Hello ; I have a question about help with homework. I have read a story in >English, but I am not sure if it's written correctly. Are my comma and grammar correct? Is it possible that someone in he

Hello ;

I have a question about help with homework. I have read a story in >English, but I am not sure if it's written correctly. Are my comma and grammar correct? Is it possible that someone in here can help me correct the story I have written in English? 

I have to say, that I am from Denmark - and I have had English as a subject at my school for almost 4 years, so I am not that good.