Interpersonal Communication Read the Sample Life-Learning Paper # 2 on Interpersonal Communication by Deborah Glass. Using the style expressed in the essay by Deborah Glass, write a one page summary o

SAMPLE LIFE-LEARNING PAPER 2 Deborah Glass

Group 72

July 25, 1999

Interpersonal Communication

The key to effective communication is the mastery of interpersonal skills. Knowing how to express myself strengthens my

relationships with other people and results in more honest commu nication. Although interpersonal skills may seem to come naturally

to some, I have needed to learn these skills and use them on a daily basis in both the personal and professional aspects of my life. I

have learned that interpersonal communicati on involves listening carefully to what others are saying, asking for feedback when

giving instructions, and taking the time to step back from a difficult conversation to de termine an effective approach.

The first time I realized that I had poor listening skills was approximately three years ago. I was working late one summer

night because the day had been more hectic t han usual. My husband, Greg, called me on the telephone to ask if I would like to g o to

a movie once I was able to break free from work. His suggesti on sounded wonderful. We agreed on which movie to see and the

theater where we would meet ten minutes before the movie was to start. I rushed to finish my work and drove to the theater, arriving

five minutes before our scheduled meeting time. I waited in my car for a few minutes, and then I decided to get out of the car and

walk to the front of the theater. Five minutes later, my hus band was not there. Ten minutes later, my husband was still not the re. I

was beginning to worry that something terrible had happened. I tried calling him from a nearby telephone, but he did not answer . By

this time, he was almost fifteen minutes late, and the movie had st arted. I decided to wait ten more minutes before panicking

completely.

Approximately five minutes later, my husband drove into the parking lot. I was relieved to see him, yet I was annoyed that

we had missed the beginning of the movie. He did not park the ca r but drove up to where I was standing. When I got into his car, I

realized that my husband was not pleased with me. He had been waiting at the movie theater across the street where we had

agreed to meet. I did not even realize that the movie we were pl anning to see was not playing at the theater where I was waiting.

Apparently, I had not been listening to him during our telephone co nversation, and I felt horrible for ruining the evening's pl ans.

Greg tried to reassure me that confusing the movie theater s was not a problem, but I knew that he was disappointed we

had missed seeing the movie. He drove me to my car, and then I fo llowed him in my car to our house. Driving home, I could not

believe what I had done. I had never confused the movie theaters before. The only conclusion I could draw was that I had not paid

enough attention to our conversation when we were discussing the evening's plans. I thought back to the actual telephone

conversation and remembered that I had been typing a report on my co mputer while I was talking to my husband. I realized that I

had not given my full attention to him and had not listened as intently as I should have.

To have effective interpersonal communication, people need to listen to one another carefully. Listening involves more

than just hearing what the other person is saying. Body language, eye contact, and body posture are other aspects of effective

listening. If the person speaking is not getting the undivided attention of the person lis tening, the speaker will know that the listener

is not focused on the conversation. As Bolton (1979) states: "T he quality of your friendships, the cohesiveness of your family

relationships, your effectiveness at work--these hinge, in lar ge measure, on your ability to listen" (p. 30). When people liste n

carefully and exhibit genuine interest, the speaker feels valued.

I recently used my listening skills at work. One of the men I supervise came into my office to tell me that he was going to

need some time off. I set down my pen, moved from behind my de sk, and closed the door. I could tell that Jim was nervous, so I

wanted him to know that the conversation would be private and that I was listening. I pulled up a chair facing his and focused my

attention on him, giving him all the time he needed to say what he had to say. Jim told me that he was going to have surgery and

would probably be out of work for three or four weeks. I c ould tell from his body language that he was uncomfortable, and I did not

want to embarrass him further, so I stayed away from personal questions.

I did, however, want Jim to know that I was concerned, so I asked him whether he had someone to stay with his boys

while he was in the hospital. He seemed relieved that the focus of the conversation was moving away from himself, and he nodded ,

explaining that his sister was going to take care of them until he was well enough to manage them for himself. I reassured him,

telling him that if he preferred no one would need to know why he was away and that he and I would work out the details so his

projects would be covered until he returned to work. When Jim stood up to leave, he smiled and told me that he had been

uncomfortable about talking to me but that I had made the situation easy for him.

I also use these listening skills when answe ring questions in front of a group of people. In the past when someone asked

a question after a presentation, I did not al ways listen attentively to that person because I was busy trying to think of an in telligent

way to respond. On occasion, I even began answering before the per son was done speaking. Last month, I made a presentation to

a group of employees in another department who were going to begi n interacting with my area on a daily basis. I described the

function of my group and gave an overview of how systems operated within the group.

After my presentation, several people asked questions. One woman began to a sk a question about something that I

thought I had covered thoroughly. I guessed where she was going but kept my attention on her and waited until she finished before I

answered. She actually asked a good question, requiring me to make a distinction between two closely related functions in my area.

I was impressed that she had picked up on such a detail and quickl y clarified the differences between the two procedures. I could

see a look of comprehension in her eyes and was gl ad that I had listened carefully before I answered.

Approximately one year ago, a situation occurred at work t hat taught me another important interpersonal communication

skill. My group was understaffed because some of the people were on vacation, and we were in need of additional help. Another

group in our department loaned one of their people to help us. Unfo rtunately, this person had a difficult time completing the task that

we had given her. I could not figure out why she was having such a hard time with the task.

When Linda had first come into the department, I had one of the other women in the group explain the job to her. Later

when I saw that she was having problems, I sat down with her at her desk and quickly reviewed the procedures involved in the jo b

that I had assigned her.

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I showed Linda a couple of resources that I thought would help her and encouraged her to ask someone if she had any

questions. I watched her face to see if she was following my explanation. She smiled and nodded, so I thought that she understo od.

The next morning, I asked Linda to show me what she had accomplis hed the previous day after our review session. We went over

her work together, and I saw that she was still having problems.

I realized that I needed to try a new approach. I made a quick phone call to see if I could postpone my 9:00 a.m.

appointment until that afternoon. With a large block of time available, I went back to Linda’s desk, sat down with her, and beg an to

review the process again. This time, I started at the beginning, but described only the first step of the procedure. Then I asked her to

explain it back to me in her own words. She fidgeted in her seat, kept wringing her hands, and looked uncomfortable. At first, she

said that she felt foolish explaining something to me that I already knew. I told her that I was not trying to catch her making a

mistake and that I was not going to criticize her if she got something wrong. When Linda realized that I really wanted to help, she

began trying to explain things back to me. We went through the ent ire process, and after I reviewed each step, I asked her repeat it

to me. By reviewing the process in this manner, I discovered so me terminology that she understood differently than the way we

used the words in our area. I was able to identify other misunderstandings and focus in on correcting the problems. When she

described a step properly, I gave her a big smile, and gradually, she became more confident.

After everyone had left that evening, I re viewed Linda’s work, and though it was not perfect, it showed a big improvement

over her previous efforts. I realized t hat by asking her for feedback, I was pu tting the responsibility for learning in her han ds. Taking

the time to explain each step thoroughly and to listen to her responses gave me the opportunity to check her understanding and

figure out where she had gotten off track. I also thought about the fact that the very process of repeating each step back to m e was

an important aid in her learning the procedure. I resolved t hen and there to ask for feedback whenever I had to train someone i n the

future.

In interpersonal communication, people who are trying to trai n others need to ask for feedback. Whether in one-on-one

training situations or when relaying inform ation, the speaker needs to ask those who are listening to repeat instructions in their own

words so that misunderstandings will become apparent. When people have to explain a procedure or repeat other information, they

become responsible for that knowledge. Of course, such an in terchange must take place in a safe environment. Trainees need to

know that the instructor is not going to focus on mistakes or belittle them for not understanding. Checking information in this way

insures that both people in the communication process share the same understanding of that information.

I used this principle last March in a situation involving my br other-in-law, Tom. On short notice, I was asked to replace a

sick coworker at a conference that was to begin in a couple of days. I called my husband, Greg, from work, and we discussed all the

arrangements that we would need to make. We both pulled out our calendars and hurriedly thought about all the complications my

being gone would cause. When Greg finally a sked me about the exact times that I would need to be dropped off and picked up at

the airport, we discovered a hitch. Greg could drop me off on the way to take our younger daughter, Emily, to daycare on Tuesda y

morning but would not be able to pick me up on Friday evening. Even though he did not usually work on Friday evenings, he had

made special arrangements to see an important client with whom he had been having trouble scheduling an appointment. Greg

suggested that I call his younger brother, Tom.

I called Tom and asked if he could help me out. He quickly agreed, and I gave him all the information. I told him the date,

time, airline, and flight number, but I was a little uncomfortable because I did not thin k that he was writing anything down. I asked

him if he was sure that he had gotten everything right. He said, “Yeah! Yeah! No problem.” I remembered the lesson that I had

learned at work and asked nicely if he would mind repeating the information back to me. I was pleasantly surprised when he got

everything right, but then I realized that he had simply said, “Ni ne o’clock.” I replied, “Nine o’clock in the evening, right?” “Evening?’

he asked. Once I confirmed that I was talk ing about 9:00 p.m., Tom said that he would still be able to pick me up, but for some

reason, he had thought I meant morning. As I thought about being stuck at the airport without a ride, I was glad that I had ask ed my

brother-in-law to repeat the information back to me.

I used the principle that I had learned about getting feedback when I taught a seminar at work about editing technical

manuals. I carefully organized the material that I needed to co ver into three sections and prepared handouts and overheads to h elp

clarify each of the procedures that I wa s explaining. I thought about the kinds of questions that people might ask and wondered what

I could do to anticipate those conc erns in my presentation. I checked out the conf erence room in advance and made sure that the

overhead projector worked properly and had come with a spare bulb. I introduced myself to the attendees as they entered the roo m

and made small talk until time to start. I knew that I had prepared well, and I felt good about the people who had shown up. My

biggest concern was that those present would underst and the detailed information that I needed to cover.

The first thing I handed out was an overview of the material I would be discussing during the two-hour session. I started

into the first section and was pleased to see that most people were taking notes. When I finished each point, I stopped to ask if

anyone had any questions. After I had stopped three or four time s and no one had asked a question, I knew that I had to try

something different. I remembered the lesson that I had learned about getting feedback, so I stopped and asked if anyone could

repeat what we had covered so far. No one responded, so I made t he request easier. “Just one fact,” I urged and waited. Finally,

someone spoke up and mentioned one of the points I had made. Other s joined in, and soon they had mentioned most of the ideas

that I had covered so far. Throughout the rest of the morning, I stopped every so often and asked them to repeat information I had

discussed in the last section. When the session was over, I felt confident that most of the audience understood the material that I

had covered, and several people made favorable comments on the way out.

I have also learned some interpersonal communication skills in my conversations with my ex-husband, Kenny. Over the

years, many telephone conversations about our sixteen-year-old da ughter, Lisa, have turned into arguments. Our daughter does not

care to spend time with him, and any time she does spend with him is out of a sense of obligation. Sometimes when he has called,

Lisa would plead with me to explain why s he could not spend time with him. On many of these occasions, I obliged her because I

knew how upsetting these visits were for her. When I tried to make him understand her reasons for not wanting to go, he became

agitated and sometimes enraged.

He had a way of projecting guilt on me and making me feel t hat the entire situation was my fault. I would get caught up in

these arguments and let him upset me. After one of these telephone arguments, I sat in my kitchen and cried uncontrollably. When I

regained my composure, I was frustrated with myself for allowing him to affect me in this way. I decided to mentally step back from

the situation and assess what I was doing that was causing me to become emotionally involved in these arguments. I replayed

some of the more recent arguments in my mind, and in all of these instances, I realized that he immediately put me on the

defensive. I decided to handle the next conversation differently.

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The next time he telephoned me, I was at work. He wanted to see our daughter the following Saturday, but she had plans

for that day. When I told him about her plans, he was upset and tried to start another argument. This time, I did not let him fluster

me. Every time he made an accusation, I calmly replied, "I'm not going to have this conversation with you." This response did not

stop his attack. He continued to try to get an emotional response form me, and each time I replied, "I'm not going to have this

conversation with you." After a few more attempts, he gave up trying. We ended up having one of our first civil conversations in

years.

After I hung up the telephone, I was pleased with the way I had hand led the situation. Toward the end of the conversation,

we were speaking calmly. We even agreed to meet at a restau rant the following evening to discuss ways he could make our

daughter more comfortable in his presence. Thinking back to the telephone call, I could not believe that his demeanor had changed

so easily and that I had not expended any energy to get him to change. By refusing to rise to his level of agitation, we were able to

communicate more effectively. I was pleased that I had taken the time to stop and assess the situation so that I could find a better

way to respond to him and keep the conversation from turning into an argument.

People need to realize the importance of mentally stepping ba ck from a difficult conversation to think through what is

happening. When conversations are tense, ta king a few minutes to step back and assess th e situation provides the opportunity to

develop some perspective. Stopping and thinking keeps people from overreacting in tense situations. In some situations, people try

to get an emotional reaction from those with whom they ar e speaking, which can lead to unpleasant conversations. Stepping back

and assessing the situation allows a person to develop a clear picture of what is happening and a levelheaded response. As Ury

(1993) states, "When you find yourself facing a difficult negotiati on, step back, collect your wits, and see the situation objectively" (p.

37). An objective, less emotional response will make for a more pleasant conversation.

A few months ago, I was able to use this principle at work. One of the women I supervise was having a difficult day. Gwen

was scheduled to go to Dallas on a business trip in three weeks. Approximately two months before, she had registered for the

conference using her American Express card. Then she submitted the necessary paperwork for reimbursement for the registration

fee. Unfortunately, American Express billed her before she rece ived our company's reimbursement check. The delay was upsetting

to Gwen because she did not have enough money to pay the bill. To further complicate matters, the regular biweekly paycheck she

had received the previous day had shorted her one-day's pay.

I did not realize that Gwen was having a bad day until I saw her overreact to an equipment failure that day. I asked her

why she was upset, but she would not tell me. Later, I witness ed her being short-tempered with another person in our group. Aga in I

asked her what was wrong, and this time she explained the situat ion. As she was explaining, her voice became louder and louder

until she was almost shouting. When Gwen fini shed her explanation, she walked away without giving me a chance to respond. I too k

a minute to assess the situation because I knew she needed my he lp. I knew the company's reimbursement check must be due to

arrive soon, but I knew she would not be comfortable waiting to pay the bill. I also knew that the situation must be embarrassing for

her. The first thing I did was to call the payroll department to straighten out her paycheck problem. Then I went to Gwen, told her

what I had done, and offered to loan her the money to pay her Am erican Express bill. She calmed down immediately and took me

up on my offer to pay the bill. Later that day, she came into my office and apologized for her behavior. I was glad that I was able to

stop, think through the confrontation that had occurred, and res pond in a way that improved the situation instead of making it worse.

I used this principle recently to solve a problem in my department at work. A reorganization had occurred and the

employees from some areas were reassigned to new groups. One of the people who joined my group was hearing impaired. I

observed that many of the people who worked in the group or intera cted with us could not communicate with him without writing

their questions or conversations on a piece of paper. I watched as people became fr ustrated with this method of communication. I

knew that all of us should be able to communicate with him more effectively. I thought about the problem over the weekend, and

then I came up with an idea.

First thing Monday morning, I polled approximately thirty people, including the employees in my group and many others

who interact with us, and asked them if they would be intere sted in learning sign language. Most of the people were in favor of the

idea. Then, I went to the man who was hearing impaired and ask ed Fred if he would like to teach sign language to me and some of

the other employees. He thought the idea was a great solution to the problem. We decided that tw o days each week he would hold

sign language classes in a conference room during lunch. When I got up to make the arrangements for the room and send a memo

to everyone, he caught my hand and made a gesture with his ri ght hand. When I gave him a quizzical look, he smiled, wrote down,

“Thank you,” and made the gesture again. When I copied the si gn, he nodded and smiled back at me. I had learned my first sign!

Fred made the classes interesting and fun; we all shared many laughs in that conference room. The sign language class turned out

to be a success. I was glad that I had taken the time to step back from the difficult situation, and in doing so, solved a prob lem in the

department and gained a new friend.

Interpersonal communication skills are needed by most people on a daily basis. Learning these important skills to improve

communication will help develop more positiv e relationships. I learned that listening to what other people say is a key element in

effective communication. When I am trying to teach or convey information to other people, I now know that asking them to repeat

what I have said back to me will encourage them to take respons ibility for that information and will help me determine what they

have not understood. Finally, since difficult conversations frequently occur both at home and in the workplace, I have learned that

stepping back from these discussions to assess how to respond ca lmly is invaluable and will help insure that communication is not

interrupted by emotional conflict. The interpersonal skills t hat I have learned have helped me to become a far more effective

communicator than I used to be.

Works Cited

Bolton, R. (1979). People skills . New York: Simon.

Ury, W. (1993). Getting past no. New York: Bantam.

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