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A 4-MAT Review System: The Complete Guide to Marriage Mentoring

Randall T. Fields

Liberty University

A 4-MAT Review System: The Complete Guide to Marriage Mentoring

Summary

Parrott and Parrott 2005 book, The Complete Guide to Marriage Mentoring, discusses how the church and congregation need to be more involved in today’s marriages by becoming mentors. Parrot et al. came up with the term marriage mentors more than fifteen years ago and since then has found ways to implement the practice of marriage mentoring within the church. When people are in trouble in their marriage they should not turn to divorce as their savoir or way out of the messy situation. They need to rely on their love. Their focus is on pairing newlywed couples with couples we are more experienced with marital problems and solutions. The aim is to save newlyweds from adding to the already high divorce rate in the United States.

Parrott et al. has broken the book into three parts: the big picture on marriage mentoring, the marriage mentoring triad, and the essential skills for marriage mentoring. The big picture section talks about what a marriage mentor is and isn’t, who is a marriage mentor, pitfalls of beginners in marriage mentoring, and the boomerang effect of marriage mentoring. This section gives readers an idea of what a well-rounded marriage mentor is and how they are best suited for the job. The second and third sections focus on the duties and techniques that the marriage mentor need to know in order to be effective at what they do. Some of these duties and techniques include preparing, maximizing, and repairing, building rapport, agreeing to outcomes, and telling your stories. The authors also provide an appendix full of valuable information for marriage mentors and pastors and marriage mentor leaders.

This books wants to save and improve today’s marriage with the help of those who have already experienced and survived the newlywed stages. With divorce rates being so high and marriages being so unhappy, those we were able to find true happiness are urged to help those in need. The church is the area in which marriage mentors are needed because this is where many people tend to turn when their marriage is in trouble. This books gives the church what it needs to recruit and prepare marriage mentors to help others. The authors provide letters and stories from people who have been both sides as mentors and mentorees. Saving marriages also saves families and communities. Marriage mentors are really saving the world, one marriage at a time.

Concrete Response

I am all for marriage mentors. My boyfriend’s mother is someone I consider to be my marriage mentor. I have a weekly date day with Mrs. Davis, my boyfriend’s mother, and we talk about everything. She has been married for twenty-two years so most of our conversations always turn to marriage and relationships. She is so open and honest with me about the things that she and her husband have been through, go through, and accomplished. I know the book spoke of parents not being the best mentors, but she has helped me in any ways for the better with my relationship.

I can remember just a few weeks ago Avery and I had situation that was by far the worst we have in a very long time. I ended speaking with his mother about it and I went into the conversation thinking she was not going to like me very much after this. I was completely wrong. Mrs. Davis was very upset and concerned for me about what occurred in my relationship. She did not want Avery and me to end our relationship, but she had also experienced something similar with his father so she could understand why I felt the way that I did. Mrs. Davis opened up to me and explained what kept her in relationship and later marriage even after her husband her hurt very badly. She helped me make a more logical decision rather than angry and emotional one. She helped me to see forgiveness.

Reflection

In reading this book, it appears that Parrot et al. see marriage mentors as married couples who are mentoring newlywed couples. I found this it be very interesting because I never looked at married mentoring as couples helping couples. It made me think that I should see if my partner is interested in helping newlywed couples with their marriage through our experience and what works for us. I see that as wonderful in getting the perspective of both people within the relationship in order to see how they work as a whole. You also get a first-hand view how each person interprets the other and also a one-on-one time with the husband or wife if needed. So I do see the plus to couples mentoring couples, but I also see the negative as well.

Since the book implies that a marriage mentor should be a married couple I find it difficult for me to be a marriage mentor since I am not married. Yes I am in a long-term relationship with expectations and plans to be married, but right now I am not. Becoming a marriage mentor was something I wanted to achieve for myself as a result of my relationship, not with my partner physically. We attend the same church, but we have different levels of commitment to the church. I am not sure if that is something that he would be interested in however, I will ask my partner and get his input on becoming a marriage mentor.

Action

After reading this book I am more open with telling story to those who are in need. In the past, I felt that how could I help someone with their relationship if I have my own problems to deal with. I was not trying to be selfish, I was just looking at it sort of like Matthew 7:3, “‘And why worry about the speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own’” (New Living Translation). Before I can help someone else I had to help myself and my relationship, and that is exactly what I am doing.

When people talk to me about their relationship I first turn to prayer from the Lord. He is the only one who can help anyone during their time of need. I then help others by telling my story to the person in need. Parrott et al. noted, “One of the primary tools for guiding mentorees is your own story” (p. 151). I find that when I tell people my story as it relates to what they are going through, they no longer feel alone. I did not realize this before reading this book, I just shared a story because someone shared a story with me. This book helped me see the true power behind sharing your story. It allows the mentorees and the mentors to have a shared experience and work out ways to help the mentorees handle their experience. What a true lovely gift story telling can be.

Reference

Parrott, L., & Parrott, L. (2005). The complete guide to marriage mentoring. Grand Rapids, MI:

Zondervan.

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