Need two pages. No Plagiarism. Due in 24 hours.In Chapter 1 of the text, Managing Conflict Through Communication, the five stages in a constructive conflict process are explained. Write a paper in whi

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Chapter 1 Introduction to the Stud y of Conlict

Communication 7/3/2020 Print

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Objectives

At t h e e n d o f t h is c h ap te r, y o u s h ould b e a b le t o :

D ein e in te rp erso nal c o nlic t a n d g iv e e xa m ple s o f c o nlic t s it u atio ns.

D ein e co nlic t m an agem en t an d ex p la in h ow it h as th e pote n tia l to co nve rt pote n tia lly

d estr u ctiv e in te rp erso nal c o nlic ts in to p ro ductiv e o nes.

E xp la in w hy th e tr a n sa ctio nal m odel o f c o m munic a tio n is p re fe ra b le to th e lin ear m odel fo r

m an agin g c o nlic t s it u atio ns.

D ein e p ro ce ss a n d p ic k a s u cce ssfu lly r e so lv e d c o nlic t t o d escrib e in t e rm s o f th e iv e s ta ges

o f c o nstr u ctiv e , s u cce ssfu l c o nlic t.

E xp la in w hy m an y p eo ple v ie w c o nlic t n ega tiv e ly a n d h ow t h ey c o uld v ie w it p osit iv e ly .

D ein e c iv ilit y a n d e x p la in w hy it is a p ro ble m t o day a n d w hat c a n b e d one a b out it . 7/3/2020 Print

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Key T erms

acc u ra cy (h ttp :/ /co n te n t.t h uzele a rn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio n s/ se c1 -

3# P7000481815000000000000000001A A2)

ad ve rse ly affe ct re la tio n sh ip s

(h ttp :/ /co n te n t.t h uzele a rn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio n s/ se c1 -

2# P7000481815000000000000000001A 93)

civ ilit y (h ttp :/ /co n te n t.t h uzele a rn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio n s/ se c1 -

3# P7000481815000000000000000001A C7)

co m munic a tio n

(h ttp :/ /co n te n t.t h uzele a rn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio n s/ se c1 -

3# P7000481815000000000000000001A A5)

co n lic t co m munic a tio n

(h ttp :/ /co n te n t.t h uzele a rn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio n s/ se c1 -

3# P7000481815000000000000000001A A9)

co n lic t man agem en t

(h ttp :/ /co n te n t.t h uzele a rn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio n s/ se c1 -

3# P7000481815000000000000000001A 9B )

co n lic t meta p hor

(h ttp :/ /co n te n t.t h uzele a rn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio n s/ se c1 -

3# P7000481815000000000000000001A BF)

co n lic t re so lu tio n

(h ttp :/ /co n te n t.t h uzele a rn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio n s/ se c1 -

3# P7000481815000000000000000001A 9C)

cyc le (h ttp :/ /co n te n t.t h uzele a rn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio n s/ se c1 -

3# P7000481815000000000000000001A AC)

d estr u ctiv e co n lic t

(h ttp :/ /co n te n t.t h uzele a rn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio n s/ se c1 -

3# P7000481815000000000000000001A B9)

d iffe re n tia tio n phase

(h ttp :/ /co n te n t.t h uzele a rn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio n s/ se c1 -

3# P7000481815000000000000000001A B2)

in co m patib le go als

( h ttp :/ /co n te n t.t h uzele a rn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio n s/ se c1 -

2# P7000481815000000000000000001A 90)

in co m patib le mea n s

(h ttp :/ /co n te n t.t h uzele a rn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio n s/ se c1 -

2# P7000481815000000000000000001A 91)

in ev it a bilit y of co n lic t prin cip le

( h ttp :/ /co n te n t.t h uzele a rn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio n s/ se c1 -

2# P7000481815000000000000000001A 97)

in it ia tio n phase

(h ttp :/ /co n te n t.t h uzele a rn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio n s/ se c1 -

3# P7000481815000000000000000001A B1)

in te rd ep en den ce

(h ttp :/ /co n te n t.t h uzele a rn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio n s/ se c1 -

2# P7000481815000000000000000001A 8F)

in te rp erso n al co n lic t

(h ttp :/ /co n te n t.t h uzele a rn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio n s/ se c1 -

2# P7000481815000000000000000001A 8C)

lin ea r mod el of co m munic a tio n

(h ttp :/ /co n te n t.t h uzele a rn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio n s/ se c1 - 7/3/2020 Print

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3# P7000481815000000000000000001A A1)

m eta -c o n lic t persp ectiv e

(h ttp :/ /co n te n t.t h uzele a rn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio n s/ se c1 -

3# P7000481815000000000000000001A 9E)

n ega tiv e vie w of co n lic t

(h ttp :/ /co n te n t.t h uzele a rn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio n s/ se c1 -

3# P7000481815000000000000000001A BE)

p osit iv e vie w of co n lic t

(h ttp :/ /co n te n t.t h uzele a rn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio n s/ se c1 -

3# P7000481815000000000000000001A C2)

p re lu de to co n lic t

(h ttp :/ /co n te n t.t h uzele a rn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio n s/ se c1 -

3# P7000481815000000000000000001A AE)

p ro ble m atic sit u atio n

(h ttp :/ /co n te n t.t h uzele a rn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio n s/ se c1 -

2# P7000481815000000000000000001A 8E)

p ro ce ss (h ttp :/ /co n te n t.t h uzele a rn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio n s/ se c1 -

3# P7000481815000000000000000001A A8)

p ro ce ss vie w of co n lic t co m munic a tio n

(h ttp :/ /co n te n t.t h uzele a rn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio n s/ se c1 -

3# P7000481815000000000000000001A AA)

pro d uctiv e co n lic t

(h ttp :/ /co n te n t.t h uzele a rn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio n s/ se c1 -

3# P7000481815000000000000000001A BA )

re so lu tio n phase

(h ttp :/ /co n te n t.t h uzele a rn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio n s/ se c1 -

3# P7000481815000000000000000001A B4)

se n se of urg en cy

(h ttp :/ /co n te n t.t h uzele a rn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio n s/ se c1 -

2# P7000481815000000000000000001A 94)

tr a n sa ctio n al mod el of co m munic a tio n

(h ttp :/ /co n te n t.t h uzele a rn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio n s/ se c1 -

3# P7000481815000000000000000001A A4)

tr ig gerin g eve n t

(h ttp :/ /co n te n t.t h uzele a rn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio n s/ se c1 -

3# P7000481815000000000000000001A B0) 7/3/2020 Print

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Conlic t is o ne o f th e g ra n d c h alle n ges o f o ur tim e. It o ccu rs b eca u se th ere a re d eep d iv is io ns in o ur

so cie ty th at ca rry o ve r in to o ur in te rp erso nal re la tio nsh ip s. T here are cu lt u ra l d iv id es b etw een

eth nic , r a cia l, a n d r e lig io us g ro ups. T here a re p olit ic a l a n d v a lu e b arrie rs th at s e p ara te c o nse rv a tiv e s

an d lib era ls , g en der g a p s b etw een th e s e xe s, e co nom ic a n d p ow er d iv id es b etw een u pper a n d lo w er

eco nom ic a n d s o cia l c la sse s, a n d a ge b arrie rs b etw een y o unger a n d o ld er c it iz e n s. W hile w e ty p ic a lly

t h in k o f th ese d iv id es a s th e so urc e o f co nlic t in in te rp erso nal re la tio ns, e ve n p eo ple o f sim ila r

b ack g ro unds in d it d if ic u lt t o o ve rc o m e t h eir d if fe re n ce s.

W here th ere is a d iv id e, w e m ust lo ok fo r b rid ges. A c o m mon b rid ge fo r b arrie rs in in te rp erso nal

re la tio ns is c o m munic a tio n. A s a ir st s te p in c o m munic a tin g, t h e c o nlic tin g p artie s m ust m eet to d eal

w it h th e is su es th at d iv id e th em . T hey m ust ta ke tim e o ut o f th eir b usy s ch ed ule s, p ay a tte n tio n to

m atte rs th ey m ay c o nsid er u nim porta n t, p erh ap s s p en d m oney a n d a llo ca te o fte n -lim it e d r e so urc e s,

a n d lis te n to p eo ple th ey w ould lik e to ig n ore . In s o d oin g, th e c o nlic tin g p artie s c re ate o r re p air

c h an nels o f co m munic a tio n a n d th us la y a fo undatio n fo r b rid gin g th e ga p th at se p ara te s th em .

So m etim es it ta ke s o uts id e in te rv e n tio n to b rin g th e co nlic tin g p artie s to geth er an d h elp th em

co m munic a te . 7/3/2020 Print

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1.1 What This Text book Offers You

Fo r t h e lo ngest t im e, I t h ough t c o nlic t w as lik e h av in g a b ig w ave c o m e a t m e o n th e b each . If

I m ove d f a st e n ough , I m ig h t b e a b le t o d iv e u nder it . S o m etim es I c o uld ju st s ta n d m y g ro und

aga in st it . A nd o th er t im es, it k n ock e d m e o n m y r e ar. B ut u ntil r e ce n tly , I d id n’t r e ally th in k I

c o uld r id e th at w ave , to tu rn it in to s o m eth in g u se fu l. I’m n ot s u re I c a n d o th at w it h a ll m y

co nlic ts — I a m b ette r o ff d iv in g u nder s o m e, b ut th ey d on’t k n ock m e d ow n a s o fte n a s th ey

u se d t o .

If y o u a re lik e m ost p eo ple , y o u p ro bab ly w ould r a th er n ot h ave c o nlic t k n ock y o u d ow n o r m ake

yo u d iv e o ut o f th e w ay to a vo id it . O n th e c o ntr a ry, y o u p ro bab ly w an t to k n ow h ow to co nfr o nt

so m eo ne y o u k n ow p erso nally a n d h ow to b ette r h an dle y o ur p re se n t c o nlic ts . Y o u w an t to k n ow

w hat y o u c a n s a y a n d h ow y o u c a n s a y it . T o m eet th is n eed , w e d esig n ed th is te x tb ook to h elp y o u

le arn h ow t o u se e ffe ctiv e c o m munic a tio n b eh av io r t o m an age y o ur e ve ry d ay c o nlic ts .

O ur a p pro ach t o m an agin g c o nlic t p ro vid es s o lid in fo rm atio n a t t h e o uts e t t h at p re p are s y o u to s ta rt

d ealin g w it h y o ur c o nlic ts im med ia te ly , f o llo w ed b y in fo rm atio n th at d eep en s y o ur u ndersta n din g o f

co nlic t. In P art I, w e d ein e in te rp erso nal c o nlic t a n d c o nlic t m an agem en t, d escrib e in te rp erso nal

co nlic t a s a p ro ce ss, a n d p ro vid e a n o ve rv ie w t o t h e d if fe re n t m ean s o r c y cle s o f c o m munic a tin g in a

c o nlic t s it u atio n. W e in tr o duce th eo rie s th at c a n b e a p plie d to c o nlic t to h elp u s b ette r u ndersta n d

w hat is go in g on ben eath th e su rfa ce . In ad dit io n, we dem onstr a te use fu l te ch niq ues fo r

co m munic a tin g in c o nlic t s it u atio ns: a sse rtiv e n ess, s te p s to e ffe ctiv e ly c o nfr o nt c o nlic ts , a n d o ur S -

T LC s y ste m fo r e ffe ctiv e ly m an agin g c o nlic ts . In P art II, w e d is cu ss v io le n t te n den cie s a n d h ow to

m an age th em , th e w ay s in w hic h p eo ple ’s c o m munic a tio n b eh av io rs c o ntr ib ute to th e c lim ate o f th e

co nlic t, a n d w e d em onstr a te h ow to b ette r m an age y o ur h an dlin g o f v a rio us fa cto rs th at c o ntr ib ute

to c o nlic t e sca la tio n a n d c o nta in m en t— nam ely , lo ss o f f a ce , s tr e ss a n d a n ger, a n d e m otio nal r e sid ues

n eed in g f o rg iv e n ess. I n P art I II, w e d is cu ss v a rio us id eas th at b ro ad en y o ur u ndersta n din g o f c o nlic t

to in clu de n ego tia tio n, m ed ia tio n, w ork p la ce c o nlic ts , a n d s o cia l c o nlic t.

In t h is c h ap te r w e d ein e in te rp erso nal c o nlic t a n d d is cu ss s o m e o f t h e d if fe re n t w ay s p eo ple v ie w it .

W e b elie ve th at c o nlic t is n ot s im ply a p art o f lif e ; c o nlic t is lif e — an e ve ry d ay o ccu rre n ce . P eo ple

r e gu la rly e x p erie n ce tim es w hen th eir w an ts a n d d esir e s a re c o ntr a d ic to ry to th e w an ts a n d d esir e s

o f p eo ple im porta n t t o t h em . E q ually im porta n t, w e c a n s e e n o r e aso n f o r c o nlic ts t o e ve r e vo lv e in to

v io le n t b eh av io r. Co nlic ts e x is t a s a f a ct o f lif e , b ut w e b elie ve t h at t h ey d o n ot h ave to e sca la te o ut o f

co ntr o l. W hen w e effe ctiv e ly m an age our co nlic ts , w e ca n co nve rt destr u ctiv e co nlic ts in to

p ro ductiv e o nes. T hese id eas m ake it w orth y o ur tim e a n d e ffo rt to le arn h ow to m ore e ffe ctiv e ly

m an age y o ur in te rp erso nal c o nlic ts .

A t th e e n d o f th is ch ap te r is a n “In tr o ducto ry E xe rc is e ” th at y o u m ay w is h to b egin rig h t aw ay,

b eca u se y o u n eed to o bse rv e y o ur co nlic t b eh av io r o ve r se ve ra l d ay s o r m ore . T he exe rc is e is

d esig n ed to m ake y o u a w are o f th e k e y c o nce p ts w e d is cu ss in th is c h ap te r a s th ey a ctu ally a p ply to

y o u. 7/3/2020 Print

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1.2 The Nature of Conlict

One c h alle n ge w e o fte n e n co unte r is t h at p eo ple a re n ot a w are o f a ll t h e c o nlic ts t h ey a re h av in g w it h

o th er p eo ple . T he s te re o ty p e o f c o nlic t is s cre am in g, y e llin g, t h ro w in g d is h es, a n d/o r s w earin g, if n ot

actu ally p unch in g o r p ush in g e ach o th er. H ow eve r, w e a re in c o nlic t w hen n ot s p eakin g t o e ach o th er,

to o. T o g ra sp th e fu ll e x te n t o f o ur c o nlic t a ctiv it y , w e n eed to e x p lo re th e m ean in g o f th e te rm a n d

peo ple ’s p erc e p tio n o f it .

T he E nglis h la n gu age u se s m an y d if fe re n t te rm s as sy n onym s fo r in te rp erso nal co nlic t o r o ur

ex p erie n ce o f it : c onfr ontation, v er bal ar gument , disagr eement , differ ences of opinion, a voidanc e of

confr ontation, a voiding others, c hanging the topic, pr oblem-sol ving discussion, int erpersonal violenc e,

physic al abuse, sexual abuse, v er bal abuse, silent tr eatment , stonew alling, glaring at one another , making

obsc ene gestur es, e xpr essions of ang er, hostile reactions, ignoring the other , unhapp y relationships, simpl y

giving in, ac commodating, going along re luct antl y, not making w aves, competition, neg otiation,

bargaining, mediation, disputing, quarr eling, thr eat ening, and insulting. E ve n th ough th is is a lo ng lis t,

y o u c a n p ro bab ly a d d t o it . B eca u se t h ere a re s o m an y e ve n ts p eo ple r e fe r t o a s c o nlic t, w e th in k it is

im porta n t th at w e h ave a co m mon re fe re n ce p oin t in th e fo rm o f a d ein it io n fo r in te rp erso nal

co nlic t a s w e b egin t h is t e x t. 7/3/2020 Print

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Deining Interpersonal Conlict

We dein e in te rp erso n al co n lic t as a pr oblematic situation w it h th e fo llo w in g fo ur uniq ue

ch ara cte ris tic s:

1. t h e c o nlic tin g p artie s a re int erdependent ,

2. t h ey have th e perc e p tio n th at th ey se ek inc ompatible goals or out come s or th ey fa vo r

inc ompatible means t o t h e s a m e e n ds,

3. t h e p erc e iv e d in co m patib ilit y h as th e p ote n tia l to ad verse ly affect the re lationship if not

ad dre sse d , a n d

4. t h ere is a sense of ur genc y a b out t h e n eed t o r e so lv e t h e d if fe re n ce .

If y o u a re lik e a lo t o f u s, w hen y o u ir st r e ad a d ein it io n o f a k e y te rm , y o u d on’t r e aliz e a ll th at th e

dein it io n e n ta ils . S o , le t’s c o nsid er w hat is in te re stin g, u niq ue, a n d u se fu l a b out th e w ay w e d ein e

in te rp erso nal c o nlic t. F ir st, o ur d ein it io n fo cu se s o n th e id ea o f th ose p ro ble m atic s it u atio n s th at

aris e b eca u se p artn ers p erc e iv e th at th ey s e ek d if fe re n t o utc o m es o r th ey fa vo r d if fe re n t m ean s to

t h e s a m e e n ds. W e v ie w c o nlic t a s tw o o r m ore c o m petin g r e sp onse s to a s in gle e ve n t, d if fe re n ce s

b etw een an d am ong in div id uals , m utu al hostilit y betw een in div id uals or gro ups, or a pro ble m

n eed in g r e so lu tio n.

In ste ad o f n arro w ly d ein in g in te rp erso nal c o nlic t a s a n e x p re sse d s tr u ggle o r a v e rb al e xch an ge,

w e r e co gn iz e t h at s o m e c o nlic ts a re n ot o ve rt, a p pare n t, o r

open . J u st a s o ne c a n c la im t h at “ w e c a n not n ot c o m munic a te ,” a c o nlic t m ay e x is t e ve n w hen p eo ple

a re n ot a rg u in g o r e ve n ta lk in g to e ach o th er. W e c a n r e co gn iz e th at w e a re e x p erie n cin g a c o nlic t

lo ng b efo re w e a ctu ally s a y a n yth in g a b out it . B y e m phasiz in g t h e n otio n o f a c o nlic t s it u atio n, w e c a n

in clu de p eo ple w ho a re n ot s p eakin g t o e ach o th er, p urp ose ly a vo id in g c o nta ct, g iv in g e ach o th er th e

sile n t t r e atm en t, u sin g n onve rb al d is p la y s t o in dic a te c o nlic t, o r w ho a re s e n din g m ix e d m essa ges to

e ach o th er. F o r e xa m ple , o ne stu dy fo und th at w hen p eo ple e x p erie n ce d n ega tiv e e m otio ns, th ey

b eca m e more eva siv e an d eq uiv o ca l.

T hus, it is lik e ly th at w hen p eo ple a re ir st th in kin g a b out a

c o nlic t, th ey m ay n ot e ve n s a y a n yth in g a b out it ; r a th er, th ey m ay e va d e th e to pic o r c o m munic a te

a b out it in a m biv a le n t t e rm s.

B y e m phasiz in g th e in te rd ep en den ce b etw een o r a m ong th e c o nlic tin g p artie s, w e fo cu s o n c o nlic t

in in te rp erso nal re la tio nsh ip s. I n te rd ep en den ce occu rs w hen th ose in vo lv e d in a re la tio nsh ip

c h ara cte riz e it a s co ntin uous a n d im porta n t, m akin g it w orth th e e ffo rt to m ain ta in . W e w an t to

u ndersco re t h e f a ct that int erpersonal c onlicts oc cur with people w ho ar e import ant t o us and w ho w e

expect t o c ontinue seeing or w or king with in the futur e . W e m ay a rg u e w it h a s tr a n ger, h ave a d if ic u lt

t im e r e tu rn in g a d efe ctiv e p ro duct to a s to re , o r e n dure th e b ad d riv in g h ab it s o f a n oth er o n th e

ro ad , b ut t h ese a re n ot e xa m ple s o f in te rp erso nal c o nlic t b eca u se th e c o nlic tin g p artie s d o n ot h ave

a n in te rp erso nal re la tio nsh ip . H av in g sa id th at, so m e of th e sk ills in vo lv e d in arg u m en ts w it h

s tr a n gers o ve rla p th e sk ills ta u gh t in th is b ook. If yo u h ave to re tu rn a p ro duct to a sto re , fo r

exa m ple , a n d y o u e x p ect re sis ta n ce o r d if ic u lt y , e x p la in in g th e sit u atio n ca re fu lly u sin g th e sk ills

o utlin ed in la te r c h ap te rs s h ould b oost y o ur c h an ce s o f s u cce ss. H ow eve r, in th is b ook w e w an t to

e m phasiz e t h e im porta n ce o f u sin g p rin cip le s, c o nce p ts , a n d s k ills th at im pro ve o ur a b ilit y to h an dle

c o nlic ts w it h th e im porta n t p eo ple in o ur liv e s— fa m ily , ro om mate s, ro m an tic p artn ers, fr ie n ds,

n eig h bors, a n d c o lle agu es a t w ork .

A n in co m patib ilit y lie s a t t h e h eart o f a p ro ble m atic s it u atio n. I n co m patib le g o als o ccu r w hen w e a re

s e ekin g d if fe re n t o utc o m es; f o r e xa m ple , w e e ach w an t to b uy a d if fe re n t c a r, b ut w e c a n o nly a ffo rd

to b uy o ne. In co m patib le g o als m ay a ls o e n ta il p erso nal h ab it s th at c la sh , a s w hen o ne p erso n in a

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liv in g s it u atio n is le ss b oth ere d b y c lu tte r th an th e o th er. I n co m patib le m ea n s o ccu r w hen w e w an t

to a ch ie ve th e s a m e g o al b ut d if fe r in h ow w e s h ould d o s o ; fo r e xa m ple , w e a gre e o n th e s a m e c a r,

b ut n ot o n w heth er t o in an ce it o r p ay c a sh .

M is m an aged c o nlic ts c o uld ad ve rse ly a ffe ct r e la tio n sh ip s , m ea n in g t h at c o nlic ts c a n m ake p eo ple

f e el u nco m fo rta b le w hen t o geth er, d is sa tis ie d w it h t h eir p artn ers, a n d le ad th em to d esir e c h an ge. If

p eo ple d om in ate th eir p artn ers a n d a lw ay s w in th eir a rg u m en ts , th e p artn ers m ay w an t to e x it th e

re la tio nsh ip . I f c o nlic ts le ave p eo ple fe elin g d is sa tis ie d , th ey m ay r e fu se to fo rg iv e , s e ek r e ve n ge, o r

beco m e a b usiv e . If p eo ple fe el h elp le ss in a re la tio nsh ip , th ey m ay gro w ap ath etic , u nca rin g, o r

unin te re ste d in it . If p eo ple avo id d ealin g w it h is su es, th eir re la tio nsh ip m ay sta gn ate beca u se

p ro ble m s a re n ot g ettin g r e so lv e d . T he p oin t is th at o ur r e la tio nsh ip s g en era lly d ete rio ra te w hen w e

m an age t h em p oorly . R ath er, p eo ple s h ould lo ok fo r o pportu nit ie s to m ake th eir p artn ers fe el b ette r

an d ca u se th eir re la tio nsh ip to gro w . If th ey p erc e iv e th at th ey ca n not d o th at, th ey m ay lo ok

els e w here f o r r e la tio nsh ip s a tis fa ctio n.

O ur d ein it io n e m phasiz e s th at th e is su e o r p ro ble m u nderly in g th e c o nlic t h as a se n se o f u rg en cy ,

d ein ed a s r e ach in g a p oin t w here it n eed s e ffe ctiv e m an agem en t s o oner r a th er th an la te r. A lt h ough

le ttin g p ro ble m s m ount u p is u su ally n ot a g o od id ea, p eo ple o fte n le t u nre so lv e d is su es fe ste r a n d

gro w u ntil t h ey c a n ’t t a ke it a n y lo nger a n d e x p lo de. T he in te rp erso nal c o nlic ts th at in te re st u s m ost

a re th ose th at h ave th is s e n se o f u rg en cy b eca u se th ey a re a p pro ach in g th e p oin t w here th ey m ust

re ce iv e a tte n tio n o r e ls e . T his is w hy th ere is a p ote n tia l fo r a d ve rse e ffe cts o n th e r e la tio nsh ip if th e

is su es a re n ot a d dre sse d . 7/3/2020 Print

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The Inevitability of Conlict

Co nlic t s h ould b e a cce p te d a s a fa ct o f lif e . S im ons w ro te o ve r 4 0 y e ars a go th at a t o ne e n d, c o nlic t

is s e en a s a d is ru ptio n o f t h e n orm al w ork in gs o f a s y ste m ; a t t h e o th er, c o nlic t is s e en a s a p art o f a ll

r e la tio nsh ip s.

A n um ber o f r e ce n t s tu die s h ave d em onstr a te d th at c o nlic t

is a “c o m mon an d in ev it a b le fe atu re ” in clo se so cia l re la tio nsh ip s.

W e e n co unte r it a t h om e, a t s ch ool, a n d a t w ork .

I n eve r th ough t th at I w ould h ave “r o om mate ” p ro ble m s afte r gra d uatin g fr o m co lle ge.

A ctu ally , t h e p ro ble m s a re w it h m y n ew h usb an d, b ut t h ey r e m in d m e o f w hat I w en t th ro ugh

in c o lle ge— when to d o th e d is h es, h ow to s o rt th e m ail, w ho s h ould ta ke m essa ges, w hen

d oes t h e t r a sh g o o ut, w ho p ic k s u p a fte r h is ( !) d og, w ho d oes th e h ouse w ork . I a m a m aze d

at t h e n um ber o f is su es t h at a ris e w hen liv in g w it h a n oth er p erso n.

Thin k o ve r y e ars p ast a n d r e ca ll th e c o nlic ts , c o m pla in ts , o r g rie va n ce s y o u h ad w it h th ese th re e

ty p es o f p eo ple : (1 ) n eig h bors liv in g a fe w h ouse s a w ay, (2 ) n ex t-d oor n eig h bors, a n d (3 ) fa m ily

m em bers (o r te am mate , clo se fr ie n d, ro om mate , or ro m an tic partn er). W it h th e m ore dis ta n t

neig h bors, th e a p peara n ce o f th eir h om e a n d y a rd , n ois e , o r th eir p ets a n d c h ild re n tr e sp assin g o n

yo ur p ro perty m ay h ave u pse t y o u. T hese p ro ble m s c a n a ls o h ap pen w it h a n ex t-d oor n eig h bor, b ut

now y o u m ay a ls o e n co unte r d is a gre em en ts o ve r p ro perty lin es, d ro ppin g in o n yo u to o o fte n ,

borro w in g t o ols a n d n ot r e tu rn in g t h em , u nsig h tly f e n ce s, in va sio ns o f p riv a cy, m akin g n ois e s fa r in to

t h e n ig h t, b lin din g lig h ts , ta lk in g to yo u eve ry tim e yo u go o ut in to yo ur ya rd (e sp ecia lly w hen

su nbath in g). W hat a b out y o ur f a m ily m em bers? H ere y o u c o uld p ro bab ly w rit e a b ook. Y o u m ay h ave

h ad d is a gre em en ts o ve r s tu dy h ab it s , s le ep in g h ab it s , s m okin g, s n orin g, m essin ess, h ouse h old c h ore s,

u se o f a ca r, fr ie n ds w ho are n ois y o r sle ep o ve r, p ay in g b ills , b uyin g fu rn it u re , T V, to ols , an d

borro w in g c lo th es. If y o u s u bstit u te a te am mate , c lo se fr ie n d, o r r o m an tic p artn er, y o u h ave lik e ly

a ccu m ula te d a lis t o f d is a gre em en ts .

U ndoubte d ly , y o u ca n a d d m an y exa m ple s to th ese lis ts . T he q uestio n is th is : W hat h ap pen s to

c o nlic ts a s r e la tio nsh ip s b eco m e c lo se r, m ore p erso nal, a n d m ore in te rd ep en den t? T he a n sw er is

t h at co nlic t b eco m es in cre asin gly m ore lik e ly , h en ce in ev it a b le . W e ca ll th is th e in ev it a bilit y o f

co n lic t p rin cip le . If y o u c o m pare th e lis ts y o u c re ate d fo r th e th re e ty p es o f r e la tio nsh ip s a b ove ,

yo u w ill p ro bab ly in d th at a s th e re la tio nsh ip b eco m es clo se r a n d m ore in te rd ep en den t (fr o m a

d is ta n t n eig h bor to a n ex t-d oor n eig h bor a n d fr o m a n ex t-d oor n eig h bor to a r o om mate , te am mate ,

clo se f r ie n d, o r r o m an tic p artn er):

th e m ore is su es a re lik e ly t o o ccu r,

th e m ore t r iv ia l ( m in or) c o m pla in ts b eco m e s ig n i ic a n t o nes, a n d

th e m ore in te n se y o ur f e elin gs a re .

A s w e g o fr o m o ur re la tio nsh ip w it h a d is ta n t n eig h bor to th at o f a ro om mate , w e a re n ot o nly

b eco m in g p hysic a lly c lo se r, b ut w e a ls o fe el e m otio nally c lo se r. In a d dit io n, th e b eh av io r o f s o m eo ne

clo se to u s u su ally h as m ore c o nse q uen ce s fo r u s th an th e b eh av io r o f th ose m ore p hysic a lly a n d

em otio nally dis ta n t. This in te rd ep en den ce m ean s th at th e in div id uals in vo lv e d ca n beco m e

pro ble m atic b y in te rfe rin g w it h e ach o th er’s g o al a ch ie ve m en t o r m ean s to re ach in g th ose go als

w heth er t h e g o als a re e m otio nal, p sy ch olo gic a l, o r m ate ria l.

R ese arc h ers h ave id en ti ie d se ve n ty p es o f e m otio nal, p sy ch olo gic a l, an d m ate ria l re so urc e s th at

p ro duce sa tis fa ctio n in lo ng-te rm ro m an tic re la tio nsh ip s.

A s yo u m ig h t have gu esse d , th ose asp ects th at pro vid e

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s a tis fa ctio n in re la tio nsh ip s h ave th e p ote n tia l to cre ate co nlic t w hen p eo ple p erc e iv e th ey are

la ck in g. I n o rd er o f im porta n ce , t h ey a re :

lo ve — nonve rb al e x p re ssio ns o f p osit iv e r e ga rd , w arm th , o r c o m fo rt

sta tu s— ve rb al e x p re ssio ns o f h ig h o r lo w p re stig e o r e ste em

se rv ic e — la b or o f o ne f o r a n oth er

in fo rm atio n— ad vic e , o pin io ns, in str u ctio ns, o r e n lig h te n m en t

go ods— mate ria l it e m s

money— in an cia l c o ntr ib utio ns

sh are d t im e— tim e s p en t t o geth er

In t h e b est k in d o f lo ng-te rm r o m an tic r e la tio nsh ip , p artn ers b elie ve th at th ey g et w hat th ey d ese rv e .

A lt h ough t h e a b ove lis t f o cu se s o n r o m an tic p artn ers, m an y o f th ese s e ve n r e so urc e s a re r e le va n t to

o th er ty p es o f in te rp erso nal r e la tio nsh ip s, in clu din g r o om mate s, n eig h bors, fr ie n ds, c o w ork e rs, a n d

fa m ily .

T he p oin t is t h at w e c a n e x p ect m ore c o nlic t a s w e b eco m e c lo se r to a n d m ore in te rd ep en den t w it h

s o m e p eo ple . N o w onder S ta m p fo und th at c o nlic t p la y s a r o le in th e c re atio n a n d m ain te n an ce o f

in te rp erso nal re la tio nsh ip s.

T he in ev it a b ilit y o f co nlic t p rin cip le ru ns co ntr a ry to th e

id ea t h at, if w e lo ok lo ng a n d h ard , w e c a n in d p eo ple w it h w hom w e c a n s h are c o nlic t-fr e e liv e s. It

m ean s t h at w e s h ould c e ase o ur e ffo rts t o in d p erfe ct p eo ple a n d le arn h ow to m an age th e c o nlic ts

w e a re s u re to h ave w it h th ose c lo se st to u s. W e n eed to le arn h ow to deal w it h m in or a s w ell a s

m ajo r c o nlic ts , h ow to m ain ta in o ur o bje ctiv it y w hen e n ga ged in c o nlic t, a n d h ow to k e ep o ur s e lf -

c o ntr o l. T he n arra tiv e b elo w illu str a te s t h ese id eas:

B efo re I s ta rte d k e ep in g tr a ck , I d id n’t th in k th at I w as in vo lv e d in m an y c o nlic ts . N ow , I s e e

th at I h ave a lo t o f th em , a n d th at I co uld h ave h an dle d th em d if fe re n tly . A cq uain ta n ce s,

o uts id ers, a n d s tr a n gers m ake m e a n gry, b ut I c h oose n ot to g et in to a v e rb al c o nlic t w it h

th em . I t ju st is n ’t w orth t h e t im e o r e ffo rt. B asic a lly , I ju st w alk a w ay o r c h an ge t h e t o pic .

I a ls o n ote d th at I d eal w it h m y c o nlic ts d if fe re n tly w it h p eo ple clo se st to m e. I h ave th e

gre ate st d if ic u lt y r e ach in g a n a gre em en t u su ally w it h th e p eo ple th at I c a re m ost a b out. It

fr u str a te s m e w hen th e p eo ple c lo se st to m e c a n not u ndersta n d h ow I fe el. S u ch is th e c a se

w it h m y fa th er. H e is h om e a lo ne a ll d ay a n d d oes n oth in g to k e ep h im se lf b usy. In m y

opin io n I th in k h e e n jo ys g ettin g in to c o nlic ts w it h m e ju st to h ave s o m eth in g to d o a n d to

m ake m e c o m munic a te w it h h im .

Alt h ough c o nlic t is in ev it a b le , w e a rg u e th at it n eed n ot g et o ut o f h an d a n d p erh ap s tu rn v io le n t.

U nfo rtu nate ly , to o m an y p eo ple se e v io le n ce a s a n ece ssa ry w ay to d eal w it h co nlic t, b ut o th er

o ptio ns e x is t. B y t e ach in g n onvio le n t s o lu tio ns t o p ro ble m s, s e ttin g a n e xa m ple in o ur d aily liv e s, a n d

ra is in g o ur c h ild re n t o r e so lv e in te rp erso nal c o nlic ts p eace fu lly , w e a re h elp in g t o r e d uce v io le n ce a s

a se rio us so cia l pro ble m . Thus, le arn in g to avo id esca la tio n (i.e ., le arn in g de-e sca la tio n) is an

im porta n t g o al o f t h is t e x tb ook. W e n ex t t u rn o ur a tte n tio n t o t h e id ea o f m an agin g o ur c o nlic ts .

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1.3 Conlict Management 7/3/2020 Print

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Deining Conlict Management as a Skill

Eve ry d ay la n gu age r e le cts th e v a rie ty o f w ay s in w hic h w e r e ga rd c o nlic t: W e ta lk a b out h an dlin g

co nlic t, dealin g w it h it , avo id in g it , or re so lv in g it . W e dein e co n lic t m an agem en t a s th e

co m munic a tio n b eh av io r a p erso n em plo ys b ase d o n h is o r h er an aly sis o f a co nlic t sit u atio n.

A noth er c o nce p t, c o n lic t r e so lu tio n , r e fe rs t o o nly o ne a lt e rn ativ e in w hic h p artie s s o lv e a p ro ble m

o r is su e a n d e x p ect it n ot to a ris e a ga in . Co nlic t m an agem en t in vo lv e s a lt e rn ativ e w ay s o f d ealin g

w it h co nlic t, in clu din g re so lu tio n or avo id in g it alt o geth er.

E ffe ctiv e co nlic t man agem en t occu rs when our

co m munic a tio n b eh av io r p ro duce s m utu al understa n din g an d an outc o m e th at is agre eab le to

e ve ry o ne co nce rn ed .

N ote t h at w e d ein e c o nlic t m an agem en t a s c o m munic a tio n b eh av io r b eca u se b eh av io rs c a n b eco m e

sk ills , s u ggestin g t h at w e c a n le arn fr o m o ur p ast m is ta ke s a n d im pro ve th e w ay w e h an dle c o nlic ts .

In r e ce n t y e ars, c o m munic a tio n s ch ola rs h ave fo cu se d o n th e id ea o f “c o m munic a tio n c o m pete n ce ,”

d escrib in g co m munic a tio n sk ills th at are u se fu l in co nlic t sit u atio ns. W hen w e ca n su cce ssfu lly

p erfo rm a c o m munic a tio n b eh av io r ( s u ch a s lis te n in g w it h out in te rru ptin g) a n d r e p eat th at b eh av io r

w hen t h e s it u atio n c a lls f o r it , w e h ave a c o m munic a tio n s k ill. Co mpete n t c o m munic a to rs n ot o nly tr y

to re p eat th e sk ill w hen n eed b e; th ey als o are ab le to perfo rm th at sk ill w it h out hesit a tio n.

O ne w ay to u ndersta n d co m munic a tio n co m pete n ce is to re fe r to a te le v is io n d an ce co m petit io n,

w here o ne o f t h e ju dges m ad e a d is tin ctio n b etw een m ovin g a n d d an cin g. H e a ccu se d o ne c o nte sta n t

of m ere ly m ovin g a ro und t h e s ta ge. D an cin g, h e s a id , r e q uir e s e x p erie n ce , g o od t r a in in g, a n d p ra ctic e .

W hen o ne d an ce s, th e p erso n e n ga ges in a p erfo rm an ce . T hose w ho sim ply m ove a b out d o n ot

ex p re ss a n y f e elin g o r e n ga ge o th ers. W e c a n u se th is a n alo gy to c o m pare c o m munic a tio n b eh av io rs

to c o m munic a tio n s k ills .

S kills a re n ot in nate ; t h ey a re le arn ed . W e d eve lo p th em th ro ugh e x p erie n ce . T he o nly w ay y o u le arn

h ow t o h an dle c o nlic t s it u atio ns m ore c o m pete n tly is to w ork th ro ugh th e c o nlic ts y o u e n co unte r

—

t h at is , le arn in g fr o m th is b ook a n d tr y in g to p ra ctic e y o ur n ew s k ills . D ue to th e c o m ple x it y o f th e

ta sk , fe w s u cce ssfu lly r id e a b ic y cle th e ir st tim e. M ost fa ll o ff. S o m etim es th ey a re lu ck y a n d s to p

befo re h urtin g t h em se lv e s. S o on, w it h a g re at d eal o f c o nce n tr a tio n, r id in g a b ik e is m an ageab le , a n d

th en it b eco m es s o m eth in g th at is a lm ost s e co nd n atu re . T he p ro ble m is th at m ost o f u s a re m ore

w illin g t o le arn h ow to r id e b ic y cle s th an w e a re to le arn c o nlic t m an agem en t s k ills . Co mmunic a tio n

co m pete n ce ta ke s k n ow le d ge a b out th e w ay c o nlic t w ork s, k n ow le d ge o f th e s k ills th at a re u se d in

c o nlic t s it u atio ns, a n d p ra ctic e . T his b ook d is cu sse s th e s k ills a sso cia te d w it h fr a m in g m essa ges in

c o nlic t sit u atio ns— sp eci ic m essa ge beh av io rs th at have pro ve n effe ctiv e in va rio us kin ds of

co nlic ts . T he g o al is to c o nnect th in kin g a b out c o nlic ts w it h a ctin g in c o nlic ts s o a s to c h oose th e

m ost e ffe ctiv e b eh av io rs p ossib le .

In a d dit io n t o f o cu sin g o n b eh av io rs t h at c a n b eco m e s k ills , o ur d ein it io n o f c o nlic t m an agem en t h as

tw o m ore im porta n t im plic a tio ns. F ir st, o ur d ein it io n im plie s th at y o u h ave c h oic e s to m ake w hen in

a c o nlic t s it u atio n s u ch a s h ow to c o m munic a te . Y o u c a n c h oose a m ong v a rio us o ptio ns to d eal w it h

c o nlic ts . Y o u m ay a vo id o r c o nfr o nt c o nlic ts . Y o u m ay r e act p eace fu lly o r v io le n tly . Y o u m ay tr e at

o th ers p olit e ly w it h r e sp ect o r v e rb ally a b use o th ers. Y o u m ay sim ply g iv e in o r in sis t o n “h av in g

eve ry th in g y o ur w ay.”

S eco nd, o ur v ie w s u ggests t h at, in o rd er t o e ffe ctiv e ly m an age c o nlic t, y o u m ust a n aly ze it b y ta kin g a

m eta -c o nlic t persp ectiv e . Yo u may re ca ll th at one of th e fu ndam en ta ls of in te rp erso nal

7

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8 (h ttp :/ /co nte n t.t h uzele arn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio ns/ se c1 -

5# P7000481815000000000000000001A F2)

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co m munic a tio n is th e id ea o f m eta -c o m munic a tio n, w here o ne tr ie s to o bje ctiv e ly lo ok a t in te ra ctio n

betw een p eo ple a n d t a lk a b out it in te llig en tly . W e m ig h t s it b ack , o bse rv e a c o uple o f fr ie n ds in te ra ct,

a n d t h en d escrib e t h eir in te ra ctio n p atte rn to th em . P erh ap s w e o bse rv e th at o ne p erso n d om in ate d

th e c o nve rsa tio n, t h at is , t a lk e d t h e m ost a n d c o ntr o lle d th e to pic o f d is cu ssio n. In c o nlic t, th e a b ilit y

to ta ke a m eta -c o n lic t p ersp ectiv e m ean s th at yo u ca n lo ok back on th e co nlic ts yo u have

e x p erie n ce d , a n aly ze w hat y o u d id w ell a n d w hat y o u d id p oorly , a n d le arn fr o m y o ur m is ta ke s.

E ve n tu ally , y o u m ay e ve n m onit o r y o ur p re se n t in te rp erso nal c o nlic ts , r e aliz e w hat is g o in g o n, a lt e r

yo ur b eh av io r, a n d b ette r m an age t h e c o nlic ts . 7/3/2020 Print

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Linear and Transactional A ppr oaches to C ommunication

Co mmunic a tio n c o m pete n ce h as c h an ged f r o m t e ach in g t h e lin ear a p pro ach to c o m munic a tio n to th e

tr a n sa ctio nal a p pro ach . In b asic c o m munic a tio n c o urse s, y o u p ro bab ly le arn ed th at c o m munic a tio n

w as o nce v ie w ed a s o ne p erso n se n din g a m essa ge to a n oth er p erso n (r e ce iv e r) th ro ugh so m e

ch an nel. S u ch a v ie w o f c o m munic a tio n a ls o c o nta in ed a p ro vis io n fo r n ois e (in te rfe re n ce ) a n d fo r

re ce iv e r fe ed back , s o th at th e r e ce iv e r c o uld in dic a te to th e m essa ge s e n der th at s h e o r h e r e ce iv e d

th e m essa ge a s in te n ded . W e ca n a p ply th is v ie w o f co m munic a tio n a s m an agers o f co nlic t. O ne

co nlic tin g p arty ( th e m essa ge s e n der) m ay s e n d a n y o f th e fo llo w in g m essa ges to th e o th er p arty o f

th e c o nlic t ( th e m essa ge r e ce iv e r):

I a m n ot s p eakin g t o y o u.

I d on’t w an t t o t a lk a b out t h at.

I d is a gre e w it h y o u.

I w an t t o ig h t.

I d on’t lik e y o u.

I d on’t lik e w hat y o u s a id .

I d on’t w an t t o s e e y o u a n ym ore .

I w an t s o m eth in g t o c h an ge.

T he s e n der o f s u ch m essa ges m ay u se a n y o f t h e f o llo w in g c h an nels :

F ace -to -fa ce

S y n ch ro nous v ia s o m e m ed iu m lik e a c e ll p hone o r in sta n t m essa gin g

A sy n ch ro nous v ia a n e m ail, t e x t m essa ge, o r a r e la y p erso n a s t h e m essa ge c a rrie r

N ois e m ay c o nsis t o f d is tr a ctio ns in th e fa ce -to -fa ce e n vir o nm en t ( s u ch a s T V, o th er p eo ple , o r lo ud

so unds) o r te ch nic a l d if ic u lt ie s th at d ele te m essa ges v ia th e In te rn et o r cu t o ff co nta ct o n a ce ll

p hone.

In a c o nlic t, fe ed back fr o m o th ers m ay c o nsis t o f n onve rb al re actio ns, su ch a s fa cia l cu es (a n ger,

h urt, sa d ness), b ody m ove m en ts (s ta n din g u p o r w alk in g o ut) , g estu re s (m akin g a is t, b eco m in g

m ore d yn am ic a n d liv e ly ), to ne o f v o ic e (s cre am in g, y e llin g), o r v e rb al re sp onse s (n am e-c a llin g o r

sw earin g).

In t h e a b ove p ara gra p hs, w e d escrib ed a lin ea r m od el o f c o m munic a tio n , u sin g th e w ord s s e n der,

r e ce iv e r, c h an nel, n ois e , a n d fe ed back . F o r th e m ost p art, th is m odel e m phasiz e s a cc u ra cy : Is w hat

w as “ r e ce iv e d ” t h e s a m e m ean in g a s w hat w as “ in te n ded o r s e n t” ?

W hile th is a p pro ach ca n b e h elp fu l to o ur u ndersta n din g, it is a n arro w v ie w o f co m munic a tio n.

W hen a p plie d to c o nlic t, th e lin ear m odel lim it s o ur v ie w o f in te rp erso nal c o nlic t a s s o m eth in g w e

do t o s o m eo ne. F o r e xa m ple , w e m ig h t t a ke a p osit io n a n d t r y t o c o nvin ce t h e o th er o f o ur v ie w .

W hile th e ab ove d escrip tio n o f co nlic t an d co m munic a tio n m ay so und fa m ilia r to m an y of us,

in te rp erso nal c o nlic t is a lo t m ore c o m plic a te d th an th e s im ple s e n din g a n d r e ce iv in g o f m essa ges.

W hen c o nlic ts a ris e , th ey a ris e b eca u se o f th e w ay b oth p eo ple a ct w it h r e sp ect to o ne a n oth er. In

e sse n ce , w e m ake o ur c o nlic ts t o geth er; it is r a re th at a c o nlic t is e n tir e ly th e fa u lt o f o ne p erso n in 7/3/2020 Print

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th e r e la tio nsh ip . R eco gn iz in g t h at, w e w ould h ope t o c re ate a n d m an age a m ore p ro ductiv e c o nlic t—

o ne t h at b egin s w it h a p ro ble m a n d e n ds w hen c o nlic tin g p artie s a gre e o n w hat t o d o a b out it .

F ro m a lin ear p oin t o f v ie w , o ur fo cu s is o n th e e n d r e su lt , w hic h m ean s g ettin g th e o th er to c h an ge

h is o r h er m in d o r b eh av io r t o c o in cid e w it h o ur p osit io n. I n a d dit io n, u sin g a lin ear m odel to e x p la in

c o nlic t o fte n r e su lt s in t r y in g t o ix t h e “ b la m e” o f t h e c o nlic t s it u atio n o n o ne p erso n o r a n oth er, n ot

re co gn iz in g t h at b oth p eo ple in a c o nlic t s it u atio n c o ntr ib ute to th e e m erg en ce o f th e c o nlic t. In th e

ex tr e m e, th is m ode o f th in kin g m ig h t le ad u s to g o so fa r a s to a ccu se th e o th er o f b ein g stu pid ,

m akin g a b ad d ecis io n, o r d oin g s o m eth in g w ro ng b eh av io ra lly . W e m ay y e ll a n d scre am u ntil th e

co nlic t tilt s in o ur fa vo r. O bvio usly , th is c a n d o d am age to o ur r e la tio nsh ip w it h o th ers. F o rtu nate ly ,

th ere a re o th er w ay s to m an age co nlic ts . O ur n eed fo r a n a lt e rn ativ e a p pro ach le ad s u s to th e

“tr a n sa ctio nal” m odel o f c o m munic a tio n.

W hile th e lin ear vie w em phasiz e s th e en d pro duct of co m munic a tin g (c o nvin cin g, persu ad in g,

co ntr o llin g, o r d om in atin g th e o th er), th e tr a n sa ctio n al m od el o f co m munic a tio n em phasiz e s

m an agin g a n d co ord in atin g. G iv e n th is v ie w , c o m munic a tio n m ay b e d ein ed a s th e e xch an ge o f

ve rb al a n d n onve rb al m essa ges in a n a tte m pt to b ette r u ndersta n d o ne a n oth er’s p ersp ectiv e a n d

cre ate sh are d mean in g.

Su ch an ap pro ach re co gn iz e s th at th is vie w of

co m munic a tio n ( a n d b y e x te n sio n, c o nlic t) is n ’t s o m eth in g w e d o to o ne a n oth er, b ut s o m eth in g w e

do w it h o ne a n oth er ( lik e t e am work ).

S im ila rly , a c o nlic t is n ot s e en a s s o m eth in g th at h ap pen s w hen o ne p erso n “s e n ds” a m essa ge to

a n oth er in dic a tin g t h at h e o r s h e is u nhap py w it h s o m e b eh av io r o f th e o th er. R ath er, c o nlic t is s e en

as th e b eh av io rs o f e ach p erso n, in re sp onse to o ne a n oth er, e xch an gin g m essa ges, h earin g e ach

o th er o ut, co opera tin g, a n d co njo in tly cre atin g an u ndersta n din g in w hic h b oth p eo ple p erc e iv e

th em se lv e s a s b ein g in co nlic t w it h o ne a n oth er, m utu ally sh arin g re sp onsib ilit y fo r th e co nlic t

sit u atio n, a n d w ork in g to geth er to b ette r d eal w it h it . O ne s tu den t d escrib ed it a s “tr y in g to b uild a

s a n dca stle by dir e ctin g so m eo ne els e ’s han ds.”

Co nlic t is v ie w ed a s g iv in g a n d ta kin g, w ork in g to geth er fo r

a s o lu tio n to a p ro ble m , d is cu ssin g a n d a rriv in g a t m utu al u ndersta n din gs, co nse n su s, a gre em en t,

a n d r e so lu tio n. B oth c o nlic tin g p artie s h ave a re sp onsib ilit y to w ard e m path iz in g w it h e ach o th er,

a vo id in g ju dgm en t, k e ep in g a n o pen m in d, w elc o m in g fe ed back , a n d r e aliz in g th at b oth m ay h ave to

a d ap t t o r e so lv e t h e is su e.

O ne im plic a tio n o f th is ap pro ach is th at w e vie w co m munic a to rs as w ork in g to geth er to cre ate

m ean in g. T he a d va n ta ge is t h at w e b egin t o r e co gn iz e t h e im porta n ce o f b oth p eo ple ’s b eh av io r in t h e

co nlic t sit u atio n. One perso n actin g “c o m pete n tly ” in a co nlic t sit u atio n, usin g effe ctiv e

co m munic a tio n sk ills , u su ally ca n not b rin g th e co nlic t to a m utu ally sa tis fy in g re so lu tio n all b y

h im se lf o r h erse lf . I t t a ke s t w o p eo ple t o m ake a c o nlic t, a n d it t a ke s t w o p eo ple t o m an age o r r e so lv e

it in a m utu ally a gre eab le m an ner. T he w ay p eo ple ta lk a b out th e co nlic t to geth er, th e w ay th ey

ex p re ss m essa ges in re sp onse to o ne an oth er, an d th e w ay th ey “r e ad ” each o th er’s n onve rb al

m essa ges a s t h e c o nlic t is b ein g e n acte d a ll c re ate t h e c o nlic t s it u atio n a s w ell a s m an age it o r m ove

it to r e so lu tio n. M ore o ve r, it is n ot s im ply th at th e a ctio ns w e ch oose a re a re su lt o f th e w ay w e

in te rp re t s it u atio ns; in ste ad , w hat h ap pen s in t h is c o nlic t a ffe cts h ow w e t h in k a b out f u tu re c o nlic ts .

T he p rim ary d if fe re n ce b etw een th e lin ear a n d tr a n sa ctio nal fo cu s in c o m munic a tio n is s e en in th e

vis u al m eta p hors w e m ig h t u se to e x p la in e ach . W hile th e p rim ary v is u al m eta p hor fo r th e lin ear

m odel is a c o nve yo r b elt ( m essa ges s e n t a n d r e ce iv e d in a lin ear fa sh io n), in th e tr a n sa ctio nal m odel,

c o m munic a tio n (a n d h en ce c o nlic t a s a ty p e o f c o m munic a tio n) is s e en m ore a s a d an ce th at tw o

peo ple d o t o geth er ( m essa ges c o -c re ate d b y m an agin g a n d c o ord in atin g).

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Destructive and Pr oducti ve C onlict Communication Pr ocesses

What d oes it m ean to ta ke a p ro ce ss vie w o f so m eth in g? A pro ce ss is d yn am ic , o n-g o in g, an d

co ntin uous ( n ot s ta tic , a t r e st, o r ix e d ). It is e vo lu tio nary in n atu re . V ie w in g o bje cts , p eo ple , e ve n ts ,

a n d s o cia l s it u atio ns a s p ro ce sse s m ean s t h at w e u ndersta n d:

Pro ce sse s h ave s ta ges o r p hase s o f d eve lo pm en t t h ro ugh g ro w th o r d ete rio ra tio n.

They h ave a h is to ry in w hic h a d is tin ctiv e p atte rn e m erg es.

T hey c o nsis t o f c o ntin ual c h an ge o ve r t im e.

T hey h ave in gre d ie n ts t h at in te ra ct ( a ffe ct o ne a n oth er) t h at m ay o r m ay n ot le ad to th e n ex t

sta ge ( d ep en din g o n t h e in gre d ie n ts ).

A t a n y g iv e n p oin t in tim e a n d s p ace , th ey r e p re se n t s o m e o utc o m e, s ta ge, o r s ta te o f b ein g

(lik e a p ic tu re o r a s in gle f r a m e in a ilm ).

T he w ay w e t a lk a b out s o m eth in g o fte n f a ils t o r e le ct a p ro ce ss v ie w — su ch a s “ th e h ap py c o uple ,” “ a

d iv o rc e d p erso n,” o r “ a n e x-c o nvic t” —w hic h s u ggests t h at p eo ple d o n ot c h an ge, a re n ot a t o ne s ta ge

o f a d eve lo pin g lif e c y cle o r r e la tio nsh ip , o r d o n ot le arn fr o m th eir e x p erie n ce s a n d g ro w . W e fo rg et

th at c o m munic a tio n is a p ro ce ss w hen w e f o cu s o n s im ply g ettin g o ur m essa ge u ndersto od b y o th ers

w it h out tr y in g to s e e th eir p oin t o f v ie w , a d ap tin g to it , a n d co -c re atin g m ean in g. F ailin g to se e a

co nlic t a s a p ro ce ss e x p la in s w hy s o m e p eo ple a re n ot in te re ste d in le arn in g h ow to m an age it . S o ,

w e d on’t t a ke a p ro ce ss v ie w :

when w e s e e s o m eth in g a s u nch an gin g (e .g ., h e w as a n au gh ty ch ild , so h e is p ro bab ly a

p ro ble m a d ult ) ,

w hen w e s e e s o m eth in g a s h av in g n o h is to ry ( e .g ., n oth in g in y o ur p ast is im porta n t o r a ffe cts

y o u t o day ),

w hen w e s e e s o m eth in g a t it s p re se n t a ge o nly a n d n ot a s a s ta ge in d eve lo pm en t (e .g ., y o u

are a lw ay s t h is w ay a n d w ill n eve r c h an ge), o r

w hen w e d o n ot c o nsid er th e in gre d ie n ts th at m ake u p s o m eth in g ( e .g ., y o u d o n ot c o nsid er

h ow y o ur g o als , fe ars, a n d a b ilit ie s, o th ers’ e x p ecta tio ns o f y o u, a n d y o ur d ead lin es o r tim e

lim it s in te ra ct t o c re ate h ow y o u v ie w y o urse lf ).

W e d o n ot w an t t o ta ke s u ch a s ta tic a p pro ach w hen d is cu ssin g c o m munic a tio n a n d c o nlic t. In ste ad ,

w e s e e t h em a s d yn am ic , c h an geab le , a n d m ovin g to w ard s o m e e n d. B y c o m bin in g th e te rm s, w e c a n

d ein e co n lic t c o m munic a tio n a s a p ro ce ss o f e xch an gin g v e rb al a n d n onve rb al m essa ges in a

co nlic t s it u atio n th at s ta rts w it h a n te ce d en ts , m ove s th ro ugh s te p s, a n d e n ds w it h c o nse q uen ce s.

W e kn ow th at re so lv in g co nlic t th ro ugh co m munic a tio n

does n ot e n d c o nlic t f o re ve r, h ow eve r m uch w e m ig h t w an t t h at t o b e th e c a se . W e e n ga ge in c o nlic t

a ga in a n d a ga in , a n d w e h ave a p re tty g o od id ea h ow t h ese c o nlic ts u nfo ld .

A pro ce ss v ie w o f c o n lic t c o m munic a tio n has im plic a tio ns f o r h ow w e v ie w a c o nlic t s it u atio n a n d

co nlic t m an agem en t b eh av io r. B oth a re e m bed ded in a s e rie s o f in sta n ce s th at fo llo w o ne a n oth er

(a s in a v id eo o f p eo ple m eetin g, t a lk in g, a n d d ep artin g). S u ch a v ie w o f r e alit y r e le cts a w are n ess th at

o ur liv e s co nsis t of eve n ts in lu en cin g su bse q uen t eve n ts .

W hen w e le arn to ta ke th is v ie w , w e b egin to s e e s it u atio ns

an d b eh av io rs a s p hase s o r s ta ges, r e le ctin g a s w it c h t o a p ro ce ss o rie n ta tio n. If th e s e rie s c o ntin ues

to re p eat it s e lf (lik e a p erp etu al m otio n m ach in e), i t beco m es a cyc le . In so m e ca se s, co nlic t

sit u atio ns b eco m e c y cle s b eca u se th ey g et b ogged d ow n in p artic u la r s ta ges a n d r e p eat th em se lv e s.

E ffe ctiv e c o nlic t m an agem en t c o nsis ts o f c o nve rtin g p ote n tia lly d estr u ctiv e m essa ges in to p ro ductiv e

co nlic t co m munic a tio n. Late r, in Ch ap te r 2

(h ttp :/ /co n te n t.t h uzele a rn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio n s/ ch 02# ch 02) , w e e la b ora te

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on d ysfu nctio nal a n d fu nctio nal c y cle s o f c o nlic t c o m munic a tio n to h elp u s id en tif y th e b eh av io rs

th at m ake c o nlic t d estr u ctiv e , a n d, it is h oped , c h oose b eh av io rs t h at k e ep t h e c o nlic t f r o m b eco m in g

so .

A s dep ic te d in Fig u re 1 .1

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3# P7000481815000000000000000001A AD ) , a p ro ce ss v ie w s u ggests th at a s u cce ssfu lly r e so lv e d

co nlic t m ove s t h ro ugh a s e rie s o f iv e r e co gn iz a b le s ta ges, s te p s, o r p hase s, w it h e ach s ta ge a ffe ctin g

th e n ex t.

F ig u re 1 .1 A P ro ce ss V ie w o f Co nlic t.

 T he p ro ce ss v ie w o f c o nlic t a ssu m es t h at a ll w e h ave e x p erie n ce d p rio r to

a p artic u la r co nlic t fo rm s th e gro up fo r th e co nlic t w e are cu rre n tly

e x p erie n cin g. P rio r ex p erie n ce s co m pris e th e p re lu de to th e co nlic t. A

tr ig gerin g e ve n t c a u se s u s t o p erc e iv e th at w e a re in a c o nlic t w it h a n oth er

p erso n. A fte r a tr ig gerin g e ve n t, w e (o r th e o th er p erso n) w ill in it ia te th e

co nlic t th ro ugh n onve rb al m ean s (w it h dra w al, sile n ce , sla m min g doors,

e tc .) o r v e rb al m ean s ( “w e n eed to ta lk ”). T he d if fe re n tia tio n p hase in clu des

w ork in g o ut t h e c o nlic t, in clu din g t h e id en ti ic a tio n o f t h e is su e a n d fe elin gs

ab out it . T he re so lu tio n p hase in clu des th e o utc o m e to th e co nlic t an d

beco m es p art o f t h e p re lu de t o t h e n ex t c o nlic t e x p erie n ce d .

The p re lu de t o c o n lic t c o nsis ts o f t h e v a ria b le s th at m ake c o nlic t p ossib le b etw een th ose in vo lv e d .

The p re lu de c o m pris e s f o ur v a ria b le s:

th e p artic ip an ts in t h e c o nlic t s it u atio n ( n um ber, a ge, s e x , e tc .) 7/3/2020 Print

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th e r e la tio nsh ip b etw een th em ( w hic h m ay v a ry in c lo se n ess a n d d is tr ib utio n o f p ow er) a n d

th eir c o nlic t h is to ry

o th er in te re ste d p artie s t o t h e c o nlic t ( in clu din g b ysta n ders)

th e p hysic a l a n d s o cia l e n vir o nm en t o f th e c o nlic t s it u atio n (a p arty in s o m eo ne’s h om e, a

m eetin g a t w ork , d in ner w it h f a m ily o r f r ie n ds)

In t h e p re lu de t o c o nlic t, t h e p ote n tia l f o r m an if e st c o nlic t e x is ts b eca u se o f th e p eo ple in vo lv e d a n d

th e o th er so cia l an d p hysic a l fa cto rs th at d ein e th e sit u atio n. L ik e th e ir st blo ck in a lin e of

dom in oes, t h ese v a ria b le s a ffe ct t h e c o urse o f c o nlic t.

T he tr ig gerin g e ve n t o r c o nlic t s tim ulu s is a b eh av io r th at th e p artie s in th e c o nlic t p oin t to a s th e

is su e, p ro ble m , o r fo ca l p oin t o f th e co nlic t. E xa m ple s in clu de sa y in g so m eth in g u pse ttin g, d oin g

so m eth in g o ffe n siv e , o r n ot d oin g s o m eth in g o ne is e x p ecte d t o d o b y o th ers.

A n im porta n t p oin t to u ndersta n d a b out tr ig gerin g e ve n ts is th at th e p artie s in vo lv e d d on’t a lw ay s

p oin t to th e s a m e b eh av io r a s th e tr ig ger fo r th e c o nlic t. F o r e xa m ple , y o u m ay h ave e x p erie n ce d

so m e lo ng-te rm d is sa tis fa ctio n w it h th e w ay y o ur r o om mate le ave s h is o r h er c lo th es a n d o bje cts a ll

o ve r th e h ouse . F o r y o u th e tr ig ger o f y o ur co nlic t is th e ro om mate ’s m essin ess. Y o u in ally sa y

so m eth in g to th e o th er p erso n a n d, in d oin g s o , tr ig ger a c o nlic t fo r h er o r h im a b out th e o th er’s

p erc e p tio n o f y o u a s c o ntr o llin g. F o r t h at p erso n, a c o nlic t e x is ts in w hic h th e tr ig ger is y o ur a tte m pt

to in lu en ce h er o r h is b eh av io r. W hile y o u b oth a re e x p erie n cin g o ne c o nlic t s it u atio n, th e b eh av io r

th at e ach o f y o u s e e a s th e tr ig ger to it is s o m etim es d if fe re n t. In e ffe ct th ere a re r e ally tw o c o nlic ts

g o in g o n sim ult a n eo usly each w it h it s o w n tr ig ger, one in vo lv in g a ro om mate ’s m essin ess an d

an oth er d ealin g w it h y o ur d om in an t b eh av io r. Y o ur d is co ve rin g th is w ould b e a g o od e xa m ple o f

m eta -c o nlic t a n aly sis . H av in g s a id th at, w e o fte n e n ga ge in a s in gle co nlic t w here th e p artie s ca n

agre e o n th e tr ig ger. F o r e xa m ple , a d au gh te r is is su ed a tic k e t fo r te x tin g w hile d riv in g a n d h er

p are n ts c o nfr o nt h er a b out it . B oth m ig h t a gre e in th is ca se th at sh e sh ould n ot b e te x tin g w hile

d riv in g. S o , s o m etim es t h e p artie s c a n a gre e t h at a p artic u la r e ve n t t r ig gere d t h e c o nlic t.

T he in it ia tio n p hase o r r e sp onse o ccu rs w hen th e c o nlic t b eco m es o ve rt. T his h ap pen s w hen a t

le ast o ne p erso n m ake s k n ow n to th e o th er th at a co nlic t ex is ts , su ch as re actin g to an oth er’s

u pse ttin g c o m men t, p oin tin g o ut t h e o ffe n siv e n atu re o f th e o th er’s b eh av io r, o r r e m in din g th e o th er

th at s h e o r h e is e x p ecte d t o d o s o m eth in g t h e p erso n is n ot d oin g.

T he d iffe re n tia tio n phase or ongo in g in te ra ctio n patte rn occu rs w hen th e partic ip an ts use

co nstr u ctiv e o r d estr u ctiv e s tr a te gie s a n d t a ctic s, p re se n tin g b oth s id es o f th e s to ry, m ovin g b ack a n d

fo rth , a n d e sca la tin g a n d d e-e sca la tin g th e c o nlic t. L astin g a n yw here fr o m a fe w m in ute s to d ay s o r

eve n w eeks, t h is is t h e s ta ge w here t h e c o nlic t b eco m es q uit e o bvio us. A lt h ough p artie s m ay v ie w th e

open d is a gre em en t a s “ th e c o nlic t,” f r o m a c o m munic a tio n p oin t o f v ie w , t h e r e ve la tio n o f d if fe re n ce s

is t h e f o urth s ta ge in t h e in te rp erso nal c o nlic t p ro ce ss.

T his p hase s e rv e s a u se fu l p urp ose b y a llo w in g b oth p artie s t o e x p la in h ow t h ey s e e t h e s it u atio n t h at

giv e s r is e to c o nlic t a n d w hat th ey w an t to h ap pen a s a r e su lt o f th e c o nlic t. S o m etim es, o nly o ne

partic ip an t w an ts to ad dre ss th e co nlic t; th e oth er perso n avo id s co nfr o ntin g th e is su es. The

re la tio nsh ip , t h e c o nlic t h is to ry o f t h e p artic ip an ts , a n d th eir p re fe rre d s ty le s in d oin g c o nlic t a ll a ct

a s in gre d ie n ts t h at a ffe ct h ow t h e c o nlic t p ro ce ed s.

T he re so lu tio n p hase o r o utc o m e o ccu rs w hen th ose in vo lv e d a cce p t s o m e o utc o m e to th e c o nlic t.

Id eally , a s u cce ssfu l c o nlic t r e su lt s in a w in – w in o utc o m e, w here th e p artic ip an ts a re b oth s a tis ie d

w it h t h e o utc o m e a n d p ut th e m atte r to r e st. L ess id eal, th e p artic ip an ts m ay d ecid e th at th e is su e is

s e ttle d fo r th e tim e b ein g w hile r e co gn iz in g th at it m ay a ris e a ga in in th e fu tu re . T he w orse ca se

o ccu rs w hen a d om in an t p artn er d ecid es t h e m atte r f o r b oth p artn ers a n d a cts a s th ough th e m atte r

is r e so lv e d w hen in f a ct t h e p artn er is d is sa tis ie d w it h t h e r e su lt . 7/3/2020 Print

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In t h is te x tb ook, w e a rg u e th at c o nlic t m an agem en t m ay r e su lt in r e so lu tio n o r it m ay n ot. In s o m e

ca se s, th e b est d ecis io n m ay b e to a cco m modate o r a vo id c o nfr o nta tio n. In a ll o f th ese c a se s, o ne is

m an agin g th e co nlic t p ro ce ss. O ne m an ages th e co nlic t pro ce ss w heth er effe ctiv e or not an d

w heth er th e c o nlic t is r e so lv e d s a tis fa cto rily o r n ot. T his b ook e x p la in s h ow to e ffe ctiv e ly m an age

co nlic ts t o t h e m utu al s a tis fa ctio n o f t h e p artie s c o nce rn ed .

R ega rd le ss o f th e o utc o m e r e ach ed , th e w ay in w hic h a c o nlic t is m an aged a ffe cts th e w ay fu tu re

c o nlic ts a re m an aged b etw een t h e a ffe cte d p artie s. T hus, w e illu str a te th e c o nlic t p ro ce ss a s a c y cle ,

w here th e m an agem en t o f o ne c o nlic t b eco m es p art o f th e p re lu de o f th e n ex t c o nlic t. A ga in , th is

b ook f o cu se s o n c o nstr u ctiv e c o nlic t m an agem en t a p pro ach es.

W hen p eo ple a re a b le to b rin g th eir c o nlic ts to s u cce ssfu l r e so lu tio n, it r e in fo rc e s p osit iv e th in kin g

ab out c o nlic t. E ach s u cce ssfu l c o nlic t w e e n ga ge in in cre ase s th e c h an ce s th at fu tu re c o nlic ts a re

p ro ductiv e b eca u se w e le arn t h at c o nlic t is n ’t d re ad fu l a n d s o m eth in g w e m ust a vo id .

Yo u s h ould r e aliz e n ot a ll c o nlic ts a re e xa ctly a lik e . S o m e m ay f o llo w t h e iv e -s te p s e q uen ce o f e ve n ts

fa ste r o r s lo w er, a n d t h ere is o fte n a n u neve n d is tr ib utio n o f tim e w it h in th e m odel. F o r e xa m ple , th e

pre lu de to c o nlic t m ay o ccu r o ve r s e ve ra l m onth s a n d th e a ctu al o ve rt m an if e sta tio ns o f co nlic t

h ap pen in a m atte r o f m in ute s o r v ic e v e rsa .

M ore o ve r, a s w e s h ow in t h e n ex t c h ap te r, f r o m a p ro ce ss p ersp ectiv e , a n u nsu cce ssfu l c o nlic t is o ne

th at b eco m es d iv e rte d a t o ne o f th e s ta ges. A c o nlic t m ay b egin to p ro gre ss th ro ugh th e p hase s a n d

sto p, o r it m ay r e tu rn t o a p re v io us s ta ge w hen n ew is su es a re in tr o duce d a n d a d ded to th e c o nlic t.

A s in e xa m in in g a n y co m munic a tio n e ve n t, th e p ro ce ss ste p s m ay illu m in ate b ut a ls o d is to rt o ur

ex p ecta tio ns. T he s te p s a re u se d f o r e x p la n atio n a n d a n aly sis , n ot a s a P ro cru ste an b ed in to w hic h a ll

c o nlic ts must it exa ctly .

Co nlic t c o m munic a tio n is d estr u ctiv e o r d ysfu nctio nal w hen it le ave s th e p artic ip an ts d is sa tis ie d .

Perp etu al co nlic ts ca n pro duce perp etu al pro ble m s in a re la tio nsh ip .

A cco rd in g to r e se arc h ers, th ere a re a t le ast th re e w ay s in

w hic h c o nlic ts m ay e sca la te a n d d o h arm to a r e la tio nsh ip . F ir st, th e m ore e xcit e d a n d h eate d th e

co nlic t c o m munic a tio n (in te rm s o f p hysio lo gic a l a ro usa l, e sp ecia lly fo r m en ), th e m ore lik e ly th e

partn ers a re t o d is e n ga ge f r o m t h eir r e la tio nsh ip d urin g t h e n ex t f e w y e ars. S eco nd, s o m e p atte rn s o f

co nlic t co m munic a tio n (s u ch a s a p peasin g th e o th er ra th er th an en ga gin g in co nlic t) are m ore

d is a str o us to th e r e la tio nsh ip in th e lo ng r u n e ve n if th ey a p pear m ore d esir a b le a t th e b egin nin g.

T hir d , ce rta in n onve rb al b eh av io rs d urin g co nlic t co m munic a tio n (e .g ., w om an ’s dis g u st, m an ’s

m is e ra b le sm ile , etc .) pre d ic t re la tio nsh ip bre aku ps la te r. The fa ct th at ce rta in co m munic a tio n

beh av io rs an d w ay s o f d ealin g w it h co nlic t are asso cia te d w it h re la tio nsh ip d is sa tis fa ctio n an d

bre aku ps n ece ssit a te s a b ette r u ndersta n din g o f c o nlic t c o m munic a tio n a n d a re d is cu sse d in d eta il in

C h ap te r 2 ( h ttp :/ /co n te n t.t h uzele a rn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio n s/ ch 02# ch 02) .

O n th e o th er h an d, co nlic t co m munic a tio n is p ro ductiv e o r it se rv e s a u se fu l p urp ose w hen th e

partic ip an ts a re a ll sa tis ie d a n d th in k th at th ey h ave g a in ed a s a re su lt o f th e co nlic t. H ow eve r,

fe elin gs a b out t h e o utc o m e a re n ot e n ough t o d ete rm in e t h e p ro ductiv it y o f a c o nlic t. S o m e c o nlic ts ,

a lt h ough u nco m fo rta b le in t h e s h ort r u n, m ay s e rv e t h e n eed s o f t h ose in th e r e la tio nsh ip in th e lo ng

ru n, o r m ay e ve n s e rv e o th ers o uts id e t h e p artie s’ r e la tio nsh ip o r s o cie ty a t la rg e.

T his m ake s s e n se , p artic u la rly f o r p eo ple w ho a re u nco m fo rta b le e n ga gin g in c o nlic t c o m munic a tio n

at th e o uts e t. If, fo r e xa m ple , y o u h ave a n ew r o om mate , a n d y o u in d a lm ost im med ia te ly th at y o ur

perso nal h ab it s are d ia m etr ic a lly o ppose d , yo u m ig h t fe el u nco m fo rta b le as yo u co nfr o nt yo ur

ro om mate in o rd er to in d s o m e p oin t o f a gre em en t o n y o ur h ab it s . B eca u se y o u d o n ot k n ow th e

14 (h ttp :/ /co nte n t.t h uzele arn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio ns/ se c1 -

5# P7000481815000000000000000001A F8)

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oth er w ell, th e c o nlic t c o m munic a tio n m ay s e em s tr a in ed a n d a w kw ard . A fte rw ard , y o u m ay th in k

yo u d id n ot r e sp ond v e rb ally in th e b est w ay p ossib le . H ow eve r, if y o u se e im pro ve d ch an ges in

b eh av io r o ve r t im e, t h en w e c a n c o nclu de th at th e c o nlic t w as p ro ductiv e . Y o u n eed to e n la rg e y o ur

vie w o f a c o nlic t t o in clu de n ot o nly t h e o utc o m es o r r e su lt s b ut a ls o y o u a n d y o ur p artn er’s fe elin gs

ab out o ne an oth er’s actu al beh av io r w it h in th e co nlic t it s e lf as m easu re s of effe ctiv e co nlic t

m an agem en t. T he f o llo w in g a re t w o e xa m ple s o f h ow e ffe ctiv e ly m an aged c o nlic ts m ove th ro ugh th e

iv e s ta ges:

E xa m ple 1

P re lu de. F o r th e ir st tim e in a b out tw o w eeks, m y d ad , b ro th er, a n d I w ere a ll in th e

sa m e p la ce a t th e s a m e tim e. W e w en t to d in ner to geth er, g iv in g u s o ur ir st c h an ce in

w eeks to ta lk to geth er. W e h ad ju st o rd ere d d in ner w hen th e in ev it a b le q uestio n c a m e

up. W hat a m I g o in g to d o a fte r I g ra d uate ? W hen th e q uestio n c a m e u p th is tim e, I h ad

an a n sw er. I to ld m y d ad a b out th e p ro gre ss I h ad m ad e in jo b co nta cts an d o th er

p ossib ilit ie s I w as c o nsid erin g. I e sp ecia lly w an te d to tr a ve l d urin g th e su m mer w it h a

sp orts t e am a s a s p orts in fo rm atio n d ir e cto r, b ut I h ad m ad e n o s p eci ic p la n s. P o p a sk e d

if I h ad s e n t in m y a p plic a tio n y e t. I s a id t h at I h ad n’t .

T rig ger. M y o ld er b ro th er, S tu art, c h im ed in th at I’d b ette r d o it s o on. T his is w hen th e

co nlic t sta rte d . The to ne in Stu art’s vo ic e w as w hat se t m e off. H e w as usin g a

co ndesce n din g a ttit u de t o w ard m e, w hic h I h ate .

In it ia tio n . I t o ld h im t h at it w as n one o f h is b usin ess; t h at h e n eed n ot t e ll m e w hat t o d o.

D iffe re n tia tio n . S tu art go t m ad , as usu al, an d to ld m e th at I w as in te rp re tin g th e

sit u atio n w ro ng. H e b asic a lly t o ld m e t h at I s h ould n’t f e el t h e w ay I d o b eca u se th ey w ere

o nly s h ow in g t h at t h ey c a re . T his r u bbed m e th e w ro ng w ay b eca u se I’v e h ad e n ough o f

peo ple te llin g m e h ow I sh ould fe el. I tr ie d to e x p la in h ow I fe lt b ut w as in te rru pte d

se ve ra l t im es w it h t h e r e sp onse t h at I w as w ro ng t o f e el t h at w ay. I t o ld h im t h at I t h ough t

I w as b ein g m ore t h an f a ir in t e llin g m y f a m ily m y p la n s a n d f e elin gs.

R eso lu tio n . A t th is p oin t, m y fa th er in te rv e n ed a n d m ad e u s b oth a p olo giz e to each

o th er fo r m akin g s u ch a s ce n e. W e d id a n d m ove d o n to o th er to pic s th at w ere s a fe r to

d is cu ss.

E xa m ple 2

P re lu de. O ur d au gh te r is n ot a m orn in g p erso n. M y h usb an d is o ne, b ut I a m u su ally th e

one w ho d ra gs h er o ut o f b ed fo r s ch ool. T he o th er m orn in g I w as h av in g a h ard tim e

wakin g u p, a n d I d id n’t w orry t o o m uch a b out it b eca u se m y h usb an d w as u p a n d I d id n’t

h ave t o g et u p e arly . I in ally g o t u p ju st b efo re m y d au gh te r h ad t o le ave .

T rig ger. M y h usb an d r e m ark e d “ I g o t J e n ny u p f o r y o u.” T hat r e ally ir rit a te d m e, b eca u se

w hen h e s a y s t h at it s o unds lik e t a kin g c a re o f o ur d au gh te r is a f a vo r h e d oes m e in ste ad

o f a n o blig a tio n w e b oth h ave .

In it ia tio n . I r e m ark e d t h at it r e ally b oth ere d m e w hen h e s a id t h at.

D iffe re n tia tio n . H e s a id th at h e r e aliz e d th at it w ould b e e asie r fo r a ll c o nce rn ed if h e

go t h er u p t h is m orn in g. I s a id I d id n’t lik e t h e w ay h e s a id it .

R eso lu tio n . H e a p olo giz e d a n d s a id h e d id n’t m ean it t h e w ay it s o unded . H e a p pre cia te d

th at I u su ally g o t h er u p. H e w as ju st tr y in g to r e assu re m e th at I d id n’t h ave to w orry

a b out g ettin g J e n ny t o s ch ool. I t o ld h im I a p pre cia te d b ein g r e assu re d , b ut r e ally n eed ed

to b elie ve w e w ere in t h is t o geth er. H e a gre ed , a n d w e d ro pped it . 7/3/2020 Print

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We b elie ve t h at d estr u ctiv e c o n lic t o ccu rs w hen t h e p artie s d o n ot m an age a c o nlic t in a w ay t h at is

m utu ally s a tis fa cto ry a n d d oes h arm t o t h eir r e la tio nsh ip . M ore o ve r, w hen p artic ip an ts in th e c o nlic t

lo se sig h t o f th eir o rig in al go als , w hen h ostilit y b eco m es th e norm , w hen m is m an aged co nlic t

b eco m es a r e gu la r p art o f t h e in te ra ctio n b etw een p eo ple , c o nlic t is d estr u ctiv e . M ost im porta n tly , w e

ch ara cte riz e d estr u ctiv e c o nlic t a s a te n den cy to e x p an d a n d e sca la te th e c o nlic t to th e p oin t w here

it o fte n b eco m es s e p ara te d f r o m t h e in it ia l c a u se a n d t a ke s o n a lif e o f it s o w n. Co nsid er th is p erso n’s

a cco unt o f p oorly h an dle d c o nlic ts .

I g ave o ne f r ie n d, J a so n, a n in co rre ct r e aso n w hy a n oth er fr ie n d, T im , w as n ot g o in g to h ave

a d rin k. I t o ld J a so n t h at T im h ad a p ro ble m w it h a lc o hol, w hic h w asn ’t r e ally tr u e. W hen T im

f o und o ut w hat I to ld Ja so n, h e g o t u pse t (u ndersta n dab ly ) w it h m e, a n d w e h ad a n asty

a rg u m en t, w hic h c o ntin ued to th e fo llo w in g n ig h t. I r e m em ber y e llin g, s w earin g, la y in g m y

arm s in th e a ir , k ic k in g a c h air , a n d a ccu sin g h im o f b ein g fr o m a n a lc o holic fa m ily (w hic h

w asn ’t t r u e).

A cco rd in g t o o ur v ie w , d estr u ctiv e c o nlic t o ccu rs w hen th ere is a n in cre ase in th e n um ber o f is su es,

n um ber o f p eo ple in vo lv e d , c o sts to th e p artic ip an ts , a n d in te n sit y o f n ega tiv e fe elin gs. It in clu des a

d esir e to h urt th e o th er p erso n a n d to g et e ve n fo r p ast w ro ngs. D estr u ctiv e c o nlic t o ccu rs w hen

th ere is e sca la tio n a n d p artie s fa il to c o nsid er th eir o ptio ns. L astly , d estr u ctiv e c o nlic t p la ce s h eav y

re lia n ce o n o ve rt p ow er a n d m an ip ula tiv e t e ch niq ues.

W e b elie ve t h at p ro d uctiv e c o n lic t o ccu rs w hen a c o nlic t is k e p t to th e is su e a n d to th ose in vo lv e d .

It r e d uce s th e c o sts to th e p artic ip an ts a n d th e in te n sit y o f n ega tiv e fe elin gs. It in clu des h elp in g th e

oth er p erso n a n d le ttin g g o o f p ast fe elin gs. P ro ductiv e c o nlic t o ccu rs w hen th ere is n o e sca la tio n

an d lo ss o f c o ntr o l. I t fe atu re s a n a w are n ess o f o ptio ns in c o nlic t s it u atio ns. P ro ductiv e c o nlic t d oes

n ot r e ly o n o ve rt p ow er a n d m an ip ula tiv e t e ch niq ues. A lo ng w it h t h ese c h ara cte ris tic s, w e t h in k t h at a

p ro ductiv e v ie w o f c o nlic t s it u atio ns in clu des le x ib ilit y a n d a b elie f th at a ll c o nlic tin g p artie s ca n

ach ie ve t h eir im porta n t g o als .

P ro ductiv e co nlic t is dis tin gu is h ed fr o m destr u ctiv e on th e basis of m utu ally fa vo ra b le or

unfa vo ra b le o utc o m es. W e n eed to s a y m ore a b out th e id ea o f o utc o m es, o r th e r e su lt s p eo ple a re

s e ekin g t o a ch ie ve w hen t h ey e n ga ge in c o nlic t. S o m etim es, t h ese g o als a re c le ar a t th e o uts e t, a n d a t

o th er t im es t h ey d eve lo p a s t h e c o nlic t c o ntin ues.

W e r e aliz e th at th e te rm “ o utc o m es” m ay s u ggest th e r e so lu tio n o f s o m e is su e o r s o lu tio n o f s o m e

pro ble m . H ow eve r, m an y p eo ple a re s a tis ie d e ve n w hen th ese g o als a re n ot a ch ie ve d . A ll th ey w an t

fr o m th e c o nlic t s it u atio n is fo r th e o th er p arty to s h ow in te re st in th e p ro ble m ; s h ow c o nce rn fo r

th eir fe elin gs; a n d p ay a tte n tio n to th eir w an ts , n eed s, o r in te re sts , eve n if th eir w is h es are n ot

fu l ille d . T hese a re m ore p erso nal, e m otio nal o utc o m es th at a re a sso cia te d w it h p erc e iv e d fa ir n ess,

a cce p ta n ce a s a p erso n, a n d ju stic e . T here is a c o m mon u ndersta n din g t h at c o m pla in ts n eed a tte n tio n

fr o m th ose r e sp onsib le . In c o nlic ts , b oth p artie s a re a n xio us to te ll th eir s id e o f th e s to ry a n d w an t

oth ers t o h ear t h em o ut. I f y o u t a ke t h e t im e a n d m ake a n e ffo rt t o m eet w it h m e a n d s h ow in te re st in

m y c o nce rn s, I m ay le ave a c o nlic t s it u atio n a t le ast s o m ew hat s a tis ie d o r fe elin g b ette r th an if y o u

co ntin ue to ig n ore m e o r tr e at m e b ad ly . B ette r y e t, y o u m ay m ake fu tu re d ecis io ns b ase d o n m y

re ce n t in put. 7/3/2020 Print

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Negative V iew of Conlict

Unfo rtu nate ly , m an y c o nlic ts fa il to m ake it th ro ugh a ll iv e s ta ges a n d e n d w it h m utu al s a tis fa ctio n

w it h th e o utc o m e. O ur e x p erie n ce w it h co nlic t h as m ad e u s w ary o f it . O ne o f th e ch alle n ges in

g ettin g p eo ple to le arn m ore a b out c o nlic t m an agem en t is th at p eo ple o fte n d o n ot e ve n lik e to u se

th e w ord c o nlic t t o d escrib e t h eir e x p erie n ce s, a s t h is n arra tiv e d em onstr a te s:

I d on’t h ave c o nlic ts , b eca u se t o m e, a c o nlic t is w hen y o u h ave n o p la ce le ft to g o . I’m r ig h t;

y o u’r e w ro ng, s o le t’s f o rg et it . U p t o t h at p oin t, I b arg a in o r a rg u e, b ut I d on’t h ave c o nlic ts .

E ve n w hen w e a re a b le t o r e co gn iz e o ne w hen w e a re in t h e m id dle o f it d oes n ot m ean th at w e h ave

b egu n to th in k ab out co nlic t as so m eth in g th at is pote n tia lly help fu l. Co nlic tin g partie s ofte n

ex p erie n ce a c u rio us te n sio n; th at is , th ey e x p ect (lo gic a lly a n d in te lle ctu ally ) to e x p erie n ce c o nlic t

b ut w an t t o s e ttle it a s s o on a s p ossib le s o t h at t h eir liv e s c a n r e tu rn t o “ n orm al.”

W hat co m es to m in d w hen yo u th in k o f in te rp erso nal co nlic t? H ow w ould yo u co m ple te th is

s e n te n ce : T o m e, c o nlic t is lik e . . . .

W ould y o u d escrib e c o nlic t a s lik e a w ar, b attle , o r ig h t? W ould

y o u s a y c o nlic t is m ore lik e a s tr u ggle , a n u phill c lim b, o r a c o nte st o f w ills ? Is it lik e fe elin g s ic k to

y o ur s to m ach ? D o y o u th in k o f c o nlic t a s lik e b ein g o n tr ia l, a d ay in c o urt? P erh ap s y o u s e e it a s a

g a m e, m atc h , o r s p ort? O r w ould y o u d escrib e it m ore a s a co m munic a tio n b re akd ow n, a b arrie r

b etw een yo u an d an oth er? P hoto 1.1

( h ttp :/ /co n te n t.t h uzele a rn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio n s/ se c1 -

3# P7000481815000000000000000001A C0) sh ow s o ne p erso n’s v ie w o f co nlic t: It is so m eth in g

th at m ake s h er f e el b ound a n d g a gged .

Co nlic t is a lm ost a lw ay s a sso cia te d w it h n ega tiv e fe elin gs. W e k n ow th at m an y p eo ple d o n ot fe el

co nid en t ab out han dlin g a co nlic t. In a stu dy, re se arc h ers ask e d peo ple to describ e past

in te rp erso nal c o nlic ts a n d fo und th at th ey o ve rw helm in gly u se d n ega tiv e te rm s to d escrib e th eir

c o nlic ts : “ It is lik e b ein g in a s in kin g s h ip w it h n o lif e b oat,” “ lik e a c h eck b ook th at w on’t b ala n ce ,” o r

“lik e bein g in a ro w boat in a hurric a n e.”

T he partic ip an ts in th e stu dy describ ed th eir co nlic ts

a lm ost u nif o rm ly as d estr u ctiv e o r n ega tiv e , su ggestin g th at w hen th ey effe ctiv e ly m an aged an

in te rp erso nal co nlic t, re sp onden ts did not th in k it was a co nlic t at all.

T his is ty p ic a l o f a n ega tiv e v ie w o f c o n lic t : T he id ea th at

co nlic ts a re p ain fu l o ccu rre n ce s t h at a re p erso nally t h re ate n in g a n d b est a vo id ed .

To s a y w hat c o nlic t is lik e is a n e xe rc is e in c re atin g a co n lic t m eta p hor , w here y o u a re a sk e d to

c o m pare one te rm (c o nlic t) w it h so m eth in g els e (s tr u ggle , ex p lo din g bom bs, bein g on tr ia l) .

M eta p hors a re n ot o nly ig u re s o f s p eech b ut a ls o a r e le ctio n o f h ow w e t h in k.

H ow w e th in k a b out so m eth in g lik e co nlic t an d th e m eta p hors w e m ay cre ate fo r it cre ate an

ex p ecta tio n a s to w hat c a n , w ill, o r s h ould h ap pen , a n d th e s o rt o f e m otio ns th at m ig h t o ccu r. H ow

p eo ple t h in k a b out c o nlic t in g en era l t e rm s a ffe cts h ow t h ey s e e t h eir c u rre n t s it u atio n, h ow th ey s e e

th e c o nlic t is su e, w hat c h oic e s t h ey t h in k a re a va ila b le t o t h em , a n d h ow t h ey v ie w t h e o th er p erso n’s

a ctio ns. Y o u c a n k n ow a g re at d eal a b out c o nlic t m an agem en t, b ut if y o u h old a n ega tiv e v ie w o f

co nlic t y o ur b eh av io rs m ay b e le ss c o m pete n t w hen f a ce d w it h o ne.

W hat d o w e le arn fr o m a c o lle ctio n o f m eta p hors p eo ple g iv e w hen a sk e d w hat co nlic t is lik e to

t h em ? F ir st, in te re stin gly , w e in d t h at n ot e ve ry o ne u se s a m eta p hor t o d escrib e a c o nlic t u nle ss t h ey

a re pro m pte d to do so .

H ow eve r, th ose w ho d o so o fte n u se m eta p hors th at a re

1 6

(h ttp :/ /co nte n t.t h uzele arn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio ns/ se c1 -

5# P7000481815000000000000000001A FB )

1 7

(h ttp :/ /co nte n t.t h uzele arn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio ns/ se c1 -

5# P7000481815000000000000000001A FC )

1 8 (h ttp :/ /co nte n t.t h uzele arn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio ns/ se c1 -

5# P7000481815000000000000000001A FD ) 7/3/2020 Print

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Photo 1 .1 . B ound. A m y M univ e ’s co nlic t a rt

re le cts h er n ega tiv e p erc e p tio ns o f co nlic t

a s s o m eth in g th at re n ders h er h elp le ss a n d

sp eech le ss.

a sso cia te d w it h th e str a te gy use d to re sp ond to

c o nlic t: P eo ple w ho u se n ega tiv e s tr a te gie s u se m ore

n ega tiv e m eta p hors an d oth ers who are more

p assiv e use meta p hors th at re le ct pow erle ss

fe elin gs.

S eco nd, w e le arn t h at n ot a ll p eo ple c h oose th e s a m e

ad je ctiv e s w hen d escrib in g w hat co nlic t m ean s to

t h em . P eo ple c h oose d if fe re n t a d je ctiv e s to d escrib e

th eir perc e p tio n of in te rp erso nal co nlic t. These

w ord s re le ct so m ew hat d if fe re n t vie w s, w hic h are

th em se lv e s in c o nlic t. Q uit e o fte n a p erso n w ho s e es

co nlic t a s a “b attle ie ld w it h r e la tio nsh ip s b ein g th e

ca su alt ie s” d oes n ot c o m pare it to b ein g o n tr ia l o r a

d ay in co urt, as an oth er m ig h t. Pro bab ly , neit h er

p erso n th in ks o f c o nlic t a s lik e a b ask e tb all g a m e, a

te n nis m atc h , o r s o m e o th er s p ort. A lt h ough p eo ple

v a ry in th eir p erc e p tio ns o f co nlic t, m ost se em to

r e je ct t h e id ea t h at in te rp erso nal c o nlic t is a p osit iv e ,

h ealt h y, an d fo rtu nate eve n t— one th ey sh ould

w elc o m e.

T his co m mon b ut n ega tiv e attit u de to w ard co nlic t

h in ders u s fr o m le arn in g h ow to b ette r m an age o ur

co nlic ts . A lt h ough p eo ple o fte n th in k th at th ey ca n

le arn n ew c o m munic a tio n s k ills to im pro ve th e w ay

th ey han dle in te rp erso nal co nlic ts , th ey do not

re aliz e th at th eir attit u des, belie fs , an d em otio nal

re actio ns m ay h ave t o u nderg o c h an ge a s w ell.

J u st a s o ne c a n v ie w a g la ss o f w ate r a s h alf e m pty b ut a n oth er s e es it a s h alf fu ll, s o c a n w e s w it c h

fr o m a n ega tiv e v ie w o f in te rp erso nal c o nlic t, w here w e s e e it a s th re ate n in g, to a p osit iv e v ie w . O ne

w om an r e p orts h er c h an ge in a ttit u de t o w ard c o nlic t.

T he m ost v a lu ab le le sso n I h ave le arn ed is t h at c o nlic t is n ot n ece ssa rily b ad . I n o lo nger s e e

co nlic ts a s a d an ger t o r e la tio nsh ip s. M y a cce p ta n ce o f c o nlic ts a s t h e r e su lt o f r e la tio nsh ip s

has h elp ed m in im iz e t h e d is co m fo rt I f e el in c o nlic t s it u atio ns.

T his is a p osit iv e vie w o f co n lic t , w here the effecti ve conlict manag er doe s not view conlict

neg atively , but r ather see s opportunitie s t o r e sol ve pr oblems and impr ove r e lationships with the people

w ho mean the most in c onlict situations. T he im porta n t ir st s te p in m an agin g c o nlic t is to a d opt a

m in d-s e t th at e m bra ce s c o nlic t a s a n o pportu nit y w hile re co gn iz in g th e ris k s in vo lv e d in it . Y o ur

oth er s k ills in c o nlic t d ep en d o n y o ur a b ilit y to tr a n sfo rm h ow y o u th in k a b out c o nlic t in g en era l.

Cl oke r e m ark s:

W e c a n a ll r e co gn iz e th at in o rd er to r e so lv e o ur c o nlic ts w e h ave to m ove to w ard s th em ,

whic h is in here n tly d an gero us b eca u se it c a n c a u se th em to e sca la te . It is s o m ew hat m ore

d if ic u lt f o r u s t o g ra sp th at o ur c o nlic ts a re la d en w it h in fo rm atio n th at is e sse n tia l fo r o ur

gro w th , le arn in g, in tim acy, a n d ch an ge, th at th ey p re se n t u s w it h m ult ip le o pen in gs fo r

tr a n sfo rm atio n an d uniq ue opportu nit ie s to le t go of old patte rn s. 1 9

(h ttp :/ /co nte n t.t h uzele arn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio ns/ se c1 -

5# P7000481815000000000000000001A FE) 7/3/2020 Print

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Photo 1 .2 . T his w ate rc o lo r p ain tin g b y L yn n

Palm er tit le d “E ve ry Co nlic t Te lls a Sto ry ”

re le cts a h ealt h y v ie w o f c o nlic t.T here m ay

b e so m e p ain fu l sp ots in vo lv e d , an d th ere

m ay eve n be pla ce s w here th e co nlic t is

d era ile d o r s ta lle d , b ut o ve ra ll, c o nlic t y ie ld s

posit iv e r e su lt s .

T his m in d-s e t r e co gn iz e s t h e im porta n ce o f p erso nal r e sp onsib ilit y fo r o ne’s a ctio ns a n d e n co ura ges

le x ib ilit y in o nese lf a n d in o th ers w it h in th e c o nlic t s it u atio n. It a ls o r e co gn iz e s th at c o m munic a tio n

w ork s n o m ir a cle s b ut t h at it u su ally h elp s w hen m an agin g m an y o f o ur c o nlic ts . M ost im porta n t, th is

m in d-s e t re je cts easy so lu tio ns an d re co gn iz e s th e co m ple x it y of co nlic t sit u atio ns an d th eir

o utc o m es.

T he co nlic t art in P hoto 1.2

( h ttp :/ /co n te n t.t h uzele a rn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio n s/ se c1 -

3# P7000481815000000000000000001A C4) illu str a te s th e Id eal Co nlic t M an ager m in d-s e t. It

r e co gn iz e s th e in here n t d an ger in c o nlic t— th ere a re th orn s, a n d th ere a re p la ce s w here a p erso n

ca n g et t r a p ped . A t th e s a m e tim e, it d em onstr a te s th e p osit iv e o utc o m es th at c a n a ris e fr o m c o nlic t

h an dle d w ell. 7/3/2020 Print

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Learning to R espect Others: Ci vility as a Response to C onlict

Perc e iv in g c o nlic t a s a n o pportu nit y to s o lv e p ro ble m s a n d im pro ve a r e la tio nsh ip s h ould h elp u s

bette r m an age m an y o f o ur c o nlic ts . A noth er c h alle n ge is g ettin g p eo ple to r e aliz e th at a n im porta n t

m ean s o f r e sp ondin g to c o nlic ts a cro ss a ll c o nte x ts is m aste rin g th e h ab it o f c iv ilit y . Ci vilit y is n ot to

b e c o nfu se d w it h sim ple etiq uette . C iv ilit y is co nstit u te d b y a n a ttit u de o f re sp ect to w ard o th ers

m an if e ste d in o ur b eh av io r t o w ard t h em ; t h at r e sp ect is n ot p re d ic a te d o n h ow w e f e el a b out th em in

p artic u la r. Ci vilit y r e q uir e s th at w e a re m in dfu l o f o th ers a ro und u s a n d a w are o f th e im pact o ur

beh av io r has on th em .

Is c iv ilit y r e ally a p ro ble m fo r u s? T he a n sw er, u nfo rtu nate ly , is y e s. O ne n eed s o nly to d riv e o n a n

in te rsta te , s ta n d in a lo ng lin e, d eal w it h a g o ve rn m en t a gen cy, o r lis te n to p eo ple in a s h oppin g m all

t o r e aliz e t h at c iv ilit y is la ck in g in o ur s o cie ty . T he u se o f p ro fa n it y is a t a n a ll- tim e h ig h ; a cco rd in g t o a

r e ce n t r a d io s ta tio n’s “ g u ess w hat” g a m e, t h e a ve ra ge A m eric a n c u rse s 7 0– 8 0 tim es a d ay. In civ ilit y is

n o str a n ger to th e w ork p la ce , eit h er. A s Su tto n poin ts out, “m an y w ork p la ce s are pla gu ed by

‘in te rp erso nal m ove s’ th at le ave p eo ple fe elin g th re ate n ed a n d d em ean ed , w hic h a re o fte n d ir e cte d

b y more pow erfu l peo ple at le ss pow erfu l peo ple .”

S o m etim es, in civ ilit y b eco m es so in te n se th at it is b ette r

ch ara cte riz e d as bully in g, a se t of beh av io rs we dis cu ss in Ch ap te r 1 2

(h ttp :/ /co n te n t.t h uzele a rn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio n s/ ch 12# ch 12) o r vio le n t

so cia l gro ups we dis cu ss in Ch ap te r 1 3

(h ttp :/ /co n te n t.t h uzele a rn in g.c o m /b ooks/ C ah n.7 882.1 7.1 /se ctio n s/ ch 13# ch 13) .

Ca rte r’s s e m in al w ork o n Ci vilit y p ro vid es a p ersp ectiv e o n w hy w e h ave b eco m e s o u nciv il to w ard

o ne a n oth er. H e t r a ce s t h e h is to ric a l d eve lo pm en t o f b ooks o f e tiq uette , d eve lo ped to h elp p eo ple g et

alo ng in clo se quarte rs. So m e of th e earlie st A m eric a n w rit in gs on civ ilit y w ere pro pose d as

gu id elin es t o h elp p eo ple g et a lo ng o n r a ilw ay c a rs, w here t h ey w ere in th e c o m pan y o f s tr a n gers fo r

lo ng p erio ds o f tim e. T he e arly w rit in gs w ere r e m in ders to p asse n gers th at th ey w ere n ot a lo ne o n

th e tr a in . T hey a ffe ct o th ers b y u nto w ard b eh av io r. A s Ca rte r p oin ts o ut, in m an y w ay s, w e h ave

b eco m e u naw are o f t h e f a ct t h at w e a re n ot s o lit a ry p asse n gers th ro ugh lif e . T he r e la tiv e is o la tio n o f

our liv e s to day, w heth er in o ur c a rs, o ur h om es, o r o ur c o m munit ie s, o fte n le ad s u s to a ct in w ay s

th at a re r u de t o o th ers.

Ca rte r a ls o in dic a te s t h at a ttit u des a n d b eh av io rs c o nstit u te c iv ilit y , b ut h e ta ke s th e id ea a b it fa rth er.

Ci vilit y , Ca rte r a rg u es, “ is th e s u m o f th e m an y s a cri ic e s w e a re c a lle d to m ake fo r th e s a ke o f liv in g

to geth er.”

T hese s a cri ic e s m ay in clu de g iv in g u p th e n eed to b e r ig h t

or th e n eed to b e h eard in o rd er to a tta in a g re ate r g o od fo r th e re la tio nsh ip , g ro up, fa m ily , o r

org a n iz a tio n a s a w hole . T his d oes n ot m ean w e s u ppre ss n eed ed a n d h elp fu l c o nlic t, b ut th at w e

sto p a n d t h in k a b out w heth er s p eakin g u p r e ally is n ece ssa ry f o r t h e g o od o f a ll. Ca rte r a rg u es t h at “ a

n atio n w here e ve ry o ne a gre es is n ot a n atio n o f c iv ilit y b ut a n atio n w it h ere d o f d iv e rsit y . . . . W hen

w e a re c iv il, w e a re n ot p re te n din g to lik e th ose w e a ctu ally d esp is e ; w e a re n ot p re te n din g to h old

a n y a ttit u de to w ard th em , e xce p t th at w e a cce p t a n d v a lu e th em a s e ve ry b it o ur eq uals . . .”

I n o th er w ord s, h ow w e t r e at o th ers s h ould b e in dep en den t

of w hat w e th in k o f th em . S o m etim es, it ta ke s a w hile fo r p eo ple to c a tc h o n to th is n otio n, a s th e

narra tiv e b elo w in dic a te s:

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I h ave t o w ork w it h s o m eo ne w ho h as b een a t h orn in m y s id e f o r a lo ng tim e. W e h ave b een

o n t h e o pposit e s id es o f m ost is su es, a n d h e h as d one s o m e th in gs th at w ould g et h im ir e d

an yw here e ls e . T o m y d is m ay, I f o und th at I w ould h ave to a tte n d th e s a m e c o nfe re n ce a s h e

an d b e in h is c o m pan y fo r a w eek! I w as n ot h ap py a b out it , a n d sp en t so m e tim e b ad -

m outh in g h im t o o ne o f m y c o lle agu es w ho w as a ls o a tte n din g th e c o nfe re n ce . H e in ally to ld

m e th at if I w as g o in g to c o ntin ue lik e th at fo r th e w eek, h e w as g o in g to a sk fo r h aza rd ous

duty p ay w hen w e r e tu rn ed . I r e aliz e d a t t h at m om en t t h at I w as tu rn in g in to th e k in d o f je rk

I th ough t th e o th er p erso n w as. I d ecid ed to tr y s o m eth in g d if fe re n t. I w as n ic e to h im th e

w hole c o nfe re n ce . I ’m n ot g o in g to te ll y o u th at I lik e h im a n y b ette r n ow , b ut b ein g c iv il d id

h ave it s o w n r e w ard s. I w asn ’t a n xio us, I w asn ’t ir rit a te d , I w as ju st p olit e . T he c o lle agu e w ho

fo rm erly h ad s a id h e w an te d h aza rd ous d uty p ay w as a m aze d .

G iv e n t h e im porta n ce o f c iv ilit y , w hat a re t h e b eh av io rs a p erso n s h ould a d opt t h at r e le ct it ? T o b egin

w it h , c iv ilit y is a w ay o f b ein g a tte n tiv e , a ck n ow le d gin g o th ers, th in kin g th e b est o f o th ers, lis te n in g,

b ein g in clu siv e , sp eakin g k in dly , a cce p tin g o th ers, re sp ectin g th eir b oundarie s, a cce p tin g p erso nal

re sp onsib ilit y , an d ap olo giz in g when nece ssa ry.

T ro este r an d M este r offe r iv e sp eci ic ru le s fo r civ il

la n gu age a t w ork :

1. T he b est w ord s to c h oose w hen c a u gh t in a n u nex p ecte d , e m otio nally c h arg ed s it u atio n a re

n o w ord s a t a ll.

2. U se w ord s r e sp ectfu l o f t h e s p eci ic lis te n er t o w hom t h ey a re a d dre sse d .

3. R esp ect th e r e alit y o f th e s it u atio n b y c h oosin g te m pera te a n d a ccu ra te , n ot in la m mato ry,

w ord s w hen d escrib in g o r c o m men tin g o n id eas, is su es, o r p erso ns.

4. U se o bje ctiv e , n ondis crim in ato ry la n gu age t h at r e sp ects t h e u niq uen ess o f a ll in div id uals .

5. R esp ect yo ur lis te n ers by usin g cle an la n gu age all th e tim e on th e jo b.

W e c lo se w it h s o m e o f t h e p rin cip le s th at Ca rte r la y s o ut in h is b ook, a s th ey p ro vid e th e m ost w id e-

ra n gin g s e t o f a ssu m ptio ns th at c a n h elp u s to e n ga ge in c iv il b eh av io r. A s w e d is cu sse d p re v io usly ,

th e d ecis io n t o b e c iv il t o o th ers s h ould n ot d ep en d o n w heth er w e lik e th em . F u rth er, s in ce c iv ilit y is

s e en a s s o m etim es s a cri ic in g o ne’s o w n w is h es, th at s a cri ic e m ust b e e x te n ded to s tr a n gers a s w ell

a s p eo ple w e k n ow . Ci vilit y is b oth a c o m mit m en t n ot to d o o th ers h arm a n d a c o m mit m en t to d o

go od f o r o th ers. W hen w e d is a gre e, c iv ilit y r e q uir e s th at w e b e h onest a b out o ur d if fe re n ce s a n d d o

our b est to m an age th em r a th er th an s u ppre ssin g th em o r ig n orin g th em . F in ally , a s Ca rte r a rg u es,

civ ilit y r e q uir e s th at w e c o m e in to th e p re se n ce o f o th ers w it h a s e n se o f a w e a n d g ra tit u de, r a th er

th an a s e n se o f d uty a n d o blig a tio n.

Ci vilit y is a n im porta n t s k ill in o ur c o nlic t m an agem en t t o olb ox. A lo ng w it h t h e o th er t o ols c o ve re d in

la te r c h ap te rs, w e b elie ve c iv ilit y s h ould b e th e p rim ary s k ill p eo ple le arn in o rd er to fu nctio n m ore

e ffe ctiv e ly .

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Manage It

Beca u se y o u w an t t o k n ow h ow t o c o nfr o nt s o m eo ne y o u k n ow p erso nally a n d h ow to b ette r h an dle

y o ur p re se n t c o nlic ts , w e d esig n ed th is te x tb ook to h elp y o u u se e ffe ctiv e co nlic t co m munic a tio n

beh av io r. O ur g o al in th is ir st ch ap te r is to in tr o duce y o u to th e stu dy o f in te rp erso nal co nlic t,

d ein ed a s a p ro ble m atic s it u atio n th at o ccu rs b etw een in te rd ep en den t p eo ple w ho se ek d if fe re n t

go als o r m ean s to th ose g o als , w hic h h as th e p ote n tia l to a d ve rse ly a ffe ct th e re la tio nsh ip if n ot

ad dre sse d a n d th at th ere is a se n se o f u rg en cy ab out th e n eed to re so lv e th e d if fe re n ce s. O ur

dein it io n b ro ad en s th e s tu dy o f c o nlic t b eca u se n onve rb al m essa ges s u ch a s n ot s p eakin g to o ne

an oth er c a n a d ve rse ly a ffe ct r e la tio nsh ip s a s m uch a s v e rb al o nes.

A lt h ough m an y p eo ple m ay n ot a d m it it , m ost p eo ple e n co unte r c o nlic t q uit e fr e q uen tly . Co nlic t is

in ev it a b le — as r e la tio nsh ip s b eco m e c lo se r, m ore p erso nal, a n d m ore in te rd ep en den t, m ore c o nlic ts

o ccu r, tr iv ia l (m in or) co m pla in ts beco m e m ore sig n i ic a n t, an d fe elin gs beco m e m ore in te n se .

A lt h ough c o nlic t is in ev it a b le , it d oes n ot n eed to g et o ut o f h an d a n d p erh ap s tu rn v io le n t b eca u se

o th er o ptio ns a re a va ila b le . W e a lw ay s h ave c h oic e s ( o r o ptio ns) in c o nlic t s it u atio ns, a n d w e a re a ll

r e sp onsib le f o r o ur o w n a ctio ns.

Co nlic t m an agem en t is th e c o m munic a tio n b eh av io r w e e m plo y b ase d o n o ur a n aly sis o f a c o nlic t

sit u atio n. P ro ductiv e m an agem en t o f co nlic t sit u atio ns in clu des le x ib ilit y an d th e b elie f th at all

c o nlic tin g p artie s c a n a ch ie ve t h eir im porta n t g o als .

Co mpete n t c o nlic t m an agers m ust r e co gn iz e th at c o m munic a tio n is n ot lin ear a n d n ot s im ply s a y in g

w hat’s o n o ne’s m in d. Co mmunic a tio n ( a n d, b y e x te n sio n, c o nlic t) is n ’t s o m eth in g w e d o to th e o th er

p erso n, b ut s o m eth in g w e d o w it h o ne a n oth er ( lik e t e am work o r lik e a d an ce ). T he a d va n ta ge o f th e

tr a n sa ctio nal m odel is th at w e r e co gn iz e th e im porta n ce o f b oth p eo ple ’s b eh av io r in th e co nlic t

sit u atio n. O ne p erso n a ctin g c o m pete n tly in a co nlic t sit u atio n a n d u sin g e ffe ctiv e co m munic a tio n

sk ills u su ally c a n not b rin g th e c o nlic t to a r e so lu tio n. It ta ke s tw o p eo ple to m ake th e c o nlic t, a n d it

t a ke s t w o p eo ple t o m an age o r r e so lv e it . B y ta kin g b oth p artie s’ b eh av io r in to c o nsid era tio n, w e c a n

b ette r d ete rm in e w hat c o m munic a tio n o ptio n w e s h ould e xe rc is e in a g iv e n c o nlic t s it u atio n. W e c a n

re sp ond b y a vo id in g th e c o nlic t, s it tin g d ow n a n d d is cu ssin g it w it h th e o th er p erso n, o r re actin g

w it h a ggre ssiv e s p eech o r v io le n t b eh av io r. T he b est o f th ese o ptio ns is co m munic a tin g a b out th e

co nlic t.

W e m ay n ot r e aliz e it a t t h e t im e, b ut c o nstr u ctiv e c o nlic t c o m munic a tio n is p ossib le in m ost if n ot a ll

p ro ble m atic sit u atio ns. Co nlic t co m munic a tio n is a p ro ce ss o f exch an gin g ve rb al an d n onve rb al

m essa ges in a c o nlic t s it u atio n th at sta rts w it h a n te ce d en ts , m ove s th ro ugh ste p s, a n d e n ds w it h

c o nse q uen ce .

T he p ro ce ss v ie w su ggests th at p ro ductiv e co nlic t co m munic a tio n go es th ro ugh iv e sta ges. T he

pre lu de t o c o nlic t s e ts t h e s ta ge b y id en tif y in g th e p eo ple , p la ce , a n d tim e o f th e c o nlic t. A t th e n ex t

sta ge, a t r ig gerin g e ve n t f u nctio ns a s a s tim ulu s, o fte n le ad in g to th e in it ia tio n o f c o nlic t, fo llo w ed b y

th e in it ia tio n p hase , w hic h is t h e r e sp onse t o a t r ig gerin g e ve n t. T he s u bse q uen t d if fe re n tia tio n p hase

is th e o ngo in g in te ra ctio n p atte rn in w hic h m ost o f th e c o nlic t c o m munic a tio n o ccu rs. F in ally , in th e

re so lu tio n p hase c o nlic t p artic ip an ts id eally c o m e t o a m utu ally s a tis fa cto ry a gre em en t o r o utc o m e.

T he p ro ble m is t h at n ot m an y c o nlic ts r e su lt in m utu ally s a tis fa cto ry o utc o m es o r m ake it th ro ugh a ll

iv e sta ges. T here fo re , co nlic t h old s a kin d o f d re ad fo r u s— beca u se w e kn ow w e have ofte n

m is h an dle d it in t h e p ast. T his n ega tiv e v ie w o f c o nlic t m ay le ad u s to a vo id im pro vin g s it u atio ns a n d

in te rp erso nal r e la tio nsh ip s; t h us, w e u rg e o ur s tu den ts t o a d opt a m ore p osit iv e v ie w o f c o nlic t.

A n im porta n t p art o f c o m munic a tio n t o o th ers is c iv ilit y , w hic h is c o nstit u te d b y a n a ttit u de o f r e sp ect

m an if e ste d in o ur b eh av io r to w ard o th ers. R em em ber th at th is fo rm o f r e sp ect is n ot p re d ic a te d o n 7/3/2020 Print

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how w e fe el a b out th em p erso nally . T he v a rio us w ay s to a p pro ach c o nlic t a re d is cu sse d in th e n ex t

ch ap te r. 7/3/2020 Print

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Exercises

Intr oduct ory Exercise

This e xe rc is e a sk s y o u to o bse rv e th e co nlic ts y o u e n co unte r o ve r a w eek o r m ore (s e e co nlic t

re co rd s th at fo llo w ). Y o u m ay in clu de r e ce n t c o nlic ts th at o ccu rre d p rio r to th is a ssig n m en t if y o u

re m em ber t h em in d eta il.

W hen r e co rd in g y o ur c o nlic ts , k e ep in m in d o ur d ein it io n o f a c o nlic t s it u atio n. S o m e s tu den ts s a y

th ey c a n not d o t h is e xe rc is e b eca u se th ey h ave n o c o nlic ts . T his m ean s th at th ey d o n ot u ndersta n d

th is ch ap te r. R em em ber th at u nex p re sse d co nlic ts d o ex is t. F o r exa m ple , acco rd in g to th e w ay

co nlic t is d ein ed in t h is t e x tb ook, a c o nlic t e x is ts a n y t im e w e w ould p re fe r t o d o s o m eth in g b ut g iv e

in to o th ers a n d d o s o m eth in g e ls e , o r w e m ay s im ply a vo id c o nfr o ntin g o th ers, w hic h is a ty p e o f

co nlic t. S o , w e a ctu ally m ay h ave m ore co nlic ts th an w e m ay th in k. In yo ur essa y, ad dre ss th e

fo llo w in g t o pic s:

a. W hat d o y o u th in k o f th e a u th ors’ d ein it io n o f in te rp erso nal co nlic t? (F o r e xa m ple , y o u

m ig h t s ta rt o ut g iv in g t h e a u th ors’ d ein it io n a n d e x p la in h ow w ell it it s w it h t h e c o nlic ts y o u

are p re se n tly o bse rv in g in y o ur lif e .)

b. W ould y o u s a y t h at it is in ev it a b le t o e x p erie n ce c o nlic t w it h t h ese in div id uals ?

c. I n w hat w ay s w ere t h e c o nlic ts p ro ductiv e a n d in w hat w ay s d estr u ctiv e ?

d. Co nclu de w it h a p ara gra p h o n h ow sa tis ie d yo u are w it h th e w ay yo u an d th e o th ers

h an dle d th ese co nlic ts an d an y pro ble m s yo u have w hen atte m ptin g to m an age yo ur

in te rp erso nal c o nlic ts . 7/3/2020 Print

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Conlict R ec or ds

In str u ctio ns: M ake 1 0 c o pie s o f th is r e co rd . O ve r th e n ex t w eek o r s o , o bse rv e y o ur c o nlic ts a n d ill

o ut a r e co rd f o r e ach o ne. A fte r y o u a ccu m ula te 1 0 o r m ore , y o u s h ould r e v ie w t h em t o s e e h ow th ey

co m pare w it h e ach o th er.

In te rp erso nal Co nlic t R eco rd

D ate : T im e: ( A M /P M ) L en gth o f a rg u m en t ( tim e):

T o pic / Is su e o f c o nlic t:

H ow o fte n h as t h is is su e c o m e u p in t h e p ast?

R are ly 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 V ery O fte n

W hat a ctu ally s ta rte d /tr ig gere d t h e c o nlic t?

D escrip tio n o f t h e c o nlic t: v e rb al a rg u m en t, p hysic a l a b use , s ile n t t r e atm en t/

s to new allin g, c h an ged s u bje ct/ m ad e lig h t o f c o nlic t, e tc .:

E m otio ns y o u e x p erie n ce d :

H ow d id it e n d?

In te n sit y o f d is a gre em en t:

L ow 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 H ig h

D egre e o f r e so lu tio n:

R eso lv e d 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 U nre so lv e d 7/3/2020 Print

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Think About It

1. I n w hat w ay s d o y o u ta ke a n on-p ro ce ss v ie w o f c o m munic a tio n, r e la tio nsh ip s, o r c o nlic t?

H ow c a n y o u c h an ge y o ur t h in kin g?

2. D ein e p ro ce ss a n d p ic k a s u cce ssfu lly r e so lv e d c o nlic t a n d d escrib e it in te rm s o f th e iv e

sta ges o r p hase s o f c o nstr u ctiv e , s u cce ssfu l c o nlic t.

3. D escrib e y o ur f a m ily . W it h w hom in y o ur fa m ily d o y o u h ave th e m ost c o nlic t? W hat c a n w e

co nclu de a fte r h earin g a b out f a m ily c o nlic ts f r o m a n um ber o f p eo ple ?

4. S o m e a rg u e t h at h um an s h ave a n in stin ct f o r c o nlic t. D o y o u th in k it is a n in born tr a it ? D oes

it m ake u s m ore o r le ss h um an ? I f it is in nate , is it a v a lu ab le a sse t?

5. I s it p ossib le to v ie w in te rp erso nal co nlic ts p osit iv e ly ? Ca n y o u g iv e e xa m ple s o f p osit iv e

o utc o m es f r o m y o ur o w n e x p erie n ce ?

6. I n p ro ble m atic s it u atio ns, h ow d o y o u r e sp ond to th e im porta n t p eo ple in y o ur lif e ? D o y o u

den y th at a p ro ble m ex is ts , ch an ge th e su bje ct, o r avo id th e p ro ble m atic p erso n? W hat

p ro m pte d y o u t o t a ke a c la ss in c o nlic t m an agem en t?

7. D o y o u b elie ve th at if y o u h ave th e r ig h t p artn er th e tw o o f y o u w ill liv e c o nlic t fr e e? Is it

p ossib le to in d s o m eo ne w ho p re se n ts n o p ro ble m s? D o y o u e x p ect o th ers to r e sp ect y o ur

pro perty a n d p riv a cy ? W hat d o y o u d o w hen t h ey d on’t ?

8. W hat a re th e r e al- w orld im plic a tio ns o f s a y in g “c o nlic ts n eed n ot g et o ut o f h an d”? U nder

w hat c o ndit io ns w ould y o u s e e e sca la tin g c o nlic t a s a cce p ta b le ? W hy?

9. B efo re re ad in g th is ch ap te r, h ow d id yo u fe el ab out co nfr o ntin g o th ers w hen a co nlic t

a ris e s? D id y o u fe el p osit iv e o r n ega tiv e a b out it ? H ow d id th at a ffe ct th e w ay y o u h an dle d

p ast c o nlic ts ? D o y o u th in k y o u w ould b e m ore s u cce ssfu l if y o u fe lt m ore p osit iv e ly a b out

co nlic t?

A ppl y It

1. I m agin e r e p re se n tin g y o ur a ttit u des to w ard c o nlic t v is u ally r a th er th an th ro ugh la n gu age.

W hat w ould y o ur c o nlic t a rt lo ok lik e ? W hat m ate ria ls w ould y o u u se ? W hat k in ds o f c o lo rs

w ould y o u u se ? W hat k in ds o f im ages w ould b est re p re se n t y o ur fe elin gs a b out co nlic t?

W rit e d ow n a d escrip tio n o f w hat y o u w ould d o, o r b ette r y e t, ta ke so m e tim e to a ctu ally

m ake y o ur c o nlic t a rt.

2. A sk y o ur fr ie n ds to d escrib e th eir fe elin gs a b out c o nlic t. W hat k in ds o f w ord s d o th ey u se ?

D o t h ey t e n d t o t h in k o f c o nlic t a s n ega tiv e o r p osit iv e ?

3. T a ke a p ie ce o f p ap er a n d d ra w tw o c o lu m ns o n it . O n o ne s id e, d escrib e a n u npro ductiv e

co nlic t. O n th e o th er, d escrib e a p ro ductiv e c o nlic t. W hat a re th e d if fe re n ce s b etw een th e

tw o c o nlic ts ? H ow c a n y o u a p ply y o ur le arn in g t o t h e n ex t c o nlic t y o u f a ce ?

4. T a ke a s h eet o f p ap er a n d d ra w t h re e c o lu m ns o n it . D escrib e th re e r e ce n t c o nlic t-tr ig gerin g

eve n ts th at h ap pen ed to y o u th at in vo lv e d p eo ple y o u k n ow w ell. F o r e xa m ple , a p erso n a t

w ork is alw ay s borro w in g yo ur m ate ria ls w it h out perm is sio n. Co mpare th e w ay yo u

re sp onded t o e ach o f t h ese t r ig gers. D id y o u r e sp ond th e s a m e w ay in e ach c a se ? If s o , w hy?

If n ot, w hy? 7/3/2020 Print

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Wor k with It

1. U sin g th e p ro ce ss a p pro ach , id en tif y e ach o f th e p hase s o f th e c o nlic t c o m munic a tio n c y cle

in t h e f o llo w in g n arra tiv e ( p re lu de, t r ig gerin g e ve n t, in it ia tio n, d if fe re n tia tio n, a n d r e so lu tio n).

“I w as h av in g d in ner w it h m y p are n ts . W hen th e to pic o f p olit ic s a ro se , I m ad e a n ega tiv e

co m men t a b out t h e c u rre n t U .S . p re sid en t, in r e sp onse to w hic h m y fa th er c a lle d m e a n id io t.

I f e lt m y d ad w asn ’t e ve n lis te n in g t o m y p oin t o f v ie w b ut r a th er lo okin g fo r w ay s to c rit ic iz e

m e. I to ld h im th at h e w asn ’t lis te n in g. T his in tu rn a n gere d h im a n d h e to ld m e th at I’m

s o m eo ne im possib le t o c a rry o n a c o nve rsa tio n w it h . I t o ld h im th at h e w as r e gre ssin g to th e

w ay h e t r e ate d m e w hen I w as a c h ild . H e th en s a id , ‘W hen is y o ur a ttit u de g o in g to c h an ge?

A re y o u g o in g t o e ve r g ro w u p?’ I t o ld h im I w as t r y in g b ut fe lt th at h e w as to o d em an din g in

h is e x p ecta tio ns o f m y m atu rit y . A s u su al, m y m oth er w as e atin g w it h out s a y in g a n yth in g.”

2. U sin g th e p ro ce ss a p pro ach , id en tif y e ach o f th e p hase s o f th e c o nlic t c o m munic a tio n c y cle

in t h e f o llo w in g n arra tiv e ( p re lu de, t r ig gerin g e ve n t, in it ia tio n, d if fe re n tia tio n, a n d r e so lu tio n).

“T here a re fo ur s e cre ta rie s w here I w ork . T w o o f u s h ave th e sa m e tit le b eca u se w e a re

d esig n ate d a s th e c o m pan y ‘p re sid en t’s s e cre ta rie s’ a n d p art o f o ur jo b is to m an age th e

w ork lo w fo r th e e n tir e te am o f fo ur. M y c o w ork e r a n d I h ave to c o m e to m an y a gre em en ts

a b out p hone s ch ed ule s, w ork s ch ed ule s, m eetin gs d ate s, a n d lu nch s ch ed ule s. W e b oth tr y to

c o m e u p w it h id eas o f o ur o w n to p ut to u se fo r th e te am , an d at tim es w e h ave h ad

arg u m en ts . W e c a n s o m etim es c o m e t o a n a gre em en t a n d u se o ne o r t h e o th er’s id eas.

R ece n tly , h e a n d I m et to ta lk a b out o ur n ew lu nch sch ed ule b eca u se w e w en t fr o m six

s e cre ta rie s d ow n t o f o ur a fte r la yo ffs . W e b oth c a m e u p w it h o ur id eas o n h ow t o w ork lu nch

sch ed ule s a n d p hone c o ve ra ge. H e lik e d h is id ea a n d I lik e d m in e, b ut th is tim e w e re ally

d id n’t w an t to u se th e o th er p erso n’s id eas. A fte r a fe w r o unds o f r e th in kin g w hat to d o, w e

in ally m ad e a n ew s ch ed ule t o geth er. W e n eed ed t o w ork to geth er in o rd er to s e e th at th ere

w ere t im es t h at t h e o th er w as m is sin g a n d u nfa ir n ess in c e rta in a re as o f p hone c o ve ra ge. W e

had to d o th e s ch ed ule iv e tim es to g et it r ig h t. It s o unds a lo t e asie r, b ut it ’s n ot. E ve ry o ne

gets a d ay o ff p hones b ut s till h as to c o ve r p hones d urin g lu nch tim e, e ve n if it ’s h er o r h is

d ay o ff b eca u se w e d on’t h ave e n ough p eo ple . T w o p eo ple g o to lu nch a t 1 2 p m a n d tw o g o

at 1 p m a n d w hen y o u a re n ’t a t lu nch y o u c o ve r p hones. W e h ad to s w ap tim es th ro ugh th e

w eek to m ake s u re a t le ast tw o d ay s a w eek tw o p eo ple a re g o in g to lu nch a t 1 2 a n d th at

eve ry o ne h as a c h an ce to g o to lu nch w it h a d if fe re n t p erso n a t le ast o ne d ay a w eek. W ow ,

w hat a p ro je ct it t u rn ed o ut t o b e, b ut w e in ally g o t a w ork in g s ch ed ule in p la ce , a fte r w e d id

it t o geth er.” 7/3/2020 Print

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Discuss It

1. R ead th e fo llo w in g c o nlic t n arra tiv e a n d in a g ro up o f 5 – 7 c o lle agu es a n sw er th e q uestio ns

fo llo w in g it .

“ T here a re th re e o f u s p re se n tly liv in g to geth er. T he co nlic t is w it h a n e x-r o om mate w ho

liv e d w it h tw o o f u s la st s e m este r. S h e m ove d in w it h a fr ie n d fo r th e fr e e r o om a n d b oard .

So m etim es s h e d ecid es s h e d oesn ’t w an t to d riv e th e 1 2 m ile s h om e, s o s h e s ta y s th e n ig h t

w it h u s. T his w en t o n ju st a b out e ve ry n ig h t la st w eek. W hen h ere , s h e w ore m y c lo th es e ve ry

d ay ( w it h out a sk in g ir st) , s le p t o n o ur c o uch ( w hic h g ave u s n o p la ce to s tu dy), a te o ur fo od,

an d u se d o ur p erso nal it e m s lik e sh am poo a n d m ake u p. I in ally h ad en ough w hen sh e

w alk e d b y m e a fte r c la ss w earin g m y b ra n d n ew w ool c o at w it h th e s le eve s r o lle d u p a n d

sa id , ‘H i! I’m w earin g y o ur c o at!’ I d on’t m in d if p eo ple b orro w m y c lo th es, b ut I p re fe r th at

th ey a sk ir st a n d t h at I g et t h em b ack in t h e c o ndit io n I le n t t h em . A ls o , I ’d lik e it if s h e w ould

p la n w hen s h e is s p en din g th e n ig h t s o s h e c o uld b rin g h er o w n c lo th es, m ake u p, a n d fo od.

A s t h e s a y in g g o es, ‘I lo ve h er b ut I c a n ’t a ffo rd t o k e ep h er!’ A fte r a w eek o f th is , I in ally h ad

it w it h h er a n d r e ally b le w u p! I s cre am ed a n d y e lle d a t h er, a n d s h e b urst in to te ars, p ack e d

u p, a n d le ft . I t f e lt g o od le ttin g o ff a ll t h at p en t-u p a n ger, b ut I s o m eh ow w is h it h ad n’t w ork e d

o ut t h is w ay.”

A s a w ay to a p ply w hat y o u le arn ed fr o m r e ad in g th is c h ap te r, a fte r r e ad in g th e a b ove c a se

stu dy, p artic ip ate in a c la ss d is cu ssio n b y a n sw erin g t h e q uestio ns b elo w :

a. H ow w ould yo u ap ply th e au th or’s dein it io n of in te rp erso nal co nlic t to th is

n arra tiv e ?

b. W hat d o y o u t h in k t h e f r ie n d’s v ie w o f c o nlic t is ( p osit iv e o r n ega tiv e ) a n d w hy?

c. A re c o nlic ts lik e t h ese e x p ecte d a m ong f r ie n ds? H ave y o u h ad s im ila r c o nlic ts ?

d. W as t h ere p ote n tia l f o r v io le n ce h ere ? W hy o r w hy n ot?

e. H ow w ould y o u a p ply th e a u th or’s d ein it io n o f co nlic t m an agem en t an d co nlic t

co m munic a tio n t o t h is n arra tiv e ? W as it m an aged o r m is m an aged , a n d w hy?

f. B ase d o nly o n th e m ate ria l p re se n te d in th is ch ap te r, h ow co uld th e fr ie n ds h ave

co nve rte d t h is in te rp erso nal c o nlic t in to a m ore p ro ductiv e c o nlic t? 7/3/2020 Print

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Notes

1. S ee, fo r exa m ple , Lin da L. Putn am , “D ein it io ns an d Appro ach es to Co nlic t an d

Co mmunic a tio n,” in Jo hn G . O etz e l a n d S te lla T in g-T o om ey (E d s.) , The Sag e Handbook of

C onlict C ommunic ation: Int egr ating Theor y, R esear ch, and Pr actic e (T housa n d O aks, CA :

Sage P ublic a tio ns, 2 006), p p. 1 – 3 2.

2. J o se p h P . F o rg a s a n d M ic h elle Cr om er, “O n B ein g S ad a n d E va siv e : A ffe ctiv e In lu en ce s o n

Verb al Co mmunic a tio n S tr a te gie s in Co nlic t S it u atio ns,” Journal of Experiment al Social

Psy cholog y 4 0 ( 2 004), 5 11– 5 18.

3. H erb ert W . S im ons, “ P ersu asio n in S o cia l Co nlic ts : A Cr it iq ue o f P re va ilin g Co nce p tio ns a n d a

F ra m ew ork f o r F u tu re R ese arc h ,” S peec h Monogr aphs 3 9 ( 1 972), 2 27– 2 47.

4. F ra n C. D ic k so n, P atr ic k C. H ugh es, L in da D . M an nin g, K an di L . W alk e r, T a m ara B ollis -P ecci,

a n d Sco tt Gra ts o n, “Co nlic t in Late r-L if e , Long-T e rm Marria ges,” Southern

C ommunic ation Journal 6 7 ( 2 002), 1 10– 1 21.

5. U rie l G . F o a a n d E d na G . F o a, Societ al S tructur es of the Mind ( S p rin gie ld , IL : T hom as, 1 974);

K ath erin e D . R ettig an d M arg a re t D . B ubolz , “In te rp erso nal R eso urc e Exch an ges as

In dic a to rs o f Q ualit y o f M arria ge,” Journal of Marriag e and the F amil y, 4 5 (1 983), 4 97–

509.

6. G le n H . S ta m p, “ A Q ualit a tiv e ly Co nstr u cte d I n te rp erso nal Co mmunic a tio n M odel: A G ro unded

T heo ry A naly sis ,” Human C ommunic ation Resear ch, 2 5 ( 1 999), 5 43.

7. D udle y D . Ca hn, Intimat es in C onlict ( H ills d ale , N J: E rlb au m , 1 990), p . 1 6.

8. S te p hen C. Y u ngb lu th a n d S te p hen E . Jo hnso n, “ W it h R esp ect to E m otio n in th e D om in io n o f

R atio nalit y : M an agin g Co nlic t Thro ugh Resp ectfu l Dia lo gu e,” A tlantic Journal of

Communic ation, 1 8, 2 010, 2 11– 2 26.

9. B ria n H . S p it z b erg a n d M ic h ael L . H ech t, “A Co mponen t M odel o f R ela tio nal Co mpete n ce ,”

Human C ommunic ation Resear ch 1 0 ( 1 984), 5 77.

10 . Y o ungb lu th a n d J o hnso n, “ W it h R esp ect t o E m otio n in t h e D om in io n o f R atio nalit y ,” p . 2 13.

11 . T im oth y P hillip s, u npublis h ed r e le ctio n p ap er ( M LO S 5 61), A zu sa P aci ic U niv e rsit y , M ay 2 2,

2008.

12 . D udle y D . Ca hn, “ Co nlic t Co mmunic a tio n,” in V .S . R am ach an dra n ( E d .) , Enc yclopedia of Human

Be ha vior , 2 nd E d it io n ( S an D ie go , CA : A ca d em ic , 2 012), p p. 5 71– 5 79.

13 . K en neth W . T hom as, “ Co nlic t a n d Co nlic t M an agem en t,” in M . D . D unnett ( E d .) , The Handbook

of Industrial and Or ganiz ational Psycholog y ( Ch ic a go , I L : R an d M cN ally , 1 976), p . 8 93.

14 . I n G re ek m yth olo gy, P ro cru ste s w as a n in nke ep er w it h o nly o ne b ed . If h is g u est w as to o

sh ort fo r th e b ed , h e s tr e tc h ed th e g u est to it ; if th e g u est w as to o lo ng, h e c u t o ff th e

gu est’s le gs t o it .

1 5 . Co urtn ey W . M ille r, M ic h ael E . R olo ff, an d R ach el S. M aris , “U ndersta n din g In te rp erso nal

Co nlic ts th at A re D if ic u lt to R eso lv e : A R ev ie w o f L it e ra tu re a n d P re se n ta tio n o f a n

In te gra te d M odel,” in Ch ris tia n S . B eck (E d .) , C ommunic ation Y ear book, V o l. 3 1 (H ills id e,

N J: L aw re n ce E rlb au m , 2 007), p p. 1 18– 1 71. 7/3/2020 Print

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16 . S u za n ne M cCo rk le a n d Ja n et L . M ills , “R ow boat in a H urric a n e: M eta p hors o f In te rp erso nal

Co nlic t M an agem en t,” C ommunic ation Reports 5 ( 1 992), 5 7– 6 6.

17 . I b id ., p . 6 3; s e e a ls o Ja cq uelin e S . W ein sto ck a n d L yn ne A . B ond, “Co nce p tio ns o f Co nlic t in

Cl ose F rie n dsh ip s a n d W ay s o f K now in g a m ong Y o ung Co lle ge W om en : A D eve lo pm en ta l

F ra m ew ork ,” Journal of Social and P ersonal R elationships 1 7 ( 2 000), 6 87– 6 96.

18 . S u za n ne M cCo rk le an d B arb ara M ae G ay le , “Co nlic t M an agem en t M eta p hors: A sse ssin g

Eve ry d ay P ro ble m Co mmunic a tio n,” The Social Scienc e Journal 4 0 ( 2 003), 1 37– 1 42.

19 . K en neth Cl oke , Mediating Dang erousl y ( S an F ra n cis co : J o sse y-B ass, 2 001), p p. 3 – 4 .

20 . G io vin ella G onth ie r, R ude A wak enings: Over coming the Ci vilit y C risis in the W or kplac e ( Ch ic a go ,

IL : D earb orn P ublis h in g, 2 002), p . 1 3.

21 . R obert I . S u tto n, The No Asshole R ule ( N ew Y o rk : W arn er B usin ess B ooks, 2 007), p . 2 0.

22 . S te ve n Ca rte r, Ci vilit y ( N ew Y o rk : H arp er P ere n nia l, 1 998), p . 1 1

23 . Ca rte r, Ci vilit y, p . 2 3.

24 . P . M . F o rn i, Choosing Ci vilit y : The Tw ent y-Fi ve R ule s of C onsider ate C onduct (N ew Yo rk : St.

M artin ’s G rif in , 2 002).

2 5 . R od L . T ro este r a n d Ca th y S arg en t M este r, Ci vilit y in Busine ss and Pr ofe ssional C ommunic ation

(N ew Y o rk : P ete r L an g P ublis h in g, 2 007), p p. 7 8– 8 5.