeen sodifferent ifIcould havetrusted myfather andtalked about whatwasgoing on.Icould havehadafather." Ithen toldRichard to say: "IfIhad been youridealfather backthen, Iwould havewelcomed your anger 'andyouwould havehadafather youcould havetrusted." Markvisibly relaxed andsaid thatwould havemade allthe difference inthe world.

Then Mark addressed thestand-in forhis aunt. Thegroup wasvisibly stunned ashe unleashed atorrent ofabuse onher: "You conniving whore, you backstabber. Youbetrayed yoursister andruined herlife. You ruined our family." Afterhewas done, Mark started tosob. Hethen saidhe'd always been .deeply suspicious ofany woman whoshowed aninterest inhim. 'The remainder ofthe structure tookanother halfhour,in whichweslowly setup conditions forhim tocreate twonew women: theideal aunt, whodidnot betray hersister butwho helped support theirisolated immigrant family,and the ideal mother, whokeptherhusband's interestanddevotion andsodid not die ofheartbreak. Markended thestructure quietlysurveying thescene he had created withacontented smileonhis face.

For theremainder ofthe workshop Markwasanopen andvaluable member ofthe group, andthree months laterhesent meane-mail saying that thisexperience hadchanged hislife. Heha~ recently movedinwith his first girlfriend, andalthough they'dhadsome heated discussions abouttheir new arrangement, he'dbeen abletotake inher I?oint ofview without clam- ming updefensively, goingbacktohis fear orrage, orfeeling thatshewas trying topull afast one. Hewas amazed thathefelt okay disagreeing withher and that hewas able tostand upfor himself. Hethen asked forthe name ofa therapist inhis community tohelp with thehuge changes hewas making in his life, and Ifortunately hadacolleague Icould referhimto..

- 310 THE BODY KEEPS THESCORE ANTIDOTES TOPAINFUL MEMORIES Like themodel mugging classesthatIdiscussed inchapter 13,the structures in psychomotor therapyholdoutthe possibility offorming virtualmemories that liveside byside with thepainful realities ofthe past andprovide sensory experiences offeeling seen,cradled, andsupported thatcanserve asanti- dotes tomemories ofhurt andbetrayal. Inorder tochange, peopleneedto become viscerally familiarwithrealities thatdirectly contradict thestatic feelings ofthe frozen orpanicked selfoftrauma, replacing themwithsensa- tions rooted insafety, mastery, delight,andconnection. Aswe saw inthe chapter onEMDR, oneofthe functions ofdreaming isto create associations in which thefrustrating eventsofthe day areinterwoven withtherest of one's life..Unlike ourdreams, psychomotor structuresarestill subject tothe laws ofphysics, butthey toocan reweave thepast.

Of course wecan never undowhathappened, butwecan create new emotional scenariosintenseandreal enough todefuse andcounter someof those oldones. Thehealing tableaus ofstructures offeranexperience that many participants havenever believed waspossible forthem: tobe welcomed into aworld where people delight inthem, protect them,meettheirneeds, and make youfeelathome.

CHAPTER 19 APpLIED NEUROSCIENCE:

REWIRING THEFEAR-DRIVEN MIND WITH BRAIN/COMPUTER INTERFACE TECHNOLOGY Is itafact-or haveIdreamt it-that bymeans ofelectricity, theworld of matter hasbecome agreat nerve, vibrating thousands ofmiles ina breathless.point oftime?

-NathanielHawthorne The faculty ofvoluntarily bringingbackawandering attention,over and over again, isthe very rootofthe judgment, character,andwill.

-William James The summer aftermyfirst year ofmedical school,Iworked asapart-time research assistant inErnest Hartmann's sleeplaboratory atBoston State Hospital. Myjob was toprepare andmonitor thestudy participants andto analyze theirEEG-electroencephalogram, orbrain wave-tracings. Subjects would showupinthe evening; Iwould pasteanarray ofwires ontotheir scalps and another setofelectrodes aroundtheireyestoregister therapid eyemove- ments thatoccur during dreaming. ThenIwould walkthem totheir bedrooms, bid them goodnight, andstart thepolygraph, abulky machine withthirty-two pens thattransmitted theirbrain activity ontoacontinuous spoolofpaper.

Even though oursubjects werefastasleep, theneurons intheir brains kept uptheir frenzied internalcommunication, whichwastransmitted tothe polygraph throughout thenight. I'dsettle down topore overtheprevious night's EEGs,stopping fromtimetotime topick upbaseball scoresonmy