Sex and relationship class short paper
Sex Relationship
Chapter 1:
Role relationship:
Casual
Interchangeable
Limited behavior interdependence
No interpersonal relationships
Interpersonal relationship:
Mutual influence (Behavior, attitude)
Connection at social or emotional level (Support and reciprocity)
Unique communication (shared experience, insider jokes, knowledge and disclosure of personal information)
Repeated interaction
Close/Intimate Relationship (Include all interpersonal relationship plus)
Emotional attachment (Deep emotional connection)
Irreplaceability
Need fulfillment
Affection
social inclusion
behavior control
Five characteristic of relationship types:
Voluntary vs Involuntary (Friends and parents)
Genetically related vs nonrelated (Share gene or not)
Platonic vs Sexual
Romantic vs nonromantic
Sex and gender
5 Principle of interpersonal communication:
Principle 1 Exchange of verbal and non-verbal messages between two people
Repetition/Reinforcement (Consistent with message the person is making verbally)
Contradiction (undermine a message)
Substitution (take place of verbal message)
Principle 2 Communication is inevitable
One must communicate in interpersonal setting
Principle 3 People use interpersonal communication to fulfill goals
Self-presentation goals (Convey information)
Relational goals (Improve relationship)
Instrumental goals (accomplish task, getting things done)
Principle 4 Interpersonal communication varies in effectiveness
Effective messages lead to shared meaning between a sender and receiver
Effective: A message is received the way it is intended
Principle 5 Every message contains both content and relational information
Content: Information at a literal level
Relational information: Context for interpreting the message
Chapter 2:
Social scientific theory: A statement that explains and predicts an element of human experience.
Social identity theory:
Explains that people’s concept of themselves are linked to their membership in social group (Broad or narrow)
Predict that social group use in-group behavior to create solidary and display their identity to outsiders
Self-esteem, superior to others
Communication theory:
Personal frame (An image about ourselves)
Enactment frame (Identities develop or change through interaction with others)
Relationship frame (Identity shaped by relationship we have)
Communal frame (Identity shaped by groups we are part of and the culture in which we live)
Self-expansion theory:
People are invested in personal growth
People view close relationship as a means of growth
People see both material or non-material benefits to relationships (Affection, sex, money, power and so on)
Partners’ identities merge over time in complementary ways
Principle of identity management:
Provide use with hierarchical structure of who we are (Most important attributes will be stable over time)
Shaped through interaction and feedbacks from others
Incorporate expectations and guide behavior (Tend to behavior who we think we are)
Influence the relationship we choose to pursue
Politeness Theory
Positive face (want people like and respect us)
Negative face (don't want do we don't want)
Maintain positive and negative face
Face threat: make us look bad, make us do things we don't want to do
Chapter 3
4 Types of attraction (4 types may work together)
Physical: Attraction to an individual’s appearance (not sexual)
Sexual: Desire to engage sexual behavior
Task: Desire to work with an individual to achieve goal
Social: Perception that an individual would be appealing to spend time with
Halo effect: tendency to view somebody’s one type of attraction should come with other type
4 Areas to consider:
Personal qualities
Perception of reward value, affect feeling of oneself,
Attachment style: How people view themselves and their relationship with others
Relationship beliefs: The perceptions that people hold about others and other’s role in relationship (Destiny beliefs, growth beliefs)
Level of self-esteem
Level of narcissism (high attract people who admire them, low tend to be attracted by people carrying qualities)
Qualities of the other
Physical appearance
The assimilation effect
Interpersonal communication skills (warm communication styles)
Qualities of the pair (will be similar in following points)
Perceived attitudes
Communication skill
Physical appearance
Implicit egotism
Qualities of the physical/social environment
Romeo and Juliet effect: strength the relationship by desiring independence and autonomy
Chapter 4
High uncertainty: feel unsure about your ability to predict or explain someone’s attitudes and behaviors
Low uncertainty
3 types of relational uncertainty
Self-uncertainty: uncertainty about your own feelings about a relationship
Partner uncertainty: Uncertainty about your partner’s feeling and intentions
Relationship uncertainty: uncertainty about work together
Uncertainty reduction theory
People need to obtain information about others to reduce uncertainty
People find uncertainty unpleasant and are motivated to reduce it through interpersonal communication
Gaining information from others, we are better able to predict others’ attitudes and behaviors
Uncertainty reduction strategies
Passive strategy: more effective in informal settings, provide limited information
Active strategy: collect information about others through third party, depend on if third party is knowledgeable
Interactive strategies: Collect information through direct contact with others
Extractive strategy: Collect information online
“Secret” tests (Knowledge-seeking strategies)
Asking a third party
Directness test
Triangle test: Involving a third person to see how the partner respond
Separation test: physical and time-based separation
Endurance test: Increase cost and decrease benefit of your partner
Public presentation test: Use certain labels and behavior in public to see partner response
Indirect suggestion test: use joke or something to indirectly ask people question
Uncertainty management theory
Uncertainty-increasing event: Gain information will also gain uncertainty about partner
Predicted Outcome value theory
Outcome values: will this interaction good or bad? Perception of that person after initial meeting
High outcome value: perceive future interaction will be rewarding, want to communicate with
Low outcome value: less rewarding, don't want to communicate with
Chapter 5 Changing relationship: Stages, turning points, and dialectics
5 communication skills for forming new relationships
Relationship initiation:
Ability to make good first impressions, highlight strengths (Verbal: Introduction Non-verbal: eye contact, handshake, etc)
Ability to initiate plans:
Skills in self-disclosure:
Appropriate level of self-disclosure for state of relationship
Level of disclosure typically increases as relationship progresses
Skills in emotional support
Communication empathy and warmth, verbally and non-verbally
Active listening: Demonstrate verbally and non-verbally that you are paying attention to exchange, do not interrupt, do defer judgments.
Communicating responsiveness: care concern liking
Skills in negative assertion
Revealing negative personal information
Preserving negative face
Conflict management
Listening, understanding divergent perspective, refraining from communicating hostility
Relationship stages: Stages models depict relationship development
Coming together
Initiating: Focus on first impressions, disclosure is low. People make key decisions about how rewarding they expect the relationship to be. (rewarding or not rewarding)
Experimenting: Small talk, establish similarities and differences (most relationship do not move beyond this stage)
Intensifying: Increase contact, more in-depth disclosure, meaningful interactions, change in verbal information
Integrating: Coupling occur both inside and outside, social networks merge, attitudes preferences align, high level of disclosure, higher degree of comfort
Bonding: Public commitment via social rituals, significant barriers to breakup
Coming apart
Differentiating: Want to be individual identity and autonomy, acting as individuals rather than couple, feel tied down or a sense of resentment about relationship commitments, not necessarily a path toward rational termination(Temporary separation may works)
Circumscribing: Partner begin to feel nothing to talk about, communication becomes shallower, sense of closeness become eroding. Feeling frustration, distance, they are normal.
Stagnating: Communication become tense and awkward, difficult to receive relationship in this stage.
Avoiding: Physical and psychological distance, make effort to avoid each other.
Terminating: Break-up stage. Hard, has to develop own self-interest and reestablish social networks and identity. In the long-run might be good for helping people pursuing their own goal.
Limitation of Knapp’s model
Not all relationship follow this linear pattern.
8 Turning point analysis: Associated with change in commitment to a relationship, can increase or decrease commitment of relationship
Communication-based: Disclosure of personal information
Activities and special events: Meeting with partner’s family
Passion and romance: first kiss, sexual events
Commitment and exclusively: Move together, Emergence of a rival (can reinforce or undermine commitment)
Changes in families and social networks: change in family membership (new baby)
Proximity and distance: Separation, reunions, becoming roommates
Crisis and conflict: Help you in crisis situation or don't help you
Perceptual change: Attitudes toward partner changes (positive or negative change)
Dialectics Theory: Explain that individual in close relationships have opposing interpersonal needs, close relationships are often involve tension between these needs
Predict the ways that partners manage these tensions influence relationship satisfaction
Tension can be internal(connection-autonomy) and external(Seclusion-inclusion): interaction with partner or with outside people
The dialectic of certainty
Predictability-novelty: Internal. A likes do typical things, B likes do excitement.
Uniqueness-conventionality: External. Couple like to wedding on the beach, but parents want them in the church.
The dialectic of disclosure
Openness-closeness: Internal. A wants everything open to tell, but B wants keep it himself.
Concealment-Revelation: External. A wants keep problem private in relationship. B wants to tell friend the issue and discuss about it.
4 ways of managing dialectical tensions
Selection: Deciding to value one side of dialectic more important than other. Ex: Couple decide openness is more important than closeness so they will be more open.
Neutralization: Avoiding full engagement of either side of the dialectic
Moderation: Striving to reach a midpoint. Engaging to both sides but only in certain circumstance
Disqualification: Try to ambiguous of each side so neither side dialectic is engaged. Usually involving changing the subject or avoiding an issue
Separation: Favoring different sides of dialectics at different times: Couple decide to be connected on weekend but autonomy during the school time.
Reframing: Adjusting perception of dialectic as complementary rather than contradictory: It’s okay spending more time apart, because it makes the time we spend together more valuable and special.
Chapter 6 Revealing and hiding ourselves
Social Penetration theory: as relationship develop, interpersonal communication moves from shallow levels to more intimate level.
Onion theory: Personality. Outer layer is “public self”. Inside later only give selected people to see.
In order for relationship to develop, we must allow ourselves to become vulnerable to another people. Vulnerable=opening oneself for possible rejection or criticism. This process occurs through self-disclosure.
Self-disclosure: Communication reveal something about self to others. Promote trust, liking. 6 dimensions of self disclosure:
Breadth: range of topic
Depth: depth of onion level
Frequency: how often disclosure yourself
Duration: length of interaction
Valence: Positive or negative things you most like to disclose
Veracity: If you disclose yourself precise and trustful.
Disclosure and liking depends on:
Timing of disclosure: what stage to disclosure appropriate
Personalist versus indiscriminate disclosure:
Personalitic: information disclosed to very selected people. Predict liking.
Indiscriminate: information disclosed broadly. Do not predict liking.
The channel: Mediated: such as social media and phone instead of face to face. Predict more liking through this way.
The receiver’s response: when you tell other something, if he is unkind or dismissive, it predicts not liking. Instead, it predicts liking.
Reciprocity of disclosure
The dyadic effect: Disclosure is mutual and reciprocity, each one exchange information at the same level so the relationship can develop.
Delays in reciprocation: Common in long-term relationship. Trust and understanding has been established.
Self-disclosure makes individual feel vulnerable and exposed to others.
Risks:
Fear of exposure or rejection: will I exposed as bad?
Fear of angry responses or retaliation: Will my partner become angry or use my information in other use?
Fear of loss control: If disclose information, will I still be able to maintain the power I have?
Fear of losing one’s individuality: If other know me well, I might lose myself as an individual.
Secrets in relationship
95% of us are keeping something from the person we love
Dating and sexual history
An affair
Personality opinion conflicts
The state of relationship: uncomfortable to say and try to avoid
Dangerous behavior
Religion
Negative experience and failures
Motivation for topic avoidance
Relationship based
Relationship protection
Relationship destruction
Individual based
Identity management: avoid damage positive face
Privacy maintenance
Information based
Partner unresponsiveness: partner not helpful even I share this information to him
Futility of discussion: Partner is unable or unwilling to understand your position
Communication inefficacy: Not feeling personally able to discuss a particular issue
Usually happened in transition level of a romantic relationship. Ex: casual to committed relationship, uncertainty is high.
Consequences of topic avoidance
Avoidance usually happen with less relational satisfaction, disclosure increase as relationship progress, avoidance may not be harmful when hidden topic is not relevant to the relationship.
Hard to keep secret:
Hyper-accessibility: want to keep secret but increase the time of thinking of this secret, so make us mental uncomfortable.
Rebound effect: people, environment will trigger you think about secret
The fever model of self-disclosure: Feeling guilty or anxious about secret is positively associated with disclosing secret
Negative consequence of secret-keeping
Lowered self-esteem: give myself a negative aspect of self, I am not that great.
Lower quality interaction with people from whom the secret is kept: Awkward when meet with other have secret
Concealment of relational problems: Pretending everything is fine. Lying is stressful.
Mental health issues: Depression, anxiety, aggression
Positive consequence of secret keeping
Can foster cohesion and trust between secret holders
Preservation of privacy: possible protection of identity
Why people reveal secret?
For catharsis(most common): want to release pressure from keeping secret
If we feel someone has the right to know
If we asked by others (usually biggest reason)
Chapter 7 Communicating Closeness: Affection, immediacy, and social support
Physical closeness: Share spatial proximity and physical contact.
Emotional closeness: Having sense of shared experiences, trust, enjoyment, concern, and caring
Relational closeness: Interpersonal people share. Interdependent partners exchange and influence anything, many people’s social circle will overlap
How is closeness communicated?
Affectionate communication: Verbal or non-verbal behaviors that communication feelings of fondness and positive regard.
Affection is a basic human need and mental and physical health benefits.
Mentally. Stress relief, lower hormones in our bodies that are elevated during the stress. Cortisol make us feel stress out.
Physically. Lower conditions exacerbated by stress, including hypertension, elevated blood sugar, and high cholesterol.
Verbal affectionate behaviors: Self-disclosure, sharing personal secrets, being vulnerable. Direct emotional expression, you are a good friend. Compliments and praise. Assurances.
Non-Verbal affectionate behaviors: Physical contact, vocalic behavior. Tone of voice you use. Support behavior. Help friend do anything.
Immediacy behavior: promote positive involvement between people. It is important for close relationship.
It is more immediate than affectionate, broader than affection though some overlap.
Used in wide interaction types: Friendships, romantic relationship, instrumental relationship(teacher and student)
Verbal immediacy behavior: Depth of disclosure vs superficial disclosures, more immediate. This is my friends vs this gut from work
Non-Verbal immediacy behavior:
Eye contact, pupil dilation, direct facing someone, communicating eye-to-eye.
Touch, both non-romantic and romantic: hug, arm touch.
Matching gesture, smiling, nodding, open and relax body positions.
Dynamic pitch and rate, vocal warmth.
Spending time with others, waiting for other, being on time for other.
Supportive communication: show concern and care to others by verbal and non-verbal behavior
Emotional support: giving concern.
Esteem support: promote other’s feeling of self-worth
Informational support: giving specific advice, information or facts to solve friend’s problem
Tangible aid: Good, services, resources.
Network support: referring people to knowledgeable third party or groups
Three key questions to consider if supportive communication is helpful?
Does communication threaten receiver’s positive face? People want to be independent, and they don't want to feel inferior after communication
Are you knowledgeable to consider or protect receiver’s feelings?
If other ask you for help? Offer help without other requesting may be interpreted as pushy and condescending.
Listening is sometimes the best course of action
People may not ready for advice
People may not be able to follow advice by some reason
People may want to solve the problem by himself
Chapter 8 Make a Love connection
Liking: is based on affection, respect, and enjoyable interaction
Loving: is based on the characteristics above plus attachment, motivation, and deep level of caring
Sternberg’s triangular theory of love
Intimacy: “Warm” component, brings people together. Foundational to both love and liking. Based on emotional attachment, closeness, connectedness, and boundedness.
Latent intimacy: Internal feelings of warmth, not directly observed by others. It increases as relationship develops and remains relatively stable overtime.
Manifest intimacy: Communicating warmth to others, verbal and non-verbal, growth during initial relationship but decline over time.
Passion: “Hot” component, strong presence between people. Ex: Sexual, physical attraction.
Unstable over time, difficult to sustain in long term. Couples in long-term relationship often cycle between high and low passion.
Commitment: “Cool” component, based on cognition and decision making.
Relative stable over time. Commitment is related to trust, loyalty, and faithfulness. Often central to love.
3 Assumptions:
The amount of love one experiences depends on the strength of the three components
The type of love depends on components’ strength relative to other
Relationship based on single component is less likely to be satisfied in the long term than one based on multiple components
Different types of love
Infatuation=passion only. not long-lasting love
Empty love=commitment only. Stay together for children but no love between parents.
Romantic love=passion+intimacy
Friendship love=intimacy+commitment
Consummate love=passion+intimacy+commitment
Non-love=zero components
Lee’s styles of loving (Each style has good and bad; no anyone is superior than other)
Most people are a combination of styles
An individual’s love style is not staying the same
Eros: Physical love: based on relationship on feelings of physical and sexual desire. It contains high level of disclosure and very passion physical touch and non-verbal affection.
Positive: exciting and passionate
Negative: attraction is based on physical beauty, high level of passion is difficult to sustain overtime.
Storge: Friendship/companion love
Personality more important than appearance, people seek partner by personality
Pursue relationship based on values, goals, and compatibility
Don't use secret test since of low uncertainty
They tend to have good communication skills
Positive: dependable, stable, and secure
Negative: too predictable and boring
Ludus: game playing love
It pursues relationship casual, uncommitted, and based on having fun
Lovers may seek out physically attractive partners
Often use secret tests
Don’t value communication skills, low level of disclosure with partner
Positive: Have freedom and flexibility in their lives, they are not tied together
Negative: too casual, cannot support from each other.
Secondary style
Mania: Possessive love (eros + ludus)
Mania lovers are desperate to fall in love and to be loved. They want to be with their partner constantly, they push partner to show love and commitment.
They need partner who are sensitive and can understand feelings, able to deal with emotional high and lows.
Use a lot of communication, aimed at increasing partner’s closeness and commitment to relationship
Secret test commonly used in this relationship
Positive: Show passion, excitement for partner
Negative: easily turn obsessive and controlling
Agape: Unselfish/compassionate love (eros + storge)
View partner as blessing and want to take care of them. Centered to give their partner any help and sacrifice for them.
Seek partner with positive personality: Intelligence, sense of humor, compassion
Using a lot of verbal and non-verbal communication aimed at intensifying their relationship
Don't use secret test
Positive: Healthy behavior relationship
Negative: Hard to live with. Partner hard to match with unselfish lover, feel guilty and overwhelmed to partner’s unconditional love.
Pragma: practical love (storge + ludus)
Search partner to achieve goal, have a practical outlook on love and seek a compatible partner.
Have a “shopping list” of desired attribute of partner
Use direct, straight communication, engage social enmeshment strategy
Positive: Compatibility likely
Negative: Danger of lack of intimacy and passion
Attachment Theory: Key Ideas
Attachment styles are coherent patterns of emotion and social behavior that occur in close relationship
Early attachment, such as with our parents, influence future relational patterns. Influence our lifelong view of self and others.
Secure: prosocial style.
Self-sufficient and comfortable with intimacy
Compromise and problem-solving during conflict
Tend to be pleasant, self disclosure, skilled communicator
Reinforcement effect: Because they are confident and expressive, people react them positively, reinforcing positive models of others
Preoccupied: emotional style
Overly involved and dependent to partner, excessive intimacy, worry partner doesn't care enough for them
Demanding, nagging conflict behavior, overly disclose and sensitive. Express negative emotion with aggression or passive aggression
Reinforcement effect: by increasing intimacy quickly, they push partner away then reinforce they are unworthy of love
Fearful: the hesitant style
Have been hurt in the past, communication is guarded and anxious
Negative view of self and other
Have trouble of expressing emotion and self-disclosing, low level of relationship maintenance
Reinforcement effect: afraid of taking risks, so keeping them away from developing the positive view of relationship that will make them feel better.
Dismissive: detached style
Self- sufficient and pushing other away.
Relationship not that important, personal goal are more important.
Low level of relational maintenance, disclosure, and emotional expression. Withdrawing conflict style.
Reinforcement effect: by getting along on their own, they do not need other to be happy with him. Relationship not important.
Change in attachment styles
Reason for changes:
Significant life/relationship change
The partner’s attachment style change
Variability across relationship types change
