essay edit

Smarthinking Tutor Response Form

Your tutor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your tutor has also embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] within your essay. Thank you for choosing Smarthinking to help you improve your writing!

Hello and welcome back, I’m Jenny Y., and I’m your writing tutor for this draft of your essay about science. I look forward to working with youto improve your writing today. Let's get started!

*Writing Strength: 

You use transitions in your writing. One example is from the fourth body paragraph: It has also led to the invention of solutions and the development of new products.

“Also” is a transition that shows addition. Using transitions in your writing helps you show where you shift to new ideas in the draft. Nicely done!

Main Idea/Thesis: 

I noticed that instead of supporting points, you list the opposing points in your thesis statement. This issue prevents you from outlining the body paragraphs’ contents. Here’s your current thesis statement: Science can be trusted without government regulation though some people believe that some science experiments are unethical and that the scientific community is not able to effectively regulate themselves.

Notice that after your argument, you list two possible opposing points (ex. some science experiments are unethical). One way to have a more effective thesis statement is to replace the opposing points with your supporting points. For example:

Instead of writing this: Abortion should be illegal [ß Claim] though some people think it is a woman’s right and is humane [ß Opposing points].

I can write this: Abortion should be illegal [ßClaim] because it violates the baby's right to life, it puts the mother's life at risk, and it is a form of murder [ß Supporting points].

Since I list the supporting points in the thesis statement, readers know right away what to expect from the discussion. So, why can science be trusted without government regulation? Replace the two opposing points with your answer to this question in the thesis statement so that readers are better prepared for the discussion. Developing a Thesis (Chapter 2: Section 4, Lesson 2) is also discussed in the Smarthinking Writer’s Handbook, which you can use as an additional resource.

Organization: Several body paragraphs don’t have topic sentences that mention the body paragraphs’ main ideas. For example, the third body paragraph begins with this sentence: There has been significant advances made by the scientific community.

This sentence mentions significant advances, but you don’t mention which one. An effective topic sentence includes the specific idea that you develop in the body paragraph. Starting each body paragraph with an effective topic sentence is one way you could have a smooth flow of ideas in the draft. For example:

Finally, abortion is a form of murder. à The topic sentence has the main idea about abortion that I discuss in the body paragraph. My readers not only know what the body paragraph is about, but also see how the body paragraph relates to my thesis statement.

Using my example as a guide, it’s up to you to review and revise the topic sentences of your body paragraphs.

9502606 has requested that you respond to the Grammar & Mechanics:  Finally, some subjects disagree with their verbs in the draft. For instance, you have this sentence in the third body paragraph: There has been significant advances made by the scientific community.

The basic rule for subject-verb agreement is that subjects and their verbs should agree in number (ex. a plural verb for a plural subject). However, your plural subject (“significant advances”) has a singular verb (“has”), so the two disagree in number. You also end up with an unclear sentence, Alexander. You have two options to fix subject-verb disagreements:

Make the subject and verb plural. Example: Several women support the removal of local abortion clinics.

Make the subject and verb singular. Example: A woman supports the removal of local abortion clinics.

Which technique would you use to fix the subject-verb disagreement in your sentence? Once done, it’s up to you to watch out for and revise this grammar issue in your writing.

9502606 has requested that you respond to the Word Choice:   I have deferred this area of interest for now, so that you can focus on improving your thesis statement. In the meantime, you could review the basics of word choice in this lesson from the handbook: Word Choice (Chapter 6: Lesson 4).Summary of Next Steps: 

• List the supporting points in the thesis statement;
• Write effective topic sentences at the start of the body paragraphs; and  
• Fix subject-verb disagreements. 

Thank you for submitting your essay about science and government regulations for a review. I enjoyed helping you with this step in the revision process. Have a good day,  – Jenny Y.

You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in the Smarthinking Writer's Handbook.

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Please look for comments [in bold and in brackets] in your essay below. Thank you for submitting your work to Smarthinking! We hope to see you again soon.

Science can be trusted without government regulation though some people believe that some science experiments are unethical and that the scientific community is not able to effectively regulate themselves. [ß What is science like today? How has the government regulated science? You could add more background details in the introduction so that you’ll further establish the context of the discussion.] If science was regulated that would mean the government funding or funds from the private sector would determine the type of research that should be done based on the profitability factor. This would mean putting the needs of the society secondary to the possible monetary gain.

            Lack of regulations would help the scientists make advances in their research that would benefit the society. Some of the techniques used by scientists are becoming a standard practice in the modification of plants and animals for the greater good. [ß What is the plural of “practice”? When you make “practice” plural, you’ll help this noun agree with the plural noun (“techniques”) it’s paired with in the sentence.] Science has medical benefits of bringing a new state of physical wellness in people.

Banning has been the most extreme form of government regulation that could hinder scientific advances. With the recent scientific advances, there is a promise of better future discoveries. Banning of some scientific researches would force the science community to stop their progress and force those seeking knowledge to do their experiments underground. [ß What are some recent scientific advances that could promise better future discoveries? Instead of discussing new ideas in the body paragraphs, you should choose details (ex. examples and descriptions) that support the body paragraphs’ main ideas. This technique will help you support your claim.] There are several dangers of conducting experiments underground since many desperate people would obtain unregulated drugs on the black market. The society has always held higher standards for the scientific community. The scientists have always lived up to those standards in exchange for the promise of the general human benefits.

There has been significant advances made by the scientific community. Scientists have always held a medical potential that scientific research could be the greatest contribution to the society. Without government regulations, the benefits to the society would escalate to higher levels of discovering cures which are currently known to man. The scientific community has brought many positive changes to the society such as the modern technology which has done lots of wonders for the society.

Scientific research is significant in bringing together observations, knowledge and the data to solve problems. It has also led to the invention of solutions and the development of new products. Government regulations would hinder these rapid developments in the field of science. Scientific research has enabled both individuals and industries to test information practically applying the abstract theories. These achievements cannot be possible with government interference.

            Science helps in establishing safety parameters and prepares the society for any health hazards and threats. The government’s role in controlling science is not that significant since health organizations and research centers have professionals who include clinicians and social scientists who often test the safety and accuracy of any scientific knowledge gathered.

Science has a profound impact on human activities sine it solves some of the serious issues faced by humanity. [ß “Sine” is a geometrical concept, which doesn’t fit the context of your sentence. To share your ideas clearly, you should use new words that match your ideas. What conjunction could you use that implies reason? A dictionary could help you check the definitions of the words you use.] Humans regard science as an invaluable commodity and hence advancements in research should not be regulated by any government agency at all costs. With no government regulations science can enable mankind to have enjoy a longer life span. This is because with more research being carried out, doctors can be able to treat illnesses that were once considered deadly more effectively. [ß Why do you think that science can be trusted without government interference? You still need a conclusion that summarizes the key ideas of the draft so that you’ll tie the loose ends of the essay.]