please help me correct my grammar error  in the essay, and see what else can improve. This is the feedback from my teacher; try to correct the essay base on this feedback.Hello, you've taken a clear

please help me correct my grammar error  in the essay, and see what else can improve. 

This is the feedback from my teacher; try to correct the essay base on this feedback.

Hello, you've taken a clear position here and done a great job of using evidence to support your claims. Overall, the essay is well organized into clearly defined paragraphs, though there a few places where this could be a little tighter. The major issue is the language: there are enough errors that the reader has trouble following your ideas. Each sentence needs to be clear and correct to help the reader focus on the arguments you are making. I think more time editing and revising will help you improve your next essays. Make sure you view the comments I have left on your essay and read the feedback I will post for the whole class; use this feedback to improve your subsequent work.