ntroduction Paragraph 5/5 Thesis statement 2/4 Topic Sentences (3) 9/10 Evidence/quote selection 10/15 Tone, diction, syntax, vocabulary, transitions 8/10 Grammar/Sentence Structure 9/10 Analysis supp
AACC
Prof. Weber
Essay Revision Process
Students, please consider revising one of your previously submitted and graded essays. Student may earn up to 20% extra credit added to the original essay grade by revising portions of the essay. Please follow these steps:
1. Review my feedback and determine which aspects of your writing you would like to revise.
2. Consider the following revisions: topic sentence(s), thesis statement, quote integration, citation, in-text citations, conclusion paragraph, introduction paragraph, or developing analysis.
3. For each revision, copy and paste the original text followed by the revised text (see the model on the next page.)
4. Submit THIS document in the same submission area where you submitted the original essay. You do not need to make any changes directly in the original essay.
5. Your instructor will review the revision and determine the amount of extra credit. Here are some examples:
The student revises two topic sentences and an in-text citation (5 points extra credit).
The student revises an entire introduction paragraph, one topic sentence, and quote integration in two places (15 points extra credit.)
The student revises an entire conclusion paragraph, rewrites two topic sentences, makes the thesis stronger, and develops analysis in a body paragraph (20 points extra credit.)
6. On the following page, see a model revision assignment which the student submitted for review.
Mark Twain
Prof. Weber
ENG 101/102
October 1, 2023
Essay Revision: Rhetorical Essay
Original: Introduction Paragraph
Instructor’s Comment: The introduction needs more development and a stronger thesis.
There are a lot of interesting points made by John Smith and we should think about them more carefully. It is important to learn lessons from Smith’s observations of the animals so we can work toward making a better society. That way, we will not keep making the same mistakes. Reading Smitth’s essay is interesting and will help us to become better next time.
Revision: Introduction Paragraph & Thesis Statement
Humans think they are superior to all the other creatures on the planet. It is not surprising that we think this way considering that we have created human civilizations with scientific and technological developments, complex political systems, art, music, architecture, and culture. These are wonderful achievements that we can take credit for, but there is a darker side to human nature that we sometimes neglect. John Smith’s article, “Have Humans Truly Evolved?,” describes many ways in which humans still struggle with issues like racism, political infighting, and violence. In the article, Smith poses many thought provoking questions that spark the reader to thoroughly think about whether humans have really advanced as much as we like to believe. Analyzing Smith’s argumentative points provides readers with insight into important lessons modern readers can learn and how might work to build a more humane society in the future so that we can rightly proclaim that we are an advanced society.
Original: Quote Integration
Instructor’s Comment: All quotes must be integrated with a quote phrase.
“The fact stood proven that the difference between an earl and an anaconda is that the earl is cruel and the anaconda isn’t; and that the earl wantonly destroys what he has no use for, but the anaconda doesn’t” (Twain par. 7).
Revision: Quote Integration
Twain describes his observations about a large snake in which he notes, “The fact stood proven that the difference between an earl and an anaconda is that the earl is cruel and the anaconda isn’t; and that the earl wantonly destroys what he has no use for, but the anaconda doesn’t” (Twain par. 7).
Original: Sentence Fragment
Instructor’s Comment:
While Smith argues that while all the technological advancements we have made are important, we neglect to consider the negative consequences of technology. Which is a good point.
Revision: Sentence Fragment
Smith argues that all the advancements we have made are unfairly highlighted to the point that we neglect to focus on how we can improve as a society, which is a good point.
